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regrets of christmas past.}
Wednesday, December 21, 2016 | 8:31 PM | 0Comment



Internet. It's been a minute. How have you been?

As for me, I've been recovering from the Hell on Earth that was November 2016. (Thank god I stuck to my NaNoWriMo goals for the month to distract me from the Worst Election in History. Despite my emotional distress, I wrote 50k words of a draft of a weird, lovely story that I'm pretty proud of, despite its' first draft messiness.)

I've also been working tirelessly on my Christmas cards, which all got sent out earlier this week. It has served as a great distraction, and as usual, I was grateful for it.

But something happened earlier this month that I was not expecting. First, let me revisit what I had written about last Christmas: the Christmas Crazies.



As usual, I've been watching plenty of Hallmark Christmas movies (or all of them! Whatever! Don't judge!....I may have a problem.) and pretty much every other kind of Christmas movie and special that you could think of. And also as usual, I'd begun getting the yearnings.

Last year, I yearned for any possible connection at all to someone, which disastrously lead to talking to 4 guys on Tinder all at once, including that one super creep, who was super creepy even for Tinder's standards.

This year, however, like being visited by several Ghosts of Christmas' Past, I couldn't help but start to think of all the guys I had 'almosts' with...from this past year, and even before that.



I thought of Amad, who I had actually first matched with on Tinder just before last Christmas, and who had proceeded to like my Instagram pictures for a full month before finally asking me out in January. Thought of how I was so excited by the thought of going out with him at first, then was quickly disenchanted when he'd blown me off after I had turned down his (last minute) date invites for legitimate reasons.

I thought of Luke, who had given me my first, adorable kiss this year after we had watched an alien movie in the midst of the strange, beautiful late April snowstorm. Thought of how, though we lost interest in each other, how nice he was to me. I hope he's doing well now.

Thought of Jacob. Immediately stopped thinking of Jacob as I dry heaved.

Then most importantly, most relevantly, thought of a ghost from even further back, from two Christmases ago--I thought of Brennan. Thought of our Christmas Eve Eve coffee date, and how I'd intended on bringing him some of the Christmas cookies my mom and I had made, but I had forgotten them in my mad rush to get there and not be late. (Even though I still was.)



Which brings me to what happened on December 6th.

That morning, Brennan sent me a snap.

I waited a full 3 hours until opening it, because I was freaking out.

This was the first time he'd initiated conversation since last summer, I was positive. He'd still been lurking in my snap story on a regular basis, and at this point, I was used to that. He even still occasionally liked some of my Instagram pictures, and eventually I had gotten used to that, too. But he hadn't tried to talk to me in ages.

But the weird thing was, this didn't feel like when J*cob had slid into my DMs in October. I wasn't immediately filled with rage. I actually kind of felt...nervous.

Maybe I was nervous because I had already been thinking about him in the first place, and then ta-dah! Surprise! Sudden contact!

Finally, when I stopped psyching myself out, I just decided to open the damn thing. And lo and behold, what was it? A video of him, captioned, 'this is more my style' or something like that, to be honest I was sort of dazed as I watched it--with the cat face filter. Because of course cat-loving Brennan would send me that.



I wasn't thinking, only thinking that I actually wanted to respond this time. I didn't look cute, but at the same time I didn't want to look cute because I didn't actually know if he still had a girlfriend--I hadn't snooped his Facebook in forever. I didn't want it to seem flirty if he was still dating her. So just to be safe, I picked the ugliest face filter I could find--an Albert Einstein one. And then I captioned it 'this is my style, personally' and send it.

I think the motivation was just to send something disarming or funny, so I didn't seem like a total bitch, but who knows how he could have taken it. He didn't respond anyway, just opened it. And that was that.

Except he's still been watching my whole snap stories like before. And I really wonder why he sent me that snap in the first place.

Especially considering the fact that when I finally got the guts to snoop his Facebook, I saw that him and his girlfriend are still together.



Maybe it was an accident? But if he had accidentally sent it, he would've just been able to delete the snap he sent before I saw it, right? I'm pretty sure that's possible, though I've never done it personally. (So I may be totally wrong about that.)

Or perhaps he still wants to be friends with me? And if so, why? Why would he want to be friends with the girl that was a total bitch to him for no reason? (As far as he knows anyway.)

So Internet...it's like this. I've tried to let go of this, to brush this off. But the Christmas Crazies have taken over.

After a bit of introspection, I realized that it's been 2 years now since I first met Brennan in person. And I realized that on average, with friends especially, it takes roughly 2 years for me to warm up to someone new before I feel like I can trust them. Some things began to come together in my brain.

Maybe before I hadn't warmed up to Brennan, and that's one of the reasons why I was so scared to get close to him, as I often am with people. Maybe it's been long enough since I've met him that I've actually come to like him. I don't know.

Sigh. But that sucks, right? Because he has a girlfriend.



I mean, there has to be a reason that bothers me so much. If I didn't like him, at least a little bit, it wouldn't bother me that he has a girlfriend. Especially since they'll be together two years next May. If I was just feeling a little spurned, I would've gotten over it by now, surely.

For a good while, I thought I was over it. But turns out I'm actually not.

But maybe it's just the holiday nostalgia talking. Maybe I'm not actually not over it. Maybe it's just the memories coming back to haunt me, twisting my emotions in some way.

Either way, Internet, I've gotten the strong urge to reach out to him. I have the strong urge to apologize to him for how I treated him.

I have no desire to break up his relationship. Absolutely not. I have never and still never want to be that girl. I have much more pride than that, and that would totally make me feel like a horrible person. (Actually, it would make me a horrible person.)



But I just feel that I owe him an apology for treating him the way I did. It would only be an apology, and nothing more than that. I would leave him alone after that if he wished. I just don't like this remaining, unresolved underlying tension between us. The fact that he even has reached out to me at all after how I treated him is truly something else. It makes me feel sad. He's so nice to me. Why?

But I would want to make sure that it would be for his sake too, not just to ease my guilt about it. I for sure want to get it off my chest, but would it really benefit him too if I apologized after nearly 2 years? Or would it be like spitting in his face? I can't shake the feeling that this doesn't feel fair to him.

I don't know, Internet. I've been trying my best to ignore this urge, but when I think about that snap he sent me out of the blue, the urge grows stronger. And maybe it would be the right thing to do.

I'll think about it a little more, maybe get some advice about it. I just don't want him to hate me. (Not to mention I don't want his girlfriend to hate me. Gulp.)

Meanwhile, another laid-back Christmas is on the way.



The only thing I asked for this Christmas was a new bed, considering I've had my current bed since I was 6 years old. (It was my first big-girl bed, and used to be a canopy. Twin sized. Now it's just cramped, and my 18 year old mattress is unbearable with my multiple joint problems as of late.)

The other thing I wished for this Christmas was one more Christmas with my dog. She's gotten old, almost 14, and last month, we had a seriously devastating health scare with her where we thought it might be the end of things. She's still hanging on like the fighter she is, and we're taking it one day at a time now, cherishing our time with her as much as we can. I'm scared to lose her, but I'm doing my best not to think of that and hug and kiss her every single day.

I also wished for snow, but...well. La Nina had different plans, and it seems that may not happen. Sigh.

But maybe, just maybe, this Christmas I could give someone a much-needed apology so we can both move past it.

I DON'T KNOW. UGH.



I'll keep you guys updated. And Happy Holidays to you all!

xo Hopeless Romantic

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