There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet. Here it is. Explanations and updates.

Basically, let's cut to the chase: 
1. Decent first kisses with someone doesn't guarantee a thing. 
And 2. Being super freaking crazy attracted to someone doesn't make them less of an asshole.

Let's start with number 1. Luke.

I wanna make this very clear: Things were going great at first. Truly. We had great conversations, we got along fantastically. Our kiss was (though I have no frame of reference) very nice. I'm super happy with the fact that my first kiss ever was such a sweet, pleasant memory. (Especially after waiting so damn long for it to happen.) And he was really good at touching my face and smoothing my hair the way it turns out I reaaaaally like. (Like, really really really.)



But...here's the thing. Things kinda just...dwindled afterwards. We had actually originally planned for a 2nd date the same weekend I met Jacob, but Luke's dog fell really ill and ended up needing surgery, so he needed to take care of him. I completely understood, and I also felt horrible for his puppy and wished him a fast recovery.

During that whole thing, I texted him a lot less and gave him space, considering he was having a hard time. And so, just before that time of less talking, I matched with Jacob on Tinder. (More on him soon after this, promise.)

We talked. And the more I talked to Jacob, the more interest I had in him, and the less interested I was in Luke. Being really, truly honest here. And yes, I felt guilty about losing interest in Luke, especially since the only reason we had cancelled our date at the movies was because of his poor doggy.

But to be fair, I didn't really have any feelings for Luke. I tried to, I really did. I had nice kiss feelings, and wow-we-have-a-lot-in-common feelings, but nothing beyond that. It was like Brennan all over again (minus the kiss). That was why I was going to give a 2nd date a shot for the very first time--to see if there was potential for any feelings at all to develop. But after that 2nd date was cancelled, it was never rescheduled. So, really, there was no reason for me to feel guilty anyway, seeing as he'd likely changed his mind too.



No harm, no foul. It just didn't work out. But Luke gave me a pleasant 'first kiss' memory, and he never treated me badly. I'll always appreciate that.

So long, Luke. Good luck to ya.

Now onto number 2: Jacob. Ugh. Here we go.

Like I said, me and Jacob started talking sometime after my first date with Luke, and we set up a date for the day Luke and I had originally planned to go out.

I hadn't expected much from Jacob, truthfully--our conversations over text were boring and kinda shallow. He could decently hold a conversation over text, though (no one-word answers) so I figured it couldn't hurt to meet him.

I met him in the same Starbucks I'd met Luke at, and...well. Let's just say I'd greatly underestimated how attracted I would be to him. By liiike, a LOT.

I was GOBSMACKED by how attractive Jacob was. Holy freakin' hell. Remember Andy Sixx? Yeah. THAT hot. (Yup. I can still admit this now, though things between us imploded and rained down upon the earth in flaming pieces. But more on that soon.)
I didn't think the alt/scene look was still A Thing, but apparently it is. Or maybe it's coming back. And as it turns out, I still think it's hot as hell. And the whole thing--long hair, tight pants, and tonnnnnnns of tattoos, yeah. He pulls it off.  And inner 16 year old me couldn't believe someone this super fucking hot wanted to go on a date with ME. My mind was blown.


(Also, I didn't mention this: before we even met, he'd also asked me if I wanted to go see Suicide Squad...which at the time, wasn't coming out for 2 and a half months. Dude was so excited to date me he wanted to schedule dates almost 3 months in advance. Sheesh. Slow your roll, man.)

He was hot in his pictures, too, but honestly I'd thought they were maybe edited. When we first matched, I'd actually shown all of my friends his pictures, because I was positive that it was a fake profile and that someone was Catfishing me.

In person, I was positively SHAKEN by how hot he was. I kept my composure pretty well, I think, but geez Louise. I wasn't ready.


And that is how my last update came to be--cryptic and deep.

One time meeting this guy, and my immediate attraction to him had me thinking that I'd finally found someone I genuinely wanted to date, for the first time in freakin' years. I hadn't been immediately attracted to someone like that since Kenneth--and even crazier, we had a great time at Starbucks. We got along great, conversation was fun and easy.

That's where that RB comparison came from--I hadn't felt that way since him. And we had a lot in common, too: our love of comic books, Japan, and the fact that both of us were in online school in high school. YES INTERNET. HE WAS IN ONLINE SCHOOL TOO. That HAD to mean something, right?! That had to mean it was fate!!

...So, understandably, I got ahead of myself.

So that brings us to where this went on a flaming fat rocket to the seventh layer of Hell.

Jacob and I had planned to go the movies the very next weekend (suggested by me...I'm not great at date ideas, okay?), and once again this would've been my first 2nd date ever. He was enthusiastic about the idea and immediately said yes.

We hadn't planned out the finer details of everything yet, and conversation over the week was light and not as often, which I figured was normal. But then the day before our date came, so I texted him to schedule out the final stuff--what movie we were seeing, what time would be best for both of us, etc.

And...no reply.

Hours later, I try to text him a second time, thinking he just hadn't seen my first one. And...still nothing. Zip. Zero.

Since I had been through this same song and dance earlier this year with Amad, I knew exactly what was going on. I was being blown off. AGAIN.



I waited 4 more hours. Still no response. By now I'm really getting agitated. In my annoyance, I decide to open Instagram and scroll through it to calm down. Before I start scrolling down my timeline, as always, I check my activity feed to see who else is on Instagram.

And lo and behold, who do I see?

Yep. Jacob.

But he is not just on Instagram, which means that he was on his phone and had been for a while, he was liking girls' pictures. But not just any girls. Lingerie models. And nude models. By the droves. He was liking so many of them, and multiple pictures from each account, that now that I think about it, I'm convinced he was trying to get their attention so they would follow him back.

Hah. HAH. HAHAHA.

I exploded, y'all. On the inside, of course. Not on the outside. But I EXPLODED.

Not only was I being blown off by him, the night before our daytime date, but I was being ignored in favor of lingerie and nude models, with hundreds of thousands of followers, that will literally never in his life give him the time of day.

OH. HELL. NO.

So from there, I already knew what I had to do. My weeklong crush on him was officially dead and buried.



I texted him one last time. Knowing I couldn't call out him blowing me off without sounding psycho, I settled on passive aggressive cordiality. The message I sent him went something like, "Alright, I understand. No hard feelings. Have a nice Sunday! *smiling emoji*" After sending it, I turned my phone off, left it across the room, and went to bed early.

The next morning my phone was flooded with Jacob's half-assed apology--yeah, the next morning--and, because he just couldn't bear to be real with me, it was sprinkled with a lie. He claimed that he'd been asleep when I'd texted him, when in fact I'd texted him THREE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY, and during the last of the 3, I had visual proof of him not being asleep.



So now, not only had he blown me off my scheduling our date to j*ck off to girls he'll never ever meet, but now he'd also LIED TO ME.

Yup. Yup. I was so done. I was so done that you couldn't stick a fork in me if you tried--I was solid, burnt, ruined food levels of DONE.

Calmly, I replied, telling him that since he hadn't answered me, I'd assumed that he'd changed his mind and decided to make other plans. (Plans to wrap myself up in blankets and pillows and read a book for the entire day, that is.) I told him if he wanted to make plans some other time, we'd have to schedule it ahead of time, since I was busy working the next weekend.
Notice the lack of any specific mention of rescheduling. He certainly did. He asked if we could do something the weekend after, and all he got was a 'we'll see :)', which meant 'definitely no, never, not on your life.'

I immediately deleted his number. After 4 unreturned likes on Instagram, he's finally gotten the point and left me alone.

You blew it, Jacob. See ya never. Good luck on your valiant mission to make your Instagram The Instagram Account With The Most Amount of Selfies With Literally 60 Hashtags Underneath Each One.

Needless to say, I've been listening to Lemonade nonstop lately. Ahh. It's like therapy. Thanks, Queen B.



I was left so angry and annoyed by this entire ordeal that I decided to delete my Tinder account 2 weeks afterwards.

I was tired of being blown off by these guys like my attention and time meant nothing. Jacob's lying to me was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

So...that's the whole story, Internet.

I think I'm done with dating for a while again, guys. This last stint has left me exhausted and annoyed by how impossible dating seems to be. It's shown me that, even when I don't run away and act like a coward (like I did with Brennan), even when I'm totally honest, totally myself, and totally open minded, things usually still don't work out. That's just how it is.

I've had my fill for this year. The rest of 2016, I'll only be focused on me.

I'll be focused on me, my dog-sitting doggies, my writing (which I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact. Doing the same summer writing challenge that I did last year!), my books, and possibly my return to school in the fall. Sounds pretty great to me.



xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, disappointment, jacob, luke, online dating, tinder, well thats the end of that

Internet.

You know how some things aren't that hard to figure out? You immediately just instinctively know?

Think about the first time you ever had pizza (or, if you're one of the rare breeds of human out there that hates pizza, substitute this for another food that you could not live without). It was instant, right? Like, "Holy shit. This pizza thing. I love this stuff. I need more of it. I need endless pizza forever."

Or think about the first time you ever saw your favorite movie. The score tattooed itself on your heart the moment you heard it, and your favorite lines imprinted into your brain. The bittersweet moment the end credits started, you were filled with the overwhelming need to watch it again...and again and again and again.

Some things are just undeniable like that. You experience it and, right away, you like it. You know you without a doubt need more of this thing in your life or you will positively explode.

Some people are the same way. The moment I got to really know R*cky B*bby, it was like that. When I met some of my closest friends, it felt that way too.

Enter Jacob*.

Holy shit, Internet. This guy.

I don't have time to go into details and explanations just yet, but here are the need to knows: I had a first date with this guy, Jacob, this morning. After talking to him for a week.

And that feeling I was talking about? Yeah. So overwhelming that I had to write this short entry trying to put what I'm feeling into words and wrap my head around this.

Don't worry, more details are coming soon. But first I need to get some actual sleep, and calm all of these butterflies in my stomach. Hang tight.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, jacob, tinder

Happy 2016, Internet.

How has your new year been so far? How has accomplishing your resolutions been going?

As for me, the first three weeks of 2016 have been...unexpectedly up and down.

I'll get to the ups in a minute, but as for the downs...well. Sometimes you gotta get some the downs out of the way, regardless of when. I didn't think that would happen the first two weeks of 2016, but there we go.

I have to say, the passing of Alan Rickman really got to me. It probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but he was one of my favorite actors. I may not have known him personally, but he still felt like family, in a way. Outside of his many roles, he was also a wonderful man. Rest in peace, Alan.



Another down: That big trip I briefly mentioned in my resolutions/holiday entry? Yeah. Not happening.

Turns out that the people I was planning to go with can't go anymore, and that basically made it impossible for me to go, even on my own. (Even if I could travel alone without having a mental breakdown, considering I haven't even been out of my own state in 15 years.) So yeah, that was a bummer.
Basically it was a combination of not having enough financially and personal circumstances. My friend felt really guilty about it, but it was partly my fault too.

I was really upset at first. The first day afterwards, I just let myself wallow and have a mental health day.

The next two days after that, though? HOLY MOLY. (Ups, here we come!!)

Literally the day I took a mental health day off, in the middle of the day, the most unexpected thing happened. So unexpected that I jolted up in my seat when it happened.



Internet...I may have a date coming up.

BUT WAIT. LET'S BACK UP. Beep beep beep.

I haven't told you about this guy yet. This is a little roller coastery in itself, so hang on tight.

I matched with this guy on Tinder back at the end of November. Let's call him 'Amad'.

When we first matched, I kinda flipped out, and for a few reasons. One being that he is...very attractive. Dresses well, fantastic hair, super handsome face, and actually knows how to take good selfies. Very important things. But there's one other thing.

He's 19.

Internet, you guys should know. I never go for younger guys. Never never never. (Well, okay, except for Brennan, kinda. He was a year younger than me. And Ricky Bobby, too, I guess. He was a year and a half younger. But those are the only exceptions!!!1) The grand majority of guys that I tend to get into are older than me.

This guy...is not. Not even close.

Can you picture me sweating nervously? Because I am. Profusely.

He's not just younger than me. He's technically still a teenager. And the only reason I swiped right is because I thought there was no way he would ever swipe right on me, due to our age difference and the fact that he is fine as hell and I am NOT.

Also, his family owns a popular chain of restaurants in our city. And he's a filmmaker. Can you spell o-u-t o-f m-y l-e-a-g-u-e? Even though he's younger than me he could quite literally get anyone he wanted. And I tend to avoid guys like that. Usually. Except for this time, when I apparently lost my mind.

At first I wanted to unmatch him and flee as fast as I possibly could. And I actually fully intended to. And then...I forgot. And then I followed him on Instagram, and he followed me back.

Whoops. So much for fleeing.

And as it turns out, I regretted the Instagram follow at first. After he approved me follow request and thereby gave me free reign to snoop, I snooped, snooped hard...and regretted it.

Of course, at first I had enjoyed looking at all of his selfies and clever captions and such. And then it happened--I opened up a picture from about a year and a half ago, and in the caption? A racial slur.

Sickness in the pit of my stomach, I clicked through a few more, heading back further in time. Found another racial slur. And another one. By then, I was thoroughly disgusted. To be honest, I was crushed.

Sometimes Internet, you hope and hope that a person you 'meet' is decent and kind, and then their social media accounts just destroy everything you had hoped in a matter of seconds. Here I was, hoping I had found an awesome guy (albeit young, but if he had a great personality I would definitely overlook his age), and then getting so immensely insulted and disappointed.



Deciding that he wasn't even worth any of my attention anymore, I left his Instagram feed and didn't think about him for another two weeks.

Unfortunately for me that was not the end of things.

After we had passively liked a few of each others' pictures back and forth for a week or so, he finally messaged me on Tinder and gave me his number, telling me to text him sometime.

I promptly freaked out. I hadn't wanted to even think about him again, let alone even actually talk to him. And he wasn't supposed to want to talk to me! That was the (unspoken, completely made up in my head) agreement we had!
I agonized over it all day, then, with a huge amount of trepidation and doubt, decided to text him that evening (several hours after he had given me his number). Kept it simple and straight forward. 'Hey, this is Sarah from Tinder.' Neutral and safe.

I waited. And waited. Waited more. Waited for days.

And....

No answer.

INTERNET. I WAS ENRAGED.

After deciding to give this little creep a second chance and give him the benefit of the doubt after what I had seen him say from a few years ago, which I never do, HE BLEW ME OFF.

AHHHHHHHH.



So I decided that from then on, unless he interacted with me first, he didn't exist to me. So long, fetus boy.

This was maybe two weeks before Christmas, and it worked well for a while, I'll give myself some credit. He would like some of my pictures on Instagram. I wouldn't even offer a thank you like in return, the way I usually did. All he got from me was radio static.

Finally, when he had liked maybe six of my pictures straight without any in return from me, I liked one back, hoping that would pacify him and he would leave me alone. (I realize how ridiculous all this is. Passive aggressive millennial social interaction at its' finest. Bleh,)

Plus I could not figure out for the LIFE of me how he could like several of my pictures and yet not have the decency to reply to 1 simple text message. Are we reaching that point in society now? Is texting going extinct now, too? Or is it just this toolbag? (Toolbag is also what I changed his name to in my phone.)

I continued to passively and sparingly like a picture of his now and then, and meanwhile he liked all of my newest ones. I maintained an air of indifference, even though I couldn't freakin' figure out why he could do all this but not answer a text.

Then it came. The day I was taking a mental health day.

Lo and behold, the Boy Who Did Not Know How to Text slid into my Instagram DMs.

Not only that, but he sent a picture of himself, and a message underneath that said, "You're gorgeous! (heart eyes emoji)"

Yep.

Called me gorgeous. With a heart eyes emoji.

AFTER NOT ANSWERING MY TEXT BEFORE. Which I was positive meant that he had 0% interest in me.

The second this happened, I was sitting on the couch next to my mom. And when I opened it, I nearly shot out of my seat. I had to try very hard to act like nothing had happened and I wasn't inwardly panicking. I had spent all day being sad, and now this was happening.

I took 45 minutes to excuse myself, pull myself together, and finally scrounge up a response.

I answered, "Wow haha, thank you. You're pretty gorgeous yourself (winking emoji)" Looking back, I feel that the winking emoji was too much, but oh well. Can't take it back now, can I? Besides, I have no clue how to flirt, so I at least get points for trying, right?

At one point, I was terrified that he was going to ignore me again and I had stuck my neck out for the third time only to be burned.

But thankfully, some time later, maybe half an hour later, he responded with something I had been expecting even less than the first message. "Let me buy you lunch sometime."

FREAK OUT #2.



Internet...I was having every emotion one person could probably feel at once without spontaneously combusting.

First, I was in disbelief. The fetus was asking me out? How? What? Huh? Why? WHAT?

Second, I was confused. I still hadn't forgotten what I had seen on his Instagram, and it still made me angry. But I tried hard to remember who I was at age 19. I was a very different person than I am now. I've learned a lot about people and the world since then. So why couldn't he, too? If it ever came up again after getting to know him, maybe I could sit him down and explain to him why it was wrong.

Also, I was confused about him being interested in me. Truth be told, this happens everytime someone shows any interest in me, even if I'm not interested in them.

I think it's the part of me inside that might always live in middle school/high school, when no guys outright expressed interest in me at all (except for Phil, but whole other can of worms, ugh) and it made me feel sad and even more insecure than I already was (which was a ton to begin with).

Sometimes I even talk myself out of it. I'll think, no, they're probably not interested in me like that. They probably only want to get in my pants. (That's my most often used excuse.)

But...there it was. If I gave him a real chance, his name wouldn't be Fetus Boy. It wouldn't be Toolbag. His name is Amad. And Amad was asking me out.

I still had the smallest amounts of doubts. But then I remembered how I felt at exactly this time a whole year ago. (See entry how do emotions work, anyway? (scary epiphanies are scary.) and prepare for some intense emotions.) I was miserable with my own regrets of the past. And I had decided that from this year on, I didn't want to have regrets anymore. That I wanted to give things a chance and maybe regret them afterwards but not regret not doing them and never knowing.

So I replied to Amad and said, "Sure, that sounds good. Let me know."



I agreed to a date with a 19 y/o. What did I do, Internet? WHAT DID I DO.

It's been a week since that happened, and considering the casual, non-committal nature of our plans, who knows when they'll actually be solidified and turned into a real first date, IF that even happens. But I said yes, so that's something I'll just have to deal with, I suppose. Wish me luck.

Along with that huge or not huge thing that may-or-may-not be happening, I have one more Up for you: I (possibly) have my first clients as a real honest to goodness dog sitter.

I met them a few days ago, a nice couple with a cute little furry baby. She's excitable, and energetic, but she's cute and friendly. I really REALLY hope this works out, because she would be an absolute joy to watch. And she and my dog get along well, which was a huge relief. (Also, since this was my first meeting with a potential client, my anxiety all day was through the roof. But it went well, so I'm very happy with it either way.)

It's still up in the air so far, but let's hope this all works out for the best!

I'll keep you updated on both fronts Internet. 2016 is off at full speed ahead already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: amad, job stuff, new stuff going on, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, social media, tinder

Hey, Internet! Belated Happy Holidays!

I hope all of you guys had magical (or if not magical, at least decent?) holidays this month. You deserve it after the helluva year you've had.

As for me, Christmas this year was peaceful.

Financially, things have still been tight, as the
y have been all year this year. So instead of exchanging presents this year, my folks and I decided to have good food and good company for Christmas instead.

Delicious food, annual homemade cookies (which we decorated), good movies, and for me, a brand new tradition: I found an amazing mulled wine recipe and made it in the crock pot. Holy freakin' crap. Amazing. SO GOOD. I had to restrain myself from drinking all of it on my own, lest I subject myself to a merry Christmas hangover.

But before the holiday actually came, I found myself...in a slight dilemma.

Nothing too major, nothing even that big of a deal. But for me, it was pretty embarrassing.

You see, there's this phenomena that happens at this time of year that I like to call the Christmas Crazies.

I only more recently came up with this name for it, but I've written about it before. See this entry "Dodged that bullet."

Christmas couples, Christmas crazies, whatever you want to call it...it's a phenom. A phenom that I hate. And yet it affects me all the same.

Around this time of year, I get this inexplicable yearning. 

I don't know if it's the mushy corny cheesy Hallmark holiday movies I watch every year on an infinite loop (probably a huge contributing factor, not going to lie), or if it's my favorite classic Christmas songs which happen to be romantic in nature (All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)), or if it's the cold weather making me want to snuggle up in my pajamas with someone.

But man. Without fail. I get more sentimental, definitely. But I also yearn. For who? Anybody? I don't know. But the older I get, it's gotten worse.

Last year, unfortunately, I got the Yearnings for R*cky B*bby. (Censored because I promised I'd stop blogging about him. Hah.) But all of my nostalgia craze was just starting this time last year, so that was why. Also last year, I had my first and last date with Brennan after months of resisting meeting him in person at all. It's safe to say the Christmas Yearnings had gotten to me, and that was why I had decided to say yes to a snowy Christmas Eve Eve coffee date.

This year, I got them for...I don't know. Everybody?

I'm telling you Internet. The Christmas Crazies this year were on steroids. One minute I was feeling relaxed and unworried about any and all boys, the next minute I was talking to 4--LITERALLY 4--different guys from Tinder at once. 3 days before Christmas.

And before you guys get all Judgey McJudger at me, this is unheard of for me. When I do start talking to a guy, I just talk to that guy and that guy only. This is to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

However, this time I just...I don't know, guys. I think I had a nervous breakdown, or something. Or maybe the romance in the air had me a little overwhelmed and I got a bit right-swipe happy.

Either way, I got four new matches 3 days before Christmas, and all 4 of them started talking to me at once.

Deciding that I was in the mood to talk to some people, I answered them all. And my dilemma began.

Thankfully, conversations with two of them tapered off after two hours or so. But the other two persisted into the next day.

1 of them asked me out right off the bat from the first day we talked, which was a red flag for me. I told him that I was busy, but I would think about it and talk to him later. So the next day, we began talking some more, and conversation was nice, so I was seriously considering maybe hanging out with him sometime.

As we talked that day, he followed me on Instagram (my IG is connected to my Tinder profile). Seeing that he did, I went to follow him back, His account was private, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. I sent a follow request and went about my day, still talking to him casually.

He accepted my request about 30 mins later, so I went to look at his Instagram. I noticed a lot of travel pictures, which was cool. But then I noticed something peculiar--the pictures I saw of him throughout his feed looked NOTHING like the pictures he had on Tinder.

I even scrolled down to the bottom of his Instagram feed--the oldest pictures were from three years ago, and yet the pictures of him from then still weren't anything like his Tinder pictures.

At first I was positive this guy was a Catfish, so I got all prepared to tell him off. Then when I went back to his Tinder profile once more, I realized--the pictures on his Tinder were of him, but they were years old. Like, way older than three years old. Possibly 5 years or more. College pictures, and he very clearly was long out of college (27 years old).

And our conversation was getting increasingly creepy. He kept making sexual remarks, kept asking sexual questions, and began persisting over and over again that we should date.

Obviously, I was way creeped out at this point. So I decided to let him down easy, block him on both apps, and get the heck out of that situation.

Predictably, he took it badly, even though I had calmly made an excuse about not having the time to date anybody at the moment. I was fortunate enough not to have him call me names or harass me further than the typical 'Well, why not? Why are you even on here, then?' And then thankfully he did me the favor of blocking me on both apps instead of me having to do it.

So, yeah. Yikes.

If anything, all that experience did was remind me why I hate Tinder in the first place. I haven't been back on since.

As for the other guy, he was nice enough, at least compared to that other guy. Cute too, but way out of my league. (He plays college basketball, and he's been on ESPN. Why did he even want to talk to me in the first place? No idea.) We exchanged Snapchat usernames, snapped back and forth for 2 days (just face snaps, nothing crazy), and then stopped talking but have been passively watching each other's snap stories ever since. Ah, romance.

(He's never gonna talk to me again.)

So, in conclusion: the Christmas Crazies got to me again this year. But at least I didn't go any terrible dates, especially not with that one wacko. Two conversations were enough for me.

IN OTHER NEWS: 2016. Coming up fast as hell.

And for me, big changes are coming with the New Year.

The biggest and most important change: a job. I GOT ONE. TECHNICALLY.

After all that job applying for years, and yielding no results, I decided to do this differently. Take a different approach. Because obviously what I was doing was not working at all for me, and you know. Definition of insanity and all that.

So, I decided to do some research on modern ways to make money. And I stumbled upon this article about just that. Some things it listed were becoming an Uber driver, becoming a nanny or babysitter, and then--once I spotted it, it felt like I struck gold--becoming a pet sitter.

DING DING DING.

An important thing about me, internet: I love animals. I love animals so, so much. I connect with animals. Especially pets. Especially dogs. And so when I found a website specifically dedicated to finding dog sitters, I immediately went to their application page to become a sitter. And after a little work filling it out, getting a testimonial from a family member written for my profile, and getting a background check done, I was cleared. My application was approved.

Y'all. I have a job.

LET ME REPEAT. I HAVE A JOB.

Sure, it's a self employment job. But it's run through this website, and involves self promotion. I can do that. Hell, I'm a Millenial. I was born for the age of social media.

It'll take a lot of hard work, and a lot of cute messy pups to watch, but I can do it. I've pet sat before, and it was easy and fun. (Plus, an option like this makes way more sense for me than babysitting. Kids are too much for me to handle on my own at the moment. I prefer furbabies.)

So...come January, I'll be starting as soon as I possibly can. I'll start promoting this week, and hopefully come the first week of January, I'll have my first customer.

I'm anxious to start, because I have a very important trip to save up for in February. Said trip would probably be life changing, and be a turning point for my life. (But more on that later!)

And after that event, I would continue to work so I could save up money to go back to college, and some other very VERY important things as well that would make my 2016 a turning point in my life.

These are more than just my same old resolutions for New Years. I'm going to make absolute sure that 2016 will be a very different year for me. But in a good way. In a great way. It's in my hands. It's my life. I have to make it happen. Nobody is stopping me but me.

Change that I've needed for a long time is coming.



Internet, let's hope this self-push coming at me fast in 2016 is just what I needed to do for myself. (And let's hope that those Christmas Crazies stay away from me next year.)

Once again, Happy Holidays to all of you, and Happy New Year! See you all next year! (Ugh, I know, I'm sorry. Why did I make that joke? Why?! I'll show myself out.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: brennan, change, christmas 2015, christmas crazies, new year, resolutions, tinder

Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.

• I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
• I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
• Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
• I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
• After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)

Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: adulthood, babies and marriage?!?, brennan, dates, growing up, online dating, tinder

Hey, Internet.

So, since my date with Kenneth, things have pretty much gone back to normal. I've been talking to my friends, working on my diet (including trying new recipes to try, I'm getting back into cooking and forgot how much how much I used to love it!) and working out.

I also talk to Kenneth once every few days, not about much really, just catching up and some small talk.

Despite all of the initial similarities to my experience with Drew, this whole thing with Kenneth has gone way better. I think it partly has to do with the fact that I'm older now, and slightly more mature and more independent than I used to be a few years ago. Part of the reason things went so downhill with Drew was that I had started to form a sort of expectation about things, since it had been the first time something like that had happened to me, I guess I was more naive about how things would work.

Also, it helped that Kenneth wasn't an ass (lol) and he actually treated me well, and that we were both clear from the start that we weren't looking for anything more than a friend.

But there's one thing that strikes me as hilarious: Let me be clear. Kenneth is an attractive man. A very, very attractive man. And in terms of all of my ideal personal preferences in terms of attraction: he's pretty much it. He works out, has a great physique, not too tall but still taller than me, sexy voice, actually knows a thing or two about my hobbies (he's Korean so he knows about kpop and kdramas and things of that nature that I'm interested in), gentlemanly, laid back, and kind.

BUT. Here's the thing. As for any sort of chemistry between us? Almost none. I'm almost 99% sure that there was 0 chemistry between us.

It's so weird because, again, for the past few years of this dry spell, if I had thought of the ideal person I'd want to date? HE WOULD BE IT. AND WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL.

Crazy, right? CRAZY.

I suddenly have this understanding of what people who date all the time are talking about when they talk about chemistry. To be honest, I just never had enough experience with guys that were interested enough to ask me out, let alone discover if I had chemistry with someone.

And I'm starting to realize...chemistry is the thing, man. It's the foundation for feelings. If there's no chemistry...there's nothing.

Looking back, I had chemistry with Ricky Bobby. Definite chemistry with Ricky Bobby. There was always this palpable, heavy, thick, cut-the-air-with-a-knife tension between us every time we were near each other. I think he was the person I had the strongest chemistry with, even if neither of us were never willing to confront it.

And with Phil, we didn't have strong chemistry, but there was at least the nervous, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we talked to each other (or should I say the few times we talked to each other face to face. About him. And mostly him. Oy.). Even if I didn't have strong feelings for him, and they were fleeting, they were there.

With Drew, there was no chemistry. None. I was nervous around him, but I think that mostly came from the fact that I was meeting a stranger for the first time. There was really no physical attraction, at all.

But with Kenneth.....still no chemistry. But I was attracted to him! Extremely! He might be the single most attractive man to ever speak to me in my entire life! But..........still.........no.........chemistry.

I'm baffled, Internet. Simply baffled.

I mean...maybe it's partly because of the age difference. Maybe because we're aware of such a gap between us, not just age but our completely different lifestyles because of our ages, we're extra cautious about it. Or maybe it's all hormones and there just truly wasn't a connection on any other level besides getting along.

Part of me really wonders if I've lost the ability to feel that way about someone. That I only got that feeling with Ricky Bobby because I was really young, and it was the first time that I'd gotten really serious feelings for somebody.

But maybe that's just what it is. It's supposed to be rare, that's what makes it so special. I guess we're not meant to have strong chemistry with everybody that's attractive to us. And let's be real, that would get really messy for everybody. And painful. And crazy. But...chemistry. Man. What an interesting concept.

There was this reality show I watched a few days ago (I forgot the name of it, it was a Korean show). The basic idea of it was that the show selected 3 people and asked them what their ideal type was. Asked for as many details of their ideal type that they could come up with, like if they had a ~dream person~, who would it be. Then, after learning about all of this, they searched for a person that came the absolute closest to their ideal type and set them up together. Then for 30 days, they had to be an official couple and see how things go. And at the end of the 30 days, if they'd developed feelings for each other, then they would stay together.

It was SO good and hilarious and interesting that I watched all of the episodes back to back and finished it in one night. What struck me as the most interesting of all was that none of the 3 couples stayed together after the 30 days. There was even one couple, who were the youngest, both being 23 (I think? Or 21?) that had GREAT chemistry from the get go and by the end of the 30 days, the girl had utterly lost interest and was even a little annoyed by him.

It was fascinating and telling I think, because it showed even more that you could have the blueprint of your perfect ideal person laid out, detail by detail, and in the end you still might not have any feelings for that person at all when you meet them face to face.

So, when it comes down to it...I guess I don't really have an ideal type.

There are definitely some standout aspects that are still very important to me in what I'm looking for (gentleman that treats me well, sweet, smart, and an overall decent person), but now that I've gone out on a date with someone that definitely would have been my ideal type physically.....I know for sure that in the end an ideal type won't matter to me anyway.

After all, all of the guys that I have been into in the past have all been polar opposites from one another. I think I've said this before: I don't have a type, I just know what I like when I see it.
And I am pretty picky, I admit, but I don't discriminate over the trivial things (eye color, skin color, ethnicity, race, etc etc etc) and when I like what I see, then that's just what it is.

This was an eye opening experience for me in more than one aspect, and I think now that I'm starting to learn these things, I would be more open to going on a few dates once in a while.

I definitely won't be doing it frequently, but here and there can't hurt, right? Nothing awful came from this date with Kenneth, and in the end I felt proud of myself for doing it and putting myself out there for once.

Baby steps, Internet. Baby steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, kenneth, phil, ricky bobby, tinder

Internet...on Sunday, I did something kind of crazy. Crazy for me, anyway.

First, let me start with this: there came a time about a month about ago when fandom life sort of snuck up on me and something sort of devastating happened. I won't say what specifically, but it was basically any fan of a band's second worst nightmare (the first being one of the members of a band getting killed, god forbid.). But yes, something sad happened with my favorite band, and I cried for a few days about it.

And around that time, I needed some entertaining distraction. Which led me to creating a Tinder account. Yes, I know. This is the second time I've created an online dating account out of needing entertainment. (The first being when I made my OKCupid account.) I should really get rid of this habit, it brings chaos into my life.

It seemed harmless enough though, and I actually had the app once before for a while, before deleting it once I got bored. And that time, nothing ever came out of it.

Well. This time, it was fun the first day. I actually got 3 matches in a row, which was bewildering and hilarious to me. Then, the day afterwards, the glitz had worn off and everything about the app annoyed me. I literally just sat there, scowling and swiping 'no' on everybody until I got fed up and shoved my phone away, lmao.

That continued for a about a week, until one day I decided I should add a more recent picture, and an hour or two after I put it on my profile, one of the matches I'd had for a week messaged me. Let's call him Kenneth. It was the first message I'd ever gotten and it freaked me out slightly because I was sort of just hoping that no one would try to talk to me.

Craziest of all, he was a 28 year old that I'd only swiped right on because he was way too hot and out of my age range to even consider me, or so I thought.

So there I was, freaking out that a hot 28 man was trying to talk to me. I didn't even open it for 3 hours or so, but in the end, I sucked it up, opened it and hesitantly responded. That lead to talking for the rest of the night, and I'd hoped he decided I was boring and that would be it.

Until the next morning, when I woke up to a message asking if I wanted to get coffee that weekend. INSTANT PANIC AND NAUSEA.

The whole day I worried over it, trying to think of the best way to say no without hurting his feelings (although I didn't even know him, so I very well could have if I wanted to. But I have a hard time with disappointing people, so I couldn't bring myself to.). The worry extended to that night, the night that I mixed sangria and a margarita and it ended up dismally. (Which pretty much happened like this: "Must! Relax! Forget about Kenneth! Drink more! Drink! Is it dizzy in here? Must relax! More drin--*runs to bathroom to puke*"). So after I got home and was still somewhat tipsy, I gathered the courage and made an excuse about my cousin's birthday being the next day and having to be there (which was actually true! Just stretched a little bit.)

He was disappointed and sort of saw through my excuse, which made me feel bad. So the next day, I started conversation instead, and we talked that whole day and the day afterward, during which he asked me out 2 more times.
The second time, I brushed it off casually and changed the subject, and then the third time, after watching Frozen and feeling inspired (I love it, leaf me be.) I decided to say yes.

I don't know what possessed me to, but I said yes. Maybe part of it was that we had added each other on Instagram, and he had the opportunity to see some more of my personality and weird hobbies (kpop) and still wanted to meet me, I think that said a lot to me. And then seeing more of his personality and not seeing any reason to say no again. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he treated me with respect, so why not?

So started the whole week I had to get prepare myself.

I made sure not to skip any exercise days, just to help with my confidence, and I did skin treatments and got my hair done on Saturday. Then Sunday came.

I woke up early, exercised, took a shower, and started getting ready. I'm not gonna lie, I was very nervous. But I kept thinking about how I felt the morning before meeting Drew and I couldn't help but make comparisons. I kept waiting for the real terror to come. I remembered how I was so nervous to meet Drew that I felt like I was going to vomit. I kept waiting for that, and it never came.

To be frank though, it helped that this wasn't the first time I was doing this. I somewhat knew what to expect more, and I wasn't just going in blind this time. Also, it helped that in my head, I was adamant on keeping things platonic, no matter what. No flirting. No physical contact whatsoever. Throughout making Tinder and starting to talk to him, I had the mindset that no relationship would come out of this, and that I had no interest in that at all. We would be friends hanging out, and that was it. No matter what.

So. I walked into the cafe, which was somewhat empty, and didn't spot Kenneth right away, but he recognized me immediately and walked over to me and said hi.

I don't remember a lot of the conversation at first, I just remember being superbly self conscious and sweating bullets from my armpits. We walked up to the counter for me to order a drink and without a word from him, he took out his wallet and paid for it.

This gave me a whole new surge of nervousness because holy crap, a guy just paid for me. But I mentally told myself to breathe and calm down, that it was no big deal, and that he was just being courteous.

So as I got my drink and we went to sit down on a sofa, we began to talk, and soon we were talking pretty much nonstop. And randomly, about 25-30 minutes into our conversation, he asks what the last movie I saw was. I told him it was Godzilla a few weeks ago, and that it was amazing. Then, after that, he asks, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"

Before I could think too much into it and talk myself out of it, I immediately said, "Okay, sure!" I didn't even hesitate.

This, my friends, was when I became someone completely different. Not your normal, everyday timid and shy Hopeless Romantic. I became SARAH. Capital S, capital A, capital R, capital A, capital H. SARAH, who goes on spontaneous movie dates. SARAH, who doesn't feel intimidated by this guy who she met on an app, who happens to be even more attractive than he is in his Instagram pics, which rarely ever happens and is kind of mind blowing. I lost my mind and became this alter ego version of myself, this is the only explanation I have of this, honestly.

So, yes. We sat there and decided on a movie (at first he suggested 22 Jump Street and another action type movie, and when he suggested How to Train Your Dragon 2, I nearly jumped up in agreement because I am 12.) and then immediately left the cafe.

As I got into Kenneth's car, I consciously tried not to psych myself out again. (Screaming in my head, "Don't freak out about getting into his car! Don't freak out about being alone with in his car! Don't panic. Don't panic.") And on the way to the theater, we talked even more. Not a bad driver, by the way, but he has this habit of holding his phone in one hand which is generally a bad idea, but I tried not to let it freak me out.

We got there pretty soon, and as we got out of the car, the wind was UNBELIEVABLE and I cursed the moment I chose to wear a dress and wear my hair down because I had to bunch my skirt in one hand to prevent a full on Marilyn Monroe from happening.

Anyway, so we got out and went to buy tickets, and since we had a good half hour until the movie, we decided to walk around outside for a bit. We walked to a nearby shopping center and into a Whole Foods, where we bought some snacks for me to smuggle in my purse.

On the way back, we were passing my favorite bubble tea place, which I pointed out and he suggested we go in and get something there too. So we go in, and he asks what I usually order when I go there, and I tell him taro boba, thinking that maybe he wants to try it. So I just stand to the side while he orders, not paying any attention, and when he turns around with a taro boba for me and a drink for him, I'm flustered but grateful.

So then we went the theater again since the movie was starting soon, but before then he asked if I wanted popcorn, to which I said 'sure' and he bought yet another thing for me omg. He just...kept buying stuff for me! To be fair, I could've said no, so that's partly on me too, hahaha. I was just so shocked, I guess.

So we find seats and watch the movie (it was wonderful, by the way) and meanwhile he ate most of the popcorn and Whole Foods snacks, but I didn't mind, since I don't eat much during movies anyway. (Plus he bought it, so fair enough!) And after the movie ended and we walked out of the theater, he asked if I was hungry, and I said, 'Sure!' Again. I swear, that is SARAH's favorite word.

We look for nearby places to eat on his phone and we decide on a sit down burger place about 3 minutes away, and zip on over. He orders a burger and fries and I settle on some fries (because I'm not that hungry) and we find a booth and sit, where we talk for 2 more hours.

I remember feeling so grateful that he was such a good conversationalist, because there were never awkward silences or pauses where I didn't know what to say. We talked about a lot, so much that I can't seem to remember most of the conversation topics.

One thing that's worth mentioning, though, was that after some prodding from him, I admitted that I'd never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed. It kind of came from me telling him about my online school experience in high school and the unrequited love I had for Ricky Bobby (because he'd asked about it previously). I got the response I usually get for that, shock, amazement, exclamations of 'how?!', etc, etc. When I explained it in full, he got it, but he still seemed baffled. I also got the usual, "You're still young, though. You'll have your chance." Yawn. It was appreciated, though.

Also he told me that he'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship in April, and that he has no interest in getting into a relationship for a while. And he told me about his dog, and I told him about my dog. And I told him about Rose and how we don't speak anymore.

We talked about a lot. More than someone would probably normally tell someone that they just met, lmao. But it was nice to just...talk to someone. And hang out with them.

Anyway, soon we realized that the sun was going down outside, so we left the restaurant and he drove me home. As I got out of his car and he walked me to my door, he mentioned we might be able to hang out again the following weekend, and I said that would be cool. We hugged (sort of awkwardly, it was hesitant and kind of weird, lol) and then I waved from my door as he drove away.

I'm still...kind of in a daze over the whole thing.

It just...doesn't feel real. I'm not used to these things happening to me. Because they just...don't. Not to me.

He was so...nice to me. And a gentleman. He opened doors for me, opened my car door for me, never said a word about paying for our stuff and even said that my dress was pretty. One thing that really sticks out to me even now was in the movie theater, when I was struggling to get my 3D glasses package open, he calmly handed me his already open 3D glasses to wear instead. Not gonna lie, I melted. Just a little bit.

I don't think a guy has ever treated me with so much kindness and respect, even as a friend.

But as I told my friends when I recounted all of this to them, even though it went very, very well, and I had a great time, this is definitely not going to go anywhere. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Just that, realistically, it can't go anywhere. For the following reasons:

1. The age difference. I didn't notice it the majority of the time when we hung out, and honestly I never thought I would go out with anyone 7 years older than me, at least while I'm this young. So even meeting him at all was a big thing for me. But we are at very different stages of our lives. He's been out of school for a while, working as an electrical engineer. I've been out of school for 2 years now, and only just starting college in the fall (which he knows about, by the way). Very different lives. He's a man, and I'm still a girl.
2.  The fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. I don't know a lot about serious relationships, but I get the general idea that when you get out of one you don't look for another relationship for a while. As he told me himself. And I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, now and for a long time. I'm trying to get myself and my life together, and I don't need a distraction from that. 
3. The fact that he's moving soon anyway. He moves out of state to Chicago for a new job somewhere around mid-July, so yeah. There's that too. (Random, but GDI what is it with me and guys that move away?!) 

Labels: alter ego sarah, dates, drew, kenneth, online dating, tinder

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