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 "This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." 
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Thursday, October 15, 2015 | 10:48 PM | 0Comment Internet!! Happy belated October!  It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys? As for me, things have been pretty good. BULLETPOINT TIME.
So other than being up to all those things, I finally went to have coffee with Jazz two weeks ago. (After many unsuccessful tries.)
As you could imagine, after all that weirdness between us for weeks, I was a little worried about the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect, if she would be annoyed with me the whole time, or vice versa. But ahead of time, I'd decided that I was going to confront her in some way. Not in an aggressive, accusatory way of course, because that's not my style anyway.
After she picked me up and we drove to a nearby Starbucks, and we had talked for a while comfortably like everything was normal, I finally, tentatively brought it up.
Opting to first ask the question I had been wondering for a while, and after telling her to be totally honest with me, I asked her, "Do you genuinely like hanging out with me? Be honest. I really want to know."
After considering it for a moment, she said easily, "Yeah, of course I do. Why?"
I was a little relieved, but I continued, "I just wonder if you do sometimes. Sometimes I'm not sure. Like...I don't want you to feel like you have to, you know?"
She nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But don't worry, if I didn't like hanging out with you I would just say so. You know me." And then she smiled. There was the Jazz I knew.
Hearing her say that was a huge relief to me. Jazz and I have (especially in recent years) been brutally honest with each other, and both of us have tried to be as open as we can with each other. This was something I tried my best to do with this coffee chat, and she did the same for me. It was a huge load off my shoulders, for sure.
Honestly, the whole parties-for-couples-only-and-no-singles thing still bothers me, but I've decided to let it go for now. Besides, if I ever brought it up to Jazz, she'd probably feel bad and invite me--which I would inevitably hate, because you guys KNOW how much I hate parties, hahaha.
So really, it doesn't make that much sense for me to be upset over it. And it helps a bit that Jazz mentioned inviting me to dinner sometime at the new house, so at least now I know she's not actively trying to block me from her life, or something.
Backing up a bit, way before I confronted her about the weirdness, I had asked her about her new life.
Turns out, married life is different from what Jazz was expecting.
I had expected her to feel that way, to be honest, considering everything my mom told me about her first year of marriage to my dad. (After their first year of marriage, my parents were separated for a few months--like totally living in different places away from each other. After those months, though, they decided to move back in with each other and work it out--and they've been together ever since, 35 years this year.) And from what I can tell, Jazz had expected some difficulty, but I don't think she had expected this much.
She confided in me that getting used to her new life was proving more difficult than expected. She said she thought it would just be like living with someone she really liked, but it's turned into much more than that.
Stuff like constantly cooking and making meals for 2, making lunches for her husband for when he goes to work (he can't cook even a little, apparently), doing constant cleaning and laundry straightening up has become a part of her everyday. In addition, the "we" part of her life is new--having to plan everything they do with him as a unit, not being able to do everything separately anymore.
She also said that her husband needs a lot of reassurance--he's always been that way, she said, but it's been even more than usual lately. And she said that his personality is much more dependent than she had realized. (Picture the look of barely restrained horror in my eyes as she said that. Clingy = my worst nightmare.)
Also, one of her other friends, who is older (40ish?) and who she met through her husband's old boss, is apparently really dependent and needs constant attention as well, so that's something else Jazz has been dealing with lately. With all of this going on, no wonder she hadn't had time to hang out with me.
About the big change of lifestyle, I told her that she'll probably get used to all the changes with time. "It'll feel like second nature soon. Just give it some time to settle," I said to her.
She'd nodded in agreement, a slightly worn look on her face.
Among the topics of conversation, our ex-classmates came up as well.
Guess how many more people from our old school are now engaged or married?
5.
Yep. Seriously, is there something in the water here or something? What the hell is going on?????????
Two of them are a pair that have been together since the 9th grade, and I gotta say, I'm happy for them. They're cute as heck. They're like Troy and Gabriela come to life. (A sweet, smart girl, and the tall popular basketball player. You can't make this stuff up.) Engaged. And totally made for each other. The high school match of everyone's dreams.
Another two who got engaged have been together since high school too--and the guy? I had a huge crush on him in the 3rd and 6th grade.
In the 3rd grade, I teased him because I had no clue how to express my feelings properly. I'd pinch him hard on the arm and then run away cackling because I got to touch him, and I'd stick my foot out to trip him and then apologize later because I'd feel bad.
In the 6th grade, he was the first boy to ever reject me, and consequently the first boy to ever make me cry in the girl's bathroom. I swore I was in love with him, and even though he was half a foot shorter than me, I didn't care. (It wasn't love after all. But he has blue eyes you could fall into and never come out of--I still stand by this. I do not, however, stand by the embarrassing short stories I'd written about how we would get together in our 20's and fall in love. Soooo embarrassing.)
Crazy for me to think that he'll be getting married. (The girl I don't know well, she was two grades below us. She was the younger sister of someone in our grade, and I may have accidentally freaked her out once? Oops?) I'm happy for him, of course. I hope everything works out for them.
The last of the 5? Johnny.
He got married.
Johnny...is married. What.
Yeah. And I'd had no idea until Jazz had told me. He literally got married 3 weeks ago.
One thing I haven't talked about on here yet is what I've recently (this year) found out about Johnny. I've long since realized that Johnny has issues. Drug issues, personality issues, etcetera.
But one thing I hadn't known about Johnny this entire time was the fact that he's abusive.
A few months ago, Jazz had told me, for the first time, that during their friendship and very, very brief relationship (look here, here and here) Johnny was physically abusive towards her. He beat her up. And this whole time, she'd never said anything for fear of what people would say to her.
When she said this to me, I was shocked, to say the very least. To my very core.
Even though I'm nowhere near friends with Johnny anymore, I had never really imagined that he would be capable of such a thing. But that's what family and friends sometimes say who are close to abusers (or worse, rapists), right? They never think it could be true, that they could be capable of something so disgusting. And to even for one second suspect that Jazz could've been lying would be unspeakably awful.
Honestly, having the realization that the only close guy friend that I've ever had in my whole life is physically violent was devastating. I couldn't believe I had misjudged him so severely. Towards me, Johnny'd had his mean moments. Moments when I had genuinely thought that he was a terrible person. On the flip side, though, sometimes I have flashbacks of the good times. Talking on the phone with him, texting for hours, helping him shop for new clothes at the mall, trying a cinematic, running jump hug with him in the hallway at school, him warming up my hands at football games when I was cold.
But just because someone can be sweet and fun sometimes, it doesn't mean that they can't be capable of cruelty and violence.
Johnny is a filthy, lowlife abuser. And now he's married.
I don't know who that girl is that he married, but...God. I feel sorry for her. I hope she's okay. And I hope that she'll be okay. I really, honestly do.
I can't imagine how it must feel for Jazz to hear about her abusive ex getting married, especially just months after her own wedding. Must be weird as hell. And surreal.
The three of us were best friends in the 9th grade. I still have a picture of the three of us at freshman homecoming. My, how quickly time changes things.
Despite some of the topics we'd talked about, the coffee date between Jazz and I ended on good note, driving with the windows down in her mini cooper back to my house.
Seeing my ex-classmates morphing into their adult selves continues to be a weird, wildly confusing time for me.
Aside from being busy and watching these changes unfolding from afar, I've been--once again--getting sucked in by Tinder.
It's worth noting that I still haven't deleted my OkCupid account yet. The thought of logging in again and addressing the 17 messages I haven't replied to fills me with such despair that I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Ugh.
So, in the meantime, I've redownloaded Tinder for the 4th time. (Oy.)
Honestly though, if I had to compare the two: I like Tinder better. Why? Because in getting to choose who I swipe right on (which is very, very selectively) I am also, in turn, choosing who gets to message me.
Essentially, on Tinder I'm only getting messaged by the guys that I would want to talk to. So I don't have to deal with a mass of "Hey. What up?" messages that fill me with misery.
I haven't met anyone in person yet, and I'm not sure I would want to anyway. I'm not really interested in going on dates at the moment, so that's why.
But I absolutely don't object to having a nice conversation with some cute guys, texting them and whatnot. It's kinda fun, and at least that way I get some practice talking to guys so I don't get too awkward with them again. (Okay, I'm still awkward with them. But at least I'm less awkward with them than I used to be!)
If I start talking to someone and I think meeting in person would be fun? Sure, I'd do it.
But I'd have to talk to them a lot beforehand and get somewhat comfortable with talking to them, like I did with Kenneth and Brennan. Both of them were totally cool with that, and it helped me be less apprehensive when the time came to meet them. So that's pretty important to me.
Also, I haven't met anyone this time that I've had that much interest in. (Also hey, isn't that new 'Super Like' feature kinda weird? The only people who 'super like' me are in their thirties. What's up with that?)
Most of my matches haven't tried talking to me, and I'm not sure if that means they want me to message first, but I don't really care either way, so.
As the weather gets colder, I'll be having more decorating to do, more kdramas to binge watch and more jobs to apply for. Also, I might be either Louise from Bob's Burgers or Left Eye for Halloween.
Let's hope Tinder doesn't get me swept up in a whirlwind of stress this time, shall we?
xo Hopeless Romantic
Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder Birthdays and Dreams.}
Thursday, April 5, 2012 | 12:39 PM | 0Comment Internet. Guess who's officially nineteen years old? I AM. WOOOOOOOOO. Looks like it's time for me to change the blog title again. My last teenage year. Kind of boggling. My birthday crept up so quickly this year that the on the 28th, I was doing something and I suddenly stopped and said to myself, 'Whoa. Tomorrow's my birthday.' It came up SO quick, in fact, that I never even planned anything for it. Originally, about two months ago, I was thinking that it would be nice to go to a sushi place with Jazz and Rosie for a nice dinner (since I've basically gone to Red Lobster every birthday since my 10th. I.....really like Red Lobster, okay.) buuut that was thrown under the bridge when 1. Jazz told me she was going to California for spring break and couldn't go and 2. when Rosie told me on the day before my birthday that she was going to New Mexico. Sooo, yeah. That plan was pretty much demolished. But then when I found out about this, I told my mom and she promised to take me shopping on my birthday. Which was then promptly destroyed also because of our car deciding to develop problems and stop running later that day. Yeah, I know. It sucked. When my birthday finally arrived, I was a little bummed that I wouldn't get to do anything special for my birthday (let alone leave the house at least), but later on me and mom had a mini kid/animated movie marathon, and I felt better. (But we didn't watch Toy Story 3, because I'm fairly certain that if I cried every other time I've watched that movie, I'd be weeping my eyes out watching it on my 19th birthday. Mercy.) So then when my dad got off from work (he drove a rental all day) he was awesome enough to let me call in a Red Lobster order and then went to go pick it up, along with four chocolate cupcakes with cookies and cream whipped cream frosting (my favorite ever). SO, that was plenty enough for me, to be honest. Plus, I got happy birthday texts from my family all day and birthday tweets from my friends, and that really made my day too. (But, cough cough, as for my best friends, I only got a birthday text from Rosie. Jazz didn't send one. And...still hasn't a whole week later. Ahem.) Oh, and I also got $75 dollars in birthday money. Yay for not being broke! But I will be again soon because this weekend I'm going shopping with it, haha. Bye money. Prepare to be spent on books and spring clothes. SO. Some updates. A few weeks ago, I went to Rosies house and we talked about a bunch of stuff. Like the Ricky Bobby thing. Which........turned out not to be a Ricky Bobby thing after all. Hah. At least, not THAT Ricky Bobby. Relief, right?? Well, this had to do with a different Ricky Bobby, and incidentally, it's the same Ricky Bobby that caused me and Rosie to have the biggest fight of our friendship back in the seventh grade. I mentioned him before in this entry. For the sake of no confusion, though, let's just call him Pre-RB. As in, the ricky bobby before THE Ricky Bobby. I guess it was this whole thing with Rosie and her group of friends starting to hang out with Pre-RB and some of his buddies regularly after school, and Rosie started to develop a small crush on Pre-RB (which honestly I'm repulsed by the thought of, not because I have any residual feels left for him but just because I cannot even FATHOM what I'd seen in him. Seriously, he's an asshole. What were you thinking, Fifth Grade through Seventh Grade Sarah?!) So then Rosie tells Jezebel this, and then a few days after that, Jezebel confronts Rose and basically says, 'I didn't want to tell you this, because you're my best friend and I don't want this to come between us, but I like Pre-RB too.' Which is, you know. Bad. But, Jezebel then tells Rose that she WILL NOT (capslock underline italics, NOT) go after him or try anything, promises her. And so things are fine for a while. Like for a month or so. You know, until Rosie finds out that Jezebel did the exact opposite thing she promised she would. Yup. Not only does Jezebel begin dating Pre-RB behind Rosie's back, but she also TELLS Pre-RB about Rosie's crush on him. So while Rosie, unaware of this whole thing and thinking that she's slowly getting closer and closer to her crush, Jezebel is lying to her face the whole time. Messed up, right? Especially considering that that's almost the exact thing that happened to Rose and I with Pre-RB in the seventh grade. But, yeah. Same guy. Same girl. Another friend. This is why I don't mess with no Ricky Bobbies no more. NO MORE. So yeah. And the funny part is that when Rosie caught them, Jezebel was the one acting most upset, not Rosie. I had a feeling this would happen again. Because that's the thing, this isn't the only time Jezebel has come between Rose and a guy she liked. In fact, this is the third time. THE THIRD TIME. Rosie tells Jezebel she has a crush on some guy, Jezebel acts happy for Rose, Jezebel swoops in on the guy and dates/has sex with him, Rosie's left dumbfounded and stabbed in the back. Repeat two more times. I don't know how Best Friend Rose has put up with this, honestly. And with all the other things Jezebel has put her through, I would have lost my mind. I would have left at the first sign of backstabbery. But, Rosie can be a bad judge of character sometimes. Well, a lot. Well...most of the time. Haha. But I just hope that this really is the last straw, that she doesn't stick around only to have this happen again. She has a new boyfriend (not official yet, I think? but from what I've heard, he's really great. She met him on OKCupid, actually!) and she plans on not telling Jezebel about him at all. SO. Speaking of Ricky Bobbies. I woke up this morning pretty disturbed. Because why? You guessed it. A Ricky Bobby dream. You know, I haven't had one in a while. A really long time, actually. Actually no, that's a lie. I had one like a month ago, and he was in it, but I only vaguely remember that it wasn't romantic, and that he only appeared for a little bit and then disappeared again. So yeah, there was that one. But THIS ONE. Ugh. This one. I don't exactly remember how it started out, but I was hanging out with Rosie somewhere, with her car, and for some reason my dog Sandy was there. And then we bump into Johnny and Ricky Bobby, somehow. So we all hug and exchange pleasantries. Apparently me and Rose were on our way into the mountains for a trip or something. And Johnny tells us, hey, we were on our way up there too! So he suggests to us all that we go together. Meanwhile, I feel Ricky Bobby staring at me. We all agree, although my agreement was sort of hesitant. Somehow, it's like my subconscious has no patience for the details, because next thing I knew we were in the mountains already. We arrive at a big fancy resort, and after (I guess) settling all our things in our respective rooms at the hotel, we all walk around and look at everything. I'm walking Sandy around on her leash, maybe something to help distract from the fact that Ricky Bobby keeps trying to start a conversation with me, because for whatever reason I don't want to talk to him at all. In fact, I keep trying to avoid even looking at him. Anyway, it's getting later into the afternoon, and we're sitting at an outdoor table in front of a restaurant or something. I had loosely tied Sandy's leash to the bench of the table so I wouldn't have to hold it, and then something exciting catches her attention, and she shoots off like a rocket. I scramble up from the table and call her, but she doesn't slow down, so I sprint after her. She runs into this huge shopping center thing, and it's super crowded, so I start to lose her. Up until now, I didn't even realize that Ricky Bobby had ran after me, but then I pause and turn around and he's right behind me, panting. Bewildered, I ask him what he's doing, and he says he's helping me get my dog. So we run around for a bit (which by the way, I have NO idea how Sandy was so fast in this dream, considering in real life she's super chubby and middle aged. Lol.) and then we finally spot her laying down on the sidewalk by a restaurant, panting and enjoying being petted by the surrounding strangers. I snatch up her leash and hesitantly thank Ricky Bobby, who seems enamored by my dog as well. (Why did I bring her, anyways? Who brings their 100 pound lab on vacation?!) He humbly tells me I'm welcome, and then we both head back to our friends in silence. Later, I guess we all decide to go out for dinner, and when were in the restaurant, Ricky Bobby sits down across from me, and he stares at me then, too. (Maybe a parallel to the Noodles trip irl?) Skip to the next day, and the whole day, Ricky Bobby walks right next to me, talks to me, tries to get my attention. I get the sense that he knows that I don't want to be around him, and that he knows why, and that it's making him sad. At some point during the day, I finally get a good look at him, and realize how much he's changed. He looks like Ricky Bobby still, but more refined in a manly way, taller and more rugged, and devastatingly gorgeous. Looking at him directly brings back a whole wave of emotions that I hadn't wanted to confront, but--as always, it seems--it's like I fall victim to his spell and I can't stay away from him. By the end of the trip (I don't remember how long it was, days maybe?), RB and I had spent the whole time practically attached at the hip (lol I don't know what BFR and Johnny have been doing during all this.). Apparently me and Rose have to leave before Johnny and RB do, so we're saying our goodbyes in the hotel lobby. After I say goodbye to Johnny and hug him, when I go to say bye to RB, we just kind of stand there awkwardly, no hug or anything. And then, quietly, says to me that we should do it again sometime, and I shyly agree. And then I woke up. So...yeah. Probably doesn't mean anything at all, but interesting anyway. I'll be spending my first month of being 19 busting my ass for school. But I have more I want to write about, so expect to hear from me anyway! xo Hopeless Romantic (PS: Wrote this in IE. Crap. I'll fix the format later. No picture for now~) Labels: best friend rose, birthday, dreams, johnny, pre-rb, ricky bobby Month One of My Legal Adult Life Down, 984 to Go.}
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 | 9:38 PM | 0Comment  Internet, so much has happened in my first month of being 18 that I can't even begin to tell you.Lol okay, not really. Nothing too exciting, per say,(as in any boy news and such) but you know me, I'm gonna tell you anyway. First, my birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had since my 15th birthday (15th was an 80's theme, I kid you not. 8o's music galore, big hair, a basement decorated with so many balloons and streamers you would not believe it, and 13 Going On 30. Best birthday party ever.) I didn't have a party, but I kind of hate parties now, so. (I used to love parties. Now I cringe when I hear the word. I think it was High School that made me hate them and all things associated with them.) BUT, I did 1.) Go to the bookstore. My freaking haven. I would have been satisfied with just this alone, seriously. 2.) Go Chick-Fil-A for lunch, mostly just so I could have their glorious fries. 3.) Get a new rug and lamp for my room. I'm just finishing redecorating it, and it's red and black and epicness. 4.) Get a freaking IPOD TOUCH. Which is a relief, as well as being exciting, because my old grandpa iPod had lived with me since the 7th grade and it was slowly approaching the last of its days. I could barely listen to music with it off the charger, and the battery would die within 45 minutes. Sad to see it go (I get sentimental, okay? Haha), but I love my new iPod. It's all touch-screeny and high tech. I feel like I'm finally in 2011 now. Yay for technological advances! 5.) Have dinner at Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant forever) with Best Friend Rose, Jazz (more on that later), and my parents. Delicious. And it was awesome of them to come even with school the next day, since we had different Spring Breaks. 6.) Have a cookies and Cream ice cream cake with a big fat '18' candle on it. 7.) Get a new big fat bow headband, new leggings, Hello Kitty lights and a Harry Potter notebook from Best Friend Rose. (I practically screamed from joy when I saw them. She knows me so eerily well sometimes, it freaks me out. Seriously. But in a good way.) 8.) Watch k-dramas until I fell asleep. It was seriously THE BEST birthday I've had since my 15th. Beats my birthday last year by a long shot. I just remember going to bed with the biggest smile on my face. And it meant even more because things are particularly tight for my family right now (well, things are always tight, but even more right now) and it meant the world to me that even though we're going through a rough time financially, my parents still put in all this effort for me to have a good birthday. It meant the world. So, AWESOME birthday. Then came four days later when I got the stomach flu for the second time in six months. Yes. I somehow got the stomach flu again. And it was waaaay worse this time. I survived, obviously, but man did that suck. You know what else sucks? Doing the ACTs within days of having the stomach flu. YES INTERNET. I had to do my ACTs the weekend after being sick, meaning that I had just begun to stop feeling like a sore, dizzy stick figure. (I lost 8 pounds when I was sick. I looked like a lollipop having a terrible hair day. Assuming I would have hair as a lollipop, for some reason.) I think I did decently, well hopefully. It's all kind of a blur. But I did happen to see a guy there that went to my old school, who I've known since the 6th grade, and we sat together and talked during break. It was a nice surprise to see someone I knew there, and it was sweet of him to even come over at all. It was very nice. So after that nightmare, a few days later, I went shopping for spring clothes with giftcards that I got for my birthday. Shopping is always relevant, period. And so since all of that, I've been busy catching up from being sick for 3 days and keeping pace with my schoolwork. And it's been good. One thing that's (kind of) notable, though, is the voicemail from Johnny and Ricky Bobby from last entry. I haven't talked to either of them since November, so it really came as a surprise to me. A pleasant surprise, actually. I thought they'd forgotten all about me. I also got a birthday wall post from Ricky Bobby, one that said, "happy birthday, sarah!!!!!!!" with that many exclamation points. It was cool of them to remember, or see the notification on Facebook, at least. (Which I only recently found out, like within the past hour, that RB deleted. Yup. Deleted his Facebook. He goes through these love/hate stages with social networking sites, he deletes his and then makes a new one like three months later. I swear. Don't ask why, I have no idea. But that was my last means of contact with him, besides Johnny, so idk.) I didn't call Johnny back, so now he probably things that he didn't have the right number in the first place, but oh well. I can tell what you're thinking, Internet. I'm going to blow this way out of proportion, like last time. (see entries from last april through july-ish) I'm going to over-analyze everything and pick apart every word from that voicemail. Right? Am I right? Well, I surprisingly haven't. After I got it, not gonna lie, I thought about it a little while, but then I moved on. I'm doing pretty dang okay, Internet. I'd say I'm doing pretty dang okay. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: birthday, johnny, junior year, ricky bobby, school A Belated Birthday Voicemail (courtesy of Johnny and Ricky Bobby):}
| 9:55 AM | 1Comment Johnny: SARAH. SARAAAAH. Okay say what you want to say to Sarah. Labels: birthday, johnny, junior year, ricky bobby, shenanigans |
