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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Well. So much for that.}
Friday, October 29, 2010 | 8:36 PM | 0Comment

Good day, Internet.

Virtually no news. No football game, for the third time in 3 weeks. I asked both Jazz and Best Friend Rose (who's in Arizona right now for the weekend) if there will be anymore home games, and they said they didn't think so. So, I've run out of football games.

I don't know what I'll do now.
I'm still trying to think of ways to see Ricky Bobby, and I'm coming up with nothing. Starting to realize that yes, he does go to a new school, with new girls probably all over him, girls that he sees everyday, and he most likely will have forgotten all about me by now. What can I say? I'm just a homeschooled girl. It isn't illogical to say that homeschooled kids are usually forgotten by those who have a school life. Right?

I'm on the verge of giving up. I haven't seen him for weeks, and the longer I'm away from him, the more I can think clearly. He's just a 16 year old guy. And at first glance, he's really nothing special. Yes, he's attractive, but I have no idea how or why he's kept me so hung up the past two years.
Plus, he's a teenage boy. He thinks with his man parts. That's just how it is.

So. I guess I'll just take it easy for the next few weeks, until something happens, which I doubt. What happened happened, and I guess it's over now. No big deal. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile, I'll be over here, in my study, pulling my hair out during midterms. Wish me luck.

xo Hopeless Romantic

PS: Happy Halloween!

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Secret #2.}
Saturday, October 16, 2010 | 10:27 PM | 0Comment

Internet, you know me.

I'm an Internet nerd, through and through. And pretty much always have been. (I learned how to use the computer when I was 6, and started using the Internet regularly when I was 8. Nickelodeon's message boards were my HAVEN.)

Confession: I used to be a total online boyfriend HARLOT.

The story: Around when I was 10, we got one of those 90-day trial American Online disks in the mail, and my dad actually signed us up for it. I got my own IM username and everything, and I was so excited.
Well. One day, I was in a chat room (I have NO idea how on earth my parents let my ten year old self have an IM account with no supervision. But, if I remember correctly, I don't think the whole chat room danger thing had been too terribly sensationalized yet.), and it was mostly old people trying to hook up.

Then, I spotted a 12 year old boy looking for any 12 year old girls. In my 10 year old mind, I think, 'why not? It's not like he'll even know my real age', and I was bored and didn't know any better. So I messaged him, and I lied and told him I was 12. We messaged back and forth in the chat room, trying to chat over all the desperate single 40+ year olds, and then we moved to private IMs.

Let's call this boy Charcoal (kind of an inside joke.). What started as 'only talking to him sometimes, when I was bored', it turned into 'waking up every morning, looking forward to talking to him' and talking to him all day and every day. Before I knew it, we were in a 'relationship' of sorts, or whatever you'd call something between an online 12 year old and a pretend online 12 year old.
It was one of those ironic playground, kid's play type of things, when we'd say 'I love you' and then talk about our favorite cartoons afterward.
I kept in contact with him for two years, until I actually turned 12, and then we lost contact completely.

After that, I kept wanting to duplicate that feeling that I got with Charcoal, the one that gave me this false sense of security that a boy could like me, though knowing it was all pretend and impossible at the same time.
Sometimes I'd go to random chat rooms and email back and forth with guys for a while, and some I met on other kinds of websites and chatted with them for weeks. In middle school, it even escalated to giving some my number and texting along with the emailing, but it never went beyond that.

Yes, it could've been very dangerous, and yes, people on the Internet can be totally different from who they say they are (see paragraph 5 above), but I was careful, and I never meant to actually meet any of them anyway. I never said 'I love you' to any of them (well, except Charcoal, but you know. Haha). To be honest, I couldn't even name all of my pretend online boyfriends. There was one after Charcoal, and whenever he IMed me, a certain part of a Jay-Z song would play, and whenever I hear that song, I can't help but associate it with him. Can't remember his name, though.
One boy was filipino. One boy was schizophrenic. One was a gamer.

And there was one named James* (three years older than me, my REAL AGE, thankfully), who I met in the eighth grade, and we texted and talked on the phone, and I remember him the most because he was the last one, and when I got involved with him, it didn't feel pretend anymore.
He was the only one who I'd actually stopped and thought about how it would be to meet him. I considered it, even. And then one day I panicked about how real it could become, and I 'ended it'. And that was the end of it all.

So, I've never had a real relationship. I've never really dated anybody. But to fill the holes that I felt, seeing other girls my age starting to date and feeling ugly and unwanted, I played this game of sorts. I did it the way then the way other girls my age make out with random guys now.

Was it awful? Yes. Am I ashamed about it? Absolutely.
I earnestly hope that these boys didn't get hurt because of my little 'game'. The thing was, I just never saw them as actual relationships. It was all pretend to me. I just felt so emotionally disconnected (except with James) that it didn't feel real.
I know Internet dating works for some people, but I just don't think I'm one of them. I'm more of an action person than words. Actions can say so much more, and anyone can say anything without meaning any of it.

The thing about this secret: Sometimes I'm seriously tempted to go back to that.
It would be so easy, so easy, to go back to that old familiar crutch and go to some random Internet guy to cure my super singleness, if just for the moment. But if it means nothing, isn't it just a waste of time and emotions?

I'll wait for my first real boyfriend. And in the mean time, I'll work out whatever this is (or perhaps whatever this isn't?) with Ricky Bobby. Oy.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Missed opportunity.}
Friday, October 8, 2010 | 9:43 PM | 0Comment

So, here's a quickie, Internet.

Yesterday, I asked Best Friend Rose, "Hey, there's no football game tomorrow, right?" over text message, to which she replied, "No, I don't think so!"

Then. THEN. Today, around 6:30 PM, I got this text message from Best Friend Rose, "Omg there's a football game tonight! I JUST found out!"

FAIL, BEST FRIEND ROSE. SO FAIL. And of COURSE I can't go, because it takes me 395728 hours to get ready, and the games start at 7 anyway.

So, by then I was a little biffed, especially knowing that Ricky Bobby would be there, because he has been every game lately. But THEN I get a call from Johnny, who's at the game already.

He greets me and then asks, "Are you coming to the game?" And I tell him no, because Rosie Darling never told me that there was one, until it was too late, that is. And so he says, "Oh, yeah, I guess she didn't know about it. She just texted me and asked me about it like an hour ago." And I hear Ricky Bobby in the background, and I don't know why, but that alone is enough to get my pulse up.

And then I say, "Figures." Because she totally does stuff like this all THE TIME. Some of us don't like spontaneity, Rosie! Some of us like planning and scheduling, and actually knowing when something is!

"So you aren't coming, then?" Johnny asks to confirm, and I say no, I can't. He continues, "That's too bad. Ricky Bobby wanted to go have coffee with you."

ANEURYSM TIME. I don't answer, since I'm apparently having a miniature panic attack, and I can't breathe for a few moments.

I hear Ricky Bobby say something irritably in the background, and then Johnny scrambles to say, "And, uh, you know, I did too. We need more dude time."

I disregard the fact that he pretty much just called me a dude and only say, "Aw." Because DUH, my girl intuition alarm is going off, and that was obviously a cover up and Johnny wasn't really planning on coming.

And I hear RB's voice again, and Johnny says, "Ricky Bobby says he really wanted to see you."

I say again, "Aw," like I meant it, but I tried to sound like it didn't mean too much to me, in case he was listening.

I hear Johnny tell RB what I said, and then RB says something, and Johnny says to me, "He says he's sad now."

I say, "Aww. That makes me sad," and sad really isn't the word for it. More like slowly dying inside, maybe. Johnny tells RB, and then Johnny says, "He says you'd better be."

And then a few moments pass when he's distracted, and then when he comes back, he says he's sorry I can't come, and I agree, and then tell him/them to have fun without me. He says he'll try, and the call ends.

And then I scream/wail into a pillow. He wanted to see me. He wanted to have coffee with me. COFFEE. WITH ME. ALONE, PROBABLY. THAT'S PRETTY MUCH CONSIDERED A COFFEE DATE, IN MY BOOK.

And I couldn't GO on said kind of coffee date because BEST FRIEND ROSE DIDN'T FREAKING TEXT ME EARLY ENOUGH.

I know it's not really her fault, since she didn't know, but I'm still pissy because I could've already been on my maybe first date and have an amazing night (or average night) to tell you about. Instead, I took a 2 hour shower and shaved and exfoliated everything, just for the sake of feeling prettier instead of woeful and extremely single.

So, if you'll excuse me Internet, I'm going to go die in a corner now. Or watch k-dramas and stuff my face. Whichever comes first.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Noodles and butter knives.}
Saturday, October 2, 2010 | 9:24 PM | 0Comment

I have another interesting night to share with you, Internet. (WARNING: ANOTHER NOVELLA-LENGTH ENTRY AHEAD.)

I had the feeling tonight that when I started getting ready for my old school's Homecoming football game (don't ask why they would have the football game an entire week after the dance, I have no idea.) that I would see Ricky Bobby again. I don't know how, but maybe I've developed some sort of Ricky Bobby radar.

And sure enough, when I was riding in the car with my dad on the way to the game, I got an all uppercase text message from Best Friend Rose: "HEADS UP RICKY BOBBY'S HERE". To which I replied, "OH GOD". An antsy, nervous feeling roiled in my stomach from that moment up until I got out of the car and started making my way to the football field.

Now, I don't know if I've mentioned on here before that being in online school has done a serious number on my vision, but it has. Catching up all of first semester sophomore year and being in front of the computer 8+ hours a day wrecked my vision. It went from 20/15 to 20/60, and my eye doctor said that I developed partial astigmatism, too. It's funny, I thought that maybe when adults said that being on the computer for more than a few hours was unhealthy, I thought they were spewing bull. Well guess what, kids? THEY'RE RIGHT. DON'T DO IT.
So anyway, since my vision's so awful now, I have to wear glasses. I plan on getting contacts at some point, because I don't wear my glasses when I should, which isn't good, but it's a bad habit of mine. I mostly just wear them at home. So, when I don't wear them out in public, especially at night, you can imagine how badly I can't see then.

So, when I walk to the hill and the stands by the football field, looking for my friends, I heard a far off, "Sarah!" And so I stand there, looking around me, probably looking pretty stupid, and I keep hearing, "Sarah! No, not over there. No, no. Over here! This way! Sarah, over here!" And finally I spot Johnny sitting with Ricky Bobby and their other friend, whom I'll call Burrito because 1) I cannot for the life of me think of more generic fake names and 2) for kicks. They're laughing, and Johnny stands up and comes over to give me a hug, saying, "I was right in front of you the whole time!" And I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see you! I can hardly see anything!"

Best Friend Rose is standing nearby with Gene and her friend from another school, and lets call her Camille. I walk over and give her a hug and I compliment Gene's hair, which he flat ironed tonight ( he has curly hair). I then greet Camille, whom I've met a few times before. She's pretty nice, in general, but the first thing I notice is her Jersey Shore 'tan'. Actually, I could've seen it from 20 feet away. I don't say anything about it.

Then I hear Johnny call my name from behind me, and I turn. He asks, "Are you coming to Noodles & Co.?"

I repeat, "Noodles & Co.?"
And BFR says, "Yeah, we're all going! You should come!" And then she leans in and whispers, "And, I have something to tell you later."
I whisper back, "Okay."

And Ricky Bobby smiles all huge at me and says, "Yeah, you should come with us!"

And it's hard not to blurt immediately, "OKAY." So instead I smile back and turn to Rosie and Gene and Camille and ask, "And you guys are going?"

"Yeah, we're taking two cars." Gene says.

So Johnny and Ricky Bobby and Burrito all look like they're heading toward the sidewalk that leads to the parking lot, and Rosie and Gene and Camille stay where they are, so I don't know if we're leaving now or what, so I ask, "So are we leaving now?"

And Rosie shrugs and shakes her head and says, "I don't know," like she really has no interest in going.

And so I look at Johnny and ask, "Are you leaving?"

And he says, "Yeah!" And turns around and walks in the direction of his dad, who happens to be there watching the game by the railing. Burrito follows him, and RB starts to, but then turns around and looks at me.

"Are you coming?" He asks.
I shrug and say, "I don't know."
He grins at me. "Come onnn. Just come."

And I can't help but grin back, and I gesture to Rosie and the gang behind me. "But I don't know if they're coming now."

And then he looks at Rosie and says, "Are you still coming?"
She shrugs. "I don't know. I don't think so. Go on without us."

And Ricky Bobby makes this pouty lip puppy dog face that I've never seen any other guy look as adorable making as he did. And I couldn't help it, I let out this little high-pitched 'aww' and then I turn to Rosie and say, "How can you say no to that?"

And Rosie shrugs again and says, "Sorry."

So then Ricky Bobby says, "Fine," and looks at me and goes, "Sarah?"

And I don't want to go if Rosie isn't going, because she's my security blanket of sorts, so I say helplessly, "Well..."

And he says, "Come on, Sarah. Pleeeeease?" And it's like his cuteness at that moment overwhelms me and I chicken out.

"Well, I don't want to come if no one else is coming." AND IT COMES OUT SO SNOOTY AND LIKE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE NEAR HIM THAT I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK IMMEDIATELY.

And the look he gives me is so immensely let down and disappointed that I wonder just how much he wanted me to come. He smile fades and he mutters, "Whatever," and walks away, and I swear something in me dies.

And I turn back to Rosie and look at her with an open-mouthed sad face like this: D:, and I say, "Wow. I feel like a jerk. A big, fat jerk."

Rosie shrugs, but she looks sympathetic. Then, at that moment, Jazz walks up and says, "Hey! Aren't you going with them?" Since apparently she knew about Noodles & Co. too.

"I don't know, no one else here is going." And I give Gene and Rosie a wry look.

Jazz looks at them and shrugs at me and says, "You should go."

I pause, considering, and then say regretfully, "I think they already left."

Rosie shakes her head. "No, they're over there standing by Johnny's dad."

I turn and look behind me, and believe it or not, they're still standing there, huddled in a group, and they keep looking over our way. "Oh," I say, but I make no move to go over there.

So me and Jazz chat for a little while longer and then, out of nowhere, RB and Company come back over near us, Johnny chasing a kid on crutches for some reason, and RB and Burrito laughing. And then, also out of nowhere, Johnny walks up to Rosie and grabs her and says, "You're coming, Rose."
And so then I grab Rose's other arm and say, "No, no. No kidnapping here." And then Johnny starts tugging her down the sidewalk, with me after her, trying to tug her back but Johnny's way stronger, so it wasn't happening.
And Rosie keeps trying to yank her arm back, saying, "I'm not going!" But Johnny keeps tugging, and then finally he stops walking and says, "Just come with us, Rose!"
Then after a little more of this, Johnny gives up on Rose and starts tugging on me, and after a little protest from me, disappointed Ricky Bobby's face pops back into my mind, and I sigh and say, "Okay, fine. I'll go." And in my mind I wonder what I just got myself into.

Before we leave, Rosie grabs me and tells me to remember to text her all throughout it, and I say I will. Then, I leave with the guys.
Mind you, this is the first time I've ever in my life been alone with three other guys. Being alone with one is one thing, but three? I've never really been friends with that many guys at the same time, so it's just never happened.

So anyway, initially, we planned take take Johnny's car there, but it was in a shopping center just across the street, and there was an underpass, so we just decided to walk there.

As we walked, the guys made sure I was still walking with them, and they included me, which surprised me a little, since I just assumed they were going with me because I was the only person that would come, especially with Burrito being there. (I went to school with Burrito basically my whole school life, I still remember the day I met him in Preschool, and he got a rock stuck up his nose. We've always pretty much gotten along, he's a nice guy.) But they were all really nice about it, and it help calm my nerves a little. I didn't let them see that I was nervous, but I so was. A few times while we were leaving the school football field, I kept looking back, weighing my options. Thinking that it wasn't too late to go back. Because this was so out of my comfort zone, it wasn't even funny. But eventually, I became comfortable being with them.

One thing that I'll give guys credit for is that they're way easier to become friends with than girls. There's no drama, and if they like you, then they'll be friends with you. They don't wonder if they should 'be seen with' you, or crap like that (unless we're talking about douche bags here, because then I can't stand to even be around them).

While we walked there, I couldn't help but notice how if I was walking behind the group (I'm a slow walker, my legs are too short.), Ricky Bobby would look back to see where I was, drop back from Burrito and Johnny, and then walk next to me. He'd drop his voice and talk to me. And there would be some times that my thoughts would rage, "WE'RE WALKING TOGETHER. ALONE." But I'd push them away and just enjoy his company.

We talked about how I should have been wearing my glasses, and how he doesn't even wear sunglasses, because he says he feels stupid with them on, and how he would wear those fake black-rimmed glasses, but he would feel like a nerd. We talked about how good Keva Juice sounded, and how we wanted some instead of noodles.

In the end, when we made it to the shopping center, they wanted Noodles & Co. again, and they stood outside the restaurant looking at the menu for a good five minutes deciding what they wanted. We went inside, and Johnny ordered while Burrito got a soda. I wasn't going to get anything, because I wasn't hungry, and RB got a soda too. Johnny paid, I lent him a dollar because he didn't have enough, and Burrito and Johnny walked off.

I guess Ricky Bobby decided to order something after all, and since Johnny and Burrito had walked off and sat down somewhere, I waited by the register with him. He ordered, kinda paid, and then I lent him a dollar because he didn't have enough. And then, in an almost awkward moment, I guess the guy at the cash register thought we were a couple, because he asked, "Can I get you guys anything else?" and gave us this suggestive kind of smirk. Only, I guess Ricky Bobby didn't notice, because he didn't correct him, and he looked at me as if to ask if I wanted to order, and I just shook my head.

So, after that, Ricky Bobby said he wanted to sit in a booth, and while I followed him, I decided to sit across from him instead of by him, just because by him would've been obvious, and I already felt kind of clingy. Johnny sat next to me, and Burrito sat next to RB, and Burrito make a joke about it being like a double date, which I laughed at, but for some reason, RB and Johnny didn't seem to think it was funny. We started talking again, and of course, being around guys, the conversation was bound to turn perverted at some point.

Johnny and RB started talking about 2 girls 1 cup, and then this girl they knew that had a 'weird dildo' (God, I hope this doesn't attract the wrong kind of traffic from Google searches.), and me and Burrito just looked at each other and shook our heads.

"Why am I still here?" I said lightly, in an embarrassed tone.

When they started talking about it even more, in detail, Burrito says, "How do you guys even know this much about dildos?"

And I laugh hard and say, "I know, right? Why aren't I recording this? This is Youtube gold!"

And Burrito cracks up, and Ricky Bobby looks at me, all alarmed, and says, "Are you?!"

I'm still laughing as I say, "No, but so I should be."

So then, their food comes, and as RB and Johnny are eating and they try each other's food, RB makes a comment about there being beef in Johnny's, and how he'll eat around it, so I ask, "Are you a vegetarian, Ricky Bobby?" And he says he is, but he still eats fish and seafood and stuff, and I mention how Rosie used to be an aquatarian, too, but she gave up a month or two ago. Burrito makes a sarcastic comment about how vegetarianism isn't like cigarettes, you can't just 'quit'. I laughed.

So then we continue to talk, and during this whole time, Ricky Bobby keeps looking at me from across the table, and I don't know why, so I generally try to avoid his gaze.
The guys talk about saran-wrapping someone's car, and how funny it would be if they saranwrapped a guy they know's car, because he was at homecoming and it would be hilarious for him to come out of homecoming with his date and find his car saranwrapped. And then Ricky Bobby said he wanted to egg his ex Sissy's car, and then he said they almost saran wrapped her car last week and he felt like a creeper because he still remembered where she lived.

Then, a bunch of kids from the football game walked into the restaurant, I'm talking like thirteen people here, and I say, "Well, lookie here. It's like a party train." And the guys look over and see them walk in, and Johnny says, "Ew, Tom's* here." (*name changed, obviously. Tom's this kid that goes to my old school, and I knew from the moment I met him in the first grade, that I didn't like him. That kid has always been the snootiest, meanest guy I've ever met.)

So then, we all talk about how much we all hate Tom, and me and Burrito reminisce about elementary school when Burrito hung out with Tom, and Burrito said Tom was always mean to him. I told them about the time Tom punched me in the stomach in the third grade, and I told on him and he got in so much trouble. RB said he was the biggest douche-bag he's ever met. I made a comment about him probably being born that way, and they laughed.

So since they're finished eating and the party train decided to show, we decide to leave. As soon as we're out of the restaurant, Johnny cackles and says, "Look what I stole!" and he pulls a butter knife from Noodles & Co. from under his shirt. Me and Burrito and Ricky Bobby freak out and bust up laughing, because none of us even saw him take it. Johnny puts up his hood, takes his butter knife and holds it in a pretend-gangster way, and he says, "Watch this." and goes into Keva Juice.

For a few seconds, the rest of us just stand outside, watching him and wondering what the hell he was doing, and then we followed, and we found out that actually, he just was ordering something. Why he told us to watch, I have no clue. So Johnny orders one of those grass shot things that they have, and I have to lend him a dollar again, and I accuse them all of mooching, and I asked them how they sleep at night.

Johnny and me sit on bar stools at the little bar thing they have, and I pretend I'm at a bar and I pretend to order whiskey. The girl behind the counter looks at me weird and I tell her I'm kidding.

So Johnny gets his grass shot, RB tries a sip and says he likes it and it tastes like grass water. Johnny drinks the rest and makes a hilarious face, and I asked him how it feels to be a cow, but nobody got it. (Or it just wasn't funny. Joke failed.)

Then we start to leave, and I wait behind for Ricky Bob as he gets a straw from their straw jar. Johnny and Burrito are walking way ahead, and as me and RB fall into step, he says, "I like to chew on straws," by way of explanation.

This surprises me, and I say, "I love chewing on straws," because it's true. It's one of my oldest habits.

"Really?" He sounds surprised.

"Yeah," I say. "Whenever I have a drink, I chew the straw to death, and no one ever wants to share a drink with me."

He laughs and says, "Me too."

And then we talk about the guitar and how I used to take lessons, and then quit because my teacher sucked. And then he says I should've just gotten a better teacher, and that I shouldn't have just quit, and he recommends his guitar teacher to me.

We talk a little more, and I'm suddenly very aware of how dark it is, and how cold it is, and how if Johnny and Burrito were just a bit further away, we'd almost be completely alone. The air between us is almost expectant, and now that the whole initial shock of, 'he's here again, he's moved back' has worn off, the fact that I used to have this huge crush on him, and possibly even more than that, feels like a tangible thing between us. And for a fleeting moment, I wonder about what he would do if I tried to hold his hand. But I don't.

Johnny and Burrito stop and wait for us to catch up, and Johnny makes a comment about us walking slow. So as we start to walk back, RB says he doesn't think Rosie likes them, and I tell them, no, she likes them, and that she just didn't want to leave her friend, Camille, all by herself. Then I make a comment about how tangerine Camille is, and they crack up.

Then Johnny and RB put up their hoods and pretend to be muggers/night joggers, and then Johnny takes out his butter knife and he and RB run off and pretend to mug the kids near us from school. Me and Burrito just hang back and watch, shaking our heads, and after we cross the street, Burrito says his ride was there and he had to go. We hadn't quite made it back to the muggers/night joggers, so he asks if I'll be okay if he left, and I told him that I would, and I'd just catch up with the dumb asses. So then he shouts goodbye to them, and says goodbye to me, and he left.

So I walk back to Ricky Bobby and Johnny, and we continue walking back, and as they start to talk to another group from school near us, I'm kind of forgotten (it happens every once in a while, I can get quiet in front of big groups like that), so I just tag along.

Then the other group leaves, and I'm left walking behind Johnny and RB for a few seconds, feeling like someone's kid sister who got lost. (Side note: I don't realize how much shorter I am than everybody until I'm right next to them, and the top of my head only goes up to their shoulders. When did everyone get so tall?!) Finally, Johnny stops in his tracks and goes, "Wait. Where's Sarah?" And then he turns around and sees me and says, "Aw, sorry Sarah. We left you!"

And I look at him in fake accusation. "Yeah. You did." And I fold my arms.

And they walk on either side of me and apologize, and Ricky Bobby says something and puts his arm around my shoulders, only I totally don't even remember what he said. I don't even think I heard him, all I could think about was his arm around my shoulders.
(One bad habit of mine is that whenever I'm near a guy I'm attracted to, or talking to them, sometimes I won't even listen to what they're saying, because I just zone out and think about how they're talking to me, and how their voice sounds. I really need to stop that, it'll save me the number of created awkward moments.)

So I just smile at whatever he says, hoping it makes sense, and hoping he doesn't feel me stiffen as soon as he touches me.

Thankfully, Colbie walks up and says hi and hugs me, and then she hugs Johnny and they talk, and then as Johnny goes off to find someone, me and Ricky Bob walk together. Someone else comes up to me and gives me a hug, says they were happy to see me and leaves, and then I'm aware of how alone we really are, and I wonder how we seem to other people.

He asks if I want to go sit on the grass, and I say sure, so we go to the hillside and sit down on the dying grass, and as I sit and he sits after me, he crosses his legs, and his legs is totally on top of mine, but he doesn't move it. He doesn't really even seem to notice, but even if he does, I wonder if he realizes what little things like that do to me.

So we talk a little, and he stares at my shoes and mentions how he likes my socks (I decided to layer long socks under short ones, with legwarmers over that, over my skinny jeans. They were like legsweaters. My legs have never been so warm IN MY LIFE.) and how he doesn't wear socks, and I mention how I usually don't either, but I decided to on impulse.

But between the talking, that expectant feeling between us is still there, and it feels like he wants me to say something, but I don't know what.

Then Johnny comes over and sits next to RB, and two other people come over and say hi to me, and we talk a little too, and one of them asks me where Jazz is. I tell them I haven't seen her since earlier, and so they venture off to find her. Johnny goes to stand next to his dad again, and me and RB follow him.

We stand near Johnny and his dad, and I shyly say hello to Johnny's dad, since I haven't really formally met him before, and it was a little awkward but hey, what can you do? RB and I stand together, and we watch Johnny go after his little sister and drag her down the hill, and Ricky Bobby says, "Aw, look. He's such a good brother."

And I said, "I know. Sibling quality time, right there." And he laughed.

Then, Rosie showed up, and we all chatted. And before I knew it, the game was over. I scrambled to get my phone out, because I forgot to text my dad to tell him when the game was over, so he could come get me. I briefly say out loud that I had to get a ride home from my dad, because I can't drive. Ricky Bobby tells me he can't drive yet either.

So then, we go to sit down on the grass again, briefly, and Gene finds us and sits in Rosie's lap (it's complicated, but more about them in another entry!). After that, Johnny says we should all go down to the football field, and RB doesn't want to, but everyone starts walking that way anyway.

Ricky Bobby says, "Fine. Screw you guys." all grumpily, and I found it so cute.

I wait back to walk with him, and I say, "Aw. Be happy."

And then he smirks and scrunches his nose up and says, "Screw you guys," again, but in a growly voice. I chuckle. And everyone else is ahead of us again, but we take our sweet time. I get the urge to hold his hand again.

Then Ricky Bob stops and says, "I don't really want to stand up there all awkwardly," referring to the large crowd of people crowded in one area. "I don't really know a lot of people of people here anymore."

I nodded in understanding, and I say, "I get what you mean."

And he says, "There wasn't a lot of people I was really close with when I went here, except for Johnny. You know?"

And I say, "Yeah, totally. And since I left, I feel like half the people that say they miss me don't really mean it. Like, they don't actually care." Which is way more simplified than how I really feel, but I've figured out that if your sentence is longer than 30 words, guys get bored and stop listening.

But he nods in sympathy and says, "Yeah."

Then, as if on cue, another girl comes up to me and gives me a huge hug and compliments my outfit, and I compliment hers, and then she leaves. Though, I didn't mind it with her, because she's a sweet girl and she's like that with everybody. In fact, after she leaves, I say, "She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met."

And RB looks after her and says, "I don't even remember her name."

Then I smirk and reply, "Kelsey*." And he nods, but I can tell he couldn't care less.

And Johnny pops up and then leaves again (that boy should not be given sugar or caffeine in any form.), and RB says that he wants a piggy back ride. I say that I'd give him one (actually, most likely not), but I probably couldn't lift him. He said he only weighs 120-something pounds, and I told him he still weighs more than I do. He asked how much I weigh, and since I'm not weird about that, I told him, "112, or 113 or something."

He seemed surprised. "That's really light," he said. "You're tiny."

"I know," I sighed, because I get that a lot, always have and always will, and I'll be stuck shopping in the Juniors department and Petite stores for the rest of my life.

Then Johnny returns and says that he and RB have to leave, so I give Johnny a hug and then Ricky Bobby gives me one of his terribly awkward side hug back-pat things, though I'll hand it to him, it was better than the one he gave me when I first showed up to the game. And then I guess I'd forgotten that I'd already given Johnny a hug, because I hugged him again. Ricky Bobby watches us the whole time.

Then Ricky Bobby says he wants a piggy back ride, and Johnny gives him one and runs around, and since we already said our goodbyes, I wander off and try to find Gene and Rosie. I can't find them, so then I go and wander to find Jazz. At one point, I think I walked past Johnny and RB again, and I think I heard them talking about me, but I just kept walking.

Interesting night, all in all.

There's a lot I don't know what to make of, like why he wanted me to come to Noodles & Co. so badly, why the air between us was so thick with...something, why he wouldn't move his leg when it was on top of mine when he wouldn't even give me a proper hug, and why there'd be times when he'd look at me from across the table at Noodles, and the look he gave felt so intimate, it unsettled me.

There's still so much I'm not sure of.
Do I have a crush on him again? It's hard to say. I still need more time with him to decide. I know I'm definitely still attracted to him, and he's so easy to talk to, but I haven't liked someone in so long, I hardly remember what it should feel like.

And since we're just getting to know each other again, it's too hard to know right now. I mean, all of the stuff that happened at the game...we were never that close before. Ever. We talked sometimes, and we were on friendly terms, but it was never at this level.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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