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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Ironic Blog-A-Versary, I must say.}
Sunday, May 30, 2010 | 6:20 PM | 0Comment

Internet! Guess what?

Last Saturday was my 2 year blog anniversary, and I didn't even realize it! Happy blog-a-versary to me! It's almost hard to believe.

Two years since I started this blog with a fifteen year old broken heart.

Two years since Ricky Bobby moved away and left me in the cold.

Two years of boy drama and ups and downs of life.

So much has happened, and it's only been two years. I've changed a lot the past two years. I looked back at all of my old entries, and even my blogging style has changed. (The old entries...so...much...chat speak. Chokecough.) I thought I was so cool. You know, I have much more fun blogging when I'm my sometimes-insecure, weird, chatty self. It took me a while to warm up to you, Internet, but I'm glad I finally made it.

Not only is this my blog-a-versary entry, but this is also my 50th blog entry!

50 blog entries are hard to believe, too. I started this blog, half expecting to abandon it or forget about it after the second or third entry. I also never expected anyone to ever read it or find it, or even if they did find it, I never thought anyone could relate to my entries or even care.

I keep thinking about who I would be if I never started this blog. If I never made this blog as a product of a broken heart, what would I have done? This place is where I come to vent. I put all of my most precious thoughts and secret fears on here. When I was in my darkest place, I felt like I could empty every emotion into an entry so that I wouldn't break. This blog is my security blanket.

And recently, with my alone time as an online school student, I poured out even more emotions, and I told you things I hadn't even told my best friends. Writing a long entry helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions, and it has helped me figure out who I really am.

I have quite a few more years in me, so let's hope my blog lasts just as long.

And to you, Internet, I say the most genuine and sincere thank you I can possibly muster over typed word.

Without those of you that have read my entries and left me heartfelt comments (especially you, Sapphire! You're one of my very first readers, and I don't know what I'd do without your insightful comments!), I don't think I would have had the motivation some days to write anything at all. (But look at those page views! There's no way I have that many, that has to be some sort of glitch!!) You all are beautiful, and you inspire me so much. I could never ever thank you enough. I can only hope that I can inspire you, too.

So hey, you're probably wondering why the name of this entry is 'Ironic Blog-A-Versary'. Hah. Well.

Since the last entry, I finally put myself out of that misery and added Ricky Bobby on Facebook. I decided that it wasn't worth agonizing over, and that a friend request is just a friend request. After an impromptu sent friend request (and one sleepless night and a whole day of a nervous, upset stomach), it was accepted. I had no idea why I'd even worried in the first place. It all seems so stupid now.

So after he accepted the friend request, I was careful to stay off the computer for a little while to resist anymore Facebook snooping. Unfortunately, that was a fail, and I ended up getting on Facebook anyway and (curiously, I told myself) proceeding to go through all of his pictures (seeing if he was still photogenic is all), a great deal of his wall posts(looking for people I knew that talked to him recently?), and his favorite music (since I had forgotten what bands he was into). JUST out of curiosity. Mhmm. That's all. Yup.

And while I went through his wall posts, I saw one from late last month that was interesting. Actually, interesting isn't the word for it. I probably should have used "nightmarish", or "crappy, and made your Hopeless Romantic so overwhelmed with shock and unease that she almost made herself sick". Yeah, those would be more appropriate.

Right there, on his wall, from April 25th, is "moving june 16th!!".

Exactly what I feared, right there on that Facebook wall. And even though seeing it confirmed was shocking, inside, I kind of felt like I knew it all along.

But even if I had known it, it wouldn't have eased the shock. A wave of dread settled over me, and it still hasn't left. That date has branded itself into my brain, into the inside of my eyelids. It feels like doomsday for me.

I do know for sure that he's going to a different school when he comes back here, but I don't think that will make much of a difference for me. We have the same groups of friends. Johnny is one of my best friends, and he was Ricky Bobby's best friend when he lived here. There's no way I can avoid him.

Hah. After my two year blog-a-versary and on my 50th blog entry for the blog I made in the first place because Ricky Bobby broke my heart when he moved away, I find out that he's moving back.

Wow. Soak in that irony, folks.

Seventeen days. Here we go again.

xo Hopeless Romantic

PS: If you didn't notice, I got the old banner back! I missed it.

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Behind Enemy Lines.}
Monday, May 24, 2010 | 6:36 PM | 0Comment

Internet, I missed you. Sorry, this is gonna be a long one.

I just finished finals week last Friday. I studied my butt off for all of them, and I did pretty awesome, if I say so myself. (Funny how last year this time, I would've been content with anything better than an F on Finals, and this year I made sure I got anything higher than a C. A lot can happen in a year.)

It's still hard for me to believe that I'm done with my Sophomore year, just like that. I had some highs and lows, mostly in first semester, but for the most part, it went by pretty fast. Probably because I didn't have to deal with the daily drama and boy drama constantly. Not to say I didn't miss that sometimes, though. But hey, at least I lived it vicariously through my friend's drama. That way's easier to deal with, anyway.

I'm so relieved it's summertime. There had been so many things on my mind lately, and it was starting to distract me from school. Plus, waking up in the morning was beginning to get old. Heck, it had already been old by the time Spring Break came. But, when I think about it, it feels like just yesterday, summer was coming to an end and all of my friends were talking about their first day of school.

I don't feel proud admitting this, but it feels like I've been watching the entire world from my bedroom window these past 9 months. Looking back over these past few months, all I can remember is watching the sun rise in the morning and fall in the evening, watching the leaves fall off the trees and watching the first snow, then watching the snow melt and the leaves return. I briefly remember blips of things that were different, like Trick or Treating with my baby cousin on Halloween, or making my hair curly for Christmas, or walking to the park near my house with Jazz only on one occasion.

You learn a lot about yourself when you're alone all the time, and sometimes you'll learn redeeming qualities, and other times you'll learn annoying ones. I'm grateful for that part. But at the same time, I feel like while I was learning enriching things, I was missing out on others.

This summer, my parents have promised to sign me up for driving school (along with another Geometry semester I might have to take over the summer, long story) and take me driving, so I can eventually get my license. Let's hope that they'll keep this promise, Internet.

Also, when Best Friend Rose and Jazz get out of school at the end of this week, I'm sure my first few weeks of summer will be swamped. This weekend, I'm already going to Rose's sisters graduation and graduation party, not the one with the kid, but the one who's a senior. What's her nickname again? Laura, I think.

And me and Jazz already planned to have a sleepover as soon as we're both out, and we're both going to dye our hair in celebration of summer (Jazz blue, me purple!). And I plan on walking more places this summer, too. I've been working on being healthier lately, like eating less junk and actually exercising. Just because I can't drive yet doesn't mean I can't leave the house. Walking places won't kill me.

So, here's to a fantastic, amazing summer. And here's to you, Internet, for listening to my anonymous problems and tolerating me.

BUT WAIT. Before I end this entry: remember the whole Ricky Bobby spiel I was going on about last entry?! (Which, by the way, I forgot to mention that the picture I used with that entry isn't him. It's Alex Gaskarth, the lead singer of All Time Low. Sorry! If it were him, though, I would've at least blurred his face or something. Hahaha.)

Okay. Well, the past month, my mind has been CHAOS. My thoughts have been something like this: "Finals, finals, test, essay, finals...hair...Ricky Bobby moving back...no, don't think about that...finals, k-pop bands, finals...Ricky Bobby's band--NO...tests, study, study...hair, exercise...RICKY BOBBY...NO, STOP...HAIR FINALS STUDY AHHHHH."

I've been trying to keep the whole thing about Ricky Bobby from bothering me, but it so is. I just can't stop thinking about it. And with my wild imagination, I keep thinking of all these annoying scenarios, too.

It sucks. A lot. And it's happening too much. I'm starting to think that I'm losing it. I really am. Seriously.

It's not that I specifically want to be with him or anything (like I kind of said last entry). No, not at all. Again, still liking him after he moved away 2 years ago would be super creepy. Especially since we haven't actually spoken in about a year now.

But I just can't stop thinking about what would happen. Would it be this awkward, expectant reunion where we're both just waiting for each other to do something? Would we both ignore each other, pretending none of it ever happened? Would he avoid me and not want to be around me because of this notion that mysteriously appeared in my mind that he thinks I'm some sort of stalker (yeah, not sure where this one came from. Paranoid?). Would he welcome me with one of his bear hugs and ask me how I've been? There was another ridiculous scenario that I thought up, but I'll do you a favor and keep it to myself. It's a bit out there, in the cheesy romance novel range.

And I may or may not have been semi-hovering over his Facebook page since I found it...what? Oh come on, Internet. You know me. I've been agonizing over whether or not I should add him as a friend. After all, I'm almost positive that sometime early last year, I had sent him a friend request, and if said request was sent, then it would have to have been denied, obviously, because we're not friends now.

SO, if he rejected my friend request, I shouldn't send another one, right? I mean, since he rejected it in the first place, that means he'll just reject it again, right?? And why put myself through that again, right???

I mean, I could be just imagining the whole thing, and I didn't even send one last year in the first place, and I could be just freaking myself out over nothing.
But, I happened to notice that my friend Kelly is a mutual friend of ours on Facebook. Kelly(not her real name)!! She came to the school after he left! So there's no way he could possibly know her!! So, you're telling me that he'll be Facebook friends--which is not even a big deal--with Kelly, a few other kids from my school he's never met, a Korean exchange student, AND his ex with whom he's not even on good terms with right now, but not with me?? What the hell is up with that?? Huh? HUH???!?!?!?

....ahem. Well. You see my point, then.

This is exactly why I'm losing my mind over this. You guys know me. I over analyze and think too much and get myself into these messes. This is not a big deal. At all. It's Facebook, it's nothing. A rejected friend request is nothing.

So why does it seem to sting so much? The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. The reason of why it shouldn't be a big deal is what pisses me off so much. It's a friend request. It shouldn't be a big deal. So, if it's so meaningless, why did he reject it? If he adds everyone from his old school and his new school on Facebook, plus the kids that go to his old school that he's never even met, why was I the only one he rejected? It's like a slap in the face.

I feel like I'm in eighth grade again, and he's seemingly toying with me and pulling me behind him by my strings just to push me over the edge of a cliff, turning out in the end that he was completely oblivious that I was even dragging behind him.

With the summer comes better weather, and better weather means I can go outside more often. I think leaving the house will free my thoughts a little more, and hopefully this will pass soon. Hopefully all this was just a product of end-of-the-school year-antsy-ness and boredom.

Right now, I just need to enjoy the start of my summer and get away from these thoughts, they're dragging me down.

Here's to the summer ahead,

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Stupid Musicians.}
Friday, May 7, 2010 | 5:54 PM | 0Comment

Okay, Internet.

I know I swore to stop talking about Ricky Bobby on here (or did I not? maybe it was just a subconscious swearing?), but I have some news about him. I think you'll find it just as interesting as I found it. (Don't know who he is? Click on the 'Ricky Bobby' tag at the bottom of this entry, then scroll down to my very first entry from May 2008. And then for the breakdown and emotional roller coaster that followed, refer to every entry after that one. He's pretty frequent on here, considering he's the whole reason I started this blog.)

And hey, give me some credit. I haven't talked about him here since July. That's pretty good, I think! So, hah!

Anyway. So, onto the news. Jazz was over at my house, say, two weeks ago (I know, I've been holding out on you since then. I'm sorry!). We talked about lots of stuff, like we usually do, and out of the BLUE, Jazz says, "Hey, I heard Ricky Bobby is moving back this year."

As she said this, I was drinking a Vitamin Water, and proceeded to practically inhale my entire gulp. After a terrifying drawn-out coughing fit, I then stare at Jazz.

She stares back and says, "So...I'm guessing you haven't heard about this yet?"

That was the last thing I expected to hear from Jazz. In fact, that was the last thing I expected to hear from anybody. Ever.

She tells me that Ricky Bobby and Johnny had talked about it a few weeks back, and that not only might he move back, but he also might come back to our school (or their school. Whatever. I still always call it my school, it still feels like mine).

This is so...so inexplicably shocking to me.

Of course, it's not written in stone, yet. There's still a chance that he won't come back. But I never even expected him to want to come back.

So after she tells me everything, I change the subject, not wanting to remain too heavy on him for the conversation. Didn't want her to start thinking things, you know. But after she leaves, I log onto Facebook. This would normally be the time when I check my MySpace too, but I deleted it because 1. MySpace is clearly dying, and 2. I'd had it since 2005. Way too long. Plus, nobody logs on anymore.

So when I check my Facebook, I go to visit Johnny's page because I see that he has a new picture. By the way, did I mention everything's cool with him now? Yeah, everything's fine now. Anyway, I go to his page AND guess what I see. No really, guess. I'll wait.

Yup. Right smack dab on Johnny's wall is a comment from Ricky Bobby. Since I had recently learned that news about him, when I saw his name right there in front of me, I nearly had an aneurysm. I didn't know he even had a Facebook.

Against my better judgement, curiosity got to me, and I click on his page. Luckily for my sensible side, it's set to semi-private. Unluckily for my curious and easily distracted side, his display picture is ginormous, and I can't look away from it.

Damn. Damn damn damn. Why can't I look away? WELL, let me tell you why, Internet. In his display picture, he's on a stage, long, flippy, shiny hair and broad shoulders and all, holding a guitar, and crooning into a microphone Alex Gaskarth style. There were also other band members behind him.

Aneurysm #2. Kay. First off, I didn't even know that he could sing at all. Although, after pondering it a while later, I recalled a time when a girl named Katie mentioned that he could sing. But I guess I forgot about that.

Second off, I didn't even know he could play guitar. He'd told me once that he was learning, but I didn't know he was good enough to play in a band.

Third, band. He's in a BAND. The LEAD SINGER of a band. A band that has actual GIGS.

This is where you picture me dropping to my knees melodramatically and screaming to the heavens, "WHYYY?!"

And that's not even the WORST PART. That curious side got to me again, damn her, and I went to his band's music MySpace. I get to the page, and with a triumphant smirk and crossed arms, I think to myself, 'Well, whatever. Just because he's in a band doesn't mean they're any good. They probably suck pretty bad. Most teenage garage bands suck.'

Imagine my grave discontent and disappointment when I find out that they're AMAZING.

Their sound is like a mix between The Doors, Capra, and maybe a touch of Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the only way I could describe Ricky Bobby's voice is a mix between Jack Johnson and Michael Buble. (Aneurysm #3) I hardly recognized Ricky Bobby's voice at first, because his voice changed in Pennsylvania. It's much deeper now. A little raspy/smoky sounding. But it still has that laid back, leisurely quality to it.

...DAMN.

Don't you fret, though, Internet. No re-crushes are happening here, nope, no way no how. Not on my watch. Besides, after just about two years of him being gone, that would be just a tad bit stalkerish.

But, I'll give him credit. If sexy voices could kill, I would've been dead already.

But please OH please, let me have good karma. Please let Ricky Bobby be much happier in Pennsylvania with his band and his rock star life, let him change his mind about moving back.

I'm not bitter about him anymore-- really, I'm not-- but I have an inkling that if he moved back, some of those feelings would start to come back. Whether it would be the bitter feelings or the crush ones, I'm not sure. It would probably be both.

So, PLEASE, Internet. Let's all hope that Ricky Bobby doesn't move back, for my sake. Because if he does, I might actually lose it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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