♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
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Adios, 2010.}
Friday, December 31, 2010 | 10:53 PM | 0Comment

Well, Internet. 2010 was an interesting year.

Thinking back, there was was a lot of Ricky Bobby (before and after he moved back), fun times, not-so-fun times, and a lot of fangirling (being both a Tokio Hotel fan and a member of various k-pop group fandoms is hard work, I'm telling you.)

I also think of growth when I think of 2010. I changed a lot, for the better. There were some tough spots, but altogether, 2010 was so worth it. It's hard to believe it's just over.

So, I'm going to do what I didn't do last year. I'm actually going to write my resolutions for 2011, right here right now. I don't know why, Internet, but I swear I have this overwhelming feeling about 2011. I feel like it's going to be big, and in a really good way. I'm not going to have a rut of a life anymore, I swear it, and I'm so ready for it.
Are you ready for this? Stay with me here, Internet. Some of these aren't your normal everyday resolutions, but trust me when I say that I wouldn't put them here if I wasn't at least going to try.

  1. Get out of the house every week. (Me and my parents made a pact, that they would try to at least get me out once a week. Last year this time, I hardly ever left the house, and I couldn't help but get a little claustrophobic. I'll make sure that won't happen.)
  2. Stop being awkward. Like, now. (I was plenty awkward with people before the whole online-school thing, but now, it's like it magnified. It's not too bad, but sometimes I get this weird-sounding nervous laugh, or I'll mix up words, or I'll say something out loud, and I think, 'What the hell did I just say?' I'm really not as witty as I sound over type, Internatz. Believe it.)
  3. Better hygiene. (Not that I'm terrible at hygiene now, but I'm talking about all the extra stuff, like flossing twice a day and keeping my nails neat and all that jazz. And more hygiene=more attractive! Yay!)
  4. Finish my current book. (What?! Out of nowhere?! Silly internet. I've written plenty of stories before this one, but this one just feels...different. I have a really good feeling about it. Pretty vague, I know, but stay with me.)
  5. Join a critique group. (One on one of those writing forums or writing websites, and it's for after I finish my story, of course. Because...)
  6. Get a literary agent. (WHOA, WHOA. Okay. I know this is insane, and foolish and naive and etcetera, etcetera. I know!! BUT. I've given this a lot of thought and research. I haven't exactly gone into how important writing is to me on here, but trust me when I say it's pretty much my life. It's the only thing I can really look at and say, 'Wow, I'm actually good at that.' It's the only thing that I feel like will always be a part of me. And I know what you're thinking. 'Why now? Why not wait until you're out of college, until you really know what you want? You're just a kid!' And I can't deny that that makes much more sense. But there's a reason I'm in online school right now, instead of normal school. And there's a reason why I haven't had a boyfriend yet. My life couldn't be more open to this opportunity than it is now. During college, it would be even harder to pursue, due to classes and what have you. And after college, who knows what else could stand in-between me and my dream? What if I meet someone by then, and get married and start a family? When would I have the time then? Maybe this is fate's way of telling me to go for it, now. Why not? I know it won't be easy. It sure as all won't. I'll get discouraged and want to quit and I'll cry and get rejected 492483 times. But I don't care. I owe it to myself to try. And at least that way, I won't have any regrets of not trying at all.)
  7. Do my best in school. (I know, it's random that I'd put this one after such a strange resolution as the last one. But I want this one every year, so why not this year too?)
  8. And the last, most simple one: Protect my heart. (Now that the whole Ricky Bobby thing has finally and officially kicked the bucket, knowing myself, I'll be looking around again, since it's in my nature for some reason. But since I'm taking this new direction in my life, I might be really busy with all the other stuff going on. And I won't have time for a boyfriend, and I suspect that at that point, I probably won't even want one! But if another guy happens to catch my eye this year, I'm going to be cautious. I won't make myself too vulnerable, I won't get my hopes up. And if the guys worth it, he'll be able/willing to break through all that.)
So here's a toast to 2011, Internet. Here's to (good) change, more improvements, and (hopefully) achievements.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Christmahanakwanzika.}
Friday, December 24, 2010 | 7:19 PM | 0Comment

Internet, handling Porscha is going easier than I thought it would be.

....and I only say that, because she never even showed up here. Hah. We never heard any reason why, she just never showed up and didn't bother to call until yesterday just to tell us that she wasn't coming, and nothing more than that. No offered explanation or excuse.

And on one hand, I'm kind of relieved, because all of the stuff I was worried about in the first place won't have to happen. I have a feeling that she made all of it up in the first place just so she could mooch, and then when she found out that me and Mom weren't exactly welcoming of the idea, she backed out.

But on the other hand, I feel kind of sad too. This would be the first Christmas that Porscha would have the chance to spend the entire day with all of her kids, but I suppose that was too much to handle for her. After all, there were probably some X-Mas parties she had to be at. Anything for free booze, right?

So, yeah, I'm not really sure how I feel about that. But at least we'll have the relaxed, quiet Christmas that we have every year.

Today, I braved stores with Mom, and we went last-minute Christmas shopping for my friends. I smiled and said Merry Christmas to every cashier we encountered on the way, because that's one of my favorite parts of this time of year. You never know whose day you can make with just one smile and a thoughtful few words.
One of them was a lady who worked at the dollar store, and she didn't look happy at all to be working. And so after she bagged our things, I turned to her and said with a smile, "Thank you. Merry Christmas." And she paused for a second, like I kind of surprised her, and then she said very seriously, "Merry Christmas to you too."

I got Best Friend Rose a zebra print stocking, because she'd never had one before (I know, right?? I just HAD to get her one, how do you not have a stocking for Christmas?), and I got her two cool hair care products because I'm a hair care freak now. I also got her her favorite color nail polish, and a top coat.
Then, I got Jazz Christmas-colored gum balls, two lime green bracelets(her favorite color), and two facial products(being one container of a mint mask and one container of an oatmeal & honey mask), and a partridge in a pear tree. Good thing I only have two really close friends, or I'd be flat-out broke right now. Haha.

I delivered them both their presents in person, even though Rose has a super bad case of pneumonia at the moment and I couldn't get too close (I feel awful that she has to be sick for Christmas, but she's gotten some antibiotics, and she's been feeling a little better!)

(Warning: Holiday corniness ahead.)
I also played with my precious little boy of a cousin, who's currently teething, so he'll chew on anything he gets his hands on, even his own hands.
And I watched the Winnie the Pooh Christmas special with Nikki (*see last entry for reference) and played my k-pop Christmas CD to death(actually, it's on repeat as I type this.) and having a fun allergic reaction to Chex Mix with nuts that my mom received from a lady at her work (long story, and I'm fine now but drugged up on Benadryl, and I can hardly keep my eyes uncrossed.) And I may eat my way through cookies into a sugar coma by the end of tomorrow, but hey, 'tis the season, right?

This year was tighter for us financially, but I'm just glad for my family and the things we do have. And I'm not just saying that to say it, like some people do. Things could be awful right now, and I could be having the worst holiday ever, but I'm not. And that's really all I could ask for.

And Internet, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to every single one of you. I wish you safety and blessings, from the bottom of my heart.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Hopeless Romantic Christmas Carol (sort of, but not really).}
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 | 7:42 PM | 0Comment

Internet, tell me. When you're faced with a tough situation during the holidays, what do you do?

I'll delve into that in a second, but first: finals.
I tend to go a bit crazy with studying during semester-end finals. And by crazy, I mean borderline reclusive/studying through meals/even sacrificing sleep if I have to, crazy. And this time was no different.
Buuuut, I nailed all of my tests, so it was worth it. And all of that resulted in me pretty much collapsing the whole weekend in relief and exhaustion.

So, after my weekend of recovering/reestablishing communication with the outside world, me and Mom really got to start all our Christmas stuff (including watching cheesy overplayed made-for-TV Christmas specials and making Christmas candy and cookies and me licking the bowl clean of leftover cookie dough. So unhealthy, so good.) And it's been super awesome and fun so far.

But. Then came tonight.

After decorating said cookies, which we made yesterday, and after watching one of the many TV-movie versions of A Christmas Carol, my dad and my grandma (meaning his mom, and she lives with us) started walking back and forth between the garage and the basement, and they were talking in low voices. They seemed to be concerned about something, and I wondered what it was, but me and mom decided not to ask just yet.

Then, dad finally came in and sat down with his super-worried/dreading our reactions face on. Now I was was dreading what it was. And then he came out and told us: My cousin Porscha was going to be our house guest until after Christmas.

Let me give you some important background information on Porscha, Internet. (Let me warn you, this is long and very complicated. Stay with me here.)

Porscha is pretty much the black sheep of my dad's side of the family. Now let me explain why. Porscha is not related to me by blood. She, and her brother, were adopted by my grandmother when they were six years old, from a foster home.
Porscha gave birth to her first child, my 8 year old cousin Nikki*, when she was 17 years old. My age now. And after Porscha birthed Nikki, she predictably dropped out of High School. Big surprise there, right? But after dropping out, my grandmother (or in this case, her adoptive mother) decided to help her take care of baby Nikki so that Porscha could go back and finish High School so she could make something of her life for her child.

And this was amazing of my grandmother. Completely awesome. Except for Porscha never went back to school, and to date, the longest she's kept a job was 6 months (not because she gets fired. Oh no. She quits because they're 'too hard'. We're talking jobs at department stores, waitress jobs, not rocket science. Not to mention all the training schools for jobs that she quit early, including beautician school and dental assistant school.) And my grandma kept taking care of Nikki, with the occasional visit to her real mom, but my grandma is pretty much her mother.

Porscha was never ever there for Nikki. Never took her to school, never took care of her when she was sick, never held her when she had her night terrors and she woke up crying.
And 8 years and 2 more kids later, it's still the same. All of her kids are from different fathers.

Over the years since she dropped out of High School, she's gotten arrested for stealing at least 5 times, done every drug you can think of, been a stripper--and I'm not sure we've officially confirmed this, but she's also possibly been a prostitute--, been in 3 abusive relationships, including one where the dude broke her jaw and she had to have it wired shut, and she's had to stay at grandma's house (before grandma moved in with us) because she couldn't pay her utilities/had a bad hangover/had to hide from somebody. She's pretty much the poster girl for high school dropouts.
Her other two kids are two and 6 months old, and the first time the 6 month old ever came to our house so grandma could watch him was a week after he was born. One week old and his mother handed him over to grandma. He and the two year old stay at our house for 1-2 weeks at a time, and usually after a week, they're back here again. They're here so often that we keep toddler toys/a baby bed and highchair for when they're here.

And so. This 25 year old woman, this person whom I refuse to even call my cousin, is going to live in our house until after xmas--possibly New Year's. Why? Because she's having her life threatened(she gets in fights a lot), and the police don't want her and 'her kids' staying at her house. She doesn't have friends she can stay with, and she doesn't have money, so she can't stay in a hotel, so she has to stay here.

I had even had a conversation about Porscha earlier today with my dad. It all had to do with the fact that I lost my respect for her a long, long time ago and I absolutely hate what she's doing to 'her kids'. I love my baby cousins with all of my heart, and whenever I think about how they had to be born to such a horrible predicament, to such a distant and irresponsible mother, it makes me want to cry. I hate it.

And so when I heard this news, I reacted a lot stronger than I thought I would. My heart sped up and I was shaking. My first response was, "No. I don't want her here."
All I could think about was how much I hate her, and how this was supposed to be our Christmas and just ours, and she was going to come in and ruin it all.

I'm one of those sentimental folks that has Christmas up on this sort of pedestal. Christmas magic, Christmas miracles, Christmas spirit. I'm also guilty of thinking those pedestal-type thoughts, like, 'Nothing bad can happen! It's Christmas! It'll be perfect! Rudolph always guides Santa's sleigh, Frosty always returns, every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!' And being an only child, I'm so used to quiet, private Christmases.

And all this is what immediately leads me to think this way. Porscha couldn't barge into our xmas. Christmas is for family, and she's not family. Christmas is about happiness, and she would ruin mine. And I continued my bratty temper tantrum and had a fit of frustrated crying, saying, "I don't want her here!" and "Why can't she stay somewhere else?" even though I knew exactly why.

Then ten minutes later, when I calmed down some, I decided to text Rosie and complain more. Best Friend Rose has heard plenty of Porscha rants from me, but even this rant of mine surprised her. In one part of a text, she said, "I don't think you hate her, you just hate everything she's done. Sure she's a disappointment, but she's still family. She just barged in on your family's time, but no one deserves to be alone or at a hotel on Christmas." And it was so true that I sat and read it 6 times through.

I knew that I was being super high maintenance and bratty and selfish. I just couldn't get past the big fat flashing sign that said INTRUDER in my head. I couldn't get past all the crap she's done, and how she's the one person on this Earth that I judge with such scorn (okay, and maybe Phil too).

But maybe this is my own personal Christmas special. Maybe this is my chance at having true Christmas spirit: giving to others. Even if I don't particularly like it. Even if I don't particularly like them, especially if they're family.

This isn't about me. There's more going on in the bigger picture. My cousin is virtually homeless right now, and she has nowhere else to go. In reality, no one deserves that, especially during Christmas time. She needs a home right now, and we're going to share ours.

So, this sure won't be easy. But I'm a big girl, and I need to suck it up and be mature about it.

And just because this xmas won't be like we planned, it doesn't mean it'll suck. Maybe it could turn out even better this year.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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Dodged that bullet.}
Sunday, December 12, 2010 | 9:26 PM | 0Comment

Internet!

I have good news. Phil's status WASN'T about me! He quickly made sure to shoot down all the people who commented, saying, "No!! It's NOT Sarah! She's Mexican, actually."
Relief, right?

Buuut, before we celebrate, there was one more thing.
He had another status about a week and a half ago, that said this: "Thinking about her ;)". And I'm 100% positive it's NOT me this time. BUT.
I started stalking the comments, and there's a whole bunch of them underneath, but a few that caught my attention were these, among a conversation about hot this girl he was thinking about was:

Burrito (see October entries for reference, more specifically, 'Noodles and Butter Knives'): Sounds hot
Phil: Ya she is hot like sarah
Burrito: Well how hot do you think she is?

And then no answer. Might've been an inside joke kinda thing, and I'm being overly paranoid, but...yeah. So...maybe this is a win, and maybe it isn't?
Who knows. But at least it ended up being nothing and I can continue on not blogging about him anymore. Let's hope, right?

So, in other non-Phil news, lately I've been thinking about something. And it's something that I notice every holiday season, but I'm just now realizing it again now.

Christmas couples are freaking annoying.

I'm not talking about couples that have been and were already together before the holiday season. No no. I'm talking about those obnoxious people that only start dating someone they think they like because they don't want to be single for Christmas. The ones that flaunt it all over Facebook and take 6839375 kissing pictures of them and their 'lover' (for the moment) and only post their status updates about how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and OH MY GOD MY BOYFRAN GOT ME THIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND OMGGG I LUB HIM SOOOO MUCH. EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY.

Shut up. Just. Shut up. I want to punch them all in the face.

And this isn't just the single/bitter/forever alone/cat lady in me speaking, this is just me in general. It's driving me insane. EVERYDAY on Facebook, I'm seeing a new 'So-and-so is in a relationship' and its getting super old.

I mean, come on. We all know that the majority of these Christmas couples are going to be gone by the second week of January. Or, even worse, they'll force it until Valentine's Day, and then break up two days afterward.

And I know people hate being single during the holidays, trust me, I totally get that (been single every Christmas of my life thus far), but to try and fool yourself (or the person you're 'dating', or everyone else for that matter) into thinking that you're really in that relationship because you want to be with them, and not because you don't want to be single for the Holidays?

Come on. That's bordering on ridiculous. And yet tons of people do it. I'll never understand it.

Anyway. My Thanksgiving was great, no drama or stress, just family and food comas, just like I like it. And I'm super excited about Christmas, just like I am every year.
Absolutely no Ricky Bobby news or ramblings this entry, aren't you proud of me, Internetz? Getting better and better lately, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
This week is finals week, and I'm already looking forward to it being over, but who doesn't? I've already studied myself half to death, and it's not even Monday yet.

Wish me luck, Internet? I'll need it.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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