♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Single Awareness Day.}
Monday, February 15, 2010 | 9:32 AM | 0Comment


Ahh. Valentine's Day. My mortal enemy.


Curse you St. Valentine.


I have so much to tell, Internet. Where to start? To make things make more sense, I think I'll start with a few days before Valentines Day, aka, a few days ago.

The day after I wrote the last entry, I was talking to Jack. He had taken a Twitter break the day before, and I was way too excited when he logged on again. Way. Too. Excited. Heart pounding, giggling, the works. I swear, I almost had to slap myself in the face to calm myself.

I had included him in my Follow Friday, and I knew he would thank me for it, since he always does. He also included me in a special Valentine's day tweet, reading:

"( my username here) (Jordan's username here) ( His chick best friend's username here) They have me suicidal! lol FOLLOW THEM. ♥ "

I was both surprised and shocked to see my username first, considering he flirts with Jordan like mad, and him and his best friend are really close. But, I thought, most likely just a coincidence. I had to stop reading into things. So, I reply:
"Don't be suicidal, silly head. And thanks for the FF! :D"

And he says:
"lol Well you're just too gorgeous, you know? Making me go crazy this Valentine's Day :D lol"

And then I proceed to have some sort of seizure. Yes, he put 'lol' twice and he said it in a joking manner, but to me at this moment, these two sentences somehow translate into something like "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME RIGHT NOW."

After my freak out, I reply, "Hahaha awww thats the sweetest thing I've heard all week. ♥ ♥ Thank you, darlin!"

Yes, I said darlin'. Slap me right now.
Then he said, "Haha, i was just listening to Beautiful Girls and I was like, I'm gonna make my FF special for certain people. :) For V-Day!"

I couldn't concentrate. He thought I was gorgeous?
I agonized over what to say for my next reply, "Aw, thats a sweet idea! I should've done that. Or I would have done one for my Valentine, but I don't have one. D:" 'Cause, you know, saying that doesn't sound desperate or obvious at all.

I assumed he would just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' But instead, he said, "lol I don't got one either... [scoots over to you] [nudges you] How YOU doin'? ;)"

I giggled like a crazy person and then said, "Hahaha. Well, if you don't have a valentine...and I don't have a valentine...hmm. Funny how that works out. ;D"
Was that flirty? I don't know. I thought it was, but while typing it out again just now, it just sounds lame.

And then, being cute as he is, he said, "Well then uh... [clears throat] Sarah, will you do me the great honor of being my first Twitter Valentine? :D"

Unable to possibly contain my excitement, I say, "Hahah I'd be honored! ♥ "

Something comes up, and he has to leave quickly, so he says, "AHH g2g! (my username here) I'll be on later! Sorry, lol. Well continue this later...:D" I quickly say bye, and then I sit there, reading all of our tweets again. I couldn't allow myself to get so overly excited. It was a stupid, meaningless, internet thing. It meant nothing to him, so it was nothing to me....Or not.

I couldn't help myself. I was floating on a cloud the rest of the night.

The next day, he logged on bright and early, and I slept in. I wanted to kick myself in the face for missing him, but when I saw that he announced on his twitter to everyone that I was his Twitter Valentine, I was happy again.

We didn't talk that much that day, because I ended up writing the entire day (remember the manuscript of the novel I wanted to write? My inspiration came back!). And when we did...well. Trust me when I say it's not worth talking about here. Haha. Just boring, casual conversation.
Also, Best Friend Rose slept over, and we talked about this whole thing. She agrees with me when I say I'm going insane , as she should.

Then, the next morning, I log onto Twitter with this tweet from him. "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY MY SWEETS :D"

This one message made my day so much brighter. I'm not going to lie, I melted. Deceivingly so, but I'll get to that in a second. I replied, "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Sorry I missed you, darlin!"

To which he replied, "It's all right, darrlin. :) How are you today? :D"

Me and Jack talked on and off all day, and I spent the whole day with Rose. We went to her house in the morning, and then me, her, her older sister (let's call her Laura) and her mom went to go pick up her new guy, Jake. This was my first time meeting Jake, considering he goes to school with her. He's a freshman, and he's surprisingly tall, 6'4, or something. He was actually pretty nice, so I didn't have to play the hostile best friend card.

Anyway, we all went bowling, along with Rose's other sister, and lets call her Ashley. She's much older than Laura, and has a 9 year old son, and let's call him Adam. I love that kid. I suck at bowling, badly, but it was really fun. Whenever Rose and Jake would hug or kiss or anything of that nature, though, I found myself looking away, and I didn't know why.

Even after we took Jake home, and after hearing Rose gush about him and their first kiss, and even while being at the movie theatre to go see 'Valentine's Day' and seeing every couple in the freaking world surrounding us, I kept up my happy ignorance. The movie was very cute, and I wanted to enjoy it. I could just pretend it was any other day.

It wasn't until after I got home at 9 at night and after Jack had to log off of Twitter that the loneliness kicked in.

I put my hair up in a messy ponytail, took my makeup off, put my sweats on, got a buttload of chocolate, put on a sappy movie, and then I cried.

It had been something lurking inside of me the entire day, something that usually keeps me company during Valentine's Day, and somehow, it hardly felt like V-day without it. Towards the end of the day, I had begun to wonder why I didn't cried at all that day. Turns out I'm very good at lying to myself. I thought seeing all the couples and everything didn't really bother me. But turns out, it did.

So I cried. I cried for a good hour, thinking about how single I was and how I was almost seventeen and out of all of my friends, I was the only one who had never had a boyfriend their entire life. And I have quite a few friends.

During this mopey time, I thought all the normal things a single person that mopes usually thinks. 'Why did I bother getting so excited over Jack? He doesn't care about me. It was all fake, and I knew that.' 'Is there something wrong with me? There must be, or someone would want me.' 'Am I not pretty enough?' 'Am I too this? Am I too that?' 'I'm so pathetic.' 'My friends always have boyfriends.' 'No one ever likes me.' 'Why is it never me?'

And then I finally stopped. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm smart, and I suppose, all around decent. There was no reason for me to think like that.

And I remembered how I told myself that I don't have time for a relationship right now. When I love someone, I love them with my entire being.

Everything that happened with Ricky Bobby two years ago wasn't real love. He was my first unrequited love, yes, but it wasn't the kind of love where someone loves you back. That was just a peek of how it would be. If I find someone who loved me with that same kind of intense love that I felt for them...I can't even imagine how it will be. My every thought, my every second of every day, my world will revolve around them, that much I know.

And now just isn't the right time for that. I have things to focus on. I have school, my friends, my family, my future. And a relationship would be a huge distraction from all of that.

So last night, I decided something. No more crying over this. This would be the last time I cried over loneliness as a teenager. I promised myself that. I'm strong, and if I can handle my dad going to jail for something he didn't do (he's back and everything's okay now, but that was a very hard time), my house being foreclosed, and my only grandpa dying all in these past two years, I can handle being single.

I already have been single my entire life, so why should it make a difference now? Of course, I know that if I do eventually get in a relationship, I'll probably cry about different things then. It's understandable.

But, I swear on everything, last night will be the last night I cry over being single.

My life won't start when I finally get a boyfriend. My life, as is, is right here, right now. I'm not going to walk around like a zombie, waiting for my life to start again. I need to live it.

I hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day. Despite the last part of it, mine was surprisingly good. Maybe I should actually stop dreading every Valentine's Day and make it memorable, like this one was. This will definitely be one I remember.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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