♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Normalcy.}
Friday, February 26, 2010 | 8:19 AM | 0Comment


Hey, Internet!

So after my eventful Valentine's day, things are slowly going back to normal. Well, sort of. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Whatever that thing was between me and Jack, which was pretty much nothing, it's back to before now. We talk and have boring normal conversations again, mostly no flirting involved. Every once in a while, he calls me gorgeous, but I just take the compliment and change the subject. He's one of those people that are naturally flirty towards everybody, so I don't think anything of it anymore.

Besides, he talks to another girl from his school that I can tell he likes. He sends her flirty messages and love lyrics and songs. (I follow her too, but she followed me first! And besides, it was before I knew they knew eachother, so it doesn't count as creeper-ish.) But whenever he does, she usually jokes it off or changes the subject. It's surprising to me that she could so easily resist his advances, but hey, maybe that's why he likes her. You know what they say about girls that play hard to get.

So, for me, everything's back to normal again. I'm glad, because I was seriously starting to question my sanity.
As for Best friend Rose, her and her freshman are still together. A girl from school told me that they're together all the time. Like one of those couples that are somehow unable to function without the other there, the ones that you see in public that cling to eachother as they walk. But, as long as they're happy, right?

My other best friend, Jazz (I never talk about her on here! I'm not sure why. Maybe its because Rose always has all the boy troubles) tells me that its almost gross how much they're together. Even though he's a freshman and she's a sophomore, they seem to find a way around that.

Speaking of Jazz, remember Johnny? Well if me and Johnny are close friends, Jazz and Johnny are peas in a pod. They have the closest boy girl best friend friendship I've ever seen. The three of us always hung out in school last year, and we had the best times. But out of the three of us, Jazz and Johnny were definitely closer than Johnny and I were.

Notice how I say were? Well...somehow, in the time that I've been gone, Jazz and Johnny's friendship turned into something more. Yup, they're dating.

I can't say I wasn't surprised, I was. when Jazz called me to tell me, I spent an entire five minutes freaking out. I was shocked. But then again...as I sat and thought about it...I wasn't that surprised. Boys and girls that are that close of friends have to be romantically linked at some point. It's just an unwritten rule, it always seems to happen.

But I'm so happy for them. Johnny always seems to go through girls like tissues, but Jazz isn't his usual type at all. Maybe he's changed.

And I'm not so wary of Jazz's relationships. Jazz has only gone out with one person, and they were together for about six months. She takes relationships seriously(as does Rosie, actually), and even though she's only 15, she's much more mature than one would expect. I always forget that she's slightly younger than me, I have to remind myself that she is. It's never bothered me, though.

Anyway, so, for the most part, everything's back to normal. And since I've been working on a huge research paper for school lately, I'm glad it's been normal. Normal I can handle, normal is nice. Normal doesn't stress me out.

I'll keep you updated, folks!

xo Hopeless Romantic

PS: I fixed the playlist! And sorry about the header, it's only temporary. I have the old one back soon. ♥

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Single Awareness Day.}
Monday, February 15, 2010 | 9:32 AM | 0Comment


Ahh. Valentine's Day. My mortal enemy.


Curse you St. Valentine.


I have so much to tell, Internet. Where to start? To make things make more sense, I think I'll start with a few days before Valentines Day, aka, a few days ago.

The day after I wrote the last entry, I was talking to Jack. He had taken a Twitter break the day before, and I was way too excited when he logged on again. Way. Too. Excited. Heart pounding, giggling, the works. I swear, I almost had to slap myself in the face to calm myself.

I had included him in my Follow Friday, and I knew he would thank me for it, since he always does. He also included me in a special Valentine's day tweet, reading:

"( my username here) (Jordan's username here) ( His chick best friend's username here) They have me suicidal! lol FOLLOW THEM. ♥ "

I was both surprised and shocked to see my username first, considering he flirts with Jordan like mad, and him and his best friend are really close. But, I thought, most likely just a coincidence. I had to stop reading into things. So, I reply:
"Don't be suicidal, silly head. And thanks for the FF! :D"

And he says:
"lol Well you're just too gorgeous, you know? Making me go crazy this Valentine's Day :D lol"

And then I proceed to have some sort of seizure. Yes, he put 'lol' twice and he said it in a joking manner, but to me at this moment, these two sentences somehow translate into something like "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME RIGHT NOW."

After my freak out, I reply, "Hahaha awww thats the sweetest thing I've heard all week. ♥ ♥ Thank you, darlin!"

Yes, I said darlin'. Slap me right now.
Then he said, "Haha, i was just listening to Beautiful Girls and I was like, I'm gonna make my FF special for certain people. :) For V-Day!"

I couldn't concentrate. He thought I was gorgeous?
I agonized over what to say for my next reply, "Aw, thats a sweet idea! I should've done that. Or I would have done one for my Valentine, but I don't have one. D:" 'Cause, you know, saying that doesn't sound desperate or obvious at all.

I assumed he would just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' But instead, he said, "lol I don't got one either... [scoots over to you] [nudges you] How YOU doin'? ;)"

I giggled like a crazy person and then said, "Hahaha. Well, if you don't have a valentine...and I don't have a valentine...hmm. Funny how that works out. ;D"
Was that flirty? I don't know. I thought it was, but while typing it out again just now, it just sounds lame.

And then, being cute as he is, he said, "Well then uh... [clears throat] Sarah, will you do me the great honor of being my first Twitter Valentine? :D"

Unable to possibly contain my excitement, I say, "Hahah I'd be honored! ♥ "

Something comes up, and he has to leave quickly, so he says, "AHH g2g! (my username here) I'll be on later! Sorry, lol. Well continue this later...:D" I quickly say bye, and then I sit there, reading all of our tweets again. I couldn't allow myself to get so overly excited. It was a stupid, meaningless, internet thing. It meant nothing to him, so it was nothing to me....Or not.

I couldn't help myself. I was floating on a cloud the rest of the night.

The next day, he logged on bright and early, and I slept in. I wanted to kick myself in the face for missing him, but when I saw that he announced on his twitter to everyone that I was his Twitter Valentine, I was happy again.

We didn't talk that much that day, because I ended up writing the entire day (remember the manuscript of the novel I wanted to write? My inspiration came back!). And when we did...well. Trust me when I say it's not worth talking about here. Haha. Just boring, casual conversation.
Also, Best Friend Rose slept over, and we talked about this whole thing. She agrees with me when I say I'm going insane , as she should.

Then, the next morning, I log onto Twitter with this tweet from him. "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY MY SWEETS :D"

This one message made my day so much brighter. I'm not going to lie, I melted. Deceivingly so, but I'll get to that in a second. I replied, "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Sorry I missed you, darlin!"

To which he replied, "It's all right, darrlin. :) How are you today? :D"

Me and Jack talked on and off all day, and I spent the whole day with Rose. We went to her house in the morning, and then me, her, her older sister (let's call her Laura) and her mom went to go pick up her new guy, Jake. This was my first time meeting Jake, considering he goes to school with her. He's a freshman, and he's surprisingly tall, 6'4, or something. He was actually pretty nice, so I didn't have to play the hostile best friend card.

Anyway, we all went bowling, along with Rose's other sister, and lets call her Ashley. She's much older than Laura, and has a 9 year old son, and let's call him Adam. I love that kid. I suck at bowling, badly, but it was really fun. Whenever Rose and Jake would hug or kiss or anything of that nature, though, I found myself looking away, and I didn't know why.

Even after we took Jake home, and after hearing Rose gush about him and their first kiss, and even while being at the movie theatre to go see 'Valentine's Day' and seeing every couple in the freaking world surrounding us, I kept up my happy ignorance. The movie was very cute, and I wanted to enjoy it. I could just pretend it was any other day.

It wasn't until after I got home at 9 at night and after Jack had to log off of Twitter that the loneliness kicked in.

I put my hair up in a messy ponytail, took my makeup off, put my sweats on, got a buttload of chocolate, put on a sappy movie, and then I cried.

It had been something lurking inside of me the entire day, something that usually keeps me company during Valentine's Day, and somehow, it hardly felt like V-day without it. Towards the end of the day, I had begun to wonder why I didn't cried at all that day. Turns out I'm very good at lying to myself. I thought seeing all the couples and everything didn't really bother me. But turns out, it did.

So I cried. I cried for a good hour, thinking about how single I was and how I was almost seventeen and out of all of my friends, I was the only one who had never had a boyfriend their entire life. And I have quite a few friends.

During this mopey time, I thought all the normal things a single person that mopes usually thinks. 'Why did I bother getting so excited over Jack? He doesn't care about me. It was all fake, and I knew that.' 'Is there something wrong with me? There must be, or someone would want me.' 'Am I not pretty enough?' 'Am I too this? Am I too that?' 'I'm so pathetic.' 'My friends always have boyfriends.' 'No one ever likes me.' 'Why is it never me?'

And then I finally stopped. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm smart, and I suppose, all around decent. There was no reason for me to think like that.

And I remembered how I told myself that I don't have time for a relationship right now. When I love someone, I love them with my entire being.

Everything that happened with Ricky Bobby two years ago wasn't real love. He was my first unrequited love, yes, but it wasn't the kind of love where someone loves you back. That was just a peek of how it would be. If I find someone who loved me with that same kind of intense love that I felt for them...I can't even imagine how it will be. My every thought, my every second of every day, my world will revolve around them, that much I know.

And now just isn't the right time for that. I have things to focus on. I have school, my friends, my family, my future. And a relationship would be a huge distraction from all of that.

So last night, I decided something. No more crying over this. This would be the last time I cried over loneliness as a teenager. I promised myself that. I'm strong, and if I can handle my dad going to jail for something he didn't do (he's back and everything's okay now, but that was a very hard time), my house being foreclosed, and my only grandpa dying all in these past two years, I can handle being single.

I already have been single my entire life, so why should it make a difference now? Of course, I know that if I do eventually get in a relationship, I'll probably cry about different things then. It's understandable.

But, I swear on everything, last night will be the last night I cry over being single.

My life won't start when I finally get a boyfriend. My life, as is, is right here, right now. I'm not going to walk around like a zombie, waiting for my life to start again. I need to live it.

I hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day. Despite the last part of it, mine was surprisingly good. Maybe I should actually stop dreading every Valentine's Day and make it memorable, like this one was. This will definitely be one I remember.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Damn future and its damn technology advances.}
Tuesday, February 9, 2010 | 9:10 PM | 0Comment


Internet. What is happening to me?

I'm, surprisingly, not talking about my online school this time. That's going surprisingly well. I'm all caught up, and I switched from Japanese to German (my Japanese teacher always went insane with the homework load. Actually, I just think she was insane herself). And I have all A's and B's. Not bad, not bad at all.

But that's not what I'm talking about. No, no. That was completely normal. This, though...oh God, I've lost it. I really have.

Something that I promised myself when I started online school was that I would not- I repeat, will not resort to internet boys to deal with my loneliness. Not only is that completely pathetic, but it's wrong to use an innocent little internet boy to quench my social thirst.

Don't get me wrong, Internet, there's nothing wrong with your boys. I'm sure they're normal and very charming (well...some of them.). But me, a lonely teenage girl desperate for human contact, should NOT take advantage of the availability of an 'internet romance'.

Really. Internet dating is for old, desperate people who can't meet people in real life. Honestly. eHarmony is becoming the equivalent of being a cat lady. Or, who knows, maybe there's a lot of cat ladies on eHarmony. I wouldn't know!

A teenage girl should have PLENTY of chances to find love in everyday life.

...But I don't.

I should have known this would happen. And I am ashamed down to my core that I've let myself fall into this.

So, Internet, here's the story. I have a Twitter account. And I have about 300 followers (wooo, go me. I'm social. : ) . And I can admit, I've tried to make up for some of my social depravity for talking to people on Twitter. I've actually made a few close friends there, friends my age, and that makes me feel a lot better about being a hermit.

And, a few weeks ago, a friend of one of my Twitter friends followed me. I always follow back on Twitter, because I'm nice like that. After I follow them back, I notice, hey. Hot guy. But I don't think much of it at all. Yeah yeah, a hot guy on the internet. That's not news. I even ignored him when he tweeted me (yeah, kind of prudish. I think I was in a bad mood that day anyway).

But then, on a better day, he sent me another tweet. I replied, and we talked for like, fifteen minutes. Just a normal, casual, short conversation. He was nice, I decided.

But I had plenty of nice friends on Twitter, so, not a big deal. We started talking more often. Again, not a big deal. I talk to people on Twitter way too much, it's addictive.

But then, one of my other Twitter friends, really cool chick by the way, follows him after I mention him in a Follow Friday. Then they start talking, and she starts flirting. I can't help but notice. And I think this was finally when I started to notice his appeal. Okay, he was really hot. And -get this- he isn't a douche bag! Shock, right?!

So when he starts to flirt back with her, I start to feel..........jealous.

I know!! So ridiculous! I'm banging my head on the keyboard for just admitting this embarrassing piece of information!!

But I mean, who wouldn't be jealous of a girl that a guy that awesome is flirting with? Come on! Back me up here! He's nice, funny, slightly older than me, mature, gorgeous, and CANADIAN.

...The fact that he's Canadian doesn't really have to do with anything, I just felt compelled to add that.

And so I start to talk to him more, by no complete fault of my own, by the way. Sometimes I talk to him first, but it's usually him that talks to me first! I can't just bring our conversation to a screeching halt, going, "SORRY, I have to stop talking to you now, because the fact that I may be somehow developing a completely ridiculous impossible internet crush on you is freaking me out a little bit. GOODBYE."

But here's the thing. Cool twitter friend chick (let's just call her Jordan) is talking to and getting to know hot internet guy too (let's call him Jack). And a lot quicker and more effective than me.

See, Jordan's a good flirt. Lord knows I couldn't even flirt with a brick wall. It makes me all nervous and squirmy AND, unlike gorgeous and witty heroines in books and movies, I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I always avoid talking to boys on Instant Messaging, because it takes me a thousand years to come up with something remotely flirty and or clever. I honestly wouldn't blame him if he ended up liking her back, because I know she likes him. It's so obvious.

And I've thought about this over and over again. I've screamed in my mind to "stop this right now, it's stupid to get caught up in internet drama." "He's just a stupid boy from the internet. What are you hoping for? Hoping that he'll want to start an internet relationship with you and hoping it will go further than that? At all? He lives in Canada for God's sake, he doesn't give a crap about a random internet girl he talks to sometimes. He has girls in front of him, all around him all the time that he can choose from. He has a life. Don't be so stupid, Sarah."

I've thought this to myself over and over and over again, even sometimes saying it out loud to burn it into my memory.

But Jordan and Jack are getting closer and closer every day, constant flirting and banter, and even some meaningful, deep conversations. And it's slowly starting to bug me more.

Sure, me and Jack are still talking everyday as well. There are tiny moments when I think he could possibly be flirting with me, but then again, I know nothing about boys in the first place. Maybe calling your close girl friends 'hun' is a normal, everyday occurrence. Maybe it's even patronizing, because he's 18 and I'm 16.
But our conversations aren't meaningful. They're fun, sure, and he's easy to talk to, but I just don't know where to start. You can't force a connection.

Did I mention that Jordan is only 14?! 14, dammit! Shouldn't I have the better advantage, here?!

But I've decided to back off a little. This is bordering on crazy. I'm not going to play tug of war over a guy from the internet with a 14 year old. It's ridiculous. I'm stopping this before it begins.

I'm not going to put myself in this vulnerable position again. I'll just end up the one being hurt, no matter what the outcome, so this ends now. Jordan and Jack can have their little internet romance, and I won't stand in their way.

Meanwhile, I'll be over here, in this corner, questioning my sanity. Anyone know a good therapist?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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