♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Goodbye, summer 2010. Welcome, autumn.}
Tuesday, August 31, 2010 | 9:38 AM | 0Comment

Well, Internet, my summer has come to an end.

Actually, it came to an end on the 17th. I started school then, and so far, it's not so bad. I like my classes all right, except for Algebra 2, maybe. But I'm don't decent in that class, so, I'm not upset over it.
I'm also taking Chemistry, American Government, English (speaking of which, I'm supposed to be doing my Autobiographical narrative right now...shh...), Music Appreciation and Psychology. I love psychology. I don't know why, but it's just so COOL.

I also have a new two month old baby cousin that I just love so much. Off subject, I know, but he's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Anyway, for this school year, I fixed up my school room, and it has a butterfly chair and a radio and knick knacks and framed picture of Holly Golightly. I actually like being in there now. It's so cute!

My friends have started school too, and they seem to like this school year so far. The school has changed a lot since I went there. Since the school's a private school (one that's been open since the seventies, by the way), they're having a bit of a money problem, considering the recession and all. And 'money problem' is putting it VERY lightly.

Originally, they had two separate campuses for the Elementary school and the middle & high school, but they had to SELL the entire Elementary school campus for money. Not an entirely smart idea in my opinion, I think they would've made more money by renting out the campus and getting a monthly rent rather than just a lump sum, but whatever. They must've been desperate.

Resulting, the elementary school moved into the same building as the Middle schoolers, which sucks for both parties. I was terrified by Middle schoolers when I was in Elementary, and having Kindergartners running around the hallways and around your legs and 2nd graders standing in your way when you're in a rush to your locker doesn't sound so welcoming. I'm just glad this all happened after I graduated Junior High.

And apparently, they've cut back on spending also, because they've filled all their soda vending machines with plain water, sold half of the school's trash cans, sold a few printers to cut back on ink prices, and have talked about getting rid of the snack vending machines as well. Ouch.

And since so many things there have gone downhill, tons of people transferred school this year. Like, TONS. I don't blame them. Best Friend Rose said that all the hot people are gone, so things are boring now. Sounds it.

So, I'm pretty much thankful for my school experience now. Well, I have been, but even more so now. No pressure, no drama, just school. So I can actually FOCUS on my grades. It's a relief.

And Jazz is pretty much okay with school right now, too, except for one thing. She's decided to distance herself from Johnny and everyone else in that group.

Johnny's changed a lot in two years. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. Two years ago now, we were so close. SO close. He had drug problems in the past, and he could be a jerk sometimes, but he was a good friend. If I needed to talk about something seriously, he would listen. I felt like he cared about my life and what was happening.

But something happened. I don't know what, but something happened.

He's tried every drug I can probably think of, he's a total douche bag (reference point: dumping Jazz after ONE WEEK of going out), he's addicted to sex and does anything with a pulse and boobs, he's two faced and manipulative, and he doesn't give a crap about anybody.

I went to the mall with Johnny and Jazz a few weeks ago, and Johnny acted so strangely at first. It was like we weren't even friends. A little later, he got a little better, but I remember one specific incident when I said something dumb in a joking manner, instead of teasing me and laughing like he would've normally done, he literally acted like I was mentally impaired. It hurt my feelings, and it came out of nowhere, so I was shocked. He never would've done that before.

And, on the anniversary of Jazz's mother's death, Jazz was feeling, understandably, depressed. She was hanging out with Johnny that day, and when he asked her why she was 'acting so mopey', and she told him, he told her to 'get over it'.

When I heard that, I was livid. Jazz only just told me about this, and it happened in May. How could someone say that? How could he say that and call himself her friend? You DO NOT say that to ANYBODY who's lost someone, especially in the manner Jazz lost her mother.

You just DON'T.
And if he weren't such a condescending, self-centered asshole, he'd be able to grasp something as simple as that.

So I'm proud of Jazz for distancing herself from him. He doesn't deserve Jazz as a friend. Hell, he doesn't deserve any friends, and how he has any right now blows my mind.

And since we're on the subject of Johnny, let's talk about Ricky Bobby, too. Johnny and Ricky Bobby hang out all the time. In fact, once RB moved back here, hanging out between them was almost an everyday thing.

I found out that the whole 'I still like Ricky Bobby' thing for me isn't true. What is true is that I'm still attracted to him, and I possibly always will be. It's just one of those attraction things that never go away, and I'm okay with that. But I don't like him like him. Which is a relief, because from what I hear, he's pretty much an asshole too (a sexy asshole).

And he's doing that whole 'I hate it here' thing that he did when he first moved here in the 8th grade. Which is whatever. He's a bipolar douchebag, and always has been. I just forgot that while he was in Pennsylvania. So, I just don't really give (much of a) crap about him these (recent) days.

Later today, I'm getting my reserved copy of the first book of Cassandra Clare's prequel series to The Mortal Instruments series, The Infernal Devices, called Clockwork Angel. It just came out last night at midnight. I think that officially qualifies me to be a book nerd, but I don't care and OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED.

So right now, things are pretty good. My summer was great too. I now have a life again, which is a huge contrast from the last school year. I'm happy now. I'm taking it one day at a time, and I'm good with it.

Here's to a great Junior year! ;)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Secret #1.}
Tuesday, August 3, 2010 | 9:38 PM | 0Comment

Every once in a blue moon, I feel sad about never dating anybody. I feel hopeless.

I feel the hopelessness because I've never felt a kiss, never stayed up late texting someone until I fell asleep because we couldn't stop talking...I've never even known what it's like to love someone--or at least, like someone a lot--and have them like me back.
Like, truly like me back. For who I am. Sometimes it actually feels like it will always be this way for me.
And it's a horrible hopelessness.

It's the deep, ripping, burning feeling of heartbreak, the kind that makes you feel hollow and bitterly cold.

And when that happens, I feel absolutely certain that nobody really truly gets what it feels like.

But I guess everyone feels that at some point, right?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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I have to admit, I kept it up for a good while.}
| 12:43 AM | 0Comment

Hey, Internet.

Last night, I received this text message from Best Friend Rose at about 11:20.
"So ricky bobby just called me".

At the time, I was reading a book, and it opening it and reading it, I nearly had a heart attack. You know, the ones I always seem to have.
I try to play it cool, and I say, "Ricky Bobby who? Ricky Bobby 'Jones'?" Ricky Bobby's actual name is one of the most popular and overused boys' names in my generation. Literally, you could probably guess it within five minutes. As a result, we personally know about 6 or 7 "Ricky Bobbys", and we usually need to differentiate.

Of course, this one isn't the case, because Best Friend Rose knows that there's only one Ricky Bobby to me that matters. Which is why she replied with, "Lol. No. Ricky Bobby (insert last name here), or however you spell his last name." And I knew she could see past my ruse.

At this point, my stomach was churning and working itself into a knot. I sat up in bed and attempted to cool myself down. I replied, "Haha ohhhh gotcha. I'm pretty surprised I didn't guess that first. So how'd that go? That's so random. Lmao"

The whole deal with this conversation was that it was frustrating, because Best Friend Rose is on vacation in Southern Texas, and apparently either my phone's service or her phone's service was being faulty, and I had to wait for her response, and upon realizing that she probably hadn't even gotten the message, I had to send it again. Usually by the third time, it got through.

She said, "i know!! Lol. Ha I know well I didn't answer and he left a message and was with Johnny. i called them back but they're idiots. lol"

Even more curious--well, okay, anxious now--I replied with, "Hahah of course. They would do that! Lmfao idiots. So no meaningful conversation then, huh?" I think my sarcasm was lost within text, and it wasn't as effective. Oh well.

She said, "Lmao nope. Called me a bitch twice in the message tho lolol. Not serious, I assume."

As I read that, my eyebrows rose. I pictured Ricky Bobby and Johnny, most likely high somewhere, shouting obscenities at my best friend through Ricky Bobby's cell phone on speakerphone and then laughing hysterically at it. I don't know why it faintly bothered me, I mean, I've never missed an episode of Family Guy, for pity's sake. You'd think I'd be completely desensitized to things like this by now. I still can't put my finger on why it bothered me.

I replied coolly, "Haha oh my god. Just lovely." And then I told her to go look at my new pictures on my Facebook.

There was no reply, even after the third time I sent it, so I assumed she was asleep.

Lately, I've gotten this weird feeling.
You know that paranoid feeling you get when there are some people near you, whispering, and you know they're talking about you. but at the same time they would never come right out and say it?

Well. That's what I've been feeling lately. Except not with groups of people, and not in a public place. Instead, it's Ricky Bobby, and on his Facebook.

I don't know if you've ever been convicted of this, Internet, but I know I have: I have this habit of making obscure, indirect status updates when I want to let something out about a situation, or my feelings about a certain situation. Yep, I'm one of those people. One of those people who take a certain line from a song, put it as their status, and hope the person it's about reads behind your subtlety and takes the hint.

Well, Ricky Bobby makes those all the time. And I mean all the time.
And I know what you're thinking: Sarah, you've overreacting again. He's most likely just putting random lyrics from random songs on his Facebook, and even if they are directed at somebody, it's most likely not you.

I don't blame you at all, that's what I'm almost positive of too. But I have this feeling. My instincts are telling me otherwise.
Sometimes instincts can be wrong. But sometime they aren't.

On Facebook, when someone puts lyrics in their status updates, I get curious and Google the lyrics, just to see what their musical tastes are. RB is no different.

A few days ago, I put used a quote in my status from the song "Breakthrough" by Colbie Caillat. A good summary of the lyrics comes from the first verse, chorus, and part of the second verse:
Why is it so hard? It was so long ago. I don't know where to start, or what to say to you. I've been all alone, needing you by my side. But its not too late. Maybe we just needed time. Can we try to let it go? If we don't, then we'll never know. I try to break through, but you know that its up to you. We say that time is meant to heal, but it still hurts inside. I wish that none of this was real, cause we're so far behind.


Which, I'm sure you notice, I can relate to. Anyway, I posted the, 'Can we try to let it go? If we don't then we'll never know' part. Then, just a little later that day, Ricky Bobby posted, 'I'd rather be blind than to see you walk away from me', which is from, I assumed, the Rod Stewart version of 'I'd Rather Go Blind', since I don't think he's the Beyonce type. Parts of the lyrics include:
I would rather, I would rather go blind girl, than to see you walk away from me child. So you see, I love you so much, I don't want to see you leave me baby.


Which is nothing, right? But wait! Here's the weird part! I experimentally posted the next part of the 'Breakthrough' lyrics as my status, "I try to break through, but you know that it's up to you." And then, I swear, not even an hour later, Ricky Bobby posted, 'Those happy hours, That we once knew though long ago, still make me blue', which is from the song, 'I Can't Stop Loving You' by Van Morrison. I need to post all the lyrics for this one.

I can't stop loving you, since I made up my mind to live in memories of a lonesome time. I can't stop wanting you, it's useless to say. So I just live my life in dreams of yesterday. Those happy hours, oh, those happy hours that we once knew, Oh, that we once knew So long ago, so long ago, baby, still make me blue. Yeah, still make me blue. They say the time, they say that time, heals a broken heart, heals a broken heart. But time has stood still, but time has stood still, since we've been apart. Oh, since we've been apart. I can't stop loving you, since I made up my mind. Living in, live, live, live, live, live, live in memories of a lone, lonesome time.
I can't stop wanting you, it's useless to say. So I just live my life in dreams of yesterday.


So, you get the basic point. The thing that most caught my attention, other than the fact that Ricky Bobby could possibly listen to such romantic songs, was the 'time heals a broken heart' part and the needing you parts. That was...alarming.

Either it was a strange, oddly timed and specific coincidence, or it was done purposely. The songs that we used were almost identical in meaning.

It was...odd, to say the least. But since then, nothing else like that had happened. Until last night, when he called Best Friend Rose.

And the thing is, I don't think this is too terribly random, either. For the past few months, I may have or may have not been putting lyrics from songs in my statuses directed at him, and I may or may have not 'liked' certain pages that could pertain to him. Maybe. And maybe he noticed.

RB and Best Friend Rose hadn't talked since the day he moved away. And he decided to call her, randomly and out of the blue. Rose said it was pretty much the last thing she expected. Coincedence? Maybe. Maybe not.

All I know is, if this is his stupid, immature, twisted way of somehow trying to reach out to me, he's going to have to do better than that. If he wants to talk to me, he should grow some cajones and talk to me, and not send all these obscure, weird signs, if that's even what they are.

Oh, and just in case you haven't noticed by now...I gave up on lying to myself and to all of you guys. I'm sorry.

I still like him.

It's too much work trying to pretend like I don't. It wasn't helping anybody. And it feels better now that I can actually admit it.

But whatever I do, I'm not going to act on it. I'm not the same helpless, naive girl I was two years ago. I'm not going to chase him anymore.

If he's worth anything, and if he's really trying to reach out to me, he can do it up front like a man. And if he doesn't, then I'm not going to bother. I have more dignity, more strength than I did before. I know who I am.

I won't let him degrade me again.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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