♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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letter to rose. (secret #10)}
Thursday, May 28, 2015 | 9:27 PM | 0Comment

Dear Rose,

Hi. It’s been a while.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve written this letter to you after not talking to you or seeing you for so long. The truth is, I have a lot of things I want to get off of my chest. For a long time, I was upset. But I’ve never been good at speaking my feelings out loud, so I thought this letter was the best way to express myself.

I’m sure that you’ve been wondering why I stopped talking to you.

Let me tell you something. In 2012, a friend of mine passed away in a car accident. Since that happened, from the end of 2012 and throughout 2013, I struggled with severe depression. I rarely left the house. I also began having regular panic attacks and showed other symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

I have improved since then, but I still struggle with these things every single day. I still have panic attacks. There are times I still struggle to get out of bed and do normal things like bathing. I still struggle to leave my house for things as simple as going to class or running an errand.

Surprised? This isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with most people, and struggling with mental illness is not easy to talk about. At the worst of my symptoms, I felt abnormal, embarrassed, and scared all the time. I just needed someone to be there for me to talk to and to lean on. And for the first time, you weren’t there for me.

I know you were always there for me when my dad went away, and when I was in online school, and that means a lot to me still. Nothing will erase what you did for me back then, and how I’ll always be grateful for that. But my 20th birthday forced me to reevaluate some things and take a closer look at our friendship.

I’ll always cherish all of our good memories, like how we would play at summer day camp, play dress up and Barbies, having intense discussions about books, endless sleepovers, our Harry Potter marathons and laughing at stuff online. Those times will always be close to my heart.

But other times, it seemed like it was so easy for you to forget about me. You’ve always been able to make friends easily, I’ve always envied you for that. Everyone liked you, and you’ve always had plenty of people to fall back on. You didn’t have to worry about going places without me, or having to be on your own.

I think that’s partly what set the dynamic in our friendship for years. I always needed you more than you needed me. I was this weak, fragile little mouse that needed someone braver to lead me. Back then, codependency was all I knew. So seeing that you didn’t need me, or care about me as much as I cared about you, broke me.

I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how what happened on my 20th birthday devastated me. At that point in time, I was still grappling with the loss of my friend, and I thought that you were the last person that was there for me in some way. But after that day I realized that maybe you didn’t really care about me at all.

As I continued to struggle with my depression and anxiety, without even the slightest indication that you wondered about how I was doing, or even thought of me at all, this further cemented my wounded feelings. When my mom went to the hospital in late 2013, and I heard not one word from you, I finally realized that we weren’t even friends anymore. I didn’t understand how someone who used to be like family to me could throw me away so easily.

Was it so easy for you? I know that new relationships can be fresh and exciting, and it’s easy to get distracted. But I didn’t even exist to you anymore. I wasn’t even worth texting or getting coffee with. When other people made plans with you, they were a priority, and our plans were constantly cancelled by you, or blown off, or turned into a date for me to tag along on. Had I become too boring for you? Too weird? Or did you do this because you knew I wouldn’t say anything, and you could get away with it?

Was I that easy to take advantage of, or was I just insignificant? Our friendship was everything to me, and I needed you in my life. Yet you couldn’t even spare me a phone call.

Our friendship had suddenly become something unhealthy, and it made me sad more than it made me happy. And I’d finally found some other friends that made me feel happy and made me feel like being myself was okay. So, for the sake of my well-being and happiness, I had to distance myself from you.

Something I do have to apologize for is not being able to be there for you. I know this part of your life has been really difficult and confusing for you. I know you’ve been struggling, too. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But you can only be there so much for someone who doesn’t care about you in return.

That’s not to say that different people’s personal problems should be compared in any way, I just mean that after a certain amount of time, if it’s one person giving and giving and giving support, eventually they get tired. And I was tired of not feeling appreciated or important to you.

To be honest, I do miss you. Distancing myself from you was maybe one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. For months, I cried every day. Every time something important happened to me, I wanted so badly to tell you, but then the thought occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t care.

But in the past couple of years, I’ve grown a lot. And being dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me isn’t enough for me anymore. I’ve been trying in every way to be healthier, and happier, and not having unhealthy relationships in my life is part of that. I still care about you, and still want the best for you. But I’m trying to take care of myself now. And if being friends with you isn’t a part of that, then I have to continue to move on.

I wrote this letter because for a long time, I thought staying silent was better. I didn’t want things to escalate into a giant blowout in case you didn’t like what I had to say, because that’s not how I wanted things to end. But then I kept thinking about my friend that died at just 23 years of age, and wondered if there were things she never got to tell people. Things that she just kept inside of her until her life was taken from her. If there’s anything I’ve learned the most, it’s that you never know what could happen tomorrow. I didn’t want to regret never saying any of this to you.

Regardless of what’s happened, and what may happen in the future, I want you to know that I might never have another best friend like you ever again. You deserve the best in your life, and I hope you always remember that. Life is cruel to all of us, but we all deserve true happiness and fulfillment. Never stop fighting for it.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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on a list of people i'd likely end up falling for...}
Wednesday, May 27, 2015 | 10:29 PM | 0Comment

...a super cute pizza guy would be high up on that list.

Cute?

Nice smile?

Friendly?

Brings me pizza?

Where do I sign up? (Seriously, as someone who loves musicals and pizza, this was adorable. Watch this short film called "SLICE: the musical" if your day needs a little pick-me-up. You're welcome.)


xo Hopeless Romantic

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because it's been a while: update entry #1.}
Sunday, May 24, 2015 | 7:09 PM | 2Comment

All right, Internet.

Getting back into the swing of things, let's talk about some things that I haven't talked about in a while (or just touched on briefly). Since we have so much to catch up on, I'm going to split all these updates into separate entries over the next week or so, so I don't end up with one giant update post the size of Webster's English dictionary.

First things first: Rose. (Formerly Best Friend Rose.)

As I briefly mentioned before, we don't speak anymore. Or, more accurately, I don't speak to her anymore.

She's reached out to me several times on Facebook (albeit shallowly--it's never been anything more than something to the effect of "Hope you're well, I miss you!" and maybe a compliment if she's commenting on a picture), and the most I've done is liked the comment or post.

The last time I responded to something she sent me was last year, on the 4th of July, when she texted me for the first time in 7 months to ask if I wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival, just me and her.

It would've been the first time we'd gone together since the wonderful summer of 2011, when we'd gone twice (once in costume) and obsessively got feather extensions.

It felt significant, because it was her first real attempt to hang out with me since the time we hung out after the disaster that was my 20th birthday. I politely declined, because the day she suggested was when we would have out-of-state relatives here, but suggested that maybe we could do something else another time soon, and I would let her know when I was free. She replied, saying she'd wait for when I was free.

For me to even offer to hang out some other time was huge, because before this, I had basically made up my mind to never see her again. But a conversation I'd had with Kenneth on our date had somewhat inspired me. I'd told him about the situation I had with her, and how long we had been friends.

He'd suggested to me that I try to talk with her and explain why I felt so upset with her--and he'd told me that it's hard to reconcile with people, especially after you've been hurt, but sometimes those people that you go to school with will end up being some of your closest friends later on in life. There was a lot of truth in what he said, and needless to say, that conversation made me wonder if maybe breaking away from Rose was a mistake. And when Rose texted me not too long after that date, I wondered if it was some sort of sign that maybe I should talk to her face to face.

On the day that she originally suggested we hang out, she ended up going to the Renaissance Festival anyway, with another girl named Sarah that she worked with, as if I needed anything else to make me feel lousy.

It took me a long time to muster up the courage, but two and a half weeks later, I texted her first, asking her if she maybe wanted to have lunch later on that week (just to give me a few days to prepare emotionally for what would probably make or break our reconcile).

I received no response.

After wondering if maybe she'd gotten a new phone and cleared her contacts, I checked her Facebook to see if she'd mentioned anything like that happening. Nope. She still had the same number. I checked my phone, double checking to see that the message had really been sent. It had.

I don't know why, but this blow was just...devastating.

In a way, I couldn't help but feel like she was trying to punish me. For not immediately saying yes to her original plan to hang out, and for not talking to her. Because that's something that she used to do to me, and it made me miserable.

This was the last effort I was putting in to rescue our friendship from the shambles it had crumbled into, after months of anger and sadness and loss, the last hope that I had to get my best friend back. And it went completely ignored, not even dignified with a reply.

After this, I knew that I couldn't afford suffering through any more heartbreak caused by this person who used to be like a sister to me. This was the final straw. After this, I stopped trying altogether. After this, I knew that living a life without her in it in the future would make me a happier and stronger person.

A few months after this happened, a weird period of time passed where she and her sisters and mom started liking and commenting on everything I posted on Facebook. Her mom even posted this really old picture of me and Rose on my wall for Throwback Thursday, from freshman year of high school (which immediately horrified me because I was making a duck face and my hair looked awful and I didn't know what good makeup looked like yet and UGH). This sort of thing probably would have worked on Past Sarah, who was insecure and craved any sort of positive attention at all, even if it was just stupid likes on Facebook.

But not me now. If anything, it just weirded me out and confused me. In these comments, they all acted as if everything was normal and we were all still close. That's the exact sort of phony shit that I cannot stand, from anybody. And they just kept doing it.

The only ones I'd respond to would be from one of her sisters and her mom, because to be honest I have no issue with them. They didn't do anything to me, and they were there for me like my own family at times, so I can't bring myself to avoid them still.

As for Rose...the likes and comments have slowed down some, but she's persisted. I think she's finally understood that I'm angry at her and that she's probably lost me for good this time.

She broke up with Holly* earlier this year, and from what I could tell from passive-aggressive status updates, it wasn't an amicable split. Though, if you ask me, it never seemed like much of a healthy relationship to begin with.

Her dad eventually found out about them, by the way, and it wasn't pretty. And by that I mean he went totally nutso. I mean batshit Bible-thumping crazy. I only heard about this through my dad who talked to her mom sometime towards the end of last year, but apparently her dad went ballistic when he first found out, then for months afterwards refused to speak with her. The only form of communication he ever had with her was sending daily Bible verses and telling her how she was going to hell for being bi.

Yeah. Awful. And totally freaking insane. I don't even know if they've talked recently, or made up, but despite the situation between us, I felt bad for her. And I lost even more respect for her dad. If I ever see him again, it'll be too soon.

Also, she's a bartender now. Dropped out of college. Made a new bar-going friend who apparently has a taste for sexist and racist jokes (as I discovered upon taking a glance at her Facebook). Still is a terrible judge of character, I see.

The more days go by, the less I recognize her, and the less I miss her. The person I miss is who she was in the past, someone she can probably never be again. I don't blame her for changing, because hell, we all change. But it seems that the way she's changed and the way I've changed have completely destroyed everything we once had in common as friends. Clearing the air may be possible, but I don't think friendship is possible anymore.

I've written a letter to her to air all of my feelings out (like the ones I've written to Jazz and Ricky Bobby, twice now). I'm going to post it here after I make some edits to make it sound less...bitter and angry. Even though I kind of still am. But there are parts of the letter that are petty, so I could stand to fix it up a bit.

I may or may not send it to her, although what I've learned in the past (from sending Jazz's letter to her) is that sometimes airing out and spilling everything you feel at once doesn't always go over so well, and can get messy.

Which is the same reason that I've, for now, decided not to send Ricky Bobby the new letter.

I talked about it with a friend of mine (who has way more boy experience than me), and she strongly suggested that I don't send it. She said that guys take even the smallest emotions from girls and blow them way out of proportion, so if I unloaded all of that on him in one emotional letter, he would probably think I was crazy, and it probably wouldn't give me closure at all. And after thinking about it, I realized that she was right. I was so riled up with emotion from writing the letter that I think I didn't even stop to consider what consequences might actually come from it. I'm really glad that I decided to talk about it with someone first, because I could have really made a mistake.

I've still been thinking about everything, but my worries and regrets have eased a little since writing the letter and getting it all off my chest. It hasn't completely gone away, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

So, okay! That's all I have to offer for this update.

First update entry down, at least one more to go! In the next one, I intend on talking about what I did for my birthday this year (but it wasn't all that fun, so don't get too excited).

xo Hopeless Romantic

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happy blog-a-versary!}
Thursday, May 21, 2015 | 4:29 PM | 0Comment

Internet! Wow! 7 years!

First of all, I wanna apologize for no anniversary entry last year. My hiatus from late '13 to early '14 was not a particularly good time for me, and I also had felt somewhat guilty for not posting for so long. The future of the blog seemed uncertain to me, and I wasn't much in the mood to celebrate.

So, to make up for missing last year, this year we'll have TWO CAKES. Hope you saved room. And, hey, look! My name!




7 years tomorrow, on the 22nd. Seven. SEVEN.

That length of time is absolutely crazy to me. Like I've reiterated in each and every anniversary post, when I'd started this blog at age 15, I never expected it to last this long. I never even expected it to last half this long.

I honestly attribute my survival of high school to the existence of this blog. Seriously. If I hadn't had this place to just vent about everything and be truly myself, I would have truly lost it.

And all of you are part of that. To my old readers and new readers, thank you. Your support, your input, even just you reading my whiny ass novel length entries is so reassuring to me in every single way. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy, and that maybe I'm not so alone in this big lonely world. Thank you all again. I hope to remain your always-worrying-always-ranting Hopeless Romantic for as long as possible.

I intend on blogging more regularly this year again, because I miss being able to be free on here. And in celebration of this 7th blog-a-versary, I decided to finally--FINALLY--add social media buttons to the sidebar.

GASP.

I know! About time, right?? I think I may have finally brought this blog forward into the social media age, officially. Now you guys can share my blog on Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Facebook. And I hope that you will! Since I don't have the money for ads, this is the best way I can get exposure/visitors. Plus, ads suck, amirite?

I may work on adding individual Twitter sharing buttons to each entry as well. (Also I was thinking about adding a Facebook like button...yes? No? Good idea? Bad idea? Too commercial maybe? Would not getting likes on an entry feel like not getting likes on Instagram?)

Anyway, I look forward to posting often and interacting more with you guys again! Let's do this!

EDIT: I decided to make a very new, very scary foray into the social media sphere as a blogger! Follow me on twitter: @xohplssrmntc ♡

xo Hopeless Romantic

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[!!!]EMERGENCY SIDE NOTE ON LAST ENTRY.}
Wednesday, May 13, 2015 | 11:28 PM | 1Comment

SOS. SOS. SOS.

I don't know if it's my sleeping pill I just took, or the weariness and restlessness I feel from thinking about all of this for months...

...but. Internet. I think I'm finally willing to take the biggest risk I've ever taken in my whole life.

I'm asking you guys out there, any of you that still read my blog: should I send it?

Should I send the letter?

Should I risk humiliation, vulnerability, a loss of pride and security and years of carefulness and send this letter to Ricky Bobby?

I've never ever ever taken a risk like this before, not with anybody. But I want closure so bad I could cry. After 7 whole years, I want so badly to move on. To get all of this out of me so I can move on with my life. Finally.

Even if he laughs in my face. Even if he shows the world how clingy and desperate and obsessive I look. I have to move on. Somehow. And this may be the only way I can.

Internet. Should I do it? Give me an answer. Please. Any answer. Help me decide if I should or if I'm being totally theatrical and insane like I can be some times.

Be honest with me. Please. Should I do it?

Help.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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letter to ricky bobby: 2015 edition. (secret #9)}
| 11:19 PM | 0Comment

Dear Ricky Bobby,

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I want to say that I hope you've been okay. Life can really be cruel sometimes, but I hope that it's been mostly kind to you, and that all of the good outweighs the bad.

You may be wondering why I wrote this letter to you after not speaking to or even seeing you for so long. I'm not good at expressing myself face to face, and I'm a better speaker in writing, so this is the easiest way for me to say important things. I have a few apologies to make to you. In truth, I should have written this letter years ago, but I was so caught up in the lies I told myself that I couldn't admit to what was true.
I'm gonna try not to sound overly formal with this whole letter, but that's kinda hard for me at times. Also, a lot of this has been building up inside of me for the past few months now, so I kind of have a lot to say.

None of this is easy for me to talk about at all, but I think it's important that I do. Don't feel pressured to reply to this, you really don't have to. I'll be honest and say that this letter is mostly for me to get stuff off my chest. So no worries, ok?

I've been thinking about some things over the past half year or so, while trying to be honest with myself, and I've realized a thing or two.

Firstly, I'm sorry that I never told you, to your face, that I was in love with you. You heard from plenty of other people, hell, from every other person in the world besides me. And that wasn't fair of me. So many things got misconstrued that way, and I believe that my feelings for you were interpreted wrongly sometimes. You weren't just some crush to me, Ricky Bobby, and you deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that they're special to somebody. I'm sorry I never mustered up the courage to tell you, even when I really, really wanted to. Like when you were moving away and I was saying goodbye to you, and like when you came back and we were alone one or two times and I had all the opportunity to.

Second, I'm sorry I was afraid. Back in the 8th grade, I had super low self esteem. In high school, it improved slightly, but I was still insecure and really afraid of rejection. I was still growing as a person in a lot of ways, and I don't think that I was ready to go out with anybody then.

And when you moved back, I realized that I still had feelings for you. After trying a whole 2 years to forget about you and move on, that terrified me. It terrified me even more that we hung out at those football games and my feelings were stronger than ever. I was hoping that when you moved back, I would show you that I was over you and you weren't a big deal to me anymore, and that's not what happened. I was scared of the direction things maybe might have been heading in(or probably might not have been, to this day I'm still not completely sure either way. I never really could figure you out, and I mean that as a compliment.) and I knew that in the future, if you were to show any sort of interest in me in return, I wouldn't have been able to hide my feelings anymore, which meant that I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry I was so prideful.

So, I kind of pushed you and Johnny away. I avoided you, hoping that if I pretended that you didn't exist and pretended that you meant nothing to me, it would be easier to move on. For this immaturity, I'm also sorry.

It sort of worked for a little while. That is, until I logged onto Facebook one day, saw that you were dating someone, got super jealous and blocked you. Really sorry for that. It was bitchy, I know. But I figured you wouldn't notice, and to be fair, I don't think you did. Even if you didn't, though, I still feel guilty about it. But after you had been blocked for a while, it was easier to keep you off my mind. It also helped the jealousy stay away. For a long while, it felt like I really had moved on.

But eventually, my immaturity came back and bit me in the ass. I only just recently got the courage to unblock you and add you as a friend again. I'm over my blocking phase on Facebook now, so there'll be no more blocking now, I promise.

I lied to myself for a long time about my feelings for you. I think the seriousness of my feelings scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with those kinds of feelings, and confront them in a healthy way, and so I pushed them away. In the end, that only hurt me more, and now I'm left with these residual regrets years later. I'll probably always regret the way I handled things between us, and that's why I've written this.

I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to be more honest with myself than I was in the past. It's a little hard, but it's been helping me realize some things about my past and about myself. I think coming to terms with things in my life will partly come with being honest with myself and with others, and being less of a goddamn coward. Haha. I'm still working on it, but I'm doing pretty okay so far.

One last thing I want to say is that at some point, you meant a whole lot to me. It's hard to explain why when I don't even know why myself. You were the first guy I ever had really strong feelings for. I know you didn't realize it, but for me, my 8th grade year was hell. Even just waking up in the morning every day was hard, but seeing you everyday at school made it just a little bit easier. It gave me a reason to show up at school and smile and keep trying. For that, thank you. Regardless of how old I get, I'll never forget that. I hope you don't forget that either.

Because this letter is getting to be too long, I guess I'll end it here. I felt like I couldn't go my entire life without saying any of those things to you, I think I owed it to both of us to say it all. Hope it didn't weird you out.

I wish you happiness and love and health and everything that you deserve.

Always,

Sarah

((Sequel entry to this original dramatic emo entry.))

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