♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Belated Belated Belated Valentine's Day}
Sunday, March 24, 2013 | 9:51 PM | 0Comment

Internet. What the hell is up?? (That was meant in a, 'Hey! How ya doin'? I haven't seen you in a while!' way, not in an angry accusatory way. Ahem.)

I really wanted to write this entry last month (on Single Awareness Day last month, to be exact) but I've been caught up in a lot lately. (You'll see what in my next entry, which is ACTUALLY coming up right after this one. I swear! Really!) So, I'm writing it now!

You guys should know by now that any thoughts about Ricky Bobby are very far and few for me now, so not freaked out by this, ok? Before this, I hadn't actually even thought of him since a few months ago when I randomly freaked out after that dream I had about him and blocked him on FB, haha. So no worries!

However. Since Valentine's Day was coming up, I couldn't help but think about the last pleasant Valentine's memory I had.

I have my share of negative Valentine's memories (read: Ricky Bobby 2.0 and the whole fiasco he created between Best Friend Rose and I in the 7th grade.) but incidentally this one comes from the 8th grade, with THE Ricky Bobby.

Okay. So something you guys should know first is my tutu stage in middle school. Man, did I love my tutu. I had this tutu that I actually wore to school with regular outfits. LITERALLY, over my jeans. I'd just wear it whenever I felt like it. And the weird thing: my school had a super strict dress code, and normally girls couldn't wear costume-like clothes to school. I'd even seen other girls wear tutus and get told to take them off.
But me? Never. My teachers always let me wear it, hell half the time my history and English teacher told me that I looked adorable in it. No one EVER told me to take it off. Not even the principal. Maybe because I always kissed the teacher's butts?? Who knows.

So yes, one the subject of the tutu: Valentine's Day in the 8th grade, I woke up that morning and decided I would be a Valentine's Day fairy. I woke up super early, composed an outfit made completely of red and pink and white, including pink patterned knee-high socks, my tutu, and huge red heart earrings. The night before, I had filled out two whole boxes of Valentines (one box of Tweety Bird, one box of Hello Kitty, with 'You!' in the 'to:' part), and the whole day at school I passed them out to random people in the hallways. It was fun, and I only got a small percentage of them thrown back at me (lol).

I finished lunch early that day, and I was going around the hallways looking for more people to give Valentines to. Out of the blue, I found Ricky Bobby, sitting down in the hallway by himself, looking sad. The thought of him being sad made me sad, and being in the upbeat mood I was in, it gave me a boost of confidence, so I decided to go over to him and see what was wrong.

I sat next to him, said hi, and after he said hi back, I asked what was wrong.

"I hate Valentine's Day," he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's stupid. There's all this romantic crap everywhere and it just makes you feel bad."

I chuckled, nodding. I still hated Valentine's Day at that point too, but I guess after the last one that I'd had, I wanted to make a nicer memory for that year. I tell Ricky Bobby this, and he tells me that he thinks that's cool. After that, we get up, and take a walk around the hallway together. I don't remember exactly what we were saying to each other, but I do remember just joking around and making small talk.

At this point in time, I definitely liked him, but it was before he found out. I remember thinking to myself how easy it was to talk to him, and how nervous I was, but also how just talking to him had made my whole day. It also freaked me out, it's worth noting.

Soon enough, it was about time to leave to our 6th period class, and he was about to leave to his locker. I told him to wait, reached into my bag of Valentines, and gave him one. "Happy Valentine's Day," I told him, half-laughing as I did. It was really meant to be a joke, in a ha-ha-you-hate-valentines-day-and-i-just-gave-you-one ironic way.

But he opened it up, stared at it, and looked up at me and smiled in the most genuine way, like the gesture had actually touched him. "Thank you, Sarah."

"You're welcome," I told him, smiling back, and then I turned around and left first, because my heart was pounding so fast and I felt like I was going to fall over right in front of him if I didn't leave right then.
I was so flustered, I didn't even realize that I was heading the wrong way for my next class, causing me to have to take the long way and be a minute or two late.

I think that was when I really realized how much I liked Ricky Bobby. The way he got so happy over a little cheap cartoon Valentine just....overwhelmed me. Like really, how adorable is that?

That was always a personality trait I liked in RB. He was always so appreciative of the littlest things. (See my first entry, where I talk about the going away present I gave him.) I think that's a nice trait to have.

Anyway, my Valentine's Day this year was...very uneventful. Usually I do something that I love or something that's fun to chase away the blues but this year I just...did nothing. Haha. I watched TV and surfed the Internet. I watched Ridiculousness with my mom for a little bit, but after a while my mood turned sour so I went up to my room and listened to music. Yep. Pretty lame.

Not like it's a rule to do something special on V-day anyway, but still. Not a memorable day in the slightest.

But at least I have the memory of that Valentine's to remember. It's very sweet, and even though Ricky Bobby is out of my life now, I'll cherish that nice memory.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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And just when you thought she was gone...}
Sunday, February 13, 2011 | 9:20 PM | 0Comment

Hello, Internet! Long time no see.

I've since gotten over my cold since last entry, and after life decided to throw me down and kick me in the stomach, I've bounced back and I'm back to 100%!

...well at least I was, until I realized it was February. February. The bane of my mother effing existence.

And I'd pretty much handled it well up until today. You know, all the Valentine's Day sales ads, triple the amount of jewelry store commercials, so much pink and purple everywhere that it looks like an army of Carebears threw up. I was taking it surprisingly well up until now.

Today me and Best Friend Rose decided to do our Valentine's Day early, since the real V-day this year is on a Monday and it would be weird to try and do something after school. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I had breakfast and got dressed so I could go to Walgreens and get her gift. I picked out some gummy roses, a cute heart picture frame, and a Disney Princess card(it was Snow White, just an FYI.)

Right after that, me and Mom went to pick Rosie up so she could hang out for a few hours at my house. We had originally planned to have Ashley (Rosie's oldest sister) pick us up from my house to go see Burlesque at the dollar theater around 6, but we decided to go to the mall first before the movie. SO, we went to the mall around 4.

Now. I was dressed pretty casually, in a gray heart sweater and a high rise skirt (doesn't sound very casual, but for some reason skirts+tights/leggings have become the norm for me these days. Funny, because in Middle School I wouldn't touch a skirt with a 10-foot pole.) I also had very minimal makeup on, which I've been doing a lot more these days for no reason in particular, just because I guess. But I obviously wasn't looking for any attention (even just the word 'attention' gives me hives, okay.) I think that's part of the reason why this happened like it did.

Let me start from the beginning. So. We're at the mall. And by some insane twist of fate, we're there at the same time as one of Rose's exes, one of which their break-up did not go well at all. So after we spot him and his friend, we basically play the avoid-an-awkward-meeting-with-the-ex game and try to stay as far from them as possible. So while we were doing this, I suggest, 'Hey! Why don't we go into Hot Topic!' partly because I figure it wouldn't be his type of store, and partly because I haven't been there in forever, so we go in.

I'm oohing and ahhing over everything I see, and Rose trails me around the store patiently. I finally decide on a really cute headband with a huge sequined bow on it, and I go stand in line to pay. Totally normal. Right? I was perfectly fine. Until I got up to the register.

Why? Oh, nothing. Except register-guy is fine. Like, FOINE. And I very rarely use that term seriously.
Tall. Blonde hair with brown highlights, long and spiky. Lip ring. Totally hot. And it's weird because I thought I stopped being into that 'type' a while ago, but I mean, wow.

And I did okay at first. I did acknowledge that he was attractive, yes, but I held it together pretty well. He asked how it was going, quietly, and I responded with a 'fine' and reciprocated the question.

He gestured to the headband I was purchasing and asked if my fashion inspiration was Lady Gaga, and that he bet that I got compared to her a lot. I chuckled and said that he'd be surprised at how often I didn't get compared to her. Good so far, right? I had just the right amount of equal parts flirty and seemingly uninterested. I was doing good.

But then he asks, "So, are you in school?"

Somehow it feels like I've been found out. My resolve and confidence waver a little. "Uhm, yeah. I'm a junior." I almost say 'I'm a junior in high school', but don't want him thinking that I think he's dim, do I?

He nods like he hadn't expected that answer, but that he was cool with it. And I think about how hot his lip ring is. And then he says something else. But I totally don't even hear him because I'm ogling his lip ring.

And when I snap out of it and see him looking at me expectantly, I lose my cool. I mean, if I had any cool at all to begin with, I lost it. I lost all of it.
I suddenly get jittery and answer with the most generic answer, 'yeah', because one that could easily fit with any kind of question, although that's not necessarily a good thing. For all I know, he could of asked, 'So what do you think about airline food?' and 'Yeah!' isn't really a good answer for that.

And I could tell that 'yeah' didn't make sense with what he had asked me at all, because he just looks at me blankly, like he was maybe questioning himself if I was mentally retarded. So I scramble to cover up my mistake, and after a second of thought, I realize that he possibly could have asked which school I go to, which makes sense, right?

So, I speak again. "Well...uh...yeah....I uh....I used to go to her (pointing to Rosie, who's just staring at me from five feet away, probably listening to all of this happening with pity) school, but um...now I'm homeschooled...and...yeah..." I glance at his facial expression, which hasn't changed since I started talking, which I decide is probably bad, so I keep talking for some reason that I cannot even fathom. "It's uh...not that bad. Yeah...not as bad as people think it is...it's cool..." (Meanwhile he's probably confirming all of those rumors about homeschooled kids in his head right now.)

He just nods without saying anything--bless that man's soul for sparing me, because I was already embarrassed enough as it was--and he hands me my receipt and change, which I almost drop because my hands are shaking. He then hands me my headband because I very nearly forget it in a rush to get the hell out of there.

I take it, smile shakily and say as I turn around, 'Have a nice day', even though IT'S ALREADY NIGHT (though, bless his soul again, he said it back, probably to humor me), and I nearly walk straight into Best Friend Rose.

AND THEN I GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND CURLED UP IN A BALL AND DIED THE END.

I have to say. This tops my record of embarrassing moments. In fact, I think this beats every one of my records, in the past and future, for the rest of my life.

I have never in my life been that nervous around a guy. Ever. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I've never been caught shamelessly ogling a guy while I'm supposed to be having a conversation with him. And maybe it also had something to do with my bad habit of zoning out while guys talk to me because I get too deep in my thoughts. (See entry Noodles and Butter Knives, Oct 2 of last year.)

Either way, it was my fault. Maybe this'll teach me once and for all to actually listen to guys when they talk, instead of creating a narrative in my head.

And so. After that, we went to go see the movie (which I loved, by the way), and I started to feel a little better again. Until I got home and started writing this entry. Hah.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that I'll most likely never see him again, especially since I live in a big city, and I never go to the mall.

And at least I can spend my usual Valentines Day (eating and watching sappy things while simultaneously hating every second of them) knowing that yes, I'm single, but at least I don't have to deal with any guy drama. I don't have to worry about why a guy didn't talk to me that day, or why he didn't text me, or why he doesn't like me. I can live my life without worrying about these things.

Here's to a decent Single Awareness Day, Internet. If you're taken, have a grand ol' time with your significant other, and if you're single like me, screw the romance, just have fun. (And don't talk about your homeschooling when nobody asks about it and don't say 'Have a nice day' when it's already nighttime.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Plus, I get to spend a good part of my Valentine's Day writing a research paper. How's that for romance, hmm?)

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Single Awareness Day.}
Monday, February 15, 2010 | 9:32 AM | 0Comment


Ahh. Valentine's Day. My mortal enemy.


Curse you St. Valentine.


I have so much to tell, Internet. Where to start? To make things make more sense, I think I'll start with a few days before Valentines Day, aka, a few days ago.

The day after I wrote the last entry, I was talking to Jack. He had taken a Twitter break the day before, and I was way too excited when he logged on again. Way. Too. Excited. Heart pounding, giggling, the works. I swear, I almost had to slap myself in the face to calm myself.

I had included him in my Follow Friday, and I knew he would thank me for it, since he always does. He also included me in a special Valentine's day tweet, reading:

"( my username here) (Jordan's username here) ( His chick best friend's username here) They have me suicidal! lol FOLLOW THEM. ♥ "

I was both surprised and shocked to see my username first, considering he flirts with Jordan like mad, and him and his best friend are really close. But, I thought, most likely just a coincidence. I had to stop reading into things. So, I reply:
"Don't be suicidal, silly head. And thanks for the FF! :D"

And he says:
"lol Well you're just too gorgeous, you know? Making me go crazy this Valentine's Day :D lol"

And then I proceed to have some sort of seizure. Yes, he put 'lol' twice and he said it in a joking manner, but to me at this moment, these two sentences somehow translate into something like "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME RIGHT NOW."

After my freak out, I reply, "Hahaha awww thats the sweetest thing I've heard all week. ♥ ♥ Thank you, darlin!"

Yes, I said darlin'. Slap me right now.
Then he said, "Haha, i was just listening to Beautiful Girls and I was like, I'm gonna make my FF special for certain people. :) For V-Day!"

I couldn't concentrate. He thought I was gorgeous?
I agonized over what to say for my next reply, "Aw, thats a sweet idea! I should've done that. Or I would have done one for my Valentine, but I don't have one. D:" 'Cause, you know, saying that doesn't sound desperate or obvious at all.

I assumed he would just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' But instead, he said, "lol I don't got one either... [scoots over to you] [nudges you] How YOU doin'? ;)"

I giggled like a crazy person and then said, "Hahaha. Well, if you don't have a valentine...and I don't have a valentine...hmm. Funny how that works out. ;D"
Was that flirty? I don't know. I thought it was, but while typing it out again just now, it just sounds lame.

And then, being cute as he is, he said, "Well then uh... [clears throat] Sarah, will you do me the great honor of being my first Twitter Valentine? :D"

Unable to possibly contain my excitement, I say, "Hahah I'd be honored! ♥ "

Something comes up, and he has to leave quickly, so he says, "AHH g2g! (my username here) I'll be on later! Sorry, lol. Well continue this later...:D" I quickly say bye, and then I sit there, reading all of our tweets again. I couldn't allow myself to get so overly excited. It was a stupid, meaningless, internet thing. It meant nothing to him, so it was nothing to me....Or not.

I couldn't help myself. I was floating on a cloud the rest of the night.

The next day, he logged on bright and early, and I slept in. I wanted to kick myself in the face for missing him, but when I saw that he announced on his twitter to everyone that I was his Twitter Valentine, I was happy again.

We didn't talk that much that day, because I ended up writing the entire day (remember the manuscript of the novel I wanted to write? My inspiration came back!). And when we did...well. Trust me when I say it's not worth talking about here. Haha. Just boring, casual conversation.
Also, Best Friend Rose slept over, and we talked about this whole thing. She agrees with me when I say I'm going insane , as she should.

Then, the next morning, I log onto Twitter with this tweet from him. "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY MY SWEETS :D"

This one message made my day so much brighter. I'm not going to lie, I melted. Deceivingly so, but I'll get to that in a second. I replied, "VALENTINE!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Sorry I missed you, darlin!"

To which he replied, "It's all right, darrlin. :) How are you today? :D"

Me and Jack talked on and off all day, and I spent the whole day with Rose. We went to her house in the morning, and then me, her, her older sister (let's call her Laura) and her mom went to go pick up her new guy, Jake. This was my first time meeting Jake, considering he goes to school with her. He's a freshman, and he's surprisingly tall, 6'4, or something. He was actually pretty nice, so I didn't have to play the hostile best friend card.

Anyway, we all went bowling, along with Rose's other sister, and lets call her Ashley. She's much older than Laura, and has a 9 year old son, and let's call him Adam. I love that kid. I suck at bowling, badly, but it was really fun. Whenever Rose and Jake would hug or kiss or anything of that nature, though, I found myself looking away, and I didn't know why.

Even after we took Jake home, and after hearing Rose gush about him and their first kiss, and even while being at the movie theatre to go see 'Valentine's Day' and seeing every couple in the freaking world surrounding us, I kept up my happy ignorance. The movie was very cute, and I wanted to enjoy it. I could just pretend it was any other day.

It wasn't until after I got home at 9 at night and after Jack had to log off of Twitter that the loneliness kicked in.

I put my hair up in a messy ponytail, took my makeup off, put my sweats on, got a buttload of chocolate, put on a sappy movie, and then I cried.

It had been something lurking inside of me the entire day, something that usually keeps me company during Valentine's Day, and somehow, it hardly felt like V-day without it. Towards the end of the day, I had begun to wonder why I didn't cried at all that day. Turns out I'm very good at lying to myself. I thought seeing all the couples and everything didn't really bother me. But turns out, it did.

So I cried. I cried for a good hour, thinking about how single I was and how I was almost seventeen and out of all of my friends, I was the only one who had never had a boyfriend their entire life. And I have quite a few friends.

During this mopey time, I thought all the normal things a single person that mopes usually thinks. 'Why did I bother getting so excited over Jack? He doesn't care about me. It was all fake, and I knew that.' 'Is there something wrong with me? There must be, or someone would want me.' 'Am I not pretty enough?' 'Am I too this? Am I too that?' 'I'm so pathetic.' 'My friends always have boyfriends.' 'No one ever likes me.' 'Why is it never me?'

And then I finally stopped. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm smart, and I suppose, all around decent. There was no reason for me to think like that.

And I remembered how I told myself that I don't have time for a relationship right now. When I love someone, I love them with my entire being.

Everything that happened with Ricky Bobby two years ago wasn't real love. He was my first unrequited love, yes, but it wasn't the kind of love where someone loves you back. That was just a peek of how it would be. If I find someone who loved me with that same kind of intense love that I felt for them...I can't even imagine how it will be. My every thought, my every second of every day, my world will revolve around them, that much I know.

And now just isn't the right time for that. I have things to focus on. I have school, my friends, my family, my future. And a relationship would be a huge distraction from all of that.

So last night, I decided something. No more crying over this. This would be the last time I cried over loneliness as a teenager. I promised myself that. I'm strong, and if I can handle my dad going to jail for something he didn't do (he's back and everything's okay now, but that was a very hard time), my house being foreclosed, and my only grandpa dying all in these past two years, I can handle being single.

I already have been single my entire life, so why should it make a difference now? Of course, I know that if I do eventually get in a relationship, I'll probably cry about different things then. It's understandable.

But, I swear on everything, last night will be the last night I cry over being single.

My life won't start when I finally get a boyfriend. My life, as is, is right here, right now. I'm not going to walk around like a zombie, waiting for my life to start again. I need to live it.

I hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day. Despite the last part of it, mine was surprisingly good. Maybe I should actually stop dreading every Valentine's Day and make it memorable, like this one was. This will definitely be one I remember.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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