♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
Leave me a message here, or email me here. ♥






Back to Progress.}
Saturday, August 31, 2013 | 5:42 PM | 2Comment

Hey, Internet.

So, first things first, I want to apologize if I worried you guys with that last entry. I was feeling emotionally charged while I wrote it (hence the numerous typos and errors) and I wrote it on impulse on my phone. Plus, needless to say, I was upset, and I needed to rant. I really appreciate all of your encouraging words, and your concern. Thank you. I'm so sorry if I worried you guys!

SIGH. So. I think I should offer a little more explanation after the fact other than just "ugh i'm such a loser mY LIFE IS OVER JHSFDJHFSD". So here goes.

Basically, this is what happened: Less than a week before we were set to leave, somebody in the IRS or someplace like that (I'm still iffy on the details of taxes and all that stuff) found a huge, unpaid sum from years back that my dad forgot to pay, and decided "HEY, now would be the perfect time to take money from this guy!" so they took $600~ from my dad's paycheck.
Mind you, we are not well off financially at all, and my dad had worked double his hours just so we could get the money to go on our trip from that paycheck.

That $600~ was our hotel money, along with most of our gas money to get us there. All gone. And the time that we were set to leave for the trip, would be right before my dad was to get his next paycheck, which would not be on time, and even if it was on time, it would not be nearly enough.

So, yeah. No money,  no trip. And that was that.

The day that I wrote my last entry, Monday, was the day my dad had told me. I had spent two hours before that picking out clothes for the trip. 8 tops, 7 bottoms, including shorts and skirts. My bathing suit for the beach. A cardigan, just in case. I hadn't decided on my shoes yet, but as it turns out, that was for the best anyway. And, lazy ass that I am, I hadn't even started packing yet. Which was also good in the end I guess.

Yeah. I was...well, devastated. I told all my friends that night too, and they were just as upset as I was. They offered me encouraging words as well, which didn't help but I still appreciated them none the less. And then I logged off and lapsed into a sad, teary, catatonic coma for three days.

Granted, the next morning I started my period lol, so then at least I had an excuse to lie in bed and cry and be miserable for a few days. When I wasn't crying, sleeping or zoning out, I watched movies. That's all I really remember, which is kind of unsettling, but that's how I usually spend my periods anyway, minus the complete misery. I didn't even touch the Internet, which is also unsettling.

But eventually, by Thursday, I was feeling slightly better physically and emotionally, so I got up and tried to function as a normal human being again. I got back on Twitter as usual, reassuring my friends that I was okay, because they were worried when I didn't come online for 3 days straight (a true rarity for me).

The days of the convention and the concert, I spent it like I had spent them last year, on the Internet, waiting for live updates from my friends that were there. I think I actually handled it pretty well, to be honest. I think the mourning period was necessary for me, and in the end I still wanted to be happy for my friends that got to go. So other than the occasional, moderate pangs of jealousy that hit me every once in a while, which I kept to myself, I did okay.

I think the hardest part for me was knowing that above all, my favorite band, that at some point I thought I was going to get to see, was finally in the same country as me, something that rarely ever happens for foreign groups like this.
And they were still thousands of miles away from me, and there was nothing I could possibly do to see them. Before, when they're in Korea or China and I can't see them, it really sucks but it's not like there's anything I can do about it anyway. But when they're here? In America? And going to see them is more reasonable? And when I was doing to see them, had the ticket to go see them, and it was taken from me? Yeah. That's pure and utter shit.

Especially when it was my favorite. My Michael. Michael isn't his name, but I'm going to call him My Michael because when I described him I called him my Michael Jackson, and he loves and idolizes Michael Jackson, so I'm going to call him that. My Michael was here. He was here, and I swore that I would do anything to see him. Bought a ticket, for a concert in California, to try and get the chance to see him. And then it blew up in my face.

You know, I kept thinking, in the time leading up to the trip, that I wouldn't even need to talk to him. I just wanted to see him, once. Once in my lifetime. To see him once, in the flesh, would be enough for me. I would never need to talk to him or touch him or anything. If I could just see this person that I love so much, it would be enough. I would never even need to see him again. I would have been content with just that.

Also, I never touched on this before, but much much earlier this year, in January, I bought him a birthday present. I swear to God, I did. I'm a member of one of his Korean fansites, and this fansite was organizing a birthday event where people could send gifts and letters to the leader of this fansite and she would deliver them to his company's building all together on his birthday in one giant supergift. Korean fans are srs bsns, man. They're like a corporation, I'm telling you.

So yeah. I bought him a gift. Nothing extravagant or fancy or expensive, just something small I could afford. I found two cool handmade graphic t-shirts on Etsy for less than $20, with two cool designs that I thought he would like, and in his favorite colors. Then, I hand wrote a short but sweet fan letter, in Korean (which took me forEVER to translate correctly with the help of my friend who's semi-fluent, then took another millennium to practice writing the characters at least 20 times each just so I could get them right) and put it in the package too, and then sent it with love to Korea.

My fan gift, along with my labor-of-love letter, never made it to Korea. I don't know what happened to it. I tracked the package, and it showed it leaving America via Los Angeles, and then after that, ziltch. Nada. You can't track foreign packages going to Korea once it leaves your country, apparently. So it never arrived. Maybe it fell off of the airplane and fell into the ocean, where a shark ate it. WHO KNOWS.

But yeah. At this point I'm just like, WELL, JESUS. Maybe I'm never meant to ever make any form of contact with this man. Just, ever. The universe, fate, stars, what have you, clearly want to keep this from happening. Fan gift? NOPE. UNACCEPTABLE. Concert ticket? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Sigh. So, that's another reason I was so upset. But hey. At least now I know never to try to send a package to Korea again.

There are a few things I'm relieved to have avoided last weekend, however.

Apparently the convention was a disaster. This year was the second year of this convention running, ever, so yeah, they still had some kinks to work out. Last year I remember hearing it was DREADFUL, and unfortunately, I haven't heard much different this year. For instance, people that paid for the most expensive tickets, the tickets with meet and greet passes, artist autograph session passes, etc etc etc, essentially didn't get any of that. They got special access to getting a pass to sit in the audience during a Q&A session, and a red carpet thingy, and that's it. They canceled the meet and greet, and they canceled the signing thing and instead gave the audience already-signed slips of paper. So they paid hundreds of dollars for a ticket where they basically didn't get what they paid for. Ahem.

At least I didn't fork out the money for one of those tickets, but I feel bad for those who did. Aside from getting first row at the concert, they were ripped off. Most people who I've talked to who went said the convention was terribad. Hearing stuff like this, it made me almost...relieved. And I think all of this is what helped ease my earlier upset and jealousy. From what I heard, I didn't miss much. Which is a relief.

The only thing I'm still pretty jealous of was the concert. I heard that was the best part, and that it was amazing. And from the fan videos I've seen from it, I'd have to agree. BUT, if I had gone to the concert, I would have missed something else great going on that night-- THE NSYNC REUNION PERFORMANCE. Yes, it was like 2 seconds. I DON'T CARE. It made my whole night. NSYNC is basically the reason I'm still in love with boybands, at age 20. I still listen to their Celebrity album on a weekly basis. It is that serious.

SO. If I had missed that reunion, I would have been pretty upset. Even if it was for my favorite band now. And that completely made me forget I had been missing the concert, for at least an hour. How NSYNC can still manage to make me so happy, even ten years later, is beyond me. I felt like I was 10 again.

Sorry, getting off topic again. ANYWAY.

In retrospect, I guess I dodged a few bullets. And maybe it was better that I never went. Also on the brighter side, I sold my ticket to someone else that had the means to go, so I hope they had a good time (at the concert, anyway.) And with the money I got back from my ticket, I bought something that I've been wanting for a while. So there you go. With every door that closes, another opens, silver lining, and so on and so forth.

Even though I lost this opportunity, and also the opportunity to start community college this fall, I'm looking towards other opportunities. I'm starting my job search again, and I'm looking at a local scrapbooking store that might be a nice place to work. I'm submitting my application next week, so we'll see.

Also, my parents have felt so guilty about the trip falling through, that they sat me down and promised me--promised--that the next available kpop concert I want to go to, they'll definitely let me go, and that they're going to help me start saving up immediately.

That's another reason for the job search--money. Because this last minute money issue thing isn't happening again, not if I can help it, and I certainly can. And if this scrapbook store doesn't hire me, I'll search elsewhere.

From big steps to new steps. That's what everyone has to do at some point, right? I can't give up. I won't give up. I can do this.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: , , , , , ,


Game over.}
Monday, August 19, 2013 | 11:10 PM | 3Comment

You know, Internet. It's funny.

When it comes to my own life, how do I always forget that I'm not a winner? I don't win things.
 You see some people with impossibly lucky streaks, people who have never had to work hard a day in their life. People who gets life handed to them, people have never knownwhat it's like to not get something they want.

And then there's people like me. People that constantly lose, over and over and over again. People who get as close as possible to what they want, who get so close to winning, and it slips through their fingers at the last possible moment. They trip and tumble before even reaching the finish line. That's me. And the thing is, I don't understand why. And for some reason, I get my hopes up everytime. I somehow forget I'm one of the losers. That I'm a loser, and maybe that's all I'm meant to be.

No community college.

The trip isn't happening.

That's it. That's all. Back to my miserable life. Game over.

Big steps.}
Sunday, August 18, 2013 | 7:38 PM | 0Comment

Hey, Internet. So. This trip. Ready to hear more details?

First of all, it's this week. It's snuck up on me so quickly, I remember when it was still a month and a half away, and now it's this week. I can't believe it.

We're driving there, so we leave here on Wednesday morning, I believe. Then, we drive for two days until we reach Cali. We'll make it there (hopefully, if traffic allows) by noon Friday. Then we have the whole rest of that day to chill at our hotel and sleep and shower and stuff.

Then the next day, Saturday, starts the reason we go there: the convention. I won't name the convention by name 1: for anonymity's sake, 2: I don't want to advertise for them and 3: it's the only convention of its kind and really if you're curious you could easy Google it. But yes, it's a kpop and Korean culture 2-day convention, and this is where I'm meeting (some of) my long distance friends at.

And at the end of the second day of this convention is a kpop concert, my very very first kpop concert, and likely to be my very last because 1: it's very difficult to travel for these events, as they only happen in LA and NYC mostly, 2: it's very unlikely there will ever be one in my state as I'm right smack dab in the middle of the Midwest and the West Coast and my state doesn't even have a Koreatown or Chinatown or anything to the effect of that, and these things tend to only happen in areas with a high Asian population. Which is understandable. And 3: considering the expense this is costing us, and considering the last time I ever went on vacation was when I was 7 years old, unless things get a little better financially for us, there's just no way this will ever happen again.

Sorry, here come more lists. The biggest reasons I wanted to go in the first place:

  1. My friends. Obviously. I'm totally excited and scared shitless to meet them. Part of me is scared that it will be a disaster, just like my date/hangout/whateverthehellthatcrapwas with Drew turned out to be. Part of me is scared that they'll think I was way cooler online than I am in real life. Part of me is scared that it'll just feel like I'm hanging out with strangers all day. In a way, it will be like I will be. But I'm not. Because I've talked to some of these girls for years, and we have a lot in common. So for all the things that I may not know about them, I will know the things we have in common and that we've known each other for a while. And that we're already friends. Shouldn't that be enough? I'm hoping it is. And I hope they like who they meet in person. ALSO, I warned them that I'll probably cry when I see them. Because that's totally likely, tbh. 
  2. My favorite group. Also won't name them by name, just because I know you guys reading this most likely don't even listen to kpop anyway LMAO. So I won't bother! However: this group made their debut in April of 2012, and I have been following them closely and supporting them every step of the way. This in particular is very special to me, because I have never felt so emotionally attached and close to a band before. Especially with a kpop group. I admit, Tokio Hotel came really close, and I have felt attached to other kpop groups before. But to follow a group and to be a fan of a group from the very first day? That's never happened for me before. And I've been a fan before. But never a fan like this. You when people talk about bands they love, saying this band changed their life? Yeah. This is this band for me. And because this band is a kpop group, I never ever ever thought I would ever get the chance to see them in person, to see them in the flesh. And then, bam. They were the first artist announced for the lineup of this concert/convention. And at this point in time, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My dad recently started bringing home more money because he got a promotion, and my parents were already planning a trip to Georgia this summer when I brought up the convention. And my dad, who loves California, and who was unable to travel out of state in the past, just recently became able to travel just last month. See what I mean? Perfect timing.
  3. My favorite...band member. From my favorite group. (WARNING: The weirdness levels here are off the chart. Believe me, this is something I rarely ever talk about, along with my long distance friends, because I realize how out there it is. However, since I've always been honest on here, I'm commited to that honesty. So if fan behavior freaks you out, be warned.) Basically...my Gerard Way. My John Lennon or Paul McCartney. My Michael Jackson. My Curt Kobain. Whomever you want to compare him to. The person who inspires me to be a better person every single day. The person I admire, worry about, and fall for all over again on a daily basis. The person that quite literally makes me believe that I am capable of loving someone, in whatever form that love may be. I don't know his whole personality of course, because obviously I don't know him personally, and I know he's not perfect, but that doesn't matter to me. What I feel about him is complicated, because I don't entirely know what it is myself. I could call him my celebrity crush, but that feels so lacking and shallow, to be quite honest. It's more than just that. When I'm sad, or I feel empty and lonely, I think about him, and watch interviews with him and watch videos of him performing, and it instantly makes me happy again and I forget why I was sad in the first place. When I feel unmotivated and lazy, I think about how hard he works every single day and how he never just gives up even when he's sick or injured and always gives his best, and it makes me want to give my best too. I've never met him, and I probably never will, and I will never ever know him the way all of his loved ones do, but that's okay. I've accepted that. But it still won't change the way he makes me feel. Just the fact that someone like him exists in this entire world is enough for me. Just seeing him smile is enough. And...I'm going to see him. In real life. This person, who means almost the whole world to me, who I had accepted long ago that I would never get to see in the flesh because he's famous and lives in Korea. But he's coming here. And I'm going to see him. I won't meet him, because the tier of the ticket I bought doesn't come with meet and greet passes for the artists (90 dollar ticket, btw. Most stressful experience ever buying that thing on Ticketmaster.), but that's okay too. Because I'll see him with my own eyes, and that alone means the entire world to me. This whole trip could suck, and it wouldn't matter, because I will have seen him. Something I never thought I would get to do.
WHEW. That feels good to finally get that off of my chest. You don't know how long I've wanted to talk about #3 up there. A year, basically. I've felt like this for a year. And again, I apologize for the weirdness. I know it's weird, I fully and freely admit it is. And it's foolish. But it is what it is. 


Plus, here's the thing: I'm 20 years old. I know I'm not old--hell no I'm not, and nowhere near it--but I'm not a teenager anymore. Which means my time for behavior/hobbies/interests like this is very limited now. It's still acceptable now; I'm college age, I'm not in the working world yet and not out on my own yet. I'm still really young--but only for so long.

So I figure that if I want to pick any time to do this, it's now. I can't do shit like this anymore when I turn 27 lmfao, so I should just go all out and get it all out of my system now so I won't have the urge to when I'm old and it's inappropriate.

ALSO, AN UPSIDE: my friends are all in their twenties too, so I won't feel like this:

I'm actually the youngest out of all of them, so that's a comforting thought. Lmfao.

SO. Yes. I'm super super excited for this convention/concert. For all I know, I might not get the chance to go to something like this ever ever again, so this is a privilege that I will never ever forget.

Monday is basically our chilling day. We're just going to hang out all day. Our plans are to go shopping and then go to the beach, but we'll see how that holds up. I haven't been to the beach an even longer time, since I was 3, so that would be a surreal experience for me as well.

Then, on Tuesday morning, we leave, and we'll make it home Thursday around noon.

Here's the biggest thing of all, though: This is a very big deal to me. If I haven't made it clear, I have not been on a vacation with my family in a long time. The last time I went on one, again, I was 7 years old, and it was just with my mom--my dad couldn't come because he was working at home. And the past 2 years, I've barely left my house. I've gone on plenty of errands, yeah. I've gone to the movies, yeah. But compared to people who have school and jobs and leave every morning and come home every night? Yeah. I've barely left. So...this is a big step for me.

I've become somewhat (not professionally diagnosed, btw) agoraphobic, not purposely, I've just...gotten used to being in my house. All the time. And unfortunately, having no car and no license, and considering the area I live in, there's been no way to really change this habit of mine. I tried getting a job, but we all saw how that turned out. And I applied for community college again for this fall, got accepted, decided a major, and I've even gotten all the way to looking at classes to sign up for, but unfortunately, because of money and the timing of this trip, it doesn't look like it will be possible this time either.

So this trip....it means a lot to me. It's a big step for me. Leaving my house, and driving completely out of state, and meeting these girls that I've never even met in person before....it's a really really big step. Life changing, even. To me this is more than just a vacation. It's a turning point, one that I've needed for a while. It's a push in the right direction, a push to happiness.

So I'm terrified. I'm excited, but absolutely terrified.

Keep me in your thoughts, Internet. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me. This is something really scary for me and I'll need all the strength and courage I can get.

Meanwhile, I've been preparing best I can. I've been exercising even more, taking even better of my skin, eating even better and healthier than usual. I redyed my hair (did I mention I dyed my hair fire engine red at the beginning of June? No? Well, there ya go.) and got it done, and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed either tomorrow or Tuesday. SO, even if I won't be totally and completely emotionally prepared for the trip, at least I'll look good, lol.

If I don't get a chance to update before I leave for the trip, then expect a full on, novella length, Hopeless Romantic-rant style entry after I get back. I intend on writing about everything. EVERYTHING. Get ready.

Wish me luck, Internet. I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: , , , , , ,


The concept of true friends.}
Tuesday, August 6, 2013 | 9:16 PM | 2Comment

Hey Internet!

So I've been wanting to write this entry ever since I wrote my last one, but to be totally honest, I wasn't completely sure how to go about it. Especially considering the nature of the last entry, to be frank I needed to mull things over in my mind after I wrote it. Writing all of that out was kind of like...finalizing things for me. Like writing it out helped me straighten out all of my thoughts about it and helped clear my mind. You know?

So anyway, after writing about that, it made a few other things even clearer to me. Going through this thing with Rose has really made me consider this thought: What are 'true friends'?

First off, let me start here: Twitter.

I've had my twitter account since...shoot. How long? Since...January 2009. Yep. Jan 2009. And it's weird because when I first made my account, I rarely ever tweeted. Ever. And then maybe after 4 months of having it, I just picked it up. And I've been addicted ever since.

For about a year, I used it like every other normal, everyday person uses Twitter. Tweet about TV, tweet about food, tweet about movies, etc etc. And then, some time after that first year, I found fandom. Refer here.

Tokio Hotel was really my first fandom on Twitter. Then, I'd started talking to other fans around my age, and also other other people my age in general. Especially considering I'd first started online school around then, being able to talk to other people my age during my boring workweeks was something that was really great for me. Even when I was unable to meet my friends from my old school and hang out with them, my friends on Twitter were always there. All I had to do was log in to talk to someone when I was lonely. I think I'll always appreciate that.

Then, at some point, I started taking it even more seriously. Refer here.And here. Okay, maybe that was even a bit too seriously. But, hey. I was a sixteen year old. He was a hot guy on the Internet. Can ya blame me, really? (But seriously, looking back on it, I only ever talked to him on Twitter. So really, for all I know, he could have been Catfishing me. Ah, to be young and naive.)

So, yes. I have a long standing history with Twitter. (If you can call 4 years long.)

But what's interesting is: the past 2 years, it's become and even bigger part of my life. During my junior and senior years especially, after finding out about k-pop around April 2010, I spent even more of my time on Twitter. Junior year of HS was intense, and my relationships with the kids that I'd gone to my old school with and begun to get even more distant.

As more and more people from my old school moved on, I began to move on too, and I started to turn more to the Internet for my social interaction.

I mean...when you think about it, it makes sense. There I was, a kid in online school with not a lot of friends--therefore I turned to the Internet for friends, just like I had school on the Internet. Not so ridiculous, right? It honestly makes sense.

And the more I took it seriously, the more I took measures to make sure the people I was talking to really were real people (not that it was a term back then, but basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't being Catfished.) So I started adding these people on Facebook. And exchanging phone numbers. And by then, if I was totally positive that I could trust them, asking for addresses and sending cards and letters and getting them back.

So by then, they weren't just 'Twitter friends'. They were just...my friends. Long distance friends, maybe. Pen pals. But friends none the less.

And so going back to my previous entry for a second: After Rose had treated me that way on my birthday, it really put things into perspective for me. My other friends, my long distance friends that I talk to every single day, had made sure to tell me Happy Birthday. A few of them sent me cards in the mail. A few of them texted me right at midnight. A few of them posted on my Facebook wall. Some of them did all three. They did all of this without even having met me face to face, and without me even having to ask. They did it because they're my friends, and they knew it would make me happy.

Rose, who lives here, did none of that. Yes, she did go see a movie with me, but the day quickly turned into a date that I tagged along on. And she never texted me happy birthday, never called me, never posted a birthday message on my Wall, never even once TOLD me--TO MY FACE--Happy Birthday. Not once. And besides that day as an example, she talks to me maybe once a month--maybe twice if I'm lucky. This was the person I called my best friend.

This is why I was so upset by what Rose did. I think that maybe, after being treated that way by her for so long, I'd just gotten used to it over the years. But after seeing what kind of friends I could--and do--have, I realized that I deserve better.

I've never understood why people think that having online friends is weird. People have online (romantic) relationships all the time. (Even though I've definitely decided to avoid this for good now bc of reasons (coughcoughcoughDREWcoughcoughcough)) Also imo, online dating has lost most of its stigma that it had in the past and it's not even a weird thing now. So why is it so weird to some people that people make friends online too?

For introverted people like me, and especially people who were born in the modern age, it'd only make sense that a lot of our social interactions would be using technology. And meeting people this way is easier for me, because since I don't get out a lot (as sad as that is to admit, but I'm fully aware of it and accept it at this point lol) it's a good way for me to find people I can relate to. ESPECIALLY since where I live, my interests aren't very common interests, and it's hard to find people that I have stuff in common with.

But these girls...they've been there for me. Even though they're not physically there, they're there to talk when I need someone to talk to. When I'm upset, or just need to vent, they're there for me and I'm there for them too. When I need to laugh, they always make me laugh.

I've been hesitant to really talk about it here because I know how it sounds from the outside--it sounds weird. I know it does. And tons of people really honestly don't get the concept of people meeting friends and more online. But hey--look at all the questions I got about online high school. People thought that was weird too, and they didn't get it either, but it's okay.

We're friends. Even if we've never met before, it doesn't mean we're not real friends.

And I feel sorry for people that believe you can't make friends on the Internet, because even though there are some real assholes on the Internet, there are some wonderful, wonderful people--that live thousands of miles away--that I never would have known if it weren't for the Internet.

BUT. HERE'S THE THING. HERE'S THE BEST PART.

I get to meet some of them. At the end of this month. In California. Face to face.

Some of them I've only known for about a year or two...some of them I've talked to for years. YEARS. And I'm finally meeting them. Just a few weeks from now.

I'll go into detail about it in another entry because this is already getting long, and I don't want to leave anything out. But yes. It's happening.

Expect me to be blogging about this trip for a while, because it's a lot to wrap my mind around, and I need to collect my thoughts about it. But...yeah. Me. Hopeless Romantic. Sarah. Going out of state. Something I haven't done in 13 years.

And I'm going to finally--finally--hang out with friends.

Counting down the days.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: , , , ,