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On Growing Up and Growing Apart.}
Monday, June 17, 2013 | 5:49 PM | 3Comment

Well, Internet. Little while no see, again! First things first: Finally updated the blog title. Because as of March 29, this anonymous blogger is officially 20 years old.

20. I'm 20. I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD.

It doesn't make sense to me even when I say it out loud to myself again and again. I'm twenty? Me? But.....what?

I mean, for me, when I was a teenager I hardly felt like I was actually a teenager. So now I'm a twenty something. God.......what? WHAT? I STILL FEEL 14 YEARS OLD INTERNALLY. HOW AM I TWENTY.

Of course I know that age is just a number but seeing it just freaks me out, ahahaha. And in the grand scheme of things, 20 is actually quite young. In the grand scheme of things, in terms of adult years, I'm still more like a kid. And hey, I still can't legally drink alcohol. So I'm not fully grown up yet, hahah.

I don't know. I don't think I'm old or anything, because I know I'm not. I'll start freaking out about getting old when I hit 40.

But it's strange. Technically this is no longer a teen blog anymore. That's weird, right? Wow.

Well, speaking of my blog, my 5 year blogoversary was a good few weeks ago, on May 24! I've had this blog for five years. The entire later half of my teenage years. That's pretty long. I'm sorry I didn't create an entry for it on the day of it, I'm still trying to figure out how to balance out all of my hobbies with being healthy, lmao. I'm working on it, though!
Anyway, those of you that have continued to read my blog, thank you so much. I honestly appreciate it. What first started out as something I made to keep my emotions straight and to keep myself sane, it has become a place where I can truly be myself. Thank you for tolerating my crazy. I love you.

So, you guys are probably wonder what the title of this post means. Let's get to that, shall we?

First, let's talk about my birthday. I'm sort of irked that I didn't write about this earlier, but I think that now that I'm writing about it much much later, I'm more rational about it after the fact. Had I written this the day after my birthday, however, I think it would have been super emo and angry, lol.

BUT BUT BUT before my birthday, a few weeks before in fact, something big happened.

Best Friend Rose came over for the first time in.....gosh, I don't even know. It had been at least a month and a half since I'd last seen her. Which I understood, because she'd been super busy with her job as a hostess at a restaurant and with school which was burying her alive. She seemed really stressed, so I didn't want to nag her about not being able to hang out. But finally, she came over for a bit, although she couldn't sleep over because she had work later that night.

We were watching TV and catching up a little bit on what had been going on the past few weeks. I got up and said I had to get something to eat because I was starving, and then suddenly she got really serious and said she had to tell me something important when I got back from getting some food.

I was immediately curious about what it could be, because I hadn't seen Rose look so serious in a long time. In fact, she's rarely so serious. She even looked a little nervous. So I said okay, left and got some food, settled back down on the bed and told her 'shoot'.

She was even more nervous now, so she took in a deep, shaky breath and came out with it. She said she had started seeing somebody.

And her name was Holly*.

I paused for a good 3 seconds before it sunk in. It was just a good few seconds of shock. "Oh," I said. ".....Oh!"

Now Internet, here's why I was shocked: Rose has never once shown any interest like that towards girls before. Like.....ever. I mean, showed in interest at all. No sexual interest, no emotional interest, not even any attraction, from what I can remember. If there had been examples of this in the past, this probably wouldn't have come as much of a shock to me.

Nevertheless, after getting over my momentary shock, I asked how they met. Rose started telling me about her, about how Holly had shown interest in her first and treated her amazingly, and about how Rose really really liked her for her personality. She did mention that she isn't attracted to her sexually, and how if they were ever intimate she wasn't sure if she would be used to it. So I do wonder about that, but honestly, she seems really happy.

I told her as long as she's being treated right, and she's happy, then I'm happy for her and I support her. After I told her that, she started crying. I can imagine it was really hard to tell me all that, especially considering the way she grew up.

She was raised in a very very strict Protestant family, and while Rose told me that she told her sisters and her mom already, and they were very supportive of her, she still hasn't told her dad. Which I completely understand.

Her parents got divorced while we were in middle school, and while I like her dad......how should I say this.....he's controlling. While I think he considers himself strict, it's more that he's a bit controlling and a bit of a misogynist. Growing up, he never hesitated to tell Rose, her sister, and his wife when they were 'getting fat', or other similar criticisms to that. He was very strict religiously, as well. He forbade his daughters from watching shows and movies that were what he called 'ungodly'. Made sure they never wore low cut shirts or shorts or mini skirts; (if I'm remembering this one correctly) if things were written on their clothes, they had to be Bible quotes. I kid you not.

So..........yeah. As you can imagine, telling her dad would be a complete and utter disaster. I honestly feel like he'd end up doing something crazy, like disowning her, or some crazy shit like that. Which is really sad, but you know how some people are. And he's just one of those people.

So I completely understand keeping this from her father. In fact I think it's the wise thing to do, tbh. And I'm happy that her sisters and mother are super supportive and happy for her, as well. Shows the kind of people they are, I think.

So yeah! Shocking, yes. I never expected Rose to be bi, like ever. (She says she still likes guys too, by the way. Holly just happens to be the first girl she's ever liked.) But I felt honored that she trusted me enough to tell me, and I'm glad that she's happy. I don't think she's ever been this happy in a relationship with a guy, which says something I think.

But while this is all well and good, we come back to the original topic.......my birthday.

Weeks before my birthday, I asked Rose if we could do something on my birthday. This idea meant a lot to me, considering the fact that my 19th birthday had been very lonely and somewhat disappointing. (Refer here.) I told her I just wanted to have a nice day and spend some time with my best friend, since I hadn't gotten to last year. We decided on seeing a movie and going to lunch afterwards, since she (awesomely!) had that day off. I was excited about doing something fun for a change on my birthday, as I hadn't done something with her on my birthday since my 18th birthday. I even kept reminder her of it, telling her not to make plans. And as the day drew closer, the more and more excited I got that I actually had birthday plans.

Then the day of my birthday came.

The day started out with me waking up somewhat late (whoops) but seeing my birthday card and birthday money from my parents (they had to go to work early) getting texts and tweets from my k-pop friends saying Happy Birthday (I'll breach this subject in another entry). And seeing them all put me in such a good mood, and I was in a breezy mood all throughout getting ready. I picked a super super cute outfit, did my makeup all pretty, and about the same time I finished getting ready, Rose and her sister arrived to pick me up.

Her sister dropped us off at the theater, and we were already late to the movie so there wasn't much catching up done at all as we power-walked into the theater just as the movie's opening credits were playing. (We saw Oz, by the way. I kind of hated it, but this isn't a movie review so ANYWAY)

Sometime during the movie, Rose leaned over and whispered that her sister couldn't pick us back up again as she'd said, so Holly was going to instead.

All I could do was whisper back, "Okay," and hope the movie wouldn't end too soon.

However, when the movie ended, and we both went to the bathroom, I asked to clarify, "Is Holly having lunch with us?"

"Yeah," she said. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. "Why?"

Immediate unease and slight annoyance. So, she had just invited her to my birthday lunch? Without asking me first? All righty, then. "Oh. I was just asking."

At my stiff tone, she glanced at me again. "It's okay, isn't it?"

This question annoyed me even more, tbh. On the one hand, the way she had said the question had made it sound like it wasn't a question. Like she just expected me to be cool with it even the hadn't even asked me about it. On the other hand, I didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter. It wasn't like I could just say no, because this situation 1. felt like a set up just so I could meet her girlfriend and 2. felt like a true test of my 'support', which I didn't think was exactly fair. But what could I do about it? Say no and walk home?

"Yeah, sure." was all I said.

Now, let me clarify here: I wasn't uneasy and annoyed that she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. No, no no. Far from it. I told Rose I wanted to meet Holly before, and I really meant it. Of course I wanted to meet the person that was making my best friend happy. The reason I was uneasy and annoyed was because of the following reasons:

  • No one else would be there. And I fucking hate being a third wheel. With every fiber of my being. Especially when Rose is involved because I'm sorry but whenever Rose is dating someone, they're always super PDA-y and nauseating and there's nothing I hate more than couples like that all up in my face, to be quite honest.
  • I'm really horrible with meeting new people, and before meeting new people, I like to kind of prepare myself so I don't come off as a standoffish bitch because of my shyness.
  • It was my birthday and all I had wanted was to spend some 1 on 1 time with my best friend and catch up and talk like old times. That was all I wanted, especially after my terrible last birthday. And now that was ruined. 

So, it went pretty awful. As soon as Holly arrived, they went off into their own world and Rose pretty much ignored me the entire time. When we went to lunch, Holly paid for all three of us, which I really honestly did appreciate, but right after that it was back to me being invisible. And I did try to talk to Rose, believe me, it's not like I just sat there and went "PAY ATTENTION TO ME", or anything like that. But every attempt was futile. So I pretty much sat there miserable and picked at my food and texted my other friends while they were practically on each other's laps and kissed and talked about inside jokes.

Finally when it was over, I gave Holly directions to my house, and when I got there Rose walked me to my door, I stiffly hugged her goodbye, and when I got inside my mom was home. I basically ate the rest of my food from the restaurant, told her how horribly things went, and then cried because of how angry I was.

Later that day, after going out to dinner with my family and having a much better time compared to lunch, I quickly logged onto Facebook to reply to and like the birthday posts on my wall. And it wasn't until then I realized that I'd never gotten any birthday messages from Rose. Not one Facebook post, not one text. Not even when she had greeted me that morning in person.

Not one.

And I realized something. Something that I'm honestly shocked took me so long to figure out.

There have been times that Rose has been good to me, even great to me, and our friendship was really strong. But there have also been times (that have been increasing the past year or so) when she's, honest to God, treated me like shit. This was one of those times.

And honestly? Every other person in my life that has seen how she treats me has told me this. My parents have said this to me many times. Johnny used to say this time me all the time. Jazz has told this to me multiple times over the years, the most recent time being the day we both got in the car accident last year (look here). It's what I cried about in the middle of Panda Express, because that day, for the first time, I'd realized that she was right.

So fast forwarding back to my birthday this year, after realizing that she hadn't even told me Happy Birthday at all, I felt sorry for myself. I really honestly just felt sorry for myself. Had I really been treated that way, by my own 'best friend', on my birthday? And I was just going to take it?

Of course I was going to take it, I thought. Because I always had. I was always Sweet Sarah. The Sarah that never got mad. The Sarah that was always understanding. The Sarah that always got stepped all over because people could get away with it.

And if you'll recall, this isn't the first time I've felt this way. (Refer to this whole entry.) And I'm just...really really really fucking sick of feeling like this.

I need new friends. I need friends that won't make fun of the things I like and friends that actually want to talk to me and friends I have stuff in common with and friends that won't treat me like shit. Which I have found, by the way. They just don't live here. (Again, I'll write about this in another entry sometime soon, hopefully.)

I'm sort of torn at this point because...well. It's not good timing.

I've seen Rose once since my birthday, and I told her that I was upset about my birthday and why I was upset. And I made sure to make it abundantly clear that no, it wasn't because I didn't want to meet Holly. That was why I was hesitant to tell her in the first place, because I thought she would immediately assume I wasn't supporting her relationship. I reiterated multiple times that that wasn't it, and I didn't want her to think it was.
But I still told her how much I hated being a third wheel, and how uncomfortable it made me to be one, and it didn't matter that it was me being a third wheel with Rose there because being a third wheel makes me super super super uncomfortable and nervous, regardless of who's involved.

I always was with her boyfriends before, which was why I never hung out with her alone while she was around any of them, only with other people there as well, and her being with a girl now doesn't change that fact at all. It's just part of my personality that I can't explain and that hasn't changed since Middle School, and I'll probably always feel skiddish being alone around couples. That's just how I am, and I've accepted it.

However, when I told her, she seemed to understand, but still seemed to approach it from a 'So, how can we fix this aspect of you?' angle instead of just accepting it. But at least I told her, that was what I had to do, and I felt a little better about it after I got it off my chest. Also, she said, sort of unsympathetically, that she hadn't meant to make me feel that way, and apologized (sort of half-heartedly). I still don't think she really gets why I was upset, but there. It's done now at least.

I'm just......really tired of this. I don't know if it was a combination of what happened on my birthday with the realization that she walks all over me, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. Again, this is really bad timing, and I'm torn because I don't want her thinking that I'm distancing myself from her because of her new relationship. And I can imagine she's probably going through a lot emotionally right now, because of these new changes.

But on the other hand, I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of trying to be there for someone who is never there for me. Tired of being ignored for weeks at a time. I call her my best friend, but is she? Is she really? Because I can count on one hand more people I'm closer to right now than her.

I think it just happened gradually, and I'm only really starting to notice it now. As of late, I feel like I can't talk to her like I used to, because we have nothing in common anymore. We used to talk about reading and books and movies and manga and concerts and boys.
She doesn't read at all anymore. She doesn't like movie marathon nights and sleepovers anymore. She just wants to party and get drunk and go to bars all the time when she's not working. She hates 'anything asian', as she calls it; she used to watch anime and read manga with me all the time, and now she has this prejudice attitude towards anything remotely from Asia, even says she doesn't like Asian people which....doesn't fly with me for many reasons. (One being that Asian pop culture is like...my whole life basically? And another being that saying you don't like an entire race of people is entirely ignorant and borderline racist and completely not okay to say at all.) We don't even like the same music anymore.

By the way, did I mention Holly is 25 and has a 3 year old? Oh. Yeah. I left that important fact out. She's a mom. And Rose is completely gung-ho about becoming a step-mother figure already. At age 19. She already spends all of her time with this kid, and they're all basically a family already. Which is something else I can't really relate to.

I mean, if she's happy, that's good. I'm glad she's happy. But at this point it's like....it's like we're not even at the same point of our lives anymore. And I've hung out with her four times in the past six months. I just...don't even know who she is anymore.

We're still friends. Of course we're still friends. We've known each other since we were 4 years old. We'll probably always be friends.

But best friends? ...............................No. I have to be realistic about this. We're not best friends. Not right now. Maybe we will again someday, but not now. Maybe not for a while.

I know this happens. I'm mature enough to realize that people grow apart after High School. It happens to everybody. It's not this huge disaster, it's just a part of growing up. Plus, considering all the time we spent together in High School, and in Middle School before that, and in Elementary School before that, it's just time. I think it was only a matter of time before we'd start to grow apart, and it just so happens to be now. But I think this will be good for me.

Because to be perfectly honest, she was a huge part of my childhood. And I'll cherish the memories that we have already had, and they're wonderful memories. But it's time for me to grow up now.

I need to learn about who I am without her. I need to make new friends that I didn't grow up with. I need to find out who I am. And maybe that will be without her for a while.

And that's okay.

We'll probably still hang out every once in a while like it is now, but the other day I was thinking about this. I realized how all throughout online school I basically...relied on her to have a life outside of schoolwork. Whether I left the house or not, whether I did fun things or not, where all dependent on her. I basically revolved my whole life around whether she was free or not.

Do you realize how sad that is? No wonder I was practically miserable all the time.

SO, yes. Growing apart. But it's natural. And to honest...it's needed. And now it'll give me room to find other friends, and people that will actually be there for me as much as I'm there for them.

It's scary making new friends at my age, lmao. Now it's much more beyond just asking someone to push you on the swingset or sharing your chips with them at lunch. But I can do it. Life goes on after High School, you know.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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