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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Also, 4th Blog-a-versary!}
Thursday, May 31, 2012 | 4:36 PM | 0Comment

Happy 4th Blog-a-versary to me!

Wow, four years, huh? And at my 120th entry. Crazy. It doesn't seem that long, but four years is a pretty long time, especially when it involves the Internet. Not even Myspace's popularity lasted for that long. Bazinga!!

But really, that's crazy to think about. In my last blog-a-versary entry, I was talking about starting to text Drew. Hah. Hah. Hahaha. Little did I know how short that whole thing would last. (In fact, looking back, that fell apart not even a whole month after that entry. Woooow.)
Also since then, I've gotten past him, talked to a few other nice guys on OKC, gone through some stuff with Jazz, gone through some stuff with my family, gone through some stuff with myself and gone through some real serious stuff with school. Huh. This year I went through a lot of stuff. Some good, a lot bad, but hey, you can't win 'em all, right?

Once again, thanks to those of you that have stuck by me and put up with my novel-length rants and complaining, and for some reason enjoyed reading about it, haha. I sound annoying to myself sometimes, so for those of you that have put up with me this long, I give you a piece of virtual rainbow cake.  You guys' support is always appreciated, and I love you for it! So thank you. ♥

Enjoy metaphorically eating it!
Here's to another year of ranty entries full of complaints, overanalyzing, and freak outs (though hopefully not too many of those)!

xo Hopeless Romantic


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When it rains, it pours.}
| 3:38 PM | 0Comment

But sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?

Internet, even though I just graduated two weeks ago, there's already lots of changes happening. For one thing, we're moving.

Yup. Moving to a new house.

It's interesting, because when my mom told me, I wasn't all that surprised. For the past month, I've had the distinct feeling that something was going on that everyone wasn't telling me, probably for the sake of me not being more stressed than I already was. Plus, I don't exactly have a good record of handling moving well. (Look to this entry and this one.) So, I'm sure they were pretty worried about my reaction. But when she told me, my exact reaction was 'Oh'.

I know! It was...weird. I felt a little disappointed. After all, we had spent 3 years here. A good amount of my high school years was spent here. And the last 3 years of high school, good or not, my whole life was this place. This is the place where I grew as a person. And for that, I'll always love this house.

But it was also the place where I have harbored some serious emotional baggage. It's the place I first started to realize who my true friends are in my life, and where my priorities should lie. It's the place where I realized that not everyone will be there for you. It's the place where I learned, unfortunately at times, what it's like to be alone for too long.

I love this house. I do. It has its flaws (like how the back of it is RIGHT next to a busy street, and we can clearly see the Walgreens across the street from the kitchen window, the backwards door handle on the door of the downstairs bathroom, and the way my room turns into an oven in the afternoon because of poor wall insulation, and the way my bathroom door won't close and lock if it's raining), but they're flaws I've grown to love. I love how the park is just five houses away, and I can walk to it whenever I want. I love how there's a Walgreens and 7-11 right nearby if I feel like making a junk food run. And I'll always love this house for the beautiful memories I've had here.

But, honestly? I'll be happy if I never have to come back to it.

Maybe that's selfish, but I've just had so many hard times here, and I can't help but associate those with this house now. I can't explain it, but it sort of feels like even when I move on in my life, if we were to stay here, those same feelings of depression and loneliness would stay too. And I don't want that.

I feel like this move will be a good chance for me to start over. Officially. I'm not 'homeschooled Sarah' anymore. I've graduated. I'm moving on. And I think that moving houses would really help with that.

These past few years have made me start to crave change. And where I used to dread change and push it away, now, as I've gotten older, I've started to embrace it. Maybe that's a part of growing up too.

So, there's that. My parents haven't really been upfront about how much time we have left in this house, but I'm getting the gist that the owner wants us out, and soon, because he wants to sell it. When I mentioned in passing about ordering something online with my graduation money, my dad said I should probably wait until we move. When I asked him if we would be out of the house before even the two weeks that it takes to ship this item, he said yes. Sounds pretty soon to me. I should probably start packing, haha.

Something else that's changing this summer are my interests. (Not kpop, lol. Pretty sure that's here to stay for a good while!) But something I wanted to start this summer was dance lessons.

I know, I KNOW. Wait, it gets better!!

I was thinking of taking beginner adult ballet lessons.

.......Okay, you can stop laughing hysterically now.

No, seriously! I've been considering taking some sort of lessons for a while now, like dance or Taekwondo, but I think that ballet would be the best option for me, and for various reasons.

For one: I'm out of shape. Like, reaaaaaally out of shape. And before you say anything, I'm not calling myself fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just...severely out of shape. For reals. Like, I think spending all this time inside, not just for the past few months, but the past few years, made my muscles disintegrate. I'm just skin and bones, and in between them are squishy jello-y parts that I think used to be my muscles.
I get easily winded going up stairs, and I get sore from even just walking around all day. (Like, the day after my graduation? There were parts of me sore that I didn't know even existed. And that was just from WALKING AROUND.)

Also, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, and when I leaned on my leg weird, I threw my knee out. I kid you not. Seriously, my health is terrible right now.
So, I need to work on getting in shape again, because I know being as inactive as I am right now, and being as young as I am, is dangerous. And since I'm not even a little bit athletic (the thought of me being on a soccer or a basketball team makes me laugh a little. I mean really, I just started thinking about it just now, and I burst out laughing. I'm laughing now as I type this.), I think dance might be the better option for me.

Another reason I want to sign up for lessons is that I'm uncoordinated. Really. I'm so bad at.....moving. In general. I trip over air at least once a day. I'm constantly dropping things and constantly off balance. And on top of that, when I'm in public and I feel uncomfortable or awkward, it worsens tenfold. Which makes my awkwardness worse. Which makes my general confidence and self esteem worsen as well.

So, I think taking ballet lessons would help with my coordination, my balance, and my confidence too, considering I would have to learn routines and dance in front of my teacher and the other people in my class each lesson. It'll be difficult at first, for sure, and maybe the first few lessons I'll feel like quitting, but I think it will be really good for me in the long run. And if it isn't? Nothing lost, except for a little bit of cash. Plus, I'd get to keep the cute leotard, tights, and slippers.

The past few years, after quitting volleyball right after middle school, I'd been thinking I needed a new hobby. So maybe, just maybe, this could fit me well. I could really love it. And if not? Then at least I tried and can say I did it!

So after we move, I might get to sign up for that. I already found a dance studio I want to take them at, and for a reasonable price, so I'm excited for that!

Two more things I might be doing this summer: a part-time job and therapy.

I know, a part-time job is a given, since I've been saying that every summer since the ninth grade, lol. But therapy is definitely a must.

As you could probably tell from reading this entry, and previous entries from the past few months in general, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional roller coasters this year. Not just 2012 so far, but this past school year. It was pretty difficult, and I know that things could have been much worse, which I'm thankful for, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it.

I talk to my parents about it, and they are always there for me and I love them for it, but I also feel like I might need some professional help, lest I keep them harbored inside of me to create deeper problems later in life. This past winter, my mom had mentioned to me a few times that she thinks I may have depression, and I think she might be right. I don't want to be over paranoid about it, but bipolar disorder runs in her side of the family, and so I feel like I shouldn't completely rule that out. To just be sure that it was personal problems I was going through the past year, and not serious health problems, therapy is something that I want to do as well.

The past few months, although I've had fun times, in the background, I've just...felt sad. Not like 'oh, woe is me, I have problems! My life sucks!' or anything like that, just...sad. I haven't really openly acknowledged it until now because acknowledging it would have made it real. Because even when I tried to be okay, deep down inside I knew I wasn't. And I still sort of feel that way. That isn't normal. And I've had a few periods in my life where I've felt that way.

So, I just want to get this sorted out. And I want to feel genuinely happy again. Right now, I feel better. I feel much better than I have for months now that school's over. But I know that there's things inside of me that I still need to fix. So that I can feel myself. I know it won't happen right away, but in the long run, it'll be worth it. Because I'm tired of feeling anxious, of feeling insecure all the time. I just want to be me again.

The next few months will be full of change, tons of it, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for my life to go in this new direction.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A High School girl no longer.}
Sunday, May 20, 2012 | 4:56 PM | 0Comment

Internet.

I did it. I made it. And it's official now.

I am officially out of High School, and I have the diploma to prove it.
First off, remember how it said in the last entry that me finishing all my work hadn't hit me yet? Well Friday, the day I had grad rehearsals, it finally did.

I had to wake up balls early--freaking 5 am--so we could leave on time to make it there by 9. The school that the graduation was at was two towns away, and a really really long drive, so we had to leave by 6. Yeah. So after facing the trauma of waking up that early (I haven't had to wake up before the sun comes up in a verrrry long time), drive-thru breakfast, and the 2 hour drive, we finally arrived.

I guess this hadn't occured to me before we got there, but the school that grad was at was still in full swing,which makes sense. Even for being seniors, my school's seniors got out of school pretty early compared to other schools'. So when we pulled into the school, there were school buses, kids standing around the parking lot, and kids walking onto the campus. And it hit me like a ton of bricks--this was a real high school. A real high school that I was about to graduate at. Because I'm done with High School. Forever.

The weight of it just hit me so suddenly like that and it took everything in me not to immediately start crying.

Were they happy tears? Was it sadness? I think it was a little bit of both.It finally just hit me that I was about to graduate, and I had no more High School left, and it really was over, and I never had to set foot on a high school campus ever again after this. On one hand, I hated High School. I hated dealing with people my age, I hated being required to take math classes, and I hated feeling like I never fit in. On the other hand, I liked it. A lot. And I know one day I'm going to miss it. Because I'll never be this young again, and this was a one time shot. No more school dances, no more detentions (although I got away from those for good three years ago, haha), no more.

I've been through a lot during my 4 years of high school. Some good, some really bad, but I got through it in the end. I honestly feel like now that I've gotten through this, I can get through anything.

Yesterday, it rained during my graduation. The forecast had said there was a slight chance of it, and they had planned some things in advance if it really had, but come early Saturday morning, boy was it coming down. I mean, pounding down rain, and freezing wind. And I was wearing a white lace sundress with white sandals under my gown. Hahaha. Yup.

At first, when we all got there by 8:30, we were waiting around and they told us that we may have it inside instead.Which would have actually sucked, because then they would have it in the small auditorium with just two family members able to sit inside and watch, and then have the rest of the guests sit in the cafeteria and broadcast it via a live feed on a projection screen (which would have really sucked for them). But then, when 9:45 rolled around, they decided the would definitely postpone it till 11 instead of having it at 10. More waiting.

In the middle of all this waiting, though, I made some friends. On the day of practice, most of all of us just stayed silent and stayed out of each other's way, considering none of us actually knew each other. But yesterday, I think we'd finally warmed up to each other, and everyone was chatting with everyone.

Early on in the day, about 20 minutes after I'd gotten there, I met Karly*. She was down to Earth, had tattoos, and was funny. Me and her basically hung out the whole day, which was a relief after the day before. I also met her two younger brothers and her boyfriend of 5 years. Also cool. She told me that they'd started dating in the 8th grade and even though she'd moved twice since then, they stayed together. Respect.

And it was sort of random, but the day before, I recognized a guy in my class. He'd actually gone to my old school with me, but he had been in the grade above mine. Another Ricky Bobby, if you'd believe it. Ricky Bobby 3.0. I talked to him super briefly, and he didn't recognize me at first, but after I told him I went to school with him, he said I looked familiar. So, yeah. Crazy right? Huh. Small world.

I also met two other Sarahs on graduation day, haha. One was really shy, but nice, and she had black and blonde hair. She hung out with me and Karly part of the time. The other Sarah was SUPER short, like 4'8 short, but outgoing and hilarious. She swore like a sailor and had a tongue ring. She stood in line and sat down by me and Karly during the ceremony. She actually wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to walk in the ceremony, because like me she'd barely made it through all her work last week, and she didn't know if she'd passed it all. Despite that, she drove all the way to the ceremony, even knowing she might get turned away. Balls man, balls. So yeah, she was awesome too. Short Sarah, me, and Karly giggled and talked the whole time, as if we were old friends.

We'd just met that day, but it didn't feel like it at all. We all talked about school, the issues and classes that we'd had this year, and what it was like to try to keep a day to day life outside of school. After talking about all that, and having so much in common, it wasn't like they were strangers at all.

Anyway, after delaying it to 11, they decided to have it outside after all. It was ASS COLD out there, but it was better than having to figure out a way for all the guests (because there were A LOT) to watch the ceremony effectively. So at 11, we all walked out in a long line, and when I walked past my family in the bleachers, they yelled at me and I waved in their direction. I couldn't see too well, since I didn't have my glasses on, but I saw my dad standing with Best Friend Rose and her mom. I saw the way they were smiling at me, like they were so proud of me, and I couldn't help but smiling hugely too.

We all made our way to our seats, and then the ceremony began. I didn't mention this before, but the ceremony was 7 schools combined. It included the seniors that actually went to the school, some 150, a few college prep type schools, I think two other online schools like ours, an arts school, and an international school. And get this: we were very last. I know. I KNOW. 7 different valedictorian speeches, 7 schools of students to get through. (To be fair, though, some of the schools classes were smaller. Like, one of the online schools only had 7 seniors. SEVEN. And ours had like 50 or so.) So it was pretty long, but they tried to hurry it along as fast they could, because everyone was cold and it had started to rain again. Me and Short Sarah and Karly chatted the whole time, shivering and trying to keep our minds off of the cold, but having fun anyway. (Just a side comment, but while we were talking, I found out that Short Sarah is going to the same community college I'm going to. Different campus, but still pretty cool!)

When it was finally time for us to go up, and they told us to stand, we walked up there in a line and onto the stage.
Honestly, that whole moment was such a blur, I hardly remember it. I remember being colder than I've been in recent memory. I remember thinking what a shame it was that all the curl fell out of my hair because I woke up at 4 that morning to curl it. I remember getting closer to the stage as the line moved. I remember handing the guy at the microphone a card with my name on it. I slightly, very slightly, remember my name being called and hearing cheers, but I don't remember how loud they were. I remember shaking a bunch of hands. I remember stepping off the stage and having a rose handed to me. And then I remember walking back down the middle aisle and hearing some of the kids from other schools whispering 'Congratulations' at me.

I don't remember thinking anything, specifically. 'Don't slip and fall', maybe. Ever since the Lizzie McGuire movie, I never had been able to get that fear out of my head.

After that, all of us stood and changed our tassels to the left. Then, all of us left our seats and went onto the open field, while 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet was playing over the speakers (our class song, I guess?) and we formed a circle, counted down from three, and threw our caps into the air. I wasn't very adventurous with mine, I threw it about a foot into the air and then quickly caught it because I didn't want it to get muddy, hahaha.

Then, it was over. Just like that. I said goodbye to Short Sarah and Karly, and it was over.

I'd held it together pretty well the whole day up until this point, except for the ride up there early that morning, because I'd started to cry at least 4 times then. But after I went to the cafeteria to pick up my real diploma, and I saw my family and friends there waiting for me, all thirteen of them that were able to come (even though we were only expecting 7!) I came real close. But then, when I was saying goodbye to my teachers, I started talking to my counselor (who I met in person for the first time that morning). Even though I was sad to say goodbye to my English teacher (whom had been my English teacher for the past 3 years, and was one of the reasons I could do my best last week, and heck, the past three years in general), talking to her, I finally lost it. Out of all of the teachers and people that helped me this school year, she single-handedly was my sanity this year. She helped me when I had the wrong schedule at the very beginning of the year, she helped me when I was failing out of AP Lit and I was about to give up on myself, she helped me when I was behind this entire semester, she helped me when I was about to call it quits altogether last week and I was on the edge and I thought I wouldn't even graduate.

It sounds weird, because until yesterday I hadn't even met her in person before, but I swear she helped me the most this year, out of everyone I know, and I owe her so much because of that. And so when we were talking, I felt compelled to tell just how much I appreciated all her help this year, and how thanks to her I felt motivated to keep going. And it was right around that part that I started to cry. I tried to hold it together as I started talking to her, but saying all that aloud and thinking about how grateful I was, I just lost it. I even started to make her tear up a little, and then I started crying harder to the point where I couldn't even talk, so I wrapped it up and said goodbye before the both of us started sobbing. But I felt glad that I could tell her that, because I would have seriously regretted it if I hadn't.

So after that, after saying goodbye to a few more people (including Rosie and her mom, because she had a piano recital to get to!), my family and I went off to go out to eat. And in the car on the way there, I opened my beautiful diploma and stared at it for a few minutes. And then I really started to sob. Because it was there, real, in front of my face, proof that I'd done it.

Proof for all of those times when I'd sat and stared at my computer screen, at all of lessons I had to do, and thought in all honesty, 'I can't do this.' Proof for all the times I didn't want to get out of bed this school year because it was like I was buried alive and I'd already failed and I couldn't get away from it. Proof for all those people that gave me a wary look when I'd explained what online school was and how it worked, because they thought it wasn't real school and that I had it easy. Like hell I did. The past three years were the hardest years of my life.

I learned a lot from it, and I've grown into a better person because of it, and I don't regret it. But there were so many times when I wanted to give up because it didn't feel worth it. But yesterday made me realize that all of that was worth it. To be able to get through that to graduate was worth it. Every single day of it was worth it, and I don't regret it at all.

High School is over, and here is where my new life begins. It'll be so different from now on, but I'm ready. It's time. I'm ready to live it. Because now that I've survived this, I'm smarter, I'm better, and I'm stronger. And no one will ever take that away from me.


All right, post-High School life. Bring it on.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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And One Week Later...}
Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0Comment

I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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For the next week}
Saturday, May 5, 2012 | 8:17 PM | 0Comment

I will be experiencing the seventh layer of hell. May 11th is next week, and I will finish everything if I forgo all normal human behavior and habits. Wish me luck.

As a side note, Blogger's new Beta upgrade is terrifying. It took me a full five minutes to figure out how to create a new entry, haha.

Ugh. One week left of my Senior year and of High School in general. Just one. I can do this. Just one more week.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Enjoy metaphorically eating it!
Here's to another year of ranty entries full of complaints, overanalyzing, and freak outs (though hopefully not too many of those)!

xo Hopeless Romantic


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When it rains, it pours.}
| 3:38 PM | 0 comment
But sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?

Internet, even though I just graduated two weeks ago, there's already lots of changes happening. For one thing, we're moving.

Yup. Moving to a new house.

It's interesting, because when my mom told me, I wasn't all that surprised. For the past month, I've had the distinct feeling that something was going on that everyone wasn't telling me, probably for the sake of me not being more stressed than I already was. Plus, I don't exactly have a good record of handling moving well. (Look to this entry and this one.) So, I'm sure they were pretty worried about my reaction. But when she told me, my exact reaction was 'Oh'.

I know! It was...weird. I felt a little disappointed. After all, we had spent 3 years here. A good amount of my high school years was spent here. And the last 3 years of high school, good or not, my whole life was this place. This is the place where I grew as a person. And for that, I'll always love this house.

But it was also the place where I have harbored some serious emotional baggage. It's the place I first started to realize who my true friends are in my life, and where my priorities should lie. It's the place where I realized that not everyone will be there for you. It's the place where I learned, unfortunately at times, what it's like to be alone for too long.

I love this house. I do. It has its flaws (like how the back of it is RIGHT next to a busy street, and we can clearly see the Walgreens across the street from the kitchen window, the backwards door handle on the door of the downstairs bathroom, and the way my room turns into an oven in the afternoon because of poor wall insulation, and the way my bathroom door won't close and lock if it's raining), but they're flaws I've grown to love. I love how the park is just five houses away, and I can walk to it whenever I want. I love how there's a Walgreens and 7-11 right nearby if I feel like making a junk food run. And I'll always love this house for the beautiful memories I've had here.

But, honestly? I'll be happy if I never have to come back to it.

Maybe that's selfish, but I've just had so many hard times here, and I can't help but associate those with this house now. I can't explain it, but it sort of feels like even when I move on in my life, if we were to stay here, those same feelings of depression and loneliness would stay too. And I don't want that.

I feel like this move will be a good chance for me to start over. Officially. I'm not 'homeschooled Sarah' anymore. I've graduated. I'm moving on. And I think that moving houses would really help with that.

These past few years have made me start to crave change. And where I used to dread change and push it away, now, as I've gotten older, I've started to embrace it. Maybe that's a part of growing up too.

So, there's that. My parents haven't really been upfront about how much time we have left in this house, but I'm getting the gist that the owner wants us out, and soon, because he wants to sell it. When I mentioned in passing about ordering something online with my graduation money, my dad said I should probably wait until we move. When I asked him if we would be out of the house before even the two weeks that it takes to ship this item, he said yes. Sounds pretty soon to me. I should probably start packing, haha.

Something else that's changing this summer are my interests. (Not kpop, lol. Pretty sure that's here to stay for a good while!) But something I wanted to start this summer was dance lessons.

I know, I KNOW. Wait, it gets better!!

I was thinking of taking beginner adult ballet lessons.

.......Okay, you can stop laughing hysterically now.

No, seriously! I've been considering taking some sort of lessons for a while now, like dance or Taekwondo, but I think that ballet would be the best option for me, and for various reasons.

For one: I'm out of shape. Like, reaaaaaally out of shape. And before you say anything, I'm not calling myself fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just...severely out of shape. For reals. Like, I think spending all this time inside, not just for the past few months, but the past few years, made my muscles disintegrate. I'm just skin and bones, and in between them are squishy jello-y parts that I think used to be my muscles.
I get easily winded going up stairs, and I get sore from even just walking around all day. (Like, the day after my graduation? There were parts of me sore that I didn't know even existed. And that was just from WALKING AROUND.)

Also, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, and when I leaned on my leg weird, I threw my knee out. I kid you not. Seriously, my health is terrible right now.
So, I need to work on getting in shape again, because I know being as inactive as I am right now, and being as young as I am, is dangerous. And since I'm not even a little bit athletic (the thought of me being on a soccer or a basketball team makes me laugh a little. I mean really, I just started thinking about it just now, and I burst out laughing. I'm laughing now as I type this.), I think dance might be the better option for me.

Another reason I want to sign up for lessons is that I'm uncoordinated. Really. I'm so bad at.....moving. In general. I trip over air at least once a day. I'm constantly dropping things and constantly off balance. And on top of that, when I'm in public and I feel uncomfortable or awkward, it worsens tenfold. Which makes my awkwardness worse. Which makes my general confidence and self esteem worsen as well.

So, I think taking ballet lessons would help with my coordination, my balance, and my confidence too, considering I would have to learn routines and dance in front of my teacher and the other people in my class each lesson. It'll be difficult at first, for sure, and maybe the first few lessons I'll feel like quitting, but I think it will be really good for me in the long run. And if it isn't? Nothing lost, except for a little bit of cash. Plus, I'd get to keep the cute leotard, tights, and slippers.

The past few years, after quitting volleyball right after middle school, I'd been thinking I needed a new hobby. So maybe, just maybe, this could fit me well. I could really love it. And if not? Then at least I tried and can say I did it!

So after we move, I might get to sign up for that. I already found a dance studio I want to take them at, and for a reasonable price, so I'm excited for that!

Two more things I might be doing this summer: a part-time job and therapy.

I know, a part-time job is a given, since I've been saying that every summer since the ninth grade, lol. But therapy is definitely a must.

As you could probably tell from reading this entry, and previous entries from the past few months in general, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional roller coasters this year. Not just 2012 so far, but this past school year. It was pretty difficult, and I know that things could have been much worse, which I'm thankful for, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it.

I talk to my parents about it, and they are always there for me and I love them for it, but I also feel like I might need some professional help, lest I keep them harbored inside of me to create deeper problems later in life. This past winter, my mom had mentioned to me a few times that she thinks I may have depression, and I think she might be right. I don't want to be over paranoid about it, but bipolar disorder runs in her side of the family, and so I feel like I shouldn't completely rule that out. To just be sure that it was personal problems I was going through the past year, and not serious health problems, therapy is something that I want to do as well.

The past few months, although I've had fun times, in the background, I've just...felt sad. Not like 'oh, woe is me, I have problems! My life sucks!' or anything like that, just...sad. I haven't really openly acknowledged it until now because acknowledging it would have made it real. Because even when I tried to be okay, deep down inside I knew I wasn't. And I still sort of feel that way. That isn't normal. And I've had a few periods in my life where I've felt that way.

So, I just want to get this sorted out. And I want to feel genuinely happy again. Right now, I feel better. I feel much better than I have for months now that school's over. But I know that there's things inside of me that I still need to fix. So that I can feel myself. I know it won't happen right away, but in the long run, it'll be worth it. Because I'm tired of feeling anxious, of feeling insecure all the time. I just want to be me again.

The next few months will be full of change, tons of it, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for my life to go in this new direction.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A High School girl no longer.}
Sunday, May 20, 2012 | 4:56 PM | 0 comment
Internet.

I did it. I made it. And it's official now.

I am officially out of High School, and I have the diploma to prove it.
First off, remember how it said in the last entry that me finishing all my work hadn't hit me yet? Well Friday, the day I had grad rehearsals, it finally did.

I had to wake up balls early--freaking 5 am--so we could leave on time to make it there by 9. The school that the graduation was at was two towns away, and a really really long drive, so we had to leave by 6. Yeah. So after facing the trauma of waking up that early (I haven't had to wake up before the sun comes up in a verrrry long time), drive-thru breakfast, and the 2 hour drive, we finally arrived.

I guess this hadn't occured to me before we got there, but the school that grad was at was still in full swing,which makes sense. Even for being seniors, my school's seniors got out of school pretty early compared to other schools'. So when we pulled into the school, there were school buses, kids standing around the parking lot, and kids walking onto the campus. And it hit me like a ton of bricks--this was a real high school. A real high school that I was about to graduate at. Because I'm done with High School. Forever.

The weight of it just hit me so suddenly like that and it took everything in me not to immediately start crying.

Were they happy tears? Was it sadness? I think it was a little bit of both.It finally just hit me that I was about to graduate, and I had no more High School left, and it really was over, and I never had to set foot on a high school campus ever again after this. On one hand, I hated High School. I hated dealing with people my age, I hated being required to take math classes, and I hated feeling like I never fit in. On the other hand, I liked it. A lot. And I know one day I'm going to miss it. Because I'll never be this young again, and this was a one time shot. No more school dances, no more detentions (although I got away from those for good three years ago, haha), no more.

I've been through a lot during my 4 years of high school. Some good, some really bad, but I got through it in the end. I honestly feel like now that I've gotten through this, I can get through anything.

Yesterday, it rained during my graduation. The forecast had said there was a slight chance of it, and they had planned some things in advance if it really had, but come early Saturday morning, boy was it coming down. I mean, pounding down rain, and freezing wind. And I was wearing a white lace sundress with white sandals under my gown. Hahaha. Yup.

At first, when we all got there by 8:30, we were waiting around and they told us that we may have it inside instead.Which would have actually sucked, because then they would have it in the small auditorium with just two family members able to sit inside and watch, and then have the rest of the guests sit in the cafeteria and broadcast it via a live feed on a projection screen (which would have really sucked for them). But then, when 9:45 rolled around, they decided the would definitely postpone it till 11 instead of having it at 10. More waiting.

In the middle of all this waiting, though, I made some friends. On the day of practice, most of all of us just stayed silent and stayed out of each other's way, considering none of us actually knew each other. But yesterday, I think we'd finally warmed up to each other, and everyone was chatting with everyone.

Early on in the day, about 20 minutes after I'd gotten there, I met Karly*. She was down to Earth, had tattoos, and was funny. Me and her basically hung out the whole day, which was a relief after the day before. I also met her two younger brothers and her boyfriend of 5 years. Also cool. She told me that they'd started dating in the 8th grade and even though she'd moved twice since then, they stayed together. Respect.

And it was sort of random, but the day before, I recognized a guy in my class. He'd actually gone to my old school with me, but he had been in the grade above mine. Another Ricky Bobby, if you'd believe it. Ricky Bobby 3.0. I talked to him super briefly, and he didn't recognize me at first, but after I told him I went to school with him, he said I looked familiar. So, yeah. Crazy right? Huh. Small world.

I also met two other Sarahs on graduation day, haha. One was really shy, but nice, and she had black and blonde hair. She hung out with me and Karly part of the time. The other Sarah was SUPER short, like 4'8 short, but outgoing and hilarious. She swore like a sailor and had a tongue ring. She stood in line and sat down by me and Karly during the ceremony. She actually wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to walk in the ceremony, because like me she'd barely made it through all her work last week, and she didn't know if she'd passed it all. Despite that, she drove all the way to the ceremony, even knowing she might get turned away. Balls man, balls. So yeah, she was awesome too. Short Sarah, me, and Karly giggled and talked the whole time, as if we were old friends.

We'd just met that day, but it didn't feel like it at all. We all talked about school, the issues and classes that we'd had this year, and what it was like to try to keep a day to day life outside of school. After talking about all that, and having so much in common, it wasn't like they were strangers at all.

Anyway, after delaying it to 11, they decided to have it outside after all. It was ASS COLD out there, but it was better than having to figure out a way for all the guests (because there were A LOT) to watch the ceremony effectively. So at 11, we all walked out in a long line, and when I walked past my family in the bleachers, they yelled at me and I waved in their direction. I couldn't see too well, since I didn't have my glasses on, but I saw my dad standing with Best Friend Rose and her mom. I saw the way they were smiling at me, like they were so proud of me, and I couldn't help but smiling hugely too.

We all made our way to our seats, and then the ceremony began. I didn't mention this before, but the ceremony was 7 schools combined. It included the seniors that actually went to the school, some 150, a few college prep type schools, I think two other online schools like ours, an arts school, and an international school. And get this: we were very last. I know. I KNOW. 7 different valedictorian speeches, 7 schools of students to get through. (To be fair, though, some of the schools classes were smaller. Like, one of the online schools only had 7 seniors. SEVEN. And ours had like 50 or so.) So it was pretty long, but they tried to hurry it along as fast they could, because everyone was cold and it had started to rain again. Me and Short Sarah and Karly chatted the whole time, shivering and trying to keep our minds off of the cold, but having fun anyway. (Just a side comment, but while we were talking, I found out that Short Sarah is going to the same community college I'm going to. Different campus, but still pretty cool!)

When it was finally time for us to go up, and they told us to stand, we walked up there in a line and onto the stage.
Honestly, that whole moment was such a blur, I hardly remember it. I remember being colder than I've been in recent memory. I remember thinking what a shame it was that all the curl fell out of my hair because I woke up at 4 that morning to curl it. I remember getting closer to the stage as the line moved. I remember handing the guy at the microphone a card with my name on it. I slightly, very slightly, remember my name being called and hearing cheers, but I don't remember how loud they were. I remember shaking a bunch of hands. I remember stepping off the stage and having a rose handed to me. And then I remember walking back down the middle aisle and hearing some of the kids from other schools whispering 'Congratulations' at me.

I don't remember thinking anything, specifically. 'Don't slip and fall', maybe. Ever since the Lizzie McGuire movie, I never had been able to get that fear out of my head.

After that, all of us stood and changed our tassels to the left. Then, all of us left our seats and went onto the open field, while 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet was playing over the speakers (our class song, I guess?) and we formed a circle, counted down from three, and threw our caps into the air. I wasn't very adventurous with mine, I threw it about a foot into the air and then quickly caught it because I didn't want it to get muddy, hahaha.

Then, it was over. Just like that. I said goodbye to Short Sarah and Karly, and it was over.

I'd held it together pretty well the whole day up until this point, except for the ride up there early that morning, because I'd started to cry at least 4 times then. But after I went to the cafeteria to pick up my real diploma, and I saw my family and friends there waiting for me, all thirteen of them that were able to come (even though we were only expecting 7!) I came real close. But then, when I was saying goodbye to my teachers, I started talking to my counselor (who I met in person for the first time that morning). Even though I was sad to say goodbye to my English teacher (whom had been my English teacher for the past 3 years, and was one of the reasons I could do my best last week, and heck, the past three years in general), talking to her, I finally lost it. Out of all of the teachers and people that helped me this school year, she single-handedly was my sanity this year. She helped me when I had the wrong schedule at the very beginning of the year, she helped me when I was failing out of AP Lit and I was about to give up on myself, she helped me when I was behind this entire semester, she helped me when I was about to call it quits altogether last week and I was on the edge and I thought I wouldn't even graduate.

It sounds weird, because until yesterday I hadn't even met her in person before, but I swear she helped me the most this year, out of everyone I know, and I owe her so much because of that. And so when we were talking, I felt compelled to tell just how much I appreciated all her help this year, and how thanks to her I felt motivated to keep going. And it was right around that part that I started to cry. I tried to hold it together as I started talking to her, but saying all that aloud and thinking about how grateful I was, I just lost it. I even started to make her tear up a little, and then I started crying harder to the point where I couldn't even talk, so I wrapped it up and said goodbye before the both of us started sobbing. But I felt glad that I could tell her that, because I would have seriously regretted it if I hadn't.

So after that, after saying goodbye to a few more people (including Rosie and her mom, because she had a piano recital to get to!), my family and I went off to go out to eat. And in the car on the way there, I opened my beautiful diploma and stared at it for a few minutes. And then I really started to sob. Because it was there, real, in front of my face, proof that I'd done it.

Proof for all of those times when I'd sat and stared at my computer screen, at all of lessons I had to do, and thought in all honesty, 'I can't do this.' Proof for all the times I didn't want to get out of bed this school year because it was like I was buried alive and I'd already failed and I couldn't get away from it. Proof for all those people that gave me a wary look when I'd explained what online school was and how it worked, because they thought it wasn't real school and that I had it easy. Like hell I did. The past three years were the hardest years of my life.

I learned a lot from it, and I've grown into a better person because of it, and I don't regret it. But there were so many times when I wanted to give up because it didn't feel worth it. But yesterday made me realize that all of that was worth it. To be able to get through that to graduate was worth it. Every single day of it was worth it, and I don't regret it at all.

High School is over, and here is where my new life begins. It'll be so different from now on, but I'm ready. It's time. I'm ready to live it. Because now that I've survived this, I'm smarter, I'm better, and I'm stronger. And no one will ever take that away from me.


All right, post-High School life. Bring it on.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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And One Week Later...}
Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0 comment
I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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For the next week}
Saturday, May 5, 2012 | 8:17 PM | 0 comment
I will be experiencing the seventh layer of hell. May 11th is next week, and I will finish everything if I forgo all normal human behavior and habits. Wish me luck.

As a side note, Blogger's new Beta upgrade is terrifying. It took me a full five minutes to figure out how to create a new entry, haha.

Ugh. One week left of my Senior year and of High School in general. Just one. I can do this. Just one more week.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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present me past me