♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Slowly, Painfully....Moving on.}
Sunday, June 22, 2008 | 8:13 PM | 0Comment

Hello Internet!

It's been a while since I wrote last. I've been soooo busy. I started my summer babysitting job, and I babysit 4 days a week now. D: Mhm. Four days a freakin' week. It can be a drag sometimes, but at least I'm getting 50 bucks a 'week'. Better than my $15 allowance.
And, when my best friend came home from Mexico, I told her everything. After telling her, she agrees with me that I should just let go of him. Her exact words. 'Why try to be friends with him when he doesn't even put effort into the friendship at all?' So, this whole time, I've been slowly trying to get over him.

Until just now. Just now, it got a whole lot easier.

So, I found out he is smoking Marijuana.
Me, being the 'anti-smoking anti-drinking anti-drugdoer' fanatic (my mom is a nurse), I got extremely upset. I know that when people do any form of self harm, its a kind of cry for help. Me, knowing him, he is basically a happy rich kid. What kind of problems could he possibly have to make him do that to himself?? He knows its bad for him. He's not stupid, and anyone with a brain knows that. So why would he do that. Me, I've most recently had my heart broken, my dad is in jail (long story, maybe I'll explain it another time) and our bills are stacking up. Yeah, I have issues! But do you see me causing internal damage to myself on purpose, setting myself up for laryngitis and dead brain cells???

Um, no.

So, whatever, you know? Go on, let him kill himself slowly. Since he obviously doesn't care about himself, why should I?? Why should I bother continuing to love someone that does something so horrendous?? Someone that does something that disgusting, so low, and so sickening doesn't deserve my love. I'm sorry, but he doesn't.

I'm so sick of him!! I'm so over him!! Screw him!!


Maybe he'll marry another druggie and they'll both die together in their 30's. See if I care.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Emotional rollercoasters take me again.}
Friday, June 6, 2008 | 1:53 PM | 0Comment

Hmmm.

So, I don't really regret it anymore.
Hahah. Let me explain myself.
I logged back onto my account. I look at my comments, do the routine stuff. Then, I look at my bulletins. (Okay, yes, I'm a myspacer. Good luck finding me with their 5 million members.) He posted two, and out of curiosity I look at the first one, expecting it to be all,

ZOMG WTF BBQ SOMEONE TTLY HATESS MEEEEEE. D:

Exaggerating, of course. But no, I didn't find that at all. Actually, they were surveys. So I was like, 'Oh, well then maybe it didn't get to him.' I was actually relieved. But then I actually read one of the surveys.

(Note: I don't actually remember the numbers of these questions, so I'll make them up as I go. Pink is me, 'responding' to his answers.)

11.) Do you believe your last ex deserves to die?
no. i actually miss her more than anything.

As in, miss pretty popular cheerleader. Figures.
motherf*****.

3.) Have you ever broken a heart before?
nope.

Like hell you did.

5.) Is there a person of the opposite gender that means alot to you?
of course.

Not me, obviously. I mean nothing to you.

8.) Is someone mad at you right now?
i dont know. chances are yeah.

You wouldn't believe how much I hate you right now.

77.) Do you believe you got some growing up to do?
sometimes.

More than you know.

6949305.) Do you fall for people easily?
not at all.

I'm painfully aware of that.

104.) Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
yea.

And that someone is the luckiest person alive.

9743.) Do you hate anyone?
no. I would just rather not be around them.

I'm so sure.

946.) Have you ever dated someone older than yourself?
yeah, lots actually.

....s*** on a stick. I'm older than him.
He's torturing me.

10334.) Is there something you wish you could tell someone?
of course.

I'd give anything to know who that person is.
But I know its not me.

0.) Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
a little bit, she's really cool though.

I knew this had no chance of being me, since he probably hates me anyway and he hasn't spoken a word to me since he moved.

I don't think I've ever had such mixed feelings for anyone.
I hate him.
But yet, part of me still yearns to be with him, even after all the crap he's put me through.

Whats wrong with me? D:
(excuse my language, by the way. I don't usually curse that much...see what he's doing to me?)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A mistake already regetted.}
Thursday, June 5, 2008 | 7:30 PM | 0Comment

I did something bad, Internet.

Real bad.

No, I didn't kill anybody. xDDD

But really...if you think about it, its not all that bad. I'm sure people do it all the time, but...
I've never done anything like it.
So...I sent him a completely anonymous message. Totally anonymous. But it was mean.

i think you're a stupid, inconsiderate, pompous jerk. go die.

D:

I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I was just so so so angry at him! I still am, but...I don't think he deserved that...he's generally a nice guy. I feel so bad. The moment I clicked Send, I felt horrible. I tried to cancel it, but it was too late. Jeez...I know its completely anonymous...but I feel so guilty! I get guilty so easily. It's going to eat me up inside, knowing that I can never tell him. Well, he'll probably never talk to me ever again anyway, just because he probably hates me in the first place...but still.

DD:

If he ever found out it was me, I would say this: I am so so so so sorry. I never meant any of it. I said it out of anger, and none of it is true. I know this might not be enough for you to forgive me, but I had to say it anyway. I hope we can still be friends, but really, I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to.

And, to make matters worse, I've had a painfully long week, and I turned down a sleepover with a good friend at last minute, just because I was tired.

DDD:

Double guilt isn't fun, kids. Don't try it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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So hard.}
Tuesday, June 3, 2008 | 8:31 PM | 0Comment

I'm so sick of this.

Everything. The horrible feeling I get when I think of how he's treated me in the past, and then how he's treating me now. He acts like we're not even friends.
I hate how every time he talks about other girls looks in front of me, I turn into a jealous wreck. But he does that on purpose.
Does he want me to hate him?

As cliche as it sounds, I hate that I love him.
I can't get him out of my head, and it drives me crazy.
Why can't I get over this?

darn him.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Sense of Familiarity.}
Sunday, June 1, 2008 | 12:18 PM | 0Comment

So, Internet, I added him.


I finally mustered up enough courage to do it.
I even sent him a semi-flirty comment.

Ricky Bobbyyyy!
:0
how are you? all Amish and everything(that's an inside joke, by the way. i have nothing wrong with Amish people, they're actually quite cool. :]])?
:]]

I thought maybe if it were flirty, it would stand out to him more and he would want to reply more.

Well guess what?

He didn't even reply. He didn't bother. And you know why I know that? A blond, sluttier looking, and prettier girl commented him right after me, and he continued to talk with her. He saw mine, but he didn't even bother to reply.

After all this time I've been crying over him, missing him like crazy and longing to talk to him, I finally have the chance to...and he ignores me?

Correct me if I'm wrong, Internet, but that night on graduation, did I imagine what happened? Was it really all a dream, because...I could have sworn there was something there. I could have sworn that maybe, just maybe, he could have liked me back. But even if he did, even for a second, he would have replied at least eventually.

...Do I disgust him that much??



Internet, I feel like crap again. I feel that same sense of familiar rejection like I had felt dozens of times before.
I sometimes wonder why I even bother. I wonder if he knows what this does to me every time he does something like this. To anybody else, they would just shrug and go on with life without any remorse. For me...it kills me slowly every time. It kills me to think that I would do anything to see him again, and he has moved on from his old life carelessly, without any second thought.

Is this all I'm doomed to, this pain of unrequited love?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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