♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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regrets (and other various messes).}
Saturday, August 29, 2015 | 9:10 PM | 2Comment

Hey Internet!

Yes, I am alive. After my big writing challenge month, I needed some time to unwind and let the soreness leave my hands. (Seriously, I wrote 50,000 words in a month. My hands were SCREAMING.)

So! To keep things a little simpler, let me utilize some bullet points to let you know what's been going on lately.

I:

  • Finished the writing challenge successfully, with 50,000 words accomplished
  • Felt super jazzed and excited, then a little dumbfounded for a couple days after I finished--kinda like, "Welp. I finished this big giant thing, What now?"
  • Began editing the first draft I wrote
  • Thought about Jazz's wedding a little more, realized her and her hubs have been having weekend grillouts in their backyard that I knew nothing about and wasn't invited to. Oh.
  • Began saving up money for my first official piece of furniture in my main/living room, which will enable me to finally use that room more than I have for the year and a half I've been in this house. (A futon. Next will be a microwave. Movie/k-drama nights will be upgraded by 1000. Can you say a comfy seat curled up with blanket, some popcorn, hot cocoa, or bowl ramen? And in my own living room! Woo!)
  • Also started thinking more about the Brennan thing, then started...feeling...bad? Yep. And a little sad.
  • Got some bad news about school and had to deal with the emotional aftermath.
So, as you can see, there have been an interesting mix of happenings lately. Where should I start? Well, since this isn't a writing blog, I'll spare you the details of that and skip right to Jazz.

Jazz. And her cookouts. Which I heard nary a word about until seeing them splayed all over Facebook and Instagram.

I mean...okay. It wasn't like I was expecting to be included in her life that much now. After all, she's married, and married people things that are specific to married people.

But I kinda thought...you know, we would still do friend stuff. Talk over coffee once in a while. Get invites to come over to her new house here and there.

So. Seeing that she's been inviting people (no, not just people, MARRIED COUPLES, and no single people) over for big game nights and grill outs and I wasn't even an afterthought? Yeah, that hurts. It feels like I'm suddenly not good enough to be friends with her because I'm not married too, which was exactly what I was afraid of before.

It's disappointing, honestly. Instead of proving me wrong, she ended up proving me right. Even my heartfelt letter to her for her birthday did nothing.

So I guess I'm back to friendless adventures, for now. (Except for occasional video chats with my online friends, of course.) I'm used to it, so I guess it's not a big deal. I just thought she'd be different than what I'd feared. 

But I guess we'll see if anything changes. After all, she's only been married a month, Meanwhile, I'll try not to let it depress me too much.

So, speaking of depressing, I'll make this clean cut and fast: No school for me this fall.

Basically, money problems have caught up with my family once again. And we've been unable to pay last semester's tuition. So the school has me on hold until we can pay, which may not even be until next year. So no school until then.

I'm dealing with it and I've dealt with it. By now, having money-related school problems has happened to me so many times that to be honest, I'm getting used to it. 
I'm still sad about it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm going to find other things that will occupy my time this fall. No more sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I'm just going to live my life a different way until I can go back to school. 

And it's nothing to be ashamed of, especially for someone in my position. I have no right to mope about not going to school because of money when there are a lot of people out there that have much more severe issues from not having enough money. So I'm just going to suck it up and do something else worth my time.

So. Now that that's out of the way. ONTO BRENNAN. 

After I posted here about him having a girlfriend, I tried to let it go for a little bit.

...That didn't work. Lmao. But I TRIED. Really hard. And failed. 

And meanwhile, he's still been keeping regular tabs on my Snapchat story posts and Instagram posts, even still liking them. (Not liking them as much as he did this time last year, mind you--last year he would like every single Instagram picture I posted up. I'm kind of irritated that I didn't write more about him here last year.)

It's strange, because as I said in my last entry, before, he had been avoiding me for months. Legit. After the cat Snapchats stopped (eventually), he stopped looking at my Snap stories, stopped liking all of my Instagram pics, everything. To be fair, he probably thought that I hated him, so that's probably why he did it. After the huge silence, the first 'like' on an Instagram pic that I'd gotten from him was in June, which was the first in at least 3 months. The interaction on Snapchat and Instagram continued from there. 

(Another side note--about a few weeks ago, I replied to another Snap he had sent me after that first one I'd mentioned in the last entry. He didn't reply back, and he hasn't sent me anything since then, so I have the faintest feeling that I shocked him by actually replying to something for the first time since January. Hah.)

But from my snooping of the gf's FB a while ago, I'd noticed that they had started dating about late May or so. Which...means that he didn't start to interact with me again until he started dating this girl. 

Which is weird. Right? I mean, what's that supposed to mean? And I'm not some expert or something, but is that the way guys with girlfriends usually act?

Aside from that weirdness, though, I've been doing some thinking.

Lately, I've kind of realized that I had kind of taken Brennan for granted. 

I wasn't very clear about this before: this time last year, we were talking everyday. Which is a big feat for me in general, especially with a boy. Before Brennan, the last guy I talked to that much was Drew. (Ugh.) 

Back then, I hated to admit it, but I'd looked forward to seeing my phone light up with a text from him. It felt nice when he called me 'cutie'. It felt nice to have a guy that cared about me enough to see how I was doing everyday.

He also genuinely liked talking to me. And after our first (and last) date two days before Christmas last year, he genuinely wanted to hang out with me. Even though on said date, I showed up late and was weird and kept ranting about books and writing and Korean pop music. Even though before, I never opened up to him and kept personal details to myself, even after he would tell me I could tell him anything.

I just...God. He was nothing but sweet to me, Internet. Why was I such a bitch to him?

I'll tell you why, Internet. It's because I self sabotage, still, after all these years.

At least I stopped doing this with my friends, and my self image and health. But in the realm of guys and dating, I still have a long way to go.

Deep inside, when it feels like a guy might be getting too close to me, might be starting to actually like me, I get all...squirmy. I get uncomfortable. I feel cornered. 

My theory about why I subconsciously feel like that is this: because I have never had a functional mutual like with someone before(i.e. Phil is out, he doesn't count), and I've never had a relationship, I don't know what it's supposed to feel like when it actually happens. So when it seems like it might be happening, I panic, because it's new, jungle-like territory for me. I hate not knowing about things. I hate not having control of myself. Feelings involve both of those fears for me. So I avoid them at all costs, and I look for all possible ways out when I feel like they're coming. 


My usual way out is just talking to them less, and letting things fade out naturally. The problem, Internet, was that Brennan made that hard. For a while--and yeah, 2 months straight of cat Snaps is a while--he didn't give up on me. And I guess that scared me. So the ignoring intensified. 

I couldn't imagine why someone would try so hard to keep me involved with them--after all, for a little bit, I was positive he was involved with at least 4 different girls on Instagram and wasn't even into me that way, come to find out later that those girls were in long term relationships with other people or had kids.

In addition to all that, I was scared. I didn't think someone like me (driver's license-less, car-less, subpar social life, homebody, anxiety disordered, bedroom with boyband posters all over the walls) could deserve to date someone. I thought that he would find out all these things about me and walk right out and never want to talk to me again. 
So I kept all of that hidden, terrified that he would reject me. I didn't lie about them, I just never even brought them up. Because, honestly? My negatives made his negatives look like harmless little kittens. And I rejected him before he could reject me.

So. Once again, I had let my own intense insecurity and fear get in the way of someone that could have been good for me. (I read somewhere that people with anxiety often push others away. And if that's true, then that explains so much.)

I knew it was messed up. But I'm kinda messed up. 

And honestly, deep down, I still truly feel like I did him a favor, and that I wouldn't have been good for him anyway. That I would have been a weight on him that kept him from being really happy. 

Also Internet...I've been feeling a little sad now that I never gave him a chance, because you know what? Maybe he could have accepted me for who I was, with all of my issues. 

But I never even gave him a chance to. And it's too late now. (Again.) I can't undo the way I treated him, and I can't undo the fact that he's with someone now.

So that's just it.

It would do me some good to stop thinking about it, since I can't do anything about it.

Of course, thinking that I should stop thinking about it only makes me think of it more. Such is life, I suppose.

I've been trying to move on via reactivating my OkCupid account and talking to someone new, but that hasn't worked out well at all. Because how did I forget how terrible OkCupid is??

Between men sending me messages and asking for hookups, party invitations from strangers, and endless conversations of this model: ""Hey" "Hey, what's up?" "Nm, you?" "Not much either. Just chilling." "Cool. What are u wearing?"", it has not been successful at all. 

And even more, I'm realizing with each of those messages I receive that there are not very many Brennans in this world.

Who knows, Internet. Maybe I'll find another Brennan. One that's just as sweet and genuine as he is. And maybe I won't mess up next time. (I won't hold my breath.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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You live nowhere near me, but damn you're cute.}
Saturday, August 11, 2012 | 8:25 PM | 0Comment

I'm right here!



Yup. Lives across the country from me, and is a bit slow to reply to messages sometimes (considering he messaged me first), but understandable, because damn. Daaaamn. I haven't seen someone so attractive on OKC for a long time, possibly ever. The amount of lady fans he must have, wow.

And I mean, look at his profile. Pokemon master. Straight edge. The Great Gatsby. Good literature. Comic books. Edgar Allen Poe. Tattoos, gauges and other various piercings. And he's clever.

Mother of GOD. Move across the country and marry me now, please. PLEASE. Like really. Right now.

Usually I don't even reply to guys that aren't from my state at least, but clearly I'll make an exception here. And a little hipster-y, which is weird because I'm usually not really into hipster guys, but also clearly making an exception here, because wow. Just. Wow. WOW.

I know that absolutely nothing will come of this, but hey. If anything, I'll have another nice online friend to talk to for a little bit. And it's not like he's bad to look at either, if I haven't mentioned that yet. Whew. We'll call him Gatsby.

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Also...DRINK PARTY!!!}
Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 6:49 PM | 1Comment

This guy. Ahahahah. Oh my god.

When I was online sometime last week, he happened to send me a message while I was still online.

"hello how r u" 

Pretty typical message on OKC. But, I saw his picture, got curious, and decided to look at his profile. And it provided lulz for days to come.

The 'drink party' is what gets me the most, I cannot read it without laughing. Partly because of the grammar, and partly because I picture someone with an exaggerated Borat accent screaming, "DRINK PARTY."

Oh, and look what I underlined! Looking for ages 21-33. What the hell is he doing messaging me for?! Dude's 28 and messaging me with worse grammar than people I know that just graduated high school. And call me crazy, but I don't think a 28 year old man would message a 19 year old to be 'new friends' (refer to the part under I'm Looking For, I partially drew over it). Lol. Just lol.

Also, "wanna chill with". Wanna chill with who? The Queen of England? Lindsay Lohan? We'll never know.

Drink Party has since looked at my profile every day since messaging me that last week. I really hope this is a troll account because if it's an actual profile, I want to quit the universe. But I'm more inclined to think someone made it for the lulz.

Either way, lulz were had.

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Dude. Are you kidding me with this?}
| 6:36 PM | 0Comment

I first got this message from him a few days ago:
"Just saying hi! Hope your week's going well!"
Nice of him, right? I didn't look at his profile, but I decided to respond anyway, because I'll rarely ever get decent friendly messages like that on OKC. So last night I respond with, "Thanks, I hope yours is too! :)" Maybe the smiley face was overkill, but I can't help it, I like smilies.

So then, not even an hour later, I get this. Four messages from this guy in a row, each one minute apart. I kid you not. And when I got the notifications, I was doing something else on my iPod, so getting four push notifications in a row was pretty irritating, lol. I thought maybe it was just a glitch, until I checked my email and saw all these.

Like, holy crap. First of all, couldn't he have put them all in one message? I mean really. Why spam me with four little ones with mostly single sentences in them?! This wasn't IM, either. It was in email! I don't...I can't...

This is what they said, in order of message, and I quote:

Message 1: Thanks!
Message 2: We have alot in common haha. I'm probably not as big a book worm as you but I can be a dork
Message 3: Oh and coffee, Italian, not a big partier or drinker also ha
Message 4: Have you traveled much?

...........See, these give me the impression of one aspect of online dating that I never really liked. The 'selling points'. When a person lists off their best qualities one after the other in a single sentence in hopes of you 'buying'. I never liked that. Like, I'm not buying a car here. I'm looking for a relationship. And why try to 'sell' yourself to everybody, most of whom you probably wouldn't have a connection with anyway? That's what makes me so uncomfortable.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be polite, haha. I hardly ever respond to messages on OKC anymore, and I thought I'd start to again, even if it's just to be polite. Perhaps this is why I stopped?

Also, I feel like the 'dork' statement was supposed to be a selling point for me. Should I be...flattered? Haha.

Sigh. Oh OKC.

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Air Force.}
Monday, April 9, 2012 | 9:43 AM | 0Comment

By the way, the guy I was talking to on OKCupid before? The one that works in the Air Force? (We'll call him Air Force.) Yeah, finally logged on and read his message. He gave me his number. It went something to the effect of:



So, we've been talking for a while now. It's sort of tedious to keep
logging on here, so want my number?
Too bad. Have it.
(Enter number here.)

Kind of hot, actually. Some might see it as forceful, but I find it hot. But...here's the thing. Sooooo busy right now. And honestly, I knew this was coming eventually. With Drew, this same exact thing happened. We talked for about two weeks on OKC messages, and then Drew asked for my number, and we started texting. Pretty much saw this one coming. Which is why I haven't texted him.

Air Force is nice. Really, he is. He's quite cool. We have some hobbies in common, and he's nice to talk to. But I have no time to think about dating right now. None. And I know if I text him, I'm going to want to text him all the time, just like Drew. And then texting all the time leads to hopes getting up, and getting closer, and then a date being planned. And then, if all goes well, dating. And if not, then disappointment and it will have just been a giant waste of time that I needed to have in the first place to focus on my last month of school.

Cannot. Date. Right. Now.

You can see I've thought alot about this. Oh. I have. And I kind of feel bad for not texting him, because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, and I really appreciate it and I'm totally flattered. And this has nothing to do with him, because if I were in a better place in my life right now, I'd totally go for him. Totally. But I just cannot afford to right now.

Also, this is kind of beside the point, but lately I've found another obsession to add to my growing list of things that I do in my spare time (which is increasingly less these days). Astrology.

Okay. I'm not one of those people that religiously believe in it and reads their horoscope every morning and stuff. Really. 98.99% of the time, it's just for fun. And 98.99% of the time I'll read things that are supposed to be about the characteristics of Aries and I'm like 'lolwut' because it's like the polar opposite of how I am and it's funny.

But something I like to read about are compatibility stuff. A lot of it is bologna, but then every once in a while, I'll read something that's so accurate I stop and go 'whoa.' Like, for instance, I'm Aries, a fire sign, and all of the fire signs understand each other and get along really well. Rosie's a Leo, another fire sign. And romantically, the fire signs are supposed to have an instant connection, drawn together like soul mates almost. Drew was a Saggittarius, the other fire sign. And Air Force is one too.

Weird, right? A coincedence, but still weird.

But it sort of pisses me off and makes me laugh at the same time because Aries and Saggittarius are suppose to be like, made for each other. And while Drew and I got along, we were nowhere near perfect for eachother.
It makes me wonder if there are people out there that date people just because of their 'sign', and go with someone they believe to be compatible with them only to turn out disappointed like I was.

At the same time, though, there were some things I read about how Saggittarius men are supposed to act, and some of the things I saw, like highly athletic, friendly to everyone, aloof and independent, doesn't really like to talk about emotions, was scarily accurate. Also weird.

So even though I don't believe in these things as 100% absolute fact, some things like that still kind of freak me out with their accuracy.

I'm not gonna lie, part of me wonders if that's another reason why I don't want to take a chance on Air Force right now. They're two completely different people, but at the time, Drew seemed like someone I'd been able to see myself with, too. And the last thing I need is to experience that whole mess twice.

Also got a message from another guy on there recently. He messaged first, saying, "You know who you remind me of?" and I said, "Haha. Who?" And then he said, "An extremely gorgeous girl."

Vomit. Haha, just kidding. I mean, it was sweet, it was. But I was suspicious as soon as I saw it. He's 19, and from the looks of his pictures, very attractive. A Leo. What was the catch? I go to his profile. Oh, there's the catch. He has a kid. A two year old kid. At age 19. With a girl he's no longer with, whom he decided to call a bitch publicly on his profile.

Welp. This is why I don't even bother with guys my age, lol. I wonder if he was on 16 and pregnant?

In other news, Best Friend Rose met a guy on OKC. Up until now, she hadn't really taken it seriously. She mostly made it so we could read each other weird/pervy messages we'd gotten and laugh at them.

But I guess about a month and a half ago, she started talking to his guy on there. Before she knew it, they couldn't stop talking, and soon they exchanged Facebook URLs and numbers, and they were texting nonstop. So about two weeks ago, they met up for coffee. And it went AMAZINGLY.
They talked forever, got along great, and planned their next date. She said he even bought her coffee for her, opened doors for her, and pulled out her chair for her. Waaaah. SO cute. But she really really likes him, and I'm so glad she's found somebody like this, especially during this time in her life. I haven't met him yet, but I'm sure with the way things are going, I'll get to soon.

Also, I'm glad that she met him on OKC, of all places. I haven't had such luck with it, but I'm glad she has. Maybe online dating isn't worthless after all? Maybe just for me? Hahaha.

Also also, I'm supposed to be doing Stats, but I'm stalling right now. Big time. I just have so much on my mind!

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Updates Updates.}
Friday, March 16, 2012 | 3:05 PM | 0Comment

So. Internet. It's time I wrote an update entry, but since I'm pressed for time, it'll be a bulletpoint entry. Yay! (Also, no picture. Sad face.)

Here's what's been going on in my life for the past month or so:
  • For a while around the beginning of February, I got super lazy and lost motivation to do my school work--which, you know. Seems to happen to me alot. Yeah. Not good. So then I became behind.
  • Around that time, I got my first message about graduation. GRADUATION. I KNOW. IT'S ACTUALLY REAL. GAH. Got my cap and gown order form and everything. And it finally hit me that I really am a senior in high school. A senior that's going to graduate and be done with High School for the rest of my life. Holy geez.
  • We also got an official all-seniors-have-all-of-your-classes-done date. May 11. Oh. OH. OH WOW.
  • Valentine's Day, I rented like 7 movies and got a bunch of junk food (including a few of my favorites: Tiramasu ice cream and jalapeno chips. YES.) and watched movies all day. Pretty normal Valentine's Day activities for me. Also, Sucker Punch was a really good idea to watch. It was my first time watching it. The whole time I watched it, I was basically like, 'Wow, this is bad. Awesomely bad.' But by the end? Loved it. LOVED IT. I can't explain it, I really can't. It's now one of my favorite movies.
  • Two days after Valentine's Day, got sick. Bad sick. In fact, I'm finally over it now, but it's taken this long. It was so bad that a lot of my old asthma problems started to come back a little, which I haven't had trouble with in YEARS. We didn't even have any old rescue inhalers that I could use, so basically I just had to suffer through it. 'Twas baaaad. And over the course of my cold, I got my period. Triple whammy. When I had all of that combined, it was the worst week ever.
  • So then. Once I started getting better, by now I was even more behind in schoolwork. I'd tried to do some work while I was still really sick, since I knew I was so behind, but between cold medicine making me sleepy and falling asleep from exhaustion from not sleeping the night before didn't bode well. PLUS, it didn't help that while I was sick, my school decided to fix all the senior's lesson schedules so that we would all finish by May 11. Which would have been dandy if I wasn't already behind. So now my schedule's all screwy, and where before I might have had 5 or 6 lessons per day, I now have 9 or 10 per day, usually meaning that I have about 2 lessons from each subject for each day. Yeah. Exactly.
  • SO. The last two weeks, I've been trying my best to catch up with all my make up work. It hasn't been easy, but I've made some progress. And I'm not too worried, because if worst comes to worst, I can work on some during my spring break (the week of the 25th). Which sucks for me, but hey. At least I'd get ahead. BUT NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY.
  • Oh yeah, my birthday. That's this month. Huh. Time flies.
  • Anyway, as long as I work my ass off until May 11th, I'm pretty positive I can get it all done. I'm not super behind by now anyway, because like I said, I've been making progress. Even with two semesters of English to get done at the same time, I've done pretty well. Especially considering my teacher was kind enough to let me skip over the research paper this semester, probably since he knows how busy I am. So, you know. Awesome.
  • On another note, I've been talking to this new guy on OKC.
  • Well, I was. Until I got sick. Then I couldn't be bothered to log into OKCupid to answer a dumb email because I was too busy dying and being miserable, okay.
  • Okay, it wasn't dumb, I don't think. I don't know, I still haven't read it yet. Hahaha. He was pretty nice, but it was just idle conversation basically. I kind of felt like pressured to talk to him anyway because he actually first contacted me around October or so, and after I replied to him once or twice, I stopped replying. This conversation was the product of him messaging me again around late January. I finally replied to him this time because I felt bad, it seemed like he really wanted to talk to me. And as it goes, I don't reply to a lot of messages on there anymore, because like I said in an earlier entry, I've been pretty much disenchanted with the whole online dating scene and I've come to realize it doesn't work well for me.
  • But anyhow, I replied to him, and we'd been talking on and off for about two weeks. He's a gamer, works for the Air Force, and likes to go shooting and hiking. He's a nice dude, really, but I just really have no interest in dating right now. Like, none. Absolutely none at all. Honestly, I'd rather drink 2 gallons of milk than start dating someone right now. (And for the record, I hate milk. Deplore it. I'm not lactose intolerant, but the slightest wiff of it makes me immediately nausious. I can't even watch people drink it. Ugh, just typing this is grossing me out.) I'm just so busy and so involved with other things that I can't even think about meeting someone that I might have interest in dating.
  • Hell, even if Ryan Gosling showed up at my doorstep right now and got down on one knee with a green Ring Pop, asked me to be his lover, and then joined me in a rendition of 'Wannabe' complete with Scary Spice and Baby Spice outfits, I would still say no. Also, that would be really weird.
  • POINT BEING: I cannot date or even THINK of dating right now. My sanity is at stake, here.
  • In other news, me and Best Friend Rose are okay now. For now, anyway. I just got tired of being pissed, I don't hold grudges very well. Plus, the season finale of the Bachelor was on, and we had to talk about it. Yes, I know it's scripted. Yes, it's really ridiculous and cheesy, I know. It's entertaining. I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
  • Also, I don't know about the whole Ricky Bobby thing still. Still driving me crazy. Trying to forget, though.
  • Off subject sorry, but the door to my school office is so thin and I can hear every freaking noise in the house when it's closed and it's driving me crazy lately. Like, right now, my mom is having a sneezing fit and she sneezes really loudly and every time she does it scares the crap out of me and I jump and then I keyboard smash all over the place. Jafjkafjkls.
  • So yeah, Rosie wanted to go to a school play tonight but I'm so shackled up to my desk right now, finishing work, that I'm not even sure I can go. Sunlight? What's...what's that? Is it a food? ....Outdoors? What? Is that a country? What is the outside world?
  • Plus, I have to wash my hair, because it's really really nasty and dirty, but I don't even think I have time for THAT. SCHOOL IS RUINING ME AND REVERTING ME INTO A CAVE(WO)MAN.
  • Frankenstein is a good book.
  • I have no one to see The Hunger Games movie with, because none of my friends have read it. Sob.
  • I got my new Big Bang album in the mail two days ago. It's glorious. Been playing it nonstop. A CD with a HUGE honkin' metal case with full size poster and high-res photobook and stickers, all for $20, including shipping? KOREA. I LOVE YOU.
  • Too much capslock in this entry.

Wow, long bulletpoint entry. But hopefully you got the POINT. Hah. Hah. The POINT.

...I'm stalling. Going back to work now. *drags ball and chain back to desk*

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Font's back to normal but now it's spaced all weird. UGH. Blogger, what's up?)

(EDIT: Fixed the spacing. Whew.)

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29 Year Old's message.}
Monday, January 16, 2012 | 8:53 PM | 0Comment

Hey you little devil you.

I am a tall nerd. Well actually more of the science nerd type. You sound like a great girl and I'd like to get to know you better. I'm (insert real name here)...

See, I'm hard pressed about this. This is a sweet message. It really is, truly. It's very rare that I get nice messages like that. It's not like he's a sleaze ball or a douche bag, or he's illiterate, or anything. And I read his profile, and honestly, he sounds very intelligent and like a man that knows what he wants in life. And that's wonderful.
But 1. He mentioned he's only looking for someone age 21 and up. Maybe he accidentally overlooked my age?
And 2. I just need to be honest here. A grown man who has traveled to countless places, not only literally but in life in general, with a home schooled 18 year old who's still trying to trudge through the second half of her senior year? Tell me we'd have much of anything in common. And I mean, anything. Exactly.

So I'll just do both him and I a favor here. But I hope he finds a classy lady that can keep up with his lifestyle, he deserves it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Small Miracles.}
| 4:12 PM | 0Comment

Internet! Guess what!

Not only has my school life improved by 50% since the last time I wrote, but also, my stress rash is gone! YES. NO MORE ITCHY.

So basically, late last week, I found out from my counselor that my AP class doesn't actually end until the 26th, which gives me WAY more time to catch up! It doesn't guarantee that I'll finish, but still, I'll have more time to try! YES AGAIN.

Also late last week, I finally took my Stats final after days of super hard studying. And in the end, I got..................

...........A 92 FREAKIN' PERCENT.

OKAY. May I remind you that I've never in my life ever gotten a 92% on ANY Math test. EVER. So this is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL.

I still don't quite understand how it happened, even though I did study forever for it, but wow. If there was any time I believed in small miracles in school, this is one of them. I'm still in shock, but it has reduced my stress levels by about 70%. I'm SO relieved.

Now that I've finally gotten past this (mostly) I can afford to have a life outside of school again. Whew.

So, let's talk about English Teacher. And OKCupid.

So, I did end up messaging English Teacher back, per Best Friend Rose's request. (Actually, it was more like she forced me to. My fault. I showed her his pictures, and she was hooked. She said she'd be all over him if she were me. Oy.) Due to my skiddishness, and the fact that I'd freaked myself out over the whole teacher thing, Rosie had to type my response for me (allowing that I approved it first, of course). Basically, it said something like 'Yeah, sure, I'm always up for a chat! And thank you, that's a huge compliment!'

After that, he said something about how everyone should compliment everyone more often, and that everyone would be happier. Then I agreed with him, and then he said to ask him anything, that he'd be up to answer it. (Questions of that nature confound me every time. What does 'anything' mean? What's your favorite color? Or, what's the meaning of the universe? Or maybe, how many toes do you have?)
After asking for ideas from Rosie (I was stuck again. Facepalm.), she suggested that I ask about how he started teaching. So I did. His reply was basically, 'Long story. Are you ready for this?' I said something like, 'Oh boy, haha. Ready!'

His reply was practically a mini-novel, starting at how he hated school as a teen and then by chance, he was given the opportunity to teach an English class to non-Native English speakers by his college. After that, he studied for a bit overseas, and the rest was history.

I admit, it was a very cool story, although long, and I told him thanks for telling me all that, and wow, he seemed to really love teaching. I told him I admired his passion for it, and that I've actually considered going after teaching once or twice, but that I didn't think I'd make a good teacher.

And he said (as best I can remember), 'You know what? At one point, you couldn't walk. You couldn't dress yourself. You couldn't feed yourself. But you learned how to. Humans teach and learn all the time. There is not one thing on this Earth you can't be taught to do.'

Smart dude, right? I was pretty impressed. I told him thank you for telling me that, that I needed to hear it.
He said you're welcome, and you're a sweetheart for reading all that. (Not even going to lie, my entire face turned red at that part. I know he meant it in a completely harmless way, but dammit. You can't be so hot and call me that and expect me not to react that way!!)

So by now, it was the day before Christmas Eve. I was texting Best Friend Rose, and she casually brings up that, HEY, our friend Jezebelle also has an OKC, and English Teacher messaged her too!

Um. What.

I found out that he didn't flirt with her or anything, just asked her if she'd ever considered studying overseas, but it still slightly pissed me off, to be quite honest. (To clear things up, I LOVE Jezebelle, so it's not like I hate her and I was pissed that he even talked to her at all. So not like that. It's just that since the 8th grade I've seen guys fall all over Jeze all the time--understandably, because she's gorgeous--so, I'll be the first to admit that I was probably a teeny bit jealous. It was nothing to even be jealous about, so I won't even justify it.)

So even though she didn't respond to him, I decided, okay, time to wrap this up. I realized at this point that he probably didn't see me as anything other than a prospective student anyhow(because earlier he'd casually mentioned he'd taught people that were my age--huge red flag), and I'd had enough lectures (although they were insightful).

So, on Christmas Eve, I just said, 'No problem, it was my pleasure!' and that I hoped he would have a great holiday. He replied that he hoped I would too, and that was the end of that.

Part of me wishes I'd continued to talk to him, but it was for the best. Even if he saw me that way anyway, and even if I decided I didn't have an issue with his age, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. So long, English Teacher. It's been fun.

In other news, last night I got a message from a 29 year old.

..........Am I jailbait, or? I mean, technically I'm legal, so I can't be jailbait, but still. About a month ago, I even got two--count 'em, two--31 year olds messaging me. THIRTY FREAKIN' ONE. ALMOST TWICE MY AGE. WHAT IS GOING ON??

I also kind of find it ironic that the 29 year old was very interested (Greeted me with 'Hey you little devil you'. I kid you not.) and I don't necessarily reciprocate, and yet the smoking hot 25 year old teacher was only interested in teaching me life lessons while I was working hard to suppress inappropriate comments, like about how his smile was like the light of a full moon shining through a patch of clouds at midnight. (IDK. HE'S JUST...HE'S HOT. LEAVE ME BE. My hormones, okay?)

So, you know. Oh well. There will be other hot guys.

In the meantime, I need to get back to work on this catch up AP stuff. There's two papers that are collectively 800 points, so I need to get them done most of all. If I can manage to do that and pass the semester final, I might actually have a chance at this. And if worse comes to worst, I can ask for an extension, too. So, here we go!

By the way, first big update post with no microscopic font. My eyes feel better already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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OKCupid Update}
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2Comment

So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."


Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

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British Doctor Man.}
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 | 8:54 PM | 1Comment

"Hey there. I'm Max*. You sound pretty rad--though I've been a bit intimidated to message you, seeing as how I don't do much reading. (I assume by reading you mean reading novels. In this case, the last book I read was Crime and Punishment and that was quite awhiles ago. I'm sad to say it but I mostly read technical literature.) I decided to get over it, though. Your being pretty is a good motivator. How much High School do you have left?"


Hello, Max/British Doctor man. When I looked at your profile after we began talking for a while, I was very impressed to see that you're studying in London for your Ph. D. Very impressed. And don't ask why I gave you this nickname, seeing as you're not really British and you're not a doctor yet. Just roll with it.

However, I also saw that you're leaving my city to go back to London to continue studying in a matter of a week.

Thanks for asking me to coffee. You're very nice, and cute, and polite, and I wish you all the luck in the world for your Ph. D.
But dude, come on. You're going back to England. Even if we hit things off and we decided right on the first date we wanted to have a white picket fence and hordes of 75% black 25% white children, long distance is a killer. You'll be living your fabulous London 21 year old college life, and I'm a mid-western homeschooled High School girl with no driver's license. Of course, you don't know this yet, and something tells me all of this wouldn't go very well.

So I'll have to say no this time. But I hope you find a British girl that tickles your fancy (was that inappropriate in this context?). Go get 'em!

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: And to Drew, whom revived his OKCupid profile a little while ago not-so-subtly, please stop creeping on my profile. I can see when you visit it, which is every day since you brought back your account, and quite frankly, it's weirding me out. Thank you.

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Blog-a-versaries and New Starts}
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 3:22 PM | 2Comment

INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Let the Online Shenanigans begin?}
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 7:52 PM | 2Comment

Well, Internet.

I'm in the midst of my last weeks of school, and so far this weekend, all I've done is prepare for finals. (All the while studying so hard I could swear that I'm losing hair.) But what was it that I came to tell you about today?

Hmm. Well, probably the fact that I made a profile on an online dating website.

...OKAY, OKAY HOLD ON. Let me start at the beginning, here.

So, it started the day after I wrote my last entry. I was still kind of emotional, kind of tired, and really bored. I was going through this old website account I'd found back from when I was in middle school, one where I used to talk to guys all the time (reference point, Secret #2.) It was pretty entertaining to go through old pictures and my old profile and stuff. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me.
I'm 18 now. I can sign up for dating websites like eHarmony and Match.

Now, mind you, I'm not or will I ever be willing to pay money to meet people online. No freaking way. Because not only do I not have money to begin with, but if I did I wouldn't be spending it to pay people to find a boyfriend for me. No. Just. No.

So, at this point, curiosity was beginning to get to me, so I decided to just take a look at them. Skipping the pay websites, I went to ones like Plentyoffish, the Craigslist personals(but then I remembered the Craigslist killer and promptly left) and in a lapse of judgment, one of those absurd disgusting Friend Finder websites that I am NEVER again in my life going back to.

Finally, I found OKCupid. I found good reviews for it, and it seemed decent from the outside. I also talked to one of my online friends (we'll call her Trudy, I met her on Twitter like two years ago, and we've been friends ever since!) and she's been on there for a while, and she likes it.

So, I figured, eh. Why not? It wouldn't kill me. It seemed reliable. And after all, I was just curious.

So I made an OKCupid account on impulse. And within the first hour of signing up, I got my first message. I wasn't even finished filling in my profile, and they messaged me.
Pretty wary, right? Especially since I had only had my picture up. And it turned out I had every right to be suspicious, because he turned out to be a douche.

But it's been...interesting so far.

On my profile, I specifically put that I'm only looking for new friends, not relationships. And yet, I've already been asked out by 3 guys who barely even took the time to get to know me. And one that straight up asked me what I was wearing. Gross.
And most of them are either boring, pervy, or kind of annoying. Just like real life.

But so far, I've talked to two guys that seem to know the meaning of 'new friends'.
One is a 19 year old that lives one city over, and we've been talking about every sort of nerdy thing you could imagine. I'm talking books, authors, writing, comics, manga, science fiction, you name it. And he's very polite. It's nice talking to someone that I have passions in common with.

And then the other guy I'm talking to is 22, but I keep forgetting the age difference. He moved here from Michigan about a month and a half ago. We don't have that much in common, to be honest, but he's very nice and friendly, and it's fun talking to him. And not once has he mentioned anything that made me uncomfortable, which is a point in my book.

So. Yeah. I don't expect anything out of this, and I'm definitely not taking it seriously. I don't intend on meeting anyone in person. But at least it'll make things a bit more interesting, eh?

And lately I've been tired of not doing, well, anything lately. So this should shake things up, at least.

I still don't want to date at all right now. In fact, I don't want to date for a while. But at least it'll be a good reminder for me that not all guys are bad. In fact, there are good ones. I just have to look past all the nasties.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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I'm right here!



Yup. Lives across the country from me, and is a bit slow to reply to messages sometimes (considering he messaged me first), but understandable, because damn. Daaaamn. I haven't seen someone so attractive on OKC for a long time, possibly ever. The amount of lady fans he must have, wow.

And I mean, look at his profile. Pokemon master. Straight edge. The Great Gatsby. Good literature. Comic books. Edgar Allen Poe. Tattoos, gauges and other various piercings. And he's clever.

Mother of GOD. Move across the country and marry me now, please. PLEASE. Like really. Right now.

Usually I don't even reply to guys that aren't from my state at least, but clearly I'll make an exception here. And a little hipster-y, which is weird because I'm usually not really into hipster guys, but also clearly making an exception here, because wow. Just. Wow. WOW.

I know that absolutely nothing will come of this, but hey. If anything, I'll have another nice online friend to talk to for a little bit. And it's not like he's bad to look at either, if I haven't mentioned that yet. Whew. We'll call him Gatsby.

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Also...DRINK PARTY!!!}
Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 6:49 PM | 1 comment
This guy. Ahahahah. Oh my god.

When I was online sometime last week, he happened to send me a message while I was still online.

"hello how r u" 

Pretty typical message on OKC. But, I saw his picture, got curious, and decided to look at his profile. And it provided lulz for days to come.

The 'drink party' is what gets me the most, I cannot read it without laughing. Partly because of the grammar, and partly because I picture someone with an exaggerated Borat accent screaming, "DRINK PARTY."

Oh, and look what I underlined! Looking for ages 21-33. What the hell is he doing messaging me for?! Dude's 28 and messaging me with worse grammar than people I know that just graduated high school. And call me crazy, but I don't think a 28 year old man would message a 19 year old to be 'new friends' (refer to the part under I'm Looking For, I partially drew over it). Lol. Just lol.

Also, "wanna chill with". Wanna chill with who? The Queen of England? Lindsay Lohan? We'll never know.

Drink Party has since looked at my profile every day since messaging me that last week. I really hope this is a troll account because if it's an actual profile, I want to quit the universe. But I'm more inclined to think someone made it for the lulz.

Either way, lulz were had.

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Dude. Are you kidding me with this?}
| 6:36 PM | 0 comment
I first got this message from him a few days ago:
"Just saying hi! Hope your week's going well!"
Nice of him, right? I didn't look at his profile, but I decided to respond anyway, because I'll rarely ever get decent friendly messages like that on OKC. So last night I respond with, "Thanks, I hope yours is too! :)" Maybe the smiley face was overkill, but I can't help it, I like smilies.

So then, not even an hour later, I get this. Four messages from this guy in a row, each one minute apart. I kid you not. And when I got the notifications, I was doing something else on my iPod, so getting four push notifications in a row was pretty irritating, lol. I thought maybe it was just a glitch, until I checked my email and saw all these.

Like, holy crap. First of all, couldn't he have put them all in one message? I mean really. Why spam me with four little ones with mostly single sentences in them?! This wasn't IM, either. It was in email! I don't...I can't...

This is what they said, in order of message, and I quote:

Message 1: Thanks!
Message 2: We have alot in common haha. I'm probably not as big a book worm as you but I can be a dork
Message 3: Oh and coffee, Italian, not a big partier or drinker also ha
Message 4: Have you traveled much?

...........See, these give me the impression of one aspect of online dating that I never really liked. The 'selling points'. When a person lists off their best qualities one after the other in a single sentence in hopes of you 'buying'. I never liked that. Like, I'm not buying a car here. I'm looking for a relationship. And why try to 'sell' yourself to everybody, most of whom you probably wouldn't have a connection with anyway? That's what makes me so uncomfortable.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be polite, haha. I hardly ever respond to messages on OKC anymore, and I thought I'd start to again, even if it's just to be polite. Perhaps this is why I stopped?

Also, I feel like the 'dork' statement was supposed to be a selling point for me. Should I be...flattered? Haha.

Sigh. Oh OKC.

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Air Force.}
Monday, April 9, 2012 | 9:43 AM | 0 comment
By the way, the guy I was talking to on OKCupid before? The one that works in the Air Force? (We'll call him Air Force.) Yeah, finally logged on and read his message. He gave me his number. It went something to the effect of:



So, we've been talking for a while now. It's sort of tedious to keep
logging on here, so want my number?
Too bad. Have it.
(Enter number here.)

Kind of hot, actually. Some might see it as forceful, but I find it hot. But...here's the thing. Sooooo busy right now. And honestly, I knew this was coming eventually. With Drew, this same exact thing happened. We talked for about two weeks on OKC messages, and then Drew asked for my number, and we started texting. Pretty much saw this one coming. Which is why I haven't texted him.

Air Force is nice. Really, he is. He's quite cool. We have some hobbies in common, and he's nice to talk to. But I have no time to think about dating right now. None. And I know if I text him, I'm going to want to text him all the time, just like Drew. And then texting all the time leads to hopes getting up, and getting closer, and then a date being planned. And then, if all goes well, dating. And if not, then disappointment and it will have just been a giant waste of time that I needed to have in the first place to focus on my last month of school.

Cannot. Date. Right. Now.

You can see I've thought alot about this. Oh. I have. And I kind of feel bad for not texting him, because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, and I really appreciate it and I'm totally flattered. And this has nothing to do with him, because if I were in a better place in my life right now, I'd totally go for him. Totally. But I just cannot afford to right now.

Also, this is kind of beside the point, but lately I've found another obsession to add to my growing list of things that I do in my spare time (which is increasingly less these days). Astrology.

Okay. I'm not one of those people that religiously believe in it and reads their horoscope every morning and stuff. Really. 98.99% of the time, it's just for fun. And 98.99% of the time I'll read things that are supposed to be about the characteristics of Aries and I'm like 'lolwut' because it's like the polar opposite of how I am and it's funny.

But something I like to read about are compatibility stuff. A lot of it is bologna, but then every once in a while, I'll read something that's so accurate I stop and go 'whoa.' Like, for instance, I'm Aries, a fire sign, and all of the fire signs understand each other and get along really well. Rosie's a Leo, another fire sign. And romantically, the fire signs are supposed to have an instant connection, drawn together like soul mates almost. Drew was a Saggittarius, the other fire sign. And Air Force is one too.

Weird, right? A coincedence, but still weird.

But it sort of pisses me off and makes me laugh at the same time because Aries and Saggittarius are suppose to be like, made for each other. And while Drew and I got along, we were nowhere near perfect for eachother.
It makes me wonder if there are people out there that date people just because of their 'sign', and go with someone they believe to be compatible with them only to turn out disappointed like I was.

At the same time, though, there were some things I read about how Saggittarius men are supposed to act, and some of the things I saw, like highly athletic, friendly to everyone, aloof and independent, doesn't really like to talk about emotions, was scarily accurate. Also weird.

So even though I don't believe in these things as 100% absolute fact, some things like that still kind of freak me out with their accuracy.

I'm not gonna lie, part of me wonders if that's another reason why I don't want to take a chance on Air Force right now. They're two completely different people, but at the time, Drew seemed like someone I'd been able to see myself with, too. And the last thing I need is to experience that whole mess twice.

Also got a message from another guy on there recently. He messaged first, saying, "You know who you remind me of?" and I said, "Haha. Who?" And then he said, "An extremely gorgeous girl."

Vomit. Haha, just kidding. I mean, it was sweet, it was. But I was suspicious as soon as I saw it. He's 19, and from the looks of his pictures, very attractive. A Leo. What was the catch? I go to his profile. Oh, there's the catch. He has a kid. A two year old kid. At age 19. With a girl he's no longer with, whom he decided to call a bitch publicly on his profile.

Welp. This is why I don't even bother with guys my age, lol. I wonder if he was on 16 and pregnant?

In other news, Best Friend Rose met a guy on OKC. Up until now, she hadn't really taken it seriously. She mostly made it so we could read each other weird/pervy messages we'd gotten and laugh at them.

But I guess about a month and a half ago, she started talking to his guy on there. Before she knew it, they couldn't stop talking, and soon they exchanged Facebook URLs and numbers, and they were texting nonstop. So about two weeks ago, they met up for coffee. And it went AMAZINGLY.
They talked forever, got along great, and planned their next date. She said he even bought her coffee for her, opened doors for her, and pulled out her chair for her. Waaaah. SO cute. But she really really likes him, and I'm so glad she's found somebody like this, especially during this time in her life. I haven't met him yet, but I'm sure with the way things are going, I'll get to soon.

Also, I'm glad that she met him on OKC, of all places. I haven't had such luck with it, but I'm glad she has. Maybe online dating isn't worthless after all? Maybe just for me? Hahaha.

Also also, I'm supposed to be doing Stats, but I'm stalling right now. Big time. I just have so much on my mind!

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Updates Updates.}
Friday, March 16, 2012 | 3:05 PM | 0 comment
So. Internet. It's time I wrote an update entry, but since I'm pressed for time, it'll be a bulletpoint entry. Yay! (Also, no picture. Sad face.)

Here's what's been going on in my life for the past month or so:

Wow, long bulletpoint entry. But hopefully you got the POINT. Hah. Hah. The POINT.

...I'm stalling. Going back to work now. *drags ball and chain back to desk*

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Font's back to normal but now it's spaced all weird. UGH. Blogger, what's up?)

(EDIT: Fixed the spacing. Whew.)

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29 Year Old's message.}
Monday, January 16, 2012 | 8:53 PM | 0 comment
Hey you little devil you.

I am a tall nerd. Well actually more of the science nerd type. You sound like a great girl and I'd like to get to know you better. I'm (insert real name here)...

See, I'm hard pressed about this. This is a sweet message. It really is, truly. It's very rare that I get nice messages like that. It's not like he's a sleaze ball or a douche bag, or he's illiterate, or anything. And I read his profile, and honestly, he sounds very intelligent and like a man that knows what he wants in life. And that's wonderful.
But 1. He mentioned he's only looking for someone age 21 and up. Maybe he accidentally overlooked my age?
And 2. I just need to be honest here. A grown man who has traveled to countless places, not only literally but in life in general, with a home schooled 18 year old who's still trying to trudge through the second half of her senior year? Tell me we'd have much of anything in common. And I mean, anything. Exactly.

So I'll just do both him and I a favor here. But I hope he finds a classy lady that can keep up with his lifestyle, he deserves it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Small Miracles.}
| 4:12 PM | 0 comment
Internet! Guess what!

Not only has my school life improved by 50% since the last time I wrote, but also, my stress rash is gone! YES. NO MORE ITCHY.

So basically, late last week, I found out from my counselor that my AP class doesn't actually end until the 26th, which gives me WAY more time to catch up! It doesn't guarantee that I'll finish, but still, I'll have more time to try! YES AGAIN.

Also late last week, I finally took my Stats final after days of super hard studying. And in the end, I got..................

...........A 92 FREAKIN' PERCENT.

OKAY. May I remind you that I've never in my life ever gotten a 92% on ANY Math test. EVER. So this is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL.

I still don't quite understand how it happened, even though I did study forever for it, but wow. If there was any time I believed in small miracles in school, this is one of them. I'm still in shock, but it has reduced my stress levels by about 70%. I'm SO relieved.

Now that I've finally gotten past this (mostly) I can afford to have a life outside of school again. Whew.

So, let's talk about English Teacher. And OKCupid.

So, I did end up messaging English Teacher back, per Best Friend Rose's request. (Actually, it was more like she forced me to. My fault. I showed her his pictures, and she was hooked. She said she'd be all over him if she were me. Oy.) Due to my skiddishness, and the fact that I'd freaked myself out over the whole teacher thing, Rosie had to type my response for me (allowing that I approved it first, of course). Basically, it said something like 'Yeah, sure, I'm always up for a chat! And thank you, that's a huge compliment!'

After that, he said something about how everyone should compliment everyone more often, and that everyone would be happier. Then I agreed with him, and then he said to ask him anything, that he'd be up to answer it. (Questions of that nature confound me every time. What does 'anything' mean? What's your favorite color? Or, what's the meaning of the universe? Or maybe, how many toes do you have?)
After asking for ideas from Rosie (I was stuck again. Facepalm.), she suggested that I ask about how he started teaching. So I did. His reply was basically, 'Long story. Are you ready for this?' I said something like, 'Oh boy, haha. Ready!'

His reply was practically a mini-novel, starting at how he hated school as a teen and then by chance, he was given the opportunity to teach an English class to non-Native English speakers by his college. After that, he studied for a bit overseas, and the rest was history.

I admit, it was a very cool story, although long, and I told him thanks for telling me all that, and wow, he seemed to really love teaching. I told him I admired his passion for it, and that I've actually considered going after teaching once or twice, but that I didn't think I'd make a good teacher.

And he said (as best I can remember), 'You know what? At one point, you couldn't walk. You couldn't dress yourself. You couldn't feed yourself. But you learned how to. Humans teach and learn all the time. There is not one thing on this Earth you can't be taught to do.'

Smart dude, right? I was pretty impressed. I told him thank you for telling me that, that I needed to hear it.
He said you're welcome, and you're a sweetheart for reading all that. (Not even going to lie, my entire face turned red at that part. I know he meant it in a completely harmless way, but dammit. You can't be so hot and call me that and expect me not to react that way!!)

So by now, it was the day before Christmas Eve. I was texting Best Friend Rose, and she casually brings up that, HEY, our friend Jezebelle also has an OKC, and English Teacher messaged her too!

Um. What.

I found out that he didn't flirt with her or anything, just asked her if she'd ever considered studying overseas, but it still slightly pissed me off, to be quite honest. (To clear things up, I LOVE Jezebelle, so it's not like I hate her and I was pissed that he even talked to her at all. So not like that. It's just that since the 8th grade I've seen guys fall all over Jeze all the time--understandably, because she's gorgeous--so, I'll be the first to admit that I was probably a teeny bit jealous. It was nothing to even be jealous about, so I won't even justify it.)

So even though she didn't respond to him, I decided, okay, time to wrap this up. I realized at this point that he probably didn't see me as anything other than a prospective student anyhow(because earlier he'd casually mentioned he'd taught people that were my age--huge red flag), and I'd had enough lectures (although they were insightful).

So, on Christmas Eve, I just said, 'No problem, it was my pleasure!' and that I hoped he would have a great holiday. He replied that he hoped I would too, and that was the end of that.

Part of me wishes I'd continued to talk to him, but it was for the best. Even if he saw me that way anyway, and even if I decided I didn't have an issue with his age, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. So long, English Teacher. It's been fun.

In other news, last night I got a message from a 29 year old.

..........Am I jailbait, or? I mean, technically I'm legal, so I can't be jailbait, but still. About a month ago, I even got two--count 'em, two--31 year olds messaging me. THIRTY FREAKIN' ONE. ALMOST TWICE MY AGE. WHAT IS GOING ON??

I also kind of find it ironic that the 29 year old was very interested (Greeted me with 'Hey you little devil you'. I kid you not.) and I don't necessarily reciprocate, and yet the smoking hot 25 year old teacher was only interested in teaching me life lessons while I was working hard to suppress inappropriate comments, like about how his smile was like the light of a full moon shining through a patch of clouds at midnight. (IDK. HE'S JUST...HE'S HOT. LEAVE ME BE. My hormones, okay?)

So, you know. Oh well. There will be other hot guys.

In the meantime, I need to get back to work on this catch up AP stuff. There's two papers that are collectively 800 points, so I need to get them done most of all. If I can manage to do that and pass the semester final, I might actually have a chance at this. And if worse comes to worst, I can ask for an extension, too. So, here we go!

By the way, first big update post with no microscopic font. My eyes feel better already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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OKCupid Update}
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2 comment
So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."


Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

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British Doctor Man.}
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 | 8:54 PM | 1 comment
"Hey there. I'm Max*. You sound pretty rad--though I've been a bit intimidated to message you, seeing as how I don't do much reading. (I assume by reading you mean reading novels. In this case, the last book I read was Crime and Punishment and that was quite awhiles ago. I'm sad to say it but I mostly read technical literature.) I decided to get over it, though. Your being pretty is a good motivator. How much High School do you have left?"


Hello, Max/British Doctor man. When I looked at your profile after we began talking for a while, I was very impressed to see that you're studying in London for your Ph. D. Very impressed. And don't ask why I gave you this nickname, seeing as you're not really British and you're not a doctor yet. Just roll with it.

However, I also saw that you're leaving my city to go back to London to continue studying in a matter of a week.

Thanks for asking me to coffee. You're very nice, and cute, and polite, and I wish you all the luck in the world for your Ph. D.
But dude, come on. You're going back to England. Even if we hit things off and we decided right on the first date we wanted to have a white picket fence and hordes of 75% black 25% white children, long distance is a killer. You'll be living your fabulous London 21 year old college life, and I'm a mid-western homeschooled High School girl with no driver's license. Of course, you don't know this yet, and something tells me all of this wouldn't go very well.

So I'll have to say no this time. But I hope you find a British girl that tickles your fancy (was that inappropriate in this context?). Go get 'em!

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: And to Drew, whom revived his OKCupid profile a little while ago not-so-subtly, please stop creeping on my profile. I can see when you visit it, which is every day since you brought back your account, and quite frankly, it's weirding me out. Thank you.

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Blog-a-versaries and New Starts}
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 3:22 PM | 2 comment
INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Let the Online Shenanigans begin?}
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 7:52 PM | 2 comment
Well, Internet.

I'm in the midst of my last weeks of school, and so far this weekend, all I've done is prepare for finals. (All the while studying so hard I could swear that I'm losing hair.) But what was it that I came to tell you about today?

Hmm. Well, probably the fact that I made a profile on an online dating website.

...OKAY, OKAY HOLD ON. Let me start at the beginning, here.

So, it started the day after I wrote my last entry. I was still kind of emotional, kind of tired, and really bored. I was going through this old website account I'd found back from when I was in middle school, one where I used to talk to guys all the time (reference point, Secret #2.) It was pretty entertaining to go through old pictures and my old profile and stuff. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me.
I'm 18 now. I can sign up for dating websites like eHarmony and Match.

Now, mind you, I'm not or will I ever be willing to pay money to meet people online. No freaking way. Because not only do I not have money to begin with, but if I did I wouldn't be spending it to pay people to find a boyfriend for me. No. Just. No.

So, at this point, curiosity was beginning to get to me, so I decided to just take a look at them. Skipping the pay websites, I went to ones like Plentyoffish, the Craigslist personals(but then I remembered the Craigslist killer and promptly left) and in a lapse of judgment, one of those absurd disgusting Friend Finder websites that I am NEVER again in my life going back to.

Finally, I found OKCupid. I found good reviews for it, and it seemed decent from the outside. I also talked to one of my online friends (we'll call her Trudy, I met her on Twitter like two years ago, and we've been friends ever since!) and she's been on there for a while, and she likes it.

So, I figured, eh. Why not? It wouldn't kill me. It seemed reliable. And after all, I was just curious.

So I made an OKCupid account on impulse. And within the first hour of signing up, I got my first message. I wasn't even finished filling in my profile, and they messaged me.
Pretty wary, right? Especially since I had only had my picture up. And it turned out I had every right to be suspicious, because he turned out to be a douche.

But it's been...interesting so far.

On my profile, I specifically put that I'm only looking for new friends, not relationships. And yet, I've already been asked out by 3 guys who barely even took the time to get to know me. And one that straight up asked me what I was wearing. Gross.
And most of them are either boring, pervy, or kind of annoying. Just like real life.

But so far, I've talked to two guys that seem to know the meaning of 'new friends'.
One is a 19 year old that lives one city over, and we've been talking about every sort of nerdy thing you could imagine. I'm talking books, authors, writing, comics, manga, science fiction, you name it. And he's very polite. It's nice talking to someone that I have passions in common with.

And then the other guy I'm talking to is 22, but I keep forgetting the age difference. He moved here from Michigan about a month and a half ago. We don't have that much in common, to be honest, but he's very nice and friendly, and it's fun talking to him. And not once has he mentioned anything that made me uncomfortable, which is a point in my book.

So. Yeah. I don't expect anything out of this, and I'm definitely not taking it seriously. I don't intend on meeting anyone in person. But at least it'll make things a bit more interesting, eh?

And lately I've been tired of not doing, well, anything lately. So this should shake things up, at least.

I still don't want to date at all right now. In fact, I don't want to date for a while. But at least it'll be a good reminder for me that not all guys are bad. In fact, there are good ones. I just have to look past all the nasties.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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