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a tenth. a first. and a goodbye.}
Sunday, December 2, 2018 | 9:19 PM | 2Comment




To my beloved Internet,

It has been long. Much too long. How I've missed you.

I have started and stopped several entries before this one. I never posted them because they didn't feel quite right. And just as well, I've been so swamped with my fiction writing this year (a revision on one of my novels that resulted in axing 50k words from it, work on another novel I started in '16, and finishing a whole novella!) that I felt like I couldn't dedicate enough time to writing a nice update for you all.

Also, at some point, there was so much happening that I didn't feel like I could adequately write about it all. But, as always, there is the ever-famous bulletpoint entry. So let me sum it up for you:


  • In March of this year, I entered my 25th year around the sun. Many confusing, exciting things have happened in my 25th year, but I've enjoyed 25. 25 is nice, and so far, much nicer than being 24.
  • In May of this year, this blog turned 10 years old. An entire decade of being your ridiculous, overly-sensitive, one-and-only Hopeless Romantic.
  • I continued working at my job, and I continued loving it, as well as being able to experience wonderful opportunities for my resume, as well as wonderful life experiences.
  • I started going to the movies by myself, and it turned into one of my favorite new hobbies. Turns out I'm a bit of a movie junkie, and I enjoy watching them the most when I'm alone, but with a group of other movie junkies who watch movies the same way I do--silently. Ahh, sweet silence.
  • I started seeing someone, who then became my very first boyfriend.


Huh. Sooo...where to begin?

Kidding. I know you guys are DYING to hear me dish on this guy who became my first ever boyfriend. Me. Hopeless Romantic, in the year of 2018, AND A FIRST BOYFRIEND. 

FINALLY.










Now, before you all celebrate, let me stop you right there: it's not Brennan. And it didn't end well.

But, well, seeing as he was my first boyfriend, and most people have their first boyfriend/girlfriend in like...middle school, sometimes high school? Yeah. Usually that does not work out so well. And in this case, it didn't.

But let me start at the beginning. Let's call him Jon.

Now, after the whole Brennan ordeal of late last year, I ended up confronting him. I told him up front that I had felt taken advantage of, and used, and that it didn't fly with me. I told him I take my own feelings very seriously, and that I need someone who takes me seriously as well. I told him that I'll be his friend, but if he can't handle being JUST straight-forward, platonic friends, then he needed to stay away from me.

He ended up responding with this whole rant about how sorry he was for treating me that way, and how he didn't even know what he wanted or what he was doing with his life, and honestly it was pretty sad. It was through this that I realized how hard this breakup of his had been on him, way more than he had initially made it seem.

Frankly, after all of that, it put me off of Brennan for good, and I left him alone. Aside from him sending me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year texts, we mostly stopped speaking--which, after the way he had treated me, I was glad for. Immediately following, I signed up for Bumble, wanting to move on ASAP.

Nothing came of Bumble for several weeks afterward. For a little bit, I was talking to this guy from there who Super Liked me, who ended up coming on WAY TOO STRONG and made me super uncomfortable 95% of the time. 

Nothing came of it for months, and I was feeling so weary of the whole dating scene that I was planning on deleting the app.

But when I sat down to delete my account in June, I decided I might take one last swipe-through, just in case. 

So I was swiping. Swiping, and swiping, and swiping. Losing my faith in humanity and swiping. Feeling my soul die and swiping.

Then finally, miracle of miracles, I find a guy's profile that interests me. Just to see, I swipe right. We immediately match.

The guy? Jon.

I send the opening message, telling him he's handsome and making a comment about something he'd written on his profile. He immediately messages back, super friendly, we talk for a bit. He asks me out to a movie for the next weekend, I say yes. Success.










Now, when we meet in person for the first time, it's a little weird. He's kind of quiet, he's obviously very nervous. I was nervous too, but after seeing him, he was much more nervous than I was. I try my best to be friendly to make him feel at ease, and we go in for the movie.

His laughter during the movie is high-pitched and it alarms me, but it's kind of hilarious. The unashamed, loud way that he laughs is disarming, and shows me that he doesn't care what others think. It warms me to him.

After the movie, I ask if he would like to get coffee at my favorite cafe by the movie theater that plays k-pop videos. He says yes.

He pays for my coffee, and we get to know each other a bit. He seems to have trouble looking directly at me, but he still seems nervous, so I give him the benefit of the doubt. (I found out later that he spent our entire first date absolutely terrified. Poor guy.) He lived in Japan for much of his adolescent years, but he says he likes it in America better. He complains about the trains in Japan, and it endears me to him. He lived a whole life growing up that I could never even imagine, and I want to know more.









So I say yes to date two, brunch at a hole-in-the-wall place downtown. He's a bit warmer this time, more comfortable. We talk about all our favorite movies, and our favorite music. I notice the tattoo on his forearm: the solar system. I love space. And now I like him even more.

Date three: Watching Harry Potter movies at his place. I was hesitant about going over to his apartment--I had never been to a man's apartment before. But I said yes, trying to take a step outside of my comfort zone.

He sensed that I was uncomfortable, and as we watched Chamber of Secrets, he only holds my hand. Fingers laced. I'm on cloud nine.






After date 5--a day trip to the mall, where he bought some things for me as a gift--when we watched a Japanese reality show on Netflix, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I cried, and I said yes. And when we left his place a couple of hours later so that he could drive me home, there was a double rainbow across the sky.

It felt like a sign. A wonderful gift just for me, from the universe.

That day made me so happy. It was wonderful, now knowing that these things could happen to me. I thought I was defective. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was the only one who would never experience that kind of happiness.

I now know that it's possible.






Unfortunately, after that, things steadily went downhill.

We still did fun things. We went to movies, talked on the phone, went out to eat, sat in his car for hours just talking and watching funny videos on each other's phones. Those parts were great. Those were the things I had always wanted, and never thought I deserved. 

I'll cherish those firsts for a long time. Maybe forever.

But sometimes he would ignore my boundaries--my personal boundaries as well as my relationship boundaries. At first I thought it was a mistake, and made excuses for him. I would restate them again and again, reminding him. He would say 'okay' and nod like he understood, and then he would bulldoze past them all over again. This happened so many times that it felt like I was losing my mind.

It happened so many times that when he told me that he loved me, it didn't feel like he meant it.

He said 'I love you' to me after 1 month of being official, after changing our relationship statuses on Facebook.

He said it right after I told him, repeatedly, that I wasn't ready for sex, and tried to force me to do it anyway.

I didn't say it back, Internet. Because the moment he said this to me, after the way he had treated me before in that confusing, unsettling moment, I knew I didn't love him.

Because I could never love someone who wouldn't treat me with the utmost respect. I thought he respected me--he opened doors for me, held hands with me in public, drove me home, and he told me he respected me. I thought that was enough. 

But other times he would shove his tongue down my throat like he was getting paid $200 a minute to do it. Other times, when I told him I was having a bad depression or anxiety day, he would ignore my need for space. And he would whine and guilt trip me when I said I wasn't ready to sleep with him. And when he wasn't whining and guilting me, he was groping me. 

At first it just began to annoy me. Then it began to anger and sicken me. We even began fighting about it. One of the last times I called him out on it, I got really angry. I thought we had settled this discussion the time before, and I was tired of feeling unheard. He swore up and down that he wouldn't do it again, and that he was sorry, and that he'd do better. He blamed his stress on it, and that he didn't mean to upset me. Little did he know, that final time we fought over it, I decided it would be the last time.

A lack of respect is not love.

We spent so much time angsting over this in the end that he barely know who I was.

Maybe Jon truly did love me, or who he wanted me to be. Maybe he still does. Or maybe he just said it so I'd sleep with him.

Either way, my mental health was suffering. The moment I realized I wasn't happy anymore, I wanted out. I needed to end it.






The worst part was that he was away on a trip and wouldn't be back for weeks. And I'm not some asshole who breaks up with someone over the phone. So for weeks, I stewed in misery, waiting for him to return from his trip so I could break it off.

I felt terrible about it. I knew that it would be awful for him to be dumped right after returning from a trip. But I also knew it would be worse, nay, cowardly to dump him over phone call or text while he was gone. It would've been downright cruel. So I did what I had to do.

He had told me once that one of his exes had dumped him over text, out of the blue, without even saying why. So I did the opposite of that.

When he returned from his trip, we went out. In person, sitting outside at a cafe, I told him exactly why I was breaking up with him. And I cried more than I thought I would, though admittedly I have gotten over it pretty fast, 3 months later.

Aside from the boundaries issue (which is unacceptable) and the not listening thing (he was the WORST LISTENER.), what it truly came down to was incompatibility.

He needs someone who wants to screw like bunnies all the time, and who doesn't mind someone who's a bit clingy.

I need someone who listens to me, and who respects me, first of all. But most of all, I want someone that I love.

Because when it came down to it, Jon was not right for me in several ways. I liked how attentive he was in the beginning, how sweet and thoughtful he was. But it changed so quickly, and he showed this other side of him, which I couldn't stand so much that he became unattractive to me. He became so unattractive to me that I knew I could never, under any circumstances, fall in love with him.

I need someone that I love.

And I know what love feels like because I have loved someone before.








With Ricky Bobby, I saw all of his flaws. I knew who he was, and what all of his weaknesses were. None of them mattered. Because down to my very soul, I loved him

I loved him. And as I said three years ago, I may always love him.

I swore I would never blog about him again. But on this tenth year of this blog, I can't help but bring it all back to the knucklehead that made me start this whole thing in the first place.

For years, I've wondered. Wondered if I'll even love someone else.

Thanks to Jon, I know I can.

For a little while, I thought I was on my way to loving Jon. Perhaps I was close. Before that whole incompatibility thing reared its ugly head.

And because of him, despite how it ended, I know now that someone can love me. That I'm not just this unloveable sad sack of a human, the one who cried herself to sleep in high school, thinking no one could ever love her.

I know I can be loved. I know now.









How long have you known me, Internet?

Have you been with me for all TEN years? In that case, wow. Thanks for sticking around.

Has it been a shorter time than that? Even then, wow. Thanks for being an anonymous friend in this lonely wide world.

For ten years, this blog was my sanctuary. It's been the place where I air my deepest thoughts, as loudly and as boldly as I want. I spent my formative years pouring my soul into the words on this diary, where strangers could either read them and identify, or read and be entertained.

I owe so much to this little space right here. This little corner of the Internet has meant the world.

But I'm sure that many of you, if there are much of you left, have noticed my increased absence in recent years. I would be surprised if anyone was reading this right now, in fact.

It's not that I've lost the drive to write. It's that I've channeled all of my energy and all of my soul into my fictional works. The more I gave to my characters, the less concerned I was about my love life, and the less self-absorbed I was.

And the more I've poured into my stories, the less energy I had for dissecting my own life and spreading it into words on the Internet, for the whole world to see.

My stories have grown into books. Books, plural. That I want to publish one day. And most of all, this year, I have been seeking a literary agent to represent my work. To find a publishing house so that those words might become real books one day.

This blog has been so much of my heart for so long.

And that's why I'm turning it into what I love most in this world: a book.









Of course, it won't be a memoir. I'll rearrange some things, pick better changed names, make some things more interesting (i.e.: FICTIONAL.). And of course, give it a happy ending, as my favorite kind of fiction deserves.

As for this blog, and for you all, I wish I could give you a happy ending.

I wish I could've come back with a bombastic, final blog entry in the form of AND THEN I FELL MADLY IN LOVE WITH JON AND HE PROPOSED TO ME AND WE GOT MARRIED AND BOUGHT A HOUSE AND NOW WE'RE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END.

God, I wish I could've. More than anything.

But the sad fact of real life is that it's not as interesting as books. Things don't normally get happy endings. If they get endings at all, a lot of times they're anticlimactic and full of loose ends. Sometimes the endings are sad and tragic.

I think if I had eventually abandoned this blog, just up and left it without another word, that would've been the tragic ending.

So I thought: if I give this an ending, let it be like most of life: anticlimactic, same as always, and maybe a little boring. (Aside from me finally filling you in on that first boyfriend thing, months later.)

Because God forbid, Internet, that I end this epic love story with you with a tragedy.

To those left out there who have read my words, read my life, and have stuck with me, this is where we say our goodbyes. I've always been terrible at goodbyes.

This ride has been wonderful. And I wouldn't have wanted to spend it anywhere else. I may not have found love in Jon, or in anyone after Ricky Bobby (so far), but I sure found it in myself, and in you.







When I finish this book loosely based upon this hopeless romance life of mine, I'll likely delete this blog from the face of the websphere. I hope that enough of you see this final entry before I do, but don't worry, that may be awhile. (But just in case, if you wish to download an archive of my entries, or copy-and-paste or screenshot them, or what have you, I would do it ASAP.)

If 'The Life of a Hopeless Romantic' (title pending) appears on the YA shelves of a bookstore one day, I hope that some of you might recognize me there and pick me up to live on your bookshelves, so that you won't forget me.

Because I certainly won't forget any of you.

I love you. Adieu. The end.

And, for one last time: Happy Holidays, and happy New Year. Take care of yourselves, Internet. May your lives be full of love. And show love to one another, even if it's hard to find for yourself.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Forever,
Your Hopeless Romantic


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on the dangers of nostalgia.}
Tuesday, July 21, 2015 | 11:23 PM | 0Comment

So, Internet. Ricky Bobby.

It's been a little while since I posted my painfully honest, really humbling and terrifying letter.

Writing that letter, along with the totally raw post I made in January (where I basically finally admitted to myself and to you guys where my mental state was in high school when he moved back), honestly...it felt like ripping back open old wounds. It was that painful for me.

And yet, they were completely necessary. I don't know why it took me nearly 5 years to be able to do it, but I'm glad that I eventually arrived there. Late honesty is at least better than holding onto the lie.

In the months since writing it, I have very slowly began to feel better about all of these regrets. And even though in the end, I decided not to send the letter to him, just getting it there--out in existence, out of my brain--relieved some of the worries and upset about it.

So. These past few months, I've been going about my business. Taking things day by day, focusing on my health, writing my ass off (if you follow me on Twitter, you'll know what I mean).

This month, I've been preoccupied with writing a lot and also pre-friends'-wedding-jitters (why was I so nervous? It wasn't even my wedding! Sheesh!) So I had barely enough time to think about anything else.

But.

The day before Jazz's birthday, it was Ricky Bobby's birthday.

I got the notification for it, right there on Facebook. And to be honest, I already knew about it. I mean...of course I would remember his birthday.

After talking about it with one of my friends (the same friend that advised against me sending the letter), we decided an innocent birthday wall post couldn't hurt. Everyone does that, right? Even if you're not close to that person anymore, it's still nice to wish them happy birthday. I do that for some people I haven't even talked to in years. Some people I went to school with did that for me too, and I didn't find it strange or awkward, I actually thought it was nice.

So. After a small period of panic, typing, backspacing, typing, backspacing again, looking at his FB page and sweating profusely, and typing again, I finally decided to post on his wall.

It was small, unassuming, unimposing, polite. "happy birthday, ricky bobby! i hope you've been doing well."

That's all.

No, "happy birtHDAYI'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A BITCH TO YOU".

No, "happy birthday!!!! god I really miss you sometimes!!!! I've been thinking about you for months!!!!!!!! Sometimes I think about you for so long that I send myself into an absolutely miserable downward spiral!!!!!!!!!! Why the hell didn't I date you?!?! HOPE UR GOOD".

No, "happy bir--did you ever actually like me, at any point?? Or were you even interested in me that way??? Did I ruin my chances with you??? Did I make you hate me forever???? Do you not even give a single shit about me anymore???????"

Nope.

Even though I strongly want to say all of those things to him, it's hit me now that I may never will. And you know what? Maybe I'll just have to live with that. Maybe I wouldn't want to know the response to those things, anyway.

So, I'm sure you want to know how he responded.

He didn't.

Looking at Ricky Bobby's history with social media websites and how he uses them, this wasn't a surprise to me. No reply, not even a like.

It stung a little bit, but you know what? Maybe in a way, that was an answer to all of the questions that plagued my mind the past half a year.

Not responding to my mild attempt at social courtesy, to which other people would probably at least respond with a like(which says yes, I see your reaching out to me, and I appreciate it)...somehow, no response said more than a polite response would have ever said.

If he had even liked that I reached out to him, he would have responded in some way, right? So maybe he didn't like that wall post of mine. Maybe he didn't like that I was speaking to him for the first time in 4 years after blocking him, unblocking him and adding him as a friend again and acting like nothing ever happened. Completely understandable and justified that he would feel that way. It's not that I was even expecting a particularly warm response, either, after the way that I acted.

It's clear that my reaching out was unwelcome. And somehow, finding out this way is easier to take.

Imagine if I actually had sent that letter to him. Imagine the response that would have gotten.
To be truthful, if it had received no response at all, like this had, it would have been like a stab in an old scar for me. It would've felt like one gigantic, final, end-all-be-all rejection of my heart and everything that I felt for him, balled up and thrown in the trash like my letter probably would have been.

So, that's it now. It's time to stop. No more.

I had my regrets, worries, and fears, and for the most part, they've all been answered now. It's time I move on for real now. For good.

He'll become a part of my past that I stop revisiting, a Facebook friend I never talk to anymore, just keep them in my friend's list for the sake of knowing how they're doing. That's enough for me now, just knowing he's doing okay.

I need to stop revisiting him, need to stop trying to bring him back into my life when it's clear that he's not meant to be there anymore. And that's perfectly all right. That's what happens when you grow up.

Maybe Ricky Bobby was my first (unrequited) love. I created this entire blog that testifies to that very possibility.

People don't always get together with or stay together with their first loves, I'd say they rarely ever do. But people do get over their first loves. Maybe it takes them years and years and years, but they do eventually. Maybe they'll always have a teeny tiny piece of their heart. Maybe Ricky Bobby will always be unknowingly carrying around a tiny piece of my heart with him. That's okay.

And that doesn't mean I need to be with him. I never will be with him. And that's okay, too. I realize that now.

These last endless months of dangerous nostalgic feelings may have partly been so severe because, with the wedding of one of my closest friends, now more than ever I have had to face the fact that my life is different now.
I am not the same girl I was in high school, though I may feel that way sometimes. I've changed in so many ways, and the people I used to know have too. Their personalities, their wants, their needs, their entire lives. And so has mine.

The Ricky Bobby I used to know, the Ricky Bobby of my lovely, cherished memories, is gone now. Living his new life. Wanting different things than 8th grade and 11th grade Ricky Bobby wanted. And the 11th grade Sarah of his memories, if he ever stops to revisit them, is gone too.

It's time to live my new life, too. Without getting dragged back by nostalgia and all my memories. I can still cherish the memories, but I need to leave them in the past for good now. Where they belong.



One more thing I want to write down, before I stop blogging about Ricky Bobby for a very long time, possibly (and hopefully) forever, is this:

During these months of self inflicted, nostalgia fueled torment, I decided to revisit Ricky Bobby's old band in high school, the one he was lead singer of before he moved back to my state and they replaced him with another singer.

Well. Wouldn't you know it, Internet. They were signed to a major indie label, and they're becoming popular. Popular as in, SXSW performances two years in a row, touring worldwide, performance at a big music festival in New York this year with huge mainstream artists, interviews with Rolling Stone, along with raving Rolling Stone reviews, interviews in Interview mag, Nylon mag, performances on late night talk shows on TV--that popular.

Yeah. I KNOW. Crazy, right??

They're certainly quite the sensation (I can't name them, for the sake of protecting identities and all that), and the lead singer they replaced Ricky Bobby with is certainly talented, especially for his age. (Though he sounds just like a few other bluegrass/soul influenced rock vocalists of the same genre...just my opinion, though.) But when I was catching up on this band, upon visiting their Wikipedia page...I noticed something. You know that 'past members' section that a lot of bands have on their Wiki page, if they have any past members of the group? They had only one past member listed there, one of the original members that formed the group in high school. And no Ricky Bobby.

I also noticed that in their interviews, when they talked about the formation of the band, they never mentioned him, either. Never even mention that the band had an old singer.

I specifically remember them crediting Ricky Bobby as an old member on their (now gone) Myspace Music page and their Facebook page a while ago. Now they don't. They don't even have record of their old songs with his voice in them, no online proof that they ever even existed (though that may have something to do with copyrights and record label stuff).

Now. Honestly, Internet. If I was a part of a band at some point, even a really successful band, as they're becoming...I would want that credit. Even if it were just a couple words. An acknowledgement that I was a part of that band and I had a hand in creating it. And it seemed wrong to me that they weren't doing that for him anymore, especially when he deserved it.

So. Call me crazy, go on ahead. But I decided to do something about it.

Their official Facebook and website I couldn't do anything about, but their Wikipedia page, I could. So I did. On the spot, I made a Wikipedia account, with some random username that I would never use ever again, and I edited that Wiki page.

I added Ricky Bobby's name to that Wiki page under 'Past Members'. Where he deserved to be. And if anyone every takes it off, I'll put it back on again.

For me, it was...I don't know. The last nice thing I could do for Ricky Bobby, even though he'll never know that it was me. Something nice that I could do after the way that I treated him. A permanent mark on the Internet, symbolizing the permanent mark he left in my life.

Or even an official goodbye, the one we never got to have.

This is it, Internet. This is my goodbye to Ricky Bobby. For real this time.



Speaking of goodbyes and movings on, and non Ricky Bobby things, here's someone I haven't talked about in a while: Brennan.

So, last week, for the first time in a while, I got a snapchat from him. (Thankfully not of his cat this time. Did I talk about his cat snapchats here? I swear, there was at least 3 every week for 2 months straight.) I was surprised to see it, especially since after my icing out of him, he seemed to have finally given up.

After seeing that he also kept looking at all of my Snapchat stories, I decided to snoop around to see how he was doing lately.

We're not Facebook friends, but since we have a mutual friend (a girl I went to elementary school with), he shows up in my recommended friends all the time. So I snoop his page, and guess what?

Brennan has a girlfriend.

Yup.

He moved on pretty fast. It seems to have been pretty recent (they weren't dating earlier this year) and deciding to be creepy, I went onto her FB page to snoop. She's cute, and seems nice. Is a super anime fan like he is (cosplays and everything) and is a gamer as well. And together, they take super cute dates to the zoo and to parks and other super duper cute shit.

Not going to lie to you, Internet, I was a teeny bit jealous at first. And then I remembered that it was me who didn't want to date him in the first place, and me who wasn't even attracted to him, and me who ignored all his invitations to hang and all his friendly messages and cute (and ok, excessive) cat snapchats like an ice cold bitch.

I was just salty at first because how many freaking times does this make now that I almost date someone and then they turn around date someone else right after me?? But this time it is 100% my fault, which I acknowledge and fully own up to, so I digress.

So, getting over my petty jealousy, I decided I was happy for him for finding a nice girl. Who didn't ignore him, like me. Who clearly had more in common with him than me.

Congrats, Brennan and Girlfriend. Have a nice relationship. I promise I'll keep my bitter jealousy far away from the both of you.

So, Internet, I'll be over here, continuing to write my ass off, finishing this 31 day writing challenge, and moving on with my life. I'm very slowly starting to learn how that works.

Wish me luck.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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[!!!]EMERGENCY SIDE NOTE ON LAST ENTRY.}
Wednesday, May 13, 2015 | 11:28 PM | 1Comment

SOS. SOS. SOS.

I don't know if it's my sleeping pill I just took, or the weariness and restlessness I feel from thinking about all of this for months...

...but. Internet. I think I'm finally willing to take the biggest risk I've ever taken in my whole life.

I'm asking you guys out there, any of you that still read my blog: should I send it?

Should I send the letter?

Should I risk humiliation, vulnerability, a loss of pride and security and years of carefulness and send this letter to Ricky Bobby?

I've never ever ever taken a risk like this before, not with anybody. But I want closure so bad I could cry. After 7 whole years, I want so badly to move on. To get all of this out of me so I can move on with my life. Finally.

Even if he laughs in my face. Even if he shows the world how clingy and desperate and obsessive I look. I have to move on. Somehow. And this may be the only way I can.

Internet. Should I do it? Give me an answer. Please. Any answer. Help me decide if I should or if I'm being totally theatrical and insane like I can be some times.

Be honest with me. Please. Should I do it?

Help.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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letter to ricky bobby: 2015 edition. (secret #9)}
| 11:19 PM | 0Comment

Dear Ricky Bobby,

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I want to say that I hope you've been okay. Life can really be cruel sometimes, but I hope that it's been mostly kind to you, and that all of the good outweighs the bad.

You may be wondering why I wrote this letter to you after not speaking to or even seeing you for so long. I'm not good at expressing myself face to face, and I'm a better speaker in writing, so this is the easiest way for me to say important things. I have a few apologies to make to you. In truth, I should have written this letter years ago, but I was so caught up in the lies I told myself that I couldn't admit to what was true.
I'm gonna try not to sound overly formal with this whole letter, but that's kinda hard for me at times. Also, a lot of this has been building up inside of me for the past few months now, so I kind of have a lot to say.

None of this is easy for me to talk about at all, but I think it's important that I do. Don't feel pressured to reply to this, you really don't have to. I'll be honest and say that this letter is mostly for me to get stuff off my chest. So no worries, ok?

I've been thinking about some things over the past half year or so, while trying to be honest with myself, and I've realized a thing or two.

Firstly, I'm sorry that I never told you, to your face, that I was in love with you. You heard from plenty of other people, hell, from every other person in the world besides me. And that wasn't fair of me. So many things got misconstrued that way, and I believe that my feelings for you were interpreted wrongly sometimes. You weren't just some crush to me, Ricky Bobby, and you deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that they're special to somebody. I'm sorry I never mustered up the courage to tell you, even when I really, really wanted to. Like when you were moving away and I was saying goodbye to you, and like when you came back and we were alone one or two times and I had all the opportunity to.

Second, I'm sorry I was afraid. Back in the 8th grade, I had super low self esteem. In high school, it improved slightly, but I was still insecure and really afraid of rejection. I was still growing as a person in a lot of ways, and I don't think that I was ready to go out with anybody then.

And when you moved back, I realized that I still had feelings for you. After trying a whole 2 years to forget about you and move on, that terrified me. It terrified me even more that we hung out at those football games and my feelings were stronger than ever. I was hoping that when you moved back, I would show you that I was over you and you weren't a big deal to me anymore, and that's not what happened. I was scared of the direction things maybe might have been heading in(or probably might not have been, to this day I'm still not completely sure either way. I never really could figure you out, and I mean that as a compliment.) and I knew that in the future, if you were to show any sort of interest in me in return, I wouldn't have been able to hide my feelings anymore, which meant that I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry I was so prideful.

So, I kind of pushed you and Johnny away. I avoided you, hoping that if I pretended that you didn't exist and pretended that you meant nothing to me, it would be easier to move on. For this immaturity, I'm also sorry.

It sort of worked for a little while. That is, until I logged onto Facebook one day, saw that you were dating someone, got super jealous and blocked you. Really sorry for that. It was bitchy, I know. But I figured you wouldn't notice, and to be fair, I don't think you did. Even if you didn't, though, I still feel guilty about it. But after you had been blocked for a while, it was easier to keep you off my mind. It also helped the jealousy stay away. For a long while, it felt like I really had moved on.

But eventually, my immaturity came back and bit me in the ass. I only just recently got the courage to unblock you and add you as a friend again. I'm over my blocking phase on Facebook now, so there'll be no more blocking now, I promise.

I lied to myself for a long time about my feelings for you. I think the seriousness of my feelings scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with those kinds of feelings, and confront them in a healthy way, and so I pushed them away. In the end, that only hurt me more, and now I'm left with these residual regrets years later. I'll probably always regret the way I handled things between us, and that's why I've written this.

I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to be more honest with myself than I was in the past. It's a little hard, but it's been helping me realize some things about my past and about myself. I think coming to terms with things in my life will partly come with being honest with myself and with others, and being less of a goddamn coward. Haha. I'm still working on it, but I'm doing pretty okay so far.

One last thing I want to say is that at some point, you meant a whole lot to me. It's hard to explain why when I don't even know why myself. You were the first guy I ever had really strong feelings for. I know you didn't realize it, but for me, my 8th grade year was hell. Even just waking up in the morning every day was hard, but seeing you everyday at school made it just a little bit easier. It gave me a reason to show up at school and smile and keep trying. For that, thank you. Regardless of how old I get, I'll never forget that. I hope you don't forget that either.

Because this letter is getting to be too long, I guess I'll end it here. I felt like I couldn't go my entire life without saying any of those things to you, I think I owed it to both of us to say it all. Hope it didn't weird you out.

I wish you happiness and love and health and everything that you deserve.

Always,

Sarah

((Sequel entry to this original dramatic emo entry.))

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how do emotions work, anyway? (scary epiphanies are scary.)}
Friday, January 30, 2015 | 12:21 AM | 0Comment

And why do they come back to haunt you at the most inconvenient times?

Internet, I need to be blatantly, even bleakly honest with you. In a way that I haven't in a while.

But first, let me tell you about this book that I just finished reading called Lola and the Boy Next Door. (WARNING!!! Many many many spoilers ahead for this book, and if you haven't read it and want to read it and don't want it to be totally and completely spoiled for you, stop reading now!!)

This book is about a few things, but MAINLY it's about a girl named Lola and the guy she has a long, complicated history with, Cricket. I read this book in a few weeks, and the entire time I read it, there were a lot of things I was feeling.

You know when you read a book, and this book just gets you? Like, it brings up all of the things you needed to hear at that exact moment in time, and it takes your feelings, puts a knife in them, and twists it over and over again? That was this book for me. I loved this book, but it was excruciating for me.

You see, in the book, Cricket is the boy that Lola loves. And he lives next door sometimes, but other times, he moves around. A lot. And the biggest part of their past that's brought up in the book is the last time Cricket moves away, and right before that when Lola falls in love with him, hard. When she was 15 years old.

Sounding familiar so far? Well, at the beginning of the book is when Cricket's family moves back from somewhere far away, after she fell in love with him, an entire two years later. When she's 17.

What? What's that you say? No, nobody wrote a book about my life. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK. I swear to God you guys, opening this book and reading it was like stepping into my own past.

So. You see why this book was hard for me to read?

And in addition to this: during the holidays, and New Years, for the first time in almost 3 years, I was thinking about Ricky Bobby. A lot.

You guys...this is so incredibly hard for me to admit. So humiliating for me to admit, in fact, that I almost didn't. I've been agonizing over whether to even write this entry. Still debating over whether or not to post it. (I probably will. I'll still be humiliated, though.)

Part of me is hoping that it's partly due to the holidays and such...I tend to get very nostalgic during this time of year. I was nostalgic and sad during Christmas 2013 too, but over entirely different people and for totally different reasons. So I was kinda hoping that it would just go away on its own.

Then I picked up this book with my giftcard I got for Christmas and started it. And got the reality ass-kicking of a lifetime.

To spoil how it ends (sorry), she and Cricket get their happy ending. And throughout their happy ending, all I could think about was how Ricky Bobby and I never had the chance for a happy ending.

This book brought up a whole mess of scary questions for me.

Lola took her chances and went for what she wanted. Why couldn't I have gone after what I wanted? Why was I not honest enough with myself to realize what I wanted in the first place? Cricket knew what he wanted, too. Did Ricky Bobby want me? And perhaps, by running away and breaking off contact with him because I was so scared of being hurt, did I hurt him? Was he going to tell me that he wanted me eventually, but I never gave him a chance? Did my own fear ruin my chances of having a first love?

The whole time I read this book, these questions consumed me. They chewed me up and spit me back out. To the point where I felt like the pressure was building up and up and up and I was going to explode.

In addition to all this, things with Brennan have come to an abrupt halt on my end. After a while of thought, I realized I definitely wasn't interested in him that way at all, and that he was really into me and I wasn't being fair. (Or that he's still into me. He still acts like he is, so...I don't know.) I'm trying to avoid the 'let's just be friends' talk with him for now, especially since we've had it before already and I don't enjoy confrontation. But I know that keeping quiet about it isn't good either.

But this entire thing has frustrated me all over again. Is the dating world supposed to be this hard? Some people make it look so easy. Dipping in and out of relationships with ease. Some being able to have nice, actual serious relationships. And here I am, me, who's never had anything work out enough to even have one single boyfriend. Is it me? Is it my fault?

So under all of this stress in my mind, I don't think I was in my right mind. And I did something.

I sent a friend request to Ricky Bobby on Facebook.

Honestly...I'm embarrassed. This is just like 5 years ago. Why am I constantly repeating myself? Going in circles?

I think I thought maybe that if I added him on Facebook, it would help calm the loud questions in my head, give me peace of mind. So I sent him a request, and he accepted the request, and for about a week afterwards, I felt better. I let it be, and I had some peace.

Until one night I made the mistake of letting curiosity get to me. And I went to look at his page.

Yep, I snooped. Like I was freaking 17 years old again. I think everyone does this on social networking sites, and I actually do this with other people too. But this time...felt different. It was like, from the beginning, I was purposely looking for something. Maybe that's why it felt wrong. (By the way...he's like...hairy. The face scruff has turned to almost a full blown beard now, and his hair on his head is super long. He's just...hairy.)

Maybe consciously, I didn't know what I was looking for. Scrolled through pics of him at his job, party pics, with almost zero emotion. But then abruptly, after I was scrolling for a while, my heart stopped and my breath caught. I'd found it.

Him and his ex. Lots and lots of pictures of him and his ex.

Pictures of them hugging, pictures of them with their faces squished together, pictures of him with his arm around her shoulders. Lots and lots of pictures.

And within all of those pictures, I found something else. Something scary. Terrifying.

I felt jealous.

I felt a jealousy so deep, so intense that my heart was pounding loud in my ears and my face was red and my hands were shaking. At the same time, I was trying to calm myself down. This reaction was crazy, I knew it. And I felt completely irrational.

And staring at those pictures, I could think of only one thing: 'That could've been me.' 

Where was this coming from suddenly? Was it just ghosts of old emotions, coming back to trick me? Or worse, were they current emotions, back strong and real and there? 

 So, as frustrated as I was, the day after this happened, I had a long talk with my mom. And told her everything. About the book I was reading bringing up everything again, about me thinking about him again, about the ex pictures. Everything. And mind you, me and my mom talk about everything. I tell her everything that's on my mind, and during the holidays, I'd brought up Ricky Bobby to her at least 2 different times. But this time it was different.

"I think...I think I felt jealous over his ex." I told her after explaining the request getting accepted and all the pictures to her. "I don't want to be jealous, but it was uncontrollable." I told her that I kept thinking that his ex could've been me. "I couldn't help it, it just came over me and I don't know why."

And then my mom said something that was kind of devastating. "It's because you still have feelings for him."

I sat there, mouth agape. Because she said exactly what I'd been afraid of this entire time. And then I closed my eyes, put my hands over my eyes and started crying. "But it doesn't make any sense," I said. "I haven't seen him in over 4 years."

She said softly, "Emotions aren't supposed to make sense. Sometimes they don't."

I kept crying into my hands. "I feel like I'm crazy."

All she said was, "I know."

Yeah.

Internet............to be totally honest with you, my headspace has scared me lately. And my emotions have scared me lately. My head knows this is impossible, knows that 4 years is entirely too late to think this way, and that he's likely never thought of me once in the past couple of years. My head knows that reacting this way to a book is completely irrational and insane. My head knows that people change a lot in the space of 4 years; hell, I've changed so much that some people might find me unrecognizable compared to how I was/how I looked 4 years ago. My head knows that logically I don't even know him anymore.

But the emotional side of me keeps telling me, over and over, that what I felt for Ricky Bobby was special. And rare. And the more I get older, the harder it will be for me to find it. Maybe I might never find it again.

And increasingly, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for never letting myself fully realize how I really felt about him. I'm angry at myself for being afraid of taking a freaking chance, for once in my life, and going for something even though it could've ended in utter failure.

Say the Noodles & Co scenario happened now, would I have taken the risk? Absolutely. I would have called Johnny, asked to hang out with him and Ricky Bobby soon, and taken the initiative. I would have finally, finally, told him how I felt about him. I have more confidence and self esteem now than I did then, so it makes sense. But I wish I would have back then anyway, even if he had rejected me again. At least I would have had closure.

Because that's what I think this is. I never had proper closure with Ricky Bobby.

And all this time, I was willfully pushing him to the back of my mind and distracting myself with other things instead of truly dealing with things and truly moving on. Instead of running away. When I still had time, and before it was too late. Before he got back together with the girl he almost dated in Pennsylvania before he moved back, and started a long distance relationship with her.

From what I can tell, they dated from the start of 2012 and broke up late 2013. If he dated anyone since then, I don't know. But I remember thinking how ironic it was that he almost dated someone there before he moved back here, thinking that that could've been me. And then looking at all their couple pictures now, and thinking the same thing.

What kills me the most is thinking that maybe probably the biggest difference between me and her was that she was braver. More confident. Went after what she wanted, just like Lola.

And me? Frozen by fear. Just like with everything else in my life. Letting fear and pride get in the way of what I truly wanted.

So Internet...reaching this epiphany of mine of the past couple of weeks has been truly painful.

Before any of you worry, I won't be acting on this. I definitely won't. Not like I could anyway. Even though he lives in my state still, he still lives hours away, so I won't be running into him. Johnny and I aren't friends anymore. And I have a feeling that Ricky Bobby accepted my friend request out of pity, or because he accepts every friend request, so I won't be talking to him on there either. But at least my curiosity has been cured, so there's that.

Realistically, the only thing left to do now is to try and learn from all of this. I don't know if I'll ever feel about someone else the way I did about Ricky Bobby. But when I do, I hope I'll have the courage to act. Because acting is better than running away from it, which is infinitely worse.

These questions about him and I, and all of the what ifs, will probably haunt me forever. But that's my fault, and I have to deal with it. And I will. I just need time.

So for now, my foray into the dating world may be on halt again. After all, first I need to figure out what to do about Brennan.

Part of me thinks that maybe letting things fade into casual friendship might be the best thing--you know, instead of confrontation that could lead to a big blowout and never talking again. So that may be what I'll do. But if he does ask, then I'll tell him the truth and hope for the best.

And meanwhile, I'll be grudgingly preparing myself for the upcoming Single Awareness Day season. Ugh.

But I'll be all right, Internet. Just give me some time. Don't worry, okay? But for future reference, don't be like me. Be a Lola.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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hindsight is 20/20. (secret #8.) }
Tuesday, September 2, 2014 | 12:17 AM | 0Comment

You know how sometimes you look back on things in your life, and you wonder how you could have been so oblivious to something so obvious--and you just wonder how you couldn't see things clearly then?

Some of you guys may recall this iconic entry of mine: the legendary Noodles & Co trip of my Junior year. Remember the part where I said that Best Friend Rose whispered to me that she had something to tell me later, but I never said what it was?

I don't know why I never said what she said, I guess I just forgot and forgot and kept forgetting and forgot for a good 4 years, hahaha. But here's what she told me, later that night on a phone call after the football game: 

Before I showed up to the game, Ricky Bobby asked everybody if I was coming to the game. Everybody. Repeatedly. And talked about me the whole time, saying how much he wanted to hang out with me again. And when he was told that I was coming, he was excited.

Now. The other day, I randomly thought of this night. (I do this every once in a while, it's a fond high school memory for me after all. It'll probably always be special to me.) And I remembered another part of that night that I'd forgotten to write about.

It was after we'd come back to the football game after the trip to Noodles & Co, when Burrito had left and Johnny had run off somewhere else and it was just me and Ricky Bobby, finally alone, sitting in the grass, with his leg on top of mine. 

Internet...I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to say something to him. About the 8th grade. About how I felt. Because as of then, I had still never talked about how I felt about him to him, never ever confronted it at all. Even when he found out that I had feelings for him, it was always through other people. And the two years that he'd lived far away, I'd wished so badly that I'd told him the truth, the whole truth, about how I felt about him. At least once.

And that night, alone on the grassy hillside with him, I came so close. I wanted nothing more than to look into his eyes, and hold his hand(I even did this stupid thing where I randomly started ripping up the dried grass and handing it to him, just so I could touch his hand. Pathetic and elementary school of me, I know.), and tell him how much I missed him and cried over him after he left, and how I never stopped thinking about him once during those two years.

I even opened my mouth after a long silence, and said, "Hey...Ricky Bobby. Can I tell you something?"

And when he leaned toward me and said, "Of course," I completely shut down and was immediately terrified of what I was doing and thought I'd lost my mind.

So I said, "Never mind." 

And that was it. He prodded at me, asking me again and again what I wanted to tell him, and I laughed it off and told him it was nothing. I think he might have sensed that what I was going to say was serious, and he always was perceptive of emotions--there were times where he would look into my eyes and I felt like he could see right through me--so maybe he read it all over my face. But I said never mind. And the moment passed. And I never said it.

Isn't it terrifying how something so important could go unsaid forever? Like all of the possibilities just vanish and float away into space, never to be seen again.

I don't know why I left those out before, actually. Maybe it was just that I forgot. Or maybe it was because I knew that those were things--not amazing things, but little things, things that if I had looked into them before, I could've seen that maybe, just maybe, Ricky Bobby wanted me to tell him how I felt. And the reason he wanted to hang out with me so badly was because he wanted to get to know me better, and talk to me more, and maybe even just...see me. See my face to see it, because he wanted to. 

I'm not saying he definitely had an interest in me, I'm just saying that the possibility was there. And I was so terrified of being rejected by him again that I was too scared to take a chance on that possibility. So scared of him breaking my heart again that I ran away. 

Hell, even in that birthday voicemail he and Johnny left me, he still wanted to see me. Almost 6 months later. And yet I still ran. I ran as fast as I could from him.

Had I had a second chance at all of this, I think I would have told him. Because telling him wouldn't have been weak--it would have been giving things a true second chance. That way, if he had rejected me again, I would have really been able to move on with no regrets. 

It's too late for that now, obviously. We've both moved on with our lives, and I don't think that Johnny even stays in contact with him anymore. Though I did finally unblock him on Facebook, and when I did, I noticed that he had a girlfriend. Dunno if he still does.

But I can't help but still wonder what things would have been like, what would have happened if I would have told him. If I would have held his hand. If we would have gone out for that coffee.

I hope he's alright these days.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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the idea of an ideal type.}
Wednesday, July 2, 2014 | 6:58 PM | 2Comment

Hey, Internet.

So, since my date with Kenneth, things have pretty much gone back to normal. I've been talking to my friends, working on my diet (including trying new recipes to try, I'm getting back into cooking and forgot how much how much I used to love it!) and working out.

I also talk to Kenneth once every few days, not about much really, just catching up and some small talk.

Despite all of the initial similarities to my experience with Drew, this whole thing with Kenneth has gone way better. I think it partly has to do with the fact that I'm older now, and slightly more mature and more independent than I used to be a few years ago. Part of the reason things went so downhill with Drew was that I had started to form a sort of expectation about things, since it had been the first time something like that had happened to me, I guess I was more naive about how things would work.

Also, it helped that Kenneth wasn't an ass (lol) and he actually treated me well, and that we were both clear from the start that we weren't looking for anything more than a friend.

But there's one thing that strikes me as hilarious: Let me be clear. Kenneth is an attractive man. A very, very attractive man. And in terms of all of my ideal personal preferences in terms of attraction: he's pretty much it. He works out, has a great physique, not too tall but still taller than me, sexy voice, actually knows a thing or two about my hobbies (he's Korean so he knows about kpop and kdramas and things of that nature that I'm interested in), gentlemanly, laid back, and kind.

BUT. Here's the thing. As for any sort of chemistry between us? Almost none. I'm almost 99% sure that there was 0 chemistry between us.

It's so weird because, again, for the past few years of this dry spell, if I had thought of the ideal person I'd want to date? HE WOULD BE IT. AND WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL.

Crazy, right? CRAZY.

I suddenly have this understanding of what people who date all the time are talking about when they talk about chemistry. To be honest, I just never had enough experience with guys that were interested enough to ask me out, let alone discover if I had chemistry with someone.

And I'm starting to realize...chemistry is the thing, man. It's the foundation for feelings. If there's no chemistry...there's nothing.

Looking back, I had chemistry with Ricky Bobby. Definite chemistry with Ricky Bobby. There was always this palpable, heavy, thick, cut-the-air-with-a-knife tension between us every time we were near each other. I think he was the person I had the strongest chemistry with, even if neither of us were never willing to confront it.

And with Phil, we didn't have strong chemistry, but there was at least the nervous, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we talked to each other (or should I say the few times we talked to each other face to face. About him. And mostly him. Oy.). Even if I didn't have strong feelings for him, and they were fleeting, they were there.

With Drew, there was no chemistry. None. I was nervous around him, but I think that mostly came from the fact that I was meeting a stranger for the first time. There was really no physical attraction, at all.

But with Kenneth.....still no chemistry. But I was attracted to him! Extremely! He might be the single most attractive man to ever speak to me in my entire life! But..........still.........no.........chemistry.

I'm baffled, Internet. Simply baffled.

I mean...maybe it's partly because of the age difference. Maybe because we're aware of such a gap between us, not just age but our completely different lifestyles because of our ages, we're extra cautious about it. Or maybe it's all hormones and there just truly wasn't a connection on any other level besides getting along.

Part of me really wonders if I've lost the ability to feel that way about someone. That I only got that feeling with Ricky Bobby because I was really young, and it was the first time that I'd gotten really serious feelings for somebody.

But maybe that's just what it is. It's supposed to be rare, that's what makes it so special. I guess we're not meant to have strong chemistry with everybody that's attractive to us. And let's be real, that would get really messy for everybody. And painful. And crazy. But...chemistry. Man. What an interesting concept.

There was this reality show I watched a few days ago (I forgot the name of it, it was a Korean show). The basic idea of it was that the show selected 3 people and asked them what their ideal type was. Asked for as many details of their ideal type that they could come up with, like if they had a ~dream person~, who would it be. Then, after learning about all of this, they searched for a person that came the absolute closest to their ideal type and set them up together. Then for 30 days, they had to be an official couple and see how things go. And at the end of the 30 days, if they'd developed feelings for each other, then they would stay together.

It was SO good and hilarious and interesting that I watched all of the episodes back to back and finished it in one night. What struck me as the most interesting of all was that none of the 3 couples stayed together after the 30 days. There was even one couple, who were the youngest, both being 23 (I think? Or 21?) that had GREAT chemistry from the get go and by the end of the 30 days, the girl had utterly lost interest and was even a little annoyed by him.

It was fascinating and telling I think, because it showed even more that you could have the blueprint of your perfect ideal person laid out, detail by detail, and in the end you still might not have any feelings for that person at all when you meet them face to face.

So, when it comes down to it...I guess I don't really have an ideal type.

There are definitely some standout aspects that are still very important to me in what I'm looking for (gentleman that treats me well, sweet, smart, and an overall decent person), but now that I've gone out on a date with someone that definitely would have been my ideal type physically.....I know for sure that in the end an ideal type won't matter to me anyway.

After all, all of the guys that I have been into in the past have all been polar opposites from one another. I think I've said this before: I don't have a type, I just know what I like when I see it.
And I am pretty picky, I admit, but I don't discriminate over the trivial things (eye color, skin color, ethnicity, race, etc etc etc) and when I like what I see, then that's just what it is.

This was an eye opening experience for me in more than one aspect, and I think now that I'm starting to learn these things, I would be more open to going on a few dates once in a while.

I definitely won't be doing it frequently, but here and there can't hurt, right? Nothing awful came from this date with Kenneth, and in the end I felt proud of myself for doing it and putting myself out there for once.

Baby steps, Internet. Baby steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Belated Belated Belated Valentine's Day}
Sunday, March 24, 2013 | 9:51 PM | 0Comment

Internet. What the hell is up?? (That was meant in a, 'Hey! How ya doin'? I haven't seen you in a while!' way, not in an angry accusatory way. Ahem.)

I really wanted to write this entry last month (on Single Awareness Day last month, to be exact) but I've been caught up in a lot lately. (You'll see what in my next entry, which is ACTUALLY coming up right after this one. I swear! Really!) So, I'm writing it now!

You guys should know by now that any thoughts about Ricky Bobby are very far and few for me now, so not freaked out by this, ok? Before this, I hadn't actually even thought of him since a few months ago when I randomly freaked out after that dream I had about him and blocked him on FB, haha. So no worries!

However. Since Valentine's Day was coming up, I couldn't help but think about the last pleasant Valentine's memory I had.

I have my share of negative Valentine's memories (read: Ricky Bobby 2.0 and the whole fiasco he created between Best Friend Rose and I in the 7th grade.) but incidentally this one comes from the 8th grade, with THE Ricky Bobby.

Okay. So something you guys should know first is my tutu stage in middle school. Man, did I love my tutu. I had this tutu that I actually wore to school with regular outfits. LITERALLY, over my jeans. I'd just wear it whenever I felt like it. And the weird thing: my school had a super strict dress code, and normally girls couldn't wear costume-like clothes to school. I'd even seen other girls wear tutus and get told to take them off.
But me? Never. My teachers always let me wear it, hell half the time my history and English teacher told me that I looked adorable in it. No one EVER told me to take it off. Not even the principal. Maybe because I always kissed the teacher's butts?? Who knows.

So yes, one the subject of the tutu: Valentine's Day in the 8th grade, I woke up that morning and decided I would be a Valentine's Day fairy. I woke up super early, composed an outfit made completely of red and pink and white, including pink patterned knee-high socks, my tutu, and huge red heart earrings. The night before, I had filled out two whole boxes of Valentines (one box of Tweety Bird, one box of Hello Kitty, with 'You!' in the 'to:' part), and the whole day at school I passed them out to random people in the hallways. It was fun, and I only got a small percentage of them thrown back at me (lol).

I finished lunch early that day, and I was going around the hallways looking for more people to give Valentines to. Out of the blue, I found Ricky Bobby, sitting down in the hallway by himself, looking sad. The thought of him being sad made me sad, and being in the upbeat mood I was in, it gave me a boost of confidence, so I decided to go over to him and see what was wrong.

I sat next to him, said hi, and after he said hi back, I asked what was wrong.

"I hate Valentine's Day," he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's stupid. There's all this romantic crap everywhere and it just makes you feel bad."

I chuckled, nodding. I still hated Valentine's Day at that point too, but I guess after the last one that I'd had, I wanted to make a nicer memory for that year. I tell Ricky Bobby this, and he tells me that he thinks that's cool. After that, we get up, and take a walk around the hallway together. I don't remember exactly what we were saying to each other, but I do remember just joking around and making small talk.

At this point in time, I definitely liked him, but it was before he found out. I remember thinking to myself how easy it was to talk to him, and how nervous I was, but also how just talking to him had made my whole day. It also freaked me out, it's worth noting.

Soon enough, it was about time to leave to our 6th period class, and he was about to leave to his locker. I told him to wait, reached into my bag of Valentines, and gave him one. "Happy Valentine's Day," I told him, half-laughing as I did. It was really meant to be a joke, in a ha-ha-you-hate-valentines-day-and-i-just-gave-you-one ironic way.

But he opened it up, stared at it, and looked up at me and smiled in the most genuine way, like the gesture had actually touched him. "Thank you, Sarah."

"You're welcome," I told him, smiling back, and then I turned around and left first, because my heart was pounding so fast and I felt like I was going to fall over right in front of him if I didn't leave right then.
I was so flustered, I didn't even realize that I was heading the wrong way for my next class, causing me to have to take the long way and be a minute or two late.

I think that was when I really realized how much I liked Ricky Bobby. The way he got so happy over a little cheap cartoon Valentine just....overwhelmed me. Like really, how adorable is that?

That was always a personality trait I liked in RB. He was always so appreciative of the littlest things. (See my first entry, where I talk about the going away present I gave him.) I think that's a nice trait to have.

Anyway, my Valentine's Day this year was...very uneventful. Usually I do something that I love or something that's fun to chase away the blues but this year I just...did nothing. Haha. I watched TV and surfed the Internet. I watched Ridiculousness with my mom for a little bit, but after a while my mood turned sour so I went up to my room and listened to music. Yep. Pretty lame.

Not like it's a rule to do something special on V-day anyway, but still. Not a memorable day in the slightest.

But at least I have the memory of that Valentine's to remember. It's very sweet, and even though Ricky Bobby is out of my life now, I'll cherish that nice memory.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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*sighs and crawls back over*}
Sunday, November 4, 2012 | 3:17 PM | 0Comment

Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME.

Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:


  1. Ballet, unfortunately. When the time came to sign up for lessons, which was incidentally a few days after I wrote here last, something intriguing happened. When we called the number found on the dance studio's website, it rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. And no one ever picked up. Not even an answering machine. The next day, we tried again. No one picked up again. Days later, even though it was days after lessons were supposed to start, we tried calling again. No answer. Our guess is that maybe the studio closed and nobody took the website down, although it was admittedly strange because the 2012 lesson schedule was still up on it and everything, so it must have been very recent. Either way, that was disappointing. We tried looking for any other studios that had the same price range, but none of them were as affordable. So, no ballet for me.
  2. The pet store job. You know it sucks because I was gonna write about how AWESOME I thought the interview went. As you guys can imagine, I was terrified, and at first it was slightly awkward, but my potential boss was super down to Earth and laid back, and she made me feel as comfortable as possible. Best part was: she showed me around the store and introduced me to the girls that worked there before the interview even started, and after the interview she had me talk to one of the employees and ask her any other questions I had about working there. Call me crazy, but that seemed pretty promising right there. Can you blame me for getting my hopes up? Sigh. But I digress. After the interview, I never heard from her again. I even did the follow-up email thing, the whole shebang. She didn't even bother replying to my email to tell me I didn't get the job. Just...never contacted me again. Not that I feel entitled or anything, but she could have at least told me if she wasn't going to hire me. I mean, common courtesy, right? But I didn't even get that. Geez. Mostly over it by now, I'm just embarrassed still I guess. Like...I must have really flopped that interview, or I don't make very good first impressions. Lol. But, yeah. Pretty disappointing. So, no pet store job for me.
  3. Grocery store job. Two weeks after I'd sent the follow up email, and I realized that I probably was never going to get a reply, I decided to apply to the grocery store by my house. It was a last resort really, because I had considered the grocery store job before the pet store one, and after having the "great" interview for the pet store, the idea of working at the grocery store abhorred me. But after I realized I wasn't going to get the pet store job, I decided to get over my aversion to the grocery store and realized that having a job that I didn't like that much was better than no job at all. So after finding out that they were hiring for all positions, I applied online to the grocery store. Since then? No calls to make an interview, no contact at all. So, no grocery store job for me. (But, to be fair, I applied to be a courtesy clerk, aka a bagger girl, and I read somewhere that that job sometimes includes cleaning bathrooms. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.)
  4. A tutoring job. Long story short, I met this nice Korean guy online (a university student) and we were talking for a while (about two weeks) when he suddenly asked me about minimum wage in America. I told him what minimum wage was in my state, and then he said that he would be willing to pay me more than minimum wage if I tutored him in English. It was totally out of the blue, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I thought about it for a few days and then realized how cool it would be. We planned some things, like how much he would pay me, how he would pay me (through Paypal), when we would meet (on the weekends, during a time that worked well for both of us), and when we would start. It actually felt like I was actually about to do something, something that would be fulfilling and scary but also something I would learn from, and then--the weekend we were supposed to start, he postponed. Said he had a family thing. Okay, I thought. That's no big deal at all, perfectly understandable. Plus, I was injured, so it worked out for the best (more on that in a second.) He asked if we could postpone until the next week, and I said yes, of course. The weekend after? Didn't hear from him. This weekend? Didn't hear from him. I messaged him two days ago, asking him if he was all right and if he still wanted to do this. No response. So, I guess that's not happening either. I get that maybe he just lost nerve and decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and that's fine. I just wish he'd tell me.


So, as you guys can imagine, I'm just...frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying. I've been trying, and really hard at that. Trying to just...do something. Mix up my life a little. Do something so I can feel like I'm not just wasting my time. But I feel like I've run out of options. I've considered every little other thing, but it either 1. costs too much money 2. requires a second car, which our family doesn't have and also can't afford 3. is too far. I'm trying, and have tried, and I just don't know what I can do at this point. I've even looked into online jobs, but there are none that I've found that don't require a degree or a vast knowledge of HTML or CSS (which I know some HTML enough to manipulate codes, but not enough to make codes out of scratch flawlessly). So. I just don't know.

And on top of that, about three weeks ago, I ripped a muscle in my left pectoral (or rib, maybe) muscle. I don't know if any of you have ripped a muscle, but it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt, other than maybe breaking a bone (which I've never done before, thank God.). I still have no idea how I managed to do it, but for two whole weeks I couldn't reach above my shoulders, put too much weight on my left foot, breathe too deeply, or cough and sneeze without searing pain. I had to keep my rips wrapped too because--and this is graphic, I'm sorry--I could actually feel the torn muscle getting pinched between my ribs when I moved. Yeah. Ow. It got so bad at some point that my parents considered taking me to the ER, even though we don't have health insurance.

So I spent two whole weeks not being about to do anything about lay down flat on my back and not get up except for the bathroom and eating, when I would lean slightly up on a crapload of pillows. I couldn't even write because typing hurt, too.

Lately it's seemed to be healing up slowly, and even now if I lean over at a weird angle or slouch too much it starts hurting again. Let this be a testament to how out of shape I am. AND, lol, that's not me calling myself fat mind you (because I know I'm not fat), that's me acknowledging the fact that the 3 years I spend in online school, I sat in front of the computer for 8 hours everyday, and then outside of the 8 hours of school, I sat in front of the TV the rest of the time, or slept. No PE. No walking to classes. Hardly any walking at all, except to go downstairs to get food. I am really, scarily, out of shape. No one my age should be as out of shape as I am. 

Whatever I did to tear my muscle, it wasn't doing anything spectacularly athletic or rough, because I don't do anything like that. It was probably just some ordinary everyday movement, or something too heavy that I picked up too fast. Which is sad. Not boo hoo sad, just....plain sad.

So, I'm going to start exercising again. Going to start off easy, probably just some walking exercise times at first, just to make sure I don't push anything. But it's something that I need to start doing again. Those two weeks were miserable, I need to take better care of myself.

Wow, this entry is whiny. I feel like that's all I ever do on here, lol. Whiny whine whine. But I just had to get that off of my chest.

How about some other news? Not really big news, but news anyway. Not really good news, however.

Last night, I had a dream about Ricky Bobby.

It was actually the first one I'd had in a while, since the last one in April. But still, to have another one in the first place, it was kind of...troubling to say the least. Especially considering its nature. It was short, but pretty simple.

In the dream, I was...I don't know. Having a normal day? Going about my business, doing normal stuff. I don't know when it was, but apparently in this dream I had not checked my Facebook in a very, very long time. Okay, not that long. A month, maybe. But when I logged in, I immediately saw that I had 46 unread private messages, lol.

I didn't really express any shock at this, so I guess that sort of thing happened all the time. So I click to read them, and immediately I see that a few messages down, there is one from Ricky Bobby. It's untitled, and I guess in this dream, that thing were you can preview what the message says before you click on it doesn't exist, so I click on it, my heart in my throat and my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous in this dream? No idea. But with good reason, as you'll find out.

The message is long, a few paragraphs long, and the first thing I see written in the message is, 

'Sarah--

I've needed to tell you this for a long time...I love you. Completely and absolutely. Always have.' 

In the dream, as soon as I read this, my hands fly up to my throat, which is something I do when I'm overwhelmed, and my vision tunnels. I reply to the computer screen as if he can hear me, "I love you, too. I love you. I love you so much."

Then, as a second thought, I say to myself, "Oh my god. Rose has got to see this." So I go to take a screen shot, but then I realize that the whole message isn't showing, and I should scroll down to show the whole message, along with his picture right next to it. So I try to scroll down, but my computer has frozen up. That's crappy, right? (And actually so true to life. Happens at least 10 times a day.) 
So I wait for like 5 minutes for it to unfreeze, and it doesn't. So like I actually do all the time in real life, I slap my laptop hard to try to get it to work. The screen changes slightly, seizes up, and I slam my keyboard frustration. Suddenly, the computer unfreezes, and a window pops up on my computer screen, saying 'Message deleted'.

The dream ends with me staring at the computer with my mouth gaping open and my stomach sinking.

Hah. Great dream, right? Or should I say nightmare.

First of all, just the fact that it had to be Ricky Bobby with that sort of message at all. But then the fact that I returned the sentiment, and fervently. What the freaking hell, subconscious?? What the hell was that??

So as soon as I woke from that dream, thoroughly disturbed by it, the first thing I did this morning was log onto Facebook and block him on it. Extreme? Yeah, I admit it was. And totally irrational. But, I don't know man. That dream...after not having a dream like that about him in a while, it got to me so much that I needed to make absolutely sure that it it had no chance of actually happening. I mean, I know that there's already 100% zero chance of it happening already (pretty positive he has a girlfriend right now, someone he went to school with in Pennsylvania), but I needed to make it 10000% zero chance. That way, there is no way that he'll ever be able to contact me again, but this time, it's my choice completely. 

And while I was at it, I blocked Drew and Pre-RB as well. Also overboard, I know. But it felt damn good. The last thing I need right now is some stupid boys barging back in and complicating my life further.

Also, this Halloween, I dressed in this sort of gothy/visual kei costume, even though I had to throw it together with clothes from my closest. But I got to do heavy fancy goth makeup, so that was nice. I got lots of compliments!

So. That's been my life the past few months.

I'm going to keep trying to find a job, or something, but admittedly, since the holidays are coming up, I might postpone it until after Christmas. Maybe I'll have better luck then.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

 ps: Happy belated Halloween!

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Birthdays and Dreams.}
Thursday, April 5, 2012 | 12:39 PM | 0Comment

Internet. Guess who's officially nineteen years old?

I AM. WOOOOOOOOO. Looks like it's time for me to change the blog title again. My last teenage year. Kind of boggling.

My birthday crept up so quickly this year that the on the 28th, I was doing something and I suddenly stopped and said to myself, 'Whoa. Tomorrow's my birthday.'

It came up SO quick, in fact, that I never even planned anything for it. Originally, about two months ago, I was thinking that it would be nice to go to a sushi place with Jazz and Rosie for a nice dinner (since I've basically gone to Red Lobster every birthday since my 10th. I.....really like Red Lobster, okay.) buuut that was thrown under the bridge when 1. Jazz told me she was going to California for spring break and couldn't go and 2. when Rosie told me on the day before my birthday that she was going to New Mexico. Sooo, yeah. That plan was pretty much demolished.

But then when I found out about this, I told my mom and she promised to take me shopping on my birthday. Which was then promptly destroyed also because of our car deciding to develop problems and stop running later that day.

Yeah, I know. It sucked.

When my birthday finally arrived, I was a little bummed that I wouldn't get to do anything special for my birthday (let alone leave the house at least), but later on me and mom had a mini kid/animated movie marathon, and I felt better. (But we didn't watch Toy Story 3, because I'm fairly certain that if I cried every other time I've watched that movie, I'd be weeping my eyes out watching it on my 19th birthday. Mercy.)

So then when my dad got off from work (he drove a rental all day) he was awesome enough to let me call in a Red Lobster order and then went to go pick it up, along with four chocolate cupcakes with cookies and cream whipped cream frosting (my favorite ever). SO, that was plenty enough for me, to be honest. Plus, I got happy birthday texts from my family all day and birthday tweets from my friends, and that really made my day too.

(But, cough cough, as for my best friends, I only got a birthday text from Rosie. Jazz didn't send one. And...still hasn't a whole week later. Ahem.)

Oh, and I also got $75 dollars in birthday money. Yay for not being broke! But I will be again soon because this weekend I'm going shopping with it, haha. Bye money. Prepare to be spent on books and spring clothes.

SO. Some updates. A few weeks ago, I went to Rosies house and we talked about a bunch of stuff. Like the Ricky Bobby thing.

Which........turned out not to be a Ricky Bobby thing after all. Hah. At least, not THAT Ricky Bobby.
Relief, right??

Well, this had to do with a different Ricky Bobby, and incidentally, it's the same Ricky Bobby that caused me and Rosie to have the biggest fight of our friendship back in the seventh grade. I mentioned him before in this entry. For the sake of no confusion, though, let's just call him Pre-RB. As in, the ricky bobby before THE Ricky Bobby.

I guess it was this whole thing with Rosie and her group of friends starting to hang out with Pre-RB and some of his buddies regularly after school, and Rosie started to develop a small crush on Pre-RB (which honestly I'm repulsed by the thought of, not because I have any residual feels left for him but just because I cannot even FATHOM what I'd seen in him. Seriously, he's an asshole. What were you thinking, Fifth Grade through Seventh Grade Sarah?!)

So then Rosie tells Jezebel this, and then a few days after that, Jezebel confronts Rose and basically says, 'I didn't want to tell you this, because you're my best friend and I don't want this to come between us, but I like Pre-RB too.' Which is, you know. Bad. But, Jezebel then tells Rose that she WILL NOT (capslock underline italics, NOT) go after him or try anything, promises her. And so things are fine for a while. Like for a month or so.

You know, until Rosie finds out that Jezebel did the exact opposite thing she promised she would.

Yup. Not only does Jezebel begin dating Pre-RB behind Rosie's back, but she also TELLS Pre-RB about Rosie's crush on him. So while Rosie, unaware of this whole thing and thinking that she's slowly getting closer and closer to her crush, Jezebel is lying to her face the whole time.

Messed up, right? Especially considering that that's almost the exact thing that happened to Rose and I with Pre-RB in the seventh grade. But, yeah. Same guy. Same girl. Another friend.

This is why I don't mess with no Ricky Bobbies no more. NO MORE.

So yeah. And the funny part is that when Rosie caught them, Jezebel was the one acting most upset, not Rosie.
I had a feeling this would happen again. Because that's the thing, this isn't the only time Jezebel has come between Rose and a guy she liked. In fact, this is the third time. THE THIRD TIME. Rosie tells Jezebel she has a crush on some guy, Jezebel acts happy for Rose, Jezebel swoops in on the guy and dates/has sex with him, Rosie's left dumbfounded and stabbed in the back. Repeat two more times.

I don't know how Best Friend Rose has put up with this, honestly. And with all the other things Jezebel has put her through, I would have lost my mind. I would have left at the first sign of backstabbery. But, Rosie can be a bad judge of character sometimes. Well, a lot. Well...most of the time. Haha. But I just hope that this really is the last straw, that she doesn't stick around only to have this happen again. She has a new boyfriend (not official yet, I think? but from what I've heard, he's really great. She met him on OKCupid, actually!) and she plans on not telling Jezebel about him at all.

SO. Speaking of Ricky Bobbies. I woke up this morning pretty disturbed. Because why? You guessed it. A Ricky Bobby dream.

You know, I haven't had one in a while. A really long time, actually.

Actually no, that's a lie. I had one like a month ago, and he was in it, but I only vaguely remember that it wasn't romantic, and that he only appeared for a little bit and then disappeared again. So yeah, there was that one.

But THIS ONE. Ugh. This one. I don't exactly remember how it started out, but I was hanging out with Rosie somewhere, with her car, and for some reason my dog Sandy was there. And then we bump into Johnny and Ricky Bobby, somehow. So we all hug and exchange pleasantries. Apparently me and Rose were on our way into the mountains for a trip or something. And Johnny tells us, hey, we were on our way up there too! So he suggests to us all that we go together. Meanwhile, I feel Ricky Bobby staring at me. We all agree, although my agreement was sort of hesitant.

Somehow, it's like my subconscious has no patience for the details, because next thing I knew we were in the mountains already. We arrive at a big fancy resort, and after (I guess) settling all our things in our respective rooms at the hotel, we all walk around and look at everything. I'm walking Sandy around on her leash, maybe something to help distract from the fact that Ricky Bobby keeps trying to start a conversation with me, because for whatever reason I don't want to talk to him at all. In fact, I keep trying to avoid even looking at him.

Anyway, it's getting later into the afternoon, and we're sitting at an outdoor table in front of a restaurant or something. I had loosely tied Sandy's leash to the bench of the table so I wouldn't have to hold it, and then something exciting catches her attention, and she shoots off like a rocket. I scramble up from the table and call her, but she doesn't slow down, so I sprint after her. She runs into this huge shopping center thing, and it's super crowded, so I start to lose her.

Up until now, I didn't even realize that Ricky Bobby had ran after me, but then I pause and turn around and he's right behind me, panting. Bewildered, I ask him what he's doing, and he says he's helping me get my dog. So we run around for a bit (which by the way, I have NO idea how Sandy was so fast in this dream, considering in real life she's super chubby and middle aged. Lol.) and then we finally spot her laying down on the sidewalk by a restaurant, panting and enjoying being petted by the surrounding strangers.

I snatch up her leash and hesitantly thank Ricky Bobby, who seems enamored by my dog as well. (Why did I bring her, anyways? Who brings their 100 pound lab on vacation?!) He humbly tells me I'm welcome, and then we both head back to our friends in silence. Later, I guess we all decide to go out for dinner, and when were in the restaurant, Ricky Bobby sits down across from me, and he stares at me then, too. (Maybe a parallel to the Noodles trip irl?)

Skip to the next day, and the whole day, Ricky Bobby walks right next to me, talks to me, tries to get my attention. I get the sense that he knows that I don't want to be around him, and that he knows why, and that it's making him sad. At some point during the day, I finally get a good look at him, and realize how much he's changed. He looks like Ricky Bobby still, but more refined in a manly way, taller and more rugged, and devastatingly gorgeous. Looking at him directly brings back a whole wave of emotions that I hadn't wanted to confront, but--as always, it seems--it's like I fall victim to his spell and I can't stay away from him.

By the end of the trip (I don't remember how long it was, days maybe?), RB and I had spent the whole time practically attached at the hip (lol I don't know what BFR and Johnny have been doing during all this.).
Apparently me and Rose have to leave before Johnny and RB do, so we're saying our goodbyes in the hotel lobby. After I say goodbye to Johnny and hug him, when I go to say bye to RB, we just kind of stand there awkwardly, no hug or anything. And then, quietly, says to me that we should do it again sometime, and I shyly agree.

And then I woke up.

So...yeah. Probably doesn't mean anything at all, but interesting anyway.

I'll be spending my first month of being 19 busting my ass for school. But I have more I want to write about, so expect to hear from me anyway!

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Wrote this in IE. Crap. I'll fix the format later. No picture for now~)

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