♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Jazz.}
Monday, January 10, 2011 | 4:51 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so far, my 2011 has been fine. Kind of busy, but fine.

This was this whole school mishap where my schedule was set up so I had two other finals last week for some reason. I had done some finals before break, like I had said, but I guess I had a few more for after break too. It's kind of hard to explain, sorry.
But long story short, I had a few more finals to do last week, and they were pretty brutal. Especially for having to do them right after break, a time when my brain turns to mush. For my Chemistry final, I was up until 11:30 finishing it, and while I didn't fail it, I didn't pass it with flying colors either. That was pretty upsetting, but I bounced back okay and did great on the rest of them, so I can't complain. Plus, for Chemistry, I had a B+ for the semester, so it's not like I failed the class. It's all good.

So, besides school, I've spent time with both Best Friend Rose and Jazz. Rosie's all better (yay!) and still madly in love with Gene. Have I talked about that here? I don't think I've talked about that on here!
WELL. Long story short AGAIN, Rosie and Gene were super close friends for like a year, then some deep stuff happened, a huge confession came out on Gene's part about two months ago, and now they're together! And they're pretty much the most amazing couple I've ever seen. Not all fake and flashing it around in people's faces, like what seems to be the popular thing to do with relationships in High School. They're best friends.

Every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry, because Rosie deserves it, and she's needed this for a long time now. Out of everyone I've ever met, if anyone were to deserve this, it would be her.
Plus, Gene is just freaking awesome, and we were all friends to begin with, so I'm very happy for them. Very very happy.

And as for Jazz, well. Things with her are...I don't know.
I actually had a sleepover with her the day before New Year's Eve, and things were just like normal and we had a movie marathon, and it was great. Until the next day.

But here's some catch up, Internet. Lately, little things about Jazz are bugging me. Not necessarily her, but things she does.
Example 1: She's one of those people that say things like, "We should hang out more!" or "I never see you anymore!" but they don't actually do anything to fix it. Normally that's okay, but when you're me, and you have only two best friends, and you don't have a license yet, one should usually just assume that you're not very busy. Right?
And Jazz is the exact opposite of that. She's the vice captain of this club, she has this practice every other day, she has to go to this meeting, she's volunteering for this every other weekend, she's hanging out with these people after school, she's going to so-and-so's house for some/multiple reasons, MY GOD. The woman has the busiest schedule I've ever seen. I mean, everyone has sport practices and previous plans, but at this level, it's impossible for me to know when she's free.
So when she says, "You should tell me when you want to hang out!" and then I do, and every time she says she's busy, I'm understandably going to get a bit irked at some point and just stop trying. And sometimes I feel that instead of being one of her best friends, I'm just an option at this point.

Example 2: She can be very condescending. Not in the immediately noticeable way, but in the subtle, back-handed comment kind of way. I don't know if she means to, but she is. For a few examples, sometimes when we have conversations, she'll act like I'm dumb. Sometimes when I talk, like I've said before, sometimes I mix up words, or pause while I'm talking to make sure I'm clearly portraying what I want to say. (That may come from my huge shy phase in Elementary school.) So when I do this while I talk to her, she'll get this exasperated/amused look on her face, like, 'Oh. Poor Sarah doesn't know what she's doing again.' And not just when we're talking either. When we're out in public, and I do something awkward (which, trust me, is inevitable.) she'll give me the same look, and she looks embarrassed to be around me.

And even though I'm nearly two years older than her (i.e., I turn 18 in March, and she's currently 16), she treats me like a child that can't do anything for themselves. This motherly aspect is part of her personality, and I appreciate the thought, but to be honest it's getting old. For example, she acts like just because I'm in online school now, it means that I'm this huge hermit who's withering away and getting gray hair and growing 2 foot long fingernails and doesn't remember what the sun looks like. At first I really appreciated her concern, and it was at a time when I still wasn't completely fine with the idea of online school, and I somewhat agreed with her. But now, about a year and a half later, it's annoying. A lot. I'm perfectly fine with everything now(I get out a TON more normally than I used to, say, this time last year), and I actually appreciate and enjoy being in online school now. And so all those comments like, "You need to get out of the house!" and "When was the last time you left the house? It's not healthy!" kind of make me want to punch her in the face. Just a little bit.

Example 3: I'm apparently guilty by association for still being friends with Johnny. Ever since her and Johnny 'officially' ended their friendship after their awkward break up, she acts like I'm 'one of them' now, like she doesn't even know me, like me and Johnny are like BFFs or something. Which doesn't even make sense because 1) I haven't even spoke to Johnny since the last football game and 2) he didn't even reply to my Merry Christmas text which was PRETTY RUDE, if you ask me. And if you ask me, someone who was your BFF would have answered your text or would have at LEAST been on your forward list.

So I don't know why she's all weird about it. And every time he comes up in conversation, so says something like, "Oh yeah, that's right, he's YOUR FRIEND," and then she changes the subject all quickly and weirdly, even though I was just fine with it.

And so. Even though when she came over, it was fun (although with the occasional back-handed comment, like when we were taking pictures and I asked her jokingly, 'Why is my face so awkward?' and she replied completely straight-faced, 'Your face isn't THAT awkward.' Gee. Thanks.), the next day, on New Year's Eve, there was a HUGE snowstorm where I live. It snowed the entire day, and all the roads were ridiculous, so Jazz said that she'd probably just end up staying for another night because of the roads. I was really happy about it, and I told her a few times how excited I was that I'd get to spent New Years with her, especially since last year I spent it alone, and she seemed pretty excited about it too.

Then, out of nowhere, she just says, "Well, my dad will be here soon." Um. Okay? I waited for a "Sorry, he just wants me to be home," or a "I wish I could stay. Sorry!", but there wasn't one. Not explanation at all.

And that happening after I got all excited about doing New Years with her and telling her how excited I was about it more than once, I felt more than a little disappointed.
But that's not even the worst part.

Some time after she left, I found out that she went right from my house to someone else's house for New Years.

And the girl who's house she went to? She bugs the crap out of Jazz. And yet she would have rather left my house in a blizzard to travel to this chick's house for New Years than to stay with me.
I would have been fine with it if she had told me outright that she had previous plans, but the way she did it, it felt like a slap in the face.

So, yeah. I don't know. Jazz can be a really good friend sometimes, and other times she does stuff like this, and I wonder why I even put up with it. But I guess I'll just see.

Despite all of this, 2011 has been pretty good so far (if you don't count my Chem final madness). Tell me, Internet. How has yours been thus far?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Adios, 2010.}
Friday, December 31, 2010 | 10:53 PM | 0Comment

Well, Internet. 2010 was an interesting year.

Thinking back, there was was a lot of Ricky Bobby (before and after he moved back), fun times, not-so-fun times, and a lot of fangirling (being both a Tokio Hotel fan and a member of various k-pop group fandoms is hard work, I'm telling you.)

I also think of growth when I think of 2010. I changed a lot, for the better. There were some tough spots, but altogether, 2010 was so worth it. It's hard to believe it's just over.

So, I'm going to do what I didn't do last year. I'm actually going to write my resolutions for 2011, right here right now. I don't know why, Internet, but I swear I have this overwhelming feeling about 2011. I feel like it's going to be big, and in a really good way. I'm not going to have a rut of a life anymore, I swear it, and I'm so ready for it.
Are you ready for this? Stay with me here, Internet. Some of these aren't your normal everyday resolutions, but trust me when I say that I wouldn't put them here if I wasn't at least going to try.

  1. Get out of the house every week. (Me and my parents made a pact, that they would try to at least get me out once a week. Last year this time, I hardly ever left the house, and I couldn't help but get a little claustrophobic. I'll make sure that won't happen.)
  2. Stop being awkward. Like, now. (I was plenty awkward with people before the whole online-school thing, but now, it's like it magnified. It's not too bad, but sometimes I get this weird-sounding nervous laugh, or I'll mix up words, or I'll say something out loud, and I think, 'What the hell did I just say?' I'm really not as witty as I sound over type, Internatz. Believe it.)
  3. Better hygiene. (Not that I'm terrible at hygiene now, but I'm talking about all the extra stuff, like flossing twice a day and keeping my nails neat and all that jazz. And more hygiene=more attractive! Yay!)
  4. Finish my current book. (What?! Out of nowhere?! Silly internet. I've written plenty of stories before this one, but this one just feels...different. I have a really good feeling about it. Pretty vague, I know, but stay with me.)
  5. Join a critique group. (One on one of those writing forums or writing websites, and it's for after I finish my story, of course. Because...)
  6. Get a literary agent. (WHOA, WHOA. Okay. I know this is insane, and foolish and naive and etcetera, etcetera. I know!! BUT. I've given this a lot of thought and research. I haven't exactly gone into how important writing is to me on here, but trust me when I say it's pretty much my life. It's the only thing I can really look at and say, 'Wow, I'm actually good at that.' It's the only thing that I feel like will always be a part of me. And I know what you're thinking. 'Why now? Why not wait until you're out of college, until you really know what you want? You're just a kid!' And I can't deny that that makes much more sense. But there's a reason I'm in online school right now, instead of normal school. And there's a reason why I haven't had a boyfriend yet. My life couldn't be more open to this opportunity than it is now. During college, it would be even harder to pursue, due to classes and what have you. And after college, who knows what else could stand in-between me and my dream? What if I meet someone by then, and get married and start a family? When would I have the time then? Maybe this is fate's way of telling me to go for it, now. Why not? I know it won't be easy. It sure as all won't. I'll get discouraged and want to quit and I'll cry and get rejected 492483 times. But I don't care. I owe it to myself to try. And at least that way, I won't have any regrets of not trying at all.)
  7. Do my best in school. (I know, it's random that I'd put this one after such a strange resolution as the last one. But I want this one every year, so why not this year too?)
  8. And the last, most simple one: Protect my heart. (Now that the whole Ricky Bobby thing has finally and officially kicked the bucket, knowing myself, I'll be looking around again, since it's in my nature for some reason. But since I'm taking this new direction in my life, I might be really busy with all the other stuff going on. And I won't have time for a boyfriend, and I suspect that at that point, I probably won't even want one! But if another guy happens to catch my eye this year, I'm going to be cautious. I won't make myself too vulnerable, I won't get my hopes up. And if the guys worth it, he'll be able/willing to break through all that.)
So here's a toast to 2011, Internet. Here's to (good) change, more improvements, and (hopefully) achievements.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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