There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
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Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

All right, Internet.

Getting back into the swing of things, let's talk about some things that I haven't talked about in a while (or just touched on briefly). Since we have so much to catch up on, I'm going to split all these updates into separate entries over the next week or so, so I don't end up with one giant update post the size of Webster's English dictionary.

First things first: Rose. (Formerly Best Friend Rose.)

As I briefly mentioned before, we don't speak anymore. Or, more accurately, I don't speak to her anymore.

She's reached out to me several times on Facebook (albeit shallowly--it's never been anything more than something to the effect of "Hope you're well, I miss you!" and maybe a compliment if she's commenting on a picture), and the most I've done is liked the comment or post.

The last time I responded to something she sent me was last year, on the 4th of July, when she texted me for the first time in 7 months to ask if I wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival, just me and her.

It would've been the first time we'd gone together since the wonderful summer of 2011, when we'd gone twice (once in costume) and obsessively got feather extensions.

It felt significant, because it was her first real attempt to hang out with me since the time we hung out after the disaster that was my 20th birthday. I politely declined, because the day she suggested was when we would have out-of-state relatives here, but suggested that maybe we could do something else another time soon, and I would let her know when I was free. She replied, saying she'd wait for when I was free.

For me to even offer to hang out some other time was huge, because before this, I had basically made up my mind to never see her again. But a conversation I'd had with Kenneth on our date had somewhat inspired me. I'd told him about the situation I had with her, and how long we had been friends.

He'd suggested to me that I try to talk with her and explain why I felt so upset with her--and he'd told me that it's hard to reconcile with people, especially after you've been hurt, but sometimes those people that you go to school with will end up being some of your closest friends later on in life. There was a lot of truth in what he said, and needless to say, that conversation made me wonder if maybe breaking away from Rose was a mistake. And when Rose texted me not too long after that date, I wondered if it was some sort of sign that maybe I should talk to her face to face.

On the day that she originally suggested we hang out, she ended up going to the Renaissance Festival anyway, with another girl named Sarah that she worked with, as if I needed anything else to make me feel lousy.

It took me a long time to muster up the courage, but two and a half weeks later, I texted her first, asking her if she maybe wanted to have lunch later on that week (just to give me a few days to prepare emotionally for what would probably make or break our reconcile).

I received no response.

After wondering if maybe she'd gotten a new phone and cleared her contacts, I checked her Facebook to see if she'd mentioned anything like that happening. Nope. She still had the same number. I checked my phone, double checking to see that the message had really been sent. It had.

I don't know why, but this blow was just...devastating.

In a way, I couldn't help but feel like she was trying to punish me. For not immediately saying yes to her original plan to hang out, and for not talking to her. Because that's something that she used to do to me, and it made me miserable.

This was the last effort I was putting in to rescue our friendship from the shambles it had crumbled into, after months of anger and sadness and loss, the last hope that I had to get my best friend back. And it went completely ignored, not even dignified with a reply.

After this, I knew that I couldn't afford suffering through any more heartbreak caused by this person who used to be like a sister to me. This was the final straw. After this, I stopped trying altogether. After this, I knew that living a life without her in it in the future would make me a happier and stronger person.

A few months after this happened, a weird period of time passed where she and her sisters and mom started liking and commenting on everything I posted on Facebook. Her mom even posted this really old picture of me and Rose on my wall for Throwback Thursday, from freshman year of high school (which immediately horrified me because I was making a duck face and my hair looked awful and I didn't know what good makeup looked like yet and UGH). This sort of thing probably would have worked on Past Sarah, who was insecure and craved any sort of positive attention at all, even if it was just stupid likes on Facebook.

But not me now. If anything, it just weirded me out and confused me. In these comments, they all acted as if everything was normal and we were all still close. That's the exact sort of phony shit that I cannot stand, from anybody. And they just kept doing it.

The only ones I'd respond to would be from one of her sisters and her mom, because to be honest I have no issue with them. They didn't do anything to me, and they were there for me like my own family at times, so I can't bring myself to avoid them still.

As for Rose...the likes and comments have slowed down some, but she's persisted. I think she's finally understood that I'm angry at her and that she's probably lost me for good this time.

She broke up with Holly* earlier this year, and from what I could tell from passive-aggressive status updates, it wasn't an amicable split. Though, if you ask me, it never seemed like much of a healthy relationship to begin with.

Her dad eventually found out about them, by the way, and it wasn't pretty. And by that I mean he went totally nutso. I mean batshit Bible-thumping crazy. I only heard about this through my dad who talked to her mom sometime towards the end of last year, but apparently her dad went ballistic when he first found out, then for months afterwards refused to speak with her. The only form of communication he ever had with her was sending daily Bible verses and telling her how she was going to hell for being bi.

Yeah. Awful. And totally freaking insane. I don't even know if they've talked recently, or made up, but despite the situation between us, I felt bad for her. And I lost even more respect for her dad. If I ever see him again, it'll be too soon.

Also, she's a bartender now. Dropped out of college. Made a new bar-going friend who apparently has a taste for sexist and racist jokes (as I discovered upon taking a glance at her Facebook). Still is a terrible judge of character, I see.

The more days go by, the less I recognize her, and the less I miss her. The person I miss is who she was in the past, someone she can probably never be again. I don't blame her for changing, because hell, we all change. But it seems that the way she's changed and the way I've changed have completely destroyed everything we once had in common as friends. Clearing the air may be possible, but I don't think friendship is possible anymore.

I've written a letter to her to air all of my feelings out (like the ones I've written to Jazz and Ricky Bobby, twice now). I'm going to post it here after I make some edits to make it sound less...bitter and angry. Even though I kind of still am. But there are parts of the letter that are petty, so I could stand to fix it up a bit.

I may or may not send it to her, although what I've learned in the past (from sending Jazz's letter to her) is that sometimes airing out and spilling everything you feel at once doesn't always go over so well, and can get messy.

Which is the same reason that I've, for now, decided not to send Ricky Bobby the new letter.

I talked about it with a friend of mine (who has way more boy experience than me), and she strongly suggested that I don't send it. She said that guys take even the smallest emotions from girls and blow them way out of proportion, so if I unloaded all of that on him in one emotional letter, he would probably think I was crazy, and it probably wouldn't give me closure at all. And after thinking about it, I realized that she was right. I was so riled up with emotion from writing the letter that I think I didn't even stop to consider what consequences might actually come from it. I'm really glad that I decided to talk about it with someone first, because I could have really made a mistake.

I've still been thinking about everything, but my worries and regrets have eased a little since writing the letter and getting it all off my chest. It hasn't completely gone away, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

So, okay! That's all I have to offer for this update.

First update entry down, at least one more to go! In the next one, I intend on talking about what I did for my birthday this year (but it wasn't all that fun, so don't get too excited).

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: best friend rose, facebook problems, growing up, kenneth, rose, updates

And why do they come back to haunt you at the most inconvenient times?

Internet, I need to be blatantly, even bleakly honest with you. In a way that I haven't in a while.

But first, let me tell you about this book that I just finished reading called Lola and the Boy Next Door. (WARNING!!! Many many many spoilers ahead for this book, and if you haven't read it and want to read it and don't want it to be totally and completely spoiled for you, stop reading now!!)

This book is about a few things, but MAINLY it's about a girl named Lola and the guy she has a long, complicated history with, Cricket. I read this book in a few weeks, and the entire time I read it, there were a lot of things I was feeling.

You know when you read a book, and this book just gets you? Like, it brings up all of the things you needed to hear at that exact moment in time, and it takes your feelings, puts a knife in them, and twists it over and over again? That was this book for me. I loved this book, but it was excruciating for me.

You see, in the book, Cricket is the boy that Lola loves. And he lives next door sometimes, but other times, he moves around. A lot. And the biggest part of their past that's brought up in the book is the last time Cricket moves away, and right before that when Lola falls in love with him, hard. When she was 15 years old.

Sounding familiar so far? Well, at the beginning of the book is when Cricket's family moves back from somewhere far away, after she fell in love with him, an entire two years later. When she's 17.

What? What's that you say? No, nobody wrote a book about my life. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK. I swear to God you guys, opening this book and reading it was like stepping into my own past.

So. You see why this book was hard for me to read?

And in addition to this: during the holidays, and New Years, for the first time in almost 3 years, I was thinking about Ricky Bobby. A lot.

You guys...this is so incredibly hard for me to admit. So humiliating for me to admit, in fact, that I almost didn't. I've been agonizing over whether to even write this entry. Still debating over whether or not to post it. (I probably will. I'll still be humiliated, though.)

Part of me is hoping that it's partly due to the holidays and such...I tend to get very nostalgic during this time of year. I was nostalgic and sad during Christmas 2013 too, but over entirely different people and for totally different reasons. So I was kinda hoping that it would just go away on its own.

Then I picked up this book with my giftcard I got for Christmas and started it. And got the reality ass-kicking of a lifetime.

To spoil how it ends (sorry), she and Cricket get their happy ending. And throughout their happy ending, all I could think about was how Ricky Bobby and I never had the chance for a happy ending.

This book brought up a whole mess of scary questions for me.

Lola took her chances and went for what she wanted. Why couldn't I have gone after what I wanted? Why was I not honest enough with myself to realize what I wanted in the first place? Cricket knew what he wanted, too. Did Ricky Bobby want me? And perhaps, by running away and breaking off contact with him because I was so scared of being hurt, did I hurt him? Was he going to tell me that he wanted me eventually, but I never gave him a chance? Did my own fear ruin my chances of having a first love?

The whole time I read this book, these questions consumed me. They chewed me up and spit me back out. To the point where I felt like the pressure was building up and up and up and I was going to explode.

In addition to all this, things with Brennan have come to an abrupt halt on my end. After a while of thought, I realized I definitely wasn't interested in him that way at all, and that he was really into me and I wasn't being fair. (Or that he's still into me. He still acts like he is, so...I don't know.) I'm trying to avoid the 'let's just be friends' talk with him for now, especially since we've had it before already and I don't enjoy confrontation. But I know that keeping quiet about it isn't good either.

But this entire thing has frustrated me all over again. Is the dating world supposed to be this hard? Some people make it look so easy. Dipping in and out of relationships with ease. Some being able to have nice, actual serious relationships. And here I am, me, who's never had anything work out enough to even have one single boyfriend. Is it me? Is it my fault?

So under all of this stress in my mind, I don't think I was in my right mind. And I did something.

I sent a friend request to Ricky Bobby on Facebook.

Honestly...I'm embarrassed. This is just like 5 years ago. Why am I constantly repeating myself? Going in circles?

I think I thought maybe that if I added him on Facebook, it would help calm the loud questions in my head, give me peace of mind. So I sent him a request, and he accepted the request, and for about a week afterwards, I felt better. I let it be, and I had some peace.

Until one night I made the mistake of letting curiosity get to me. And I went to look at his page.

Yep, I snooped. Like I was freaking 17 years old again. I think everyone does this on social networking sites, and I actually do this with other people too. But this time...felt different. It was like, from the beginning, I was purposely looking for something. Maybe that's why it felt wrong. (By the way...he's like...hairy. The face scruff has turned to almost a full blown beard now, and his hair on his head is super long. He's just...hairy.)

Maybe consciously, I didn't know what I was looking for. Scrolled through pics of him at his job, party pics, with almost zero emotion. But then abruptly, after I was scrolling for a while, my heart stopped and my breath caught. I'd found it.

Him and his ex. Lots and lots of pictures of him and his ex.

Pictures of them hugging, pictures of them with their faces squished together, pictures of him with his arm around her shoulders. Lots and lots of pictures.

And within all of those pictures, I found something else. Something scary. Terrifying.

I felt jealous.

I felt a jealousy so deep, so intense that my heart was pounding loud in my ears and my face was red and my hands were shaking. At the same time, I was trying to calm myself down. This reaction was crazy, I knew it. And I felt completely irrational.

And staring at those pictures, I could think of only one thing: 'That could've been me.' 

Where was this coming from suddenly? Was it just ghosts of old emotions, coming back to trick me? Or worse, were they current emotions, back strong and real and there? 

So, as frustrated as I was, the day after this happened, I had a long talk with my mom. And told her everything. About the book I was reading bringing up everything again, about me thinking about him again, about the ex pictures. Everything. And mind you, me and my mom talk about everything. I tell her everything that's on my mind, and during the holidays, I'd brought up Ricky Bobby to her at least 2 different times. But this time it was different.

"I think...I think I felt jealous over his ex." I told her after explaining the request getting accepted and all the pictures to her. "I don't want to be jealous, but it was uncontrollable." I told her that I kept thinking that his ex could've been me. "I couldn't help it, it just came over me and I don't know why."

And then my mom said something that was kind of devastating. "It's because you still have feelings for him."

I sat there, mouth agape. Because she said exactly what I'd been afraid of this entire time. And then I closed my eyes, put my hands over my eyes and started crying. "But it doesn't make any sense," I said. "I haven't seen him in over 4 years."

She said softly, "Emotions aren't supposed to make sense. Sometimes they don't."

I kept crying into my hands. "I feel like I'm crazy."

All she said was, "I know."

Yeah.

Internet............to be totally honest with you, my headspace has scared me lately. And my emotions have scared me lately. My head knows this is impossible, knows that 4 years is entirely too late to think this way, and that he's likely never thought of me once in the past couple of years. My head knows that reacting this way to a book is completely irrational and insane. My head knows that people change a lot in the space of 4 years; hell, I've changed so much that some people might find me unrecognizable compared to how I was/how I looked 4 years ago. My head knows that logically I don't even know him anymore.

But the emotional side of me keeps telling me, over and over, that what I felt for Ricky Bobby was special. And rare. And the more I get older, the harder it will be for me to find it. Maybe I might never find it again.

And increasingly, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for never letting myself fully realize how I really felt about him. I'm angry at myself for being afraid of taking a freaking chance, for once in my life, and going for something even though it could've ended in utter failure.

Say the Noodles & Co scenario happened now, would I have taken the risk? Absolutely. I would have called Johnny, asked to hang out with him and Ricky Bobby soon, and taken the initiative. I would have finally, finally, told him how I felt about him. I have more confidence and self esteem now than I did then, so it makes sense. But I wish I would have back then anyway, even if he had rejected me again. At least I would have had closure.

Because that's what I think this is. I never had proper closure with Ricky Bobby.

And all this time, I was willfully pushing him to the back of my mind and distracting myself with other things instead of truly dealing with things and truly moving on. Instead of running away. When I still had time, and before it was too late. Before he got back together with the girl he almost dated in Pennsylvania before he moved back, and started a long distance relationship with her.

From what I can tell, they dated from the start of 2012 and broke up late 2013. If he dated anyone since then, I don't know. But I remember thinking how ironic it was that he almost dated someone there before he moved back here, thinking that that could've been me. And then looking at all their couple pictures now, and thinking the same thing.

What kills me the most is thinking that maybe probably the biggest difference between me and her was that she was braver. More confident. Went after what she wanted, just like Lola.

And me? Frozen by fear. Just like with everything else in my life. Letting fear and pride get in the way of what I truly wanted.

So Internet...reaching this epiphany of mine of the past couple of weeks has been truly painful.

Before any of you worry, I won't be acting on this. I definitely won't. Not like I could anyway. Even though he lives in my state still, he still lives hours away, so I won't be running into him. Johnny and I aren't friends anymore. And I have a feeling that Ricky Bobby accepted my friend request out of pity, or because he accepts every friend request, so I won't be talking to him on there either. But at least my curiosity has been cured, so there's that.

Realistically, the only thing left to do now is to try and learn from all of this. I don't know if I'll ever feel about someone else the way I did about Ricky Bobby. But when I do, I hope I'll have the courage to act. Because acting is better than running away from it, which is infinitely worse.

These questions about him and I, and all of the what ifs, will probably haunt me forever. But that's my fault, and I have to deal with it. And I will. I just need time.

So for now, my foray into the dating world may be on halt again. After all, first I need to figure out what to do about Brennan.

Part of me thinks that maybe letting things fade into casual friendship might be the best thing--you know, instead of confrontation that could lead to a big blowout and never talking again. So that may be what I'll do. But if he does ask, then I'll tell him the truth and hope for the best.

And meanwhile, I'll be grudgingly preparing myself for the upcoming Single Awareness Day season. Ugh.

But I'll be all right, Internet. Just give me some time. Don't worry, okay? But for future reference, don't be like me. Be a Lola.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: books, brennan, facebook problems, fear, long posts are looong, love, past stuff, ricky bobby, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, scary stuff

Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME.

Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:

1. Ballet, unfortunately. When the time came to sign up for lessons, which was incidentally a few days after I wrote here last, something intriguing happened. When we called the number found on the dance studio's website, it rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. And no one ever picked up. Not even an answering machine. The next day, we tried again. No one picked up again. Days later, even though it was days after lessons were supposed to start, we tried calling again. No answer. Our guess is that maybe the studio closed and nobody took the website down, although it was admittedly strange because the 2012 lesson schedule was still up on it and everything, so it must have been very recent. Either way, that was disappointing. We tried looking for any other studios that had the same price range, but none of them were as affordable. So, no ballet for me.
2. The pet store job. You know it sucks because I was gonna write about how AWESOME I thought the interview went. As you guys can imagine, I was terrified, and at first it was slightly awkward, but my potential boss was super down to Earth and laid back, and she made me feel as comfortable as possible. Best part was: she showed me around the store and introduced me to the girls that worked there before the interview even started, and after the interview she had me talk to one of the employees and ask her any other questions I had about working there. Call me crazy, but that seemed pretty promising right there. Can you blame me for getting my hopes up? Sigh. But I digress. After the interview, I never heard from her again. I even did the follow-up email thing, the whole shebang. She didn't even bother replying to my email to tell me I didn't get the job. Just...never contacted me again. Not that I feel entitled or anything, but she could have at least told me if she wasn't going to hire me. I mean, common courtesy, right? But I didn't even get that. Geez. Mostly over it by now, I'm just embarrassed still I guess. Like...I must have really flopped that interview, or I don't make very good first impressions. Lol. But, yeah. Pretty disappointing. So, no pet store job for me.
3. Grocery store job. Two weeks after I'd sent the follow up email, and I realized that I probably was never going to get a reply, I decided to apply to the grocery store by my house. It was a last resort really, because I had considered the grocery store job before the pet store one, and after having the "great" interview for the pet store, the idea of working at the grocery store abhorred me. But after I realized I wasn't going to get the pet store job, I decided to get over my aversion to the grocery store and realized that having a job that I didn't like that much was better than no job at all. So after finding out that they were hiring for all positions, I applied online to the grocery store. Since then? No calls to make an interview, no contact at all. So, no grocery store job for me. (But, to be fair, I applied to be a courtesy clerk, aka a bagger girl, and I read somewhere that that job sometimes includes cleaning bathrooms. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.)
4. A tutoring job. Long story short, I met this nice Korean guy online (a university student) and we were talking for a while (about two weeks) when he suddenly asked me about minimum wage in America. I told him what minimum wage was in my state, and then he said that he would be willing to pay me more than minimum wage if I tutored him in English. It was totally out of the blue, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I thought about it for a few days and then realized how cool it would be. We planned some things, like how much he would pay me, how he would pay me (through Paypal), when we would meet (on the weekends, during a time that worked well for both of us), and when we would start. It actually felt like I was actually about to do something, something that would be fulfilling and scary but also something I would learn from, and then--the weekend we were supposed to start, he postponed. Said he had a family thing. Okay, I thought. That's no big deal at all, perfectly understandable. Plus, I was injured, so it worked out for the best (more on that in a second.) He asked if we could postpone until the next week, and I said yes, of course. The weekend after? Didn't hear from him. This weekend? Didn't hear from him. I messaged him two days ago, asking him if he was all right and if he still wanted to do this. No response. So, I guess that's not happening either. I get that maybe he just lost nerve and decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and that's fine. I just wish he'd tell me.

Labels: ballet, dreams, facebook problems, halloween, ricky bobby, work

present me past me