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triumphs and complications.}
Thursday, February 4, 2016 | 7:30 PM | 0Comment

Hoo boy, Internet.

I got some updates for you, and of course some more trademark Hopeless Romantic rantings. Buckle up.

What should I update you on first? Well, since technically my blog is a dating blog, why don't I start with what y'all really want to hear about: Amad.

So, after I wrote my last entry, I waited for his next move, aka setting up when we would figure out a set day and everything. No move came, except for some more likes from him on Instagram here and there. And so I kept waiting. And I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

And I spiraled further into madness.

Two weeks had officially passed since the initial asking out, and two solid weeks of radio silence followed. Two weeks where I had basically overthought every possible thing and dug myself into a hole that I sat at the bottom of and thought about how he was totally not into me and I had misunderstood his asking out entirely or that he had been into me but something I did made him totally uninterested again and it was my fault and GAME OVER. (Holy run-on sentence Batman.)

I had basically overthought myself into an actual funk, a terrible mood that lasted for two days, and it did not feel nice. So after digging myself out of this hole/funk, and feeling somewhat decently again, I decided to do a Bold Thing.

Said Bold Thing is something that I rarely do with guys I am interested in: initiating conversation first when we have never ever had an actual real conversation before.

Doing this Bold Thing was so intimidating for me, for a couple of reasons.

  1. In my mind, he had already rejected me once. I'm talking about when he first gave me his number and I sent him a text after many a deliberation and angsting and he totally blew me off. Yes, in my mind, this is a rejection. Yes, I know it was a relatively small action, but to me it seemed blunt: he'd changed his mind. He had no real interest in getting to know me, and had no interest in talking.
  2. Because of my long streak in middle school and high school of never* having any guys that I liked liking me back, I developed a very strong fear of rejection. In developing this strong fear, I basically overcompensated with either never** telling guys I liked that I liked them or avoiding every possible situation of developing serious feelings.
(*with maybe the exception of R*cky B*bby when he moved back in the 11th grade, to be honest, I'm still very iffy on this.)
(**with the exception of Phil, which ended up being mistaken feelings anyway and I will regret it until I'm 97.)

I've talked about this here before. For me, when it comes to guys, avoiding = safe. A guy's too attractive? Avoid at all costs. A guy's showing interest in me? Avoid avoid avoid. A guy's trying to talk to me? Definitely avoid.

Of course that would leave me with no options and a completely dead love life for years, but I liked it that way. Things were simple. Uncomplicated. Safe. Worry-free.

So, in summary: for me, sticking my neck out and actually risking being vulnerable and hurt if Amad rejected me a second time?

It filled me with terror down to my very bones.

It took a few of my anti-anxiety remedies so that I wouldn't have a panic attack, and giving myself a lengthy pep talk...but in the end, I typed out my message to him (Something to the effect of, "Hey. Are we still on for that lunch? I figured if we're gonna meet, we should probably at least talk to eachother? Haha."), swallowed my terror, and sent it.



Internet. You know what happened?

He replied 15 minutes later.

ALL THAT SELF TORTURE, ALL THAT WORRYING. FOR NOTHING. GAH. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT YOU GUYS.

It turns out, that first text I sent him? He never actually got it. And he thought I was ignoring him.

Omg. The entire rejection was completely in my head. All that overanalyzing and mental gymnastics over a misunderstanding. Story of my life.

Amad being interested in me was the very least of my worries, because y'all...he is definitely interested in me. Most definitely.

After the initial lunch-asking-out, he's asked me out 2 more times. One was to hang out at his brother's house (which I of course said no to because it was 10pm and I was in my pajamas and warm bed and was eating Cheez-Its and tbh I wondered for a moment if he was joking), and another was to have dinner at his family's restaurant (which I said no to because I had literally just finished eating dinner with my family, but that I might have to take him up on that sometime, because between you and me his family's restaurant is actually really successful and I've wanted to eat there since before I even knew who Amad was).

Fast forward to now: our city just had a huuuuuuge snowstorm hit, and we're pretty much buried in snow and ice right now, which again makes meeting up for that lunch impossible. But we're both definitely interested in meeting still, so I have a feeling we'll find a way to soon. Which you will hear about if it happens. Gulp.



But like I said: him being interested in me is the least of my worries. Because there's some bad news, which I found out during our first conversation.

Amad is moving out of state. To the west coast. At the end of February, aka in less than a month.

Now first of all, let's get this out of the way, I know what you're thinking. This makes it the 3rd time a guy I'm somewhat interested in is moving halfway across the country.

What is with this? Is it me? Am I just inexplicably, instinctively only drawn to guys who are moving away and I'll probably never see again? Do I just have the worst luck with potential romances in the entire world?

So, yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. When he told me that, my heart sunk. Part disappointment, part relief because to be honest, I had just been waiting for something to be wrong. So now that I knew what was wrong, it took some of the edge off.

I've been thinking about it ever since, even during some of our other conversations, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.

Here's the thing, Internet. Amad is very attractive. Very, very attractive. He's smart, socially aware, driven, artistic, loves his family more than anything else, and dresses REALLY well (not to mention his hair is possibly the best hair I have ever seen in my life point blank). And I am more attracted to him than I have been attracted to anybody in a long, long time. Not since R*cky B*bby have I felt this attracted to someone's personality and looks all wrapped up together like this.

I remember just a year ago today that I was thinking I would never be drawn to anyone else like that. But with Amad? I have the same feeling. I haven't met him in person yet, so yes there's a possibility that I'm 100% wrong and it was just an illusion. But I have this need to meet him so badly. So badly. I never want to meet someone right away like this. To be honest, it scares me a little.



The logical part of me knows that this can't end well, in endless different ways. The biggest one being that he's moving 500 miles away in 3 weeks.

Let's think about all the possible outcomes here.

Even if we meet, we could have a terrible first date, one that I would look back on cringing for years. But what if it went extremely well? So what? Would we date casually for 2 more weeks and then he'd peace out and move and we'd never talk again? Would I even be able to do that without getting too attached in the first place?

Considering I never even dated R*cky B*bby, my feelings were 1 sided, and I was miserable for months after he moved, I don't think I could. When I develop feelings for someone, I develop them hard and quick. When I developed feelings for RB, they swept me off of my feet so quickly, I didn't know what had hit me. It was also completely out of my control. So I wouldn't be able to keep myself from developing feelings, and it would all end in my heartbreak.

Say things between us went amazingly, and we decided to have a long distance thing. How well could that possibly turn out? He would be the first boyfriend I've ever had, and I've never had a boyfriend that even lived here. 

How would I be able to handle my first relationship with someone that lived 500 miles away from me, and one that was weeks old to boot? It would be impossible. I would go insane.

His moving to the west coast isn't temporary, either. He's moving there to pursue his dream, acting and filmmaking. He even told me he's been working hard and saving up money for months. This move would likely be permanent, aside from visits home to see his family, who all live here.

And considering my financial situation at this time, I don't foresee me being able to visit him out there. I have friends who live there, and I've never been able to visit them, either. All because of money issues. There would be phone calls, texts, and Skyping--but how long would it take for those to become tedious and not enough for either of us?

All of this would be so unrealistic. It's about a 1000 times more complicated than a relationship would be if he weren't moving and we still lived on the same side of town, i.e. a normal one. And a normal relationship in itself would be complicated enough already (because of work for the both of us, money for me, my social anxiety, my lack of license and car).

Why would I get involved with this and make everything needlessly complicated and painful for myself?

Honestly, I wonder how people even make relationships work at all. To me, they seem like the most complicated thing to achieve. It's no wonder how I've never been in one at age 22. With all of these complications flying around, how would it even be possible for me?

After this much thought, Internet, I'm not sure I should follow through with meeting him.

Honestly, it makes me wish I had met him months and months ago. So that I had gotten enough time to get to know him and hang out with him before he had to move. Because when he moves at the end of this month, it'll be too late.

I keep thinking about our first conversation over text. We were talking about what we wanted to achieve, and who we wanted to be. I told him about my dreams of being a published author (which he was impressed by), and he told me about his dreams of being an accomplished filmmaker.

I asked him how long he'd been interested in filmmaking, and he told me he'd been making his own films for 7 years. I was impressed, and I told him that I bet he'll kick ass once he breaks into the industry.

And he said, "We both will."

Boom. Chills. Everywhere.

I don't know why that's been resonating with me so much. Maybe because so many people that I meet brush off my dreams as if they're simple, or not impressive enough. Or they look down on me, as if they doubt that I'm smart enough to write.

So when someone, even someone that I've never met before, tells me that they believe that I can do it...it gets to me. Goes straight through me to my soul. And I've never talked to a guy that seemed genuinely supportive of my dreams before. Ever.

I shouldn't let that one sentence get to me so much, but it did. And it still is.

Internet, I'm conflicted.

On the one hand, I want to be logical and think things through. I want to protect myself and save myself the trouble and complications.

On the other hand...I'm tired of always walking away from situations that seem too messy, or complicated, or hard. I'm tired of looking back and regretting letting people and opportunities go. I'm tired of regrets, period. This other part of me wants to let go of my fears for once in my life and just go for it, see where the cards fall and go with the flow, consequences be damned.

Amad is someone special, I really feel it. Do I really want to pass this up and take the easy way out just because it might be hard?



Sigh. I always have wanted guys that are unattainable.

In other (better) news: FIRST SITTING JOB. THIS WEEKEND.

Yes, Internet, that's right. This weekend I officially start my career as a dog sitter with my first client, a cute year and a half old black lab named Sally. Yay!!

Her owners are going on a skiing trip. So this weekend will be full of playing with Sally, watching Sally, and juggling Sally and my dog at the same time. Wish me luck!

I'll update soon and let you guys know how it goes. And I'll also offer an update on the Amad situation...sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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