There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
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Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet. Long time no see. The year has gone by and the seasons have changed, and it's fall once again.



2017 has been a ride. And it's still not over with yet--still three whole months to go.

So much has changed. So much has changed in 9 months that when I stop to think about it, I can't believe it's only been 9 months and not years.

I don't know where to start except to start at the beginning. So why don't we start with January?

January. A black hole in my memory.

I lost my dog. After a whole holiday season of her condition improving, and us hoping that she would continue to remain stable as long as possible, she worsened. She, the gluttonous queen of snacks and begging for more snacks, had stopped eating.

She only ate when persuaded, and a switch from dog food to mushy, homemade rotisserie chicken food only staved it off for a few weeks. That was one of the hardest parts for me--seeing everything she used to be disappearing.

We made the difficult decision to put her to sleep. And I lost my best friend in the entire world.

January, for me, is one large hole of emptiness whenever I look back on it--all I can remember is obsessively watching a show on Netflix, eating cereal and instant ramen on the rare occasions that I even had an appetite, and crying in my bed. Vaguely, I remember numbly going on a huge Amazon shopping binge the day after she left me. I spent close to a hundred dollars, and received packages for two weeks straight.

I also remember going to my first real doctor's appointment in 9 years and getting an x-ray on my knee. Then I returned to my bedroom, returned to my bed, and disappeared again. The x-rays came back fine.

February was more of the same. My dad went on a business trip right before Valentine's Day, brought me back a teddy bear on the 14th as a souvenir. I watched more Netflix, obsessively watched figure skating competitions, and ate more cereal and ramen. Lost a ton of weight even though I didn't mean to. Deleted my dog sitting profile for good.

March was lighter, better. My birth month was tinged with light here and there--I watched Moana about a million times, cried every single time. I even watched it on my birthday, after getting some delicious takeout at home and some great wine.

April, though. Things began to happen. I began to come back to life again.

I went to my first concert in 8 years. Cried and sang and screamed my lungs out the entire time. Traveled outside of my city for the first time in 5 years. Got a breakfast platter at a diner 1 in the morning before coming home from the concert and crashing and not waking up until 2 PM the next day.

This concert revitalized me. For the first time in months, my pulse raced. For the first time in months, I felt things I had forgotten. I was alive.

After my concert adventure, I was myself again.

I was still mourning, but I used all my emotions and wrote everything I had into my April Camp NaNoWriMo project, the first serious novel I had ever started when I was 16, which I worked on last July too. I wrote and wrote and wrote.

May, I continued to write. I applied for a volunteer position at the library--something I had thought of the month before. I realized I needed to be somewhere, do something. And this was something I could do, and do well.

June, I followed up my application with emails to the right people. One week later, I had an interview. And at that interview, I was offered the job. ON THE SPOT. And just like that, although after years and years of applying for jobs and never getting a bite, I had a job.

The rest of June, I got used to my new place of work, once a week. Got to know everyone and got to figuring out how everything worked there. Not without anxiety, though, of course. But I did it all willingly, because I was amazed by this chance that I was being given, and I didn't want to chicken out.

July, I continued getting used to things at my job. I also continued to write, on a separate book from what I'd been working on in April and May. I learned that having a 2 or 3 drinks still affects me two days afterwards, and to not do that right before my work days anymore. Heh. Thanks alot, fourth of July. I also watch fireworks in the candlelit backyard with Mom.

August, I finally feel like I'm fitting in at work and that I'm getting the hang of things. But best of all--no, BIGGEST of all: I finish my book, the one I'd started when I was 16. I finally, finally finish it. I cry and cry and cry with relief and happiness. And then I send it out to beta readers and critique partners alike, trying my best to swallow the nerves at other people reading and critiquing my pride and joy. Still working on that.

So, here we are now. September. And what a month it's been.



Mostly, I've been working, and reading, and watching lots of Gilmore Girls, and waiting on responses from all of my readers. None yet. I may have crumbled in panic over this a couple of times so far. But at the moment, I'm holding it together pretty well!

But.

There's a reason I've come on here today to update you all about this devastating, crazy, and exciting and strange and new year.

For a long time, I didn't think I could come on here and talk about things. Because for a while, I thought that what I faced early this year was my life from now on. When you're buried in grief, it's hard to imagine life ever feeling any other way ever again.

But then June happened. And life is so different right now. Completely different. But a good different. The kind of different that gives me hope.

And now, in September, something else huge happened.

Brennan. And his girlfriend. No longer together, as of last month--in August.

You know...it was weird. The moment I found out, I was in this sort of daze. I was almost in denial at first--I thought I was imagining it.

I'll admit it: I snooped his girlfriend's (now ex) Facebook. Oh, come on! Like you've never done that before, Internet?? Social media snooping is like an international sport at this point. Everyone does it! And by now I'm a pro at it.



And after all, that was how I found out he had a girlfriend two years ago in the first place--snooping his Facebook, then full on snooping hers because her whole profile is set to public, unlike Brennan's, which is semi-private. (Will I have the guts to actually friend him on Facebook one of these days? Time will tell.)

Now, another admission: I snooped her page way longer than I probably should have.

But there was a vibe to her recent posts that I couldn't quite put my finger on--a noticeable lack of Brennan. She's the type of person that tags everyone in random stuff on FB throughout the day, and makes regular status updates, posts pictures of where she goes and what she's doing. Not an entirely smart move to make when your social media is completely public. Especially for creeps like me. I digress.

ANYWAY. Yeah, she was always making gushing posts about him and posting pictures of the two of them together. And it went from always tagging him and posting on his wall and vice versa to...nothing. Except for lots and lots of angsty mood status updates with sad emojis and sad-but-supportive reactions from her friends, mid-August.

Then it finally occurred to me to stop being a creep and to just freakin' check her relationship status. I scrolled back up her page, eyes darting, searching for it. Then I found it.

Relationship status: Single.

Whoa. There it was, in black and white.

I ruminate over this for a few days, let it soak in. And that's when I realized that Brennan had noticeably re-appeared in my social media likes and Snapchat story views near the middle of August.

Ho.

ly.

Crap.

This realization gave me the courage, a few days later, to slide into Brennan's Instagram DMs. AGAIN.

I sent him something to the effect of, "Hey, stranger. How have you been?" Innocuous enough, right? That way, it looked friendly, and platonic. Just in case I was wrong about what my very eyes had seen for themselves. Because I'm paranoid like that.

But, lo and behold, all of my fears and paranoia were for nothing. Because when he replied, he called me 'cutie', just like he always used to. Like no time had passed at all.



Can I just say? I felt so validated. I still feel validated.

All those times that noticed all the times he would like my personal posts, and watch my Snapchat story when I had selfies in it--I'd always just had this feeling, like it meant something that he was still bothering to pay attention after all this time. All the other guys I'd been involved with fell off of my social media after a certain amount of time, stopped caring eventually. He never did.

I knew it meant something. I knew it.

And Internet. Let me tell you. Brennan started flirting with me. Started flirting with me hard.

I'm not going to lie, it felt good, really good, to have very clear proof that Brennan is still attracted to me. Especially now that I've long realized my feelings for him.



We talked for about a week, catching up.

He graduated earlier this year, and now has a great first job straight of out college, amazingly. He told me that he had decided to break up with his ex last month, and that it had been his decision. He also noted knowingly, to my mortification, that it was interesting that I had just randomly decided to text him out of the blue after he had just become single. I swear he knows that I found him on Facebook somehow--I don't know how he knows that, but he's pretty intuitive, so I guess I'm not surprised he knows. I just told him jokingly that maybe it was intuition, and he just laughed it off and changed the subject.

I told him that I had dropped out of college due to finances, but that I intend to finish my degree one day. I also told him about how much I love my new job, and that my anxiety has been much more manageable these days since I started taking some supplements (and they have helped me. They've helped a ton.). I told him I had been doing better the past few months than I have felt in years. He told me he was super happy to hear that I was feeling better, and he said it in the most genuine way. And when I read it, it gave me butterflies.

He continued to flirt throughout all of this, and the butterflies in my stomach rioted. For God's sake, I was swooning. I have not swooned since...well. Since my first kiss. But before that??? YEARS. And this was just from talking to him.

All he had to say was that he adored my lips, and that they looked luscious. And instantly I was a blushing, squealing mess, with my face buried into my pillow. And the same thing happened when he sent me a selfie, showing me his new haircut, which makes him look so effing hot. Oh my God. I think that Brennan is hot. And I want to jump his bones.



Hell. I like Brennan, Internet. I really, really like Brennan.

It terrifies me how much I like Brennan.

I have not liked anyone this way since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, the whole reason I started this blog. I finally get what people mean when they say they feel like they're in high school again--that's exactly how I feel right now. With all of the ups and downs that goes with those feelings. I feel like I'm going crazy.

So onto the ups and downs.

As exciting as all of that was, the entire time I felt this low current of worry. Because I couldn't stop remembering that Brennan and his ex broke up only last month. One month ago.

In the grand scheme of things, 1 month isn't long. It isn't long at all. And I have no idea what a breakup is like.

I mean, of course I know what heartbreak is like. Hell, that's the whole reason I created this blog in the first place--because of my first broken heart.

But breakups? Breakups that are your decision? I don't know what that process is like. I have no clue how that feels, and what the consequences feel like, or how long it takes to move past a breakup that was your decision. It seems different from a mutual breakup, and different from when someone gets dumped.

So this whole time, I can't help but wonder: Am I letting myself be a rebound?

I mean. 1 month guys. That's so recent. Just a few weeks. I barely feel different from one month to another. 9 months is another story. (See above.) But 1 month? That's barely anything at all.

If I started dating Brennan now, that would make me a rebound. And I don't want to be a rebound. Not at all.

My feelings for Brennan deserve more than being a rebound. And if Brennan had feelings for me at all, even remotely, I think that deserves more than a rebound fling, too.

So. Because of these thoughts, infuriatingly, it soured me to this flirting between us. Even though two seconds ago I was so excited about it, these thoughts made me question it.

And I couldn't help but notice that every time I asked Brennan if we could switch from DMs to texting, and asking for his number because I had deleted it some time ago when I'd gotten a new phone, he had kept brushing it off and changing the subject. And so that made me see his flirtation in a different light, too: Maybe Brennan doesn't have feelings for me at all. Maybe he was just flirting with me because he felt like it, because he can now without being tied down in a relationship. Maybe that's all he wanted.

As all of these thoughts gathered in my head, meanwhile, I had sent Brennan a surprise selfie of me in my cute pajamas.

And he left me on Read for 2 days without even the smallest response.



....Internet. Am I misreading things, or is Brennan not actually interested in me at all?

 God, I feel crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. And I feel stupid.

Why can't I figure out what he wants? Am I just misreading all of this?

After those two days, he only said that he'd been busy, and that I looked lovely. But my mind immediately skipped over the compliment and dwelled on the 'busy' comment. Because I couldn't help but wonder what had kept him so busy that he had time to open my selfie and look at it but not to type even a single word response.

Tired of feeling crazy, and tired of the ansty stomach ache I'd had for those 2 consecutive days that he'd ignored me, I decided to just take it out of my hands.

I told him that he seemed preoccupied, that it wasn't a big deal, and gave him my number, saying I was tired of DMing inside of Instagram and to text me when he was ready. And that if he didn't there wouldn't be hard feelings. (A lie. But I wanted it to seem that way, anyway.)

I just had a feeling that this may be something other than me. After all, he just went through a breakup last month. And he just got a new job. And I have no idea what's going on in his personal life other than that.

So it might not be me. It's difficult for me not to take things personally--especially because of my anxiety. The anxiety monster in my head reads into every single interaction I have throughout the day and over-analyzes it to death. Good or bad.

But I'm just trying my best to be understanding right now. Even if my first, knee-jerk reaction is to feel hurt and to push him away again.

This is a circumstance that I have never been through before. Being a potential rebound isn't a nice feeling. And I want to express that to him--but not yet. It's too soon. I don't want to assume anything, and I don't want to pressure him. No matter how much I like him. And no matter how much I'm bursting to tell him how much I like him.

Not yet. It's not the time yet. I need to be considerate of him, and to give him time and space.

So that's what I'm going to do. No matter how much it's killing me to do, I'm going to do it.

And now he has my number again. The ball is in his court. And if he never texts me at all, I'll have me answer, and I can move on.

At least I, for the very first time, won't have regrets about never doing anything. I took a chance, a risk, which I never used to do before. I put myself out there instead of running away. And that was exactly what wanted for myself this year--to take chances. To be brave.

If this doesn't work out, Internet, and he doesn't want me the way I want him, at least I know I was brave.

I'm still nervous. I still check my phone way more than is necessary. I still feel a small twinge of disappointment when I receive a new text and it's not him. It's been one week. I'll give him more time.



If after two weeks he doesn't text, I'll consider that my answer and begin to move on.

But at least this time I'll be able to move on for real, instead of running and hiding and hanging on to old memories without having any sure answers. At least now I'll know.

Stay tuned.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Happy belated Autumn equinox. Change has come. And I welcome it.)

Labels: autumn, brennan, change, i'm baaaaack, job stuff, life, progress, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, tragedy

Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.

• I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
• I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
• Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
• I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
• After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)

Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder

Dear Ricky Bobby,

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I want to say that I hope you've been okay. Life can really be cruel sometimes, but I hope that it's been mostly kind to you, and that all of the good outweighs the bad.

You may be wondering why I wrote this letter to you after not speaking to or even seeing you for so long. I'm not good at expressing myself face to face, and I'm a better speaker in writing, so this is the easiest way for me to say important things. I have a few apologies to make to you. In truth, I should have written this letter years ago, but I was so caught up in the lies I told myself that I couldn't admit to what was true.
I'm gonna try not to sound overly formal with this whole letter, but that's kinda hard for me at times. Also, a lot of this has been building up inside of me for the past few months now, so I kind of have a lot to say.

None of this is easy for me to talk about at all, but I think it's important that I do. Don't feel pressured to reply to this, you really don't have to. I'll be honest and say that this letter is mostly for me to get stuff off my chest. So no worries, ok?

I've been thinking about some things over the past half year or so, while trying to be honest with myself, and I've realized a thing or two.

Firstly, I'm sorry that I never told you, to your face, that I was in love with you. You heard from plenty of other people, hell, from every other person in the world besides me. And that wasn't fair of me. So many things got misconstrued that way, and I believe that my feelings for you were interpreted wrongly sometimes. You weren't just some crush to me, Ricky Bobby, and you deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that they're special to somebody. I'm sorry I never mustered up the courage to tell you, even when I really, really wanted to. Like when you were moving away and I was saying goodbye to you, and like when you came back and we were alone one or two times and I had all the opportunity to.

Second, I'm sorry I was afraid. Back in the 8th grade, I had super low self esteem. In high school, it improved slightly, but I was still insecure and really afraid of rejection. I was still growing as a person in a lot of ways, and I don't think that I was ready to go out with anybody then.

And when you moved back, I realized that I still had feelings for you. After trying a whole 2 years to forget about you and move on, that terrified me. It terrified me even more that we hung out at those football games and my feelings were stronger than ever. I was hoping that when you moved back, I would show you that I was over you and you weren't a big deal to me anymore, and that's not what happened. I was scared of the direction things maybe might have been heading in(or probably might not have been, to this day I'm still not completely sure either way. I never really could figure you out, and I mean that as a compliment.) and I knew that in the future, if you were to show any sort of interest in me in return, I wouldn't have been able to hide my feelings anymore, which meant that I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry I was so prideful.

So, I kind of pushed you and Johnny away. I avoided you, hoping that if I pretended that you didn't exist and pretended that you meant nothing to me, it would be easier to move on. For this immaturity, I'm also sorry.

It sort of worked for a little while. That is, until I logged onto Facebook one day, saw that you were dating someone, got super jealous and blocked you. Really sorry for that. It was bitchy, I know. But I figured you wouldn't notice, and to be fair, I don't think you did. Even if you didn't, though, I still feel guilty about it. But after you had been blocked for a while, it was easier to keep you off my mind. It also helped the jealousy stay away. For a long while, it felt like I really had moved on.

But eventually, my immaturity came back and bit me in the ass. I only just recently got the courage to unblock you and add you as a friend again. I'm over my blocking phase on Facebook now, so there'll be no more blocking now, I promise.

I lied to myself for a long time about my feelings for you. I think the seriousness of my feelings scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with those kinds of feelings, and confront them in a healthy way, and so I pushed them away. In the end, that only hurt me more, and now I'm left with these residual regrets years later. I'll probably always regret the way I handled things between us, and that's why I've written this.

I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to be more honest with myself than I was in the past. It's a little hard, but it's been helping me realize some things about my past and about myself. I think coming to terms with things in my life will partly come with being honest with myself and with others, and being less of a goddamn coward. Haha. I'm still working on it, but I'm doing pretty okay so far.

One last thing I want to say is that at some point, you meant a whole lot to me. It's hard to explain why when I don't even know why myself. You were the first guy I ever had really strong feelings for. I know you didn't realize it, but for me, my 8th grade year was hell. Even just waking up in the morning every day was hard, but seeing you everyday at school made it just a little bit easier. It gave me a reason to show up at school and smile and keep trying. For that, thank you. Regardless of how old I get, I'll never forget that. I hope you don't forget that either.

Because this letter is getting to be too long, I guess I'll end it here. I felt like I couldn't go my entire life without saying any of those things to you, I think I owed it to both of us to say it all. Hope it didn't weird you out.

I wish you happiness and love and health and everything that you deserve.

Always,

Sarah

((Sequel entry to this original dramatic emo entry.))

Labels: letters, life, ricky bobby, secrets

But stumbling across this Wikipedia page set off more than one alarm in my head. I know it's just Wikipedia, and I shouldn't let it freak me out, but I digress. I think if I only related to one thing on this list, or a few things, I would disregard it and move on. But every single one of these immediately reminded me of me.

From Wikipedia:

Signs and symptoms

• Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships^[10]
• Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Severe low self-esteem
• Self-loathing
• Mistrust of others
• Emotional distancing related to intimacy
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Problems in occupational functioning
• Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
• Feeling inferior to others
• In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
• Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts^[11][12]

Labels: life, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, therapy

Oh, Internet. Can I be straight with you?

It's that time again.

No, not my period, I finished that a few days ago, but thanks for asking. (Period jokes. Funny? Not funny? Gross? Probably the last one.)

Nope. It's that time again when I blog to whine about being single.

I KNOW, I KNOW. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while are probably so sick of this, and for that I give you my sympathies. Trust me, I'm getting tired of it too. But when you've essentially had a non-stop romantic dry spell for a consecutive 19 years it's hard not to complain at least a little bit.

A few days ago, I had an emotional day. To be fair, I was on the tail end of my period, and my emotions tend to get haywire and the last days of it, so it was to be expected. But still, I felt pretty lousy. I basically went to bed the night before crying and then woke up and started crying some more.

I just kept thinking about how all this time, hell, throughout all of my teenage years until now, I've never ever had a boyfriend. Ever.

Boyfriend? What is that? Is it a sport?? Is it something I can play on a gaming console???

But seriously though. It's like.....I keep looking at all these people around me that have at the very least--at the very least--had one relationship. Everyone. Every single person that I know. Literally. All in different shapes and sizes, different personalities, lifestyles, religions, what have you. They've all been in at least one relationship. And then there's me.

It's not even like I mope around 24/7 always weeping at my singleness and wailing to the heavens "WHY ME?!?" I'd like to think that to people that don't know me very well, I seem to handle it very well, almost like I don't even care. And really, half the time, I don't. Half the time I just think, 'Well yeah, I haven't had a boyfriend, but I'll get one eventually, so who cares? I don't need one right now anyway.'

But then also half of the time, I think about it, I mean really think about it, and just think: 'What did I do to deserve this?'

And it's not that I'm desperate or anything, because if I was truly desperate, I would have just gone for anybody by now. If I were desperate, I would just throw myself at any guy that shows me the slightest bit of attention, whether they were good for me or not.

Hell no, I don't do that. I would never do that. Why? Because I have standards, and I respect myself more than that.

And I'd also like to think that when the time comes for my first relationship, I'll be very cautious about getting into it, because I know how easily I can get hurt. I know it doesn't seem like it from the other side of the computer screen, but I'm really very sensitive. I always have been. I'm better than I used to be, my skin has gotten a lot thicker, but as a kid, if someone even looked at me the wrong way, I would almost start to cry.

I think that's why I really have never initiated any sort of relationship with someone, or have even blatantly shown my interest in someone (besides Phil, that is), because when I'm rejected, I take it very personally. I know that's not the healthy attitude to have with dating, and it can drive a person crazy, but I can't help myself. For me to even muster up the courage to approach someone that way takes so much effort, so much that sometimes I can't even make myself do it, and when that's thrown back in my face, it hurts like hell.

Maybe if I'd ever tried to start anything with anyone, I might have had a boyfriend by now. But something like that is just too risky, too scary to even think about.

And speaking of interest...interest. What does that mean? I don't know anymore.

It's been three years now since I've last had a crush on somebody. Three stinkin' years. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore.

I admit, Drew came close. I thought I was starting to develop some sort of feelings for him, starting, but as soon as he passively rejected me after the ONE date I went on with him, that all went in a fat flaming rocket straight to hell. And even though Phil was the last guy I had a 'crush' on, I'm still hesitant to call it that.

My crush on Phil was never the nervous-to-be-around-him, weak-everytime-I-look-at-him, I-can't-remember-how-to-breathe-properly-when-he-smiles-at-me crush. It was just a "Oh hey, you're kinda cute. Oh you think I'm cute, too? Well then I think I probably like you." kind of thing. Not in the least bit serious, and I'm prone to having serious crushes, so I don't know how that even happened. Plus Phil, as I've learned in the past 3 years since, isn't prone to having anything serious, so I guess I dodged that bullet while I was ahead.

So, yeah. Crushes. What are those? Unless you count celebrity crushes, which most people don't, then I haven't had one of those in a long time. And no one's had one on me, that I know of.


It just..........I can't even explain how it feels. It's one giant falcon kick to the stomach, you know? It doesn't feel good at all, not one little bit, and the pain kind of leaves you breathless. 


It's like....this is how it feels not to be wanted. And I mean really, truly, wanted. For who you are. And I've felt that way for a few people my whole life, but no one's felt that way for me. I don't think there's anything worse in this entire world.


How to remedy this? I honestly have no idea. 


There's online dating, but ever since Drew, that seems to have made things worse. I've since discovered that it's really not for me, and I haven't met anyone on there to convince me otherwise. 


There's also continuing on with life, try to ignore it, and accomplish things in the meantime, only I've been doing that for a long time, and the feeling gets worse with time. And I keep thinking about all the things people around me have experienced that I haven't (in terms of romance). First hand holding. First kiss. First prom date. Sometimes even first love. And it conjures up this unbearable bitterness inside of me.


It's cheesy, I know. But all I want is someone that thinks I'm attractive, and tells me. Someone to call me annoying, cringe-worthy pet names. Someone to hug me just because. Someone to talk to and to ask how I'm doing, because they want to. Someone to kiss me and mean it. Someone to want me. Someone to call me theirs. And someone that I can do all of that for in return. That's all I want. Is that too fucking much to ask for?


I'm only 19, and I know none of that is important right now. I know I don't need a boyfriend, or a relationship. But I want one. For God's sake, JUST ONE. That's all I want right now.

I know it inevitably ends in heartbreak, and I'm still scared of being hurt, but honestly my bitterness right now is overwhelming any of those fears. And I feel like this feeling is worse than heartbreak, because at least with heartbreak I would have known what it feels like to be wanted at some point. I just hate that I haven't experienced this not even once in my whole life, and I'm so sick of feeling this way.

And even if I had a crush right now, and it was unrequited (as always), at least I would know what it feels like to want someone. I don't even have that.

This sounds so dramatic, I'm sorry. But this feeling has just been building up and building up and up and up and at this point I don't know when it'll end.

I haven't even logged onto my OKCupid account lately because even though I'm not desperate, I'm sure as hell getting there. It would be dangerous to even log in while feeling this way, because I might forget my standards altogether and say yes to the first guy that propositions me. (Kidding, I wouldn't. But I would consider it for longer than I care to admit.) I'll stay away from it until I calm down. Or maybe get some therapy.

So, what to do about it? Nothing. As always.

Since I'm so emotional right now I think I'll go write. I always have written better when I'm emotional.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: bitterness, drew, dry spells, life, love, phil, would you like cheese with your whine

Internet. I just found this old school notebook that I kept in the 8th grade, and I wrote this diary-entry-type-thing in it that's just so hysterical and embarrassing that I had to post it here. Did I mention it's embarrassing? Yeah. It's so embarrassing. I literally cringed the whole time I read it.

Ready for this? Might want to do some facial stretches in preparation for the strenuous amounts of cringing you're about to do. No, really. I'll wait. Done? Okay, here we go.

THINGS TO GET ORGANIZED:
To like, or not to like? That is the question.
New kid. Hmm. Well...I like adorably cute guys...like Chris [Moy, from Menudo 2.0. Obsessed with boybands even then.]. And he's cute. 

Soooo...idk. I could start to like him...but...
He could be just like the other guys and nothing new at all. So I shouldn't get my hopes up. =( But still...it could be the ~*Start of Something New*~ [Yes. That was a High School Musical reference.] ...or not. I think I should try maybe to get to know him before I judge.
...Yet, that might be hard...since he, like, hasn't even looked at me yet. =((( Grrrr. Looks like I'll have to work 4 it. Also, okay: Sombrero [insert doodle of a sombrero here]. Hmm. Like, he is so hot, words can't even explain it. He's a little awkward, but I don't care. I want his bod. lol. [STOPS TYPING THIS UP RIGHT NOW TO COMMIT BC DEAR GOD WHY]
But seriously. And I guess I just kinda sorta like him...maybe? But he doesn't like me back. Totally not. =/ If he did, I would have completely and utterly noticed it by now. And...he just doesn't!! D= [Calm down, omg.] 

And, Lip Gloss. [Yes. I codenamed a guy Lip Gloss. Something having to do with him...liking my lip gloss...or retrieving it after I dropped it...or something. I don't know, hahaha.]
Hoo, boy. Where to start? I. hate. him. He is such a smart alec, Brad Pitt wannabe, player playboy, hot-or-cold, hardass jerk. [...........I'm sorry, what?] 

Yeah. DD< The only good thing abt him? Umm. He dresses nice? Yeah. He's not even nice! He talks abt people behind their backs all the time! I wouldn't be surprised if he talked about me, but I could honestly care less [sic]. He's so freakin' full of himself, its discusting [sic]. I can't believe I even *kind of* liked him. He's horrid!
Hmm, yeah.......
So, the boys @ this school just suck. lol. Basically. Hopefully this new guy is better than all of this.
And so, in the meantime, I'll just plan my loveless Valentine's Day...I think I'll watch chick flicks and eat Ben and Jerry's. [I did that back then, too? Wooow.] =/

And that's how it ends.

Well, first of all, damn I was obnoxious. Or maybe that's just how eighth grade girls act? I can't tell, really. But if I actually acted like that everyday then it's no wonder boys didn't like me, lol. What's with the title of it? 'Things to get organized?' What things? Was I referring to boys as 'things'?!

But let's see. I actually remember who all of these guys are, and coincidentally, these were all guys I liked right before I developed the crush on Ricky Bobby. Same school year and everything.

New Guy: He started at my school either at the very end of first semester, in 2007, or right at the beginning of second semester, 2008. At the time, he was a little short (he was maybe an inch taller than me, like 5'4), had dirty blonde hair that curled up at the ends, has these huge brown eyes, freckles, and a trillion watt smile with perfect teeth. Oh man, he was adorable. I remember the day he first came to school, he was all all of the girls in my grade were talking about the whole day. Heck, the whole first week. Every girl in our grade had a crush on him at some point, I swear. As did New Guy for every girl in our grade. Haha. I had a little thing for New Guy, that is until I found out how much he liked the ladies. Unfortunately, his innocent, boyish, adorable looks were deceiving, because I swear guys, he had a crush on every girl in my grade at least once. If not every girl, at least every 'popular' girl. It was kinda funny though, because evidently the popular girls were the only girls immune to his charms, and they gave him no chance whatsoever. Which proved to be torture for anyone who was friends with him on Myspace, because everytime he was rejected, oh boy, did he let everyone know. He let the whole freaking INTERNET know of his rejection woes. As in, he was one of those people posting either super depressing lyrics as their status, or posting things like 'WHY CAN'T I EVER FIND HAPPINESS' and 'I'LL DIE ALONE'. Yeah. Yikes. New Guy was nutso. I'd be lying if I said the last time I saw him that I didn't still find him cute. He's so cute. And he's a sweet guy, he really is. Even when he obscenely hooked up with Kelly* by the pool at our freshman retreat, I still found him kinda sweet afterwards. Kinda. And there was a brief moment of time, possibly a week, where I specifically remember him flirting madly with me on several occasions with Ricky Bobby right freaking there, with RB staring on the whole time. Hahaha. I owe him one.

Sombrero: Good god. What kind of nickname is that? Maybe there was something with him having to do with a sombrero at some point, but I cannot remember what it was. Either way, what the hell? Anyway, Sombrero was in the grade below mine. Deep tan skin, short black hair, dark eyes, nice smile, tall, nice muscles. He was a cutie for sure. But like I had (not so gracefully) mentioned in the entry above, he was kinda strange. And kinda...dumb. Lol. Football player and all. Probably, admittedly, the only football player I've ever been remotely interested in. But I'm totally not even saying that to be mean, he just was...out there, man. Out there. He'd open his mouth to say something and you'd be like, ".....what?!" This whole 'crush' was very short lived though, because I soon found out that my friend Camille* liked him, so I backed off, because you know. Girl code. And then I very quickly got over that whole thing.

Lip Gloss: .....okay. Out of all of these nicknames, this might actually be tied with Sombrero for the worst. Seriously? Lip Gloss? What the hell is that? I mean, I know I still come up with stupid nicknames for guys now, but come on. At least they're not this weird, lol. ANYWAY. As you can see, I had a like/hate thing going for Lip Gloss. He was actually best friends with Fiddy in middle school, like attached-at-the-hip best friends. I never paid any attention to Lip Gloss at the beginning of the school year, because I was too distracted by Fiddy (again, SO glad I got over that as soon as I did. Whew.). But I had the same 7th period English class with him (and ironically, Ricky Bobby was in that class too. Huh.), and I'm not sure what happened, but one day I started to see him differently (and something tells me it had something to do with lip gloss. I don't know. Lol. I HAD TO HAVE NAMED HIM THAT FOR SOME REASON.) and uh...maybe he did with me? Or maybe he thought it would be fun to mess with me. I suspect it was the latter, because he's a huge douche bag, then and now. But he was always constantly flirting with me in English class, since we sat next to each other. Stuff like, getting my attention just to say something that he knew would make me laugh, noticing small stuff like my new shoes, or how I curled my hair that day, teasing me, etc. I even remember one time when we had to write short stories for an assignment, and he teased me saying that in the story he wrote, I was the lead character. Lol, right. Of course I was, Lip Gloss. I admit, he was good. If all he wanted was a flirting buddy for a few months, he got it. Shortly after those few months, he lost interest (and I use that term very lightly. We got different seats in English class, and after that, BAM. I didn't exist anymore.), and after that, so did I. Good thing I borderline hated him to begin with, because then he wasn't hard to get over at all. (Only took Christmas break to get over him, actually. I remember this because it was literally RIGHT after Christmas break that I started developing feelings for Ricky Bobby. In fact, I think part of the reason Ricky Bobby started to appeal to me around this time was because he was an angel compared to what an asshole Lip Gloss was. Huh.)

Funny how throughout all this time, though, that I still continue using nicknames for guys and still eat ice cream and watch chick flicks on Valentine's Day. Old habits die hard, perhaps?

Something else I find funny is how many guys I was interested in during Middle School. Lordy. I mean, compare this to the one guy a had a crush on, albeit very briefly (Phil) during High School, and geez, man. Either I've gotten way pickier or I've run out of potential love interests permanently, hahaha. Of course, the past three years in homeschool, I've found many unattainable celebrity guys to take interest in, but that's a another therapy session.

Anywho, pretty interesting all around. Oh, and, note to 8th grade Sarah: it's not cute to use chatspeak and 'like' every five seconds. You sound unbelievably annoying. Just saying.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: fiddy, life, lip gloss, New Guy, old stuff, sombrero

I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. I think it finally hit me how I'll never sleep here again after tonight, and how much I'll miss this place.

I went through some hard stuff here, but it was also my haven at times.

I'll miss how there's a ridiculous amount of vents in my bathroom, and so whenever we have the a/c on in the summertime it's like a refrigerator, and whenever we have on the heat in the winter, it's toasty warm.

I'll miss how there's two sinks in there even through I only ever used one.

I'll miss the almost pink, almost cream color that my walls have been painted ever since before we moved here. It's probably the only room I'll ever get with pink walls, and strangely, even though I never knew I wanted pink walls, I'll miss having them.

I'll miss how this bedroom never failed to become a convector oven in the afternoon, summer, spring, winter or fall. Even when it was -10 outside, if the sun was out, it would be piping hot in there by afternoon. Don't ask me why I'll miss this, I really have no idea. Even though it was annoying, and it was unbearable sometimes, it was charming in a way.

I'll miss air conditioning in general. (The new house doesn't have air conditioning. And my state is currently going through consistent late nineties heat. Dear god help us all.)

I'll miss the fireplace downstairs, because you can see through it on both sides and it's really cool.

I'll miss living across the street from Walgreens. The people that work there see us so often that they recognize us by face immediately and greet us, I'm surprised they don't know us by name.

Believe it or not, I'll miss living right next to a busy street. I've gotten so used to the traffic noise that I'll probably have a hard time falling asleep without it for a while.

I'll miss being not even a block away from a park.

I'll miss walking through my neighborhood through the many winding paths that weave between people's backyards. I discovered it with Jazz when we were feeling adventurous maybe two years ago, and since then, regrettably, I've only walked through it a few times. I wish I had done it more often, it was so peaceful and nice. The only problem with it was that you could see straight into people's backyards, and sometimes dogs would bark at you. (One time, someone's HUGE white dog got so wound up barking at us and jumping at the fence that me and Jazz thought he was going to leap over the fence, so we turned back around and ran, lol.) That's something that my new neighborhood doesn't have, and it's a bigger neighborhood and not as safe, so that's kind of too bad.

I'll miss the cozy layout of this house. The new one is bigger, which is much better for us, but I will miss the snug feel of this one.

Last, but not least, I'll miss the virtual sound-proofness of this room. I swear, I would do anything up here with my door closed (play my music as loud as the volume will possibly go, scream at the top of my lungs, laugh loudly, etc) and nobody else in the house could hear. The new house, I'm not so sure. I guess we'll see?

As I've been packing up my bedroom, and my old school office, it's hitting me more and more that this stage in my life has come to an end, and a new one is starting. Even though it's hard, I'll always have the memories made in this house, and nothing can ever replace those.

So, this is goodbye. But with goodbyes, other doors can be opened. Let's see where this one leads.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, moving, summer

Wow, internet. Where to begin?

This'll be another long one, so bear with me guys.

By the way, yes. It's me. Just me. Don't worry, I won't be writing anymore articles on here, it's just that I felt like I really had to write that, to maybe help those out there starting online school that are as totally clueless like I had been. I know I would have loved any sort of advice, or reassurance, about it.

ANYWAY. Wow. I can't believe it's taken me over a week to write this.

Tbh I think that up until now I was still so freaked out and dazed about everything, and I don't think I would have been able to collect my thoughts adequately enough. I'm still a little dazed about it, though. Sometimes when I think back on it, it just feels like a dream, sometimes vivid, sometimes fuzzier. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

So. June 14th, 2012. I type it out like that because I don't think I'll forget this day for a long, long time.

The day started out oddly. I remember specifically waking up and just being cranky. This generally happens when I go to bed in the wee hours of the early morning, which I'm sure I did, because summertime and all. Even if I go to bed at like 4 but sleep until like 11 or 12, I'm still horribly cranky. I'm not sure why, but there ya go.

So, I wake up at like 12ish, I'm pissy, and maybe 15 minutes after that, my mom knocks on my door. When I answer, 'Yeah?' I'm sitting up in bed, literally still waking up and in my pajamas. And my mom, says in a loud whisper, "Jazz is here."

Now, this bewilders me. Not only because to me, it's still the morning, but also because the last time I saw Jazz, it was at her graduation.

Let me tell you, it was weird going to my old school's graduation. I think that was my final realization that it really was my old school. I looked at that graduating class, saw some kids that I'd know since I was four or five years old, and realized that I wasn't graduating with them.
Up until then, I'd always called it 'my old school' and acknowledged that it was something not in my life anymore, but I think a small part of me (even if it was the most microscopic of the microscopic) still actually believed that I still belonged there. I mean, the friends I met there are basically still my social circle. And like I said, some of those people I've known since I was a really tiny person, like Best Friend Rose, so it's almost as if...as if I've never known anything else. My whole life growing up was that school.


For public schools, it's different. You go to a public elementary school for 5-6 years (if you don't switch schools all the time), and then you leave. And then you go to a public middle school for 3 years, and again, if you don't switch schools, you go to school with those people for 3 years. And then you leave. And then same goes for the 4 years of high school. But for me, from when I was 4 years old to when I left at 16, that place...was my entire childhood. 
And I think I'd had such a hard time letting go of that place because it was like letting go of my childhood, and letting go of all the memories I'd had there. My life revolved around that place for so long that part of me still felt attached.

But when I saw my fellow classmates graduate, it's like that door finally closed. Seeing that they were all graduating, all the kids I grew up with, and moving on from that school, I could finally let go. It's like the attachment that I had to that place has released.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I thought if there was any graduation I cried rivers at (besides my own, lol) it would be Best Friend Rosie's and Jazz's and all my old classmates. But I didn't. Not at all. Not even afterwards. Instead I almost just felt this...relief. It sounds awful, I know. And hell, I didn't even go there anymore, so it shouldn't have mattered anyway. But I was relieved, and I didn't know if it was more for me or for them. But one thing I know I was relieved about was this: although there were the select few kids still going there that I'd gone to elementary school with, the rest, I couldn't wait to never see them again. Which is normal to feel, I'm sure. Because as much as I'd liked some of the people that went there, others I couldn't wait to get away from. Adios, bitches. See you at the 20 year reunion.

ANYWAY, THAT WASN'T EVEN MY POINT. June 14th, right. Lol. Sorry!

My point was that when I saw Jazz at her graduation, it was...awkward at best. Considering before that, the last time we talked was before my birthday, which I was kinda upset about because she had not even wished me a happy birthday. Not once. Not even a birthday text. So that whole time we hadn't talked, even though I'd tried to text her. I thought I'd done something to piss her off, BUT, as it turned out, she'd been texting my old number for the whole two months we hadn't talked, and though that I was mad at her. Purely a mis-communication.

So, after mom told me to hurry up and get ready because I had a guest downstairs, she shut the door and left me to scurry around my room, flustered and confused because I hate it when people show up unannounced and I was also still trying to remember my own name. Eventually I figured out how to put some sweats on and I ventured downstairs, a bit wary. When I came into the living room, though, immediately Jazz explained to me what happened with the texting thing, also adding that she'd dropped her phone in the toilet and lost half of her contact information, which explains why she was texting my old number.

So after that I was less wary, but still cranky, which is why when Jazz asked if I wanted to go out for lunch, I almost immediately turned it down. Jazz asked why not, and I really couldn't come up with more of an excuse other than 'because I just woke up' and 'because I look like crap'. Jazz countered all of my excuses, and then my mom joined in, making it two against one and clearly I lost.

I went upstairs to shower after that, put together the cutest outfit I could for the weather (it was blazing hot, but I hadn't shaved my legs, haha. So white jeans it was!) and put my wet hair in a ponytail and put mascara on and sucked it up as we left the house and got into Jazz's car.

I was still pretty prickly as we drove away, but then as we talked and as we pulled into the Panda Express parking lot, I was feeling a little brighter. We walked into the restaurant (and this random guy said hi to us from his car for some reason, idk.) and got some food, and then I was in a much better mood.

We talked about a lot of stuff, basically just catching up on everything we'd missed the past few months, and when she asked how I'd been doing, I decided to just be honest and come clean about everything I'd been feeling and going through the past few months, and I mean everything. Like everything I've been whining about on here for months, lol. And then out of nowhere, we started talking about Rosie, and for some reason I started crying. In the middle of Panda Express. Yeah. Super embarrassing. But Jazz just sat patiently and understandingly, not embarrassed in the slightest. (But what we talked about, I'll save for another entry.)

So after I thoroughly embarrassed myself, and hardly ate any of my food, I got a takeaway box and we decided to go head to the bookstore to look around. After getting in the car, though, Jazz asked if I liked eclairs. I told her I had never had one, and she asked if I wanted to go by the bakery and try one. (But secretly, I know this is mostly just a ploy to get me to meet her boyfriend. I've seen her so little lately, he hasn't even come up on here, but they've been dating for a few months now. Online school kid like me, and he had gone to my old school before switching to online school. But I'd never actually met him before, since he went to my old school after I'd already left. She's been wanting me to meet him for a good while now, so I pretty much saw this coming, haha.) So I say sure, because who in their right mind would turn down a fresh pastry? NOT THIS GIRL.

So we head over to this place, and it's a cute little locally owned Dutch bakery, and as soon as you walk in you're greeted by 3 little table and chair sets and the smell of baking sweets. Super cute. And then while we're waiting while a couple ahead of us orders what they want, Jazz and I looked at everything they have. There's the desserts, of course, but then they have a bunch of Dutch and German candy and snacks, too. Did I mention I want to go back there? Because I do. Badly.

Then a guy who I assume to be her boyfriend, Dan*, comes out, and she greets him cheerfully. They exchange some cute couple-y banter, and then Jazz introduces us. He was slightly reserved, and tall, but seems very nice. It's not hard to see why Jazz would like this guy so much.

After all that, Jazz asks for an eclair, and I actually go for the tiramasu. (I know I know, I copped out. But I LOVE TIRAMASU.) Then I also get two candy necklaces, because they're fifty cents each. I pay for both of our stuff, and after taking to Dan some more, we eat our desserts. My tiramasu was made in heaven and then fell through the clouds and down to Earth. I swear. That stuff was unearthly. And when Jazz couldn't finish the last bite of her eclair, I ate it, and it was pretty dang good too. (A little bit too rich for my taste, though. But still good.)

So after finishing, and saying bye to Dan, we head over to Barnes and Noble. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for my wallet, I'd spent all of my money at the bakery (though to be fair I didn't have that much on me in the first place), so I couldn't buy anything while we were there. Because, hoo boy. Trust me. Did I want to buy things. I haven't been to the bookstore since my birthday (Yes! You heard right! Since my birthday. Don't know how I've survived this long tbh.) and I've accumulated quite a long 'to buy' book list. I almost had to physically restrain myself from stuffing books down my shirt and making a run for the doors, lol.

While we were there, my dad called to ask me what I wanted for dinner from the place that my mom and dad were eating for their anniversary (yeah, incidentally this was their anniversary, too. 31st anniversary. My heroes.) and I told him as quietly as I could because people were glaring at me because apparently answering phone calls in Barnes and Noble is against the law. So yeah, they'd order for me and just bring it home in a box for me. Outback Steakhouse. (It was delicious, btw.)

So when we were done at Barnes and Noble, and Jazz got a Father's Day gift for her dad, as well as a book I've been wanting for a good while (which I told her that she HAD to let me borrow asap!). And then we got back in the car, getting ready to head back to Jazz's house, where my parents would pick me up.

I remember the drive back to her house very vividly. As we were leaving the Barnes and Noble parking lot, I very specifically remember saying, "This was a nice day, wasn't it? This was fun." and then Jazz agreeing with me enthusiastically, and then we both agreed to do it more often. A few songs came on the radio that we liked, and we turned it up louder and obnoxiously sang along, and as we sang it began to rain, and we pointed out each raindrop as it fell on the windshield, because we're 10 year olds.

Then.

We were driving down a very busy main road, and it was oddly backed up for a good while. We wondered why until we saw a few police cars and an ambulance stopped by a stalled car. I also remember Jazz very specifically saying, "Do you think they hit a pedestrian?" while we gazed out the windows at it.

"I don't know," I said, staring. I couldn't see anyone hurt.

"That's what it looks like to me," said Jazz. "Like they hit a pedestrian."

Maybe 2 minutes later, it happened. We were literally 3 minutes from Jazz house, but still on the main road. Cars were still backed up, so we were going slightly slower than usual, and Jazz decides to get into the turning lane. We're going normal speed now, maybe 5 to 6 mph under the speed limit.

In not even two blinks, it happens.

For a split second I see this man darting through the cars in the lane next to ours. And then he LEAPS IN FRONT OF OUR CAR.

It seriously happens before I can process what's happening, and even when I think on it now, I only remember certain details.

I remember Jazz slamming on the breaks, but the immediate thought in my mind that we were going too fast and we wouldn't stop fast enough to avoid him.

I remember covering my eyes with my hands because I knew it wasn't going to turn out well.

I remember hearing him hit the car and crashing into the windshield, and the deafening sound of breaking glass.

I remember Jazz screaming loudly and then hearing myself screaming too, although I don't remember even stopping to think to scream. It's like it just tore out of me automatically, as a basic primal response, because I've literally never been so scared in my life and for a few seconds I genuinely thought, "What if I die right now?"

It was all over in a few seconds, but it felt like hours. For a moment or two Jazz and I just sat there going, "Oh my god, oh my god."

Then Jazz shouts, "Is he okay??"

And I shake my head and somehow say, "Go check, go check!" And I say somehow because at that moment I was in a huge daze, and I don't even know how I managed to formulate that response.

So Jazz jumps from her seat and throws the door open and then spins around and yells, "Call 911!" And it takes me a second to realize that she's talking to me, because I've never been in a situation where I've had to call 911 before. So after she gets out, I just sit there for another few moments before realizing that I need to take out my phone now and call 911.

I rummage through my purse for a good thirty seconds, almost panicking that I'd somehow lost my phone between then and Barnes and Noble, but I find it and then curse under my breath when I realize that the battery is low. I unlock the screen and stare at it some more, forgetting how it works all of a sudden, and then I remember and figure out how to dial the numbers with shaking hands. Then I forget to hit the talk button after dialing. And then I realize I've been sitting in the car this whole time, and I'm suddenly scared shitless of this car and I jump out of it and slam the door, almost not remembering to stay away from the traffic speeding by mere feet away from the car door.

(After telling my parents about this later, my mom tells me I was in shock, but I really just felt like an idiot. We hit a man with our car, for all I knew his life DEPENDED on me, and I couldn't remember how to use my phone to call 911.)

I walk to the other side of the car where I see Jazz knelt next to the man, who's laying down on the concrete median and bleeding from his head, and there are at least five or six other people there gathered around them both looking concerned. There was also other people stopped in their cars and looking on gape-mouthed in the lane next to ours and on the other side of the median. I briefly notice other random details--one of the guy's shoes right in front of me on the ground, along with his broken sunglasses, his other shoe a good fifteen feet away, and a chunk of his long hair stuck on the jagged edges of the windshield.

Meanwhile I was still trying to figure out how my phone worked. Eventually I successfully dialed it, and it was ringing, but by now there were 3 other people around me, including Jazz, that were on the line with operators already, and the line just kept ringing and ringing and because I wasn't in my right mind I got frustrated and hung up before anybody answered. Not smart, I know. Because in the following hour they kept trying to call me back, but I ignored all their calls. Also stupid. But I felt so worthless at that moment because it had taken me so long and Jazz was counting on me and I'd failed. And I also had the irrational fear that when they did pick up, I would have no clue what to say, because I couldn't think straight. Still pretty disappointed in myself for this, honestly. But I was just so freaked out.

So everyone was standing around the guy and he was groaning in pain(we found out later that he's my age, 19 years old), and there were two men, one in an Air Force uniform and one in a dress shirt and pants (business man?) stabilizing him and talking to him until the paramedics got there. Among the others there was a woman, and younger boy, maybe 13 or so, that looked like her son, and then another man that I can't even remember the face of. Again, they were all gathered around him, along with Jazz, and I was literally standing six feet away with my hands covering my mouth, frozen.

I swear I didn't do this on purpose, or consciously, it was just like I couldn't even make myself move. Adrenaline was still rushing through me and my heart was pounding and I was so scared. For him, for what just happened, and in general. I don't think I've been this scared in my life.

Police came much quicker than I'd expected, but they had literally been just yards away at the other accident, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. Then after the police came, the firemen and ambulance came all at once, only I don't even remember hearing their sirens coming, it was like they just appeared. I think it was around this time when it finally hit me and Jazz, because Jazz started to freak out. Up until then, she'd been surprisingly calm and collected and had handled it really well, but then she started to cry and hyperventilate. All I could do was try to soothe her and give her lots of hugs, and actually the other people there were trying to comfort her too, all telling her there was no way she could have seen him, even though they were complete strangers.

I told her I'd call her dad for her because she couldn't bring herself to do it, and suddenly I could remember how to use my phone again, and I was the calm one. It took a few numbers, but I got a hold of him and told him in the calmest voice I could manage that we'd been in an accident and that the other person was hurt, but we were both home. Thankfully, he was home at the time, and it took him five minutes to get there. After he got there and began comforting Jazz, I called my dad, and told him that me and Jazz would be a little late getting to her house because something happened, but that we were both okay and not to worry.

I didn't tell him right off the bat that I'd been in an accident because I know them so well and I KNOW they would have been worried sick and would have dropped everything to get to me, anniversary or not, but I would have felt awful for scaring them like that, especially after such a nice anniversary dinner. I figured it would just be better to tell them in person so that they could see that I was fine, that Jazz was fine, and that everything was okay. (They thanked me for this later, because my dad said, as I'd predicted, that they would have really freaked out if I told them over the phone.)

Everything else after that happened in a blur. The paramedics took the guy away in an ambulance, and then most of the other people left except for the mother and her son. (I wish I'd gotten the chance to thank the others, though, they were so nice to us.) A very handsome fireman asked us some questions (not even exaggerating. He looked like a model posing in a firemen costume in a calendar, not like an actual fireman.), and then a policeman asked us some questions after that. Another few firemen took Jazz's blood pressure, and then Jazz's brother and his wife showed up. After that, we filled out some forms, and the policeman took some measurements of the scene, and the firemen left while waving at us. Then the mom and her son left after  filling out witness forms, giving us both kind words of encouragement. And then it was all over, and then we left to Jazz's house.

Me and Jazz and Jazz's sister in law all rode in Jazz's dad's car, while her brother drove her car. Needless to say, when my parents saw Jazz's car drive up with a shattered windshield, they were shocked, but I explained everything right away so they didn't have time to freak out.

Since then, we've found out that the guy we hit is fine. Just got a deep cut on the back of his head and some bruises on his legs, which is actually a miracle, because he could be dead right now. I'm still amazed at this. It could have been so much worse. As soon as we'd hit him, I was sure he'd be dead, but he isn't, and with no broken bones to top it all off. You don't see that everyday, and I'm really so glad he's okay. (Also, weird fact--this guy named Brad* that Jazz and I went to school with and were in a band with very briefly, he has his own band now, and this kid--this kid that we hit--is the bassist in his band. I KNOW. What are the odds? Small world, really small world.)

Looking back, I still can't believe it happened. It was probably the scariest thing that I've ever been though. But, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad I went through it. Because that was first ever car accident, and it was Jazz's first car accident since getting her license. And I'm glad we were there for each other for this.

You know, before this day, I was unsure about where our friendship was going, and I was positive that we'd never be as close as we were before. But after June 14th, I'm sure of it: we'll be friends for life. I think this day was a sign that of that, and this whole thing made us even closer than before.

Also in a weird sort of way, I think it was fate. It sounds crazy, I know, but I mean, think about it. What if we had stayed in Barnes and Noble longer? What if we'd never gone to the bakery? What if we'd just stopped at Panda Express and then I went back home? Where would our friendship be? Would it be exactly like it had been before all of this happened?

Maybe it was a coincidence, but it was just the coincidence that our friendship needed. Despite all the crap we'd gone through our senior year, I for sure know it now: Jazz and I are meant to be friends.

And this is going to sound so screwed up and weird, so let me try and say this in the best way possible: Even this accident was awful, and I'll probably never see a pedestrian run across a busy street again without freaking out, also in a way, I'm glad it happened. Because it was my reality check.

For me it was just another reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how quickly it can change, and why that's why I can't live my life waiting around anymore. (A.k.a., the past three school years.) If I sit around waiting for things to happen, I end up sitting around and wasting my time, time I could have used doing something great. This sounds dramatic, but I've had to consider this: What if that accident had been much worse? What if everyone involved had been seriously injured, or worse? We're lucky that Jazz and I weren't, not to mention there was not a scratch on us. And even luckier that the guy wasn't seriously injured, or even dead.

It's a privilege for all of us to be alive right now. If I had gone having lived my life they way it's been......

I can't even finish that sentence. The thought itself horrifies me.

No more waiting.


No more being afraid to try.


No more living in my room day after day. 


I'm so tired of this. It's time to change. It's time to live.

For a few days after this had happened, I was still freaked out, and I was super sore, so I took it easy for a few days and got my rest. But now I'm okay.
I was mostly concerned about Jazz, considering she was the one driving, and considering her past and all (for  the record, her mom died in a car accident when she was 11) I was worried about how she'd take it, and for a while she was pretty upset, but I think she's doing all right, now. As far as I know, anyway. But I'm still worried, not gonna lie. Jazz tends to bottle things up when something's bothering her, so maybe I'll see when I see her in person next.

In the meantime, it's taking smaller steps to change for me. We found a great house, and it looks like that's the one we'll be moving to. We need to be out of this house by next Sunday, so this'll be the last week in this house. I'm excited about the new house, but I'm also still pretty sad about leaving this one.

I just need to cherish my last days in this house as best I can.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: jazz, life, scary stuff, summer

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