There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet. Long time no see. The year has gone by and the seasons have changed, and it's fall once again.



2017 has been a ride. And it's still not over with yet--still three whole months to go.

So much has changed. So much has changed in 9 months that when I stop to think about it, I can't believe it's only been 9 months and not years.

I don't know where to start except to start at the beginning. So why don't we start with January?

January. A black hole in my memory.

I lost my dog. After a whole holiday season of her condition improving, and us hoping that she would continue to remain stable as long as possible, she worsened. She, the gluttonous queen of snacks and begging for more snacks, had stopped eating.

She only ate when persuaded, and a switch from dog food to mushy, homemade rotisserie chicken food only staved it off for a few weeks. That was one of the hardest parts for me--seeing everything she used to be disappearing.

We made the difficult decision to put her to sleep. And I lost my best friend in the entire world.

January, for me, is one large hole of emptiness whenever I look back on it--all I can remember is obsessively watching a show on Netflix, eating cereal and instant ramen on the rare occasions that I even had an appetite, and crying in my bed. Vaguely, I remember numbly going on a huge Amazon shopping binge the day after she left me. I spent close to a hundred dollars, and received packages for two weeks straight.

I also remember going to my first real doctor's appointment in 9 years and getting an x-ray on my knee. Then I returned to my bedroom, returned to my bed, and disappeared again. The x-rays came back fine.

February was more of the same. My dad went on a business trip right before Valentine's Day, brought me back a teddy bear on the 14th as a souvenir. I watched more Netflix, obsessively watched figure skating competitions, and ate more cereal and ramen. Lost a ton of weight even though I didn't mean to. Deleted my dog sitting profile for good.

March was lighter, better. My birth month was tinged with light here and there--I watched Moana about a million times, cried every single time. I even watched it on my birthday, after getting some delicious takeout at home and some great wine.

April, though. Things began to happen. I began to come back to life again.

I went to my first concert in 8 years. Cried and sang and screamed my lungs out the entire time. Traveled outside of my city for the first time in 5 years. Got a breakfast platter at a diner 1 in the morning before coming home from the concert and crashing and not waking up until 2 PM the next day.

This concert revitalized me. For the first time in months, my pulse raced. For the first time in months, I felt things I had forgotten. I was alive.

After my concert adventure, I was myself again.

I was still mourning, but I used all my emotions and wrote everything I had into my April Camp NaNoWriMo project, the first serious novel I had ever started when I was 16, which I worked on last July too. I wrote and wrote and wrote.

May, I continued to write. I applied for a volunteer position at the library--something I had thought of the month before. I realized I needed to be somewhere, do something. And this was something I could do, and do well.

June, I followed up my application with emails to the right people. One week later, I had an interview. And at that interview, I was offered the job. ON THE SPOT. And just like that, although after years and years of applying for jobs and never getting a bite, I had a job.

The rest of June, I got used to my new place of work, once a week. Got to know everyone and got to figuring out how everything worked there. Not without anxiety, though, of course. But I did it all willingly, because I was amazed by this chance that I was being given, and I didn't want to chicken out.

July, I continued getting used to things at my job. I also continued to write, on a separate book from what I'd been working on in April and May. I learned that having a 2 or 3 drinks still affects me two days afterwards, and to not do that right before my work days anymore. Heh. Thanks alot, fourth of July. I also watch fireworks in the candlelit backyard with Mom.

August, I finally feel like I'm fitting in at work and that I'm getting the hang of things. But best of all--no, BIGGEST of all: I finish my book, the one I'd started when I was 16. I finally, finally finish it. I cry and cry and cry with relief and happiness. And then I send it out to beta readers and critique partners alike, trying my best to swallow the nerves at other people reading and critiquing my pride and joy. Still working on that.

So, here we are now. September. And what a month it's been.



Mostly, I've been working, and reading, and watching lots of Gilmore Girls, and waiting on responses from all of my readers. None yet. I may have crumbled in panic over this a couple of times so far. But at the moment, I'm holding it together pretty well!

But.

There's a reason I've come on here today to update you all about this devastating, crazy, and exciting and strange and new year.

For a long time, I didn't think I could come on here and talk about things. Because for a while, I thought that what I faced early this year was my life from now on. When you're buried in grief, it's hard to imagine life ever feeling any other way ever again.

But then June happened. And life is so different right now. Completely different. But a good different. The kind of different that gives me hope.

And now, in September, something else huge happened.

Brennan. And his girlfriend. No longer together, as of last month--in August.

You know...it was weird. The moment I found out, I was in this sort of daze. I was almost in denial at first--I thought I was imagining it.

I'll admit it: I snooped his girlfriend's (now ex) Facebook. Oh, come on! Like you've never done that before, Internet?? Social media snooping is like an international sport at this point. Everyone does it! And by now I'm a pro at it.



And after all, that was how I found out he had a girlfriend two years ago in the first place--snooping his Facebook, then full on snooping hers because her whole profile is set to public, unlike Brennan's, which is semi-private. (Will I have the guts to actually friend him on Facebook one of these days? Time will tell.)

Now, another admission: I snooped her page way longer than I probably should have.

But there was a vibe to her recent posts that I couldn't quite put my finger on--a noticeable lack of Brennan. She's the type of person that tags everyone in random stuff on FB throughout the day, and makes regular status updates, posts pictures of where she goes and what she's doing. Not an entirely smart move to make when your social media is completely public. Especially for creeps like me. I digress.

ANYWAY. Yeah, she was always making gushing posts about him and posting pictures of the two of them together. And it went from always tagging him and posting on his wall and vice versa to...nothing. Except for lots and lots of angsty mood status updates with sad emojis and sad-but-supportive reactions from her friends, mid-August.

Then it finally occurred to me to stop being a creep and to just freakin' check her relationship status. I scrolled back up her page, eyes darting, searching for it. Then I found it.

Relationship status: Single.

Whoa. There it was, in black and white.

I ruminate over this for a few days, let it soak in. And that's when I realized that Brennan had noticeably re-appeared in my social media likes and Snapchat story views near the middle of August.

Ho.

ly.

Crap.

This realization gave me the courage, a few days later, to slide into Brennan's Instagram DMs. AGAIN.

I sent him something to the effect of, "Hey, stranger. How have you been?" Innocuous enough, right? That way, it looked friendly, and platonic. Just in case I was wrong about what my very eyes had seen for themselves. Because I'm paranoid like that.

But, lo and behold, all of my fears and paranoia were for nothing. Because when he replied, he called me 'cutie', just like he always used to. Like no time had passed at all.



Can I just say? I felt so validated. I still feel validated.

All those times that noticed all the times he would like my personal posts, and watch my Snapchat story when I had selfies in it--I'd always just had this feeling, like it meant something that he was still bothering to pay attention after all this time. All the other guys I'd been involved with fell off of my social media after a certain amount of time, stopped caring eventually. He never did.

I knew it meant something. I knew it.

And Internet. Let me tell you. Brennan started flirting with me. Started flirting with me hard.

I'm not going to lie, it felt good, really good, to have very clear proof that Brennan is still attracted to me. Especially now that I've long realized my feelings for him.



We talked for about a week, catching up.

He graduated earlier this year, and now has a great first job straight of out college, amazingly. He told me that he had decided to break up with his ex last month, and that it had been his decision. He also noted knowingly, to my mortification, that it was interesting that I had just randomly decided to text him out of the blue after he had just become single. I swear he knows that I found him on Facebook somehow--I don't know how he knows that, but he's pretty intuitive, so I guess I'm not surprised he knows. I just told him jokingly that maybe it was intuition, and he just laughed it off and changed the subject.

I told him that I had dropped out of college due to finances, but that I intend to finish my degree one day. I also told him about how much I love my new job, and that my anxiety has been much more manageable these days since I started taking some supplements (and they have helped me. They've helped a ton.). I told him I had been doing better the past few months than I have felt in years. He told me he was super happy to hear that I was feeling better, and he said it in the most genuine way. And when I read it, it gave me butterflies.

He continued to flirt throughout all of this, and the butterflies in my stomach rioted. For God's sake, I was swooning. I have not swooned since...well. Since my first kiss. But before that??? YEARS. And this was just from talking to him.

All he had to say was that he adored my lips, and that they looked luscious. And instantly I was a blushing, squealing mess, with my face buried into my pillow. And the same thing happened when he sent me a selfie, showing me his new haircut, which makes him look so effing hot. Oh my God. I think that Brennan is hot. And I want to jump his bones.



Hell. I like Brennan, Internet. I really, really like Brennan.

It terrifies me how much I like Brennan.

I have not liked anyone this way since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, the whole reason I started this blog. I finally get what people mean when they say they feel like they're in high school again--that's exactly how I feel right now. With all of the ups and downs that goes with those feelings. I feel like I'm going crazy.

So onto the ups and downs.

As exciting as all of that was, the entire time I felt this low current of worry. Because I couldn't stop remembering that Brennan and his ex broke up only last month. One month ago.

In the grand scheme of things, 1 month isn't long. It isn't long at all. And I have no idea what a breakup is like.

I mean, of course I know what heartbreak is like. Hell, that's the whole reason I created this blog in the first place--because of my first broken heart.

But breakups? Breakups that are your decision? I don't know what that process is like. I have no clue how that feels, and what the consequences feel like, or how long it takes to move past a breakup that was your decision. It seems different from a mutual breakup, and different from when someone gets dumped.

So this whole time, I can't help but wonder: Am I letting myself be a rebound?

I mean. 1 month guys. That's so recent. Just a few weeks. I barely feel different from one month to another. 9 months is another story. (See above.) But 1 month? That's barely anything at all.

If I started dating Brennan now, that would make me a rebound. And I don't want to be a rebound. Not at all.

My feelings for Brennan deserve more than being a rebound. And if Brennan had feelings for me at all, even remotely, I think that deserves more than a rebound fling, too.

So. Because of these thoughts, infuriatingly, it soured me to this flirting between us. Even though two seconds ago I was so excited about it, these thoughts made me question it.

And I couldn't help but notice that every time I asked Brennan if we could switch from DMs to texting, and asking for his number because I had deleted it some time ago when I'd gotten a new phone, he had kept brushing it off and changing the subject. And so that made me see his flirtation in a different light, too: Maybe Brennan doesn't have feelings for me at all. Maybe he was just flirting with me because he felt like it, because he can now without being tied down in a relationship. Maybe that's all he wanted.

As all of these thoughts gathered in my head, meanwhile, I had sent Brennan a surprise selfie of me in my cute pajamas.

And he left me on Read for 2 days without even the smallest response.



....Internet. Am I misreading things, or is Brennan not actually interested in me at all?

 God, I feel crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. And I feel stupid.

Why can't I figure out what he wants? Am I just misreading all of this?

After those two days, he only said that he'd been busy, and that I looked lovely. But my mind immediately skipped over the compliment and dwelled on the 'busy' comment. Because I couldn't help but wonder what had kept him so busy that he had time to open my selfie and look at it but not to type even a single word response.

Tired of feeling crazy, and tired of the ansty stomach ache I'd had for those 2 consecutive days that he'd ignored me, I decided to just take it out of my hands.

I told him that he seemed preoccupied, that it wasn't a big deal, and gave him my number, saying I was tired of DMing inside of Instagram and to text me when he was ready. And that if he didn't there wouldn't be hard feelings. (A lie. But I wanted it to seem that way, anyway.)

I just had a feeling that this may be something other than me. After all, he just went through a breakup last month. And he just got a new job. And I have no idea what's going on in his personal life other than that.

So it might not be me. It's difficult for me not to take things personally--especially because of my anxiety. The anxiety monster in my head reads into every single interaction I have throughout the day and over-analyzes it to death. Good or bad.

But I'm just trying my best to be understanding right now. Even if my first, knee-jerk reaction is to feel hurt and to push him away again.

This is a circumstance that I have never been through before. Being a potential rebound isn't a nice feeling. And I want to express that to him--but not yet. It's too soon. I don't want to assume anything, and I don't want to pressure him. No matter how much I like him. And no matter how much I'm bursting to tell him how much I like him.

Not yet. It's not the time yet. I need to be considerate of him, and to give him time and space.

So that's what I'm going to do. No matter how much it's killing me to do, I'm going to do it.

And now he has my number again. The ball is in his court. And if he never texts me at all, I'll have me answer, and I can move on.

At least I, for the very first time, won't have regrets about never doing anything. I took a chance, a risk, which I never used to do before. I put myself out there instead of running away. And that was exactly what wanted for myself this year--to take chances. To be brave.

If this doesn't work out, Internet, and he doesn't want me the way I want him, at least I know I was brave.

I'm still nervous. I still check my phone way more than is necessary. I still feel a small twinge of disappointment when I receive a new text and it's not him. It's been one week. I'll give him more time.



If after two weeks he doesn't text, I'll consider that my answer and begin to move on.

But at least this time I'll be able to move on for real, instead of running and hiding and hanging on to old memories without having any sure answers. At least now I'll know.

Stay tuned.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Happy belated Autumn equinox. Change has come. And I welcome it.)

Labels: autumn, brennan, change, i'm baaaaack, job stuff, life, progress, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, tragedy

Hey, Internet! Belated Happy Holidays!

I hope all of you guys had magical (or if not magical, at least decent?) holidays this month. You deserve it after the helluva year you've had.

As for me, Christmas this year was peaceful.

Financially, things have still been tight, as the
y have been all year this year. So instead of exchanging presents this year, my folks and I decided to have good food and good company for Christmas instead.

Delicious food, annual homemade cookies (which we decorated), good movies, and for me, a brand new tradition: I found an amazing mulled wine recipe and made it in the crock pot. Holy freakin' crap. Amazing. SO GOOD. I had to restrain myself from drinking all of it on my own, lest I subject myself to a merry Christmas hangover.

But before the holiday actually came, I found myself...in a slight dilemma.

Nothing too major, nothing even that big of a deal. But for me, it was pretty embarrassing.

You see, there's this phenomena that happens at this time of year that I like to call the Christmas Crazies.

I only more recently came up with this name for it, but I've written about it before. See this entry "Dodged that bullet."

Christmas couples, Christmas crazies, whatever you want to call it...it's a phenom. A phenom that I hate. And yet it affects me all the same.

Around this time of year, I get this inexplicable yearning. 

I don't know if it's the mushy corny cheesy Hallmark holiday movies I watch every year on an infinite loop (probably a huge contributing factor, not going to lie), or if it's my favorite classic Christmas songs which happen to be romantic in nature (All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)), or if it's the cold weather making me want to snuggle up in my pajamas with someone.

But man. Without fail. I get more sentimental, definitely. But I also yearn. For who? Anybody? I don't know. But the older I get, it's gotten worse.

Last year, unfortunately, I got the Yearnings for R*cky B*bby. (Censored because I promised I'd stop blogging about him. Hah.) But all of my nostalgia craze was just starting this time last year, so that was why. Also last year, I had my first and last date with Brennan after months of resisting meeting him in person at all. It's safe to say the Christmas Yearnings had gotten to me, and that was why I had decided to say yes to a snowy Christmas Eve Eve coffee date.

This year, I got them for...I don't know. Everybody?

I'm telling you Internet. The Christmas Crazies this year were on steroids. One minute I was feeling relaxed and unworried about any and all boys, the next minute I was talking to 4--LITERALLY 4--different guys from Tinder at once. 3 days before Christmas.

And before you guys get all Judgey McJudger at me, this is unheard of for me. When I do start talking to a guy, I just talk to that guy and that guy only. This is to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

However, this time I just...I don't know, guys. I think I had a nervous breakdown, or something. Or maybe the romance in the air had me a little overwhelmed and I got a bit right-swipe happy.

Either way, I got four new matches 3 days before Christmas, and all 4 of them started talking to me at once.

Deciding that I was in the mood to talk to some people, I answered them all. And my dilemma began.

Thankfully, conversations with two of them tapered off after two hours or so. But the other two persisted into the next day.

1 of them asked me out right off the bat from the first day we talked, which was a red flag for me. I told him that I was busy, but I would think about it and talk to him later. So the next day, we began talking some more, and conversation was nice, so I was seriously considering maybe hanging out with him sometime.

As we talked that day, he followed me on Instagram (my IG is connected to my Tinder profile). Seeing that he did, I went to follow him back, His account was private, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. I sent a follow request and went about my day, still talking to him casually.

He accepted my request about 30 mins later, so I went to look at his Instagram. I noticed a lot of travel pictures, which was cool. But then I noticed something peculiar--the pictures I saw of him throughout his feed looked NOTHING like the pictures he had on Tinder.

I even scrolled down to the bottom of his Instagram feed--the oldest pictures were from three years ago, and yet the pictures of him from then still weren't anything like his Tinder pictures.

At first I was positive this guy was a Catfish, so I got all prepared to tell him off. Then when I went back to his Tinder profile once more, I realized--the pictures on his Tinder were of him, but they were years old. Like, way older than three years old. Possibly 5 years or more. College pictures, and he very clearly was long out of college (27 years old).

And our conversation was getting increasingly creepy. He kept making sexual remarks, kept asking sexual questions, and began persisting over and over again that we should date.

Obviously, I was way creeped out at this point. So I decided to let him down easy, block him on both apps, and get the heck out of that situation.

Predictably, he took it badly, even though I had calmly made an excuse about not having the time to date anybody at the moment. I was fortunate enough not to have him call me names or harass me further than the typical 'Well, why not? Why are you even on here, then?' And then thankfully he did me the favor of blocking me on both apps instead of me having to do it.

So, yeah. Yikes.

If anything, all that experience did was remind me why I hate Tinder in the first place. I haven't been back on since.

As for the other guy, he was nice enough, at least compared to that other guy. Cute too, but way out of my league. (He plays college basketball, and he's been on ESPN. Why did he even want to talk to me in the first place? No idea.) We exchanged Snapchat usernames, snapped back and forth for 2 days (just face snaps, nothing crazy), and then stopped talking but have been passively watching each other's snap stories ever since. Ah, romance.

(He's never gonna talk to me again.)

So, in conclusion: the Christmas Crazies got to me again this year. But at least I didn't go any terrible dates, especially not with that one wacko. Two conversations were enough for me.

IN OTHER NEWS: 2016. Coming up fast as hell.

And for me, big changes are coming with the New Year.

The biggest and most important change: a job. I GOT ONE. TECHNICALLY.

After all that job applying for years, and yielding no results, I decided to do this differently. Take a different approach. Because obviously what I was doing was not working at all for me, and you know. Definition of insanity and all that.

So, I decided to do some research on modern ways to make money. And I stumbled upon this article about just that. Some things it listed were becoming an Uber driver, becoming a nanny or babysitter, and then--once I spotted it, it felt like I struck gold--becoming a pet sitter.

DING DING DING.

An important thing about me, internet: I love animals. I love animals so, so much. I connect with animals. Especially pets. Especially dogs. And so when I found a website specifically dedicated to finding dog sitters, I immediately went to their application page to become a sitter. And after a little work filling it out, getting a testimonial from a family member written for my profile, and getting a background check done, I was cleared. My application was approved.

Y'all. I have a job.

LET ME REPEAT. I HAVE A JOB.

Sure, it's a self employment job. But it's run through this website, and involves self promotion. I can do that. Hell, I'm a Millenial. I was born for the age of social media.

It'll take a lot of hard work, and a lot of cute messy pups to watch, but I can do it. I've pet sat before, and it was easy and fun. (Plus, an option like this makes way more sense for me than babysitting. Kids are too much for me to handle on my own at the moment. I prefer furbabies.)

So...come January, I'll be starting as soon as I possibly can. I'll start promoting this week, and hopefully come the first week of January, I'll have my first customer.

I'm anxious to start, because I have a very important trip to save up for in February. Said trip would probably be life changing, and be a turning point for my life. (But more on that later!)

And after that event, I would continue to work so I could save up money to go back to college, and some other very VERY important things as well that would make my 2016 a turning point in my life.

These are more than just my same old resolutions for New Years. I'm going to make absolute sure that 2016 will be a very different year for me. But in a good way. In a great way. It's in my hands. It's my life. I have to make it happen. Nobody is stopping me but me.

Change that I've needed for a long time is coming.



Internet, let's hope this self-push coming at me fast in 2016 is just what I needed to do for myself. (And let's hope that those Christmas Crazies stay away from me next year.)

Once again, Happy Holidays to all of you, and Happy New Year! See you all next year! (Ugh, I know, I'm sorry. Why did I make that joke? Why?! I'll show myself out.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: brennan, change, christmas 2015, christmas crazies, new year, resolutions, tinder

Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.

• I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
• I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
• Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
• I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
• After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)

Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder

Internet!!

So. I wasn't quite sure where to start with writing about all the things that have changed since I last wrote. I mean just...a lot of things have changed. A lot.

First things first...I live in a new house.

Yup. We moved. ONCE AGAIN. And this time, it's in a house with just me, my mom, and my dad (and dog). You might recall that I've lived with my grandma and young cousins for...well, as long as I've had this blog. Since the 8th grade. Basically my grandma moved into us to help us pay rent, because we could barely afford ours and she could barely afford hers, and it would be much easier for all of us if we lived together.

But after a while the dynamic in the house shifted--soon my grandma refused to help pay rent and the utility bill, and the pressure was on my parents to pay all of it. So as you can imagine, that actually made our financial situation worse. We have been very very tight on money, barely living paycheck to paycheck, for years now.

And aside from money, none of us had been very happy with living together for the past year or so. There had always kind of been tension, especially between my mom and my grandma (my dad's mother), but in 2013 it came to a head multiple times. Someone was always arguing or yelling at each other, or my cousins were always getting into mischief, leaving us to clean after them. And worst of all, for me, was that my grandma was always inviting people we didn't know over to our house without telling us. There had been many a time when a stranger would come over and I'd be in my pajamas in the living room, bed hair and all. Not only humiliating but also annoying when said stranger comes over again, sees me again but in daytime clothes, and would say, "Oh, you got dressed today!"

So around Christmas time, when we discovered that we would have to move soon because the landlord wanted to sell the house, I confronted Mom about possibly moving into separate houses now, and she could not agree more with me. So that led to both of us confronting Dad about it, and then him confronting Grandma, and well...here we are.

It took some convincing on her end, however. Until she realized that she wanted her own house again too, haha. Then we helped her find a house, and we found our new house. And it all worked out!

And here's the most hilarious part of it...we moved next door to our old house. HAHA. Literally one house over.

We were having such a hard time trying to find a place, and then we found out that the house next door was up for rent, so we looked...and it was perfect. Funny how stuff like that works out, isn't it?

SO. The new house. Just a two story, a main floor and a basement. And the entire basement is mine. Main/living space, my bedroom, my own bathroom with a door right to it from my room, and a WALK IN CLOSET.

I've never in my life had a bathroom connected to my bedroom, or a walk in closet. And as it's in the basement, it's quiet, and just as cool as I like it to be in my room. In all honesty, it's the best room I've ever had, and that includes the room I had in middle school where I had my own deck outside.

The only downside: the bugs. Inevitable for any basement, I think. We've been trying our best to keep them away, although there have been some pretty bad incidents (one includes a giant spider on the toilet paper in the bathroom, which I accidentally touched when it fell INTO MY HAND. Will never look at toilet paper the same way. Scarred for life.)  but we're working on it.

But the pros far outweigh the cons, and my stress levels have gone down significantly since moving. I think they have for all of us, even my grandma and cousins. And when we miss each other, we visit each other's houses for a few hours, and then we go home. To separate houses. And live peacefully how we want. Such a relief, I cannot even tell you.

So since we've moved to the new house, we've been very busy trying to get everything organized and looking presentable (or somewhat presentable) and my main area down here only has a folding chair, 3 bookshelves, and a TV in it, lol. But babysteps! We'll get it together eventually.

Aside from the house, some other things have changed for me as well.

• Me and Rose do not speak anymore, aside from the occasional Instagram comment or Facebook comment she leaves me. Which I'll sometimes respond to. 
• Me and Jazz don't speak anymore either, except for the time in January when I helped her out at her salon school by being a hair model (where I made the mistake of letting her chop off WAY too much of it, ack!) She was supposed to graduate her salon school in March, and I'm assuming she still did, but getting caught up with moving and my birthday, I didn't hear about it. She also somewhat recently deleted her Facebook, and as I only have her number now, I don't know what she's up to these days. Kinda sad about that, because she was the only person aside from family that lived here that really acted like she cared about me, but what can you do. 
•  Turned 21 (notice the change in the blog title!!!) in March, and I've since been enjoying an occasional drink here and there. My first alcoholic drink, on my birthday at the restaurant we went to, was a glass of Sangria, which I enjoyed so much that I drank my mom's afterwards as well. Got a little tipsy, and got my first hangover the day afterwards (hit me like a ton of bricks, good lord). I've also learned I enjoy mixed drinks, that I should not mix alcohols and that I should stay away from margaritas for a while because tequila is the devil. (Learned that two weeks ago at a Mexican restaurant, drank all of my Sangria and then thought it was a brilliant idea to drink the rest of my mom's margarita right afterwards. Threw it all up in the restaurant bathroom literally 5 minutes after finishing it. Not my brightest moment. But it tasted like a slushie! I thought I'd be fine!) So yeah, still learning. I didn't have any experience drinking in high school like most people so it might take me a while to get used to it and build up my tolerance.
• Started a diet. Now, before anything else, I want to clarify: I'm not doing it to lose weight. I've been eating a crap ton of fast food and other processed food the past 5 months or so, and I need to detox. I'd started feeling truly awful and so unhealthy because of it, so I decided to start a reasonable diet. I started this diet, the paleo diet, at the beginning of this month, so it's literally super recent. Some days I really enjoy it, others I want to put my fist through a window and then eat an entire block of cheese. But thankfully, I gave myself Saturday and Sunday to eat all the junk I want, and during my diet days I allow myself greek yogurt and hummus because I would miss them way too much.

Labels: birthday, change, firsts, health, jazz, job stuff, rose, shenanigans

But sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?

Internet, even though I just graduated two weeks ago, there's already lots of changes happening. For one thing, we're moving.

Yup. Moving to a new house.

It's interesting, because when my mom told me, I wasn't all that surprised. For the past month, I've had the distinct feeling that something was going on that everyone wasn't telling me, probably for the sake of me not being more stressed than I already was. Plus, I don't exactly have a good record of handling moving well. (Look to this entry and this one.) So, I'm sure they were pretty worried about my reaction. But when she told me, my exact reaction was 'Oh'.

I know! It was...weird. I felt a little disappointed. After all, we had spent 3 years here. A good amount of my high school years was spent here. And the last 3 years of high school, good or not, my whole life was this place. This is the place where I grew as a person. And for that, I'll always love this house.

But it was also the place where I have harbored some serious emotional baggage. It's the place I first started to realize who my true friends are in my life, and where my priorities should lie. It's the place where I realized that not everyone will be there for you. It's the place where I learned, unfortunately at times, what it's like to be alone for too long.

I love this house. I do. It has its flaws (like how the back of it is RIGHT next to a busy street, and we can clearly see the Walgreens across the street from the kitchen window, the backwards door handle on the door of the downstairs bathroom, and the way my room turns into an oven in the afternoon because of poor wall insulation, and the way my bathroom door won't close and lock if it's raining), but they're flaws I've grown to love. I love how the park is just five houses away, and I can walk to it whenever I want. I love how there's a Walgreens and 7-11 right nearby if I feel like making a junk food run. And I'll always love this house for the beautiful memories I've had here.

But, honestly? I'll be happy if I never have to come back to it.

Maybe that's selfish, but I've just had so many hard times here, and I can't help but associate those with this house now. I can't explain it, but it sort of feels like even when I move on in my life, if we were to stay here, those same feelings of depression and loneliness would stay too. And I don't want that.

I feel like this move will be a good chance for me to start over. Officially. I'm not 'homeschooled Sarah' anymore. I've graduated. I'm moving on. And I think that moving houses would really help with that.

These past few years have made me start to crave change. And where I used to dread change and push it away, now, as I've gotten older, I've started to embrace it. Maybe that's a part of growing up too.

So, there's that. My parents haven't really been upfront about how much time we have left in this house, but I'm getting the gist that the owner wants us out, and soon, because he wants to sell it. When I mentioned in passing about ordering something online with my graduation money, my dad said I should probably wait until we move. When I asked him if we would be out of the house before even the two weeks that it takes to ship this item, he said yes. Sounds pretty soon to me. I should probably start packing, haha.

Something else that's changing this summer are my interests. (Not kpop, lol. Pretty sure that's here to stay for a good while!) But something I wanted to start this summer was dance lessons.

I know, I KNOW. Wait, it gets better!!

I was thinking of taking beginner adult ballet lessons.

.......Okay, you can stop laughing hysterically now.

No, seriously! I've been considering taking some sort of lessons for a while now, like dance or Taekwondo, but I think that ballet would be the best option for me, and for various reasons.

For one: I'm out of shape. Like, reaaaaaally out of shape. And before you say anything, I'm not calling myself fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just...severely out of shape. For reals. Like, I think spending all this time inside, not just for the past few months, but the past few years, made my muscles disintegrate. I'm just skin and bones, and in between them are squishy jello-y parts that I think used to be my muscles.
I get easily winded going up stairs, and I get sore from even just walking around all day. (Like, the day after my graduation? There were parts of me sore that I didn't know even existed. And that was just from WALKING AROUND.)

Also, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, and when I leaned on my leg weird, I threw my knee out. I kid you not. Seriously, my health is terrible right now.
So, I need to work on getting in shape again, because I know being as inactive as I am right now, and being as young as I am, is dangerous. And since I'm not even a little bit athletic (the thought of me being on a soccer or a basketball team makes me laugh a little. I mean really, I just started thinking about it just now, and I burst out laughing. I'm laughing now as I type this.), I think dance might be the better option for me.

Another reason I want to sign up for lessons is that I'm uncoordinated. Really. I'm so bad at.....moving. In general. I trip over air at least once a day. I'm constantly dropping things and constantly off balance. And on top of that, when I'm in public and I feel uncomfortable or awkward, it worsens tenfold. Which makes my awkwardness worse. Which makes my general confidence and self esteem worsen as well.

So, I think taking ballet lessons would help with my coordination, my balance, and my confidence too, considering I would have to learn routines and dance in front of my teacher and the other people in my class each lesson. It'll be difficult at first, for sure, and maybe the first few lessons I'll feel like quitting, but I think it will be really good for me in the long run. And if it isn't? Nothing lost, except for a little bit of cash. Plus, I'd get to keep the cute leotard, tights, and slippers.

The past few years, after quitting volleyball right after middle school, I'd been thinking I needed a new hobby. So maybe, just maybe, this could fit me well. I could really love it. And if not? Then at least I tried and can say I did it!

So after we move, I might get to sign up for that. I already found a dance studio I want to take them at, and for a reasonable price, so I'm excited for that!

Two more things I might be doing this summer: a part-time job and therapy.

I know, a part-time job is a given, since I've been saying that every summer since the ninth grade, lol. But therapy is definitely a must.

As you could probably tell from reading this entry, and previous entries from the past few months in general, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional roller coasters this year. Not just 2012 so far, but this past school year. It was pretty difficult, and I know that things could have been much worse, which I'm thankful for, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it.

I talk to my parents about it, and they are always there for me and I love them for it, but I also feel like I might need some professional help, lest I keep them harbored inside of me to create deeper problems later in life. This past winter, my mom had mentioned to me a few times that she thinks I may have depression, and I think she might be right. I don't want to be over paranoid about it, but bipolar disorder runs in her side of the family, and so I feel like I shouldn't completely rule that out. To just be sure that it was personal problems I was going through the past year, and not serious health problems, therapy is something that I want to do as well.

The past few months, although I've had fun times, in the background, I've just...felt sad. Not like 'oh, woe is me, I have problems! My life sucks!' or anything like that, just...sad. I haven't really openly acknowledged it until now because acknowledging it would have made it real. Because even when I tried to be okay, deep down inside I knew I wasn't. And I still sort of feel that way. That isn't normal. And I've had a few periods in my life where I've felt that way.

So, I just want to get this sorted out. And I want to feel genuinely happy again. Right now, I feel better. I feel much better than I have for months now that school's over. But I know that there's things inside of me that I still need to fix. So that I can feel myself. I know it won't happen right away, but in the long run, it'll be worth it. Because I'm tired of feeling anxious, of feeling insecure all the time. I just want to be me again.

The next few months will be full of change, tons of it, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for my life to go in this new direction.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ballet, change, life, summer, therapy

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