There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

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Internet, how was your Christmas? (Or Kwanzaa? Or Festivus? Or Winter Solstice? Or Hanukkah, which is still happening currently?)

As for me, my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was super low key.

Due to a cold going around, my dad got sick and spent both days in bed. And the day after, my mom caught it, too. I, however, am upping my vitamin intake, drinking green tea religiously, keeping my hands sanitized, and hoping for the best. (I haven't had a cold since 2012 and do not intend changing that.)

So Christmas was mostly spent watching movies and eating, which is what I like to do during my holidays anyway. AND we got a surprise snow overnight! (And I got an IOU for my bed. Still getting it, but it'll probably be early next month instead. Nothing wrong with late gifts!)

But what I want to touch on is the days before Christmas.



So, Internet, I'm sure you could guess this from the tone of my last entry: I decided to message Brennan after all.

Dun dun dun.

Honestly, you guys, my guilt and curiosity was driving me crazy. I decided to go through with this because I finally realized that the regret I felt from not clearing things up between us was greater than any regrets I might have if he ignored me or dismissed my apology. (Because I knew that if he did, I would deserve it, and also there would be no more question of if he really resented me or not.)

So, the day before Christmas Eve Eve, I knew I had to do it, and as soon as possible.

I opened up the memos app on my phone and, after typing up what I hoped was an innocent enough seeming short opener (of the 'Could we talk?' variety, just to give him the option of ignoring me without inundating him with an unsolicited paragraph apology after not talking to him for ages. Not only would that be rude, but also probably pathetic.), then I crafted my apology.

I did my best to make it genuine and made sure that I owned up to my mistakes. I made sure that he knew that I knew what I did was mean spirited and that nothing he did warranted such treatment by me at all. I said that all this time I felt awful about how I had treated him. I also told him that if he wanted me to leave him alone again after this then I would, and that I wouldn't blame him.
Carefully, I also decided to tell him about my anxiety, and that I was dealing with a particularly potent onslaught of it at the time, and it contributed to my treatment of him as well.

After all of this was typed up into a lengthy paragraph, it was the moment of truth.



I opened up Instagram. An old DM thread from literally 2 years ago was there--I had sent him a surprise selfie, and he'd called me cutie and said that I'd brightened his day. Enter sad sigh here.

I resent that I have to do this way, through DM like I has freaking J*cob or something. I still have mighty contempt for that dude, but in this case, I felt some sympathy for him. Sending a DM that might not be received well is super nerve wracking. (But that's where my sympathy for him ends.)

I sent my opener to him, then immediately locked my phone, and left it to charge in another room for an hour and a half.

Unfortunately for me, I'd had a coffee earlier that day, so my anxiousness was off the charts for at least an hour. Skittering heart, shaking hands, churning stomach, nausea, the whole 9 yards.

After that hour and a half was up, I made myself go check my phone. It was now fully charged--but no response from Brennan. I opened up the message, and it said that it had been read.

Swallowing the immediate hurt I felt, I nodded, accepting this like a big girl. I tried to go out on a limb and it had been shot down. This happened to people all the time, and I would have to accept it. I mean, it didn't happen to me all the time, but that's just because I rarely take risks. But whatever, I told myself. Shake it off. At least you tried. And I was never entitled to a response from him anyway. This was what I deserved for acting like such a bitch before.

After I gave myself this internet pep talk, I glanced down at my phone one last time...and there was a new notification in my notification bar. I dragged down the preview.

IT WAS A RESPONSE FROM BRENNAN.



Crap. Crappity crap shit shitty crap!!

Immediate fear. Oh God. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?!

After I stop panicking and staring at the notification, I force myself to just open the damn message already. It opens.

His response isn't cold, like I had expected. It seemed surprised, for sure, but friendly. He told me (since I suppose he assumed I didn't know) that he had a girlfriend, so as long what I had to tell him was platonic, then it was perfectly fine.

I didn't know what to make of this--I don't know if he thought I was going to send this giant declaration of love or what, but I decided to err on the side of doubt and assume he was just trying to be extra careful. (I assumed he also had told his girlfriend I had messaged him, and that was why it took him a bit to respond. Because yes, Internet. He's just that decent. And I'm a fucking idiot.)

I told him I'd already known he does, and that it was nothing like that. Then I copied and pasted my whole apology, sent it, then sent my phone down and immediately left the room to take an impromptu middle-of-the-day shower. Random, yes. But it helped calm me down and clear my head.

After I got out, feeling much calmer now that I'd gotten the apology out of the way, I picked up my phone to read his response.

He was kind, Internet. Much kinder than I ever thought I deserved.



First he said that he had never had anything against me, and that he had just figured that when I disappeared that I wasn't interested in him, considering how we had met. He also said he hadn't been upset at me for it. He also went on to say that he had no idea about struggles with anxiety, and that he wishes I had told him all this sooner if I felt so awful about it all this time.

Immensely relieved, I respond, saying I would have told him all of this sooner, but I had been positive that he probably hated me and didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then I thanked him for accepting my apology.

He said that of course he didn't hate me, saying that was ridiculous. Then he asked if it was okay if he asked me how the anxiety affected me. He added that he really couldn't tell at all when we'd been talking, and wondered in what ways it affected me.

Before I go on, Internet, let me make something clear.

For a long time, I had wondered how he would've reacted to me telling him about my anxiety. So in this instance, I decided that it couldn't hurt to tell him finally. Anxiety contributes to the way I handle things in a very large, constantly present way. There are things that I do in my everyday life that confuse and worry people who don't know about my disorder, which is one thing I hate about it. It affects how I perceive others and how others perceive me so often, and it's frustrating.

Most of the time I'm very uncomfortable with telling people about it. In fact, I have told very, very few people about it. Not only is it a taboo to talk about mental illness for a lot of people, but many people are also unfairly prejudice and judgmental about it when they usually understand little to none about it.

Similarly, most people are flippant about things like anxiety and depression. It's written off as if it's just a 'mindset' that you can change if you just look at the world differently, when that's not the case at all. They don't understand that it's just something that happens to your brain and you can't control it.

So, all that being said: Brennan's supportive and understanding reaction was a big deal to me. A very big deal.



He continued asking respectfully about it, such as what my triggers were, and what kind of treatment I was going to start in January, since I'd mentioned it. No one, besides my closest friends, had ever been so...considerate of this before. And had talked to me about it like it mattered. Ever.

After a couple of days, as the holidays were in full swing and we got busy, the conversation faded out. And to be honest, I was glad it did. Not because I didn't like talking to him again. Not that reason at all.

It's just that after that conversation with him--about something that I had kept very deeply hidden inside me for no one else to see, for a very long time--I realized that I like Brennan.

I realized that I do like Brennan, and that I wasn't just spurned because he had gotten a girlfriend after I had ignored him. I was jealous of his girlfriend. Because I want to be his girlfriend.

I realized that Brennan is the first person I've had feelings for since R*cky B*bby.

And that, therefore, that makes this a very big deal.



So when we talked, and he spoke so kindly and sensitively to me, my heart sunk. It made me sad because I realized who I had thrown away just because I was unsure and afraid.

I know he has a girlfriend. I know that likely won't change anytime soon, because as nice as this girl seems, she would be an idiot to let go of him. But it doesn't change my feelings about him, especially since now I'm aware that they're there and I can't ignore them anymore.

I'm definitely not going to act on this, Internet. I won't do anything that would hurt him. And his girlfriend is a nice girl, and she doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I won't get between them. I'll continue staying far away, keeping my feelings completely to myself.

But if--and that's a big if--things change next year, so help me, I will make it known to Brennan that I want him.

And if--another big if--I get another chance with him, I won't throw him away again.

I know, this is horrible timing. Isn't it? But that seems to be my thing, in all honesty. I am just really, really good at having bad timing. For everything.

I'm also really good at wanting things--people, jobs, school, clothes, makeup--that I can't have. I guess I just really live for the pain of wanting and yearning. I crave that shit. Messed up, I know. But I guess it takes me truly yearning for something for me to realize how wonderful it is.



That is definitely something I need to work on in 2017.

And anyway, I don't regret apologizing to him, not at all. I'm quite relieved that I did it. I'm relieved that he knows now that I don't hate him, and that I know that he doesn't hate me, and that the air is clear. The question, now, is whether or not I can deal with what I discovered in the process of clearing the air between us. I guess we'll see with time.

Moving right along.

Speaking of 2017, here's a list of things I want to accomplish during the new year:

1. Therapy. Number one, by far. Miraculously, one good thing that happened during this horrible year was my family gaining health insurance after 8 years of not having it. As you can imagine, in 8 years, you can accumulate several health problems. But one huge thing, one thing I cannot put off any longer, is starting CBT therapy for my anxiety. It's miraculous that I've even gone this far without it, but unfortunately it's not something I can do on my own anymore. I know that I need some outside help, and now that we have insurance, it's finally within my reach to get it. 
2. Wake up earlier. I swear, this was also one of my resolutions for 2013. But you know what? It worked. For someone who loves sleep, getting up earlier in the morning really improves my mood and productivity during the day. So this is something I need to start doing again. I'm still not a morning person, and perhaps will never be, but with my new Keurig, that part might be a little easier.
3. Get knee treated. Hey, remember when I said I injured my knee last February? Well, it's still injured. In fact, it's pretty messed up. I still can't walk without my brace on at all, and my muscles in my thigh above the knee have pretty much shriveled down to nothing. In addition to all that, from walking with a limp for almost a whole year, my hips have started developing problems too. SUPER fun. So, before I get all my other numerous health problems dealt with, this is definitely number 1. I'm honestly just hoping at this point that I won't need surgery.
4. Possible online college. I know, I know. I've said a million times that I would never do online school again. But you know, at this point, I'm pretty sure this is my only option. Considering my glaring continued lack of money, and my growing knee and hip problems, going to college on a campus just isn't possible for me at this moment in time. So if I have to do school this way, then I'll do it. I've done it before, I can do it again.
5. Keep up with all of my writing works in progress. My novel for November this year was a success, as well as the new draft of one of my old stories that I worked on in July. I have lots of stories to work on next year, and I intend to dedicate as much time as I can to them. Researching, editing, revising, all that jazz. And now that I finally bit the bullet and downloaded Scrivener, I can do all that a little easier.

Labels: brennan, christmas 2016, new year, resolutions, scary stuff

Internet. It's been a minute. How have you been?

As for me, I've been recovering from the Hell on Earth that was November 2016. (Thank god I stuck to my NaNoWriMo goals for the month to distract me from the Worst Election in History. Despite my emotional distress, I wrote 50k words of a draft of a weird, lovely story that I'm pretty proud of, despite its' first draft messiness.)

I've also been working tirelessly on my Christmas cards, which all got sent out earlier this week. It has served as a great distraction, and as usual, I was grateful for it.

But something happened earlier this month that I was not expecting. First, let me revisit what I had written about last Christmas: the Christmas Crazies.



As usual, I've been watching plenty of Hallmark Christmas movies (or all of them! Whatever! Don't judge!....I may have a problem.) and pretty much every other kind of Christmas movie and special that you could think of. And also as usual, I'd begun getting the yearnings.

Last year, I yearned for any possible connection at all to someone, which disastrously lead to talking to 4 guys on Tinder all at once, including that one super creep, who was super creepy even for Tinder's standards.

This year, however, like being visited by several Ghosts of Christmas' Past, I couldn't help but start to think of all the guys I had 'almosts' with...from this past year, and even before that.



I thought of Amad, who I had actually first matched with on Tinder just before last Christmas, and who had proceeded to like my Instagram pictures for a full month before finally asking me out in January. Thought of how I was so excited by the thought of going out with him at first, then was quickly disenchanted when he'd blown me off after I had turned down his (last minute) date invites for legitimate reasons.

I thought of Luke, who had given me my first, adorable kiss this year after we had watched an alien movie in the midst of the strange, beautiful late April snowstorm. Thought of how, though we lost interest in each other, how nice he was to me. I hope he's doing well now.

Thought of Jacob. Immediately stopped thinking of Jacob as I dry heaved.

Then most importantly, most relevantly, thought of a ghost from even further back, from two Christmases ago--I thought of Brennan. Thought of our Christmas Eve Eve coffee date, and how I'd intended on bringing him some of the Christmas cookies my mom and I had made, but I had forgotten them in my mad rush to get there and not be late. (Even though I still was.)



Which brings me to what happened on December 6th.

That morning, Brennan sent me a snap.

I waited a full 3 hours until opening it, because I was freaking out.

This was the first time he'd initiated conversation since last summer, I was positive. He'd still been lurking in my snap story on a regular basis, and at this point, I was used to that. He even still occasionally liked some of my Instagram pictures, and eventually I had gotten used to that, too. But he hadn't tried to talk to me in ages.

But the weird thing was, this didn't feel like when J*cob had slid into my DMs in October. I wasn't immediately filled with rage. I actually kind of felt...nervous.

Maybe I was nervous because I had already been thinking about him in the first place, and then ta-dah! Surprise! Sudden contact!

Finally, when I stopped psyching myself out, I just decided to open the damn thing. And lo and behold, what was it? A video of him, captioned, 'this is more my style' or something like that, to be honest I was sort of dazed as I watched it--with the cat face filter. Because of course cat-loving Brennan would send me that.



I wasn't thinking, only thinking that I actually wanted to respond this time. I didn't look cute, but at the same time I didn't want to look cute because I didn't actually know if he still had a girlfriend--I hadn't snooped his Facebook in forever. I didn't want it to seem flirty if he was still dating her. So just to be safe, I picked the ugliest face filter I could find--an Albert Einstein one. And then I captioned it 'this is my style, personally' and send it.

I think the motivation was just to send something disarming or funny, so I didn't seem like a total bitch, but who knows how he could have taken it. He didn't respond anyway, just opened it. And that was that.

Except he's still been watching my whole snap stories like before. And I really wonder why he sent me that snap in the first place.

Especially considering the fact that when I finally got the guts to snoop his Facebook, I saw that him and his girlfriend are still together.



Maybe it was an accident? But if he had accidentally sent it, he would've just been able to delete the snap he sent before I saw it, right? I'm pretty sure that's possible, though I've never done it personally. (So I may be totally wrong about that.)

Or perhaps he still wants to be friends with me? And if so, why? Why would he want to be friends with the girl that was a total bitch to him for no reason? (As far as he knows anyway.)

So Internet...it's like this. I've tried to let go of this, to brush this off. But the Christmas Crazies have taken over.

After a bit of introspection, I realized that it's been 2 years now since I first met Brennan in person. And I realized that on average, with friends especially, it takes roughly 2 years for me to warm up to someone new before I feel like I can trust them. Some things began to come together in my brain.

Maybe before I hadn't warmed up to Brennan, and that's one of the reasons why I was so scared to get close to him, as I often am with people. Maybe it's been long enough since I've met him that I've actually come to like him. I don't know.

Sigh. But that sucks, right? Because he has a girlfriend.



I mean, there has to be a reason that bothers me so much. If I didn't like him, at least a little bit, it wouldn't bother me that he has a girlfriend. Especially since they'll be together two years next May. If I was just feeling a little spurned, I would've gotten over it by now, surely.

For a good while, I thought I was over it. But turns out I'm actually not.

But maybe it's just the holiday nostalgia talking. Maybe I'm not actually not over it. Maybe it's just the memories coming back to haunt me, twisting my emotions in some way.

Either way, Internet, I've gotten the strong urge to reach out to him. I have the strong urge to apologize to him for how I treated him.

I have no desire to break up his relationship. Absolutely not. I have never and still never want to be that girl. I have much more pride than that, and that would totally make me feel like a horrible person. (Actually, it would make me a horrible person.)



But I just feel that I owe him an apology for treating him the way I did. It would only be an apology, and nothing more than that. I would leave him alone after that if he wished. I just don't like this remaining, unresolved underlying tension between us. The fact that he even has reached out to me at all after how I treated him is truly something else. It makes me feel sad. He's so nice to me. Why?

But I would want to make sure that it would be for his sake too, not just to ease my guilt about it. I for sure want to get it off my chest, but would it really benefit him too if I apologized after nearly 2 years? Or would it be like spitting in his face? I can't shake the feeling that this doesn't feel fair to him.

I don't know, Internet. I've been trying my best to ignore this urge, but when I think about that snap he sent me out of the blue, the urge grows stronger. And maybe it would be the right thing to do.

I'll think about it a little more, maybe get some advice about it. I just don't want him to hate me. (Not to mention I don't want his girlfriend to hate me. Gulp.)

Meanwhile, another laid-back Christmas is on the way.



The only thing I asked for this Christmas was a new bed, considering I've had my current bed since I was 6 years old. (It was my first big-girl bed, and used to be a canopy. Twin sized. Now it's just cramped, and my 18 year old mattress is unbearable with my multiple joint problems as of late.)

The other thing I wished for this Christmas was one more Christmas with my dog. She's gotten old, almost 14, and last month, we had a seriously devastating health scare with her where we thought it might be the end of things. She's still hanging on like the fighter she is, and we're taking it one day at a time now, cherishing our time with her as much as we can. I'm scared to lose her, but I'm doing my best not to think of that and hug and kiss her every single day.

I also wished for snow, but...well. La Nina had different plans, and it seems that may not happen. Sigh.

But maybe, just maybe, this Christmas I could give someone a much-needed apology so we can both move past it.

I DON'T KNOW. UGH.



I'll keep you guys updated. And Happy Holidays to you all!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: brennan, christmas 2016, christmas crazies, regrets

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