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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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on being an adult and how that even works.}
Tuesday, December 30, 2014 | 12:00 AM | 0Comment

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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