May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
November 2012
December 2012
March 2013
June 2013
August 2013
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
September 2014
December 2014
January 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
August 2015
October 2015
December 2015
January 2016
February 2016
April 2016
May 2016
June 2016
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
September 2017
December 2018

Internet, I missed you. Sorry, this is gonna be a long one.

I just finished finals week last Friday. I studied my butt off for all of them, and I did pretty awesome, if I say so myself. (Funny how last year this time, I would've been content with anything better than an F on Finals, and this year I made sure I got anything higher than a C. A lot can happen in a year.)

It's still hard for me to believe that I'm done with my Sophomore year, just like that. I had some highs and lows, mostly in first semester, but for the most part, it went by pretty fast. Probably because I didn't have to deal with the daily drama and boy drama constantly. Not to say I didn't miss that sometimes, though. But hey, at least I lived it vicariously through my friend's drama. That way's easier to deal with, anyway.

I'm so relieved it's summertime. There had been so many things on my mind lately, and it was starting to distract me from school. Plus, waking up in the morning was beginning to get old. Heck, it had already been old by the time Spring Break came. But, when I think about it, it feels like just yesterday, summer was coming to an end and all of my friends were talking about their first day of school.

I don't feel proud admitting this, but it feels like I've been watching the entire world from my bedroom window these past 9 months. Looking back over these past few months, all I can remember is watching the sun rise in the morning and fall in the evening, watching the leaves fall off the trees and watching the first snow, then watching the snow melt and the leaves return. I briefly remember blips of things that were different, like Trick or Treating with my baby cousin on Halloween, or making my hair curly for Christmas, or walking to the park near my house with Jazz only on one occasion.

You learn a lot about yourself when you're alone all the time, and sometimes you'll learn redeeming qualities, and other times you'll learn annoying ones. I'm grateful for that part. But at the same time, I feel like while I was learning enriching things, I was missing out on others.

This summer, my parents have promised to sign me up for driving school (along with another Geometry semester I might have to take over the summer, long story) and take me driving, so I can eventually get my license. Let's hope that they'll keep this promise, Internet.

Also, when Best Friend Rose and Jazz get out of school at the end of this week, I'm sure my first few weeks of summer will be swamped. This weekend, I'm already going to Rose's sisters graduation and graduation party, not the one with the kid, but the one who's a senior. What's her nickname again? Laura, I think.

And me and Jazz already planned to have a sleepover as soon as we're both out, and we're both going to dye our hair in celebration of summer (Jazz blue, me purple!). And I plan on walking more places this summer, too. I've been working on being healthier lately, like eating less junk and actually exercising. Just because I can't drive yet doesn't mean I can't leave the house. Walking places won't kill me.

So, here's to a fantastic, amazing summer. And here's to you, Internet, for listening to my anonymous problems and tolerating me.

BUT WAIT. Before I end this entry: remember the whole Ricky Bobby spiel I was going on about last entry?! (Which, by the way, I forgot to mention that the picture I used with that entry isn't him. It's Alex Gaskarth, the lead singer of All Time Low. Sorry! If it were him, though, I would've at least blurred his face or something. Hahaha.)

Okay. Well, the past month, my mind has been CHAOS. My thoughts have been something like this: "Finals, finals, test, essay, finals...hair...Ricky Bobby moving back...no, don't think about that...finals, k-pop bands, finals...Ricky Bobby's band--NO...tests, study, study...hair, exercise...RICKY BOBBY...NO, STOP...HAIR FINALS STUDY AHHHHH."

I've been trying to keep the whole thing about Ricky Bobby from bothering me, but it so is. I just can't stop thinking about it. And with my wild imagination, I keep thinking of all these annoying scenarios, too.

It sucks. A lot. And it's happening too much. I'm starting to think that I'm losing it. I really am. Seriously.

It's not that I specifically want to be with him or anything (like I kind of said last entry). No, not at all. Again, still liking him after he moved away 2 years ago would be super creepy. Especially since we haven't actually spoken in about a year now.

But I just can't stop thinking about what would happen. Would it be this awkward, expectant reunion where we're both just waiting for each other to do something? Would we both ignore each other, pretending none of it ever happened? Would he avoid me and not want to be around me because of this notion that mysteriously appeared in my mind that he thinks I'm some sort of stalker (yeah, not sure where this one came from. Paranoid?). Would he welcome me with one of his bear hugs and ask me how I've been? There was another ridiculous scenario that I thought up, but I'll do you a favor and keep it to myself. It's a bit out there, in the cheesy romance novel range.

And I may or may not have been semi-hovering over his Facebook page since I found it...what? Oh come on, Internet. You know me. I've been agonizing over whether or not I should add him as a friend. After all, I'm almost positive that sometime early last year, I had sent him a friend request, and if said request was sent, then it would have to have been denied, obviously, because we're not friends now.

SO, if he rejected my friend request, I shouldn't send another one, right? I mean, since he rejected it in the first place, that means he'll just reject it again, right?? And why put myself through that again, right???

I mean, I could be just imagining the whole thing, and I didn't even send one last year in the first place, and I could be just freaking myself out over nothing.
But, I happened to notice that my friend Kelly is a mutual friend of ours on Facebook. Kelly(not her real name)!! She came to the school after he left! So there's no way he could possibly know her!! So, you're telling me that he'll be Facebook friends--which is not even a big deal--with Kelly, a few other kids from my school he's never met, a Korean exchange student, AND his ex with whom he's not even on good terms with right now, but not with me?? What the hell is up with that?? Huh? HUH???!?!?!?

....ahem. Well. You see my point, then.

This is exactly why I'm losing my mind over this. You guys know me. I over analyze and think too much and get myself into these messes. This is not a big deal. At all. It's Facebook, it's nothing. A rejected friend request is nothing.

So why does it seem to sting so much? The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. The reason of why it shouldn't be a big deal is what pisses me off so much. It's a friend request. It shouldn't be a big deal. So, if it's so meaningless, why did he reject it? If he adds everyone from his old school and his new school on Facebook, plus the kids that go to his old school that he's never even met, why was I the only one he rejected? It's like a slap in the face.

I feel like I'm in eighth grade again, and he's seemingly toying with me and pulling me behind him by my strings just to push me over the edge of a cliff, turning out in the end that he was completely oblivious that I was even dragging behind him.

With the summer comes better weather, and better weather means I can go outside more often. I think leaving the house will free my thoughts a little more, and hopefully this will pass soon. Hopefully all this was just a product of end-of-the-school year-antsy-ness and boredom.

Right now, I just need to enjoy the start of my summer and get away from these thoughts, they're dragging me down.

Here's to the summer ahead,

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby, summer

present

past