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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Saturday, August 29, 2015 | 9:10 PM | 2Comment

Hey Internet!

Yes, I am alive. After my big writing challenge month, I needed some time to unwind and let the soreness leave my hands. (Seriously, I wrote 50,000 words in a month. My hands were SCREAMING.)

So! To keep things a little simpler, let me utilize some bullet points to let you know what's been going on lately.

I:

  • Finished the writing challenge successfully, with 50,000 words accomplished
  • Felt super jazzed and excited, then a little dumbfounded for a couple days after I finished--kinda like, "Welp. I finished this big giant thing, What now?"
  • Began editing the first draft I wrote
  • Thought about Jazz's wedding a little more, realized her and her hubs have been having weekend grillouts in their backyard that I knew nothing about and wasn't invited to. Oh.
  • Began saving up money for my first official piece of furniture in my main/living room, which will enable me to finally use that room more than I have for the year and a half I've been in this house. (A futon. Next will be a microwave. Movie/k-drama nights will be upgraded by 1000. Can you say a comfy seat curled up with blanket, some popcorn, hot cocoa, or bowl ramen? And in my own living room! Woo!)
  • Also started thinking more about the Brennan thing, then started...feeling...bad? Yep. And a little sad.
  • Got some bad news about school and had to deal with the emotional aftermath.
So, as you can see, there have been an interesting mix of happenings lately. Where should I start? Well, since this isn't a writing blog, I'll spare you the details of that and skip right to Jazz.

Jazz. And her cookouts. Which I heard nary a word about until seeing them splayed all over Facebook and Instagram.

I mean...okay. It wasn't like I was expecting to be included in her life that much now. After all, she's married, and married people things that are specific to married people.

But I kinda thought...you know, we would still do friend stuff. Talk over coffee once in a while. Get invites to come over to her new house here and there.

So. Seeing that she's been inviting people (no, not just people, MARRIED COUPLES, and no single people) over for big game nights and grill outs and I wasn't even an afterthought? Yeah, that hurts. It feels like I'm suddenly not good enough to be friends with her because I'm not married too, which was exactly what I was afraid of before.

It's disappointing, honestly. Instead of proving me wrong, she ended up proving me right. Even my heartfelt letter to her for her birthday did nothing.

So I guess I'm back to friendless adventures, for now. (Except for occasional video chats with my online friends, of course.) I'm used to it, so I guess it's not a big deal. I just thought she'd be different than what I'd feared. 

But I guess we'll see if anything changes. After all, she's only been married a month, Meanwhile, I'll try not to let it depress me too much.

So, speaking of depressing, I'll make this clean cut and fast: No school for me this fall.

Basically, money problems have caught up with my family once again. And we've been unable to pay last semester's tuition. So the school has me on hold until we can pay, which may not even be until next year. So no school until then.

I'm dealing with it and I've dealt with it. By now, having money-related school problems has happened to me so many times that to be honest, I'm getting used to it. 
I'm still sad about it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm going to find other things that will occupy my time this fall. No more sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I'm just going to live my life a different way until I can go back to school. 

And it's nothing to be ashamed of, especially for someone in my position. I have no right to mope about not going to school because of money when there are a lot of people out there that have much more severe issues from not having enough money. So I'm just going to suck it up and do something else worth my time.

So. Now that that's out of the way. ONTO BRENNAN. 

After I posted here about him having a girlfriend, I tried to let it go for a little bit.

...That didn't work. Lmao. But I TRIED. Really hard. And failed. 

And meanwhile, he's still been keeping regular tabs on my Snapchat story posts and Instagram posts, even still liking them. (Not liking them as much as he did this time last year, mind you--last year he would like every single Instagram picture I posted up. I'm kind of irritated that I didn't write more about him here last year.)

It's strange, because as I said in my last entry, before, he had been avoiding me for months. Legit. After the cat Snapchats stopped (eventually), he stopped looking at my Snap stories, stopped liking all of my Instagram pics, everything. To be fair, he probably thought that I hated him, so that's probably why he did it. After the huge silence, the first 'like' on an Instagram pic that I'd gotten from him was in June, which was the first in at least 3 months. The interaction on Snapchat and Instagram continued from there. 

(Another side note--about a few weeks ago, I replied to another Snap he had sent me after that first one I'd mentioned in the last entry. He didn't reply back, and he hasn't sent me anything since then, so I have the faintest feeling that I shocked him by actually replying to something for the first time since January. Hah.)

But from my snooping of the gf's FB a while ago, I'd noticed that they had started dating about late May or so. Which...means that he didn't start to interact with me again until he started dating this girl. 

Which is weird. Right? I mean, what's that supposed to mean? And I'm not some expert or something, but is that the way guys with girlfriends usually act?

Aside from that weirdness, though, I've been doing some thinking.

Lately, I've kind of realized that I had kind of taken Brennan for granted. 

I wasn't very clear about this before: this time last year, we were talking everyday. Which is a big feat for me in general, especially with a boy. Before Brennan, the last guy I talked to that much was Drew. (Ugh.) 

Back then, I hated to admit it, but I'd looked forward to seeing my phone light up with a text from him. It felt nice when he called me 'cutie'. It felt nice to have a guy that cared about me enough to see how I was doing everyday.

He also genuinely liked talking to me. And after our first (and last) date two days before Christmas last year, he genuinely wanted to hang out with me. Even though on said date, I showed up late and was weird and kept ranting about books and writing and Korean pop music. Even though before, I never opened up to him and kept personal details to myself, even after he would tell me I could tell him anything.

I just...God. He was nothing but sweet to me, Internet. Why was I such a bitch to him?

I'll tell you why, Internet. It's because I self sabotage, still, after all these years.

At least I stopped doing this with my friends, and my self image and health. But in the realm of guys and dating, I still have a long way to go.

Deep inside, when it feels like a guy might be getting too close to me, might be starting to actually like me, I get all...squirmy. I get uncomfortable. I feel cornered. 

My theory about why I subconsciously feel like that is this: because I have never had a functional mutual like with someone before(i.e. Phil is out, he doesn't count), and I've never had a relationship, I don't know what it's supposed to feel like when it actually happens. So when it seems like it might be happening, I panic, because it's new, jungle-like territory for me. I hate not knowing about things. I hate not having control of myself. Feelings involve both of those fears for me. So I avoid them at all costs, and I look for all possible ways out when I feel like they're coming. 


My usual way out is just talking to them less, and letting things fade out naturally. The problem, Internet, was that Brennan made that hard. For a while--and yeah, 2 months straight of cat Snaps is a while--he didn't give up on me. And I guess that scared me. So the ignoring intensified. 

I couldn't imagine why someone would try so hard to keep me involved with them--after all, for a little bit, I was positive he was involved with at least 4 different girls on Instagram and wasn't even into me that way, come to find out later that those girls were in long term relationships with other people or had kids.

In addition to all that, I was scared. I didn't think someone like me (driver's license-less, car-less, subpar social life, homebody, anxiety disordered, bedroom with boyband posters all over the walls) could deserve to date someone. I thought that he would find out all these things about me and walk right out and never want to talk to me again. 
So I kept all of that hidden, terrified that he would reject me. I didn't lie about them, I just never even brought them up. Because, honestly? My negatives made his negatives look like harmless little kittens. And I rejected him before he could reject me.

So. Once again, I had let my own intense insecurity and fear get in the way of someone that could have been good for me. (I read somewhere that people with anxiety often push others away. And if that's true, then that explains so much.)

I knew it was messed up. But I'm kinda messed up. 

And honestly, deep down, I still truly feel like I did him a favor, and that I wouldn't have been good for him anyway. That I would have been a weight on him that kept him from being really happy. 

Also Internet...I've been feeling a little sad now that I never gave him a chance, because you know what? Maybe he could have accepted me for who I was, with all of my issues. 

But I never even gave him a chance to. And it's too late now. (Again.) I can't undo the way I treated him, and I can't undo the fact that he's with someone now.

So that's just it.

It would do me some good to stop thinking about it, since I can't do anything about it.

Of course, thinking that I should stop thinking about it only makes me think of it more. Such is life, I suppose.

I've been trying to move on via reactivating my OkCupid account and talking to someone new, but that hasn't worked out well at all. Because how did I forget how terrible OkCupid is??

Between men sending me messages and asking for hookups, party invitations from strangers, and endless conversations of this model: ""Hey" "Hey, what's up?" "Nm, you?" "Not much either. Just chilling." "Cool. What are u wearing?"", it has not been successful at all. 

And even more, I'm realizing with each of those messages I receive that there are not very many Brennans in this world.

Who knows, Internet. Maybe I'll find another Brennan. One that's just as sweet and genuine as he is. And maybe I won't mess up next time. (I won't hold my breath.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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