There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet, this entry is one of the biggest reasons why I'm glad this blog is anonymous. And it's not even about me.

I've felt this entry was in order for a long time now (after all, I mentioned this in passing in...September 2010? Yeah. That long ago.), but I couldn't bring myself to write about it for a while because it's just...not a terribly happy topic. And I feel like I need to have some tact while talking about this.

Fiddy. Remember him? No? It's okay, he's from a loooooong time ago. Check out these for reference: These and this and these also. Also, excuse the obnoxiousness of those entries. I thought I was hot shit. Pfft. And look at how many times I mention Myspace! Myspace! Bahaha!

SO. Basically, when I left my old school Sophomore year, it turned out that Fiddy left the school too, along with a few of his friends.
He transferred to a public school, and may I mention, a state-wide renowned public school, known far and wide for its high-quality, Ivy-League education, and also.......its infamous drug problem. Funny how those often go hand in hand. At least in my state.

So, he transfers to this school, and I'm just starting out my online school experience, and so I don't hear anything about him for a while, except for this thing where he calls Jessica Simpson one night, drunk and crying, telling her that he's madly in love with her and always has been (which, of course, blows over and is forgotten about between them within a week.)

But then. BUT THEN. By the end of the school year, there comes news that blows my socks off, causes pigs to fly, causes hell to freeze over, and causes the space time continum to rip in half.

Fiddy has an STD. And he's gotten a girl he's just started seeing, Michelle*, PREGNANT.

Mind you, Fiddy was only 16 at the time, and this news came directly from Fiddy himself, to Jessica Simpson, who directly told Best Friend Rose, who directly told me. This was no through-the-grapevine-rumor-conceived-of-boredom.

Shit got real.

To this day, I don't know which STD he'd gotten, but I feel like if it were something as serious as HIV or AIDS this story would have been much more tragic (although it isn't exactly all rainbows and kittens as it is). But, an STD is an STD. And that blows. A lot.

And not to mention the STD, but the pregnancy as well. Michelle was 18 at the time of conception, I believe, which is obviously slightly better than some 15 year old still in High School, but it's still a blow.

You know, the first thing I thought of when I heard it was Michelle that got pregnant was that she was my fourth grade buddy.

I remember in the first grade, we had gotten fourth grade buddies assigned to us at the beginning of the year. We'd gotten fifth grade buddies the year before, but since the fifth graders went off to the sixth grade after that, it didn't last long.

I remember her being assigned to me and thinking that she was the nicest, coolest girl ever. She was always kind to me, and whenever I saw her, I would run to give her a hug. Sometimes I'd see her in passing, and she would be by herself, tailing behind others in her class, or sitting with one other friend. I'm not sure if this is a real memory, or something my mind conjured up, but I'm almost certain that I once saw her sitting by herself, on the playground or elsewhere, crying.

Years later, in the sixth grade, somewhere at the beginning of the year, I happened to see her and her friends in the middle school building, because they had all come back down from the High School to say hi to some of their younger friends and their old teachers. I distinctly remember being shocked by her appearance, something that happened often that year, because I was still getting used to middle school and how everyone seemed to change into different people that year. I hadn't seen her in a long time. She was a lot slimmer, and she had on the fashionable clothes that I saw the other older, popular girls wear, like clothes from the mall. Everyone seemed to want to talk to her, or knew her somehow.

Once I got the chance to walk up to her with a group of friends I was with, I noticed she hadn't really noticed me there. After a minute or two, during a lull in the conversation, I ask Michelle directly, "Do you remember me?"

As I speak to her, she glances over at me blankly. "No," she says. "Sorry, I don't." And then she turns to one of the friends I'm with, who she clearly remembers, to change the subject.

I don't know why, but this fills me with such an immense disappointment and humilation that I don't say anything more. In fact, whenver I see her around after that day, I go to great lengths to avoid her.

As disappointing as this was to be treated like I didn't exist when we were pretty close for a while when we were younger, I think in a way I understand. To me, Michelle always seemed like someone who didn't like to approach her demons, and maybe in a way I was inadvertedly part of that nasty past that she didn't want to remember. Or maybe she just simply forgot about me. Either way, I still sort of get it.

Anyway. I think this is why the news hit me so hard.

This wasn't one of the spoiled rotten teen moms on MTV that I, and apparently a good portion of America, have no problem watching for entertainment value. I have to admit it, before I heard about this news, I watched 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom and what have you every week. But ever since then, I haven't been able to bring myself to watch those shows anymore.

It was like reality came and falcon kicked me in the face. This wasn't MTV. This wasn't the quirky light-heartedness of Juno (which, by the way, is still one of my favorite movies) brought to life. This was people I know, grew up with, went to school with, dealing with this.

I think to think of it in any other way would be petty. I know people that heard this news and said things like 'it had to have happened to Fiddy eventually' and 'that's what Michelle gets for being a slut' and even got great enjoyment out of it. And that sickens me.

And it makes me feel bad for watching those teen moms on television and not feeling any sympathy for them. Because how is that different from those people who ridiculed Fiddy and Michelle? It's not different at all. As fake as reality TV can be sometimes, they're still real people too.

Even if I don't know those girls, I have no right to mock them for their mistakes. It makes me no better than those others. And even if Fiddy and Michelle weren't my friends, or even particularly people I like, I can still feel sympathy for them. And those that didn't, at all? Well. They're nobody that I want to associate with.

Yes, they made a mistake. But that gives no one else the right to ridicule them for it and rub it in their face.

By now, Michelle has had their baby, and they're actually still together and very happy. Their baby is adorable, and healthy.

And I actually have so much respect for Fiddy because he stepped up to the plate and stayed with his son and his girlfriend, even with faced with something like that while he's still a teenager. From what I've heard, he's a great dad, and he's still finishing High School this year.

Honestly, who could think of a better way of handling a situation like this? It could have gone badly in any number of ways, and instead, they're happy. And that's beautiful.

I won't lie, it feels sort of weird blogging so extensively about two other people that aren't even my friends, but I guess I wanted to because I want someone--anyone--out there to hear this story and to know that teenage pregancy exists, and it's important to confront it instead of ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist only in the next town over, it doesn't happen only to certain kinds of people, it exists, period.

Fiddy's and Michelle's lives have changed for good now, and there will always be those people that will love to never let them live this down, but from the bottom of my heart, I hope they'll always remember that despite everything else, they have their precious baby boy.

And I really, really hope they'll continue to be happy.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Working on getting pictures on these entries! Sorry!)

Labels: fiddy, past stuff, stuff not about me lol

LAST ONE TODAY, I promise.

SO. College.

I haven't written about this subject in a while, and the reason is basically because I've hardly been able to stand to think about it. Senior year is crazy, truly. Nothing like the movies. But I've pretty much 100% decided on which college I'm going to in town. 2-year community.

My plan is: Go to the 2-year community college, and then after those two years, transfer to a University. I know I lot of people say that they're going to to that, and then they never do, but that's definitely 100% my plan. And this is why.

1. No dorms to mess with. I don't want to live in a dorm. I know that's a regular part of college life, but, just. No. I don't. I can't. I'm an only child, I've always had my own personal, private space, and to live in a huge dorm with a bunch of people I don't know? No. HELL no. I hardly even boded well with cabins at summer camp as a kid. Also, community bathrooms period. At my old school, I was the kid who had to change in the single stall bathroom in the locker room for gym because I didn't want to change in front of other girls. And it wasn't because I didn't like how my body looked, or whatever. I just didn't even want them to see me in my underwear. So. Just.....no.

2. I'll be dipping my feet rather than just jumping in all at once. I'm aware that being homeschooled has kind of made me unused to being around kids my age everyday. I admit, that is something I miss, just having that sense of community all the time (even if everyone hates each other secretly, as messed up as that sounds). However, after some time of thought, I don't think going away to some huge University right after high school is ideal for me. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I think thought would bring me a lot of unecessary distress. Going to a new school with thousands of new people around me, complete strangers, and not having the option to go home if I need to escape for a little while. I would just have my dorm room, but then I'll have a roomate, whom I also don't know. I wouldn't get to call my family or my friends about it, unless it was over the phone or Skype, but that's not the same. I've just been at home so consistently for so long now that suddenly jumping out of it into something else completely different would be traumitizing for me. I've always hated change, and honestly, I think this is a change I need to go about gently. I'll drive to my classes daily, still living in the comforts of my home, without having to live on campus. Also, I don't need to worry about living costs, finding food or money for food, and all the other worries that most college students go through on top of school.

3. I did some research, and it turns out that at least half of the professors that teach at this community college also teach at a big local state university. So, essentially, I'd be getting the same quality education for a better price and much less trauma. Awesome.

4. Can also take classes part time, if I want. And if I take classes part time, then I get to do other stuff, like hopefully a job. If someone will hire me. If I finally get my license so I can drive to said job. If I get my learners permit renewed because it expired two weeks ago. Cough. I know I can also do this at a University, but I feel that there's less pressure at a community college.

5. I can find a managable escape from high school. I like online school. Really, I do. And I wouldn't change or take back these past three years for nothing, because I learned a lot about myself, and I changed for the better. But they've also been both heaven and hell for me. I can start to feel myself waning now, not like the life is draining out of me or anything, but I just feel myself getting not as motivated anymore. It's not that I don't want to do school anymore, I do, but it's getting harder and harder to force myself to do it. It's probably just the Senoritis talking, but still, I feel like I've been doing this for a thousand years now, and my steam is running out. I just know that after this, I'll never set foot toward online classes again.

I still really appreciate what online school has done for me, and the way I've grown the past few years, but seeming as my parents didn't have much--if any--knowledge about homeschooling before signing me up for this, it wasn't handled well by any of us.
Perhaps if I'd known more about it before I started, or I was more prepared, and them as well, it would have gone better. But it wasn't handled well, and I've pretty much stumbled through all three years of this. From the very beginning, starting three weeks late into the school year, it just never went as smoothly as I would've liked.

I'm glad that my private school education sort of prepared me for the workload that I've needed to take on once I--inevitably--get behind in my schoolwork, but after this, I just can't do it anymore. I can't. These days I feel like my sanity is hanging from a string. This is why a university's workload and stress isn't even close to an option to me right now, and online college would literally drive me to drop out or lose my mind. I swear.

So, community college is the best option for me right now. In two years, I feel I'll be ready for a university then. But as for now, the idea of a community college just gives me...peace. I don't feel sick thinking about it, I don't feel anxious or scared. I'm excited. This is what I want. And for those who don't agree with my choice, they can kiss my ass.

Of course, those close to me who I've told are all cool with it, and they're glad I made this decision for myself, and that it makes me happy. I'm glad I don't associate with snobs. Now to just finish this school year in one piece.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: college, senior year, senioritis

By the way, the guy I was talking to on OKCupid before? The one that works in the Air Force? (We'll call him Air Force.) Yeah, finally logged on and read his message. He gave me his number. It went something to the effect of:

So, we've been talking for a while now. It's sort of tedious to keep
logging on here, so want my number?
Too bad. Have it.
(Enter number here.)

Kind of hot, actually. Some might see it as forceful, but I find it hot. But...here's the thing. Sooooo busy right now. And honestly, I knew this was coming eventually. With Drew, this same exact thing happened. We talked for about two weeks on OKC messages, and then Drew asked for my number, and we started texting. Pretty much saw this one coming. Which is why I haven't texted him.

Air Force is nice. Really, he is. He's quite cool. We have some hobbies in common, and he's nice to talk to. But I have no time to think about dating right now. None. And I know if I text him, I'm going to want to text him all the time, just like Drew. And then texting all the time leads to hopes getting up, and getting closer, and then a date being planned. And then, if all goes well, dating. And if not, then disappointment and it will have just been a giant waste of time that I needed to have in the first place to focus on my last month of school.

Cannot. Date. Right. Now.

You can see I've thought alot about this. Oh. I have. And I kind of feel bad for not texting him, because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, and I really appreciate it and I'm totally flattered. And this has nothing to do with him, because if I were in a better place in my life right now, I'd totally go for him. Totally. But I just cannot afford to right now.

Also, this is kind of beside the point, but lately I've found another obsession to add to my growing list of things that I do in my spare time (which is increasingly less these days). Astrology.

Okay. I'm not one of those people that religiously believe in it and reads their horoscope every morning and stuff. Really. 98.99% of the time, it's just for fun. And 98.99% of the time I'll read things that are supposed to be about the characteristics of Aries and I'm like 'lolwut' because it's like the polar opposite of how I am and it's funny.

But something I like to read about are compatibility stuff. A lot of it is bologna, but then every once in a while, I'll read something that's so accurate I stop and go 'whoa.' Like, for instance, I'm Aries, a fire sign, and all of the fire signs understand each other and get along really well. Rosie's a Leo, another fire sign. And romantically, the fire signs are supposed to have an instant connection, drawn together like soul mates almost. Drew was a Saggittarius, the other fire sign. And Air Force is one too.

Weird, right? A coincedence, but still weird.

But it sort of pisses me off and makes me laugh at the same time because Aries and Saggittarius are suppose to be like, made for each other. And while Drew and I got along, we were nowhere near perfect for eachother.
It makes me wonder if there are people out there that date people just because of their 'sign', and go with someone they believe to be compatible with them only to turn out disappointed like I was.

At the same time, though, there were some things I read about how Saggittarius men are supposed to act, and some of the things I saw, like highly athletic, friendly to everyone, aloof and independent, doesn't really like to talk about emotions, was scarily accurate. Also weird.

So even though I don't believe in these things as 100% absolute fact, some things like that still kind of freak me out with their accuracy.

I'm not gonna lie, part of me wonders if that's another reason why I don't want to take a chance on Air Force right now. They're two completely different people, but at the time, Drew seemed like someone I'd been able to see myself with, too. And the last thing I need is to experience that whole mess twice.

Also got a message from another guy on there recently. He messaged first, saying, "You know who you remind me of?" and I said, "Haha. Who?" And then he said, "An extremely gorgeous girl."

Vomit. Haha, just kidding. I mean, it was sweet, it was. But I was suspicious as soon as I saw it. He's 19, and from the looks of his pictures, very attractive. A Leo. What was the catch? I go to his profile. Oh, there's the catch. He has a kid. A two year old kid. At age 19. With a girl he's no longer with, whom he decided to call a bitch publicly on his profile.

Welp. This is why I don't even bother with guys my age, lol. I wonder if he was on 16 and pregnant?

In other news, Best Friend Rose met a guy on OKC. Up until now, she hadn't really taken it seriously. She mostly made it so we could read each other weird/pervy messages we'd gotten and laugh at them.

But I guess about a month and a half ago, she started talking to his guy on there. Before she knew it, they couldn't stop talking, and soon they exchanged Facebook URLs and numbers, and they were texting nonstop. So about two weeks ago, they met up for coffee. And it went AMAZINGLY.
They talked forever, got along great, and planned their next date. She said he even bought her coffee for her, opened doors for her, and pulled out her chair for her. Waaaah. SO cute. But she really really likes him, and I'm so glad she's found somebody like this, especially during this time in her life. I haven't met him yet, but I'm sure with the way things are going, I'll get to soon.

Also, I'm glad that she met him on OKC, of all places. I haven't had such luck with it, but I'm glad she has. Maybe online dating isn't worthless after all? Maybe just for me? Hahaha.

Also also, I'm supposed to be doing Stats, but I'm stalling right now. Big time. I just have so much on my mind!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: air force, drew, okcupid

So, I got my hair done on Friday, Internet. First hair appointment since Uncle's death.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was still pretty hard. When I first showed up, it occured to me that it was the first time I was seeing Auntie since I saw her from a distance at the funeral. I still have that picture of her in my mind; frail and thin and her face drawn, her two oldest kids holding her up on each side, as if she couldn't stand up without them.
I never got to say anything to her then, I was too afraid I'd say something wrong.

So at the beginning of the appointment, I asked her how she was doing, which I realize she's probably tired of hearing by now, but it was the polite thing to do. And then I told her that she means a lot to me, and that I'd always thought of her as part of my family. Then she said thank you, and that her and Uncle had always felt that way about me and my parents. And then she started to cry, and I started to cry, so we had to change the subject.

But we talked about a lot of stuff during those few hours, and honestly, I'd never felt closer to her than in that moment. We both miss Uncle, and he'll never ever be replaced, but I'd like to think that he would be happy with us learning to go on without him, especially Auntie. They were very deeply in love.
Those two are some of the few people that have made me believe that true love really exists, that it's not just a foolish myth or a fairy tale.

Auntie's still trying to stay strong, but if there's anyone in this world that I know would make it through this in one piece, it would be her.

So yes, hard, but it was still okay. The shop had gotten some renovations done since the last time I'd been there, and it looks so different inside that for a moment when I stepped in, I felt sort of lost. Also, Auntie hired a few barbers to work in the place of Uncle, and they were both close family friends. They both seem nice. I didn't know either of them, but I overheard one of them talking to her about being a widow, and he was very kind to her. I think those are just the right people that Auntie needs around her right now.

The one I heard her talking to I didn't really meet, but I happened to hear that his name was Jaime*. I didn't pay much attention to him until Auntie went to go to something in another room real quick. I was sitting at the sink and he came over to it to wet a towel, excusing himself politely.
He suddenly said, "Almost done, huh?" And it took me a few seconds to comprehend what he said because for some reason I get really sleepy while I'm getting my hair done. (Maybe it's the feeling of someone's hands on my scalp? It's kind of soothing. I don't know, lol.)

So then I say, "Oh, yeah, hah. Thankfully." Only then that sounds like I can't wait to get out of there. So I shut up before I say anything else stupid. And suddenly I'm acutely aware that I'm not wearing any makeup. Not even any mascara. Dammit!

He just chuckles though. And then my mom, who's sitting a few feet away, decides to pipe in. "It's taken awhile. She's got quite a head of hair." (Officially mid back length now. YES. Just a few more inches to waist length!)

And I kind of cringe because this conversation is bringing alot of attention to me and I don't even know this guy. But he just chuckles again and says, "Well, that's a good thing," and then gives me a smile. A very nice smile. Oh. He's cute.

So I just smile back and chuckle bashfully, because I don't know what to say to that, and then I look away and don't say anything because I don't want to say something weird or incoherent, which happens to me a lot when I talk to guys. So thankfully after that he's done wetting the towel and he leaves the room.

Yeah. Cute. Totally not even close to my age, though. Probably in his mid-twenties. When I mention this to my mom later (whom, by the way, agrees that he was very attractive), she says that it wouldn't be weird if I went out with a 25 year old. And I guess legally it wouldn't, but I just can't bring myself to seriously consider that, at least right now.

I always forget that I'm a legal adult now. Like, I'm 19. But I still have the 'I'M A CHILD, YOU'RE AN ADULT' mindset about every 20's+ person I see. Even with someone who's 20, I have to pause and realize that they're only a year older than I am. Kinda blows my mind.

Anyway, so I don't see anything happening there. Especially since I could barely even talk to the guy, look directly at him, and say something that made sense at the same time. Plus, you know. Eternal child mindset. I think I'll always feel like a kid, honestly, no matter how old I get. And I'm good with that. Better than feeling too old, right?

But, hey. At least I'll get to see him every 6-8 weeks, right? But I should definitely wear mascara next time. Yeah.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: age, life, senior year

Internet. Guess who's officially nineteen years old?

I AM. WOOOOOOOOO. Looks like it's time for me to change the blog title again. My last teenage year. Kind of boggling.

My birthday crept up so quickly this year that the on the 28th, I was doing something and I suddenly stopped and said to myself, 'Whoa. Tomorrow's my birthday.'

It came up SO quick, in fact, that I never even planned anything for it. Originally, about two months ago, I was thinking that it would be nice to go to a sushi place with Jazz and Rosie for a nice dinner (since I've basically gone to Red Lobster every birthday since my 10th. I.....really like Red Lobster, okay.) buuut that was thrown under the bridge when 1. Jazz told me she was going to California for spring break and couldn't go and 2. when Rosie told me on the day before my birthday that she was going to New Mexico. Sooo, yeah. That plan was pretty much demolished.

But then when I found out about this, I told my mom and she promised to take me shopping on my birthday. Which was then promptly destroyed also because of our car deciding to develop problems and stop running later that day.

Yeah, I know. It sucked.

When my birthday finally arrived, I was a little bummed that I wouldn't get to do anything special for my birthday (let alone leave the house at least), but later on me and mom had a mini kid/animated movie marathon, and I felt better. (But we didn't watch Toy Story 3, because I'm fairly certain that if I cried every other time I've watched that movie, I'd be weeping my eyes out watching it on my 19th birthday. Mercy.)

So then when my dad got off from work (he drove a rental all day) he was awesome enough to let me call in a Red Lobster order and then went to go pick it up, along with four chocolate cupcakes with cookies and cream whipped cream frosting (my favorite ever). SO, that was plenty enough for me, to be honest. Plus, I got happy birthday texts from my family all day and birthday tweets from my friends, and that really made my day too.

(But, cough cough, as for my best friends, I only got a birthday text from Rosie. Jazz didn't send one. And...still hasn't a whole week later. Ahem.)

Oh, and I also got $75 dollars in birthday money. Yay for not being broke! But I will be again soon because this weekend I'm going shopping with it, haha. Bye money. Prepare to be spent on books and spring clothes.

SO. Some updates. A few weeks ago, I went to Rosies house and we talked about a bunch of stuff. Like the Ricky Bobby thing.

Which........turned out not to be a Ricky Bobby thing after all. Hah. At least, not THAT Ricky Bobby.
Relief, right??

Well, this had to do with a different Ricky Bobby, and incidentally, it's the same Ricky Bobby that caused me and Rosie to have the biggest fight of our friendship back in the seventh grade. I mentioned him before in this entry. For the sake of no confusion, though, let's just call him Pre-RB. As in, the ricky bobby before THE Ricky Bobby.

I guess it was this whole thing with Rosie and her group of friends starting to hang out with Pre-RB and some of his buddies regularly after school, and Rosie started to develop a small crush on Pre-RB (which honestly I'm repulsed by the thought of, not because I have any residual feels left for him but just because I cannot even FATHOM what I'd seen in him. Seriously, he's an asshole. What were you thinking, Fifth Grade through Seventh Grade Sarah?!)

So then Rosie tells Jezebel this, and then a few days after that, Jezebel confronts Rose and basically says, 'I didn't want to tell you this, because you're my best friend and I don't want this to come between us, but I like Pre-RB too.' Which is, you know. Bad. But, Jezebel then tells Rose that she WILL NOT (capslock underline italics, NOT) go after him or try anything, promises her. And so things are fine for a while. Like for a month or so.

You know, until Rosie finds out that Jezebel did the exact opposite thing she promised she would.

Yup. Not only does Jezebel begin dating Pre-RB behind Rosie's back, but she also TELLS Pre-RB about Rosie's crush on him. So while Rosie, unaware of this whole thing and thinking that she's slowly getting closer and closer to her crush, Jezebel is lying to her face the whole time.

Messed up, right? Especially considering that that's almost the exact thing that happened to Rose and I with Pre-RB in the seventh grade. But, yeah. Same guy. Same girl. Another friend.

This is why I don't mess with no Ricky Bobbies no more. NO MORE.

So yeah. And the funny part is that when Rosie caught them, Jezebel was the one acting most upset, not Rosie.
I had a feeling this would happen again. Because that's the thing, this isn't the only time Jezebel has come between Rose and a guy she liked. In fact, this is the third time. THE THIRD TIME. Rosie tells Jezebel she has a crush on some guy, Jezebel acts happy for Rose, Jezebel swoops in on the guy and dates/has sex with him, Rosie's left dumbfounded and stabbed in the back. Repeat two more times.

I don't know how Best Friend Rose has put up with this, honestly. And with all the other things Jezebel has put her through, I would have lost my mind. I would have left at the first sign of backstabbery. But, Rosie can be a bad judge of character sometimes. Well, a lot. Well...most of the time. Haha. But I just hope that this really is the last straw, that she doesn't stick around only to have this happen again. She has a new boyfriend (not official yet, I think? but from what I've heard, he's really great. She met him on OKCupid, actually!) and she plans on not telling Jezebel about him at all.

SO. Speaking of Ricky Bobbies. I woke up this morning pretty disturbed. Because why? You guessed it. A Ricky Bobby dream.

You know, I haven't had one in a while. A really long time, actually.

Actually no, that's a lie. I had one like a month ago, and he was in it, but I only vaguely remember that it wasn't romantic, and that he only appeared for a little bit and then disappeared again. So yeah, there was that one.

But THIS ONE. Ugh. This one. I don't exactly remember how it started out, but I was hanging out with Rosie somewhere, with her car, and for some reason my dog Sandy was there. And then we bump into Johnny and Ricky Bobby, somehow. So we all hug and exchange pleasantries. Apparently me and Rose were on our way into the mountains for a trip or something. And Johnny tells us, hey, we were on our way up there too! So he suggests to us all that we go together. Meanwhile, I feel Ricky Bobby staring at me. We all agree, although my agreement was sort of hesitant.

Somehow, it's like my subconscious has no patience for the details, because next thing I knew we were in the mountains already. We arrive at a big fancy resort, and after (I guess) settling all our things in our respective rooms at the hotel, we all walk around and look at everything. I'm walking Sandy around on her leash, maybe something to help distract from the fact that Ricky Bobby keeps trying to start a conversation with me, because for whatever reason I don't want to talk to him at all. In fact, I keep trying to avoid even looking at him.

Anyway, it's getting later into the afternoon, and we're sitting at an outdoor table in front of a restaurant or something. I had loosely tied Sandy's leash to the bench of the table so I wouldn't have to hold it, and then something exciting catches her attention, and she shoots off like a rocket. I scramble up from the table and call her, but she doesn't slow down, so I sprint after her. She runs into this huge shopping center thing, and it's super crowded, so I start to lose her.

Up until now, I didn't even realize that Ricky Bobby had ran after me, but then I pause and turn around and he's right behind me, panting. Bewildered, I ask him what he's doing, and he says he's helping me get my dog. So we run around for a bit (which by the way, I have NO idea how Sandy was so fast in this dream, considering in real life she's super chubby and middle aged. Lol.) and then we finally spot her laying down on the sidewalk by a restaurant, panting and enjoying being petted by the surrounding strangers.

I snatch up her leash and hesitantly thank Ricky Bobby, who seems enamored by my dog as well. (Why did I bring her, anyways? Who brings their 100 pound lab on vacation?!) He humbly tells me I'm welcome, and then we both head back to our friends in silence. Later, I guess we all decide to go out for dinner, and when were in the restaurant, Ricky Bobby sits down across from me, and he stares at me then, too. (Maybe a parallel to the Noodles trip irl?)

Skip to the next day, and the whole day, Ricky Bobby walks right next to me, talks to me, tries to get my attention. I get the sense that he knows that I don't want to be around him, and that he knows why, and that it's making him sad. At some point during the day, I finally get a good look at him, and realize how much he's changed. He looks like Ricky Bobby still, but more refined in a manly way, taller and more rugged, and devastatingly gorgeous. Looking at him directly brings back a whole wave of emotions that I hadn't wanted to confront, but--as always, it seems--it's like I fall victim to his spell and I can't stay away from him.

By the end of the trip (I don't remember how long it was, days maybe?), RB and I had spent the whole time practically attached at the hip (lol I don't know what BFR and Johnny have been doing during all this.).
Apparently me and Rose have to leave before Johnny and RB do, so we're saying our goodbyes in the hotel lobby. After I say goodbye to Johnny and hug him, when I go to say bye to RB, we just kind of stand there awkwardly, no hug or anything. And then, quietly, says to me that we should do it again sometime, and I shyly agree.

And then I woke up.

So...yeah. Probably doesn't mean anything at all, but interesting anyway.

I'll be spending my first month of being 19 busting my ass for school. But I have more I want to write about, so expect to hear from me anyway!

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Wrote this in IE. Crap. I'll fix the format later. No picture for now~)

Labels: best friend rose, birthday, dreams, johnny, pre-rb, ricky bobby

present me past me