♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
Leave me a message here, or email me here. ♥






Also...DRINK PARTY!!!}
Sunday, July 29, 2012 | 6:49 PM | 1Comment

This guy. Ahahahah. Oh my god.

When I was online sometime last week, he happened to send me a message while I was still online.

"hello how r u" 

Pretty typical message on OKC. But, I saw his picture, got curious, and decided to look at his profile. And it provided lulz for days to come.

The 'drink party' is what gets me the most, I cannot read it without laughing. Partly because of the grammar, and partly because I picture someone with an exaggerated Borat accent screaming, "DRINK PARTY."

Oh, and look what I underlined! Looking for ages 21-33. What the hell is he doing messaging me for?! Dude's 28 and messaging me with worse grammar than people I know that just graduated high school. And call me crazy, but I don't think a 28 year old man would message a 19 year old to be 'new friends' (refer to the part under I'm Looking For, I partially drew over it). Lol. Just lol.

Also, "wanna chill with". Wanna chill with who? The Queen of England? Lindsay Lohan? We'll never know.

Drink Party has since looked at my profile every day since messaging me that last week. I really hope this is a troll account because if it's an actual profile, I want to quit the universe. But I'm more inclined to think someone made it for the lulz.

Either way, lulz were had.

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Dude. Are you kidding me with this?}
| 6:36 PM | 0Comment

I first got this message from him a few days ago:
"Just saying hi! Hope your week's going well!"
Nice of him, right? I didn't look at his profile, but I decided to respond anyway, because I'll rarely ever get decent friendly messages like that on OKC. So last night I respond with, "Thanks, I hope yours is too! :)" Maybe the smiley face was overkill, but I can't help it, I like smilies.

So then, not even an hour later, I get this. Four messages from this guy in a row, each one minute apart. I kid you not. And when I got the notifications, I was doing something else on my iPod, so getting four push notifications in a row was pretty irritating, lol. I thought maybe it was just a glitch, until I checked my email and saw all these.

Like, holy crap. First of all, couldn't he have put them all in one message? I mean really. Why spam me with four little ones with mostly single sentences in them?! This wasn't IM, either. It was in email! I don't...I can't...

This is what they said, in order of message, and I quote:

Message 1: Thanks!
Message 2: We have alot in common haha. I'm probably not as big a book worm as you but I can be a dork
Message 3: Oh and coffee, Italian, not a big partier or drinker also ha
Message 4: Have you traveled much?

...........See, these give me the impression of one aspect of online dating that I never really liked. The 'selling points'. When a person lists off their best qualities one after the other in a single sentence in hopes of you 'buying'. I never liked that. Like, I'm not buying a car here. I'm looking for a relationship. And why try to 'sell' yourself to everybody, most of whom you probably wouldn't have a connection with anyway? That's what makes me so uncomfortable.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be polite, haha. I hardly ever respond to messages on OKC anymore, and I thought I'd start to again, even if it's just to be polite. Perhaps this is why I stopped?

Also, I feel like the 'dork' statement was supposed to be a selling point for me. Should I be...flattered? Haha.

Sigh. Oh OKC.

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Well, it's that time again, isn't it?}
Tuesday, July 10, 2012 | 3:11 PM | 2Comment

Oh, Internet. Can I be straight with you?

It's that time again.

No, not my period, I finished that a few days ago, but thanks for asking. (Period jokes. Funny? Not funny? Gross? Probably the last one.)

Nope. It's that time again when I blog to whine about being single.

I KNOW, I KNOW. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while are probably so sick of this, and for that I give you my sympathies. Trust me, I'm getting tired of it too. But when you've essentially had a non-stop romantic dry spell for a consecutive 19 years it's hard not to complain at least a little bit.

A few days ago, I had an emotional day. To be fair, I was on the tail end of my period, and my emotions tend to get haywire and the last days of it, so it was to be expected. But still, I felt pretty lousy. I basically went to bed the night before crying and then woke up and started crying some more.

I just kept thinking about how all this time, hell, throughout all of my teenage years until now, I've never ever had a boyfriend. Ever.

Boyfriend? What is that? Is it a sport?? Is it something I can play on a gaming console???

But seriously though. It's like.....I keep looking at all these people around me that have at the very least--at the very least--had one relationship. Everyone. Every single person that I know. Literally. All in different shapes and sizes, different personalities, lifestyles, religions, what have you. They've all been in at least one relationship. And then there's me.

It's not even like I mope around 24/7 always weeping at my singleness and wailing to the heavens "WHY ME?!?" I'd like to think that to people that don't know me very well, I seem to handle it very well, almost like I don't even care. And really, half the time, I don't. Half the time I just think, 'Well yeah, I haven't had a boyfriend, but I'll get one eventually, so who cares? I don't need one right now anyway.'

But then also half of the time, I think about it, I mean really think about it, and just think: 'What did I do to deserve this?'

And it's not that I'm desperate or anything, because if I was truly desperate, I would have just gone for anybody by now. If I were desperate, I would just throw myself at any guy that shows me the slightest bit of attention, whether they were good for me or not.

Hell no, I don't do that. I would never do that. Why? Because I have standards, and I respect myself more than that.

And I'd also like to think that when the time comes for my first relationship, I'll be very cautious about getting into it, because I know how easily I can get hurt. I know it doesn't seem like it from the other side of the computer screen, but I'm really very sensitive. I always have been. I'm better than I used to be, my skin has gotten a lot thicker, but as a kid, if someone even looked at me the wrong way, I would almost start to cry.

I think that's why I really have never initiated any sort of relationship with someone, or have even blatantly shown my interest in someone (besides Phil, that is), because when I'm rejected, I take it very personally. I know that's not the healthy attitude to have with dating, and it can drive a person crazy, but I can't help myself. For me to even muster up the courage to approach someone that way takes so much effort, so much that sometimes I can't even make myself do it, and when that's thrown back in my face, it hurts like hell.

Maybe if I'd ever tried to start anything with anyone, I might have had a boyfriend by now. But something like that is just too risky, too scary to even think about.

And speaking of interest...interest. What does that mean? I don't know anymore.

It's been three years now since I've last had a crush on somebody. Three stinkin' years. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore.

I admit, Drew came close. I thought I was starting to develop some sort of feelings for him, starting, but as soon as he passively rejected me after the ONE date I went on with him, that all went in a fat flaming rocket straight to hell. And even though Phil was the last guy I had a 'crush' on, I'm still hesitant to call it that.

My crush on Phil was never the nervous-to-be-around-him, weak-everytime-I-look-at-him, I-can't-remember-how-to-breathe-properly-when-he-smiles-at-me crush. It was just a "Oh hey, you're kinda cute. Oh you think I'm cute, too? Well then I think I probably like you." kind of thing. Not in the least bit serious, and I'm prone to having serious crushes, so I don't know how that even happened. Plus Phil, as I've learned in the past 3 years since, isn't prone to having anything serious, so I guess I dodged that bullet while I was ahead.

So, yeah. Crushes. What are those? Unless you count celebrity crushes, which most people don't, then I haven't had one of those in a long time. And no one's had one on me, that I know of.


It just..........I can't even explain how it feels. It's one giant falcon kick to the stomach, you know? It doesn't feel good at all, not one little bit, and the pain kind of leaves you breathless. 


It's like....this is how it feels not to be wanted. And I mean really, truly, wanted. For who you are. And I've felt that way for a few people my whole life, but no one's felt that way for me. I don't think there's anything worse in this entire world.


How to remedy this? I honestly have no idea. 


There's online dating, but ever since Drew, that seems to have made things worse. I've since discovered that it's really not for me, and I haven't met anyone on there to convince me otherwise. 


There's also continuing on with life, try to ignore it, and accomplish things in the meantime, only I've been doing that for a long time, and the feeling gets worse with time. And I keep thinking about all the things people around me have experienced that I haven't (in terms of romance). First hand holding. First kiss. First prom date. Sometimes even first love. And it conjures up this unbearable bitterness inside of me.


It's cheesy, I know. But all I want is someone that thinks I'm attractive, and tells me. Someone to call me annoying, cringe-worthy pet names. Someone to hug me just because. Someone to talk to and to ask how I'm doing, because they want to. Someone to kiss me and mean it. Someone to want me. Someone to call me theirs. And someone that I can do all of that for in return. That's all I want. Is that too fucking much to ask for?


I'm only 19, and I know none of that is important right now. I know I don't need a boyfriend, or a relationship. But I want one. For God's sake, JUST ONE. That's all I want right now.

I know it inevitably ends in heartbreak, and I'm still scared of being hurt, but honestly my bitterness right now is overwhelming any of those fears. And I feel like this feeling is worse than heartbreak, because at least with heartbreak I would have known what it feels like to be wanted at some point. I just hate that I haven't experienced this not even once in my whole life, and I'm so sick of feeling this way.

And even if I had a crush right now, and it was unrequited (as always), at least I would know what it feels like to want someone. I don't even have that.

This sounds so dramatic, I'm sorry. But this feeling has just been building up and building up and up and up and at this point I don't know when it'll end.

I haven't even logged onto my OKCupid account lately because even though I'm not desperate, I'm sure as hell getting there. It would be dangerous to even log in while feeling this way, because I might forget my standards altogether and say yes to the first guy that propositions me. (Kidding, I wouldn't. But I would consider it for longer than I care to admit.) I'll stay away from it until I calm down. Or maybe get some therapy.

So, what to do about it? Nothing. As always.

Since I'm so emotional right now I think I'll go write. I always have written better when I'm emotional.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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Vintage Hopeless Romantic.}
Saturday, July 7, 2012 | 11:44 PM | 0Comment

Internet. I just found this old school notebook that I kept in the 8th grade, and I wrote this diary-entry-type-thing in it that's just so hysterical and embarrassing that I had to post it here. Did I mention it's embarrassing? Yeah. It's so embarrassing. I literally cringed the whole time I read it.

Ready for this? Might want to do some facial stretches in preparation for the strenuous amounts of cringing you're about to do. No, really. I'll wait. Done? Okay, here we go.

THINGS TO GET ORGANIZED:
To like, or not to like? That is the question.
New kid. Hmm. Well...I like adorably cute guys...like Chris [Moy, from Menudo 2.0. Obsessed with boybands even then.]. And he's cute. 
Soooo...idk. I could start to like him...but...
He could be just like the other guys and nothing new at all. So I shouldn't get my hopes up. =( But still...it could be the ~*Start of Something New*~ [Yes. That was a High School Musical reference.] ...or not. I think I should try maybe to get to know him before I judge.
...Yet, that might be hard...since he, like, hasn't even looked at me yet. =((( Grrrr. Looks like I'll have to work 4 it. Also, okay: Sombrero [insert doodle of a sombrero here]. Hmm. Like, he is so hot, words can't even explain it. He's a little awkward, but I don't care. I want his bod. lol. [STOPS TYPING THIS UP RIGHT NOW TO COMMIT BC DEAR GOD WHY]
But seriously. And I guess I just kinda sorta like him...maybe? But he doesn't like me back. Totally not. =/ If he did, I would have completely and utterly noticed it by now. And...he just doesn't!! D= [Calm down, omg.] 
And, Lip Gloss. [Yes. I codenamed a guy Lip Gloss. Something having to do with him...liking my lip gloss...or retrieving it after I dropped it...or something. I don't know, hahaha.]
Hoo, boy. Where to start? I. hate. him. He is such a smart alec, Brad Pitt wannabe, player playboy, hot-or-cold, hardass jerk. [...........I'm sorry, what?] 
Yeah. DD< The only good thing abt him? Umm. He dresses nice? Yeah. He's not even nice! He talks abt people behind their backs all the time! I wouldn't be surprised if he talked about me, but I could honestly care less [sic]. He's so freakin' full of himself, its discusting [sic]. I can't believe I even *kind of* liked him. He's horrid!
Hmm, yeah.......
So, the boys @ this school just suck. lol. Basically. Hopefully this new guy is better than all of this.
And so, in the meantime, I'll just plan my loveless Valentine's Day...I think I'll watch chick flicks and eat Ben and Jerry's. [I did that back then, too? Wooow.] =/

And that's how it ends.

Well, first of all, damn I was obnoxious. Or maybe that's just how eighth grade girls act? I can't tell, really. But if I actually acted like that everyday then it's no wonder boys didn't like me, lol. What's with the title of it? 'Things to get organized?' What things? Was I referring to boys as 'things'?!

But let's see. I actually remember who all of these guys are, and coincidentally, these were all guys I liked right before I developed the crush on Ricky Bobby. Same school year and everything.

New Guy: He started at my school either at the very end of first semester, in 2007, or right at the beginning of second semester, 2008. At the time, he was a little short (he was maybe an inch taller than me, like 5'4), had dirty blonde hair that curled up at the ends, has these huge brown eyes, freckles, and a trillion watt smile with perfect teeth. Oh man, he was adorable. I remember the day he first came to school, he was all all of the girls in my grade were talking about the whole day. Heck, the whole first week. Every girl in our grade had a crush on him at some point, I swear. As did New Guy for every girl in our grade. Haha. I had a little thing for New Guy, that is until I found out how much he liked the ladies. Unfortunately, his innocent, boyish, adorable looks were deceiving, because I swear guys, he had a crush on every girl in my grade at least once. If not every girl, at least every 'popular' girl. It was kinda funny though, because evidently the popular girls were the only girls immune to his charms, and they gave him no chance whatsoever. Which proved to be torture for anyone who was friends with him on Myspace, because everytime he was rejected, oh boy, did he let everyone know. He let the whole freaking INTERNET know of his rejection woes. As in, he was one of those people posting either super depressing lyrics as their status, or posting things like 'WHY CAN'T I EVER FIND HAPPINESS' and 'I'LL DIE ALONE'. Yeah. Yikes. New Guy was nutso. I'd be lying if I said the last time I saw him that I didn't still find him cute. He's so cute. And he's a sweet guy, he really is. Even when he obscenely hooked up with Kelly* by the pool at our freshman retreat, I still found him kinda sweet afterwards. Kinda. And there was a brief moment of time, possibly a week, where I specifically remember him flirting madly with me on several occasions with Ricky Bobby right freaking there, with RB staring on the whole time. Hahaha. I owe him one.

Sombrero: Good god. What kind of nickname is that? Maybe there was something with him having to do with a sombrero at some point, but I cannot remember what it was. Either way, what the hell? Anyway, Sombrero was in the grade below mine. Deep tan skin, short black hair, dark eyes, nice smile, tall, nice muscles. He was a cutie for sure. But like I had (not so gracefully) mentioned in the entry above, he was kinda strange. And kinda...dumb. Lol. Football player and all. Probably, admittedly, the only football player I've ever been remotely interested in. But I'm totally not even saying that to be mean, he just was...out there, man. Out there. He'd open his mouth to say something and you'd be like, ".....what?!" This whole 'crush' was very short lived though, because I soon found out that my friend Camille* liked him, so I backed off, because you know. Girl code. And then I very quickly got over that whole thing.

Lip Gloss: .....okay. Out of all of these nicknames, this might actually be tied with Sombrero for the worst. Seriously? Lip Gloss? What the hell is that? I mean, I know I still come up with stupid nicknames for guys now, but come on. At least they're not this weird, lol. ANYWAY. As you can see, I had a like/hate thing going for Lip Gloss. He was actually best friends with Fiddy in middle school, like attached-at-the-hip best friends. I never paid any attention to Lip Gloss at the beginning of the school year, because I was too distracted by Fiddy (again, SO glad I got over that as soon as I did. Whew.). But I had the same 7th period English class with him (and ironically, Ricky Bobby was in that class too. Huh.), and I'm not sure what happened, but one day I started to see him differently (and something tells me it had something to do with lip gloss. I don't know. Lol. I HAD TO HAVE NAMED HIM THAT FOR SOME REASON.) and uh...maybe he did with me? Or maybe he thought it would be fun to mess with me. I suspect it was the latter, because he's a huge douche bag, then and now. But he was always constantly flirting with me in English class, since we sat next to each other. Stuff like, getting my attention just to say something that he knew would make me laugh, noticing small stuff like my new shoes, or how I curled my hair that day, teasing me, etc. I even remember one time when we had to write short stories for an assignment, and he teased me saying that in the story he wrote, I was the lead character. Lol, right. Of course I was, Lip Gloss. I admit, he was good. If all he wanted was a flirting buddy for a few months, he got it. Shortly after those few months, he lost interest (and I use that term very lightly. We got different seats in English class, and after that, BAM. I didn't exist anymore.), and after that, so did I. Good thing I borderline hated him to begin with, because then he wasn't hard to get over at all. (Only took Christmas break to get over him, actually. I remember this because it was literally RIGHT after Christmas break that I started developing feelings for Ricky Bobby. In fact, I think part of the reason Ricky Bobby started to appeal to me around this time was because he was an angel compared to what an asshole Lip Gloss was. Huh.)

Funny how throughout all this time, though, that I still continue using nicknames for guys and still eat ice cream and watch chick flicks on Valentine's Day. Old habits die hard, perhaps?

Something else I find funny is how many guys I was interested in during Middle School. Lordy. I mean, compare this to the one guy a had a crush on, albeit very briefly (Phil) during High School, and geez, man. Either I've gotten way pickier or I've run out of potential love interests permanently, hahaha. Of course, the past three years in homeschool, I've found many unattainable celebrity guys to take interest in, but that's a another therapy session.

Anywho, pretty interesting all around. Oh, and, note to 8th grade Sarah: it's not cute to use chatspeak and 'like' every five seconds. You sound unbelievably annoying. Just saying.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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The last night in this house.}
Sunday, July 1, 2012 | 12:02 AM | 0Comment

I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. I think it finally hit me how I'll never sleep here again after tonight, and how much I'll miss this place.

I went through some hard stuff here, but it was also my haven at times.

I'll miss how there's a ridiculous amount of vents in my bathroom, and so whenever we have the a/c on in the summertime it's like a refrigerator, and whenever we have on the heat in the winter, it's toasty warm.

I'll miss how there's two sinks in there even through I only ever used one.

I'll miss the almost pink, almost cream color that my walls have been painted ever since before we moved here. It's probably the only room I'll ever get with pink walls, and strangely, even though I never knew I wanted pink walls, I'll miss having them.

I'll miss how this bedroom never failed to become a convector oven in the afternoon, summer, spring, winter or fall. Even when it was -10 outside, if the sun was out, it would be piping hot in there by afternoon. Don't ask me why I'll miss this, I really have no idea. Even though it was annoying, and it was unbearable sometimes, it was charming in a way.

I'll miss air conditioning in general. (The new house doesn't have air conditioning. And my state is currently going through consistent late nineties heat. Dear god help us all.)

I'll miss the fireplace downstairs, because you can see through it on both sides and it's really cool.

I'll miss living across the street from Walgreens. The people that work there see us so often that they recognize us by face immediately and greet us, I'm surprised they don't know us by name.

Believe it or not, I'll miss living right next to a busy street. I've gotten so used to the traffic noise that I'll probably have a hard time falling asleep without it for a while.

I'll miss being not even a block away from a park.

I'll miss walking through my neighborhood through the many winding paths that weave between people's backyards. I discovered it with Jazz when we were feeling adventurous maybe two years ago, and since then, regrettably, I've only walked through it a few times. I wish I had done it more often, it was so peaceful and nice. The only problem with it was that you could see straight into people's backyards, and sometimes dogs would bark at you. (One time, someone's HUGE white dog got so wound up barking at us and jumping at the fence that me and Jazz thought he was going to leap over the fence, so we turned back around and ran, lol.) That's something that my new neighborhood doesn't have, and it's a bigger neighborhood and not as safe, so that's kind of too bad.

I'll miss the cozy layout of this house. The new one is bigger, which is much better for us, but I will miss the snug feel of this one.

Last, but not least, I'll miss the virtual sound-proofness of this room. I swear, I would do anything up here with my door closed (play my music as loud as the volume will possibly go, scream at the top of my lungs, laugh loudly, etc) and nobody else in the house could hear. The new house, I'm not so sure. I guess we'll see?

As I've been packing up my bedroom, and my old school office, it's hitting me more and more that this stage in my life has come to an end, and a new one is starting. Even though it's hard, I'll always have the memories made in this house, and nothing can ever replace those.

So, this is goodbye. But with goodbyes, other doors can be opened. Let's see where this one leads.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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