♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Blog-a-versaries and New Starts}
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 3:22 PM | 2Comment

INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Let the Online Shenanigans begin?}
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 7:52 PM | 2Comment

Well, Internet.

I'm in the midst of my last weeks of school, and so far this weekend, all I've done is prepare for finals. (All the while studying so hard I could swear that I'm losing hair.) But what was it that I came to tell you about today?

Hmm. Well, probably the fact that I made a profile on an online dating website.

...OKAY, OKAY HOLD ON. Let me start at the beginning, here.

So, it started the day after I wrote my last entry. I was still kind of emotional, kind of tired, and really bored. I was going through this old website account I'd found back from when I was in middle school, one where I used to talk to guys all the time (reference point, Secret #2.) It was pretty entertaining to go through old pictures and my old profile and stuff. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me.
I'm 18 now. I can sign up for dating websites like eHarmony and Match.

Now, mind you, I'm not or will I ever be willing to pay money to meet people online. No freaking way. Because not only do I not have money to begin with, but if I did I wouldn't be spending it to pay people to find a boyfriend for me. No. Just. No.

So, at this point, curiosity was beginning to get to me, so I decided to just take a look at them. Skipping the pay websites, I went to ones like Plentyoffish, the Craigslist personals(but then I remembered the Craigslist killer and promptly left) and in a lapse of judgment, one of those absurd disgusting Friend Finder websites that I am NEVER again in my life going back to.

Finally, I found OKCupid. I found good reviews for it, and it seemed decent from the outside. I also talked to one of my online friends (we'll call her Trudy, I met her on Twitter like two years ago, and we've been friends ever since!) and she's been on there for a while, and she likes it.

So, I figured, eh. Why not? It wouldn't kill me. It seemed reliable. And after all, I was just curious.

So I made an OKCupid account on impulse. And within the first hour of signing up, I got my first message. I wasn't even finished filling in my profile, and they messaged me.
Pretty wary, right? Especially since I had only had my picture up. And it turned out I had every right to be suspicious, because he turned out to be a douche.

But it's been...interesting so far.

On my profile, I specifically put that I'm only looking for new friends, not relationships. And yet, I've already been asked out by 3 guys who barely even took the time to get to know me. And one that straight up asked me what I was wearing. Gross.
And most of them are either boring, pervy, or kind of annoying. Just like real life.

But so far, I've talked to two guys that seem to know the meaning of 'new friends'.
One is a 19 year old that lives one city over, and we've been talking about every sort of nerdy thing you could imagine. I'm talking books, authors, writing, comics, manga, science fiction, you name it. And he's very polite. It's nice talking to someone that I have passions in common with.

And then the other guy I'm talking to is 22, but I keep forgetting the age difference. He moved here from Michigan about a month and a half ago. We don't have that much in common, to be honest, but he's very nice and friendly, and it's fun talking to him. And not once has he mentioned anything that made me uncomfortable, which is a point in my book.

So. Yeah. I don't expect anything out of this, and I'm definitely not taking it seriously. I don't intend on meeting anyone in person. But at least it'll make things a bit more interesting, eh?

And lately I've been tired of not doing, well, anything lately. So this should shake things up, at least.

I still don't want to date at all right now. In fact, I don't want to date for a while. But at least it'll be a good reminder for me that not all guys are bad. In fact, there are good ones. I just have to look past all the nasties.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Month One of My Legal Adult Life Down, 984 to Go.}
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 | 9:38 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so much has happened in my first month of being 18 that I can't even begin to tell you.

Lol okay, not really. Nothing too exciting, per say,(as in any boy news and such) but you know me, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

First, my birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had since my 15th birthday (15th was an 80's theme, I kid you not. 8o's music galore, big hair, a basement decorated with so many balloons and streamers you would not believe it, and 13 Going On 30. Best birthday party ever.)
I didn't have a party, but I kind of hate parties now, so. (I used to love parties. Now I cringe when I hear the word. I think it was High School that made me hate them and all things associated with them.)

BUT, I did 1.) Go to the bookstore. My freaking haven. I would have been satisfied with just this alone, seriously.
2.) Go Chick-Fil-A for lunch, mostly just so I could have their glorious fries.
3.) Get a new rug and lamp for my room. I'm just finishing redecorating it, and it's red and black and epicness.
4.) Get a freaking IPOD TOUCH. Which is a relief, as well as being exciting, because my old grandpa iPod had lived with me since the 7th grade and it was slowly approaching the last of its days. I could barely listen to music with it off the charger, and the battery would die within 45 minutes. Sad to see it go (I get sentimental, okay? Haha), but I love my new iPod. It's all touch-screeny and high tech. I feel like I'm finally in 2011 now. Yay for technological advances!
5.) Have dinner at Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant forever) with Best Friend Rose, Jazz (more on that later), and my parents. Delicious. And it was awesome of them to come even with school the next day, since we had different Spring Breaks.
6.) Have a cookies and Cream ice cream cake with a big fat '18' candle on it.
7.) Get a new big fat bow headband, new leggings, Hello Kitty lights and a Harry Potter notebook from Best Friend Rose. (I practically screamed from joy when I saw them. She knows me so eerily well sometimes, it freaks me out. Seriously. But in a good way.)
8.) Watch k-dramas until I fell asleep.

It was seriously THE BEST birthday I've had since my 15th. Beats my birthday last year by a long shot. I just remember going to bed with the biggest smile on my face. And it meant even more because things are particularly tight for my family right now (well, things are always tight, but even more right now) and it meant the world to me that even though we're going through a rough time financially, my parents still put in all this effort for me to have a good birthday.
It meant the world.

So, AWESOME birthday. Then came four days later when I got the stomach flu for the second time in six months.
Yes. I somehow got the stomach flu again. And it was waaaay worse this time. I survived, obviously, but man did that suck.

You know what else sucks? Doing the ACTs within days of having the stomach flu.
YES INTERNET. I had to do my ACTs the weekend after being sick, meaning that I had just begun to stop feeling like a sore, dizzy stick figure. (I lost 8 pounds when I was sick. I looked like a lollipop having a terrible hair day. Assuming I would have hair as a lollipop, for some reason.)

I think I did decently, well hopefully. It's all kind of a blur. But I did happen to see a guy there that went to my old school, who I've known since the 6th grade, and we sat together and talked during break. It was a nice surprise to see someone I knew there, and it was sweet of him to even come over at all. It was very nice.

So after that nightmare, a few days later, I went shopping for spring clothes with giftcards that I got for my birthday. Shopping is always relevant, period.

And so since all of that, I've been busy catching up from being sick for 3 days and keeping pace with my schoolwork. And it's been good.

One thing that's (kind of) notable, though, is the voicemail from Johnny and Ricky Bobby from last entry. I haven't talked to either of them since November, so it really came as a surprise to me. A pleasant surprise, actually. I thought they'd forgotten all about me.
I also got a birthday wall post from Ricky Bobby, one that said, "happy birthday, sarah!!!!!!!" with that many exclamation points. It was cool of them to remember, or see the notification on Facebook, at least. (Which I only recently found out, like within the past hour, that RB deleted. Yup. Deleted his Facebook. He goes through these love/hate stages with social networking sites, he deletes his and then makes a new one like three months later. I swear. Don't ask why, I have no idea. But that was my last means of contact with him, besides Johnny, so idk.)

I didn't call Johnny back, so now he probably things that he didn't have the right number in the first place, but oh well.
I can tell what you're thinking, Internet. I'm going to blow this way out of proportion, like last time. (see entries from last april through july-ish) I'm going to over-analyze everything and pick apart every word from that voicemail. Right? Am I right?

Well, I surprisingly haven't. After I got it, not gonna lie, I thought about it a little while, but then I moved on.

I'm doing pretty dang okay, Internet. I'd say I'm doing pretty dang okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Belated Birthday Voicemail (courtesy of Johnny and Ricky Bobby):}
| 9:55 AM | 1Comment

Johnny: SARAH. SARAAAAH. Okay say what you want to say to Sarah.
Ricky Bobby: Saraaaah. Happy birthday.
Johnny: Yo so I never wished you Happy Birthday, but here's my late like re--my like--my re--oh, Ricky Bobby says hi. But I say happy birthday. Ricky Bobby says--Eli says--(huffs impatiently) there's too many people talking. But we all say hi and Happy Birthday.
Ricky Bobby: (mumbling incoherently to Johnny in the background)
Johnny: And um, we gotta--(to Ricky Bobby)make out or hang out?--hang out. Yeah.
Ricky Bobby: (telling Johnny to say something)
Johnny: And--(snickering) She has to buy porn for Ricky Bobby. (Aside from the phone) Dude there's a penis still on my roof. (Into the phone) OH I'm still on the phone. Hahaha. (Aside again) Oh you know I saw Jessica at that dinner thing. Yeah like, yesterday, actually.
Someone in the background: (talking to him)
Johnny: Oh! Hahah (In the phone again) Anyway um, yeah. So, call me back. I hope this is still your number. (laughing in the background) Kay bye! (click)

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Having a Life and Birthdays and Stuff}
Monday, March 28, 2011 | 10:07 AM | 0Comment

INTERNET I MISSED YOU.

I mean, hi.
SO. I have a legitimate excuse for not updating for a million bajillion years. Me, your normally socially awkward and beloved Hopeless Romantic, has been busy.

...No, really! Me! Busy! HAVING A LIFE!

I know!!

Since Valentine's Day, I've been going over to Best Friend Rose's house every single weekend, and one of them I basically just stayed there the entire weekend. We had two--count em'--TWO Harry Potter marathon weekends in a row, and then after that we watched marathons of other things like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries (guilty). Eating junk food and stuff. Yes. Amazing basically.

And then during school weeks I've been basically working my ass off everyday so I can catch up, because I had this ridiculous bought of laziness for like a week a while back and I didn't feel like doing any of my school work. Thanks to my hard work, I'm all caught up, and I brought my grades back up, but I'm definitely never doing that again.

That's one downside of homeschool/online school, there's nobody leaning over your shoulder and forcing you to do your schoolwork and learn. You have to do it yourself. The motivation can run low some days, but in the end you just have to kick yourself in the back and get to work, whether you want to or not.

So anyway, with all of that lately, I've barely had time to relax, let alone get on the computer for leisure. (What's that? This Internet addict staying away from the Internet? Trust me. I could barely even stand to TOUCH Facebook and Twitter.)

BUT. It's finally my spring break, and I'm reveling in it. The moment I finished school Friday evening, I thought I was going to burst into tears from relief.

I finally get to do all that I couldn't for about a month and a half! I can read! I can write and revise for leisure! (Lol.) I can sleep in and watch my favorite Asian dramas! (It sounds weird, I know, but if you ever get curious, Watch Boys Before Flowers on Hulu. So AMAZING. Just. Do it.)

And the best part is, my birthday is tomorrow. I know. Already. Can you believe it? I can't. Internet. I'm going to be eighteen.

It's so weird, because I don't feel that old. Like, I don't feel like a legal adult. Hell, I don't even feel like a teenager, really. I never really have. So suddenly being branded as an 'adult' is going to be so weird.

I'll still be myself, no matter what age I am, it's just going to be weird knowing that I'm a legal adult. Ew. It's weird even typing it.

Being 17 was fun. I enjoyed it, and I grew a lot (figuratively, though. Still only 5'3 and a size 6 shoe, and probably will be forever. That's okay, though. Short is cool. People can pat you on the head and people at restaurants ask if you want a kids menu. Yeah. It's awesome.) I didn't have a boyfriend or even go on a date during my seventeenth year, and I am completely, 100% happy with it.

Here's to eighteen being even better! Say hello to your new 18 Year Old Hopeless Romantic. (Still weird to type.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Jazz.}
Monday, January 10, 2011 | 4:51 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so far, my 2011 has been fine. Kind of busy, but fine.

This was this whole school mishap where my schedule was set up so I had two other finals last week for some reason. I had done some finals before break, like I had said, but I guess I had a few more for after break too. It's kind of hard to explain, sorry.
But long story short, I had a few more finals to do last week, and they were pretty brutal. Especially for having to do them right after break, a time when my brain turns to mush. For my Chemistry final, I was up until 11:30 finishing it, and while I didn't fail it, I didn't pass it with flying colors either. That was pretty upsetting, but I bounced back okay and did great on the rest of them, so I can't complain. Plus, for Chemistry, I had a B+ for the semester, so it's not like I failed the class. It's all good.

So, besides school, I've spent time with both Best Friend Rose and Jazz. Rosie's all better (yay!) and still madly in love with Gene. Have I talked about that here? I don't think I've talked about that on here!
WELL. Long story short AGAIN, Rosie and Gene were super close friends for like a year, then some deep stuff happened, a huge confession came out on Gene's part about two months ago, and now they're together! And they're pretty much the most amazing couple I've ever seen. Not all fake and flashing it around in people's faces, like what seems to be the popular thing to do with relationships in High School. They're best friends.

Every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry, because Rosie deserves it, and she's needed this for a long time now. Out of everyone I've ever met, if anyone were to deserve this, it would be her.
Plus, Gene is just freaking awesome, and we were all friends to begin with, so I'm very happy for them. Very very happy.

And as for Jazz, well. Things with her are...I don't know.
I actually had a sleepover with her the day before New Year's Eve, and things were just like normal and we had a movie marathon, and it was great. Until the next day.

But here's some catch up, Internet. Lately, little things about Jazz are bugging me. Not necessarily her, but things she does.
Example 1: She's one of those people that say things like, "We should hang out more!" or "I never see you anymore!" but they don't actually do anything to fix it. Normally that's okay, but when you're me, and you have only two best friends, and you don't have a license yet, one should usually just assume that you're not very busy. Right?
And Jazz is the exact opposite of that. She's the vice captain of this club, she has this practice every other day, she has to go to this meeting, she's volunteering for this every other weekend, she's hanging out with these people after school, she's going to so-and-so's house for some/multiple reasons, MY GOD. The woman has the busiest schedule I've ever seen. I mean, everyone has sport practices and previous plans, but at this level, it's impossible for me to know when she's free.
So when she says, "You should tell me when you want to hang out!" and then I do, and every time she says she's busy, I'm understandably going to get a bit irked at some point and just stop trying. And sometimes I feel that instead of being one of her best friends, I'm just an option at this point.

Example 2: She can be very condescending. Not in the immediately noticeable way, but in the subtle, back-handed comment kind of way. I don't know if she means to, but she is. For a few examples, sometimes when we have conversations, she'll act like I'm dumb. Sometimes when I talk, like I've said before, sometimes I mix up words, or pause while I'm talking to make sure I'm clearly portraying what I want to say. (That may come from my huge shy phase in Elementary school.) So when I do this while I talk to her, she'll get this exasperated/amused look on her face, like, 'Oh. Poor Sarah doesn't know what she's doing again.' And not just when we're talking either. When we're out in public, and I do something awkward (which, trust me, is inevitable.) she'll give me the same look, and she looks embarrassed to be around me.

And even though I'm nearly two years older than her (i.e., I turn 18 in March, and she's currently 16), she treats me like a child that can't do anything for themselves. This motherly aspect is part of her personality, and I appreciate the thought, but to be honest it's getting old. For example, she acts like just because I'm in online school now, it means that I'm this huge hermit who's withering away and getting gray hair and growing 2 foot long fingernails and doesn't remember what the sun looks like. At first I really appreciated her concern, and it was at a time when I still wasn't completely fine with the idea of online school, and I somewhat agreed with her. But now, about a year and a half later, it's annoying. A lot. I'm perfectly fine with everything now(I get out a TON more normally than I used to, say, this time last year), and I actually appreciate and enjoy being in online school now. And so all those comments like, "You need to get out of the house!" and "When was the last time you left the house? It's not healthy!" kind of make me want to punch her in the face. Just a little bit.

Example 3: I'm apparently guilty by association for still being friends with Johnny. Ever since her and Johnny 'officially' ended their friendship after their awkward break up, she acts like I'm 'one of them' now, like she doesn't even know me, like me and Johnny are like BFFs or something. Which doesn't even make sense because 1) I haven't even spoke to Johnny since the last football game and 2) he didn't even reply to my Merry Christmas text which was PRETTY RUDE, if you ask me. And if you ask me, someone who was your BFF would have answered your text or would have at LEAST been on your forward list.

So I don't know why she's all weird about it. And every time he comes up in conversation, so says something like, "Oh yeah, that's right, he's YOUR FRIEND," and then she changes the subject all quickly and weirdly, even though I was just fine with it.

And so. Even though when she came over, it was fun (although with the occasional back-handed comment, like when we were taking pictures and I asked her jokingly, 'Why is my face so awkward?' and she replied completely straight-faced, 'Your face isn't THAT awkward.' Gee. Thanks.), the next day, on New Year's Eve, there was a HUGE snowstorm where I live. It snowed the entire day, and all the roads were ridiculous, so Jazz said that she'd probably just end up staying for another night because of the roads. I was really happy about it, and I told her a few times how excited I was that I'd get to spent New Years with her, especially since last year I spent it alone, and she seemed pretty excited about it too.

Then, out of nowhere, she just says, "Well, my dad will be here soon." Um. Okay? I waited for a "Sorry, he just wants me to be home," or a "I wish I could stay. Sorry!", but there wasn't one. Not explanation at all.

And that happening after I got all excited about doing New Years with her and telling her how excited I was about it more than once, I felt more than a little disappointed.
But that's not even the worst part.

Some time after she left, I found out that she went right from my house to someone else's house for New Years.

And the girl who's house she went to? She bugs the crap out of Jazz. And yet she would have rather left my house in a blizzard to travel to this chick's house for New Years than to stay with me.
I would have been fine with it if she had told me outright that she had previous plans, but the way she did it, it felt like a slap in the face.

So, yeah. I don't know. Jazz can be a really good friend sometimes, and other times she does stuff like this, and I wonder why I even put up with it. But I guess I'll just see.

Despite all of this, 2011 has been pretty good so far (if you don't count my Chem final madness). Tell me, Internet. How has yours been thus far?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Christmahanakwanzika.}
Friday, December 24, 2010 | 7:19 PM | 0Comment

Internet, handling Porscha is going easier than I thought it would be.

....and I only say that, because she never even showed up here. Hah. We never heard any reason why, she just never showed up and didn't bother to call until yesterday just to tell us that she wasn't coming, and nothing more than that. No offered explanation or excuse.

And on one hand, I'm kind of relieved, because all of the stuff I was worried about in the first place won't have to happen. I have a feeling that she made all of it up in the first place just so she could mooch, and then when she found out that me and Mom weren't exactly welcoming of the idea, she backed out.

But on the other hand, I feel kind of sad too. This would be the first Christmas that Porscha would have the chance to spend the entire day with all of her kids, but I suppose that was too much to handle for her. After all, there were probably some X-Mas parties she had to be at. Anything for free booze, right?

So, yeah, I'm not really sure how I feel about that. But at least we'll have the relaxed, quiet Christmas that we have every year.

Today, I braved stores with Mom, and we went last-minute Christmas shopping for my friends. I smiled and said Merry Christmas to every cashier we encountered on the way, because that's one of my favorite parts of this time of year. You never know whose day you can make with just one smile and a thoughtful few words.
One of them was a lady who worked at the dollar store, and she didn't look happy at all to be working. And so after she bagged our things, I turned to her and said with a smile, "Thank you. Merry Christmas." And she paused for a second, like I kind of surprised her, and then she said very seriously, "Merry Christmas to you too."

I got Best Friend Rose a zebra print stocking, because she'd never had one before (I know, right?? I just HAD to get her one, how do you not have a stocking for Christmas?), and I got her two cool hair care products because I'm a hair care freak now. I also got her her favorite color nail polish, and a top coat.
Then, I got Jazz Christmas-colored gum balls, two lime green bracelets(her favorite color), and two facial products(being one container of a mint mask and one container of an oatmeal & honey mask), and a partridge in a pear tree. Good thing I only have two really close friends, or I'd be flat-out broke right now. Haha.

I delivered them both their presents in person, even though Rose has a super bad case of pneumonia at the moment and I couldn't get too close (I feel awful that she has to be sick for Christmas, but she's gotten some antibiotics, and she's been feeling a little better!)

(Warning: Holiday corniness ahead.)
I also played with my precious little boy of a cousin, who's currently teething, so he'll chew on anything he gets his hands on, even his own hands.
And I watched the Winnie the Pooh Christmas special with Nikki (*see last entry for reference) and played my k-pop Christmas CD to death(actually, it's on repeat as I type this.) and having a fun allergic reaction to Chex Mix with nuts that my mom received from a lady at her work (long story, and I'm fine now but drugged up on Benadryl, and I can hardly keep my eyes uncrossed.) And I may eat my way through cookies into a sugar coma by the end of tomorrow, but hey, 'tis the season, right?

This year was tighter for us financially, but I'm just glad for my family and the things we do have. And I'm not just saying that to say it, like some people do. Things could be awful right now, and I could be having the worst holiday ever, but I'm not. And that's really all I could ask for.

And Internet, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to every single one of you. I wish you safety and blessings, from the bottom of my heart.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Hopeless Romantic Christmas Carol (sort of, but not really).}
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 | 7:42 PM | 0Comment

Internet, tell me. When you're faced with a tough situation during the holidays, what do you do?

I'll delve into that in a second, but first: finals.
I tend to go a bit crazy with studying during semester-end finals. And by crazy, I mean borderline reclusive/studying through meals/even sacrificing sleep if I have to, crazy. And this time was no different.
Buuuut, I nailed all of my tests, so it was worth it. And all of that resulted in me pretty much collapsing the whole weekend in relief and exhaustion.

So, after my weekend of recovering/reestablishing communication with the outside world, me and Mom really got to start all our Christmas stuff (including watching cheesy overplayed made-for-TV Christmas specials and making Christmas candy and cookies and me licking the bowl clean of leftover cookie dough. So unhealthy, so good.) And it's been super awesome and fun so far.

But. Then came tonight.

After decorating said cookies, which we made yesterday, and after watching one of the many TV-movie versions of A Christmas Carol, my dad and my grandma (meaning his mom, and she lives with us) started walking back and forth between the garage and the basement, and they were talking in low voices. They seemed to be concerned about something, and I wondered what it was, but me and mom decided not to ask just yet.

Then, dad finally came in and sat down with his super-worried/dreading our reactions face on. Now I was was dreading what it was. And then he came out and told us: My cousin Porscha was going to be our house guest until after Christmas.

Let me give you some important background information on Porscha, Internet. (Let me warn you, this is long and very complicated. Stay with me here.)

Porscha is pretty much the black sheep of my dad's side of the family. Now let me explain why. Porscha is not related to me by blood. She, and her brother, were adopted by my grandmother when they were six years old, from a foster home.
Porscha gave birth to her first child, my 8 year old cousin Nikki*, when she was 17 years old. My age now. And after Porscha birthed Nikki, she predictably dropped out of High School. Big surprise there, right? But after dropping out, my grandmother (or in this case, her adoptive mother) decided to help her take care of baby Nikki so that Porscha could go back and finish High School so she could make something of her life for her child.

And this was amazing of my grandmother. Completely awesome. Except for Porscha never went back to school, and to date, the longest she's kept a job was 6 months (not because she gets fired. Oh no. She quits because they're 'too hard'. We're talking jobs at department stores, waitress jobs, not rocket science. Not to mention all the training schools for jobs that she quit early, including beautician school and dental assistant school.) And my grandma kept taking care of Nikki, with the occasional visit to her real mom, but my grandma is pretty much her mother.

Porscha was never ever there for Nikki. Never took her to school, never took care of her when she was sick, never held her when she had her night terrors and she woke up crying.
And 8 years and 2 more kids later, it's still the same. All of her kids are from different fathers.

Over the years since she dropped out of High School, she's gotten arrested for stealing at least 5 times, done every drug you can think of, been a stripper--and I'm not sure we've officially confirmed this, but she's also possibly been a prostitute--, been in 3 abusive relationships, including one where the dude broke her jaw and she had to have it wired shut, and she's had to stay at grandma's house (before grandma moved in with us) because she couldn't pay her utilities/had a bad hangover/had to hide from somebody. She's pretty much the poster girl for high school dropouts.
Her other two kids are two and 6 months old, and the first time the 6 month old ever came to our house so grandma could watch him was a week after he was born. One week old and his mother handed him over to grandma. He and the two year old stay at our house for 1-2 weeks at a time, and usually after a week, they're back here again. They're here so often that we keep toddler toys/a baby bed and highchair for when they're here.

And so. This 25 year old woman, this person whom I refuse to even call my cousin, is going to live in our house until after xmas--possibly New Year's. Why? Because she's having her life threatened(she gets in fights a lot), and the police don't want her and 'her kids' staying at her house. She doesn't have friends she can stay with, and she doesn't have money, so she can't stay in a hotel, so she has to stay here.

I had even had a conversation about Porscha earlier today with my dad. It all had to do with the fact that I lost my respect for her a long, long time ago and I absolutely hate what she's doing to 'her kids'. I love my baby cousins with all of my heart, and whenever I think about how they had to be born to such a horrible predicament, to such a distant and irresponsible mother, it makes me want to cry. I hate it.

And so when I heard this news, I reacted a lot stronger than I thought I would. My heart sped up and I was shaking. My first response was, "No. I don't want her here."
All I could think about was how much I hate her, and how this was supposed to be our Christmas and just ours, and she was going to come in and ruin it all.

I'm one of those sentimental folks that has Christmas up on this sort of pedestal. Christmas magic, Christmas miracles, Christmas spirit. I'm also guilty of thinking those pedestal-type thoughts, like, 'Nothing bad can happen! It's Christmas! It'll be perfect! Rudolph always guides Santa's sleigh, Frosty always returns, every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!' And being an only child, I'm so used to quiet, private Christmases.

And all this is what immediately leads me to think this way. Porscha couldn't barge into our xmas. Christmas is for family, and she's not family. Christmas is about happiness, and she would ruin mine. And I continued my bratty temper tantrum and had a fit of frustrated crying, saying, "I don't want her here!" and "Why can't she stay somewhere else?" even though I knew exactly why.

Then ten minutes later, when I calmed down some, I decided to text Rosie and complain more. Best Friend Rose has heard plenty of Porscha rants from me, but even this rant of mine surprised her. In one part of a text, she said, "I don't think you hate her, you just hate everything she's done. Sure she's a disappointment, but she's still family. She just barged in on your family's time, but no one deserves to be alone or at a hotel on Christmas." And it was so true that I sat and read it 6 times through.

I knew that I was being super high maintenance and bratty and selfish. I just couldn't get past the big fat flashing sign that said INTRUDER in my head. I couldn't get past all the crap she's done, and how she's the one person on this Earth that I judge with such scorn (okay, and maybe Phil too).

But maybe this is my own personal Christmas special. Maybe this is my chance at having true Christmas spirit: giving to others. Even if I don't particularly like it. Even if I don't particularly like them, especially if they're family.

This isn't about me. There's more going on in the bigger picture. My cousin is virtually homeless right now, and she has nowhere else to go. In reality, no one deserves that, especially during Christmas time. She needs a home right now, and we're going to share ours.

So, this sure won't be easy. But I'm a big girl, and I need to suck it up and be mature about it.

And just because this xmas won't be like we planned, it doesn't mean it'll suck. Maybe it could turn out even better this year.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Dodged that bullet.}
Sunday, December 12, 2010 | 9:26 PM | 0Comment

Internet!

I have good news. Phil's status WASN'T about me! He quickly made sure to shoot down all the people who commented, saying, "No!! It's NOT Sarah! She's Mexican, actually."
Relief, right?

Buuut, before we celebrate, there was one more thing.
He had another status about a week and a half ago, that said this: "Thinking about her ;)". And I'm 100% positive it's NOT me this time. BUT.
I started stalking the comments, and there's a whole bunch of them underneath, but a few that caught my attention were these, among a conversation about hot this girl he was thinking about was:

Burrito (see October entries for reference, more specifically, 'Noodles and Butter Knives'): Sounds hot
Phil: Ya she is hot like sarah
Burrito: Well how hot do you think she is?

And then no answer. Might've been an inside joke kinda thing, and I'm being overly paranoid, but...yeah. So...maybe this is a win, and maybe it isn't?
Who knows. But at least it ended up being nothing and I can continue on not blogging about him anymore. Let's hope, right?

So, in other non-Phil news, lately I've been thinking about something. And it's something that I notice every holiday season, but I'm just now realizing it again now.

Christmas couples are freaking annoying.

I'm not talking about couples that have been and were already together before the holiday season. No no. I'm talking about those obnoxious people that only start dating someone they think they like because they don't want to be single for Christmas. The ones that flaunt it all over Facebook and take 6839375 kissing pictures of them and their 'lover' (for the moment) and only post their status updates about how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and OH MY GOD MY BOYFRAN GOT ME THIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND OMGGG I LUB HIM SOOOO MUCH. EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY.

Shut up. Just. Shut up. I want to punch them all in the face.

And this isn't just the single/bitter/forever alone/cat lady in me speaking, this is just me in general. It's driving me insane. EVERYDAY on Facebook, I'm seeing a new 'So-and-so is in a relationship' and its getting super old.

I mean, come on. We all know that the majority of these Christmas couples are going to be gone by the second week of January. Or, even worse, they'll force it until Valentine's Day, and then break up two days afterward.

And I know people hate being single during the holidays, trust me, I totally get that (been single every Christmas of my life thus far), but to try and fool yourself (or the person you're 'dating', or everyone else for that matter) into thinking that you're really in that relationship because you want to be with them, and not because you don't want to be single for the Holidays?

Come on. That's bordering on ridiculous. And yet tons of people do it. I'll never understand it.

Anyway. My Thanksgiving was great, no drama or stress, just family and food comas, just like I like it. And I'm super excited about Christmas, just like I am every year.
Absolutely no Ricky Bobby news or ramblings this entry, aren't you proud of me, Internetz? Getting better and better lately, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
This week is finals week, and I'm already looking forward to it being over, but who doesn't? I've already studied myself half to death, and it's not even Monday yet.

Wish me luck, Internet? I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Much Better.}
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 | 10:21 PM | 0Comment

Hey internet.

Since my last update entry, things have been fine. Last weekend, I went with Jazz, Best Friend Rose, and Kassie to see Megamind (so funny, I swear.) and then we went to Panera afterward. For some reason, though, that weekend had been pretty moody for me, which is what resulted in the Letter to Ricky Bobby entry.

Something else that resulted in the last entry was really stupid, now that I think about it, but I guess considering my fragile attempts at getting over RB lately, it just pushed me over the edge.

Let me start at the beginning. One day, maybe about two weeks ago, I logged onto Facebook. I look at my News Feed, reading everyone's status updates, including numerous ones with those stupid annoying sideways smiley faces that look like this (: because apparently, those are cooler than the ones that look like this :).

Then, I happened upon a picture upload from Johnny, and the album name of the picture said, specifically, "just for ricky bobby to sarah".
So, understandably, this catches my attention, right? So I click on it. And it turns out that the picture is a super zoomed-in picture of the snow on the mountains. Curious, considering my last status update before then had been about snow.

But, it was just a coincidence, right? I mean, I didn't see why Ricky Bobby would send me a picture, none the less through Johnny's facebook, instead of his own, and none the less a random picture of snow on the mountains.

But, it totally bothered me that I didn't know what it was really about. It bothered Rosie too, and we spent some time speculating about it. I even put an innocent comment on it, one that just said, "?".
Then, the night of the last entry, I finally found out.

Rose casually asked Johnny about it, and he said something about RB's friend (also named Sarah) from Pennsylvania wanting to see our mountains, and uploading it on Facebook because she didn't have picture mail on her phone.

And that was what pushed me off the edge.
I felt SO stupid. And it really wasn't a big deal, and Rosie told me that it was completely reasonable for me to think that it was about me, considering that I'm the only close friend named Sarah that Johnny has.
But I was humiliated. I went and immediately deleted my comment, hoping that RB hadn't seen it. Considering my past feelings for him, and him knowing it, I'm always paranoid that he still knows. Knows how much energy and tears I wasted on him after he left.

Rationally, I know that there's no way he could know. He's no mind reader. But, like when we went to Noodles & Co. and he kept staring at me across the table, I kept getting this spine-chilling feeling that he knew. Sometimes it felt like he saw through me.

So, this paranoia decided to rear its ugly head then, and I went on to rant to Best Friend Rose about why did it have to be him and when was I going to get over this and yadda yadda. And then I came on here to rant some more, thus the birth of the last entry. And then I went to have a good cry.

And then after all that, I felt perfectly fine. I felt fantastic, actually.
I just had to get all of it out, and after I did, it was like a weight off of my shoulders. I hope I didn't worry any of you with the last entry. Believe me, I'm fine now. But I gotta say, I think that entry broke the record on the highest level of emo-ness.

So now, I'm getting back on the path of where I was before, moving forward with my life. And I'm good with it.

Buuuuuut, I do have new non-Ricky Bobby news. And this time, it's about...drum roll, please...Phil.

Dun dun dun.

I might have to make a new tag for him, because gosh darn, this guy just doesn't go away. You'd think it would have ended with the whole I'll-tell-you-I-love-you-and-then-take-it-back-immediately-after-I-say-it-causing-you-to-hate-me-and-ignore-all-my-text-messages-for-forever-afterward, but apparently, dude can't take a hint.

Mind you, that whole deal went down exactly a year ago tomorrow. Last Thanksgiving. And to think that this is all happening an entire year later.

First, let me say this: the last time I talked to Phil was September. He sent me a private message on Facebook (the place starting to become the source of all my problems), and we proceeded to have a--quite literally--six line conversation, which took over the course of 3 days. It went a little something like this.

Phil: Hey havent talked to you in ever whats up?
Me: Haha yeah I know. Not much, what's up with you? (*because there are only so many ways you can respond to 'what's up', and the majority are not what people are willing to listen to. I loathe that phrase.)
Phil: Just school and crap haha u should text me sometime at (enter cell number here)
Me: Haha alright then. (*which is not a yes, obviously. Yeah, I'm gonna text you because you directly told me to. Way to lay on the moves there, pal.)
Phil: Haha cool I am going to (enter college name here) football game tomorrow!!! I can't wait (*and he told me this because I'm obviously a huge college football fan, right? I mean, I just reek of team spirit. Paint my face with the team colors, put me in a jersey, and watch out, because I'll be the loudest person in the stadium. Obviously.)
Me: Oh, that's cool. Have fun! (*otherwise translated as, 'Dude, I really don't give a crap.')

And that was all. Literally, that was the last time we talked, and what we talked about the last time we talked. The same old Phil-going-on-and-on-about-sports-or-cars-or-his money-and-me-straining-to-keep-myself-from-bashing-my-head-in kind of conversation that we always used to have. He really hasn't changed. At all.

Now for the really fun news about Phil.
Yesterday, I log onto Facebook. Again. And this time, it isn't an update from Johnny I see on my homepage. This time, it's Phil's newest status update that I see. It says, word-for-word, 'I'm in love with someone'.

Not a big deal yet, right?
But then, I read the comments. They all go a little something like this, "Hmm. Let me guess. Sarah?" or "Does it start with an S...then an A...then R..."

Oh, hell.
I know I shouldn't immediately assume it's me, but just...come on. Considering how he stalks my life, and apparently he thinks that if someone says they like you freshman year of High School, they wanna get married and have lots of babies and TRU LUV 4EVAH.

But, God. Let's all hope not. Let's all hope that, by some miracle, it's some other Sarah (because, hey. Sarah may as well be the female version of Ricky Bobby. Sarahs left and right.) I suppose we'll see, shall we?

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps. Happy Thanksgiving!)

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Ginger Ale = my best friend.}
Thursday, November 11, 2010 | 6:34 PM | 0Comment

Hola, Internet.

Since the last time I wrote you, nothing in terms of romance (for lack of a better word) has happened. BUUUT, there was last weekend, which sucked bad.

Why did it suck bad? Well, I'll tell you.

The first part was great. I went with Best Friend Rose and her oldest sister Ashley to the nearest city to their fantastically huge mall. I actually had money to spend (which rarely happens for trips to the mall), and BFR had just gotten compensated for her good grades for 1st quarter (all A's and B's, a first for her!), and she had $250 to spend (maybe over-compensated would've been the better word).

We all went to Forever 21 (my new favorite store, officially), and I got a new knit hat, which lately, I haven't been able to stop buying, knit leggings, a big snuggly sweater with a dog on it, and a cute headband. BFR got 26028453 different things and I don't even remember half of them. Pfft. Rich people and their rewards for good grades. (But really, I just tease her about it to hide my jealousy. So. Many. Cute tops.)

Then, after that is when the evening turned awry. We went down to the food court to get some eatings, and while we were walking to the Panda Express at the end of the food court, there was this guy from another restaurant trying to get people to take free samples of chicken. I love free samples, and I felt kinda bad for the guy, because everyone was walking past him, so I went and took one. I said thank you, and he said, "YOU'RE WELCOME SWEETHEART." (I used caps because he kind of shouted it, even though the food court wasn't that loud, and I was right in front of him. Still not sure why he was shouting...)

I stood in line with BFR while she got her orange chicken, and after she got her food and sat down, I decided I just wanted a smoothie from Orange Julius. So, I went over, and after having an unnecessary discussion with the girl at the counter about whether Fiber and Protein taste the same in smoothies, I got my smoothie, paid, and went to sit down with Rosie.

Soon after that, it was around 9, so we all decided to leave. On the hour long drive home, I started to notice that whenever I drank more of my smoothie, my stomach started to feel weird. I couldn't explain the feeling. It wasn't nauseous, or a stomach ache, just...weird.

Turns out, after Ashley dropped me and Rosie off at Rosie's house, fifteen minutes later, I was puking in Rosie's bathroom. I was going to sleep over at her house, but Best Friend Rose insisted that I go home, and she and her mom were pretty worried about me.

So, my dad came to pick me up, and on the way home, I start having chills. After about ten minutes of being home, I throw up again. We live right by a Walgreens, and my dad went to go get me ginger ale, but by now it was 11, and it was closed, so he had to get a 7-UP from a corner store.

My mom knew just by me telling her what I ate and by my symptoms that I had food poisoning. She gave me Pepto Bismol, but I ended up throwing it up anyway.
That night was hell.
The whole time, I was either puking, sitting up and staring at the TV, or trying to fall asleep on my bedroom floor with a pillow because for some reason, sleeping on my bed felt like trying to sleep on a cold boulder.

I couldn't fall asleep until 6 am, and then when I tried to get up to my parent's room to tell Mom about how I felt like I was dying, I had to run to my bathroom to puke again. I spent that whole day practically a vegetable; in between sleep and sipping on water, and cringing every time a fast food commercial came on.

(Sorry in advance to any guys that might read this part.)
I started to get better on Sunday, but then my monthly time decided to come as well, and I was back to feeling awful again. (My cramps practically debilitate me every month, they're terrible. I've been thinking about getting on a low-dose birth control just to get away from them.)

(Okay guys, you're safe now.)

So after my weekend in hell, I thought it would make school even harder, considering I was still so weak that I couldn't even get out of bed. But, surprisingly, so far this school week I've done better than I have for the past month, so I guess being a vegetable gave me more motivation...?

Anyway, lesson here: I beg you guys. PLEASE be careful about free samples. You never know how long that food's been out, or how it was handled. I'd never gotten food poisoning before, and I wouldn't wish that crap on my worst enemy (even though I don't have any. Maybe. Hopefully.).

I used to love free samples from places, but I think it'll be a long time before I have any again. And I'm never eating in that food court again (although I won't count Orange Julius, because HELLO, it's Orange Julius.)

I'm much better now, and I'm eating normal food again, but damn. Worst weekend ever.

And as far as the getting-over-Ricky-Bobby thing is going, it's good so far. I think it's actually working this time.
Maybe it's because before, there was always the 'what could have been' thought in the back of my mind whenever I tried to get over him before he moved back. 'What if he hadn't moved?' 'What if he comes back and he remembers I like him?' 'Did he ever like me back?'

But now that he's back, and I have spent time with him and saw who he is, and saw how he was nice to me, and how he has changed as a person a little bit, I can see the truth clearer. He never was interested in me, and he still isn't. And that's just how it is.

So now, there's no regrets, no what ifs, no more questions holding me back. And now that I know the absolute truth, it's easier to let go.

It's still a little hard, but I'm doing it. Like I said before, day by day.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Picture by meppol from deviantART.)

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The Ricky Bobby curse.}
Wednesday, November 3, 2010 | 9:15 AM | 0Comment


Hey Internet.

Well, as it turns out, there was one last football game the day after I wrote my last entry. Jazz told me, and we went together. I spent the usual fantastic amount of time I take to get ready for football games, and I even bothered to use the flat iron on my hair (gasp!), which I hadn't last done since August (I'm a hair care freak now. Buuut, it's paying off, my hair reaches the end of my bra straps in the back now! The longest it's ever been!).

I even left the house late again, though not as late as a few football games ago. But, in the end, it was kind of pointless, because Ricky Bobby and Johnny weren't even there.

The whole time, I hung out with Jazz and Colbie, and this nice girl named Kassie, who was nice enough to lend me her mittens, because I was an idiot and didn't wear a coat or gloves, even though it was -39148275 degrees outside. We had fun, and we talked and walked around and found this cute little park with swings and a merry-go-round behind the football field.

One time during the game, though, I texted Johnny just to make sure he wasn't there/coming there. He called me and told me that he was on the freeway, and he could swing by and and come and say hi. Sweet, right?

I didn't know if Ricky Bobby was there with him or not, but I didn't ask. But when I went out to the parking lot to see Johnny, I found out that no, Ricky Bobby was not there. However, Johnny did have another friend with him. Let's call him Lenny. He seemed pretty nice, and he shook my hand twice, one after introducing himself and one when him and Johnny had to leave. Nice kid.

They were leaving to go back to Johnny's house, and I told them not to party too hard, and then they left.
Not going to lie, I totally hoped Johnny would mention something about Ricky Bobby not being there, since RB and Johnny are together all the time. But hey, I wasn't going to ask. Don't need people thinking things. I'm still trying to move on.

I'm starting to realize that I have a major problem with Ricky Bobbys. Not just THE Ricky Bobby, but Ricky Bobbys in general.

Remember a few entries ago when I said that Ricky Bobby's real name was one of the most common boys names, ever? Well. I've had a few Ricky Bobby issues in my life thus far.
Preschool, there was a Ricky Bobby in my class, and he always chased me around the playground trying to kiss me. I didn't like boys much then, so it creeped me out. Foolish four year old Sarah.
Pre-K, there was another boy named Ricky Bobby in my class, and he had hair like John Smith in Pocahontas, and I had a big crush on him. (Now, he's a total creeper. He's the creeper loner kid with Star Wars action figures you see sitting in a corner by himself in the lunch room, mumbling to himself in various foreign accents.)

5th grade through 7th grade, I had this MONUMENTAL crush on another Ricky Bobby. He was tall and lanky and blonde, and he always smelled good. In sixth grade, we emailed back and forth everyday and talked on MSN, but only as friends. He had no idea I liked him, but I was happy with just being his friend. In the 7th grade, he even invited me to his birthday party with tons of boys and just two other girls, one being Jessica Simpson, who he liked.

The same school year, that Valentine's Day, he asked me to be his Valentine and gave me a teddy bear, but only because Jessica Simpson was dating someone at the time, and I was pretty much a last resort (romantic, right?). Also, unbeknown to me when he asked, he had already asked Best Friend Rose to be his Valentine, causing me and her to get into this huge fight over him, and we didn't talk for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. (The dumbest thing to fight over, but it was our biggest fight ever. Since then, we've sworn that a guy will never get between us again.)

Then came 8th grade and THE Ricky Bobby. Then, after THE Ricky Bobby moved away, and I got depressed and went kind of insane and gave myself an extreme makeover and lost weight and got extensions and bangs(at least I didn't pull a Britney Spears, right?), I met this other Ricky Bobby through Rosie's sister Lauren. He was partially blind, but sarcastic and charismatic, and he asked for my number. He then proceeded to text me 20 times a day, and ask me out over text at least 3 times. (I can't believe I never talked about this on here.)

I'd never had a guy come on to me that strong before(...or at all...), so it kind of freaked me out a little. I stopped answering his texts, but I felt really guilty, because of the whole partially blind thing. But at the same time, I didn't want to take pity on him just because of his disability. If we weren't compatible, we weren't compatible, blind or not. (Still feel guilty, though.)

So. The conclusion I've come to is this: The next Ricky Bobby I meet, I'm running for the hills.

I think I'm cursed to have problems with every Ricky Bobby that has come my way. I think I'm destined to have problems with every Ricky Bobby, for ALL OF ETERNITY.
No, really, though. I need to break the cycle.

Meanwhile, even though I didn't start liking THE Ricky Bobby again (though maybe a little bit, because if I didn't like him at least a smidge, I wouldn't be this bummed about it), I'm finding it a bit difficult to move on. Understandable I guess, because 2 years of liking someone isn't that easy to get rid of.
Plus, he was the last guy I really liked, and since I haven't seen/found anyone else yet with the potential for another crush.
But I'm doing my best, and I've made some progress. One day at a time.

I think I'll talk about my friends and studies for a while, just to keep my mind off of things. I'll try my best this time, Internet. I promise.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Well. So much for that.}
Friday, October 29, 2010 | 8:36 PM | 0Comment

Good day, Internet.

Virtually no news. No football game, for the third time in 3 weeks. I asked both Jazz and Best Friend Rose (who's in Arizona right now for the weekend) if there will be anymore home games, and they said they didn't think so. So, I've run out of football games.

I don't know what I'll do now.
I'm still trying to think of ways to see Ricky Bobby, and I'm coming up with nothing. Starting to realize that yes, he does go to a new school, with new girls probably all over him, girls that he sees everyday, and he most likely will have forgotten all about me by now. What can I say? I'm just a homeschooled girl. It isn't illogical to say that homeschooled kids are usually forgotten by those who have a school life. Right?

I'm on the verge of giving up. I haven't seen him for weeks, and the longer I'm away from him, the more I can think clearly. He's just a 16 year old guy. And at first glance, he's really nothing special. Yes, he's attractive, but I have no idea how or why he's kept me so hung up the past two years.
Plus, he's a teenage boy. He thinks with his man parts. That's just how it is.

So. I guess I'll just take it easy for the next few weeks, until something happens, which I doubt. What happened happened, and I guess it's over now. No big deal. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

Meanwhile, I'll be over here, in my study, pulling my hair out during midterms. Wish me luck.

xo Hopeless Romantic

PS: Happy Halloween!

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Missed opportunity.}
Friday, October 8, 2010 | 9:43 PM | 0Comment

So, here's a quickie, Internet.

Yesterday, I asked Best Friend Rose, "Hey, there's no football game tomorrow, right?" over text message, to which she replied, "No, I don't think so!"

Then. THEN. Today, around 6:30 PM, I got this text message from Best Friend Rose, "Omg there's a football game tonight! I JUST found out!"

FAIL, BEST FRIEND ROSE. SO FAIL. And of COURSE I can't go, because it takes me 395728 hours to get ready, and the games start at 7 anyway.

So, by then I was a little biffed, especially knowing that Ricky Bobby would be there, because he has been every game lately. But THEN I get a call from Johnny, who's at the game already.

He greets me and then asks, "Are you coming to the game?" And I tell him no, because Rosie Darling never told me that there was one, until it was too late, that is. And so he says, "Oh, yeah, I guess she didn't know about it. She just texted me and asked me about it like an hour ago." And I hear Ricky Bobby in the background, and I don't know why, but that alone is enough to get my pulse up.

And then I say, "Figures." Because she totally does stuff like this all THE TIME. Some of us don't like spontaneity, Rosie! Some of us like planning and scheduling, and actually knowing when something is!

"So you aren't coming, then?" Johnny asks to confirm, and I say no, I can't. He continues, "That's too bad. Ricky Bobby wanted to go have coffee with you."

ANEURYSM TIME. I don't answer, since I'm apparently having a miniature panic attack, and I can't breathe for a few moments.

I hear Ricky Bobby say something irritably in the background, and then Johnny scrambles to say, "And, uh, you know, I did too. We need more dude time."

I disregard the fact that he pretty much just called me a dude and only say, "Aw." Because DUH, my girl intuition alarm is going off, and that was obviously a cover up and Johnny wasn't really planning on coming.

And I hear RB's voice again, and Johnny says, "Ricky Bobby says he really wanted to see you."

I say again, "Aw," like I meant it, but I tried to sound like it didn't mean too much to me, in case he was listening.

I hear Johnny tell RB what I said, and then RB says something, and Johnny says to me, "He says he's sad now."

I say, "Aww. That makes me sad," and sad really isn't the word for it. More like slowly dying inside, maybe. Johnny tells RB, and then Johnny says, "He says you'd better be."

And then a few moments pass when he's distracted, and then when he comes back, he says he's sorry I can't come, and I agree, and then tell him/them to have fun without me. He says he'll try, and the call ends.

And then I scream/wail into a pillow. He wanted to see me. He wanted to have coffee with me. COFFEE. WITH ME. ALONE, PROBABLY. THAT'S PRETTY MUCH CONSIDERED A COFFEE DATE, IN MY BOOK.

And I couldn't GO on said kind of coffee date because BEST FRIEND ROSE DIDN'T FREAKING TEXT ME EARLY ENOUGH.

I know it's not really her fault, since she didn't know, but I'm still pissy because I could've already been on my maybe first date and have an amazing night (or average night) to tell you about. Instead, I took a 2 hour shower and shaved and exfoliated everything, just for the sake of feeling prettier instead of woeful and extremely single.

So, if you'll excuse me Internet, I'm going to go die in a corner now. Or watch k-dramas and stuff my face. Whichever comes first.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Noodles and butter knives.}
Saturday, October 2, 2010 | 9:24 PM | 0Comment

I have another interesting night to share with you, Internet. (WARNING: ANOTHER NOVELLA-LENGTH ENTRY AHEAD.)

I had the feeling tonight that when I started getting ready for my old school's Homecoming football game (don't ask why they would have the football game an entire week after the dance, I have no idea.) that I would see Ricky Bobby again. I don't know how, but maybe I've developed some sort of Ricky Bobby radar.

And sure enough, when I was riding in the car with my dad on the way to the game, I got an all uppercase text message from Best Friend Rose: "HEADS UP RICKY BOBBY'S HERE". To which I replied, "OH GOD". An antsy, nervous feeling roiled in my stomach from that moment up until I got out of the car and started making my way to the football field.

Now, I don't know if I've mentioned on here before that being in online school has done a serious number on my vision, but it has. Catching up all of first semester sophomore year and being in front of the computer 8+ hours a day wrecked my vision. It went from 20/15 to 20/60, and my eye doctor said that I developed partial astigmatism, too. It's funny, I thought that maybe when adults said that being on the computer for more than a few hours was unhealthy, I thought they were spewing bull. Well guess what, kids? THEY'RE RIGHT. DON'T DO IT.
So anyway, since my vision's so awful now, I have to wear glasses. I plan on getting contacts at some point, because I don't wear my glasses when I should, which isn't good, but it's a bad habit of mine. I mostly just wear them at home. So, when I don't wear them out in public, especially at night, you can imagine how badly I can't see then.

So, when I walk to the hill and the stands by the football field, looking for my friends, I heard a far off, "Sarah!" And so I stand there, looking around me, probably looking pretty stupid, and I keep hearing, "Sarah! No, not over there. No, no. Over here! This way! Sarah, over here!" And finally I spot Johnny sitting with Ricky Bobby and their other friend, whom I'll call Burrito because 1) I cannot for the life of me think of more generic fake names and 2) for kicks. They're laughing, and Johnny stands up and comes over to give me a hug, saying, "I was right in front of you the whole time!" And I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see you! I can hardly see anything!"

Best Friend Rose is standing nearby with Gene and her friend from another school, and lets call her Camille. I walk over and give her a hug and I compliment Gene's hair, which he flat ironed tonight ( he has curly hair). I then greet Camille, whom I've met a few times before. She's pretty nice, in general, but the first thing I notice is her Jersey Shore 'tan'. Actually, I could've seen it from 20 feet away. I don't say anything about it.

Then I hear Johnny call my name from behind me, and I turn. He asks, "Are you coming to Noodles & Co.?"

I repeat, "Noodles & Co.?"
And BFR says, "Yeah, we're all going! You should come!" And then she leans in and whispers, "And, I have something to tell you later."
I whisper back, "Okay."

And Ricky Bobby smiles all huge at me and says, "Yeah, you should come with us!"

And it's hard not to blurt immediately, "OKAY." So instead I smile back and turn to Rosie and Gene and Camille and ask, "And you guys are going?"

"Yeah, we're taking two cars." Gene says.

So Johnny and Ricky Bobby and Burrito all look like they're heading toward the sidewalk that leads to the parking lot, and Rosie and Gene and Camille stay where they are, so I don't know if we're leaving now or what, so I ask, "So are we leaving now?"

And Rosie shrugs and shakes her head and says, "I don't know," like she really has no interest in going.

And so I look at Johnny and ask, "Are you leaving?"

And he says, "Yeah!" And turns around and walks in the direction of his dad, who happens to be there watching the game by the railing. Burrito follows him, and RB starts to, but then turns around and looks at me.

"Are you coming?" He asks.
I shrug and say, "I don't know."
He grins at me. "Come onnn. Just come."

And I can't help but grin back, and I gesture to Rosie and the gang behind me. "But I don't know if they're coming now."

And then he looks at Rosie and says, "Are you still coming?"
She shrugs. "I don't know. I don't think so. Go on without us."

And Ricky Bobby makes this pouty lip puppy dog face that I've never seen any other guy look as adorable making as he did. And I couldn't help it, I let out this little high-pitched 'aww' and then I turn to Rosie and say, "How can you say no to that?"

And Rosie shrugs again and says, "Sorry."

So then Ricky Bobby says, "Fine," and looks at me and goes, "Sarah?"

And I don't want to go if Rosie isn't going, because she's my security blanket of sorts, so I say helplessly, "Well..."

And he says, "Come on, Sarah. Pleeeeease?" And it's like his cuteness at that moment overwhelms me and I chicken out.

"Well, I don't want to come if no one else is coming." AND IT COMES OUT SO SNOOTY AND LIKE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE NEAR HIM THAT I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK IMMEDIATELY.

And the look he gives me is so immensely let down and disappointed that I wonder just how much he wanted me to come. He smile fades and he mutters, "Whatever," and walks away, and I swear something in me dies.

And I turn back to Rosie and look at her with an open-mouthed sad face like this: D:, and I say, "Wow. I feel like a jerk. A big, fat jerk."

Rosie shrugs, but she looks sympathetic. Then, at that moment, Jazz walks up and says, "Hey! Aren't you going with them?" Since apparently she knew about Noodles & Co. too.

"I don't know, no one else here is going." And I give Gene and Rosie a wry look.

Jazz looks at them and shrugs at me and says, "You should go."

I pause, considering, and then say regretfully, "I think they already left."

Rosie shakes her head. "No, they're over there standing by Johnny's dad."

I turn and look behind me, and believe it or not, they're still standing there, huddled in a group, and they keep looking over our way. "Oh," I say, but I make no move to go over there.

So me and Jazz chat for a little while longer and then, out of nowhere, RB and Company come back over near us, Johnny chasing a kid on crutches for some reason, and RB and Burrito laughing. And then, also out of nowhere, Johnny walks up to Rosie and grabs her and says, "You're coming, Rose."
And so then I grab Rose's other arm and say, "No, no. No kidnapping here." And then Johnny starts tugging her down the sidewalk, with me after her, trying to tug her back but Johnny's way stronger, so it wasn't happening.
And Rosie keeps trying to yank her arm back, saying, "I'm not going!" But Johnny keeps tugging, and then finally he stops walking and says, "Just come with us, Rose!"
Then after a little more of this, Johnny gives up on Rose and starts tugging on me, and after a little protest from me, disappointed Ricky Bobby's face pops back into my mind, and I sigh and say, "Okay, fine. I'll go." And in my mind I wonder what I just got myself into.

Before we leave, Rosie grabs me and tells me to remember to text her all throughout it, and I say I will. Then, I leave with the guys.
Mind you, this is the first time I've ever in my life been alone with three other guys. Being alone with one is one thing, but three? I've never really been friends with that many guys at the same time, so it's just never happened.

So anyway, initially, we planned take take Johnny's car there, but it was in a shopping center just across the street, and there was an underpass, so we just decided to walk there.

As we walked, the guys made sure I was still walking with them, and they included me, which surprised me a little, since I just assumed they were going with me because I was the only person that would come, especially with Burrito being there. (I went to school with Burrito basically my whole school life, I still remember the day I met him in Preschool, and he got a rock stuck up his nose. We've always pretty much gotten along, he's a nice guy.) But they were all really nice about it, and it help calm my nerves a little. I didn't let them see that I was nervous, but I so was. A few times while we were leaving the school football field, I kept looking back, weighing my options. Thinking that it wasn't too late to go back. Because this was so out of my comfort zone, it wasn't even funny. But eventually, I became comfortable being with them.

One thing that I'll give guys credit for is that they're way easier to become friends with than girls. There's no drama, and if they like you, then they'll be friends with you. They don't wonder if they should 'be seen with' you, or crap like that (unless we're talking about douche bags here, because then I can't stand to even be around them).

While we walked there, I couldn't help but notice how if I was walking behind the group (I'm a slow walker, my legs are too short.), Ricky Bobby would look back to see where I was, drop back from Burrito and Johnny, and then walk next to me. He'd drop his voice and talk to me. And there would be some times that my thoughts would rage, "WE'RE WALKING TOGETHER. ALONE." But I'd push them away and just enjoy his company.

We talked about how I should have been wearing my glasses, and how he doesn't even wear sunglasses, because he says he feels stupid with them on, and how he would wear those fake black-rimmed glasses, but he would feel like a nerd. We talked about how good Keva Juice sounded, and how we wanted some instead of noodles.

In the end, when we made it to the shopping center, they wanted Noodles & Co. again, and they stood outside the restaurant looking at the menu for a good five minutes deciding what they wanted. We went inside, and Johnny ordered while Burrito got a soda. I wasn't going to get anything, because I wasn't hungry, and RB got a soda too. Johnny paid, I lent him a dollar because he didn't have enough, and Burrito and Johnny walked off.

I guess Ricky Bobby decided to order something after all, and since Johnny and Burrito had walked off and sat down somewhere, I waited by the register with him. He ordered, kinda paid, and then I lent him a dollar because he didn't have enough. And then, in an almost awkward moment, I guess the guy at the cash register thought we were a couple, because he asked, "Can I get you guys anything else?" and gave us this suggestive kind of smirk. Only, I guess Ricky Bobby didn't notice, because he didn't correct him, and he looked at me as if to ask if I wanted to order, and I just shook my head.

So, after that, Ricky Bobby said he wanted to sit in a booth, and while I followed him, I decided to sit across from him instead of by him, just because by him would've been obvious, and I already felt kind of clingy. Johnny sat next to me, and Burrito sat next to RB, and Burrito make a joke about it being like a double date, which I laughed at, but for some reason, RB and Johnny didn't seem to think it was funny. We started talking again, and of course, being around guys, the conversation was bound to turn perverted at some point.

Johnny and RB started talking about 2 girls 1 cup, and then this girl they knew that had a 'weird dildo' (God, I hope this doesn't attract the wrong kind of traffic from Google searches.), and me and Burrito just looked at each other and shook our heads.

"Why am I still here?" I said lightly, in an embarrassed tone.

When they started talking about it even more, in detail, Burrito says, "How do you guys even know this much about dildos?"

And I laugh hard and say, "I know, right? Why aren't I recording this? This is Youtube gold!"

And Burrito cracks up, and Ricky Bobby looks at me, all alarmed, and says, "Are you?!"

I'm still laughing as I say, "No, but so I should be."

So then, their food comes, and as RB and Johnny are eating and they try each other's food, RB makes a comment about there being beef in Johnny's, and how he'll eat around it, so I ask, "Are you a vegetarian, Ricky Bobby?" And he says he is, but he still eats fish and seafood and stuff, and I mention how Rosie used to be an aquatarian, too, but she gave up a month or two ago. Burrito makes a sarcastic comment about how vegetarianism isn't like cigarettes, you can't just 'quit'. I laughed.

So then we continue to talk, and during this whole time, Ricky Bobby keeps looking at me from across the table, and I don't know why, so I generally try to avoid his gaze.
The guys talk about saran-wrapping someone's car, and how funny it would be if they saranwrapped a guy they know's car, because he was at homecoming and it would be hilarious for him to come out of homecoming with his date and find his car saranwrapped. And then Ricky Bobby said he wanted to egg his ex Sissy's car, and then he said they almost saran wrapped her car last week and he felt like a creeper because he still remembered where she lived.

Then, a bunch of kids from the football game walked into the restaurant, I'm talking like thirteen people here, and I say, "Well, lookie here. It's like a party train." And the guys look over and see them walk in, and Johnny says, "Ew, Tom's* here." (*name changed, obviously. Tom's this kid that goes to my old school, and I knew from the moment I met him in the first grade, that I didn't like him. That kid has always been the snootiest, meanest guy I've ever met.)

So then, we all talk about how much we all hate Tom, and me and Burrito reminisce about elementary school when Burrito hung out with Tom, and Burrito said Tom was always mean to him. I told them about the time Tom punched me in the stomach in the third grade, and I told on him and he got in so much trouble. RB said he was the biggest douche-bag he's ever met. I made a comment about him probably being born that way, and they laughed.

So since they're finished eating and the party train decided to show, we decide to leave. As soon as we're out of the restaurant, Johnny cackles and says, "Look what I stole!" and he pulls a butter knife from Noodles & Co. from under his shirt. Me and Burrito and Ricky Bobby freak out and bust up laughing, because none of us even saw him take it. Johnny puts up his hood, takes his butter knife and holds it in a pretend-gangster way, and he says, "Watch this." and goes into Keva Juice.

For a few seconds, the rest of us just stand outside, watching him and wondering what the hell he was doing, and then we followed, and we found out that actually, he just was ordering something. Why he told us to watch, I have no clue. So Johnny orders one of those grass shot things that they have, and I have to lend him a dollar again, and I accuse them all of mooching, and I asked them how they sleep at night.

Johnny and me sit on bar stools at the little bar thing they have, and I pretend I'm at a bar and I pretend to order whiskey. The girl behind the counter looks at me weird and I tell her I'm kidding.

So Johnny gets his grass shot, RB tries a sip and says he likes it and it tastes like grass water. Johnny drinks the rest and makes a hilarious face, and I asked him how it feels to be a cow, but nobody got it. (Or it just wasn't funny. Joke failed.)

Then we start to leave, and I wait behind for Ricky Bob as he gets a straw from their straw jar. Johnny and Burrito are walking way ahead, and as me and RB fall into step, he says, "I like to chew on straws," by way of explanation.

This surprises me, and I say, "I love chewing on straws," because it's true. It's one of my oldest habits.

"Really?" He sounds surprised.

"Yeah," I say. "Whenever I have a drink, I chew the straw to death, and no one ever wants to share a drink with me."

He laughs and says, "Me too."

And then we talk about the guitar and how I used to take lessons, and then quit because my teacher sucked. And then he says I should've just gotten a better teacher, and that I shouldn't have just quit, and he recommends his guitar teacher to me.

We talk a little more, and I'm suddenly very aware of how dark it is, and how cold it is, and how if Johnny and Burrito were just a bit further away, we'd almost be completely alone. The air between us is almost expectant, and now that the whole initial shock of, 'he's here again, he's moved back' has worn off, the fact that I used to have this huge crush on him, and possibly even more than that, feels like a tangible thing between us. And for a fleeting moment, I wonder about what he would do if I tried to hold his hand. But I don't.

Johnny and Burrito stop and wait for us to catch up, and Johnny makes a comment about us walking slow. So as we start to walk back, RB says he doesn't think Rosie likes them, and I tell them, no, she likes them, and that she just didn't want to leave her friend, Camille, all by herself. Then I make a comment about how tangerine Camille is, and they crack up.

Then Johnny and RB put up their hoods and pretend to be muggers/night joggers, and then Johnny takes out his butter knife and he and RB run off and pretend to mug the kids near us from school. Me and Burrito just hang back and watch, shaking our heads, and after we cross the street, Burrito says his ride was there and he had to go. We hadn't quite made it back to the muggers/night joggers, so he asks if I'll be okay if he left, and I told him that I would, and I'd just catch up with the dumb asses. So then he shouts goodbye to them, and says goodbye to me, and he left.

So I walk back to Ricky Bobby and Johnny, and we continue walking back, and as they start to talk to another group from school near us, I'm kind of forgotten (it happens every once in a while, I can get quiet in front of big groups like that), so I just tag along.

Then the other group leaves, and I'm left walking behind Johnny and RB for a few seconds, feeling like someone's kid sister who got lost. (Side note: I don't realize how much shorter I am than everybody until I'm right next to them, and the top of my head only goes up to their shoulders. When did everyone get so tall?!) Finally, Johnny stops in his tracks and goes, "Wait. Where's Sarah?" And then he turns around and sees me and says, "Aw, sorry Sarah. We left you!"

And I look at him in fake accusation. "Yeah. You did." And I fold my arms.

And they walk on either side of me and apologize, and Ricky Bobby says something and puts his arm around my shoulders, only I totally don't even remember what he said. I don't even think I heard him, all I could think about was his arm around my shoulders.
(One bad habit of mine is that whenever I'm near a guy I'm attracted to, or talking to them, sometimes I won't even listen to what they're saying, because I just zone out and think about how they're talking to me, and how their voice sounds. I really need to stop that, it'll save me the number of created awkward moments.)

So I just smile at whatever he says, hoping it makes sense, and hoping he doesn't feel me stiffen as soon as he touches me.

Thankfully, Colbie walks up and says hi and hugs me, and then she hugs Johnny and they talk, and then as Johnny goes off to find someone, me and Ricky Bob walk together. Someone else comes up to me and gives me a hug, says they were happy to see me and leaves, and then I'm aware of how alone we really are, and I wonder how we seem to other people.

He asks if I want to go sit on the grass, and I say sure, so we go to the hillside and sit down on the dying grass, and as I sit and he sits after me, he crosses his legs, and his legs is totally on top of mine, but he doesn't move it. He doesn't really even seem to notice, but even if he does, I wonder if he realizes what little things like that do to me.

So we talk a little, and he stares at my shoes and mentions how he likes my socks (I decided to layer long socks under short ones, with legwarmers over that, over my skinny jeans. They were like legsweaters. My legs have never been so warm IN MY LIFE.) and how he doesn't wear socks, and I mention how I usually don't either, but I decided to on impulse.

But between the talking, that expectant feeling between us is still there, and it feels like he wants me to say something, but I don't know what.

Then Johnny comes over and sits next to RB, and two other people come over and say hi to me, and we talk a little too, and one of them asks me where Jazz is. I tell them I haven't seen her since earlier, and so they venture off to find her. Johnny goes to stand next to his dad again, and me and RB follow him.

We stand near Johnny and his dad, and I shyly say hello to Johnny's dad, since I haven't really formally met him before, and it was a little awkward but hey, what can you do? RB and I stand together, and we watch Johnny go after his little sister and drag her down the hill, and Ricky Bobby says, "Aw, look. He's such a good brother."

And I said, "I know. Sibling quality time, right there." And he laughed.

Then, Rosie showed up, and we all chatted. And before I knew it, the game was over. I scrambled to get my phone out, because I forgot to text my dad to tell him when the game was over, so he could come get me. I briefly say out loud that I had to get a ride home from my dad, because I can't drive. Ricky Bobby tells me he can't drive yet either.

So then, we go to sit down on the grass again, briefly, and Gene finds us and sits in Rosie's lap (it's complicated, but more about them in another entry!). After that, Johnny says we should all go down to the football field, and RB doesn't want to, but everyone starts walking that way anyway.

Ricky Bobby says, "Fine. Screw you guys." all grumpily, and I found it so cute.

I wait back to walk with him, and I say, "Aw. Be happy."

And then he smirks and scrunches his nose up and says, "Screw you guys," again, but in a growly voice. I chuckle. And everyone else is ahead of us again, but we take our sweet time. I get the urge to hold his hand again.

Then Ricky Bob stops and says, "I don't really want to stand up there all awkwardly," referring to the large crowd of people crowded in one area. "I don't really know a lot of people of people here anymore."

I nodded in understanding, and I say, "I get what you mean."

And he says, "There wasn't a lot of people I was really close with when I went here, except for Johnny. You know?"

And I say, "Yeah, totally. And since I left, I feel like half the people that say they miss me don't really mean it. Like, they don't actually care." Which is way more simplified than how I really feel, but I've figured out that if your sentence is longer than 30 words, guys get bored and stop listening.

But he nods in sympathy and says, "Yeah."

Then, as if on cue, another girl comes up to me and gives me a huge hug and compliments my outfit, and I compliment hers, and then she leaves. Though, I didn't mind it with her, because she's a sweet girl and she's like that with everybody. In fact, after she leaves, I say, "She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met."

And RB looks after her and says, "I don't even remember her name."

Then I smirk and reply, "Kelsey*." And he nods, but I can tell he couldn't care less.

And Johnny pops up and then leaves again (that boy should not be given sugar or caffeine in any form.), and RB says that he wants a piggy back ride. I say that I'd give him one (actually, most likely not), but I probably couldn't lift him. He said he only weighs 120-something pounds, and I told him he still weighs more than I do. He asked how much I weigh, and since I'm not weird about that, I told him, "112, or 113 or something."

He seemed surprised. "That's really light," he said. "You're tiny."

"I know," I sighed, because I get that a lot, always have and always will, and I'll be stuck shopping in the Juniors department and Petite stores for the rest of my life.

Then Johnny returns and says that he and RB have to leave, so I give Johnny a hug and then Ricky Bobby gives me one of his terribly awkward side hug back-pat things, though I'll hand it to him, it was better than the one he gave me when I first showed up to the game. And then I guess I'd forgotten that I'd already given Johnny a hug, because I hugged him again. Ricky Bobby watches us the whole time.

Then Ricky Bobby says he wants a piggy back ride, and Johnny gives him one and runs around, and since we already said our goodbyes, I wander off and try to find Gene and Rosie. I can't find them, so then I go and wander to find Jazz. At one point, I think I walked past Johnny and RB again, and I think I heard them talking about me, but I just kept walking.

Interesting night, all in all.

There's a lot I don't know what to make of, like why he wanted me to come to Noodles & Co. so badly, why the air between us was so thick with...something, why he wouldn't move his leg when it was on top of mine when he wouldn't even give me a proper hug, and why there'd be times when he'd look at me from across the table at Noodles, and the look he gave felt so intimate, it unsettled me.

There's still so much I'm not sure of.
Do I have a crush on him again? It's hard to say. I still need more time with him to decide. I know I'm definitely still attracted to him, and he's so easy to talk to, but I haven't liked someone in so long, I hardly remember what it should feel like.

And since we're just getting to know each other again, it's too hard to know right now. I mean, all of the stuff that happened at the game...we were never that close before. Ever. We talked sometimes, and we were on friendly terms, but it was never at this level.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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