"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."
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Friday, November 18, 2011 | 6:11 PM | 0Comment
Before I start, putting this off was the worst idea ever. Ever. My memory of it would have been slightly lacking even a few days later, but this is ridiculous. But, believe it or not, procrastinating has been my number one hobby lately. It's getting bad, honestly.
So the day Jazz was to come over, recall that she sent me a text in the morning asking if I'd be home. I replied yes, and why was she asking? She simply replied that she was coming over so we could talk. (Said. Not asked. Which would be fine with me, normally, if it weren't for the situation we were currently in, which made it sort of weird.)
So what could I say? No? I was the one who wanted to talk in the first place, so of course I said yes.
I asked if she could come by a little later, though (considering I'd just woken up and was not currently in the mood to have a deep, even friendship changing conversation. In fact, in the morning, I'm not up to any form of conversation that asks of me more than 5 words/grunts.).
At first, she asked me why she couldn't just come by right then, and I told her I was busy that morning, which was actually true because I had a few things I had to do, including a homework assignment that day and had wanted to do it earlier in the day anyhow. And at first she seemed resistant, but I stood my ground because I had stuff to do.
And to be honest, it was sort of rude of her to just assume I could move all of my previous plans for the day aside just so I could talk to her. As much as I wanted to talk this through, I wasn't going to get rid of my plans for the day just for her.
So in the end, she finally said she could come later. Right after that, I texted Best Friend Rose and told her (and we talked about how out of the blue this was) and came right onto here to tell you guys.
As much as it bewildered me, part of me was relieved because now all of this could be done and over with soon. On the other hand, I hate confrontation, so I was nervous.
After I finished my homework assignment (and if you're wondering, yes, people in online school still get homework, especially in AP classes), I went to wash my hair because it really needed it and also I didn't want to look/smell like a zoo animal when Jazz came over. So I jumped in the shower to wash it, and an hour and a half later I got out. (OKAY. In my defense, I deep condition it every time I wash it, so that's the only reason it took so long! And while the deep conditioner is in, I get out of the shower for a while, and then get back in later to rinse it out, so it's not like I look like a pruny wrinkly 90 year old woman when I finish, haha. JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.)
While I was combing my hair and putting on lotion and all that, I heard noises outside the bathroom door. I assumed it was just my mom doing something or my dog messing around, but lo and behold I get a knock on my door, followed by my mom yelling to me that Jazz was there.
Which sucked, actually, because not only was she way early but I had also gone in there without a change of clothes.
Unsure of what to do, I decided to finish detangling my hair first, because if I waited until later, my hair would be one giant tumbleweed. About 15 minutes later, though, I was already finished, and still all taken off guard.
I was so nervous, Internet. To be honest, I didn't know what I'd expect on the other side of that door. I didn't know if this would be awkward, if she would act stiff and cold towards me, I didn't know how this would go. At all. And it was scary.
But finally, I turned the door knob and went into my room...
...Only to find it empty. Hah.
I went over to my parent's room and asked Mom if Jazz was still there, and she said that Jazz had told her that she had to go run some errands and that she'd come back soon.
Surprised, but relieved, I went back into my room and took that time to change into some fresh clothes. When I glanced at my phone, I saw these texts from Jazz.
"I'll be back at 3:45 ish" and "Sry I just need to run a few errands and I didnt wanna rush u. I tried to say bye but you couldn't hear me"
So I replied and said it was fine, and that I'd see her at 3:45. I got something to eat and listened to some music to calm my nerves a little, and before I knew it, 3:45 rolled around, and she was freakishly on time.
As soon as she got back, my mom let her in, and she came straight upstairs to my room. I'd left the door open, so she just walked in. I tried to feign nonchalance and look up casually from my laptop.
"Hi," I said, my tone even.
"Hey," she said, though she stared at the floor. She seemed really uncomfortable, but that reassured me somehow. "So, let's talk about this."
"Yeah," I said. She started to sit on my bed, but I had purposely clear the clutter in my chair for her to sit in, so I gestured over to the chair openly and tried to say, "Have a seat?" lightly, but somehow instead it sounded like something a campy super villain says to the person entering their lair while stroking a hairless cat. I mentally face-palmed.
She went to go sit down in the chair wordlessly, and started. "Okay. Well, I feel like you have alot you want to say, so go ahead."
I shook my head slowly and shrugged. "No, not really. I've already told you everything I wanted to say in that message, so no." I wonder what she expected me to say. That I hope someone would shave her head in her sleep, or that she would get a flat tire? I really felt like she thought I was more angry than I really was.
She seemed surprised, but nodded.
Now, DAMMIT, this is where my memory starts to fail, because I can't remember the specifics of the conversation anymore.
But basically, at this point she told me that she wishes that I would've said something from the very beginning that something was bothering me, so she could've done something about it, and I definitely agreed with her. I wished I had too, because then I don't think I would've been so angry about it. But the reason I had waited so long to talk to her about everything was because I was afraid it would all blow up, which in a way, it did. I told her that, and she didn't say anything really, just nodded.
So then we talked about I just felt like she stopped caring about me as a friend, and that I was hurt when she stopped hanging out with me and talking to me on a regular basis. She said she had no idea that I felt that way, absolutely none, and that she feels bad about that.
We talked about how I didn't like how she thought of me as a recluse, because my life was different now. I told her how different it was, in fact. I told her how I was healthier now, because I get to eat healthier and actually exercise; something I never did when I was in brick and mortar (sorry, homeschooler term, lulz.).
And I told her how actually being healthier made me happier, and that I have countless hobbies and tons of awesome things that I never got to do before. I told her that yes, I do actually leave the house on a normal basis now, believe it or not, and that Sophomore year was just a exceptionally bad year for me. (Bad to the point where my mom thinks that I may have even had depression for a little bit, something that only got better when I actually started being part of life and enjoying it again.)
Talking about this made me so overwhelmed that I started crying, because I wanted her to know how happy I was. That school was great for me academically, but personally, leaving that school was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I didn't tell her this, but just thinking of how back then despite getting to see my friends, I still dreaded going to school everyday, made me overwhelmed. I made some great friends at that school, and I could never regret that, but I was afraid of everyone else.
Afraid of what they thought of me. Afraid what they thought of what I said, what I wore, what my hair looked like.
I would have never admitted it, but my self esteem was absolutely non-existent. And I tried so hard to make everyone like me. I needed everyone to like me. Everyone at that freaking private school held my entire self-worth, and it terrified me, turned me into this empty shell of a person.
Leaving that school has given me such strength, such confidence that I've never had before, and she just doesn't get it. She thinks leaving that school took away my life, but instead it gave me one.
So I was telling her how happy I was now, all while bawling my eyes out, which probably told her otherwise, but oh well. Because I poured my heart out. So, if she didn't believe me then, then maybe she'll never believe me.
Anyway, after I calmed down, we talked about how we need to communicate more/better. I told her that no talking for 3 months straight is a hell no, because it tripped me out, and I thought she didn't even want to talk to me anymore.
She said she doesn't do it on purpose, just gets busy, but said she'll work on it. She also told me to remind her when she's being distant, and I said I would.
We also talked about how she totally supports my writing and my ambition to be published, and doesn't know where I got that she was skeptical about it. I admitted that on my part, I might have added that in the heat of the moment without really thinking about it first.
Next we talked about how she stopped telling me about her life, and how it made me feel closed off from her and shut out of her life in general. She said she stopped telling me stuff because she felt like she was making me sad with stories from school.
I told her she shouldn't assume that I didn't want to hear about, that of course I did because I was her friend and that I would have wanted know if she had a freakin' hangnail, and that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to protect my feelings. I also added that I stopped telling her stuff because since she stopped telling me stuff, I just assumed she didn't want to talk about our lives anymore, or that I wasn't welcome to anymore.
She admitted she should have, and then we both promised to stop assuming things about each other, because it obviously doesn't lead to good things. We even laughed about it.
Shortly after that, she had to leave (something about football practice, since she's the football manager) and so we hugged (briefly) and as she left we were both left with a positive feeling.
So since then, things have been a little better. Not perfect, or necessarily good, but better. We've talked twice, both were pretty good conversations, and she invited me to the movies tonight, but unfortunately I couldn't go because of being busy and exhaustion (long story). It's not back to the way it was yet, and I don't expect it to be soon, but it'll get there eventually.
WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, though, I learned something quite interesting about Jazz from Best Friend Rose yesterday. Actually, two.
1. She fought with another very close friend of hers, just last week. I was pretty close with him too when I still went to their school. Turns out he sent her a message, and essentially said the same exact thing I told her in mine: that he felt like she was making no effort to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Crazy, right? I don't know if maybe seeing me confront her gave him the courage to confront her too, but who knows. He asked if they could talk about it, and talk things through. However, things didn't exactly go as well as things did between her and I. Apparently the two met for coffee, and as they started talking, things were going well at first, but by the end Jazz was screaming at him that he was accusing her of things that were unwarranted and stormed out of the coffee shop. He was adamant that he didn't know how things went so badly, and it really shook him. Rosie said he looked like he'd been crying when he told her. He even said he never wanted to talk to her again. I wasn't there myself, but from what I've heard about it all, he did not deserve that. All I know is, if this is the second time in a row this has happened to Jazz in the past few months. Hopefully she'll start to get it soon, but I'm starting to get the feeling she probably won't.
2. Apparently Jazz chews. Which is a pretty nasty habit to begin with, but on top of that, the Jazz I knew looked down on even cigarette smokes. She was that person that would cringe at people standing outside restaurants smoking. She was also that person that, in fact, scolded Johnny endlessly for smoking cigarettes. She called him an idiot daily for smoking. And that's exactly why it bothers me. It's not even the fact alone that she's chewing, even though it is a disgusting habit. It's just the fact that she used to insult and demonize smokers left and right, and then turns right around and starts chewing, when she insisted time and time again that she would never smoke or use drugs or anything of that nature. It's hypocritical, and it's not the Jazz I knew. At all.
I don't know what will happen with Jazz, but at this point I'm not even sure I want to know. As much as I want to be close with Jazz again, I'm not even sure I know her anymore.
But I won't jump to any conclusions yet. I'll give it some time. We'll see.
xo Hopeless Romantic
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 | 6:33 PM | 0Comment
...No, really! It's me! I'm here!
Oh my god, Internet. I can't believe it's taken me this long to update. After the Jazz thing, I got so busy and kept putting off the entry further and further until HERE WE ARE. And I'm mentally kicking myself in the face for putting it off for so long because now it'll be even harder to remember the conversation Jazz and I had when she came here. GAH.
But, I swear. I will post it soon. In fact, I'm aiming for Friday, because right now I'm going to wash my hair and go to bed early and tomorrow will be super busy.
Friday, however, I will have the entire day off (self granted, of course) and I will be free, so I will have no reason to put it off anymore. For you, Internet, I will write my Jazz entry instead of finishing Coffee Prince. Full of rants and obnoxious commentary, just like always. That's love, man. That's how much I love you. CLINGY HUG.
Also, right now I'm getting to your emails! I haven't checked my email in forever, and I so appreciate the emails you guys send me! I'm replying to them as I speak, pinky swear!
See you Friday!
xo Hopeless Romantic
ps. Remind me not to use Google Chrome while writing entries anymore. Chrome seems to hate Blogger and its posts' formatting, and I keep having to go back and edit them using Firefox. Huh.