There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet, hey!!

So. I've been pretty busy the past month, which is why I haven't updated, and guess what for?

Preparation. For. School.

Yup. You read that right. School. Me. Going to school. After waiting for two years--but really, more like 5 years. Sitting in an actual classroom, listening to an actual lecture, having actual homework. For the first time in 5 whole years.

Mind blown, right?

I started last week. It's still really surreal...I didn't think it would feel real until I stepped through the doors of the campus on my first day. It felt sort of real then, and then felt sort of real on my second day. I think it'll feel sort of real doing and then submitting my first real homework too.

I think it'll finally feel like a solid, tangible, real thing that's happening when going to class becomes routine, and I get used to it. Maybe it hasn't fully hit me yet because it still feels like a special occurrence, like a two time thing and then that's it.

But still...it's happened. After all this time, it's happened.

Let me tell you all about the craziness leading up to it:

I knew I wanted--no, NEEDED--to start school this semester, or I would go completely raving, twitching, chair throwing insane. The anticipation has been building and building inside of me since this time last year, especially considering how things collapsed and didn't work out then. Ever since, I've been thinking restlessly about it.

I'd been feeling especially...how do I put it? Kind of...pathless. I'd been feeling especially pathless lately. Kind of empty. For a bit, I was okay with my lifestyle: no school and no job to fill my time, spending it bettering myself and doing things that I liked to do. But in recent months, that wasn't enough anymore. The things I filled my time with before were fragile and shallow, and only kept me happy for so long before I felt miserable again.

Not to mention that goals I had once set for myself had disappeared somewhere along the way, making me feel like my future was non-existent. That's how I knew that it was time now for school, for real this time.

So, I worked hard.

I studied for the placement test I had to take to place me into my beginning classes, and I went to the testing center and took it. I met with a guidance counselor to help me choose classes, I applied for financial aid (all for pretty much nothing in the end, but I'll get to that in a second), I registered for classes. I got it all done.

Now, unfortunately, because of some unforeseen complication with financial aid (not having the required paperwork for it, long story short my parents have not done their taxes yet because of financial issues and got an extension, but I can't get financial aid without my parents having that done) I had to drop 2 of my original 3 classes, giving me only 1 class to start out with this semester. (So that we could afford to pay for school out of pocket, since it's a community college.) I was pretty disappointed about that at first, especially because one of the classes I had to drop was ballet, which, if you've read this blog for a while now, you'd know that I've been wanting to take that for 2 YEARS NOW, haha. But, oh well. Maybe next semester?

So now, I'm taking English Composition, and I have class twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Easiest schedule ever, right? But I think it's the perfect way to ease my way back into school; not too much at once, and with a subject that I enjoy. Plus, my professor is cool. She used to be a screenwriter, and her and her husband run a karate dojo.

 I bought a cute cheap backpack online(baby pink and floral pattern!), some notebooks and pens and a binder, and now I'm taking this one day at a time. Even if it's only 1 class, it's a huge deal for me.

I'm finally doing something real with my life now. It's small, but it's something.

Plus: I made a classmate friend, Katherine*. She talked to me first on the first day of school, told me she liked my skirt. She's 19, almost 20, and took a year off between high school and college, and spends all her free time on the internet, like me! Hahaha. We've agreed to be each other's life line to the class, in case one of us is absent one day and we need the assignment, and so on. I was worried I wouldn't make any friends at all, let alone so soon, so this is a huge relief for me, and I feel really grateful.

Big steps and little steps, Internet. Big steps and little steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ballet, college, firsts, school

Hello, reader.

You may or may not know who I am, or what my blog is. But if you found this entry, hello. I wrote this for you, and you only!

Hah. Kidding. I don't even know you. But I do know that if you've found this specific entry of mine, then it means you're either in online school, or about to enroll in online school, have a child in online school, or are just distantly remotely interested in online school. And I'm sure you've been looking for some outside opinions of online school, or if you're interested in it, are looking to see how kids in online schools like it. I know I was.

Before I started online school, and when I was just starting it at the beginning of my sophomore year, I had never even heard of the concept of online school before. Seriously. I didn't know anybody involved in online school, I never heard or saw advertisements for them, I hardly even understood what it was. And before I started, I wish I had someone to tell me all of the quirks, challenges, and all-around aspects of online schooling. Well, you found me. So I'm your girl! My name is Sarah, nice to meet you.

My goal here is to not glamorize my good experiences and not exaggerate my bad ones. My goal is to tell you, random Internet citizen, my complete honest opinion and experiences of my online school career. There will be plenty of people that don't feel the same way I do, and I can't claim to know how other people feel about their online school experience. I will, however, tell you completely and honestly how I feel about it, and you may interpret them as you may.

So, let's start with the Pros, shall we?

1. First, the most obvious: Pajamas. Oh, yes. The most obvious and probably single-handedly the best aspect of online school. Wake up in the morning, have some breakfast. Get dressed. No? Don't feel like it? Well, good news! YOU DON'T HAVE TO. No muss and fuss of getting ready in the morning whilst being half awake, trying to flat iron your hair without dropping the iron on your face or accidentally squeezing Neosporin on your tooth brush instead of toothpaste. (That hasn't happened to you? Just me? Oh okay.) Just get up, eat, and dive in. Plus, you can sleep in later than kids who go to brick and mortar. (That phrase is a homeschooler thing. You'll get used to it.) Mornings are 70% percent less painful. Except Monday mornings, I can't promise anything about Monday mornings.
2. Breakfast? Lunch? Real meals? I forgot those existed. See, when I went to a brick and mortar school (a private school from Preschool all the way into the ninth grade, to be exact) I was so used to...not really eating until dinner time. What I mean is that I didn't eat a lot of good meals until dinner most of the time. I'd get up for school, rush to get ready for school, and sometimes if I was lucky I'd get to bring a Poptart or dry cereal in the car for breakfast. It would fill me up for a little while, and then from about 9 am on I would be starving to death until lunchtime. In elementary school I packed lunches, but for middle school I got 'hot lunches'. Hot lunches meant nachos from the cafeteria, some candy from the vending machine, and soda. Yeah. Not the best meal. The funny thing is, after I started online school, I actually learned to cook for myself, and I trimmed down a little bit because I was eating healthier. And not only did I trim down, but I started to feel better too, and had more energy. Not that I'm saying that all online school kids can cook, but having those different options at home could end up being much healthier. But onto my next point...
3. Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies. Cooking was just one of the hobbies I picked up after I started online school. (Although I remember this once instance during sophomore year when I finished work early one day, and so I decided on impulse to bake a cake. No joke. I baked a cake. And it was delicious.) Finding that I had much more free time during the day than I used to, considering I would finish school work around 12 or so rather than 2 or 3, I would start looking for things to do. Before I knew it, I was reading all the time, which I loved before, but I love even more now. Then, I discovered a love for writing, and I did that in my free time too. And drawing. (In fact, this blog is something I frequented on a lot.) And that's why you see tons of homeschooled kids with crazy talents because we have all this free time to work on stuff that we love to do. And as a result of that, we're not going off and doing stupid, dangerous things just because we're bored. Honestly, the whole time I was in online school, I was never bored. I ALWAYS had something to do, whether it was school work or one of my many hobbies, and honestly there's nothing more fulfilling. 
4. See a snowstorm in the forecast for tomorrow or the next day? Buckle down today and do today's work, and then do the work for the day that the snowstorm's supposed to roll in. And BAM. Looks like you got a snow day. Do it, seriously. You get the day off in the end, and when you tell people you did two day's work in one, they'll think you're like a prodigy or something. It's effing awesome.
5. I took school more seriously. As long as I'd been going to my old brick and mortar private school, I did...okay. Grade wise. Just enough to get by. I never studied, and yet still managed to pass my classes, so I never felt the need to try harder. The curriculum was more challenging than public school would have been, yet, since I'd gone to the private school my whole life, I didn't feel the challenge. It wasn't until I switched to online school that I felt challenged, because here's the thing: You actually have to do the work. Imagine that. And here's what I wish someone would have told me before I started: You don't read your textbook and do the assignments? Nice try. It'll get you through the lessons quicker, but guess what? You don't pass. You fail your quizzes, you fail your tests, and that's that. In brick and mortar, if you're real careful, you can get away with copying your friend's worksheet or homework. But this? Nope. That doesn't fly. Which means you're all on your own and you actually have to...gasp...learn. I can honestly say I remember more of what I've learned in Science and Math in my three years of online school than what I learned through all of middle school and my freshman year. Really. 
6. More individualized learning. Despite being at home and doing my work by myself, my teachers were always available when I needed their help. 'Teachers?' you say. 'But how could you have teachers? It's all online.' Correct you are, compadre. But the awesome thing about online school is that it's online. You know, where super fast lightning speed email is. And also IM. And they can even be contacted over the phone, if you prefer to do it that way. Some teachers work at a main office, and some work from home (depends on which school you use), but the point is that they're almost always available. I have to admit, when I first started online school, this concept freaked me out a little. Calling and emailing your teachers almost seemed too personal, or too weird, at first. But emailing systems are usually only on the school website, so neither of you are using personal accounts. Also, the majority of the time teachers use business lines for school, so no worries about calling them at a bad time or while they're on the phone with their Great Aunt Gertrude, or something. It's all legit. And they can help you when you need it, right there on the spot, rather than you having to wave your hand frantically from the back of the classroom to get their attention, or, ugh, having to speak up and ask a question when no one else is (I had always HATED doing that. So embarrassing.). Just make sure you get the help when you need it, because if you never ask anyone for help on a concept or an assignment and you need it a lot, that's when things get messy.
7. I learned self motivation. One thing I definitely didn't have before online schooling was self motivation. Like I mentioned before, I hardly ever did my work in brick and mortar. If I did do it, it was because I rushed and half-assed through the worksheet at the end of class so I wouldn't have to take it home. Or I got a study hall that semester and rushed through it then, but even then, I wasn't really trying. So after I started online school, I found myself actually wanting to try. So then I did try. And I did really well. And I learned that I was much smarter than I gave myself credit for. So when I did well, I continued to try my best at everything I did for school. Sometimes I didn't do well, and when I didn't, I picked myself up and tried even harder the next time. This gave me a sense of confidence in school that I'd never had before, and now I know that I am smart and I can do well in school. That's why I'm not scared about college work, because I know that if I set my mind to it, that I can do it. And that's more than I could've said after all of my years of my old private school. That's saying something, I think.
8. Maturity? Check. Self Esteem? Check. Okay. I don't want to toot my own horn here. But when I think about how I was before I started online school...it's startling. I was so different. And not necessarily in the good way. My self esteem was non-existent. Really. I had none. I was the girl that did everything everyone else did because I felt I didn't fit in. I wore what everyone was wearing, I acted how everyone else acted, I did what everyone else did. I wanted to feel normal, so I did these things so I could feel normal. Except that never worked. Not even a little bit. I still felt inferior to everybody. It sounds so cliche and over dramatic, but honestly? Online school helped me find myself. I had been trying so hard to be everyone else--anyone else but me--that I didn't even know who 'me' was. Being by myself a little bit more often, and learning to function in school without my peers surrounding me all the time, gave me the chance to think about what my goals were, what my interests were, what I liked to do and liked to wear and liked to listen to. It gave me time to think about what my morals where, and what was most important in my life. And not only has that made me a bit more mature, at least more than I'd been at my old school, it's made me happier too. Nothing better than that.

Labels: homeschool, homeschooling, online school, online schooling, pros and cons of online school, school, virtual school, what is online high school like, what is online school

Internet.

I did it. I made it. And it's official now.

I am officially out of High School, and I have the diploma to prove it.
First off, remember how it said in the last entry that me finishing all my work hadn't hit me yet? Well Friday, the day I had grad rehearsals, it finally did.

I had to wake up balls early--freaking 5 am--so we could leave on time to make it there by 9. The school that the graduation was at was two towns away, and a really really long drive, so we had to leave by 6. Yeah. So after facing the trauma of waking up that early (I haven't had to wake up before the sun comes up in a verrrry long time), drive-thru breakfast, and the 2 hour drive, we finally arrived.

I guess this hadn't occured to me before we got there, but the school that grad was at was still in full swing,which makes sense. Even for being seniors, my school's seniors got out of school pretty early compared to other schools'. So when we pulled into the school, there were school buses, kids standing around the parking lot, and kids walking onto the campus. And it hit me like a ton of bricks--this was a real high school. A real high school that I was about to graduate at. Because I'm done with High School. Forever.

The weight of it just hit me so suddenly like that and it took everything in me not to immediately start crying.

Were they happy tears? Was it sadness? I think it was a little bit of both.It finally just hit me that I was about to graduate, and I had no more High School left, and it really was over, and I never had to set foot on a high school campus ever again after this. On one hand, I hated High School. I hated dealing with people my age, I hated being required to take math classes, and I hated feeling like I never fit in. On the other hand, I liked it. A lot. And I know one day I'm going to miss it. Because I'll never be this young again, and this was a one time shot. No more school dances, no more detentions (although I got away from those for good three years ago, haha), no more.

I've been through a lot during my 4 years of high school. Some good, some really bad, but I got through it in the end. I honestly feel like now that I've gotten through this, I can get through anything.

Yesterday, it rained during my graduation. The forecast had said there was a slight chance of it, and they had planned some things in advance if it really had, but come early Saturday morning, boy was it coming down. I mean, pounding down rain, and freezing wind. And I was wearing a white lace sundress with white sandals under my gown. Hahaha. Yup.

At first, when we all got there by 8:30, we were waiting around and they told us that we may have it inside instead.Which would have actually sucked, because then they would have it in the small auditorium with just two family members able to sit inside and watch, and then have the rest of the guests sit in the cafeteria and broadcast it via a live feed on a projection screen (which would have really sucked for them). But then, when 9:45 rolled around, they decided the would definitely postpone it till 11 instead of having it at 10. More waiting.

In the middle of all this waiting, though, I made some friends. On the day of practice, most of all of us just stayed silent and stayed out of each other's way, considering none of us actually knew each other. But yesterday, I think we'd finally warmed up to each other, and everyone was chatting with everyone.

Early on in the day, about 20 minutes after I'd gotten there, I met Karly*. She was down to Earth, had tattoos, and was funny. Me and her basically hung out the whole day, which was a relief after the day before. I also met her two younger brothers and her boyfriend of 5 years. Also cool. She told me that they'd started dating in the 8th grade and even though she'd moved twice since then, they stayed together. Respect.

And it was sort of random, but the day before, I recognized a guy in my class. He'd actually gone to my old school with me, but he had been in the grade above mine. Another Ricky Bobby, if you'd believe it. Ricky Bobby 3.0. I talked to him super briefly, and he didn't recognize me at first, but after I told him I went to school with him, he said I looked familiar. So, yeah. Crazy right? Huh. Small world.

I also met two other Sarahs on graduation day, haha. One was really shy, but nice, and she had black and blonde hair. She hung out with me and Karly part of the time. The other Sarah was SUPER short, like 4'8 short, but outgoing and hilarious. She swore like a sailor and had a tongue ring. She stood in line and sat down by me and Karly during the ceremony. She actually wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to walk in the ceremony, because like me she'd barely made it through all her work last week, and she didn't know if she'd passed it all. Despite that, she drove all the way to the ceremony, even knowing she might get turned away. Balls man, balls. So yeah, she was awesome too. Short Sarah, me, and Karly giggled and talked the whole time, as if we were old friends.

We'd just met that day, but it didn't feel like it at all. We all talked about school, the issues and classes that we'd had this year, and what it was like to try to keep a day to day life outside of school. After talking about all that, and having so much in common, it wasn't like they were strangers at all.

Anyway, after delaying it to 11, they decided to have it outside after all. It was ASS COLD out there, but it was better than having to figure out a way for all the guests (because there were A LOT) to watch the ceremony effectively. So at 11, we all walked out in a long line, and when I walked past my family in the bleachers, they yelled at me and I waved in their direction. I couldn't see too well, since I didn't have my glasses on, but I saw my dad standing with Best Friend Rose and her mom. I saw the way they were smiling at me, like they were so proud of me, and I couldn't help but smiling hugely too.

We all made our way to our seats, and then the ceremony began. I didn't mention this before, but the ceremony was 7 schools combined. It included the seniors that actually went to the school, some 150, a few college prep type schools, I think two other online schools like ours, an arts school, and an international school. And get this: we were very last. I know. I KNOW. 7 different valedictorian speeches, 7 schools of students to get through. (To be fair, though, some of the schools classes were smaller. Like, one of the online schools only had 7 seniors. SEVEN. And ours had like 50 or so.) So it was pretty long, but they tried to hurry it along as fast they could, because everyone was cold and it had started to rain again. Me and Short Sarah and Karly chatted the whole time, shivering and trying to keep our minds off of the cold, but having fun anyway. (Just a side comment, but while we were talking, I found out that Short Sarah is going to the same community college I'm going to. Different campus, but still pretty cool!)

When it was finally time for us to go up, and they told us to stand, we walked up there in a line and onto the stage.
Honestly, that whole moment was such a blur, I hardly remember it. I remember being colder than I've been in recent memory. I remember thinking what a shame it was that all the curl fell out of my hair because I woke up at 4 that morning to curl it. I remember getting closer to the stage as the line moved. I remember handing the guy at the microphone a card with my name on it. I slightly, very slightly, remember my name being called and hearing cheers, but I don't remember how loud they were. I remember shaking a bunch of hands. I remember stepping off the stage and having a rose handed to me. And then I remember walking back down the middle aisle and hearing some of the kids from other schools whispering 'Congratulations' at me.

I don't remember thinking anything, specifically. 'Don't slip and fall', maybe. Ever since the Lizzie McGuire movie, I never had been able to get that fear out of my head.

After that, all of us stood and changed our tassels to the left. Then, all of us left our seats and went onto the open field, while 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet was playing over the speakers (our class song, I guess?) and we formed a circle, counted down from three, and threw our caps into the air. I wasn't very adventurous with mine, I threw it about a foot into the air and then quickly caught it because I didn't want it to get muddy, hahaha.

Then, it was over. Just like that. I said goodbye to Short Sarah and Karly, and it was over.

I'd held it together pretty well the whole day up until this point, except for the ride up there early that morning, because I'd started to cry at least 4 times then. But after I went to the cafeteria to pick up my real diploma, and I saw my family and friends there waiting for me, all thirteen of them that were able to come (even though we were only expecting 7!) I came real close. But then, when I was saying goodbye to my teachers, I started talking to my counselor (who I met in person for the first time that morning). Even though I was sad to say goodbye to my English teacher (whom had been my English teacher for the past 3 years, and was one of the reasons I could do my best last week, and heck, the past three years in general), talking to her, I finally lost it. Out of all of the teachers and people that helped me this school year, she single-handedly was my sanity this year. She helped me when I had the wrong schedule at the very beginning of the year, she helped me when I was failing out of AP Lit and I was about to give up on myself, she helped me when I was behind this entire semester, she helped me when I was about to call it quits altogether last week and I was on the edge and I thought I wouldn't even graduate.

It sounds weird, because until yesterday I hadn't even met her in person before, but I swear she helped me the most this year, out of everyone I know, and I owe her so much because of that. And so when we were talking, I felt compelled to tell just how much I appreciated all her help this year, and how thanks to her I felt motivated to keep going. And it was right around that part that I started to cry. I tried to hold it together as I started talking to her, but saying all that aloud and thinking about how grateful I was, I just lost it. I even started to make her tear up a little, and then I started crying harder to the point where I couldn't even talk, so I wrapped it up and said goodbye before the both of us started sobbing. But I felt glad that I could tell her that, because I would have seriously regretted it if I hadn't.

So after that, after saying goodbye to a few more people (including Rosie and her mom, because she had a piano recital to get to!), my family and I went off to go out to eat. And in the car on the way there, I opened my beautiful diploma and stared at it for a few minutes. And then I really started to sob. Because it was there, real, in front of my face, proof that I'd done it.

Proof for all of those times when I'd sat and stared at my computer screen, at all of lessons I had to do, and thought in all honesty, 'I can't do this.' Proof for all the times I didn't want to get out of bed this school year because it was like I was buried alive and I'd already failed and I couldn't get away from it. Proof for all those people that gave me a wary look when I'd explained what online school was and how it worked, because they thought it wasn't real school and that I had it easy. Like hell I did. The past three years were the hardest years of my life.

I learned a lot from it, and I've grown into a better person because of it, and I don't regret it. But there were so many times when I wanted to give up because it didn't feel worth it. But yesterday made me realize that all of that was worth it. To be able to get through that to graduate was worth it. Every single day of it was worth it, and I don't regret it at all.

High School is over, and here is where my new life begins. It'll be so different from now on, but I'm ready. It's time. I'm ready to live it. Because now that I've survived this, I'm smarter, I'm better, and I'm stronger. And no one will ever take that away from me.


All right, post-High School life. Bring it on.


xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: graduation, high school, life, school, senior year

I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, school, senior year, senioritis

I will be experiencing the seventh layer of hell. May 11th is next week, and I will finish everything if I forgo all normal human behavior and habits. Wish me luck.

As a side note, Blogger's new Beta upgrade is terrifying. It took me a full five minutes to figure out how to create a new entry, haha.

Ugh. One week left of my Senior year and of High School in general. Just one. I can do this. Just one more week.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: school, senior year

So. Internet. It's time I wrote an update entry, but since I'm pressed for time, it'll be a bulletpoint entry. Yay! (Also, no picture. Sad face.)

Here's what's been going on in my life for the past month or so:

• For a while around the beginning of February, I got super lazy and lost motivation to do my school work--which, you know. Seems to happen to me alot. Yeah. Not good. So then I became behind.
• Around that time, I got my first message about graduation. GRADUATION. I KNOW. IT'S ACTUALLY REAL. GAH. Got my cap and gown order form and everything. And it finally hit me that I really am a senior in high school. A senior that's going to graduate and be done with High School for the rest of my life. Holy geez.
• We also got an official all-seniors-have-all-of-your-classes-done date. May 11. Oh. OH. OH WOW.
• Valentine's Day, I rented like 7 movies and got a bunch of junk food (including a few of my favorites: Tiramasu ice cream and jalapeno chips. YES.) and watched movies all day. Pretty normal Valentine's Day activities for me. Also, Sucker Punch was a really good idea to watch. It was my first time watching it. The whole time I watched it, I was basically like, 'Wow, this is bad. Awesomely bad.' But by the end? Loved it. LOVED IT. I can't explain it, I really can't. It's now one of my favorite movies.
• Two days after Valentine's Day, got sick. Bad sick. In fact, I'm finally over it now, but it's taken this long. It was so bad that a lot of my old asthma problems started to come back a little, which I haven't had trouble with in YEARS. We didn't even have any old rescue inhalers that I could use, so basically I just had to suffer through it. 'Twas baaaad. And over the course of my cold, I got my period. Triple whammy. When I had all of that combined, it was the worst week ever.
• So then. Once I started getting better, by now I was even more behind in schoolwork. I'd tried to do some work while I was still really sick, since I knew I was so behind, but between cold medicine making me sleepy and falling asleep from exhaustion from not sleeping the night before didn't bode well. PLUS, it didn't help that while I was sick, my school decided to fix all the senior's lesson schedules so that we would all finish by May 11. Which would have been dandy if I wasn't already behind. So now my schedule's all screwy, and where before I might have had 5 or 6 lessons per day, I now have 9 or 10 per day, usually meaning that I have about 2 lessons from each subject for each day. Yeah. Exactly.
• SO. The last two weeks, I've been trying my best to catch up with all my make up work. It hasn't been easy, but I've made some progress. And I'm not too worried, because if worst comes to worst, I can work on some during my spring break (the week of the 25th). Which sucks for me, but hey. At least I'd get ahead. BUT NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY.
• Oh yeah, my birthday. That's this month. Huh. Time flies.
• Anyway, as long as I work my ass off until May 11th, I'm pretty positive I can get it all done. I'm not super behind by now anyway, because like I said, I've been making progress. Even with two semesters of English to get done at the same time, I've done pretty well. Especially considering my teacher was kind enough to let me skip over the research paper this semester, probably since he knows how busy I am. So, you know. Awesome.
• On another note, I've been talking to this new guy on OKC.
• Well, I was. Until I got sick. Then I couldn't be bothered to log into OKCupid to answer a dumb email because I was too busy dying and being miserable, okay.
• Okay, it wasn't dumb, I don't think. I don't know, I still haven't read it yet. Hahaha. He was pretty nice, but it was just idle conversation basically. I kind of felt like pressured to talk to him anyway because he actually first contacted me around October or so, and after I replied to him once or twice, I stopped replying. This conversation was the product of him messaging me again around late January. I finally replied to him this time because I felt bad, it seemed like he really wanted to talk to me. And as it goes, I don't reply to a lot of messages on there anymore, because like I said in an earlier entry, I've been pretty much disenchanted with the whole online dating scene and I've come to realize it doesn't work well for me.
• But anyhow, I replied to him, and we'd been talking on and off for about two weeks. He's a gamer, works for the Air Force, and likes to go shooting and hiking. He's a nice dude, really, but I just really have no interest in dating right now. Like, none. Absolutely none at all. Honestly, I'd rather drink 2 gallons of milk than start dating someone right now. (And for the record, I hate milk. Deplore it. I'm not lactose intolerant, but the slightest wiff of it makes me immediately nausious. I can't even watch people drink it. Ugh, just typing this is grossing me out.) I'm just so busy and so involved with other things that I can't even think about meeting someone that I might have interest in dating.
• Hell, even if Ryan Gosling showed up at my doorstep right now and got down on one knee with a green Ring Pop, asked me to be his lover, and then joined me in a rendition of 'Wannabe' complete with Scary Spice and Baby Spice outfits, I would still say no. Also, that would be really weird.
• POINT BEING: I cannot date or even THINK of dating right now. My sanity is at stake, here.
• In other news, me and Best Friend Rose are okay now. For now, anyway. I just got tired of being pissed, I don't hold grudges very well. Plus, the season finale of the Bachelor was on, and we had to talk about it. Yes, I know it's scripted. Yes, it's really ridiculous and cheesy, I know. It's entertaining. I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
• Also, I don't know about the whole Ricky Bobby thing still. Still driving me crazy. Trying to forget, though.
• Off subject sorry, but the door to my school office is so thin and I can hear every freaking noise in the house when it's closed and it's driving me crazy lately. Like, right now, my mom is having a sneezing fit and she sneezes really loudly and every time she does it scares the crap out of me and I jump and then I keyboard smash all over the place. Jafjkafjkls.
• So yeah, Rosie wanted to go to a school play tonight but I'm so shackled up to my desk right now, finishing work, that I'm not even sure I can go. Sunlight? What's...what's that? Is it a food? ....Outdoors? What? Is that a country? What is the outside world?
• Plus, I have to wash my hair, because it's really really nasty and dirty, but I don't even think I have time for THAT. SCHOOL IS RUINING ME AND REVERTING ME INTO A CAVE(WO)MAN.
• Frankenstein is a good book.
• I have no one to see The Hunger Games movie with, because none of my friends have read it. Sob.
• I got my new Big Bang album in the mail two days ago. It's glorious. Been playing it nonstop. A CD with a HUGE honkin' metal case with full size poster and high-res photobook and stickers, all for $20, including shipping? KOREA. I LOVE YOU.
• Too much capslock in this entry.

Wow, long bulletpoint entry. But hopefully you got the POINT. Hah. Hah. The POINT.

...I'm stalling. Going back to work now. *drags ball and chain back to desk*

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Font's back to normal but now it's spaced all weird. UGH. Blogger, what's up?)

(EDIT: Fixed the spacing. Whew.)

Labels: bulletpoint entry, fandom ish, okcupid, school, senior year

Well, Internet. This is when I get back up again and dust myself off.

Labels: life, school, senior year

Internet! Guess what!

Labels: English Teacher, okcupid, school, senior year

Internet, right now, I'm in the midst of my final exam week. (Yeah, after my Winter break. I know. Weird online school thing, I guess.)


Also, I'm in the midst of trying to catch up with my AP Lit lessons by the end of this week, aka the official end of the First Semester, which is never gonna happen, tbqh. Here's how that basically happened:

So. The day I started AP Lit, I immediately began panicking about it. The DAY OF. And it was because the first day of the class, we had to read the class expectations and requirements. And I flipped out. Something inside me just knew right away that I had gotten in over my head. This was the first AP class I've ever taken, and I had expected it to be harder. I just didn't realize how much harder.

But I continued the lessons. Some of it I didn't like, but some of it I surprisingly did like. I liked that all of my fellow classmates sounded smart, like me, and that I didn't have to dumb myself down for class discussions. (Virtual discussions, pretty cool. They're sort of like little forums, people make their own individual 'topics' and then everyone goes into the different topics and...well. Discusses. Pretty fun, actually. And considering I've been visiting online forums since the 2nd grade, I really liked it.) I also liked--at first--the slightly more challenging nature of the topics covered and discussed.

But. By the time I'd started our Odyssey unit, I was done for. This was like, what, our third unit? But I was already sick of all of it. The two units we'd already gone through, we had already had a few essay assignments, and each and every time, I would worry myself sick over them. I was constantly thinking of how I was in an advanced class now, and that the same old crap I wrote for my old English classes wouldn't cut it.

My emotional breakdown in October should've been my turning point. I should have realized then that I'd reached my breaking point. I should have done something then.

I was constantly worrying about HOW I could write better, WHEN can I finish this, WHAT will my teacher think if I fail, etc etc etc. So by the Odyssey unit, I just...shut down.

I completely just...stopped. Everything. It was like my mind had overloaded, and I couldn't stand to read anything. I didn't even want to look at books. I couldn't write, I physically couldn't write. I couldn't write anything. That's why when you look past on my past entries before December, they're basically nothing. The end of October, and all through November, I was stuck. Forcing myself to write then was like cutting a vein open. It was painful.

And it's not like I've never gotten writer's block before. I have, and plenty of times. But this time it was terrifying because I needed to write for school, for this class, and I just...I couldn't. It felt like if I started typing, I'd throw up or black out or have a panic attack, or something. It was literally like I hated writing all of a sudden. And that's never happened to me before.

So when Winter Break finally came, and I began to come to my senses again, I realized what I'd done. I was half a semester late in my class, and it was entirely, 100% my fault. I'd let my fear get to me, and I couldn't even function.

After my last final, I'm going to do some more catch up work. I'd already done some last week, but it wasn't that much, compared to the amount left. The thing that sucks the most about AP is the workload. I only have 13 lessons to catch up on, but dammit. Each lesson has nearly about a week's worth of work for each one, not to mention the two research papers ahead of me. Two research papers in a week. Mhmm, yeah. That'll work out just peachy.

I'm not a quitter, but I like to think that I'm a realist. I'm not going to finish this work in time. And even if I did finish all the work by Friday at 10PM, I would still have the final left. And if I didn't even do the final, I would fail anyway, and all of my hard work would have been for nothing. So honestly, I don't see the point.

I won't give up yet. I'm still going to do my best to catch up, but if I fail, at least I'll know I tried.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen. I let myself down immensely, and not only that, but I feel like I've let everyone else down, too. I even sent a long apology email to my teacher, because I felt I needed to let her know that I take full responsibility for my failing her class, and that I needed to apologize for wasting her time. She accepted my apology with grace and even let me know she was sorry that I was struggling, and encouraged me not to give up just yet. Such a nice lady. Crazy to think that I was scared of her for four months.

If I'd just asked for help earlier, I'm sure she would've done her best to help me then. Why did I resort to running?

It was a shitty thing that I did, especially for my Senior Year, but I suppose it wouldn't be High School if I didn't royally fuck something up once a year. (Profane sentence is profane.)

But I intend on making up for it. I plan on switching out of AP and getting into English 12 instead. Then, I'll take two semesters of English 12 at the same time so I can make up for the credit I failed to get for AP. Crazy, yes, but I've done crazier. Plus, I almost can guarantee that two semesters of workload for English 12 at the same time will still be easier than AP Lit. Seriously. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. I just want to enjoy English class again.

So, speaking of finals, I'm finishing up reviewing for my last one as we speak. My Stats final. And I've come to this conclusion.

My math teacher sucks.

I've actually had him for a teacher 3 times consecutively. I had him during Sophomore year for semester one of Geometry. Then, I had him for semester one of Algebra II. First semester of Geometry? Failed. They switched teachers for me the second time around of semester one Geometry, this time a nice lady teacher. Passed with a B.

First semester of Algebra II? Passed, but barely, and I mean barely. Completely bombed the whole semester up until the final, stayed up three nights in a row studying hard to pass the final, and my final exam grade saved my whole grade. I had another teacher for semester two again, and did swimmingly until that whole exam fiasco that went down.

Anyway, in summary: Other teachers + me + Math = Pass. This teacher + me + Math = Fail. Epically.


Maybe it's just because his teaching methods don't mesh well with the way I learn. Maybe it's something else. But I was just not destined to be in this man's math classes. Period.

It's too bad. He seems like a nice guy, in fact he was the teacher that worked out that Algebra II final retake much earlier this year, and I think I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. But his classes? Hmm. I don't know, I just don't know.

This semester I have a C in Stats so far, which means that if I bomb this final I'll have to do the whole double-semester thing with another class if I want to graduate in June. Which would suck ass, obviously. And so would not graduating. That too.

So. As you could probably guess, all of this has put monumental stress on me. Last Wednesday, I even developed a rash all over me. My mom (a nurse) figured out that it's not from allergies, and it's not from a virus. It's a stress rash. Like my body is physically rejecting all of this pressure. Not cool.

Dammit. Nobody ever told me Senior year would be this difficult. Perhaps this is my reaction to Senioritis? I'm getting the sinking feeling that this week will be the week from hell.

In other news, Feli! I saw your comment, and I'd be happy to write a bit about that. After reading all of this post thus far, you probably get that I'm not the best person to ask this (lol) but, here we go anyway!

How do I focus on my classwork/homework? Mostly, I just have to sit my deriere into my chair in the morning, shake the sleep off, and do it. I realized that I have to make a conscious effort to focus, or I won't. Like, if I just sit there and stare at the screen and wait for the focus to come to me, it won't. And I usually if I'm waiting for the focus, I start focusing on something else.

Like daydreaming. Oh, dear God. I'm one of those people that would just lay around living in their own head, if they could. I could think of every scenario in the world, just sitting and staring for hours. The world is so interesting in there. I could just live in my fantasies and dream worlds and never have to face the real world. This is why I write, because my over-active imagination leaks into my real world too easily if I don't. It's how I keep myself sane, basically.

Anywho, I just have to make myself focus. And usually with the harder subjects, it's definitely much harder. Usually what I'll do is I'll read out loud. Reading out loud helps my reading comprehension when I learn things. I'm telling you. Reading comprehension = easier learning. I promise. And then, when that doesn't work, that usually means that I need a break.

Leave the room for like fifteen minutes, go do a quick 15 minute workout, or go fix a healthy snack. I know it sounds like I'm promoting weight loss or something, haha, but I swear it really does help! Once I eat healthier again (I lapse out of it every once in a while, who doesn't?), and I start working out (not even going to the gym! I hate gyms. I just do these little 10 minute video workouts on my workout mat, so easy. Go Youtube 10 minute workout videos, so many of them! And even when I feel like I don't have time for that, instead I jog in place for a while, or do some sit ups, or run up and down the stairs, etc.) it helps my head be clearer. I'm not even an athletic person--at all, really--but whenever I live healthier, I feel so much better, and when I'm healthier, schoolwork always seems easier to me.

So, my advice to you: just sit down, clear your head, and read aloud. And when it becomes too much, take a quick yoga break, or Cheerio break, or whatever. Take a deep break, and work through it one step at a time. I know sometimes hard work seems impossible, but just chill. Take your time. And if you need help with something, please. I beg of you. Don't wait until you're absolutely buried under stress and fear, like I did. Ask for help. Ask your teacher, or a good friend, or even a parent. I know how it feels to feel inferior because you don't understand something. I handled it the wrong way. Trust me. Ask for help.

And then when you're finished with it all, you can do this: http://youtu.be/MdN0NXgjsn8

Hope I helped a little bit!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be re-applying my calamine lotion and studying for this final that I absolutely cannot fail. Ahem.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: mistakes, procrastinating sarah, school, senior year, senioritis

...she updates.

Interneeeeet. Can you guess who's so relieved to be on Winter Break? Uh. THIS GIRL.

Due to some catching up I had to do in Science due to some technical problem (I couldn't do Science lessons for about 2 weeks straight for some reason, and then when they finally decided to fix it, it was the very last week before break. For an entire three days, I breathed and ate nothing but Nuclear Reactions.) and this hellish last-minute application for a scholarship I had to complete (my school nominated me, which was awesome, but my counselor didn't tell me until two weeks before the whole thing was due--which also included, I didn't realize until the second to last day, writen recommendations from two non-relatives. Not awesome.) But in the end, it all worked out, and these first few days of my break, I've just been taking it easy, something I clearly couldn't do in the past month or so of school.

And not to mention that because of my super-lax senior schedule, second semester doesn't start for me until January 18th. That's AN ENTIRE MONTH OFF. Yessssss.

I feel like this break was well earned, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

Here's some good news for you!

Since the last time I updated, Jazz has been over to my house four times to hang out. The first time was admittedly, a little weird still, but then by the last time she was here, about three days ago in fact, things were totally and completely back to normal. We were talking and laughing and being weirdos just like old times, and let me tell you, internet. It was a great feeling.

I'm grateful that everything's cool now, because I'd honestly I'd begun thinking that maybe I'd screwed things up. But as it turns out, me speaking up actually helped. It just took a while to get there, is all.
This has really taught me that it's okay to stick up for myself.
For a long while, I was too afraid to do just that, because I was more worried that people would think I was a bitch rather than worrying for about myself and how I'm being treated. But now that I've grown into myself a bit more, I've kind of stopped worrying what people think about me. I've stopped worrying about always trying to please everyone else, because I realized that I just need to be me. What anyone else thinks about me is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that I'm me, and that I'll always be me.

So, it was a hard lesson, but one that in the end I'm glad that I learned.

In other news, the past few days, I've been trying to make up for the lack of free time that I had before break. I've been writing like crazy (finally found some relief from the giant bought of writer's block I had) and reading like my life depended on it. I've also been doing some holiday stuff to celebrate the time of the year......hah. Understatement of the year.
You know me, Internet. Christmas cheesiness left and right. I've been watching all the Christmas specials and movies that I possibly can, been making cookies and listening to Christmas songs every second I can. I love my Christmas cheesiness.

Earlier this month, I decorated the tree with my younger cousins, and me and my mom gave them each these cute little ornaments we found at a store. The youngest got the Cars ornament (that little boy LOVES Cars, I swear), the second youngest got Dora, and the oldest got a Spongebob one. The youngest were so excited that they got their very own ornament that we couldn't calm them down for a few hours afterwards. It made me wonder if they'd ever had something like that before, their own ornaments on their own Christmas tree, but something tells me that they haven't. (To catch my drift, check out this entry from last Christmas.) Me and my mom agreed to include them in as many of our Christmas traditions as we could, and so far, they've really loved it, and so have we. It's almost as if we're seeing Christmas as new again, from brand new eyes. It's beautiful, truly.

So, I've been doing as many holiday things as I can possibly fit into my time. You should see my room, completely decked out in garland and candy canes and lights and SPARKLES. I also wanted to go see Santa at the mall, but unfortunately, it looks like I won't get to. (What?! I'm a teenager still! I'm still young! It'd be weirder if I went in my 20's, or something!)

I can't believe as of now, it's only four days until Christmas. This entire month flew by. It feels like I should still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers right now. (Which, by the way, was great. And as for leftovers this year, they were gone faster then they usually go. I guess that's what happens when you have 8 people in one house.)

Lately, things financially have been especially tight, so I'm not expecting much under the tree this year. But to be completely honest, I've passed that stage in my life where I want as many gifts for Christmas as possible. I'm old enough to realize now that just being with my family and having the things we already have is enough. I have a wonderful family, a home, a bed to sleep in, and great friends. I really couldn't ask for anything better than that.

(Told you I love Christmas cheese.)

In other other news, Best Friend Rose spent the night last night, and on the floor, she's still sleeping like the dead. Considering it's still before noon, I have the feeling I'll be entertaining myself for a while longer. Sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: christmas 2011, jazz, school, senior year

Hay hay hay. Internet, did you miss me? Did you?? Huh?!

Labels: long posts are looong, omfg korea, school, senior year, shy boy

present me past me