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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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hindsight is 20/20. (secret #8.) }
Tuesday, September 2, 2014 | 12:17 AM | 0Comment

You know how sometimes you look back on things in your life, and you wonder how you could have been so oblivious to something so obvious--and you just wonder how you couldn't see things clearly then?

Some of you guys may recall this iconic entry of mine: the legendary Noodles & Co trip of my Junior year. Remember the part where I said that Best Friend Rose whispered to me that she had something to tell me later, but I never said what it was?

I don't know why I never said what she said, I guess I just forgot and forgot and kept forgetting and forgot for a good 4 years, hahaha. But here's what she told me, later that night on a phone call after the football game: 

Before I showed up to the game, Ricky Bobby asked everybody if I was coming to the game. Everybody. Repeatedly. And talked about me the whole time, saying how much he wanted to hang out with me again. And when he was told that I was coming, he was excited.

Now. The other day, I randomly thought of this night. (I do this every once in a while, it's a fond high school memory for me after all. It'll probably always be special to me.) And I remembered another part of that night that I'd forgotten to write about.

It was after we'd come back to the football game after the trip to Noodles & Co, when Burrito had left and Johnny had run off somewhere else and it was just me and Ricky Bobby, finally alone, sitting in the grass, with his leg on top of mine. 

Internet...I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to say something to him. About the 8th grade. About how I felt. Because as of then, I had still never talked about how I felt about him to him, never ever confronted it at all. Even when he found out that I had feelings for him, it was always through other people. And the two years that he'd lived far away, I'd wished so badly that I'd told him the truth, the whole truth, about how I felt about him. At least once.

And that night, alone on the grassy hillside with him, I came so close. I wanted nothing more than to look into his eyes, and hold his hand(I even did this stupid thing where I randomly started ripping up the dried grass and handing it to him, just so I could touch his hand. Pathetic and elementary school of me, I know.), and tell him how much I missed him and cried over him after he left, and how I never stopped thinking about him once during those two years.

I even opened my mouth after a long silence, and said, "Hey...Ricky Bobby. Can I tell you something?"

And when he leaned toward me and said, "Of course," I completely shut down and was immediately terrified of what I was doing and thought I'd lost my mind.

So I said, "Never mind." 

And that was it. He prodded at me, asking me again and again what I wanted to tell him, and I laughed it off and told him it was nothing. I think he might have sensed that what I was going to say was serious, and he always was perceptive of emotions--there were times where he would look into my eyes and I felt like he could see right through me--so maybe he read it all over my face. But I said never mind. And the moment passed. And I never said it.

Isn't it terrifying how something so important could go unsaid forever? Like all of the possibilities just vanish and float away into space, never to be seen again.

I don't know why I left those out before, actually. Maybe it was just that I forgot. Or maybe it was because I knew that those were things--not amazing things, but little things, things that if I had looked into them before, I could've seen that maybe, just maybe, Ricky Bobby wanted me to tell him how I felt. And the reason he wanted to hang out with me so badly was because he wanted to get to know me better, and talk to me more, and maybe even just...see me. See my face to see it, because he wanted to. 

I'm not saying he definitely had an interest in me, I'm just saying that the possibility was there. And I was so terrified of being rejected by him again that I was too scared to take a chance on that possibility. So scared of him breaking my heart again that I ran away. 

Hell, even in that birthday voicemail he and Johnny left me, he still wanted to see me. Almost 6 months later. And yet I still ran. I ran as fast as I could from him.

Had I had a second chance at all of this, I think I would have told him. Because telling him wouldn't have been weak--it would have been giving things a true second chance. That way, if he had rejected me again, I would have really been able to move on with no regrets. 

It's too late for that now, obviously. We've both moved on with our lives, and I don't think that Johnny even stays in contact with him anymore. Though I did finally unblock him on Facebook, and when I did, I noticed that he had a girlfriend. Dunno if he still does.

But I can't help but still wonder what things would have been like, what would have happened if I would have told him. If I would have held his hand. If we would have gone out for that coffee.

I hope he's alright these days.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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