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halloween xxii: the return of jacob (the nightmare).}
Monday, October 24, 2016 | 9:29 PM | 2Comment



Internet. I'm back. And boy, do I have an update for you.

Let's just say that this update is up there right next to Phil for 'WTF'ness.

Gather 'round, kids. LET'S GET SPOOKY.



So, needless to say, when I had written my last entry about Jacob, I was 1000% done with him.

But, here's the thing that didn't make it into the last entry: A few weeks after we'd stopped talking, something happened. Now, I had made the unfortunate decision not to unfollow him on Instagram. Truth be told, I don't think I wanted to give up looking at his selfies. He was still really hot, unfortunately.

But he hadn't unfollowed me either (unlike Amad--dude unfollowed me some time after he had moved. I mean, I get it, but ouch.), so I didn't see the harm in it really. And it's not like I ever liked his pictures anymore anyway--but this bad decision would come back to haunt me. I'll get back to that in a sec.

So what happened was, because of Instagram's handy (read: horrible) function that shows you whatever activity those you follow do on the app, from likes to comments, I saw something I definitely hadn't wanted to see, even if I were purposely looking for it.

Lo and behold, there Jacob was, very publicly wooing another Instagram girl with tons of followers.

It was the whole nine yards: likes, heart emojis and heart EYE emojis along with thirsty comments on all her selfies, everything. I went to her feed to look at her pics.

She was gorgeous, truly. I wasn't salty towards her about it. Jacob was the one coming at her full force with super concentrated interest as he had done with me, which was what had drawn me to him in the first place. I thought it was weird that he was pursing her so shamelessly, firstly because she lived 7 states away. Really, though, she was super out of his league. And she seemed to know this too, considering she barely responded to any of his borderline creepy comments.

Anyway, I mean, not to be dramatic, but after this, figuratively he was pretty much dead to me. He did not exist to me anymore, basically.



So after this happened I moved on with my life, and I didn't give him another thought.

That is, not until two weeks ago. Hoo, boy.

So the day before The Incident, I'd had an eventful day in which I'd worn a really cute outfit. Of course I documented it with some cute selfies, because duh. And I felt pretty good about those pictures, too. All my friends liked them, and all was good.

Until the next morning.

The next morning, not only do I wake to unpleasantly find that Shark Week had come almost an entire week early, but it got worse. I check my phone after taking some OTC painkillers, and wow, look at that!

An Instagram DM from Jacob sent at three o'clock in the morning.

Yep, Internet. Jacob slid into my DMs.

Just the sight of the notification on my phone is enough to send me into a blind rage. Jacob had the audacity to slide into my DMs after 4 months of not speaking? Literally right after I posted some cute selfies? What??? WHAT?!?!? WAS HE FOR REAL?????

I was OUTRAGED. What could make him possibly think I wanted to speak to him again?

After calming down a little bit, I finally got the courage to open up the message. And then my rage lit up all over again.

What do I see first? A...picture of a flower.

Let me reiterate, Internet.

A.

 Picture.

 Of.

 A.

 Flower.

 That.

Was.

 My.

 Favorite.

 Color.

 In.

 His.

 Hand.

Ha.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA



Picture that I was laughing in hysterical, manic fury, just like Nic Cage up there. Because that's what happened.

A picture of a flower? Really? Really?

That was the best he had? The best he had for blowing me off the way that he did? The best he had for the way he had disrespected me and then lied right to my face afterwards?

A PICTURE. OF A FLOWER.

There was more to the message, you guys. But it's been nearly two full weeks since this happened and I still can't believe the audacity of that PICTURE.

I mean..........at least it wasn't a d*ck pic, right? That's really the only worst thing I can think of that could've happened instead. But still. Wow.

So after the picture of a flower, he sent me this long paragraph which I will paraphrase for the sake of ease:

"Hey Sarah! So, it's been a while. I know we haven't talked in a while, but I kind of went through some stuff over the summer. I was hoping that we could pick things back up where they were before. I think you're an amazing person, and I'd love it if we could hang out sometime soon. *winking emoji*"

Yeah...........yeah.

Yeah.



He went there. I mean he really went there.

You know what's HILARIOUS, Internet? I had actually predicted this happening.

The moment I had seen Jacob pursuing that Instagram girl, I knew she would reject him hard and he'd come crawling back to me. I told all of my friends as such. And look what happened. Exactly what I said.

So now we have the next phase of the story: my reaction.

All of my friends and I had a good laugh over all of this. Then, they helped me deal with it. The first solution we decided on was to simply ignore him and leave his message on read.

I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted to curse him out, call him every name in the book. Send him insulting ironic memes. I WANTED TO DO IT ALL. But as one of my friends so artfully pointed out, sometimes having your sincerity ignored is the biggest punch in the face of all. (After all, I would really know about that, wouldn't I?)

So I ignored him. And the rest of that day, the situation seemed to have ended. But no. Ohhhh no. The fuckery was just beginning.

The next day when I wake up, I have another Instagram DM notification from none other than Jacob again.

What did it say? Just a lone heart emoji. The red one.



Okay. Weird. Who sends someone a heart emoji to someone ignoring them? This guy, apparently.

Time for another solution, my friend and I decided. It was time to be petty. It was time for a subpost.

Now, usually I'd say I'm above these tactics. Subposts are immature, for sure. But I had to get this guy off my back, and ignoring him clearly wasn't cutting it.

After I had opened up the heart emoji DM, just to get rid of the notification really, I got another message half an hour later. This one was even creepier.

"I'm serious, you know!"

Wow. Ominous. I don't know if it was because of his insistence, or the slightly pushy tone of his 3rd consecutive DM, but at this point I was seriously getting uncomfortable.

Also at this point, I was SO glad I hadn't told Jacob where I lived.

Luke was the one who had driven me home, and to this day to me remains a model example of Guys Who Are Dateable (even if I didn't have feelings for him myself, I still seriously respect how he treated me before, during, and after our date. Just a good guy all around. He'll make some girl out there super happy).

Thankfully I had gotten rides to and from the Starbucks Jacob and I had met at. And I'm so glad that I had insisted on getting my own ride, because Jacob had even offered to pick me up from my house and drive me home. I'm so glad my own carefulness paid off.

Internet, without a doubt, if Jacob had known where my house was, he would've showed up here. 100% he would have. And when I realized this, I was even more creeped out. (Actually, that night, I had a nightmare where he showed up at my front door. No joke.)


(Mike? Is that you? Are you actually Jacob?)

So I finally hurried up and chose a suitably shady meme to post to my Instagram where he could see, complete with Queen Bey Lemonade lyrics for the caption, because of course.

But literally AS I WAS GETTING READY TO POST IT, he messaged me another heart emoji. THE THIRD ONE. Okay! Really freaked out now! Supremely freaked out!

I post the damn meme before he can send me anything else. All my friends like it, fully supporting my call out of this utter creep. And then...crickets. Finally, the DMs end. For a few hours there's peace.

And then, hours later, he likes it. HE LIKED THE SHADY POST ABOUT HIM.

I'm just thinking ok, it must be sarcastic. It must mean he knows it's about him and now he's going to leave me alone. I go to his page and unfollow him. That's obvious enough, right? He'll understand that, and it'll be the end of it for good.

Right? RIGHT???

Haha. Nope.

The next day, I post another random, unrelated picture. He likes it.


I don't know if he was just too daft to get that I was rejecting him, or if he was choosing to ignore it altogether to continue to try to woo me again, but enough was enough.

Alright, I decide. That's it. No more of this. I block him. And finally, FINALLY, that is the end of things.

I'M FREE.

This whole thing was so absurd. This was 'Phil texting me on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in 6 months to tell me that he's in love with me and then chickening out of it 30 minutes later' LEVELS OF ABSURD. And I didn't think anything could match that!! (7 years later and that whole thing still pisses me off.)

Not only was this laughable, and outrageous, and creepy, and transparent, and a whole bunch of other things. But man...it's just plain sad.

I can't believe I thought Jacob was hot. I can't believe I was ever attracted to him. On his Instagram bio, he said he's 'Forever Single'. Um. Gee. I wonder how.

I mean, I've always been single too. And it wasn't always by choice, but it sure as hell is by choice now that I've been out in the dating world and gaped in horror at my choices. (Exaggeration, but you get me.) But Jacob...he's desperate. He's a 26 year old man and he acts this way with women. Lusts after them when he's lonely like they're objects. Like a teenaged boy. And it's pathetic. Truly pathetic.

Gross. Grooooooss. I can't believe I ever compared him to Andy Sixx. What an insult.

Anyway. So yeah, Internet. There it was. My creepy true Halloween story. Did it spook you? Yeah? Me too.

But it looks like the nightmare is over for good now.


As for my actual Halloween plans this year, it looks like I may be marathoning creepy movies with one of my baby cousins (who turned 15 this year...wtf? Wasn't she 12 like two seconds ago?) on All Hallows Eve. Still don't know what my costume's gonna be, though.

Maybe I'll go as an old brief flame raising from the dead to show up unprovoked, sliding into your DMs. Ooooh. Scary.

And for my plans after Halloween, I plan on participating in NaNoWriMo again this year, as well as diving headfirst into Xmas movies and Xmas music to fully avoid the rest of this hell-on-Earth election.

Ugh. Can't wait.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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