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June 14th, a.k.a. the day my life changed again.}
Monday, June 25, 2012 | 3:36 PM | 0Comment

Wow, internet. Where to begin?

This'll be another long one, so bear with me guys.

By the way, yes. It's me. Just me. Don't worry, I won't be writing anymore articles on here, it's just that I felt like I really had to write that, to maybe help those out there starting online school that are as totally clueless like I had been. I know I would have loved any sort of advice, or reassurance, about it.

ANYWAY. Wow. I can't believe it's taken me over a week to write this.

Tbh I think that up until now I was still so freaked out and dazed about everything, and I don't think I would have been able to collect my thoughts adequately enough. I'm still a little dazed about it, though. Sometimes when I think back on it, it just feels like a dream, sometimes vivid, sometimes fuzzier. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

So. June 14th, 2012. I type it out like that because I don't think I'll forget this day for a long, long time.

The day started out oddly. I remember specifically waking up and just being cranky. This generally happens when I go to bed in the wee hours of the early morning, which I'm sure I did, because summertime and all. Even if I go to bed at like 4 but sleep until like 11 or 12, I'm still horribly cranky. I'm not sure why, but there ya go.

So, I wake up at like 12ish, I'm pissy, and maybe 15 minutes after that, my mom knocks on my door. When I answer, 'Yeah?' I'm sitting up in bed, literally still waking up and in my pajamas. And my mom, says in a loud whisper, "Jazz is here."

Now, this bewilders me. Not only because to me, it's still the morning, but also because the last time I saw Jazz, it was at her graduation.

Let me tell you, it was weird going to my old school's graduation. I think that was my final realization that it really was my old school. I looked at that graduating class, saw some kids that I'd know since I was four or five years old, and realized that I wasn't graduating with them.
Up until then, I'd always called it 'my old school' and acknowledged that it was something not in my life anymore, but I think a small part of me (even if it was the most microscopic of the microscopic) still actually believed that I still belonged there. I mean, the friends I met there are basically still my social circle. And like I said, some of those people I've known since I was a really tiny person, like Best Friend Rose, so it's almost as if...as if I've never known anything else. My whole life growing up was that school.


For public schools, it's different. You go to a public elementary school for 5-6 years (if you don't switch schools all the time), and then you leave. And then you go to a public middle school for 3 years, and again, if you don't switch schools, you go to school with those people for 3 years. And then you leave. And then same goes for the 4 years of high school. But for me, from when I was 4 years old to when I left at 16, that place...was my entire childhood. 
And I think I'd had such a hard time letting go of that place because it was like letting go of my childhood, and letting go of all the memories I'd had there. My life revolved around that place for so long that part of me still felt attached.

But when I saw my fellow classmates graduate, it's like that door finally closed. Seeing that they were all graduating, all the kids I grew up with, and moving on from that school, I could finally let go. It's like the attachment that I had to that place has released.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I thought if there was any graduation I cried rivers at (besides my own, lol) it would be Best Friend Rosie's and Jazz's and all my old classmates. But I didn't. Not at all. Not even afterwards. Instead I almost just felt this...relief. It sounds awful, I know. And hell, I didn't even go there anymore, so it shouldn't have mattered anyway. But I was relieved, and I didn't know if it was more for me or for them. But one thing I know I was relieved about was this: although there were the select few kids still going there that I'd gone to elementary school with, the rest, I couldn't wait to never see them again. Which is normal to feel, I'm sure. Because as much as I'd liked some of the people that went there, others I couldn't wait to get away from. Adios, bitches. See you at the 20 year reunion.

ANYWAY, THAT WASN'T EVEN MY POINT. June 14th, right. Lol. Sorry!

My point was that when I saw Jazz at her graduation, it was...awkward at best. Considering before that, the last time we talked was before my birthday, which I was kinda upset about because she had not even wished me a happy birthday. Not once. Not even a birthday text. So that whole time we hadn't talked, even though I'd tried to text her. I thought I'd done something to piss her off, BUT, as it turned out, she'd been texting my old number for the whole two months we hadn't talked, and though that I was mad at her. Purely a mis-communication.

So, after mom told me to hurry up and get ready because I had a guest downstairs, she shut the door and left me to scurry around my room, flustered and confused because I hate it when people show up unannounced and I was also still trying to remember my own name. Eventually I figured out how to put some sweats on and I ventured downstairs, a bit wary. When I came into the living room, though, immediately Jazz explained to me what happened with the texting thing, also adding that she'd dropped her phone in the toilet and lost half of her contact information, which explains why she was texting my old number.

So after that I was less wary, but still cranky, which is why when Jazz asked if I wanted to go out for lunch, I almost immediately turned it down. Jazz asked why not, and I really couldn't come up with more of an excuse other than 'because I just woke up' and 'because I look like crap'. Jazz countered all of my excuses, and then my mom joined in, making it two against one and clearly I lost.

I went upstairs to shower after that, put together the cutest outfit I could for the weather (it was blazing hot, but I hadn't shaved my legs, haha. So white jeans it was!) and put my wet hair in a ponytail and put mascara on and sucked it up as we left the house and got into Jazz's car.

I was still pretty prickly as we drove away, but then as we talked and as we pulled into the Panda Express parking lot, I was feeling a little brighter. We walked into the restaurant (and this random guy said hi to us from his car for some reason, idk.) and got some food, and then I was in a much better mood.

We talked about a lot of stuff, basically just catching up on everything we'd missed the past few months, and when she asked how I'd been doing, I decided to just be honest and come clean about everything I'd been feeling and going through the past few months, and I mean everything. Like everything I've been whining about on here for months, lol. And then out of nowhere, we started talking about Rosie, and for some reason I started crying. In the middle of Panda Express. Yeah. Super embarrassing. But Jazz just sat patiently and understandingly, not embarrassed in the slightest. (But what we talked about, I'll save for another entry.)

So after I thoroughly embarrassed myself, and hardly ate any of my food, I got a takeaway box and we decided to go head to the bookstore to look around. After getting in the car, though, Jazz asked if I liked eclairs. I told her I had never had one, and she asked if I wanted to go by the bakery and try one. (But secretly, I know this is mostly just a ploy to get me to meet her boyfriend. I've seen her so little lately, he hasn't even come up on here, but they've been dating for a few months now. Online school kid like me, and he had gone to my old school before switching to online school. But I'd never actually met him before, since he went to my old school after I'd already left. She's been wanting me to meet him for a good while now, so I pretty much saw this coming, haha.) So I say sure, because who in their right mind would turn down a fresh pastry? NOT THIS GIRL.

So we head over to this place, and it's a cute little locally owned Dutch bakery, and as soon as you walk in you're greeted by 3 little table and chair sets and the smell of baking sweets. Super cute. And then while we're waiting while a couple ahead of us orders what they want, Jazz and I looked at everything they have. There's the desserts, of course, but then they have a bunch of Dutch and German candy and snacks, too. Did I mention I want to go back there? Because I do. Badly.

Then a guy who I assume to be her boyfriend, Dan*, comes out, and she greets him cheerfully. They exchange some cute couple-y banter, and then Jazz introduces us. He was slightly reserved, and tall, but seems very nice. It's not hard to see why Jazz would like this guy so much.

After all that, Jazz asks for an eclair, and I actually go for the tiramasu. (I know I know, I copped out. But I LOVE TIRAMASU.) Then I also get two candy necklaces, because they're fifty cents each. I pay for both of our stuff, and after taking to Dan some more, we eat our desserts. My tiramasu was made in heaven and then fell through the clouds and down to Earth. I swear. That stuff was unearthly. And when Jazz couldn't finish the last bite of her eclair, I ate it, and it was pretty dang good too. (A little bit too rich for my taste, though. But still good.)

So after finishing, and saying bye to Dan, we head over to Barnes and Noble. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for my wallet, I'd spent all of my money at the bakery (though to be fair I didn't have that much on me in the first place), so I couldn't buy anything while we were there. Because, hoo boy. Trust me. Did I want to buy things. I haven't been to the bookstore since my birthday (Yes! You heard right! Since my birthday. Don't know how I've survived this long tbh.) and I've accumulated quite a long 'to buy' book list. I almost had to physically restrain myself from stuffing books down my shirt and making a run for the doors, lol.

While we were there, my dad called to ask me what I wanted for dinner from the place that my mom and dad were eating for their anniversary (yeah, incidentally this was their anniversary, too. 31st anniversary. My heroes.) and I told him as quietly as I could because people were glaring at me because apparently answering phone calls in Barnes and Noble is against the law. So yeah, they'd order for me and just bring it home in a box for me. Outback Steakhouse. (It was delicious, btw.)

So when we were done at Barnes and Noble, and Jazz got a Father's Day gift for her dad, as well as a book I've been wanting for a good while (which I told her that she HAD to let me borrow asap!). And then we got back in the car, getting ready to head back to Jazz's house, where my parents would pick me up.

I remember the drive back to her house very vividly. As we were leaving the Barnes and Noble parking lot, I very specifically remember saying, "This was a nice day, wasn't it? This was fun." and then Jazz agreeing with me enthusiastically, and then we both agreed to do it more often. A few songs came on the radio that we liked, and we turned it up louder and obnoxiously sang along, and as we sang it began to rain, and we pointed out each raindrop as it fell on the windshield, because we're 10 year olds.

Then.

We were driving down a very busy main road, and it was oddly backed up for a good while. We wondered why until we saw a few police cars and an ambulance stopped by a stalled car. I also remember Jazz very specifically saying, "Do you think they hit a pedestrian?" while we gazed out the windows at it.

"I don't know," I said, staring. I couldn't see anyone hurt.

"That's what it looks like to me," said Jazz. "Like they hit a pedestrian."

Maybe 2 minutes later, it happened. We were literally 3 minutes from Jazz house, but still on the main road. Cars were still backed up, so we were going slightly slower than usual, and Jazz decides to get into the turning lane. We're going normal speed now, maybe 5 to 6 mph under the speed limit.

In not even two blinks, it happens.

For a split second I see this man darting through the cars in the lane next to ours. And then he LEAPS IN FRONT OF OUR CAR.

It seriously happens before I can process what's happening, and even when I think on it now, I only remember certain details.

I remember Jazz slamming on the breaks, but the immediate thought in my mind that we were going too fast and we wouldn't stop fast enough to avoid him.

I remember covering my eyes with my hands because I knew it wasn't going to turn out well.

I remember hearing him hit the car and crashing into the windshield, and the deafening sound of breaking glass.

I remember Jazz screaming loudly and then hearing myself screaming too, although I don't remember even stopping to think to scream. It's like it just tore out of me automatically, as a basic primal response, because I've literally never been so scared in my life and for a few seconds I genuinely thought, "What if I die right now?"

It was all over in a few seconds, but it felt like hours. For a moment or two Jazz and I just sat there going, "Oh my god, oh my god."

Then Jazz shouts, "Is he okay??"

And I shake my head and somehow say, "Go check, go check!" And I say somehow because at that moment I was in a huge daze, and I don't even know how I managed to formulate that response.

So Jazz jumps from her seat and throws the door open and then spins around and yells, "Call 911!" And it takes me a second to realize that she's talking to me, because I've never been in a situation where I've had to call 911 before. So after she gets out, I just sit there for another few moments before realizing that I need to take out my phone now and call 911.

I rummage through my purse for a good thirty seconds, almost panicking that I'd somehow lost my phone between then and Barnes and Noble, but I find it and then curse under my breath when I realize that the battery is low. I unlock the screen and stare at it some more, forgetting how it works all of a sudden, and then I remember and figure out how to dial the numbers with shaking hands. Then I forget to hit the talk button after dialing. And then I realize I've been sitting in the car this whole time, and I'm suddenly scared shitless of this car and I jump out of it and slam the door, almost not remembering to stay away from the traffic speeding by mere feet away from the car door.

(After telling my parents about this later, my mom tells me I was in shock, but I really just felt like an idiot. We hit a man with our car, for all I knew his life DEPENDED on me, and I couldn't remember how to use my phone to call 911.)

I walk to the other side of the car where I see Jazz knelt next to the man, who's laying down on the concrete median and bleeding from his head, and there are at least five or six other people there gathered around them both looking concerned. There was also other people stopped in their cars and looking on gape-mouthed in the lane next to ours and on the other side of the median. I briefly notice other random details--one of the guy's shoes right in front of me on the ground, along with his broken sunglasses, his other shoe a good fifteen feet away, and a chunk of his long hair stuck on the jagged edges of the windshield.

Meanwhile I was still trying to figure out how my phone worked. Eventually I successfully dialed it, and it was ringing, but by now there were 3 other people around me, including Jazz, that were on the line with operators already, and the line just kept ringing and ringing and because I wasn't in my right mind I got frustrated and hung up before anybody answered. Not smart, I know. Because in the following hour they kept trying to call me back, but I ignored all their calls. Also stupid. But I felt so worthless at that moment because it had taken me so long and Jazz was counting on me and I'd failed. And I also had the irrational fear that when they did pick up, I would have no clue what to say, because I couldn't think straight. Still pretty disappointed in myself for this, honestly. But I was just so freaked out.

So everyone was standing around the guy and he was groaning in pain(we found out later that he's my age, 19 years old), and there were two men, one in an Air Force uniform and one in a dress shirt and pants (business man?) stabilizing him and talking to him until the paramedics got there. Among the others there was a woman, and younger boy, maybe 13 or so, that looked like her son, and then another man that I can't even remember the face of. Again, they were all gathered around him, along with Jazz, and I was literally standing six feet away with my hands covering my mouth, frozen.

I swear I didn't do this on purpose, or consciously, it was just like I couldn't even make myself move. Adrenaline was still rushing through me and my heart was pounding and I was so scared. For him, for what just happened, and in general. I don't think I've been this scared in my life.

Police came much quicker than I'd expected, but they had literally been just yards away at the other accident, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. Then after the police came, the firemen and ambulance came all at once, only I don't even remember hearing their sirens coming, it was like they just appeared. I think it was around this time when it finally hit me and Jazz, because Jazz started to freak out. Up until then, she'd been surprisingly calm and collected and had handled it really well, but then she started to cry and hyperventilate. All I could do was try to soothe her and give her lots of hugs, and actually the other people there were trying to comfort her too, all telling her there was no way she could have seen him, even though they were complete strangers.

I told her I'd call her dad for her because she couldn't bring herself to do it, and suddenly I could remember how to use my phone again, and I was the calm one. It took a few numbers, but I got a hold of him and told him in the calmest voice I could manage that we'd been in an accident and that the other person was hurt, but we were both home. Thankfully, he was home at the time, and it took him five minutes to get there. After he got there and began comforting Jazz, I called my dad, and told him that me and Jazz would be a little late getting to her house because something happened, but that we were both okay and not to worry.

I didn't tell him right off the bat that I'd been in an accident because I know them so well and I KNOW they would have been worried sick and would have dropped everything to get to me, anniversary or not, but I would have felt awful for scaring them like that, especially after such a nice anniversary dinner. I figured it would just be better to tell them in person so that they could see that I was fine, that Jazz was fine, and that everything was okay. (They thanked me for this later, because my dad said, as I'd predicted, that they would have really freaked out if I told them over the phone.)

Everything else after that happened in a blur. The paramedics took the guy away in an ambulance, and then most of the other people left except for the mother and her son. (I wish I'd gotten the chance to thank the others, though, they were so nice to us.) A very handsome fireman asked us some questions (not even exaggerating. He looked like a model posing in a firemen costume in a calendar, not like an actual fireman.), and then a policeman asked us some questions after that. Another few firemen took Jazz's blood pressure, and then Jazz's brother and his wife showed up. After that, we filled out some forms, and the policeman took some measurements of the scene, and the firemen left while waving at us. Then the mom and her son left after  filling out witness forms, giving us both kind words of encouragement. And then it was all over, and then we left to Jazz's house.

Me and Jazz and Jazz's sister in law all rode in Jazz's dad's car, while her brother drove her car. Needless to say, when my parents saw Jazz's car drive up with a shattered windshield, they were shocked, but I explained everything right away so they didn't have time to freak out.

Since then, we've found out that the guy we hit is fine. Just got a deep cut on the back of his head and some bruises on his legs, which is actually a miracle, because he could be dead right now. I'm still amazed at this. It could have been so much worse. As soon as we'd hit him, I was sure he'd be dead, but he isn't, and with no broken bones to top it all off. You don't see that everyday, and I'm really so glad he's okay. (Also, weird fact--this guy named Brad* that Jazz and I went to school with and were in a band with very briefly, he has his own band now, and this kid--this kid that we hit--is the bassist in his band. I KNOW. What are the odds? Small world, really small world.)

Looking back, I still can't believe it happened. It was probably the scariest thing that I've ever been though. But, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad I went through it. Because that was first ever car accident, and it was Jazz's first car accident since getting her license. And I'm glad we were there for each other for this.

You know, before this day, I was unsure about where our friendship was going, and I was positive that we'd never be as close as we were before. But after June 14th, I'm sure of it: we'll be friends for life. I think this day was a sign that of that, and this whole thing made us even closer than before.

Also in a weird sort of way, I think it was fate. It sounds crazy, I know, but I mean, think about it. What if we had stayed in Barnes and Noble longer? What if we'd never gone to the bakery? What if we'd just stopped at Panda Express and then I went back home? Where would our friendship be? Would it be exactly like it had been before all of this happened?

Maybe it was a coincidence, but it was just the coincidence that our friendship needed. Despite all the crap we'd gone through our senior year, I for sure know it now: Jazz and I are meant to be friends.

And this is going to sound so screwed up and weird, so let me try and say this in the best way possible: Even this accident was awful, and I'll probably never see a pedestrian run across a busy street again without freaking out, also in a way, I'm glad it happened. Because it was my reality check.

For me it was just another reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how quickly it can change, and why that's why I can't live my life waiting around anymore. (A.k.a., the past three school years.) If I sit around waiting for things to happen, I end up sitting around and wasting my time, time I could have used doing something great. This sounds dramatic, but I've had to consider this: What if that accident had been much worse? What if everyone involved had been seriously injured, or worse? We're lucky that Jazz and I weren't, not to mention there was not a scratch on us. And even luckier that the guy wasn't seriously injured, or even dead.

It's a privilege for all of us to be alive right now. If I had gone having lived my life they way it's been......

I can't even finish that sentence. The thought itself horrifies me.

No more waiting.


No more being afraid to try.


No more living in my room day after day. 


I'm so tired of this. It's time to change. It's time to live.

For a few days after this had happened, I was still freaked out, and I was super sore, so I took it easy for a few days and got my rest. But now I'm okay.
I was mostly concerned about Jazz, considering she was the one driving, and considering her past and all (for  the record, her mom died in a car accident when she was 11) I was worried about how she'd take it, and for a while she was pretty upset, but I think she's doing all right, now. As far as I know, anyway. But I'm still worried, not gonna lie. Jazz tends to bottle things up when something's bothering her, so maybe I'll see when I see her in person next.

In the meantime, it's taking smaller steps to change for me. We found a great house, and it looks like that's the one we'll be moving to. We need to be out of this house by next Sunday, so this'll be the last week in this house. I'm excited about the new house, but I'm also still pretty sad about leaving this one.

I just need to cherish my last days in this house as best I can.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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