"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."
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a tenth. a first. and a goodbye.}
Sunday, December 2, 2018 | 9:19 PM | 1Comment
To my beloved Internet,
It has been long. Much too long. How I've missed you.
I have started and stopped several entries before this one. I never posted them because they didn't feel quite right. And just as well, I've been so swamped with my fiction writing this year (a revision on one of my novels that resulted in axing 50k words from it, work on another novel I started in '16, and finishing a whole novella!) that I felt like I couldn't dedicate enough time to writing a nice update for you all.
Also, at some point, there was so much happening that I didn't feel like I could adequately write about it all. But, as always, there is the ever-famous bulletpoint entry. So let me sum it up for you:
Huh. Sooo...where to begin?
Kidding. I know you guys are DYING to hear me dish on this guy who became my first ever boyfriend. Me. Hopeless Romantic, in the year of 2018, AND A FIRST BOYFRIEND.
Now, before you all celebrate, let me stop you right there: it's not Brennan. And it didn't end well.
But, well, seeing as he was my first boyfriend, and most people have their first boyfriend/girlfriend in like...middle school, sometimes high school? Yeah. Usually that does not work out so well. And in this case, it didn't.
But let me start at the beginning. Let's call him Jon.
Now, after the whole Brennan ordeal of late last year, I ended up confronting him. I told him up front that I had felt taken advantage of, and used, and that it didn't fly with me. I told him I take my own feelings very seriously, and that I need someone who takes me seriously as well. I told him that I'll be his friend, but if he can't handle being JUST straight-forward, platonic friends, then he needed to stay away from me.
He ended up responding with this whole rant about how sorry he was for treating me that way, and how he didn't even know what he wanted or what he was doing with his life, and honestly it was pretty sad. It was through this that I realized how hard this breakup of his had been on him, way more than he had initially made it seem.
Frankly, after all of that, it put me off of Brennan for good, and I left him alone. Aside from him sending me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, we mostly stopped speaking--which, after the way he had treated me, I was glad for. Immediately following, I signed up for Bumble, wanting to move on ASAP.
Nothing came of Bumble for several weeks afterward. For a little bit, I was talking to this guy from there who Super Liked me, who ended up coming on WAY TOO STRONG and made me super uncomfortable 95% of the time.
Nothing came of it for months, and I was feeling so weary of the whole dating scene that I was planning on deleting the app.
But when I sat down to delete my account in June, I decided I might take one last swipe-through, just in case.
So I was swiping. Swiping, and swiping, and swiping. Losing my faith in humanity and swiping. Feeling my soul die and swiping.
Then finally, miracle of miracles, I find a guy's profile that interests me. Just to see, I swipe right. We immediately match.
The guy? Jon.
I send the opening message, telling him he's handsome and making a comment about something he'd written on his profile. He immediately messages back, super friendly, we talk for a bit. He asks me out to a movie for the next weekend, I say yes. Success.
Now, when we meet in person for the first time, it's a little weird. He's kind of quiet, he's obviously very nervous. I was nervous too, but after seeing him, he was much more nervous than I was. I try my best to be friendly to make him feel at ease, and we go in for the movie.
His laughter during the movie is high-pitched and it alarms me, but it's kind of hilarious. The unashamed, loud way that he laughs is disarming, and shows me that he doesn't care what others think. It warms me to him.
After the movie, I ask if he would like to get coffee at my favorite cafe by the movie theater that plays k-pop videos. He says yes.
He pays for my coffee, and we get to know each other a bit. He seems to have trouble looking directly at me, but he still seems nervous, so I give him the benefit of the doubt. (I found out later that he spent our entire first date absolutely terrified. Poor guy.) He lived in Japan for much of his adolescent years, but he says he likes it in America better. He complains about the trains in Japan, and it endears me to him. He lived a whole life growing up that I could never even imagine, and I want to know more.
So I say yes to date two, brunch at a hole-in-the-wall place downtown. He's a bit warmer this time, more comfortable. We talk about all our favorite movies, and our favorite music. I notice the tattoo on his forearm: the solar system. I love space. And now I like him even more.
Date three: Watching Harry Potter movies at his place. I was hesitant about going over to his apartment--I had never been to a man's apartment before. But I said yes, trying to take a step outside of my comfort zone.
He sensed that I was uncomfortable, and as we watched Chamber of Secrets, he only holds my hand. Fingers laced. I'm on cloud nine.
After date 5--a day trip to the mall, where he bought some things for me as a gift--when we watched a Japanese reality show on Netflix, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I cried, and I said yes. And when we left his place a couple of hours later so that he could drive me home, there was a double rainbow across the sky.
It felt like a sign. A wonderful gift just for me, from the universe.
That day made me so happy. It was wonderful, now knowing that these things could happen to me. I thought I was defective. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was the only one who would never experience that kind of happiness.
I now know that it's possible.
Unfortunately, after that, things steadily went downhill.
We still did fun things. We went to movies, talked on the phone, went out to eat, sat in his car for hours just talking and watching funny videos on each other's phones. Those parts were great. Those were the things I had always wanted, and never thought I deserved.
I'll cherish those firsts for a long time. Maybe forever.
But sometimes he would ignore my boundaries--my personal boundaries as well as my relationship boundaries. At first I thought it was a mistake, and made excuses for him. I would restate them again and again, reminding him. He would say 'okay' and nod like he understood, and then he would bulldoze past them all over again. This happened so many times that it felt like I was losing my mind.
It happened so many times that when he told me that he loved me, it didn't feel like he meant it.
He said 'I love you' to me after 1 month of being official, after changing our relationship statuses on Facebook.
He said it right after I told him, repeatedly, that I wasn't ready for sex, and tried to force me to do it anyway.
I didn't say it back, Internet. Because the moment he said this to me, after the way he had treated me before in that confusing, unsettling moment, I knew I didn't love him.
Because I could never love someone who wouldn't treat me with the utmost respect. I thought he respected me--he opened doors for me, held hands with me in public, drove me home, and he told me he respected me. I thought that was enough.
But other times he would shove his tongue down my throat like he was getting paid $200 a minute to do it. Other times, when I told him I was having a bad depression or anxiety day, he would ignore my need for space. And he would whine and guilt trip me when I said I wasn't ready to sleep with him. And when he wasn't whining and guilting me, he was groping me.
At first it just began to annoy me. Then it began to anger and sicken me. We even began fighting about it. One of the last times I called him out on it, I got really angry. I thought we had settled this discussion the time before, and I was tired of feeling unheard. He swore up and down that he wouldn't do it again, and that he was sorry, and that he'd do better. He blamed his stress on it, and that he didn't mean to upset me. Little did he know, that final time we fought over it, I decided it would be the last time.
A lack of respect is not love.
We spent so much time angsting over this in the end that he barely know who I was.
Maybe Jon truly did love me, or who he wanted me to be. Maybe he still does. Or maybe he just said it so I'd sleep with him.
Either way, my mental health was suffering. The moment I realized I wasn't happy anymore, I wanted out. I needed to end it.
The worst part was that he was away on a trip and wouldn't be back for weeks. And I'm not some asshole who breaks up with someone over the phone. So for weeks, I stewed in misery, waiting for him to return from his trip so I could break it off.
I felt terrible about it. I knew that it would be awful for him to be dumped right after returning from a trip. But I also knew it would be worse, nay, cowardly to dump him over phone call or text while he was gone. It would've been downright cruel. So I did what I had to do.
He had told me once that one of his exes had dumped him over text, out of the blue, without even saying why. So I did the opposite of that.
When he returned from his trip, we went out. In person, sitting outside at a cafe, I told him exactly why I was breaking up with him. And I cried more than I thought I would, though admittedly I have gotten over it pretty fast, 3 months later.
Aside from the boundaries issue (which is unacceptable) and the not listening thing (he was the WORST LISTENER.), what it truly came down to was incompatibility.
He needs someone who wants to screw like bunnies all the time, and who doesn't mind someone who's a bit clingy.
I need someone who listens to me, and who respects me, first of all. But most of all, I want someone that I love.
Because when it came down to it, Jon was not right for me in several ways. I liked how attentive he was in the beginning, how sweet and thoughtful he was. But it changed so quickly, and he showed this other side of him, which I couldn't stand so much that he became unattractive to me. He became so unattractive to me that I knew I could never, under any circumstances, fall in love with him.
I need someone that I love.
And I know what love feels like because I have loved someone before.
With Ricky Bobby, I saw all of his flaws. I knew who he was, and what all of his weaknesses were. None of them mattered. Because down to my very soul, I loved him
I loved him. And as I said three years ago, I may always love him.
I swore I would never blog about him again. But on this tenth year of this blog, I can't help but bring it all back to the knucklehead that made me start this whole thing in the first place.
For years, I've wondered. Wondered if I'll even love someone else.
Thanks to Jon, I know I can.
For a little while, I thought I was on my way to loving Jon. Perhaps I was close. Before that whole incompatibility thing reared its ugly head.
And because of him, despite how it ended, I know now that someone can love me. That I'm not just this unloveable sad sack of a human, the one who cried herself to sleep in high school, thinking no one could ever love her.
I know I can be loved. I know now.
How long have you known me, Internet?
Have you been with me for all TEN years? In that case, wow. Thanks for sticking around.
Has it been a shorter time than that? Even then, wow. Thanks for being an anonymous friend in this lonely wide world.
For ten years, this blog was my sanctuary. It's been the place where I air my deepest thoughts, as loudly and as boldly as I want. I spent my formative years pouring my soul into the words on this diary, where strangers could either read them and identify, or read and be entertained.
I owe so much to this little space right here. This little corner of the Internet has meant the world.
But I'm sure that many of you, if there are much of you left, have noticed my increased absence in recent years. I would be surprised if anyone was reading this right now, in fact.
It's not that I've lost the drive to write. It's that I've channeled all of my energy and all of my soul into my fictional works. The more I gave to my characters, the less concerned I was about my love life, and the less self-absorbed I was.
And the more I've poured into my stories, the less energy I had for dissecting my own life and spreading it into words on the Internet, for the whole world to see.
My stories have grown into books. Books, plural. That I want to publish one day. And most of all, this year, I have been seeking a literary agent to represent my work. To find a publishing house so that those words might become real books one day.
This blog has been so much of my heart for so long.
And that's why I'm turning it into what I love most in this world: a book.
Of course, it won't be a memoir. I'll rearrange some things, pick better changed names, make some things more interesting (i.e.: FICTIONAL.). And of course, give it a happy ending, as my favorite kind of fiction deserves.
As for this blog, and for you all, I wish I could give you a happy ending.
I wish I could've come back with a bombastic, final blog entry in the form of AND THEN I FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH JON AND HE PROPOSED TO ME AND WE GOT MARRIED AND BOUGHT A HOUSE AND NOW WE'RE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END.
God, I wish I could've. More than anything.
But the sad fact of real life is that it's not as interesting as books. Things don't normally get happy endings. If they get endings at all, a lot of times they're anticlimactic and full of loose ends. Sometimes the endings are sad and tragic.
I think if I had eventually abandoned this blog, just up and left it without another word, that would've been the tragic ending.
So I thought: if I give this an ending, let it be like most of life: anticlimactic, same as always, and maybe a little boring. (Aside from me finally filling you in on that first boyfriend thing, months later.)
Because God forbid, Internet, that I end this epic love story with you with a tragedy.
To those left out there who have read my words, read my life, and have stuck with me, this is where we say our goodbyes. I've always been terrible at goodbyes.
This ride has been wonderful. And I wouldn't have wanted to spend it anywhere else. I may not have found love in Jon, or in anyone after Ricky Bobby (so far), but I sure found it in myself, and in you.
When I finish this book loosely based upon this hopeless romance life of mine, I'll likely delete this blog from the face of the websphere. I hope that enough of you see this final entry before I do, but don't worry, that may be awhile. (But just in case, if you wish to download an archive of my entries, or copy-and-paste or screenshot them, or what have you, I would do it ASAP.)
If 'The Life of a Hopeless Romantic' (title pending) appears on the YA shelves of a bookstore one day, I hope that some of you might recognize me there and pick me up to live on your bookshelves, so that you won't forget me.
Because I certainly won't forget any of you.
I love you. Adieu. The end.
And, for one last time: Happy Holidays, and happy New Year. Take care of yourselves, Internet. May your lives be full of love. And show love to one another, even if it's hard to find for yourself.
Your Hopeless Romantic
Labels: adulthood, anniversary, blog stuff, books, breakup, brennan, bulletpoint entry, firsts, goodbyes, jon, love, online dating, ricky bobby, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, well thats the end of that
leaves change, seasons change, i change.}
Saturday, September 23, 2017 | 10:28 PM | 1Comment
Internet. Long time no see. The year has gone by and the seasons have changed, and it's fall once again.
2017 has been a ride. And it's still not over with yet--still three whole months to go.
So much has changed. So much has changed in 9 months that when I stop to think about it, I can't believe it's only been 9 months and not years.
I don't know where to start except to start at the beginning. So why don't we start with January?
January. A black hole in my memory.
I lost my dog. After a whole holiday season of her condition improving, and us hoping that she would continue to remain stable as long as possible, she worsened. She, the gluttonous queen of snacks and begging for more snacks, had stopped eating.
She only ate when persuaded, and a switch from dog food to mushy, homemade rotisserie chicken food only staved it off for a few weeks. That was one of the hardest parts for me--seeing everything she used to be disappearing.
We made the difficult decision to put her to sleep. And I lost my best friend in the entire world.
January, for me, is one large hole of emptiness whenever I look back on it--all I can remember is obsessively watching a show on Netflix, eating cereal and instant ramen on the rare occasions that I even had an appetite, and crying in my bed. Vaguely, I remember numbly going on a huge Amazon shopping binge the day after she left me. I spent close to a hundred dollars, and received packages for two weeks straight.
I also remember going to my first real doctor's appointment in 9 years and getting an x-ray on my knee. Then I returned to my bedroom, returned to my bed, and disappeared again. The x-rays came back fine.
February was more of the same. My dad went on a business trip right before Valentine's Day, brought me back a teddy bear on the 14th as a souvenir. I watched more Netflix, obsessively watched figure skating competitions, and ate more cereal and ramen. Lost a ton of weight even though I didn't mean to. Deleted my dog sitting profile for good.
March was lighter, better. My birth month was tinged with light here and there--I watched Moana about a million times, cried every single time. I even watched it on my birthday, after getting some delicious takeout at home and some great wine.
April, though. Things began to happen. I began to come back to life again.
I went to my first concert in 8 years. Cried and sang and screamed my lungs out the entire time. Traveled outside of my city for the first time in 5 years. Got a breakfast platter at a diner 1 in the morning before coming home from the concert and crashing and not waking up until 2 PM the next day.
This concert revitalized me. For the first time in months, my pulse raced. For the first time in months, I felt things I had forgotten. I was alive.
After my concert adventure, I was myself again.
I was still mourning, but I used all my emotions and wrote everything I had into my April Camp NaNoWriMo project, the first serious novel I had ever started when I was 16, which I worked on last July too. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
May, I continued to write. I applied for a volunteer position at the library--something I had thought of the month before. I realized I needed to be somewhere, do something. And this was something I could do, and do well.
June, I followed up my application with emails to the right people. One week later, I had an interview. And at that interview, I was offered the job. ON THE SPOT. And just like that, although after years and years of applying for jobs and never getting a bite, I had a job.
The rest of June, I got used to my new place of work, once a week. Got to know everyone and got to figuring out how everything worked there. Not without anxiety, though, of course. But I did it all willingly, because I was amazed by this chance that I was being given, and I didn't want to chicken out.
July, I continued getting used to things at my job. I also continued to write, on a separate book from what I'd been working on in April and May. I learned that having a 2 or 3 drinks still affects me two days afterwards, and to not do that right before my work days anymore. Heh. Thanks alot, fourth of July. I also watch fireworks in the candlelit backyard with Mom.
August, I finally feel like I'm fitting in at work and that I'm getting the hang of things. But best of all--no, BIGGEST of all: I finish my book, the one I'd started when I was 16. I finally, finally finish it. I cry and cry and cry with relief and happiness. And then I send it out to beta readers and critique partners alike, trying my best to swallow the nerves at other people reading and critiquing my pride and joy. Still working on that.
So, here we are now. September. And what a month it's been.
Mostly, I've been working, and reading, and watching lots of Gilmore Girls, and waiting on responses from all of my readers. None yet. I may have crumbled in panic over this a couple of times so far. But at the moment, I'm holding it together pretty well!
There's a reason I've come on here today to update you all about this devastating, crazy, and exciting and strange and new year.
For a long time, I didn't think I could come on here and talk about things. Because for a while, I thought that what I faced early this year was my life from now on. When you're buried in grief, it's hard to imagine life ever feeling any other way ever again.
But then June happened. And life is so different right now. Completely different. But a good different. The kind of different that gives me hope.
And now, in September, something else huge happened.
Brennan. And his girlfriend. No longer together, as of last month--in August.
You know...it was weird. The moment I found out, I was in this sort of daze. I was almost in denial at first--I thought I was imagining it.
I'll admit it: I snooped his girlfriend's (now ex) Facebook. Oh, come on! Like you've never done that before, Internet?? Social media snooping is like an international sport at this point. Everyone does it! And by now I'm a pro at it.
And after all, that was how I found out he had a girlfriend two years ago in the first place--snooping his Facebook, then full on snooping hers because her whole profile is set to public, unlike Brennan's, which is semi-private. (Will I have the guts to actually friend him on Facebook one of these days? Time will tell.)
Now, another admission: I snooped her page way longer than I probably should have.
But there was a vibe to her recent posts that I couldn't quite put my finger on--a noticeable lack of Brennan. She's the type of person that tags everyone in random stuff on FB throughout the day, and makes regular status updates, posts pictures of where she goes and what she's doing. Not an entirely smart move to make when your social media is completely public. Especially for creeps like me. I digress.
ANYWAY. Yeah, she was always making gushing posts about him and posting pictures of the two of them together. And it went from always tagging him and posting on his wall and vice versa to...nothing. Except for lots and lots of angsty mood status updates with sad emojis and sad-but-supportive reactions from her friends, mid-August.
Then it finally occurred to me to stop being a creep and to just freakin' check her relationship status. I scrolled back up her page, eyes darting, searching for it. Then I found it.
Relationship status: Single.
Whoa. There it was, in black and white.
I ruminate over this for a few days, let it soak in. And that's when I realized that Brennan had noticeably re-appeared in my social media likes and Snapchat story views near the middle of August.
This realization gave me the courage, a few days later, to slide into Brennan's Instagram DMs. AGAIN.
I sent him something to the effect of, "Hey, stranger. How have you been?" Innocuous enough, right? That way, it looked friendly, and platonic. Just in case I was wrong about what my very eyes had seen for themselves. Because I'm paranoid like that.
But, lo and behold, all of my fears and paranoia were for nothing. Because when he replied, he called me 'cutie', just like he always used to. Like no time had passed at all.
Can I just say? I felt so validated. I still feel validated.
All those times that noticed all the times he would like my personal posts, and watch my Snapchat story when I had selfies in it--I'd always just had this feeling, like it meant something that he was still bothering to pay attention after all this time. All the other guys I'd been involved with fell off of my social media after a certain amount of time, stopped caring eventually. He never did.
I knew it meant something. I knew it.
And Internet. Let me tell you. Brennan started flirting with me. Started flirting with me hard.
I'm not going to lie, it felt good, really good, to have very clear proof that Brennan is still attracted to me. Especially now that I've long realized my feelings for him.
We talked for about a week, catching up.
He graduated earlier this year, and now has a great first job straight of out college, amazingly. He told me that he had decided to break up with his ex last month, and that it had been his decision. He also noted knowingly, to my mortification, that it was interesting that I had just randomly decided to text him out of the blue after he had just become single. I swear he knows that I found him on Facebook somehow--I don't know how he knows that, but he's pretty intuitive, so I guess I'm not surprised he knows. I just told him jokingly that maybe it was intuition, and he just laughed it off and changed the subject.
I told him that I had dropped out of college due to finances, but that I intend to finish my degree one day. I also told him about how much I love my new job, and that my anxiety has been much more manageable these days since I started taking some supplements (and they have helped me. They've helped a ton.). I told him I had been doing better the past few months than I have felt in years. He told me he was super happy to hear that I was feeling better, and he said it in the most genuine way. And when I read it, it gave me butterflies.
He continued to flirt throughout all of this, and the butterflies in my stomach rioted. For God's sake, I was swooning. I have not swooned since...well. Since my first kiss. But before that??? YEARS. And this was just from talking to him.
All he had to say was that he adored my lips, and that they looked luscious. And instantly I was a blushing, squealing mess, with my face buried into my pillow. And the same thing happened when he sent me a selfie, showing me his new haircut, which makes him look so effing hot. Oh my God. I think that Brennan is hot. And I want to jump his bones.
Hell. I like Brennan, Internet. I really, really like Brennan.
It terrifies me how much I like Brennan.
I have not liked anyone this way since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, the whole reason I started this blog. I finally get what people mean when they say they feel like they're in high school again--that's exactly how I feel right now. With all of the ups and downs that goes with those feelings. I feel like I'm going crazy.
So onto the ups and downs.
As exciting as all of that was, the entire time I felt this low current of worry. Because I couldn't stop remembering that Brennan and his ex broke up only last month. One month ago.
In the grand scheme of things, 1 month isn't long. It isn't long at all. And I have no idea what a breakup is like.
I mean, of course I know what heartbreak is like. Hell, that's the whole reason I created this blog in the first place--because of my first broken heart.
But breakups? Breakups that are your decision? I don't know what that process is like. I have no clue how that feels, and what the consequences feel like, or how long it takes to move past a breakup that was your decision. It seems different from a mutual breakup, and different from when someone gets dumped.
So this whole time, I can't help but wonder: Am I letting myself be a rebound?
I mean. 1 month guys. That's so recent. Just a few weeks. I barely feel different from one month to another. 9 months is another story. (See above.) But 1 month? That's barely anything at all.
If I started dating Brennan now, that would make me a rebound. And I don't want to be a rebound. Not at all.
My feelings for Brennan deserve more than being a rebound. And if Brennan had feelings for me at all, even remotely, I think that deserves more than a rebound fling, too.
So. Because of these thoughts, infuriatingly, it soured me to this flirting between us. Even though two seconds ago I was so excited about it, these thoughts made me question it.
And I couldn't help but notice that every time I asked Brennan if we could switch from DMs to texting, and asking for his number because I had deleted it some time ago when I'd gotten a new phone, he had kept brushing it off and changing the subject. And so that made me see his flirtation in a different light, too: Maybe Brennan doesn't have feelings for me at all. Maybe he was just flirting with me because he felt like it, because he can now without being tied down in a relationship. Maybe that's all he wanted.
As all of these thoughts gathered in my head, meanwhile, I had sent Brennan a surprise selfie of me in my cute pajamas.
And he left me on Read for 2 days without even the smallest response.
....Internet. Am I misreading things, or is Brennan not actually interested in me at all?
God, I feel crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. And I feel stupid.
Why can't I figure out what he wants? Am I just misreading all of this?
After those two days, he only said that he'd been busy, and that I looked lovely. But my mind immediately skipped over the compliment and dwelled on the 'busy' comment. Because I couldn't help but wonder what had kept him so busy that he had time to open my selfie and look at it but not to type even a single word response.
Tired of feeling crazy, and tired of the ansty stomach ache I'd had for those 2 consecutive days that he'd ignored me, I decided to just take it out of my hands.
I told him that he seemed preoccupied, that it wasn't a big deal, and gave him my number, saying I was tired of DMing inside of Instagram and to text me when he was ready. And that if he didn't there wouldn't be hard feelings. (A lie. But I wanted it to seem that way, anyway.)
I just had a feeling that this may be something other than me. After all, he just went through a breakup last month. And he just got a new job. And I have no idea what's going on in his personal life other than that.
So it might not be me. It's difficult for me not to take things personally--especially because of my anxiety. The anxiety monster in my head reads into every single interaction I have throughout the day and over-analyzes it to death. Good or bad.
But I'm just trying my best to be understanding right now. Even if my first, knee-jerk reaction is to feel hurt and to push him away again.
This is a circumstance that I have never been through before. Being a potential rebound isn't a nice feeling. And I want to express that to him--but not yet. It's too soon. I don't want to assume anything, and I don't want to pressure him. No matter how much I like him. And no matter how much I'm bursting to tell him how much I like him.
Not yet. It's not the time yet. I need to be considerate of him, and to give him time and space.
So that's what I'm going to do. No matter how much it's killing me to do, I'm going to do it.
And now he has my number again. The ball is in his court. And if he never texts me at all, I'll have me answer, and I can move on.
At least I, for the very first time, won't have regrets about never doing anything. I took a chance, a risk, which I never used to do before. I put myself out there instead of running away. And that was exactly what wanted for myself this year--to take chances. To be brave.
If this doesn't work out, Internet, and he doesn't want me the way I want him, at least I know I was brave.
I'm still nervous. I still check my phone way more than is necessary. I still feel a small twinge of disappointment when I receive a new text and it's not him. It's been one week. I'll give him more time.
If after two weeks he doesn't text, I'll consider that my answer and begin to move on.
But at least this time I'll be able to move on for real, instead of running and hiding and hanging on to old memories without having any sure answers. At least now I'll know.
xo Hopeless Romantic
(PS: Happy belated Autumn equinox. Change has come. And I welcome it.)
new year, new very slight improvements.}
Wednesday, December 28, 2016 | 5:15 PM | 0Comment
Internet, how was your Christmas? (Or Kwanzaa? Or Festivus? Or Winter Solstice? Or Hanukkah, which is still happening currently?)
As for me, my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was super low key.
Due to a cold going around, my dad got sick and spent both days in bed. And the day after, my mom caught it, too. I, however, am upping my vitamin intake, drinking green tea religiously, keeping my hands sanitized, and hoping for the best. (I haven't had a cold since 2012 and do not intend changing that.)
So Christmas was mostly spent watching movies and eating, which is what I like to do during my holidays anyway. AND we got a surprise snow overnight! (And I got an IOU for my bed. Still getting it, but it'll probably be early next month instead. Nothing wrong with late gifts!)
But what I want to touch on is the days before Christmas.
So, Internet, I'm sure you could guess this from the tone of my last entry: I decided to message Brennan after all.
Dun dun dun.
Honestly, you guys, my guilt and curiosity was driving me crazy. I decided to go through with this because I finally realized that the regret I felt from not clearing things up between us was greater than any regrets I might have if he ignored me or dismissed my apology. (Because I knew that if he did, I would deserve it, and also there would be no more question of if he really resented me or not.)
So, the day before Christmas Eve Eve, I knew I had to do it, and as soon as possible.
I opened up the memos app on my phone and, after typing up what I hoped was an innocent enough seeming short opener (of the 'Could we talk?' variety, just to give him the option of ignoring me without inundating him with an unsolicited paragraph apology after not talking to him for ages. Not only would that be rude, but also probably pathetic.), then I crafted my apology.
I did my best to make it genuine and made sure that I owned up to my mistakes. I made sure that he knew that I knew what I did was mean spirited and that nothing he did warranted such treatment by me at all. I said that all this time I felt awful about how I had treated him. I also told him that if he wanted me to leave him alone again after this then I would, and that I wouldn't blame him.
Carefully, I also decided to tell him about my anxiety, and that I was dealing with a particularly potent onslaught of it at the time, and it contributed to my treatment of him as well.
After all of this was typed up into a lengthy paragraph, it was the moment of truth.
I opened up Instagram. An old DM thread from literally 2 years ago was there--I had sent him a surprise selfie, and he'd called me cutie and said that I'd brightened his day. Enter sad sigh here.
I resent that I have to do this way, through DM like I has freaking J*cob or something. I still have mighty contempt for that dude, but in this case, I felt some sympathy for him. Sending a DM that might not be received well is super nerve wracking. (But that's where my sympathy for him ends.)
I sent my opener to him, then immediately locked my phone, and left it to charge in another room for an hour and a half.
Unfortunately for me, I'd had a coffee earlier that day, so my anxiousness was off the charts for at least an hour. Skittering heart, shaking hands, churning stomach, nausea, the whole 9 yards.
After that hour and a half was up, I made myself go check my phone. It was now fully charged--but no response from Brennan. I opened up the message, and it said that it had been read.
Swallowing the immediate hurt I felt, I nodded, accepting this like a big girl. I tried to go out on a limb and it had been shot down. This happened to people all the time, and I would have to accept it. I mean, it didn't happen to me all the time, but that's just because I rarely take risks. But whatever, I told myself. Shake it off. At least you tried. And I was never entitled to a response from him anyway. This was what I deserved for acting like such a bitch before.
After I gave myself this internet pep talk, I glanced down at my phone one last time...and there was a new notification in my notification bar. I dragged down the preview.
IT WAS A RESPONSE FROM BRENNAN.
Crap. Crappity crap shit shitty crap!!
Immediate fear. Oh God. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?!
After I stop panicking and staring at the notification, I force myself to just open the damn message already. It opens.
His response isn't cold, like I had expected. It seemed surprised, for sure, but friendly. He told me (since I suppose he assumed I didn't know) that he had a girlfriend, so as long what I had to tell him was platonic, then it was perfectly fine.
I didn't know what to make of this--I don't know if he thought I was going to send this giant declaration of love or what, but I decided to err on the side of doubt and assume he was just trying to be extra careful. (I assumed he also had told his girlfriend I had messaged him, and that was why it took him a bit to respond. Because yes, Internet. He's just that decent. And I'm a fucking idiot.)
I told him I'd already known he does, and that it was nothing like that. Then I copied and pasted my whole apology, sent it, then sent my phone down and immediately left the room to take an impromptu middle-of-the-day shower. Random, yes. But it helped calm me down and clear my head.
After I got out, feeling much calmer now that I'd gotten the apology out of the way, I picked up my phone to read his response.
He was kind, Internet. Much kinder than I ever thought I deserved.
First he said that he had never had anything against me, and that he had just figured that when I disappeared that I wasn't interested in him, considering how we had met. He also said he hadn't been upset at me for it. He also went on to say that he had no idea about struggles with anxiety, and that he wishes I had told him all this sooner if I felt so awful about it all this time.
Immensely relieved, I respond, saying I would have told him all of this sooner, but I had been positive that he probably hated me and didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then I thanked him for accepting my apology.
He said that of course he didn't hate me, saying that was ridiculous. Then he asked if it was okay if he asked me how the anxiety affected me. He added that he really couldn't tell at all when we'd been talking, and wondered in what ways it affected me.
Before I go on, Internet, let me make something clear.
For a long time, I had wondered how he would've reacted to me telling him about my anxiety. So in this instance, I decided that it couldn't hurt to tell him finally. Anxiety contributes to the way I handle things in a very large, constantly present way. There are things that I do in my everyday life that confuse and worry people who don't know about my disorder, which is one thing I hate about it. It affects how I perceive others and how others perceive me so often, and it's frustrating.
Most of the time I'm very uncomfortable with telling people about it. In fact, I have told very, very few people about it. Not only is it a taboo to talk about mental illness for a lot of people, but many people are also unfairly prejudice and judgmental about it when they usually understand little to none about it.
Similarly, most people are flippant about things like anxiety and depression. It's written off as if it's just a 'mindset' that you can change if you just look at the world differently, when that's not the case at all. They don't understand that it's just something that happens to your brain and you can't control it.
So, all that being said: Brennan's supportive and understanding reaction was a big deal to me. A very big deal.
He continued asking respectfully about it, such as what my triggers were, and what kind of treatment I was going to start in January, since I'd mentioned it. No one, besides my closest friends, had ever been so...considerate of this before. And had talked to me about it like it mattered. Ever.
After a couple of days, as the holidays were in full swing and we got busy, the conversation faded out. And to be honest, I was glad it did. Not because I didn't like talking to him again. Not that reason at all.
It's just that after that conversation with him--about something that I had kept very deeply hidden inside me for no one else to see, for a very long time--I realized that I like Brennan.
I realized that I do like Brennan, and that I wasn't just spurned because he had gotten a girlfriend after I had ignored him. I was jealous of his girlfriend. Because I want to be his girlfriend.
I realized that Brennan is the first person I've had feelings for since R*cky B*bby.
And that, therefore, that makes this a very big deal.
So when we talked, and he spoke so kindly and sensitively to me, my heart sunk. It made me sad because I realized who I had thrown away just because I was unsure and afraid.
I know he has a girlfriend. I know that likely won't change anytime soon, because as nice as this girl seems, she would be an idiot to let go of him. But it doesn't change my feelings about him, especially since now I'm aware that they're there and I can't ignore them anymore.
I'm definitely not going to act on this, Internet. I won't do anything that would hurt him. And his girlfriend is a nice girl, and she doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I won't get between them. I'll continue staying far away, keeping my feelings completely to myself.
But if--and that's a big if--things change next year, so help me, I will make it known to Brennan that I want him.
And if--another big if--I get another chance with him, I won't throw him away again.
I know, this is horrible timing. Isn't it? But that seems to be my thing, in all honesty. I am just really, really good at having bad timing. For everything.
I'm also really good at wanting things--people, jobs, school, clothes, makeup--that I can't have. I guess I just really live for the pain of wanting and yearning. I crave that shit. Messed up, I know. But I guess it takes me truly yearning for something for me to realize how wonderful it is.
That is definitely something I need to work on in 2017.
And anyway, I don't regret apologizing to him, not at all. I'm quite relieved that I did it. I'm relieved that he knows now that I don't hate him, and that I know that he doesn't hate me, and that the air is clear. The question, now, is whether or not I can deal with what I discovered in the process of clearing the air between us. I guess we'll see with time.
Moving right along.
Speaking of 2017, here's a list of things I want to accomplish during the new year:
This year was tough, yes. But the only upside is that, considering how unrelentingly horrible this year was, it still might be difficult for next year to be worse. I may be wrong about that (considering the upcoming inauguration, god I hate even typing the word), but for all our sakes, let's hope I'm not.
5 resolutions. Not so bad. They all seem pretty feasible. I'll do my best to hold myself to them.
One thing I did accomplish this year was my dog sitting job, even if it didn't quite work out as I had hoped (thanks to my knee). But if anything, I can be proud of myself for that.
Maybe 2017 will be the year of baby steps instead of huge moves. But baby steps are good. Baby steps are just as brave as large leaps. What matters is moving forward at all.
Whatever resolutions you come up with for 2017, Internet, good luck with them. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a year that's easier on all of us.
As for the Brennan thing, I'll just be over here, silently dying inside every time he likes one of my pics on Instagram, which he's been doing consistently again now since we talked. Sigh. (You did this to yourself, Sarah. Suck it up.)
Happy New Year!
xo Hopeless Romantic
regrets of christmas past.}
Wednesday, December 21, 2016 | 8:31 PM | 0Comment
Internet. It's been a minute. How have you been?
As for me, I've been recovering from the Hell on Earth that was November 2016. (Thank god I stuck to my NaNoWriMo goals for the month to distract me from the Worst Election in History. Despite my emotional distress, I wrote 50k words of a draft of a weird, lovely story that I'm pretty proud of, despite its' first draft messiness.)
I've also been working tirelessly on my Christmas cards, which all got sent out earlier this week. It has served as a great distraction, and as usual, I was grateful for it.
But something happened earlier this month that I was not expecting. First, let me revisit what I had written about last Christmas: the Christmas Crazies.
As usual, I've been watching plenty of Hallmark Christmas movies (or all of them! Whatever! Don't judge!....I may have a problem.) and pretty much every other kind of Christmas movie and special that you could think of. And also as usual, I'd begun getting the yearnings.
Last year, I yearned for any possible connection at all to someone, which disastrously lead to talking to 4 guys on Tinder all at once, including that one super creep, who was super creepy even for Tinder's standards.
This year, however, like being visited by several Ghosts of Christmas' Past, I couldn't help but start to think of all the guys I had 'almosts' with...from this past year, and even before that.
I thought of Amad, who I had actually first matched with on Tinder just before last Christmas, and who had proceeded to like my Instagram pictures for a full month before finally asking me out in January. Thought of how I was so excited by the thought of going out with him at first, then was quickly disenchanted when he'd blown me off after I had turned down his (last minute) date invites for legitimate reasons.
I thought of Luke, who had given me my first, adorable kiss this year after we had watched an alien movie in the midst of the strange, beautiful late April snowstorm. Thought of how, though we lost interest in each other, how nice he was to me. I hope he's doing well now.
Thought of Jacob. Immediately stopped thinking of Jacob as I dry heaved.
Then most importantly, most relevantly, thought of a ghost from even further back, from two Christmases ago--I thought of Brennan. Thought of our Christmas Eve Eve coffee date, and how I'd intended on bringing him some of the Christmas cookies my mom and I had made, but I had forgotten them in my mad rush to get there and not be late. (Even though I still was.)
Which brings me to what happened on December 6th.
That morning, Brennan sent me a snap.
I waited a full 3 hours until opening it, because I was freaking out.
This was the first time he'd initiated conversation since last summer, I was positive. He'd still been lurking in my snap story on a regular basis, and at this point, I was used to that. He even still occasionally liked some of my Instagram pictures, and eventually I had gotten used to that, too. But he hadn't tried to talk to me in ages.
But the weird thing was, this didn't feel like when J*cob had slid into my DMs in October. I wasn't immediately filled with rage. I actually kind of felt...nervous.
Maybe I was nervous because I had already been thinking about him in the first place, and then ta-dah! Surprise! Sudden contact!
Finally, when I stopped psyching myself out, I just decided to open the damn thing. And lo and behold, what was it? A video of him, captioned, 'this is more my style' or something like that, to be honest I was sort of dazed as I watched it--with the cat face filter. Because of course cat-loving Brennan would send me that.
I wasn't thinking, only thinking that I actually wanted to respond this time. I didn't look cute, but at the same time I didn't want to look cute because I didn't actually know if he still had a girlfriend--I hadn't snooped his Facebook in forever. I didn't want it to seem flirty if he was still dating her. So just to be safe, I picked the ugliest face filter I could find--an Albert Einstein one. And then I captioned it 'this is my style, personally' and send it.
I think the motivation was just to send something disarming or funny, so I didn't seem like a total bitch, but who knows how he could have taken it. He didn't respond anyway, just opened it. And that was that.
Except he's still been watching my whole snap stories like before. And I really wonder why he sent me that snap in the first place.
Especially considering the fact that when I finally got the guts to snoop his Facebook, I saw that him and his girlfriend are still together.
Maybe it was an accident? But if he had accidentally sent it, he would've just been able to delete the snap he sent before I saw it, right? I'm pretty sure that's possible, though I've never done it personally. (So I may be totally wrong about that.)
Or perhaps he still wants to be friends with me? And if so, why? Why would he want to be friends with the girl that was a total bitch to him for no reason? (As far as he knows anyway.)
So Internet...it's like this. I've tried to let go of this, to brush this off. But the Christmas Crazies have taken over.
After a bit of introspection, I realized that it's been 2 years now since I first met Brennan in person. And I realized that on average, with friends especially, it takes roughly 2 years for me to warm up to someone new before I feel like I can trust them. Some things began to come together in my brain.
Maybe before I hadn't warmed up to Brennan, and that's one of the reasons why I was so scared to get close to him, as I often am with people. Maybe it's been long enough since I've met him that I've actually come to like him. I don't know.
Sigh. But that sucks, right? Because he has a girlfriend.
I mean, there has to be a reason that bothers me so much. If I didn't like him, at least a little bit, it wouldn't bother me that he has a girlfriend. Especially since they'll be together two years next May. If I was just feeling a little spurned, I would've gotten over it by now, surely.
For a good while, I thought I was over it. But turns out I'm actually not.
But maybe it's just the holiday nostalgia talking. Maybe I'm not actually not over it. Maybe it's just the memories coming back to haunt me, twisting my emotions in some way.
Either way, Internet, I've gotten the strong urge to reach out to him. I have the strong urge to apologize to him for how I treated him.
I have no desire to break up his relationship. Absolutely not. I have never and still never want to be that girl. I have much more pride than that, and that would totally make me feel like a horrible person. (Actually, it would make me a horrible person.)
But I just feel that I owe him an apology for treating him the way I did. It would only be an apology, and nothing more than that. I would leave him alone after that if he wished. I just don't like this remaining, unresolved underlying tension between us. The fact that he even has reached out to me at all after how I treated him is truly something else. It makes me feel sad. He's so nice to me. Why?
But I would want to make sure that it would be for his sake too, not just to ease my guilt about it. I for sure want to get it off my chest, but would it really benefit him too if I apologized after nearly 2 years? Or would it be like spitting in his face? I can't shake the feeling that this doesn't feel fair to him.
I don't know, Internet. I've been trying my best to ignore this urge, but when I think about that snap he sent me out of the blue, the urge grows stronger. And maybe it would be the right thing to do.
I'll think about it a little more, maybe get some advice about it. I just don't want him to hate me. (Not to mention I don't want his girlfriend to hate me. Gulp.)
Meanwhile, another laid-back Christmas is on the way.
The only thing I asked for this Christmas was a new bed, considering I've had my current bed since I was 6 years old. (It was my first big-girl bed, and used to be a canopy. Twin sized. Now it's just cramped, and my 18 year old mattress is unbearable with my multiple joint problems as of late.)
The other thing I wished for this Christmas was one more Christmas with my dog. She's gotten old, almost 14, and last month, we had a seriously devastating health scare with her where we thought it might be the end of things. She's still hanging on like the fighter she is, and we're taking it one day at a time now, cherishing our time with her as much as we can. I'm scared to lose her, but I'm doing my best not to think of that and hug and kiss her every single day.
I also wished for snow, but...well. La Nina had different plans, and it seems that may not happen. Sigh.
But maybe, just maybe, this Christmas I could give someone a much-needed apology so we can both move past it.
I DON'T KNOW. UGH.
I'll keep you guys updated. And Happy Holidays to you all!
xo Hopeless Romantic
halloween xxii: the return of jacob (the nightmare).}
Monday, October 24, 2016 | 9:29 PM | 2Comment
Internet. I'm back. And boy, do I have an update for you.
Let's just say that this update is up there right next to Phil for 'WTF'ness.
Gather 'round, kids. LET'S GET SPOOKY.
So, needless to say, when I had written my last entry about Jacob, I was 1000% done with him.
But, here's the thing that didn't make it into the last entry: A few weeks after we'd stopped talking, something happened. Now, I had made the unfortunate decision not to unfollow him on Instagram. Truth be told, I don't think I wanted to give up looking at his selfies. He was still really hot, unfortunately.
But he hadn't unfollowed me either (unlike Amad--dude unfollowed me some time after he had moved. I mean, I get it, but ouch.), so I didn't see the harm in it really. And it's not like I ever liked his pictures anymore anyway--but this bad decision would come back to haunt me. I'll get back to that in a sec.
So what happened was, because of Instagram's handy (read: horrible) function that shows you whatever activity those you follow do on the app, from likes to comments, I saw something I definitely hadn't wanted to see, even if I were purposely looking for it.
Lo and behold, there Jacob was, very publicly wooing another Instagram girl with tons of followers.
It was the whole nine yards: likes, heart emojis and heart EYE emojis along with thirsty comments on all her selfies, everything. I went to her feed to look at her pics.
She was gorgeous, truly. I wasn't salty towards her about it. Jacob was the one coming at her full force with super concentrated interest as he had done with me, which was what had drawn me to him in the first place. I thought it was weird that he was pursing her so shamelessly, firstly because she lived 7 states away. Really, though, she was super out of his league. And she seemed to know this too, considering she barely responded to any of his borderline creepy comments.
Anyway, I mean, not to be dramatic, but after this, figuratively he was pretty much dead to me. He did not exist to me anymore, basically.
So after this happened I moved on with my life, and I didn't give him another thought.
That is, not until two weeks ago. Hoo, boy.
So the day before The Incident, I'd had an eventful day in which I'd worn a really cute outfit. Of course I documented it with some cute selfies, because duh. And I felt pretty good about those pictures, too. All my friends liked them, and all was good.
Until the next morning.
The next morning, not only do I wake to unpleasantly find that Shark Week had come almost an entire week early, but it got worse. I check my phone after taking some OTC painkillers, and wow, look at that!
An Instagram DM from Jacob sent at three o'clock in the morning.
Yep, Internet. Jacob slid into my DMs.
Just the sight of the notification on my phone is enough to send me into a blind rage. Jacob had the audacity to slide into my DMs after 4 months of not speaking? Literally right after I posted some cute selfies? What??? WHAT?!?!? WAS HE FOR REAL?????
I was OUTRAGED. What could make him possibly think I wanted to speak to him again?
After calming down a little bit, I finally got the courage to open up the message. And then my rage lit up all over again.
What do I see first? A...picture of a flower.
Let me reiterate, Internet.
Picture that I was laughing in hysterical, manic fury, just like Nic Cage up there. Because that's what happened.
A picture of a flower? Really? Really?
That was the best he had? The best he had for blowing me off the way that he did? The best he had for the way he had disrespected me and then lied right to my face afterwards?
A PICTURE. OF A FLOWER.
There was more to the message, you guys. But it's been nearly two full weeks since this happened and I still can't believe the audacity of that PICTURE.
I mean..........at least it wasn't a d*ck pic, right? That's really the only worst thing I can think of that could've happened instead. But still. Wow.
So after the picture of a flower, he sent me this long paragraph which I will paraphrase for the sake of ease:
"Hey Sarah! So, it's been a while. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I kind of went through some stuff over the summer. I was hoping that we could pick things back up where they were before. I think you're an amazing person, and I'd love it if we could hang out sometime soon. *winking emoji*"
He went there. I mean he really went there.
You know what's HILARIOUS, Internet? I had actually predicted this happening.
The moment I had seen Jacob pursuing that Instagram girl, I knew she would reject him hard and he'd come crawling back to me. I told all of my friends as such. And look what happened. Exactly what I said.
So now we have the next phase of the story: my reaction.
All of my friends and I had a good laugh over all of this. Then, they helped me deal with it. The first solution we decided on was to simply ignore him and leave his message on read.
I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted to curse him out, call him every name in the book. Send him insulting ironic memes. I WANTED TO DO IT ALL. But as one of my friends so artfully pointed out, sometimes having your sincerity ignored is the biggest punch in the face of all. (After all, I would really know about that, wouldn't I?)
So I ignored him. And the rest of that day, the situation seemed to have ended. But no. Ohhhh no. The fuckery was just beginning.
The next day when I wake up, I have another Instagram DM notification from none other than Jacob again.
What did it say? Just a lone heart emoji. The red one.
Okay. Weird. Who sends someone a heart emoji to someone ignoring them? This guy, apparently.
Time for another solution, my friend and I decided. It was time to be petty. It was time for a subpost.
Now, usually I'd say I'm above these tactics. Subposts are immature, for sure. But I had to get this guy off my back, and ignoring him clearly wasn't cutting it.
After I had opened up the heart emoji DM, just to get rid of the notification really, I got another message half an hour later. This one was even creepier.
"I'm serious, you know!"
Wow. Ominous. I don't know if it was because of his insistence, or the slightly pushy tone of his 3rd consecutive DM, but at this point I was seriously getting uncomfortable.
Also at this point, I was SO glad I hadn't told Jacob where I lived.
Luke was the one who had driven me home, and to this day to me remains a model example of Guys Who Are Dateable (even if I didn't have feelings for him myself, I still seriously respect how he treated me before, during, and after our date. Just a good guy all around. He'll make some girl out there super happy).
Thankfully I had gotten rides to and from the Starbucks Jacob and I had met at. And I'm so glad that I had insisted on getting my own ride, because Jacob had even offered to pick me up from my house and drive me home. I'm so glad my own carefulness paid off.
Internet, without a doubt, if Jacob had known where my house was, he would've showed up here. 100% he would have. And when I realized this, I was even more creeped out. (Actually, that night, I had a nightmare where he showed up at my front door. No joke.)
(Mike? Is that you? Are you actually Jacob?)
So I finally hurried up and chose a suitably shady meme to post to my Instagram where he could see, complete with Queen Bey Lemonade lyrics for the caption, because of course.
But literally AS I WAS GETTING READY TO POST IT, he messaged me another heart emoji. THE THIRD ONE. Okay! Really freaked out now! Supremely freaked out!
I post the damn meme before he can send me anything else. All my friends like it, fully supporting my call out of this utter creep. And then...crickets. Finally, the DMs end. For a few hours there's peace.
And then, hours later, he likes it. HE LIKED THE SHADY POST ABOUT HIM.
I'm just thinking ok, it must be sarcastic. It must mean he knows it's about him and now he's going to leave me alone. I go to his page and unfollow him. That's obvious enough, right? He'll understand that, and it'll be the end of it for good.
The next day, I post another random, unrelated picture. He likes it.
I don't know if he was just too daft to get that I was rejecting him, or if he was choosing to ignore it altogether to continue to try to woo me again, but enough was enough.
Alright, I decide. That's it. No more of this. I block him. And finally, FINALLY, that is the end of things.
This whole thing was so absurd. This was 'Phil texting me on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in 6 months to tell me that he's in love with me and then chickening out of it 30 minutes later' LEVELS OF ABSURD. And I didn't think anything could match that!! (7 years later and that whole thing still pisses me off.)
Not only was this laughable, and outrageous, and creepy, and transparent, and a whole bunch of other things. But man...it's just plain sad.
I can't believe I thought Jacob was hot. I can't believe I was ever attracted to him. On his Instagram bio, he said he's 'Forever Single'. Um. Gee. I wonder how.
I mean, I've always been single too. And it wasn't always by choice, but it sure as hell is by choice now that I've been out in the dating world and gaped in horror at my choices. (Exaggeration, but you get me.) But Jacob...he's desperate. He's a 26 year old man and he acts this way with women. Lusts after them when he's lonely like they're objects. Like a teenaged boy. And it's pathetic. Truly pathetic.
Gross. Grooooooss. I can't believe I ever compared him to Andy Sixx. What an insult.
Anyway. So yeah, Internet. There it was. My creepy true Halloween story. Did it spook you? Yeah? Me too.
But it looks like the nightmare is over for good now.
As for my actual Halloween plans this year, it looks like I may be marathoning creepy movies with one of my baby cousins (who turned 15 this year...wtf? Wasn't she 12 like two seconds ago?) on All Hallows Eve. Still don't know what my costume's gonna be, though.
Maybe I'll go as an old brief flame raising from the dead to show up unprovoked, sliding into your DMs. Ooooh. Scary.
And for my plans after Halloween, I plan on participating in NaNoWriMo again this year, as well as diving headfirst into Xmas movies and Xmas music to fully avoid the rest of this hell-on-Earth election.
Ugh. Can't wait.
xo Hopeless Romantic
boy, bye. (more like 'boys'.)}
Saturday, July 16, 2016 | 9:07 PM | 0Comment
Internet. Here it is. Explanations and updates.
Basically, let's cut to the chase:
1. Decent first kisses with someone doesn't guarantee a thing.
And 2. Being super freaking crazy attracted to someone doesn't make them less of an asshole.
Let's start with number 1. Luke.
I wanna make this very clear: Things were going great at first. Truly. We had great conversations, we got along fantastically. Our kiss was (though I have no frame of reference) very nice. I'm super happy with the fact that my first kiss ever was such a sweet, pleasant memory. (Especially after waiting so damn long for it to happen.) And he was really good at touching my face and smoothing my hair the way it turns out I reaaaaally like. (Like, really really really.)
But...here's the thing. Things kinda just...dwindled afterwards. We had actually originally planned for a 2nd date the same weekend I met Jacob, but Luke's dog fell really ill and ended up needing surgery, so he needed to take care of him. I completely understood, and I also felt horrible for his puppy and wished him a fast recovery.
During that whole thing, I texted him a lot less and gave him space, considering he was having a hard time. And so, just before that time of less talking, I matched with Jacob on Tinder. (More on him soon after this, promise.)
We talked. And the more I talked to Jacob, the more interest I had in him, and the less interested I was in Luke. Being really, truly honest here. And yes, I felt guilty about losing interest in Luke, especially since the only reason we had cancelled our date at the movies was because of his poor doggy.
But to be fair, I didn't really have any feelings for Luke. I tried to, I really did. I had nice kiss feelings, and wow-we-have-a-lot-in-common feelings, but nothing beyond that. It was like Brennan all over again (minus the kiss). That was why I was going to give a 2nd date a shot for the very first time--to see if there was potential for any feelings at all to develop. But after that 2nd date was cancelled, it was never rescheduled. So, really, there was no reason for me to feel guilty anyway, seeing as he'd likely changed his mind too.
No harm, no foul. It just didn't work out. But Luke gave me a pleasant 'first kiss' memory, and he never treated me badly. I'll always appreciate that.
So long, Luke. Good luck to ya.
Now onto number 2: Jacob. Ugh. Here we go.
Like I said, me and Jacob started talking sometime after my first date with Luke, and we set up a date for the day Luke and I had originally planned to go out.
I hadn't expected much from Jacob, truthfully--our conversations over text were boring and kinda shallow. He could decently hold a conversation over text, though (no one-word answers) so I figured it couldn't hurt to meet him.
I met him in the same Starbucks I'd met Luke at, and...well. Let's just say I'd greatly underestimated how attracted I would be to him. By liiike, a LOT.
I was GOBSMACKED by how attractive Jacob was. Holy freakin' hell. Remember Andy Sixx? Yeah. THAT hot. (Yup. I can still admit this now, though things between us imploded and rained down upon the earth in flaming pieces. But more on that soon.)
I didn't think the alt/scene look was still A Thing, but apparently it is. Or maybe it's coming back. And as it turns out, I still think it's hot as hell. And the whole thing--long hair, tight pants, and tonnnnnnns of tattoos, yeah. He pulls it off. And inner 16 year old me couldn't believe someone this super fucking hot wanted to go on a date with ME. My mind was blown.
(^Andy 'The god' Sixx. Just wanted an excuse to post a pic of him tbh.)
(Also, I didn't mention this: before we even met, he'd also asked me if I wanted to go see Suicide Squad...which at the time, wasn't coming out for 2 and a half months. Dude was so excited to date me he wanted to schedule dates almost 3 months in advance. Sheesh. Slow your roll, man.)
He was hot in his pictures, too, but honestly I'd thought they were maybe edited. When we first matched, I'd actually shown all of my friends his pictures, because I was positive that it was a fake profile and that someone was Catfishing me.
In person, I was positively SHAKEN by how hot he was. I kept my composure pretty well, I think, but geez Louise. I wasn't ready.
And that is how my last update came to be--cryptic and deep.
One time meeting this guy, and my immediate attraction to him had me thinking that I'd finally found someone I genuinely wanted to date, for the first time in freakin' years. I hadn't been immediately attracted to someone like that since Kenneth--and even crazier, we had a great time at Starbucks. We got along great, conversation was fun and easy.
That's where that RB comparison came from--I hadn't felt that way since him. And we had a lot in common, too: our love of comic books, Japan, and the fact that both of us were in online school in high school. YES INTERNET. HE WAS IN ONLINE SCHOOL TOO. That HAD to mean something, right?! That had to mean it was fate!!
...So, understandably, I got ahead of myself.
So that brings us to where this went on a flaming fat rocket to the seventh layer of Hell.
Jacob and I had planned to go the movies the very next weekend (suggested by me...I'm not great at date ideas, okay?), and once again this would've been my first 2nd date ever. He was enthusiastic about the idea and immediately said yes.
We hadn't planned out the finer details of everything yet, and conversation over the week was light and not as often, which I figured was normal. But then the day before our date came, so I texted him to schedule out the final stuff--what movie we were seeing, what time would be best for both of us, etc.
Hours later, I try to text him a second time, thinking he just hadn't seen my first one. And...still nothing. Zip. Zero.
Since I had been through this same song and dance earlier this year with Amad, I knew exactly what was going on. I was being blown off. AGAIN.
I waited 4 more hours. Still no response. By now I'm really getting agitated. In my annoyance, I decide to open Instagram and scroll through it to calm down. Before I start scrolling down my timeline, as always, I check my activity feed to see who else is on Instagram.
And lo and behold, who do I see?
But he is not just on Instagram, which means that he was on his phone and had been for a while, he was liking girls' pictures. But not just any girls. Lingerie models. And nude models. By the droves. He was liking so many of them, and multiple pictures from each account, that now that I think about it, I'm convinced he was trying to get their attention so they would follow him back.
Hah. HAH. HAHAHA.
I exploded, y'all. On the inside, of course. Not on the outside. But I EXPLODED.
Not only was I being blown off by him, the night before our daytime date, but I was being ignored in favor of lingerie and nude models, with hundreds of thousands of followers, that will literally never in his life give him the time of day.
OH. HELL. NO.
So from there, I already knew what I had to do. My weeklong crush on him was officially dead and buried.
I texted him one last time. Knowing I couldn't call out him blowing me off without sounding psycho, I settled on passive aggressive cordiality. The message I sent him went something like, "Alright, I understand. No hard feelings. Have a nice Sunday! *smiling emoji*" After sending it, I turned my phone off, left it across the room, and went to bed early.
The next morning my phone was flooded with Jacob's half-assed apology--yeah, the next morning--and, because he just couldn't bear to be real with me, it was sprinkled with a lie. He claimed that he'd been asleep when I'd texted him, when in fact I'd texted him THREE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY, and during the last of the 3, I had visual proof of him not being asleep.
So now, not only had he blown me off my scheduling our date to j*ck off to girls he'll never ever meet, but now he'd also LIED TO ME.
Yup. Yup. I was so done. I was so done that you couldn't stick a fork in me if you tried--I was solid, burnt, ruined food levels of DONE.
Calmly, I replied, telling him that since he hadn't answered me, I'd assumed that he'd changed his mind and decided to make other plans. (Plans to wrap myself up in blankets and pillows and read a book for the entire day, that is.) I told him if he wanted to make plans some other time, we'd have to schedule it ahead of time, since I was busy working the next weekend.
Notice the lack of any specific mention of rescheduling. He certainly did. He asked if we could do something the weekend after, and all he got was a 'we'll see :)', which meant 'definitely no, never, not on your life.'
I immediately deleted his number. After 4 unreturned likes on Instagram, he's finally gotten the point and left me alone.
You blew it, Jacob. See ya never. Good luck on your valiant mission to make your Instagram The Instagram Account With The Most Amount of Selfies With Literally 60 Hashtags Underneath Each One.
Needless to say, I've been listening to Lemonade nonstop lately. Ahh. It's like therapy. Thanks, Queen B.
I was left so angry and annoyed by this entire ordeal that I decided to delete my Tinder account 2 weeks afterwards.
I was tired of being blown off by these guys like my attention and time meant nothing. Jacob's lying to me was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
So...that's the whole story, Internet.
I think I'm done with dating for a while again, guys. This last stint has left me exhausted and annoyed by how impossible dating seems to be. It's shown me that, even when I don't run away and act like a coward (like I did with Brennan), even when I'm totally honest, totally myself, and totally open minded, things usually still don't work out. That's just how it is.
I've had my fill for this year. The rest of 2016, I'll only be focused on me.
I'll be focused on me, my dog-sitting doggies, my writing (which I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact. Doing the same summer writing challenge that I did last year!), my books, and possibly my return to school in the fall. Sounds pretty great to me.
xo Hopeless Romantic