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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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a tenth. a first. and a goodbye.}
Sunday, December 2, 2018 | 9:19 PM | 2Comment




To my beloved Internet,

It has been long. Much too long. How I've missed you.

I have started and stopped several entries before this one. I never posted them because they didn't feel quite right. And just as well, I've been so swamped with my fiction writing this year (a revision on one of my novels that resulted in axing 50k words from it, work on another novel I started in '16, and finishing a whole novella!) that I felt like I couldn't dedicate enough time to writing a nice update for you all.

Also, at some point, there was so much happening that I didn't feel like I could adequately write about it all. But, as always, there is the ever-famous bulletpoint entry. So let me sum it up for you:


  • In March of this year, I entered my 25th year around the sun. Many confusing, exciting things have happened in my 25th year, but I've enjoyed 25. 25 is nice, and so far, much nicer than being 24.
  • In May of this year, this blog turned 10 years old. An entire decade of being your ridiculous, overly-sensitive, one-and-only Hopeless Romantic.
  • I continued working at my job, and I continued loving it, as well as being able to experience wonderful opportunities for my resume, as well as wonderful life experiences.
  • I started going to the movies by myself, and it turned into one of my favorite new hobbies. Turns out I'm a bit of a movie junkie, and I enjoy watching them the most when I'm alone, but with a group of other movie junkies who watch movies the same way I do--silently. Ahh, sweet silence.
  • I started seeing someone, who then became my very first boyfriend.


Huh. Sooo...where to begin?

Kidding. I know you guys are DYING to hear me dish on this guy who became my first ever boyfriend. Me. Hopeless Romantic, in the year of 2018, AND A FIRST BOYFRIEND. 

FINALLY.










Now, before you all celebrate, let me stop you right there: it's not Brennan. And it didn't end well.

But, well, seeing as he was my first boyfriend, and most people have their first boyfriend/girlfriend in like...middle school, sometimes high school? Yeah. Usually that does not work out so well. And in this case, it didn't.

But let me start at the beginning. Let's call him Jon.

Now, after the whole Brennan ordeal of late last year, I ended up confronting him. I told him up front that I had felt taken advantage of, and used, and that it didn't fly with me. I told him I take my own feelings very seriously, and that I need someone who takes me seriously as well. I told him that I'll be his friend, but if he can't handle being JUST straight-forward, platonic friends, then he needed to stay away from me.

He ended up responding with this whole rant about how sorry he was for treating me that way, and how he didn't even know what he wanted or what he was doing with his life, and honestly it was pretty sad. It was through this that I realized how hard this breakup of his had been on him, way more than he had initially made it seem.

Frankly, after all of that, it put me off of Brennan for good, and I left him alone. Aside from him sending me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, we mostly stopped speaking--which, after the way he had treated me, I was glad for. Immediately following, I signed up for Bumble, wanting to move on ASAP.

Nothing came of Bumble for several weeks afterward. For a little bit, I was talking to this guy from there who Super Liked me, who ended up coming on WAY TOO STRONG and made me super uncomfortable 95% of the time. 

Nothing came of it for months, and I was feeling so weary of the whole dating scene that I was planning on deleting the app.

But when I sat down to delete my account in June, I decided I might take one last swipe-through, just in case. 

So I was swiping. Swiping, and swiping, and swiping. Losing my faith in humanity and swiping. Feeling my soul die and swiping.

Then finally, miracle of miracles, I find a guy's profile that interests me. Just to see, I swipe right. We immediately match.

The guy? Jon.

I send the opening message, telling him he's handsome and making a comment about something he'd written on his profile. He immediately messages back, super friendly, we talk for a bit. He asks me out to a movie for the next weekend, I say yes. Success.










Now, when we meet in person for the first time, it's a little weird. He's kind of quiet, he's obviously very nervous. I was nervous too, but after seeing him, he was much more nervous than I was. I try my best to be friendly to make him feel at ease, and we go in for the movie.

His laughter during the movie is high-pitched and it alarms me, but it's kind of hilarious. The unashamed, loud way that he laughs is disarming, and shows me that he doesn't care what others think. It warms me to him.

After the movie, I ask if he would like to get coffee at my favorite cafe by the movie theater that plays k-pop videos. He says yes.

He pays for my coffee, and we get to know each other a bit. He seems to have trouble looking directly at me, but he still seems nervous, so I give him the benefit of the doubt. (I found out later that he spent our entire first date absolutely terrified. Poor guy.) He lived in Japan for much of his adolescent years, but he says he likes it in America better. He complains about the trains in Japan, and it endears me to him. He lived a whole life growing up that I could never even imagine, and I want to know more.









So I say yes to date two, brunch at a hole-in-the-wall place downtown. He's a bit warmer this time, more comfortable. We talk about all our favorite movies, and our favorite music. I notice the tattoo on his forearm: the solar system. I love space. And now I like him even more.

Date three: Watching Harry Potter movies at his place. I was hesitant about going over to his apartment--I had never been to a man's apartment before. But I said yes, trying to take a step outside of my comfort zone.

He sensed that I was uncomfortable, and as we watched Chamber of Secrets, he only holds my hand. Fingers laced. I'm on cloud nine.






After date 5--a day trip to the mall, where he bought some things for me as a gift--when we watched a Japanese reality show on Netflix, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I cried, and I said yes. And when we left his place a couple of hours later so that he could drive me home, there was a double rainbow across the sky.

It felt like a sign. A wonderful gift just for me, from the universe.

That day made me so happy. It was wonderful, now knowing that these things could happen to me. I thought I was defective. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was the only one who would never experience that kind of happiness.

I now know that it's possible.






Unfortunately, after that, things steadily went downhill.

We still did fun things. We went to movies, talked on the phone, went out to eat, sat in his car for hours just talking and watching funny videos on each other's phones. Those parts were great. Those were the things I had always wanted, and never thought I deserved. 

I'll cherish those firsts for a long time. Maybe forever.

But sometimes he would ignore my boundaries--my personal boundaries as well as my relationship boundaries. At first I thought it was a mistake, and made excuses for him. I would restate them again and again, reminding him. He would say 'okay' and nod like he understood, and then he would bulldoze past them all over again. This happened so many times that it felt like I was losing my mind.

It happened so many times that when he told me that he loved me, it didn't feel like he meant it.

He said 'I love you' to me after 1 month of being official, after changing our relationship statuses on Facebook.

He said it right after I told him, repeatedly, that I wasn't ready for sex, and tried to force me to do it anyway.

I didn't say it back, Internet. Because the moment he said this to me, after the way he had treated me before in that confusing, unsettling moment, I knew I didn't love him.

Because I could never love someone who wouldn't treat me with the utmost respect. I thought he respected me--he opened doors for me, held hands with me in public, drove me home, and he told me he respected me. I thought that was enough. 

But other times he would shove his tongue down my throat like he was getting paid $200 a minute to do it. Other times, when I told him I was having a bad depression or anxiety day, he would ignore my need for space. And he would whine and guilt trip me when I said I wasn't ready to sleep with him. And when he wasn't whining and guilting me, he was groping me. 

At first it just began to annoy me. Then it began to anger and sicken me. We even began fighting about it. One of the last times I called him out on it, I got really angry. I thought we had settled this discussion the time before, and I was tired of feeling unheard. He swore up and down that he wouldn't do it again, and that he was sorry, and that he'd do better. He blamed his stress on it, and that he didn't mean to upset me. Little did he know, that final time we fought over it, I decided it would be the last time.

A lack of respect is not love.

We spent so much time angsting over this in the end that he barely know who I was.

Maybe Jon truly did love me, or who he wanted me to be. Maybe he still does. Or maybe he just said it so I'd sleep with him.

Either way, my mental health was suffering. The moment I realized I wasn't happy anymore, I wanted out. I needed to end it.






The worst part was that he was away on a trip and wouldn't be back for weeks. And I'm not some asshole who breaks up with someone over the phone. So for weeks, I stewed in misery, waiting for him to return from his trip so I could break it off.

I felt terrible about it. I knew that it would be awful for him to be dumped right after returning from a trip. But I also knew it would be worse, nay, cowardly to dump him over phone call or text while he was gone. It would've been downright cruel. So I did what I had to do.

He had told me once that one of his exes had dumped him over text, out of the blue, without even saying why. So I did the opposite of that.

When he returned from his trip, we went out. In person, sitting outside at a cafe, I told him exactly why I was breaking up with him. And I cried more than I thought I would, though admittedly I have gotten over it pretty fast, 3 months later.

Aside from the boundaries issue (which is unacceptable) and the not listening thing (he was the WORST LISTENER.), what it truly came down to was incompatibility.

He needs someone who wants to screw like bunnies all the time, and who doesn't mind someone who's a bit clingy.

I need someone who listens to me, and who respects me, first of all. But most of all, I want someone that I love.

Because when it came down to it, Jon was not right for me in several ways. I liked how attentive he was in the beginning, how sweet and thoughtful he was. But it changed so quickly, and he showed this other side of him, which I couldn't stand so much that he became unattractive to me. He became so unattractive to me that I knew I could never, under any circumstances, fall in love with him.

I need someone that I love.

And I know what love feels like because I have loved someone before.








With Ricky Bobby, I saw all of his flaws. I knew who he was, and what all of his weaknesses were. None of them mattered. Because down to my very soul, I loved him

I loved him. And as I said three years ago, I may always love him.

I swore I would never blog about him again. But on this tenth year of this blog, I can't help but bring it all back to the knucklehead that made me start this whole thing in the first place.

For years, I've wondered. Wondered if I'll even love someone else.

Thanks to Jon, I know I can.

For a little while, I thought I was on my way to loving Jon. Perhaps I was close. Before that whole incompatibility thing reared its ugly head.

And because of him, despite how it ended, I know now that someone can love me. That I'm not just this unloveable sad sack of a human, the one who cried herself to sleep in high school, thinking no one could ever love her.

I know I can be loved. I know now.









How long have you known me, Internet?

Have you been with me for all TEN years? In that case, wow. Thanks for sticking around.

Has it been a shorter time than that? Even then, wow. Thanks for being an anonymous friend in this lonely wide world.

For ten years, this blog was my sanctuary. It's been the place where I air my deepest thoughts, as loudly and as boldly as I want. I spent my formative years pouring my soul into the words on this diary, where strangers could either read them and identify, or read and be entertained.

I owe so much to this little space right here. This little corner of the Internet has meant the world.

But I'm sure that many of you, if there are much of you left, have noticed my increased absence in recent years. I would be surprised if anyone was reading this right now, in fact.

It's not that I've lost the drive to write. It's that I've channeled all of my energy and all of my soul into my fictional works. The more I gave to my characters, the less concerned I was about my love life, and the less self-absorbed I was.

And the more I've poured into my stories, the less energy I had for dissecting my own life and spreading it into words on the Internet, for the whole world to see.

My stories have grown into books. Books, plural. That I want to publish one day. And most of all, this year, I have been seeking a literary agent to represent my work. To find a publishing house so that those words might become real books one day.

This blog has been so much of my heart for so long.

And that's why I'm turning it into what I love most in this world: a book.









Of course, it won't be a memoir. I'll rearrange some things, pick better changed names, make some things more interesting (i.e.: FICTIONAL.). And of course, give it a happy ending, as my favorite kind of fiction deserves.

As for this blog, and for you all, I wish I could give you a happy ending.

I wish I could've come back with a bombastic, final blog entry in the form of AND THEN I FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH JON AND HE PROPOSED TO ME AND WE GOT MARRIED AND BOUGHT A HOUSE AND NOW WE'RE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END.

God, I wish I could've. More than anything.

But the sad fact of real life is that it's not as interesting as books. Things don't normally get happy endings. If they get endings at all, a lot of times they're anticlimactic and full of loose ends. Sometimes the endings are sad and tragic.

I think if I had eventually abandoned this blog, just up and left it without another word, that would've been the tragic ending.

So I thought: if I give this an ending, let it be like most of life: anticlimactic, same as always, and maybe a little boring. (Aside from me finally filling you in on that first boyfriend thing, months later.)

Because God forbid, Internet, that I end this epic love story with you with a tragedy.

To those left out there who have read my words, read my life, and have stuck with me, this is where we say our goodbyes. I've always been terrible at goodbyes.

This ride has been wonderful. And I wouldn't have wanted to spend it anywhere else. I may not have found love in Jon, or in anyone after Ricky Bobby (so far), but I sure found it in myself, and in you.







When I finish this book loosely based upon this hopeless romance life of mine, I'll likely delete this blog from the face of the websphere. I hope that enough of you see this final entry before I do, but don't worry, that may be awhile. (But just in case, if you wish to download an archive of my entries, or copy-and-paste or screenshot them, or what have you, I would do it ASAP.)

If 'The Life of a Hopeless Romantic' (title pending) appears on the YA shelves of a bookstore one day, I hope that some of you might recognize me there and pick me up to live on your bookshelves, so that you won't forget me.

Because I certainly won't forget any of you.

I love you. Adieu. The end.

And, for one last time: Happy Holidays, and happy New Year. Take care of yourselves, Internet. May your lives be full of love. And show love to one another, even if it's hard to find for yourself.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Forever,
Your Hopeless Romantic


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boy, bye. (more like 'boys'.)}
Saturday, July 16, 2016 | 9:07 PM | 0Comment



Internet. Here it is. Explanations and updates.

Basically, let's cut to the chase: 
1. Decent first kisses with someone doesn't guarantee a thing. 
And 2. Being super freaking crazy attracted to someone doesn't make them less of an asshole.

Let's start with number 1. Luke.

I wanna make this very clear: Things were going great at first. Truly. We had great conversations, we got along fantastically. Our kiss was (though I have no frame of reference) very nice. I'm super happy with the fact that my first kiss ever was such a sweet, pleasant memory. (Especially after waiting so damn long for it to happen.) And he was really good at touching my face and smoothing my hair the way it turns out I reaaaaally like. (Like, really really really.)



But...here's the thing. Things kinda just...dwindled afterwards. We had actually originally planned for a 2nd date the same weekend I met Jacob, but Luke's dog fell really ill and ended up needing surgery, so he needed to take care of him. I completely understood, and I also felt horrible for his puppy and wished him a fast recovery.

During that whole thing, I texted him a lot less and gave him space, considering he was having a hard time. And so, just before that time of less talking, I matched with Jacob on Tinder. (More on him soon after this, promise.)

We talked. And the more I talked to Jacob, the more interest I had in him, and the less interested I was in Luke. Being really, truly honest here. And yes, I felt guilty about losing interest in Luke, especially since the only reason we had cancelled our date at the movies was because of his poor doggy.

But to be fair, I didn't really have any feelings for Luke. I tried to, I really did. I had nice kiss feelings, and wow-we-have-a-lot-in-common feelings, but nothing beyond that. It was like Brennan all over again (minus the kiss). That was why I was going to give a 2nd date a shot for the very first time--to see if there was potential for any feelings at all to develop. But after that 2nd date was cancelled, it was never rescheduled. So, really, there was no reason for me to feel guilty anyway, seeing as he'd likely changed his mind too.



No harm, no foul. It just didn't work out. But Luke gave me a pleasant 'first kiss' memory, and he never treated me badly. I'll always appreciate that.

So long, Luke. Good luck to ya.

Now onto number 2: Jacob. Ugh. Here we go.

Like I said, me and Jacob started talking sometime after my first date with Luke, and we set up a date for the day Luke and I had originally planned to go out.

I hadn't expected much from Jacob, truthfully--our conversations over text were boring and kinda shallow. He could decently hold a conversation over text, though (no one-word answers) so I figured it couldn't hurt to meet him.

I met him in the same Starbucks I'd met Luke at, and...well. Let's just say I'd greatly underestimated how attracted I would be to him. By liiike, a LOT.

I was GOBSMACKED by how attractive Jacob was. Holy freakin' hell. Remember Andy Sixx? Yeah. THAT hot. (Yup. I can still admit this now, though things between us imploded and rained down upon the earth in flaming pieces. But more on that soon.)
I didn't think the alt/scene look was still A Thing, but apparently it is. Or maybe it's coming back. And as it turns out, I still think it's hot as hell. And the whole thing--long hair, tight pants, and tonnnnnnns of tattoos, yeah. He pulls it off.  And inner 16 year old me couldn't believe someone this super fucking hot wanted to go on a date with ME. My mind was blown.


(^Andy 'The god' Sixx. Just wanted an excuse to post a pic of him tbh.)

(Also, I didn't mention this: before we even met, he'd also asked me if I wanted to go see Suicide Squad...which at the time, wasn't coming out for 2 and a half months. Dude was so excited to date me he wanted to schedule dates almost 3 months in advance. Sheesh. Slow your roll, man.)

He was hot in his pictures, too, but honestly I'd thought they were maybe edited. When we first matched, I'd actually shown all of my friends his pictures, because I was positive that it was a fake profile and that someone was Catfishing me.

In person, I was positively SHAKEN by how hot he was. I kept my composure pretty well, I think, but geez Louise. I wasn't ready.


And that is how my last update came to be--cryptic and deep.

One time meeting this guy, and my immediate attraction to him had me thinking that I'd finally found someone I genuinely wanted to date, for the first time in freakin' years. I hadn't been immediately attracted to someone like that since Kenneth--and even crazier, we had a great time at Starbucks. We got along great, conversation was fun and easy.

That's where that RB comparison came from--I hadn't felt that way since him. And we had a lot in common, too: our love of comic books, Japan, and the fact that both of us were in online school in high school. YES INTERNET. HE WAS IN ONLINE SCHOOL TOO. That HAD to mean something, right?! That had to mean it was fate!!

...So, understandably, I got ahead of myself.

So that brings us to where this went on a flaming fat rocket to the seventh layer of Hell.

Jacob and I had planned to go the movies the very next weekend (suggested by me...I'm not great at date ideas, okay?), and once again this would've been my first 2nd date ever. He was enthusiastic about the idea and immediately said yes.

We hadn't planned out the finer details of everything yet, and conversation over the week was light and not as often, which I figured was normal. But then the day before our date came, so I texted him to schedule out the final stuff--what movie we were seeing, what time would be best for both of us, etc.

And...no reply.

Hours later, I try to text him a second time, thinking he just hadn't seen my first one. And...still nothing. Zip. Zero.

Since I had been through this same song and dance earlier this year with Amad, I knew exactly what was going on. I was being blown off. AGAIN.



I waited 4 more hours. Still no response. By now I'm really getting agitated. In my annoyance, I decide to open Instagram and scroll through it to calm down. Before I start scrolling down my timeline, as always, I check my activity feed to see who else is on Instagram.

And lo and behold, who do I see?

Yep. Jacob.

But he is not just on Instagram, which means that he was on his phone and had been for a while, he was liking girls' pictures. But not just any girls. Lingerie models. And nude models. By the droves. He was liking so many of them, and multiple pictures from each account, that now that I think about it, I'm convinced he was trying to get their attention so they would follow him back.

Hah. HAH. HAHAHA.

I exploded, y'all. On the inside, of course. Not on the outside. But I EXPLODED.

Not only was I being blown off by him, the night before our daytime date, but I was being ignored in favor of lingerie and nude models, with hundreds of thousands of followers, that will literally never in his life give him the time of day.

OH. HELL. NO.

So from there, I already knew what I had to do. My weeklong crush on him was officially dead and buried.



I texted him one last time. Knowing I couldn't call out him blowing me off without sounding psycho, I settled on passive aggressive cordiality. The message I sent him went something like, "Alright, I understand. No hard feelings. Have a nice Sunday! *smiling emoji*" After sending it, I turned my phone off, left it across the room, and went to bed early.

The next morning my phone was flooded with Jacob's half-assed apology--yeah, the next morning--and, because he just couldn't bear to be real with me, it was sprinkled with a lie. He claimed that he'd been asleep when I'd texted him, when in fact I'd texted him THREE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY, and during the last of the 3, I had visual proof of him not being asleep.



So now, not only had he blown me off my scheduling our date to j*ck off to girls he'll never ever meet, but now he'd also LIED TO ME.

Yup. Yup. I was so done. I was so done that you couldn't stick a fork in me if you tried--I was solid, burnt, ruined food levels of DONE.

Calmly, I replied, telling him that since he hadn't answered me, I'd assumed that he'd changed his mind and decided to make other plans. (Plans to wrap myself up in blankets and pillows and read a book for the entire day, that is.) I told him if he wanted to make plans some other time, we'd have to schedule it ahead of time, since I was busy working the next weekend.
Notice the lack of any specific mention of rescheduling. He certainly did. He asked if we could do something the weekend after, and all he got was a 'we'll see :)', which meant 'definitely no, never, not on your life.'

I immediately deleted his number. After 4 unreturned likes on Instagram, he's finally gotten the point and left me alone.

You blew it, Jacob. See ya never. Good luck on your valiant mission to make your Instagram The Instagram Account With The Most Amount of Selfies With Literally 60 Hashtags Underneath Each One.

Needless to say, I've been listening to Lemonade nonstop lately. Ahh. It's like therapy. Thanks, Queen B.



I was left so angry and annoyed by this entire ordeal that I decided to delete my Tinder account 2 weeks afterwards.

I was tired of being blown off by these guys like my attention and time meant nothing. Jacob's lying to me was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

So...that's the whole story, Internet.

I think I'm done with dating for a while again, guys. This last stint has left me exhausted and annoyed by how impossible dating seems to be. It's shown me that, even when I don't run away and act like a coward (like I did with Brennan), even when I'm totally honest, totally myself, and totally open minded, things usually still don't work out. That's just how it is.

I've had my fill for this year. The rest of 2016, I'll only be focused on me.

I'll be focused on me, my dog-sitting doggies, my writing (which I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact. Doing the same summer writing challenge that I did last year!), my books, and possibly my return to school in the fall. Sounds pretty great to me.



xo Hopeless Romantic

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*womp-womp trumpet sound from cartoons plays* sigh.}
Wednesday, June 29, 2016 | 6:21 PM | 0Comment

Sigh. Internet...I got some 'splanin' to do.

I'm going to update soonish. With a big giant update post. And when I do, I will explain the last post, as well as the mess of what happened afterwards, and then I'll explain what happened to Luke.

One thing's for certain: I'm done with online dating for a while again. Hoo boy, am I done.

 xo Hopeless Romantic

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changes and tinder shenanigans.}
Thursday, October 15, 2015 | 10:48 PM | 0Comment

Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.


  • I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
  • I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
  • Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
  • I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
  • After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)
So other than being up to all those things, I finally went to have coffee with Jazz two weeks ago. (After many unsuccessful tries.)

As you could imagine, after all that weirdness between us for weeks, I was a little worried about the meeting. 

I wasn't sure what to expect, if she would be annoyed with me the whole time, or vice versa. But ahead of time, I'd decided that I was going to confront her in some way. Not in an aggressive, accusatory way of course, because that's not my style anyway.

After she picked me up and we drove to a nearby Starbucks, and we had talked for a while comfortably like everything was normal, I finally, tentatively brought it up.

Opting to first ask the question I had been wondering for a while, and after telling her to be totally honest with me, I asked her, "Do you genuinely like hanging out with me? Be honest. I really want to know."

After considering it for a moment, she said easily, "Yeah, of course I do. Why?"

I was a little relieved, but I continued, "I just wonder if you do sometimes. Sometimes I'm not sure. Like...I don't want you to feel like you have to, you know?"

She nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But don't worry, if I didn't like hanging out with you I would just say so. You know me." And then she smiled. There was the Jazz I knew.

Hearing her say that was a huge relief to me. Jazz and I have (especially in recent years) been brutally honest with each other, and both of us have tried to be as open as we can with each other. This was something I tried my best to do with this coffee chat, and she did the same for me. It was a huge load off my shoulders, for sure.

Honestly, the whole parties-for-couples-only-and-no-singles thing still bothers me, but I've decided to let it go for now. Besides, if I ever brought it up to Jazz, she'd probably feel bad and invite me--which I would inevitably hate, because you guys KNOW how much I hate parties, hahaha. 

So really, it doesn't make that much sense for me to be upset over it. And it helps a bit that Jazz mentioned inviting me to dinner sometime at the new house, so at least now I know she's not actively trying to block me from her life, or something.

Backing up a bit, way before I confronted her about the weirdness, I had asked her about her new life.

Turns out, married life is different from what Jazz was expecting.

I had expected her to feel that way, to be honest, considering everything my mom told me about her first year of marriage to my dad. (After their first year of marriage, my parents were separated for a few months--like totally living in different places away from each other. After those months, though, they decided to move back in with each other and work it out--and they've been together ever since, 35 years this year.) And from what I can tell, Jazz had expected some difficulty, but I don't think she had expected this much.

She confided in me that getting used to her new life was proving more difficult than expected. She said she thought it would just be like living with someone she really liked, but it's turned into much more than that. 
Stuff like constantly cooking and making meals for 2, making lunches for her husband for when he goes to work (he can't cook even a little, apparently), doing constant cleaning and laundry straightening up has become a part of her everyday. In addition, the "we" part of her life is new--having to plan everything they do with him as a unit, not being able to do everything separately anymore.

She also said that her husband needs a lot of reassurance--he's always been that way, she said, but it's been even more than usual lately. And she said that his personality is much more dependent than she had realized. (Picture the look of barely restrained horror in my eyes as she said that. Clingy = my worst nightmare.)

Also, one of her other friends, who is older (40ish?) and who she met through her husband's old boss, is apparently really dependent and needs constant attention as well, so that's something else Jazz has been dealing with lately. With all of this going on, no wonder she hadn't had time to hang out with me.

About the big change of lifestyle, I told her that she'll probably get used to all the changes with time. "It'll feel like second nature soon. Just give it some time to settle," I said to her. 

She'd nodded in agreement, a slightly worn look on her face.

Among the topics of conversation, our ex-classmates came up as well.

Guess how many more people from our old school are now engaged or married?

5. 

Yep. Seriously, is there something in the water here or something? What the hell is going on?????????

Two of them are a pair that have been together since the 9th grade, and I gotta say, I'm happy for them. They're cute as heck. They're like Troy and Gabriela come to life. (A sweet, smart girl, and the tall popular basketball player. You can't make this stuff up.) Engaged. And totally made for each other. The high school match of everyone's dreams.

Another two who got engaged have been together since high school too--and the guy? I had a huge crush on him in the 3rd and 6th grade.

In the 3rd grade, I teased him because I had no clue how to express my feelings properly. I'd pinch him hard on the arm and then run away cackling because I got to touch him, and I'd stick my foot out to trip him and then apologize later because I'd feel bad. 

In the 6th grade, he was the first boy to ever reject me, and consequently the first boy to ever make me cry in the girl's bathroom. I swore I was in love with him, and even though he was half a foot shorter than me, I didn't care. (It wasn't love after all. But he has blue eyes you could fall into and never come out of--I still stand by this. I do not, however, stand by the embarrassing short stories I'd written about how we would get together in our 20's and fall in love. Soooo embarrassing.)
Crazy for me to think that he'll be getting married. (The girl I don't know well, she was two grades below us. She was the younger sister of someone in our grade, and I may have accidentally freaked her out once? Oops?) I'm happy for him, of course. I hope everything works out for them.

The last of the 5? Johnny.

He got married.

Johnny...is married. What. 

Yeah. And I'd had no idea until Jazz had told me. He literally got married 3 weeks ago.

One thing I haven't talked about on here yet is what I've recently (this year) found out about Johnny. I've long since realized that Johnny has issues. Drug issues, personality issues, etcetera. 

But one thing I hadn't known about Johnny this entire time was the fact that he's abusive.

A few months ago, Jazz had told me, for the first time, that during their friendship and very, very brief relationship (look here, here and here) Johnny was physically abusive towards her. He beat her up. And this whole time, she'd never said anything for fear of what people would say to her.

When she said this to me, I was shocked, to say the very least. To my very core. 

Even though I'm nowhere near friends with Johnny anymore, I had never really imagined that he would be capable of such a thing. But that's what family and friends sometimes say who are close to abusers (or worse, rapists), right? They never think it could be true, that they could be capable of something so disgusting. And to even for one second suspect that Jazz could've been lying would be unspeakably awful.

Honestly, having the realization that the only close guy friend that I've ever had in my whole life is physically violent was devastating. I couldn't believe I had misjudged him so severely. Towards me, Johnny'd had his mean moments. Moments when I had genuinely thought that he was a terrible person. On the flip side, though, sometimes I have flashbacks of the good times. Talking on the phone with him, texting for hours, helping him shop for new clothes at the mall, trying a cinematic, running jump hug with him in the hallway at school, him warming up my hands at football games when I was cold.

But just because someone can be sweet and fun sometimes, it doesn't mean that they can't be capable of cruelty and violence.

Johnny is a filthy, lowlife abuser. And now he's married.

I don't know who that girl is that he married, but...God. I feel sorry for her. I hope she's okay. And I hope that she'll be okay. I really, honestly do.
I can't imagine how it must feel for Jazz to hear about her abusive ex getting married, especially just months after her own wedding. Must be weird as hell. And surreal.

The three of us were best friends in the 9th grade. I still have a picture of the three of us at freshman homecoming. My, how quickly time changes things.

Despite some of the topics we'd talked about, the coffee date between Jazz and I ended on good note, driving with the windows down in her mini cooper back to my house.

Seeing my ex-classmates morphing into their adult selves continues to be a weird, wildly confusing time for me.



Aside from being busy and watching these changes unfolding from afar, I've been--once again--getting sucked in by Tinder.

It's worth noting that I still haven't deleted my OkCupid account yet. The thought of logging in again and addressing the 17 messages I haven't replied to fills me with such despair that I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Ugh. 

So, in the meantime, I've redownloaded Tinder for the 4th time. (Oy.)

Honestly though, if I had to compare the two: I like Tinder better. Why? Because in getting to choose who I swipe right on (which is very, very selectively) I am also, in turn, choosing who gets to message me. 
Essentially, on Tinder I'm only getting messaged by the guys that I would want to talk to. So I don't have to deal with a mass of "Hey. What up?" messages that fill me with misery.

I haven't met anyone in person yet, and I'm not sure I would want to anyway. I'm not really interested in going on dates at the moment, so that's why. 
But I absolutely don't object to having a nice conversation with some cute guys, texting them and whatnot. It's kinda fun, and at least that way I get some practice talking to guys so I don't get too awkward with them again. (Okay, I'm still awkward with them. But at least I'm less awkward with them than I used to be!)

If I start talking to someone and I think meeting in person would be fun? Sure, I'd do it. 
But I'd have to talk to them a lot beforehand and get somewhat comfortable with talking to them, like I did with Kenneth and Brennan. Both of them were totally cool with that, and it helped me be less apprehensive when the time came to meet them. So that's pretty important to me.

Also, I haven't met anyone this time that I've had that much interest in. (Also hey, isn't that new 'Super Like' feature kinda weird? The only people who 'super like' me are in their thirties. What's up with that?) 

Most of my matches haven't tried talking to me, and I'm not sure if that means they want me to message first, but I don't really care either way, so.

As the weather gets colder, I'll be having more decorating to do, more kdramas to binge watch and more jobs to apply for. Also, I might be either Louise from Bob's Burgers or Left Eye for Halloween. 

Let's hope Tinder doesn't get me swept up in a whirlwind of stress this time, shall we?




xo Hopeless Romantic

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on being an adult and how that even works.}
Tuesday, December 30, 2014 | 12:00 AM | 0Comment

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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the day i wasn't myself for a while. (aka Hopeless Romantic's 2nd date, ever.)}
Thursday, June 19, 2014 | 12:49 AM | 0Comment

Internet...on Sunday, I did something kind of crazy. Crazy for me, anyway.

First, let me start with this: there came a time about a month about ago when fandom life sort of snuck up on me and something sort of devastating happened. I won't say what specifically, but it was basically any fan of a band's second worst nightmare (the first being one of the members of a band getting killed, god forbid.). But yes, something sad happened with my favorite band, and I cried for a few days about it.

And around that time, I needed some entertaining distraction. Which led me to creating a Tinder account. Yes, I know. This is the second time I've created an online dating account out of needing entertainment. (The first being when I made my OKCupid account.) I should really get rid of this habit, it brings chaos into my life.

It seemed harmless enough though, and I actually had the app once before for a while, before deleting it once I got bored. And that time, nothing ever came out of it.

Well. This time, it was fun the first day. I actually got 3 matches in a row, which was bewildering and hilarious to me. Then, the day afterwards, the glitz had worn off and everything about the app annoyed me. I literally just sat there, scowling and swiping 'no' on everybody until I got fed up and shoved my phone away, lmao.

That continued for a about a week, until one day I decided I should add a more recent picture, and an hour or two after I put it on my profile, one of the matches I'd had for a week messaged me. Let's call him Kenneth. It was the first message I'd ever gotten and it freaked me out slightly because I was sort of just hoping that no one would try to talk to me.

Craziest of all, he was a 28 year old that I'd only swiped right on because he was way too hot and out of my age range to even consider me, or so I thought.

So there I was, freaking out that a hot 28 man was trying to talk to me. I didn't even open it for 3 hours or so, but in the end, I sucked it up, opened it and hesitantly responded. That lead to talking for the rest of the night, and I'd hoped he decided I was boring and that would be it.

Until the next morning, when I woke up to a message asking if I wanted to get coffee that weekend. INSTANT PANIC AND NAUSEA.

The whole day I worried over it, trying to think of the best way to say no without hurting his feelings (although I didn't even know him, so I very well could have if I wanted to. But I have a hard time with disappointing people, so I couldn't bring myself to.). The worry extended to that night, the night that I mixed sangria and a margarita and it ended up dismally. (Which pretty much happened like this: "Must! Relax! Forget about Kenneth! Drink more! Drink! Is it dizzy in here? Must relax! More drin--*runs to bathroom to puke*"). So after I got home and was still somewhat tipsy, I gathered the courage and made an excuse about my cousin's birthday being the next day and having to be there (which was actually true! Just stretched a little bit.)

He was disappointed and sort of saw through my excuse, which made me feel bad. So the next day, I started conversation instead, and we talked that whole day and the day afterward, during which he asked me out 2 more times.
The second time, I brushed it off casually and changed the subject, and then the third time, after watching Frozen and feeling inspired (I love it, leaf me be.) I decided to say yes.

I don't know what possessed me to, but I said yes. Maybe part of it was that we had added each other on Instagram, and he had the opportunity to see some more of my personality and weird hobbies (kpop) and still wanted to meet me, I think that said a lot to me. And then seeing more of his personality and not seeing any reason to say no again. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he treated me with respect, so why not?

So started the whole week I had to get prepare myself.

I made sure not to skip any exercise days, just to help with my confidence, and I did skin treatments and got my hair done on Saturday. Then Sunday came.

I woke up early, exercised, took a shower, and started getting ready. I'm not gonna lie, I was very nervous. But I kept thinking about how I felt the morning before meeting Drew and I couldn't help but make comparisons. I kept waiting for the real terror to come. I remembered how I was so nervous to meet Drew that I felt like I was going to vomit. I kept waiting for that, and it never came.

To be frank though, it helped that this wasn't the first time I was doing this. I somewhat knew what to expect more, and I wasn't just going in blind this time. Also, it helped that in my head, I was adamant on keeping things platonic, no matter what. No flirting. No physical contact whatsoever. Throughout making Tinder and starting to talk to him, I had the mindset that no relationship would come out of this, and that I had no interest in that at all. We would be friends hanging out, and that was it. No matter what.

So. I walked into the cafe, which was somewhat empty, and didn't spot Kenneth right away, but he recognized me immediately and walked over to me and said hi.

I don't remember a lot of the conversation at first, I just remember being superbly self conscious and sweating bullets from my armpits. We walked up to the counter for me to order a drink and without a word from him, he took out his wallet and paid for it.

This gave me a whole new surge of nervousness because holy crap, a guy just paid for me. But I mentally told myself to breathe and calm down, that it was no big deal, and that he was just being courteous.

So as I got my drink and we went to sit down on a sofa, we began to talk, and soon we were talking pretty much nonstop. And randomly, about 25-30 minutes into our conversation, he asks what the last movie I saw was. I told him it was Godzilla a few weeks ago, and that it was amazing. Then, after that, he asks, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"

Before I could think too much into it and talk myself out of it, I immediately said, "Okay, sure!" I didn't even hesitate.

This, my friends, was when I became someone completely different. Not your normal, everyday timid and shy Hopeless Romantic. I became SARAH. Capital S, capital A, capital R, capital A, capital H. SARAH, who goes on spontaneous movie dates. SARAH, who doesn't feel intimidated by this guy who she met on an app, who happens to be even more attractive than he is in his Instagram pics, which rarely ever happens and is kind of mind blowing. I lost my mind and became this alter ego version of myself, this is the only explanation I have of this, honestly.

So, yes. We sat there and decided on a movie (at first he suggested 22 Jump Street and another action type movie, and when he suggested How to Train Your Dragon 2, I nearly jumped up in agreement because I am 12.) and then immediately left the cafe.

As I got into Kenneth's car, I consciously tried not to psych myself out again. (Screaming in my head, "Don't freak out about getting into his car! Don't freak out about being alone with in his car! Don't panic. Don't panic.") And on the way to the theater, we talked even more. Not a bad driver, by the way, but he has this habit of holding his phone in one hand which is generally a bad idea, but I tried not to let it freak me out.

We got there pretty soon, and as we got out of the car, the wind was UNBELIEVABLE and I cursed the moment I chose to wear a dress and wear my hair down because I had to bunch my skirt in one hand to prevent a full on Marilyn Monroe from happening.

Anyway, so we got out and went to buy tickets, and since we had a good half hour until the movie, we decided to walk around outside for a bit. We walked to a nearby shopping center and into a Whole Foods, where we bought some snacks for me to smuggle in my purse.

On the way back, we were passing my favorite bubble tea place, which I pointed out and he suggested we go in and get something there too. So we go in, and he asks what I usually order when I go there, and I tell him taro boba, thinking that maybe he wants to try it. So I just stand to the side while he orders, not paying any attention, and when he turns around with a taro boba for me and a drink for him, I'm flustered but grateful.

So then we went the theater again since the movie was starting soon, but before then he asked if I wanted popcorn, to which I said 'sure' and he bought yet another thing for me omg. He just...kept buying stuff for me! To be fair, I could've said no, so that's partly on me too, hahaha. I was just so shocked, I guess.

So we find seats and watch the movie (it was wonderful, by the way) and meanwhile he ate most of the popcorn and Whole Foods snacks, but I didn't mind, since I don't eat much during movies anyway. (Plus he bought it, so fair enough!) And after the movie ended and we walked out of the theater, he asked if I was hungry, and I said, 'Sure!' Again. I swear, that is SARAH's favorite word.

We look for nearby places to eat on his phone and we decide on a sit down burger place about 3 minutes away, and zip on over. He orders a burger and fries and I settle on some fries (because I'm not that hungry) and we find a booth and sit, where we talk for 2 more hours.

I remember feeling so grateful that he was such a good conversationalist, because there were never awkward silences or pauses where I didn't know what to say. We talked about a lot, so much that I can't seem to remember most of the conversation topics.

One thing that's worth mentioning, though, was that after some prodding from him, I admitted that I'd never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed. It kind of came from me telling him about my online school experience in high school and the unrequited love I had for Ricky Bobby (because he'd asked about it previously). I got the response I usually get for that, shock, amazement, exclamations of 'how?!', etc, etc. When I explained it in full, he got it, but he still seemed baffled. I also got the usual, "You're still young, though. You'll have your chance." Yawn. It was appreciated, though.

Also he told me that he'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship in April, and that he has no interest in getting into a relationship for a while. And he told me about his dog, and I told him about my dog. And I told him about Rose and how we don't speak anymore.

We talked about a lot. More than someone would probably normally tell someone that they just met, lmao. But it was nice to just...talk to someone. And hang out with them.

Anyway, soon we realized that the sun was going down outside, so we left the restaurant and he drove me home. As I got out of his car and he walked me to my door, he mentioned we might be able to hang out again the following weekend, and I said that would be cool. We hugged (sort of awkwardly, it was hesitant and kind of weird, lol) and then I waved from my door as he drove away.

I'm still...kind of in a daze over the whole thing.

It just...doesn't feel real. I'm not used to these things happening to me. Because they just...don't. Not to me.

He was so...nice to me. And a gentleman. He opened doors for me, opened my car door for me, never said a word about paying for our stuff and even said that my dress was pretty. One thing that really sticks out to me even now was in the movie theater, when I was struggling to get my 3D glasses package open, he calmly handed me his already open 3D glasses to wear instead. Not gonna lie, I melted. Just a little bit.

I don't think a guy has ever treated me with so much kindness and respect, even as a friend.

But as I told my friends when I recounted all of this to them, even though it went very, very well, and I had a great time, this is definitely not going to go anywhere. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Just that, realistically, it can't go anywhere. For the following reasons:

  1. The age difference. I didn't notice it the majority of the time when we hung out, and honestly I never thought I would go out with anyone 7 years older than me, at least while I'm this young. So even meeting him at all was a big thing for me. But we are at very different stages of our lives. He's been out of school for a while, working as an electrical engineer. I've been out of school for 2 years now, and only just starting college in the fall (which he knows about, by the way). Very different lives. He's a man, and I'm still a girl.
  2.  The fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. I don't know a lot about serious relationships, but I get the general idea that when you get out of one you don't look for another relationship for a while. As he told me himself. And I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, now and for a long time. I'm trying to get myself and my life together, and I don't need a distraction from that. 
  3. The fact that he's moving soon anyway. He moves out of state to Chicago for a new job somewhere around mid-July, so yeah. There's that too. (Random, but GDI what is it with me and guys that move away?!) 
I think that's probably what kept me calm the whole time, knowing that there was no pressure at all to lead to something more. Just two people in their twenties hanging out. Nothing more, nothing less.

Even so, I appreciate him treating me well. This more than beats my experience with Drew, about 1000x over, in fact. Even as friends, it sort of made me realize that...I deserve to be treated that way. By any man. And that I should not have standards any lower than that. 

And more than that, I felt normal again. For just a day, I felt like a normal 21 year old. 

It was something I really needed. And even if we never hang out again, I'll always be grateful to Kenneth for that.

So. That was my 2nd date, ever. Where Hopeless Romantic went dormant for the day and SARAH came out to play. It was nice. And done right. And definitely something that I'll look back on very fondly.  

xo Hopeless Romantic

PS: During one of my times of swiping Tinder out of boredom, I found Drew once. I kid you not. I swiped left so fast I almost sprained my thumb. 

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You live nowhere near me, but damn you're cute.}
Saturday, August 11, 2012 | 8:25 PM | 0Comment

I'm right here!



Yup. Lives across the country from me, and is a bit slow to reply to messages sometimes (considering he messaged me first), but understandable, because damn. Daaaamn. I haven't seen someone so attractive on OKC for a long time, possibly ever. The amount of lady fans he must have, wow.

And I mean, look at his profile. Pokemon master. Straight edge. The Great Gatsby. Good literature. Comic books. Edgar Allen Poe. Tattoos, gauges and other various piercings. And he's clever.

Mother of GOD. Move across the country and marry me now, please. PLEASE. Like really. Right now.

Usually I don't even reply to guys that aren't from my state at least, but clearly I'll make an exception here. And a little hipster-y, which is weird because I'm usually not really into hipster guys, but also clearly making an exception here, because wow. Just. Wow. WOW.

I know that absolutely nothing will come of this, but hey. If anything, I'll have another nice online friend to talk to for a little bit. And it's not like he's bad to look at either, if I haven't mentioned that yet. Whew. We'll call him Gatsby.

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Also...DRINK PARTY!!!}
Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 6:49 PM | 1Comment

This guy. Ahahahah. Oh my god.

When I was online sometime last week, he happened to send me a message while I was still online.

"hello how r u" 

Pretty typical message on OKC. But, I saw his picture, got curious, and decided to look at his profile. And it provided lulz for days to come.

The 'drink party' is what gets me the most, I cannot read it without laughing. Partly because of the grammar, and partly because I picture someone with an exaggerated Borat accent screaming, "DRINK PARTY."

Oh, and look what I underlined! Looking for ages 21-33. What the hell is he doing messaging me for?! Dude's 28 and messaging me with worse grammar than people I know that just graduated high school. And call me crazy, but I don't think a 28 year old man would message a 19 year old to be 'new friends' (refer to the part under I'm Looking For, I partially drew over it). Lol. Just lol.

Also, "wanna chill with". Wanna chill with who? The Queen of England? Lindsay Lohan? We'll never know.

Drink Party has since looked at my profile every day since messaging me that last week. I really hope this is a troll account because if it's an actual profile, I want to quit the universe. But I'm more inclined to think someone made it for the lulz.

Either way, lulz were had.

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Dude. Are you kidding me with this?}
| 6:36 PM | 0Comment

I first got this message from him a few days ago:
"Just saying hi! Hope your week's going well!"
Nice of him, right? I didn't look at his profile, but I decided to respond anyway, because I'll rarely ever get decent friendly messages like that on OKC. So last night I respond with, "Thanks, I hope yours is too! :)" Maybe the smiley face was overkill, but I can't help it, I like smilies.

So then, not even an hour later, I get this. Four messages from this guy in a row, each one minute apart. I kid you not. And when I got the notifications, I was doing something else on my iPod, so getting four push notifications in a row was pretty irritating, lol. I thought maybe it was just a glitch, until I checked my email and saw all these.

Like, holy crap. First of all, couldn't he have put them all in one message? I mean really. Why spam me with four little ones with mostly single sentences in them?! This wasn't IM, either. It was in email! I don't...I can't...

This is what they said, in order of message, and I quote:

Message 1: Thanks!
Message 2: We have alot in common haha. I'm probably not as big a book worm as you but I can be a dork
Message 3: Oh and coffee, Italian, not a big partier or drinker also ha
Message 4: Have you traveled much?

...........See, these give me the impression of one aspect of online dating that I never really liked. The 'selling points'. When a person lists off their best qualities one after the other in a single sentence in hopes of you 'buying'. I never liked that. Like, I'm not buying a car here. I'm looking for a relationship. And why try to 'sell' yourself to everybody, most of whom you probably wouldn't have a connection with anyway? That's what makes me so uncomfortable.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be polite, haha. I hardly ever respond to messages on OKC anymore, and I thought I'd start to again, even if it's just to be polite. Perhaps this is why I stopped?

Also, I feel like the 'dork' statement was supposed to be a selling point for me. Should I be...flattered? Haha.

Sigh. Oh OKC.

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OKCupid Update}
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2Comment

So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."


Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

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I'm right here!



Yup. Lives across the country from me, and is a bit slow to reply to messages sometimes (considering he messaged me first), but understandable, because damn. Daaaamn. I haven't seen someone so attractive on OKC for a long time, possibly ever. The amount of lady fans he must have, wow.

And I mean, look at his profile. Pokemon master. Straight edge. The Great Gatsby. Good literature. Comic books. Edgar Allen Poe. Tattoos, gauges and other various piercings. And he's clever.

Mother of GOD. Move across the country and marry me now, please. PLEASE. Like really. Right now.

Usually I don't even reply to guys that aren't from my state at least, but clearly I'll make an exception here. And a little hipster-y, which is weird because I'm usually not really into hipster guys, but also clearly making an exception here, because wow. Just. Wow. WOW.

I know that absolutely nothing will come of this, but hey. If anything, I'll have another nice online friend to talk to for a little bit. And it's not like he's bad to look at either, if I haven't mentioned that yet. Whew. We'll call him Gatsby.

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Also...DRINK PARTY!!!}
Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 6:49 PM | 1 comment
This guy. Ahahahah. Oh my god.

When I was online sometime last week, he happened to send me a message while I was still online.

"hello how r u" 

Pretty typical message on OKC. But, I saw his picture, got curious, and decided to look at his profile. And it provided lulz for days to come.

The 'drink party' is what gets me the most, I cannot read it without laughing. Partly because of the grammar, and partly because I picture someone with an exaggerated Borat accent screaming, "DRINK PARTY."

Oh, and look what I underlined! Looking for ages 21-33. What the hell is he doing messaging me for?! Dude's 28 and messaging me with worse grammar than people I know that just graduated high school. And call me crazy, but I don't think a 28 year old man would message a 19 year old to be 'new friends' (refer to the part under I'm Looking For, I partially drew over it). Lol. Just lol.

Also, "wanna chill with". Wanna chill with who? The Queen of England? Lindsay Lohan? We'll never know.

Drink Party has since looked at my profile every day since messaging me that last week. I really hope this is a troll account because if it's an actual profile, I want to quit the universe. But I'm more inclined to think someone made it for the lulz.

Either way, lulz were had.

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Dude. Are you kidding me with this?}
| 6:36 PM | 0 comment
I first got this message from him a few days ago:
"Just saying hi! Hope your week's going well!"
Nice of him, right? I didn't look at his profile, but I decided to respond anyway, because I'll rarely ever get decent friendly messages like that on OKC. So last night I respond with, "Thanks, I hope yours is too! :)" Maybe the smiley face was overkill, but I can't help it, I like smilies.

So then, not even an hour later, I get this. Four messages from this guy in a row, each one minute apart. I kid you not. And when I got the notifications, I was doing something else on my iPod, so getting four push notifications in a row was pretty irritating, lol. I thought maybe it was just a glitch, until I checked my email and saw all these.

Like, holy crap. First of all, couldn't he have put them all in one message? I mean really. Why spam me with four little ones with mostly single sentences in them?! This wasn't IM, either. It was in email! I don't...I can't...

This is what they said, in order of message, and I quote:

Message 1: Thanks!
Message 2: We have alot in common haha. I'm probably not as big a book worm as you but I can be a dork
Message 3: Oh and coffee, Italian, not a big partier or drinker also ha
Message 4: Have you traveled much?

...........See, these give me the impression of one aspect of online dating that I never really liked. The 'selling points'. When a person lists off their best qualities one after the other in a single sentence in hopes of you 'buying'. I never liked that. Like, I'm not buying a car here. I'm looking for a relationship. And why try to 'sell' yourself to everybody, most of whom you probably wouldn't have a connection with anyway? That's what makes me so uncomfortable.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be polite, haha. I hardly ever respond to messages on OKC anymore, and I thought I'd start to again, even if it's just to be polite. Perhaps this is why I stopped?

Also, I feel like the 'dork' statement was supposed to be a selling point for me. Should I be...flattered? Haha.

Sigh. Oh OKC.

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OKCupid Update}
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2 comment
So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."


Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

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present me past me