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A High School girl no longer.}

Sunday, May 20, 2012 | 4:56 PM | 0 comment

Internet.

I did it. I made it. And it's official now.

I am officially out of High School, and I have the diploma to prove it.
First off, remember how it said in the last entry that me finishing all my work hadn't hit me yet? Well Friday, the day I had grad rehearsals, it finally did.

I had to wake up balls early--freaking 5 am--so we could leave on time to make it there by 9. The school that the graduation was at was two towns away, and a really really long drive, so we had to leave by 6. Yeah. So after facing the trauma of waking up that early (I haven't had to wake up before the sun comes up in a verrrry long time), drive-thru breakfast, and the 2 hour drive, we finally arrived.

I guess this hadn't occured to me before we got there, but the school that grad was at was still in full swing,which makes sense. Even for being seniors, my school's seniors got out of school pretty early compared to other schools'. So when we pulled into the school, there were school buses, kids standing around the parking lot, and kids walking onto the campus. And it hit me like a ton of bricks--this was a real high school. A real high school that I was about to graduate at. Because I'm done with High School. Forever.

The weight of it just hit me so suddenly like that and it took everything in me not to immediately start crying.

Were they happy tears? Was it sadness? I think it was a little bit of both.It finally just hit me that I was about to graduate, and I had no more High School left, and it really was over, and I never had to set foot on a high school campus ever again after this. On one hand, I hated High School. I hated dealing with people my age, I hated being required to take math classes, and I hated feeling like I never fit in. On the other hand, I liked it. A lot. And I know one day I'm going to miss it. Because I'll never be this young again, and this was a one time shot. No more school dances, no more detentions (although I got away from those for good three years ago, haha), no more.

I've been through a lot during my 4 years of high school. Some good, some really bad, but I got through it in the end. I honestly feel like now that I've gotten through this, I can get through anything.

Yesterday, it rained during my graduation. The forecast had said there was a slight chance of it, and they had planned some things in advance if it really had, but come early Saturday morning, boy was it coming down. I mean, pounding down rain, and freezing wind. And I was wearing a white lace sundress with white sandals under my gown. Hahaha. Yup.

At first, when we all got there by 8:30, we were waiting around and they told us that we may have it inside instead.Which would have actually sucked, because then they would have it in the small auditorium with just two family members able to sit inside and watch, and then have the rest of the guests sit in the cafeteria and broadcast it via a live feed on a projection screen (which would have really sucked for them). But then, when 9:45 rolled around, they decided the would definitely postpone it till 11 instead of having it at 10. More waiting.

In the middle of all this waiting, though, I made some friends. On the day of practice, most of all of us just stayed silent and stayed out of each other's way, considering none of us actually knew each other. But yesterday, I think we'd finally warmed up to each other, and everyone was chatting with everyone.

Early on in the day, about 20 minutes after I'd gotten there, I met Karly*. She was down to Earth, had tattoos, and was funny. Me and her basically hung out the whole day, which was a relief after the day before. I also met her two younger brothers and her boyfriend of 5 years. Also cool. She told me that they'd started dating in the 8th grade and even though she'd moved twice since then, they stayed together. Respect.

And it was sort of random, but the day before, I recognized a guy in my class. He'd actually gone to my old school with me, but he had been in the grade above mine. Another Ricky Bobby, if you'd believe it. Ricky Bobby 3.0. I talked to him super briefly, and he didn't recognize me at first, but after I told him I went to school with him, he said I looked familiar. So, yeah. Crazy right? Huh. Small world.

I also met two other Sarahs on graduation day, haha. One was really shy, but nice, and she had black and blonde hair. She hung out with me and Karly part of the time. The other Sarah was SUPER short, like 4'8 short, but outgoing and hilarious. She swore like a sailor and had a tongue ring. She stood in line and sat down by me and Karly during the ceremony. She actually wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to walk in the ceremony, because like me she'd barely made it through all her work last week, and she didn't know if she'd passed it all. Despite that, she drove all the way to the ceremony, even knowing she might get turned away. Balls man, balls. So yeah, she was awesome too. Short Sarah, me, and Karly giggled and talked the whole time, as if we were old friends.

We'd just met that day, but it didn't feel like it at all. We all talked about school, the issues and classes that we'd had this year, and what it was like to try to keep a day to day life outside of school. After talking about all that, and having so much in common, it wasn't like they were strangers at all.

Anyway, after delaying it to 11, they decided to have it outside after all. It was ASS COLD out there, but it was better than having to figure out a way for all the guests (because there were A LOT) to watch the ceremony effectively. So at 11, we all walked out in a long line, and when I walked past my family in the bleachers, they yelled at me and I waved in their direction. I couldn't see too well, since I didn't have my glasses on, but I saw my dad standing with Best Friend Rose and her mom. I saw the way they were smiling at me, like they were so proud of me, and I couldn't help but smiling hugely too.

We all made our way to our seats, and then the ceremony began. I didn't mention this before, but the ceremony was 7 schools combined. It included the seniors that actually went to the school, some 150, a few college prep type schools, I think two other online schools like ours, an arts school, and an international school. And get this: we were very last. I know. I KNOW. 7 different valedictorian speeches, 7 schools of students to get through. (To be fair, though, some of the schools classes were smaller. Like, one of the online schools only had 7 seniors. SEVEN. And ours had like 50 or so.) So it was pretty long, but they tried to hurry it along as fast they could, because everyone was cold and it had started to rain again. Me and Short Sarah and Karly chatted the whole time, shivering and trying to keep our minds off of the cold, but having fun anyway. (Just a side comment, but while we were talking, I found out that Short Sarah is going to the same community college I'm going to. Different campus, but still pretty cool!)

When it was finally time for us to go up, and they told us to stand, we walked up there in a line and onto the stage.
Honestly, that whole moment was such a blur, I hardly remember it. I remember being colder than I've been in recent memory. I remember thinking what a shame it was that all the curl fell out of my hair because I woke up at 4 that morning to curl it. I remember getting closer to the stage as the line moved. I remember handing the guy at the microphone a card with my name on it. I slightly, very slightly, remember my name being called and hearing cheers, but I don't remember how loud they were. I remember shaking a bunch of hands. I remember stepping off the stage and having a rose handed to me. And then I remember walking back down the middle aisle and hearing some of the kids from other schools whispering 'Congratulations' at me.

I don't remember thinking anything, specifically. 'Don't slip and fall', maybe. Ever since the Lizzie McGuire movie, I never had been able to get that fear out of my head.

After that, all of us stood and changed our tassels to the left. Then, all of us left our seats and went onto the open field, while 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet was playing over the speakers (our class song, I guess?) and we formed a circle, counted down from three, and threw our caps into the air. I wasn't very adventurous with mine, I threw it about a foot into the air and then quickly caught it because I didn't want it to get muddy, hahaha.

Then, it was over. Just like that. I said goodbye to Short Sarah and Karly, and it was over.

I'd held it together pretty well the whole day up until this point, except for the ride up there early that morning, because I'd started to cry at least 4 times then. But after I went to the cafeteria to pick up my real diploma, and I saw my family and friends there waiting for me, all thirteen of them that were able to come (even though we were only expecting 7!) I came real close. But then, when I was saying goodbye to my teachers, I started talking to my counselor (who I met in person for the first time that morning). Even though I was sad to say goodbye to my English teacher (whom had been my English teacher for the past 3 years, and was one of the reasons I could do my best last week, and heck, the past three years in general), talking to her, I finally lost it. Out of all of the teachers and people that helped me this school year, she single-handedly was my sanity this year. She helped me when I had the wrong schedule at the very beginning of the year, she helped me when I was failing out of AP Lit and I was about to give up on myself, she helped me when I was behind this entire semester, she helped me when I was about to call it quits altogether last week and I was on the edge and I thought I wouldn't even graduate.

It sounds weird, because until yesterday I hadn't even met her in person before, but I swear she helped me the most this year, out of everyone I know, and I owe her so much because of that. And so when we were talking, I felt compelled to tell just how much I appreciated all her help this year, and how thanks to her I felt motivated to keep going. And it was right around that part that I started to cry. I tried to hold it together as I started talking to her, but saying all that aloud and thinking about how grateful I was, I just lost it. I even started to make her tear up a little, and then I started crying harder to the point where I couldn't even talk, so I wrapped it up and said goodbye before the both of us started sobbing. But I felt glad that I could tell her that, because I would have seriously regretted it if I hadn't.

So after that, after saying goodbye to a few more people (including Rosie and her mom, because she had a piano recital to get to!), my family and I went off to go out to eat. And in the car on the way there, I opened my beautiful diploma and stared at it for a few minutes. And then I really started to sob. Because it was there, real, in front of my face, proof that I'd done it.

Proof for all of those times when I'd sat and stared at my computer screen, at all of lessons I had to do, and thought in all honesty, 'I can't do this.' Proof for all the times I didn't want to get out of bed this school year because it was like I was buried alive and I'd already failed and I couldn't get away from it. Proof for all those people that gave me a wary look when I'd explained what online school was and how it worked, because they thought it wasn't real school and that I had it easy. Like hell I did. The past three years were the hardest years of my life.

I learned a lot from it, and I've grown into a better person because of it, and I don't regret it. But there were so many times when I wanted to give up because it didn't feel worth it. But yesterday made me realize that all of that was worth it. To be able to get through that to graduate was worth it. Every single day of it was worth it, and I don't regret it at all.

High School is over, and here is where my new life begins. It'll be so different from now on, but I'm ready. It's time. I'm ready to live it. Because now that I've survived this, I'm smarter, I'm better, and I'm stronger. And no one will ever take that away from me.

All right, post-High School life. Bring it on.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: graduation, high school, life, school, senior year

And One Week Later...}

Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0 comment

I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, school, senior year, senioritis

For the next week}

Saturday, May 5, 2012 | 8:17 PM | 0 comment

I will be experiencing the seventh layer of hell. May 11th is next week, and I will finish everything if I forgo all normal human behavior and habits. Wish me luck.

As a side note, Blogger's new Beta upgrade is terrifying. It took me a full five minutes to figure out how to create a new entry, haha.

Ugh. One week left of my Senior year and of High School in general. Just one. I can do this. Just one more week.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: school, senior year

My College Plans.}

Monday, April 9, 2012 | 10:50 AM | 0 comment

LAST ONE TODAY, I promise.

SO. College.

I haven't written about this subject in a while, and the reason is basically because I've hardly been able to stand to think about it. Senior year is crazy, truly. Nothing like the movies. But I've pretty much 100% decided on which college I'm going to in town. 2-year community.

My plan is: Go to the 2-year community college, and then after those two years, transfer to a University. I know I lot of people say that they're going to to that, and then they never do, but that's definitely 100% my plan. And this is why.

1. No dorms to mess with. I don't want to live in a dorm. I know that's a regular part of college life, but, just. No. I don't. I can't. I'm an only child, I've always had my own personal, private space, and to live in a huge dorm with a bunch of people I don't know? No. HELL no. I hardly even boded well with cabins at summer camp as a kid. Also, community bathrooms period. At my old school, I was the kid who had to change in the single stall bathroom in the locker room for gym because I didn't want to change in front of other girls. And it wasn't because I didn't like how my body looked, or whatever. I just didn't even want them to see me in my underwear. So. Just.....no.

2. I'll be dipping my feet rather than just jumping in all at once. I'm aware that being homeschooled has kind of made me unused to being around kids my age everyday. I admit, that is something I miss, just having that sense of community all the time (even if everyone hates each other secretly, as messed up as that sounds). However, after some time of thought, I don't think going away to some huge University right after high school is ideal for me. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I think thought would bring me a lot of unecessary distress. Going to a new school with thousands of new people around me, complete strangers, and not having the option to go home if I need to escape for a little while. I would just have my dorm room, but then I'll have a roomate, whom I also don't know. I wouldn't get to call my family or my friends about it, unless it was over the phone or Skype, but that's not the same. I've just been at home so consistently for so long now that suddenly jumping out of it into something else completely different would be traumitizing for me. I've always hated change, and honestly, I think this is a change I need to go about gently. I'll drive to my classes daily, still living in the comforts of my home, without having to live on campus. Also, I don't need to worry about living costs, finding food or money for food, and all the other worries that most college students go through on top of school.

3. I did some research, and it turns out that at least half of the professors that teach at this community college also teach at a big local state university. So, essentially, I'd be getting the same quality education for a better price and much less trauma. Awesome.

4. Can also take classes part time, if I want. And if I take classes part time, then I get to do other stuff, like hopefully a job. If someone will hire me. If I finally get my license so I can drive to said job. If I get my learners permit renewed because it expired two weeks ago. Cough. I know I can also do this at a University, but I feel that there's less pressure at a community college.

5. I can find a managable escape from high school. I like online school. Really, I do. And I wouldn't change or take back these past three years for nothing, because I learned a lot about myself, and I changed for the better. But they've also been both heaven and hell for me. I can start to feel myself waning now, not like the life is draining out of me or anything, but I just feel myself getting not as motivated anymore. It's not that I don't want to do school anymore, I do, but it's getting harder and harder to force myself to do it. It's probably just the Senoritis talking, but still, I feel like I've been doing this for a thousand years now, and my steam is running out. I just know that after this, I'll never set foot toward online classes again.

I still really appreciate what online school has done for me, and the way I've grown the past few years, but seeming as my parents didn't have much--if any--knowledge about homeschooling before signing me up for this, it wasn't handled well by any of us.
Perhaps if I'd known more about it before I started, or I was more prepared, and them as well, it would have gone better. But it wasn't handled well, and I've pretty much stumbled through all three years of this. From the very beginning, starting three weeks late into the school year, it just never went as smoothly as I would've liked.

I'm glad that my private school education sort of prepared me for the workload that I've needed to take on once I--inevitably--get behind in my schoolwork, but after this, I just can't do it anymore. I can't. These days I feel like my sanity is hanging from a string. This is why a university's workload and stress isn't even close to an option to me right now, and online college would literally drive me to drop out or lose my mind. I swear.

So, community college is the best option for me right now. In two years, I feel I'll be ready for a university then. But as for now, the idea of a community college just gives me...peace. I don't feel sick thinking about it, I don't feel anxious or scared. I'm excited. This is what I want. And for those who don't agree with my choice, they can kiss my ass.

Of course, those close to me who I've told are all cool with it, and they're glad I made this decision for myself, and that it makes me happy. I'm glad I don't associate with snobs. Now to just finish this school year in one piece.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: college, senior year, senioritis

Moving On.}

| 9:05 AM | 0 comment

So, I got my hair done on Friday, Internet. First hair appointment since Uncle's death.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was still pretty hard. When I first showed up, it occured to me that it was the first time I was seeing Auntie since I saw her from a distance at the funeral. I still have that picture of her in my mind; frail and thin and her face drawn, her two oldest kids holding her up on each side, as if she couldn't stand up without them.
I never got to say anything to her then, I was too afraid I'd say something wrong.

So at the beginning of the appointment, I asked her how she was doing, which I realize she's probably tired of hearing by now, but it was the polite thing to do. And then I told her that she means a lot to me, and that I'd always thought of her as part of my family. Then she said thank you, and that her and Uncle had always felt that way about me and my parents. And then she started to cry, and I started to cry, so we had to change the subject.

But we talked about a lot of stuff during those few hours, and honestly, I'd never felt closer to her than in that moment. We both miss Uncle, and he'll never ever be replaced, but I'd like to think that he would be happy with us learning to go on without him, especially Auntie. They were very deeply in love.
Those two are some of the few people that have made me believe that true love really exists, that it's not just a foolish myth or a fairy tale.

Auntie's still trying to stay strong, but if there's anyone in this world that I know would make it through this in one piece, it would be her.

So yes, hard, but it was still okay. The shop had gotten some renovations done since the last time I'd been there, and it looks so different inside that for a moment when I stepped in, I felt sort of lost. Also, Auntie hired a few barbers to work in the place of Uncle, and they were both close family friends. They both seem nice. I didn't know either of them, but I overheard one of them talking to her about being a widow, and he was very kind to her. I think those are just the right people that Auntie needs around her right now.

The one I heard her talking to I didn't really meet, but I happened to hear that his name was Jaime*. I didn't pay much attention to him until Auntie went to go to something in another room real quick. I was sitting at the sink and he came over to it to wet a towel, excusing himself politely.
He suddenly said, "Almost done, huh?" And it took me a few seconds to comprehend what he said because for some reason I get really sleepy while I'm getting my hair done. (Maybe it's the feeling of someone's hands on my scalp? It's kind of soothing. I don't know, lol.)

So then I say, "Oh, yeah, hah. Thankfully." Only then that sounds like I can't wait to get out of there. So I shut up before I say anything else stupid. And suddenly I'm acutely aware that I'm not wearing any makeup. Not even any mascara. Dammit!

He just chuckles though. And then my mom, who's sitting a few feet away, decides to pipe in. "It's taken awhile. She's got quite a head of hair." (Officially mid back length now. YES. Just a few more inches to waist length!)

And I kind of cringe because this conversation is bringing alot of attention to me and I don't even know this guy. But he just chuckles again and says, "Well, that's a good thing," and then gives me a smile. A very nice smile. Oh. He's cute.

So I just smile back and chuckle bashfully, because I don't know what to say to that, and then I look away and don't say anything because I don't want to say something weird or incoherent, which happens to me a lot when I talk to guys. So thankfully after that he's done wetting the towel and he leaves the room.

Yeah. Cute. Totally not even close to my age, though. Probably in his mid-twenties. When I mention this to my mom later (whom, by the way, agrees that he was very attractive), she says that it wouldn't be weird if I went out with a 25 year old. And I guess legally it wouldn't, but I just can't bring myself to seriously consider that, at least right now.

I always forget that I'm a legal adult now. Like, I'm 19. But I still have the 'I'M A CHILD, YOU'RE AN ADULT' mindset about every 20's+ person I see. Even with someone who's 20, I have to pause and realize that they're only a year older than I am. Kinda blows my mind.

Anyway, so I don't see anything happening there. Especially since I could barely even talk to the guy, look directly at him, and say something that made sense at the same time. Plus, you know. Eternal child mindset. I think I'll always feel like a kid, honestly, no matter how old I get. And I'm good with that. Better than feeling too old, right?

But, hey. At least I'll get to see him every 6-8 weeks, right? But I should definitely wear mascara next time. Yeah.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: age, life, senior year

Updates Updates.}

Friday, March 16, 2012 | 3:05 PM | 0 comment

So. Internet. It's time I wrote an update entry, but since I'm pressed for time, it'll be a bulletpoint entry. Yay! (Also, no picture. Sad face.)

Here's what's been going on in my life for the past month or so:

For a while around the beginning of February, I got super lazy and lost motivation to do my school work--which, you know. Seems to happen to me alot. Yeah. Not good. So then I became behind.
Around that time, I got my first message about graduation. GRADUATION. I KNOW. IT'S ACTUALLY REAL. GAH. Got my cap and gown order form and everything. And it finally hit me that I really am a senior in high school. A senior that's going to graduate and be done with High School for the rest of my life. Holy geez.
We also got an official all-seniors-have-all-of-your-classes-done date. May 11. Oh. OH. OH WOW.
Valentine's Day, I rented like 7 movies and got a bunch of junk food (including a few of my favorites: Tiramasu ice cream and jalapeno chips. YES.) and watched movies all day. Pretty normal Valentine's Day activities for me. Also, Sucker Punch was a really good idea to watch. It was my first time watching it. The whole time I watched it, I was basically like, 'Wow, this is bad. Awesomely bad.' But by the end? Loved it. LOVED IT. I can't explain it, I really can't. It's now one of my favorite movies.
Two days after Valentine's Day, got sick. Bad sick. In fact, I'm finally over it now, but it's taken this long. It was so bad that a lot of my old asthma problems started to come back a little, which I haven't had trouble with in YEARS. We didn't even have any old rescue inhalers that I could use, so basically I just had to suffer through it. 'Twas baaaad. And over the course of my cold, I got my period. Triple whammy. When I had all of that combined, it was the worst week ever.
So then. Once I started getting better, by now I was even more behind in schoolwork. I'd tried to do some work while I was still really sick, since I knew I was so behind, but between cold medicine making me sleepy and falling asleep from exhaustion from not sleeping the night before didn't bode well. PLUS, it didn't help that while I was sick, my school decided to fix all the senior's lesson schedules so that we would all finish by May 11. Which would have been dandy if I wasn't already behind. So now my schedule's all screwy, and where before I might have had 5 or 6 lessons per day, I now have 9 or 10 per day, usually meaning that I have about 2 lessons from each subject for each day. Yeah. Exactly.
SO. The last two weeks, I've been trying my best to catch up with all my make up work. It hasn't been easy, but I've made some progress. And I'm not too worried, because if worst comes to worst, I can work on some during my spring break (the week of the 25th). Which sucks for me, but hey. At least I'd get ahead. BUT NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY.
Oh yeah, my birthday. That's this month. Huh. Time flies.
Anyway, as long as I work my ass off until May 11th, I'm pretty positive I can get it all done. I'm not super behind by now anyway, because like I said, I've been making progress. Even with two semesters of English to get done at the same time, I've done pretty well. Especially considering my teacher was kind enough to let me skip over the research paper this semester, probably since he knows how busy I am. So, you know. Awesome.
On another note, I've been talking to this new guy on OKC.
Well, I was. Until I got sick. Then I couldn't be bothered to log into OKCupid to answer a dumb email because I was too busy dying and being miserable, okay.
Okay, it wasn't dumb, I don't think. I don't know, I still haven't read it yet. Hahaha. He was pretty nice, but it was just idle conversation basically. I kind of felt like pressured to talk to him anyway because he actually first contacted me around October or so, and after I replied to him once or twice, I stopped replying. This conversation was the product of him messaging me again around late January. I finally replied to him this time because I felt bad, it seemed like he really wanted to talk to me. And as it goes, I don't reply to a lot of messages on there anymore, because like I said in an earlier entry, I've been pretty much disenchanted with the whole online dating scene and I've come to realize it doesn't work well for me.
But anyhow, I replied to him, and we'd been talking on and off for about two weeks. He's a gamer, works for the Air Force, and likes to go shooting and hiking. He's a nice dude, really, but I just really have no interest in dating right now. Like, none. Absolutely none at all. Honestly, I'd rather drink 2 gallons of milk than start dating someone right now. (And for the record, I hate milk. Deplore it. I'm not lactose intolerant, but the slightest wiff of it makes me immediately nausious. I can't even watch people drink it. Ugh, just typing this is grossing me out.) I'm just so busy and so involved with other things that I can't even think about meeting someone that I might have interest in dating.
Hell, even if Ryan Gosling showed up at my doorstep right now and got down on one knee with a green Ring Pop, asked me to be his lover, and then joined me in a rendition of 'Wannabe' complete with Scary Spice and Baby Spice outfits, I would still say no. Also, that would be really weird.
POINT BEING: I cannot date or even THINK of dating right now. My sanity is at stake, here.
In other news, me and Best Friend Rose are okay now. For now, anyway. I just got tired of being pissed, I don't hold grudges very well. Plus, the season finale of the Bachelor was on, and we had to talk about it. Yes, I know it's scripted. Yes, it's really ridiculous and cheesy, I know. It's entertaining. I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
Also, I don't know about the whole Ricky Bobby thing still. Still driving me crazy. Trying to forget, though.
Off subject sorry, but the door to my school office is so thin and I can hear every freaking noise in the house when it's closed and it's driving me crazy lately. Like, right now, my mom is having a sneezing fit and she sneezes really loudly and every time she does it scares the crap out of me and I jump and then I keyboard smash all over the place. Jafjkafjkls.
So yeah, Rosie wanted to go to a school play tonight but I'm so shackled up to my desk right now, finishing work, that I'm not even sure I can go. Sunlight? What's...what's that? Is it a food? ....Outdoors? What? Is that a country? What is the outside world?
Plus, I have to wash my hair, because it's really really nasty and dirty, but I don't even think I have time for THAT. SCHOOL IS RUINING ME AND REVERTING ME INTO A CAVE(WO)MAN.
Frankenstein is a good book.
I have no one to see The Hunger Games movie with, because none of my friends have read it. Sob.
I got my new Big Bang album in the mail two days ago. It's glorious. Been playing it nonstop. A CD with a HUGE honkin' metal case with full size poster and high-res photobook and stickers, all for $20, including shipping? KOREA. I LOVE YOU.
Too much capslock in this entry.

Wow, long bulletpoint entry. But hopefully you got the POINT. Hah. Hah. The POINT.

...I'm stalling. Going back to work now. *drags ball and chain back to desk*

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Font's back to normal but now it's spaced all weird. UGH. Blogger, what's up?)

(EDIT: Fixed the spacing. Whew.)

Labels: bulletpoint entry, fandom ish, okcupid, school, senior year

Colds and Other Illnesses.}

Saturday, March 3, 2012 | 1:53 PM | 0 comment

INTERNATZ.

My February was interesting and also sort of icky all at the same time, and I promise I will post a proper update entry soon. But. BUT. Something just came up. Something that I KNOW you'll want to hear about first.

Last night, I was texting BFR, because I was supposed to sleep over at her new house last night, but due to some life issues going on for her right now, she decided she needed to go out with a bunch of her friends from school and have some fun.
She invited me, but I'm just now starting to recover from the most god-awful cold I've had in years, and it was snowing very heavily last night, so I decided it would be better just to take it easy instead of possibly making myself sick again. Also, I don't necessarily mesh that well with the group she hangs out with at her school, and they were going to see a movie that I never in a million years want to see, so uh, you know. That too.

So I told her to go on without me, and even though I was a little miffed that she decided to change up our sleepover plans--which we'd made on Monday--super last minute to go hang out with some other people(which she's done a few times the past few months now. Probably my biggest pet peeve ever, tbqh), considering what she'd been through lately (I won't go into detail, but it involved her sister going to the ER) I told her that she should go out anyway. I could tell she felt bad, but she said okay.

BUT. During that whole conversation, after telling her that I didn't feel up to going out and that she should go anyway, Rosie says this:

"Well I feel bad, I don't want you to be upset with me :/ Ricky Bobby says he hasn't seen you in years and wants to see you!"

Uh huh. Yeah. Check out that bombshell.

At first I just stare at my phone, thinking that I might have a fever again and that I'm hallucinating. Then I take a few swigs of water and realize that I'm fully lucid. And then I fall over and scream in terror into my pillow.

This actually blows my mind, not only because of HOW FREAKING RANDOM AND OUT OF THE BLUE IT IS, but also because...well. Confession time, Internet: the day before yesterday, I thought about Ricky Bobby.

And it's not like thinking about him is a normal, everyday thing for me anymore. But that one day was an exception. And I thought about him all. Freaking. Day.

I swear. And then yesterday, I get this news. It's...very unnerving.

I mean...first off, how does Rosie even know about this? Does she talk to him regularly, or something? And how did I not know about that?

And second, what made him even say that? Was she talking about me with him? She had to have been, because I have not even talked to him since the first semester of Junior Year, and for him to suddenly say he wants to see me is completely just...what?!

This is so weird, because I haven't written about him on here in almost a year. And now this.

And I hate how this is all I have to go on for now because Rosie stopped talking to me because she thought I was pissed off (well okay, I kind of was.), and there was no further explanation than that. I even asked her to elaborate, but she didn't. So. Ugh.

But before she stopped talking to me, she told me she wanted to have coffee on Sunday, and I told her that it couldn't be late on Sunday, and she said she'd let me know what time is good for her. So, she'll probably tell me then. Will update after. And lets hope she didn't just say that just to get me to come to the movies.

And if she cancels on me again this time, I will sprint all the way to her new house during the night and replace her shampoo and conditioner with Nair. Swear to God.

Ugh. WHAT IS THIS.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: crap, ricky bobby, senior year

Snow.}

Thursday, February 2, 2012 | 12:16 PM | 0 comment

Well, Internet. This is when I get back up again and dust myself off.

Uncle passed away the morning of Friday January 20th, and we were informed later that day. His wife said he had passed peacefully, and that he said he loved our family very much. He also said that I was like another granddaughter to him.

The past few weeks, I've just been coming to terms with it. I'm still sad that he's gone, but I'm happy that he doesn't have to be in pain anymore, and that he left this world peacefully.

We went to his memorial last week, and yesterday was his funeral. Both were very hard, and very sad, but that's to be expected. But after yesterday, I feel something like a sense of peace.

Lately, I've been okay. At first I felt like I wouldn't be, but I am now.

When deaths happen, you really do realize how fragile life is. I don't think I'll ever not be afraid of death, but something I'm starting to learn is that worrying about the future won't help anything. People drive themselves crazy worrying about things that they can't change. Instead, I need to focus on what I'm doing now.

Instead of always thinking things like 'Oh my god, I'm going to die one day!!!'--which by the way, I know is a ridiculous thing to worry about at this age. I'm not even in my twenties yet!--I'm going to think about how I can make the present useful.

Everyday is a new day, and a new opportunity to do awesome things. I become so comfortable with routine, but I'm realizing I should start to challenge that. Anything is possible. Why settle for ordinary?

So lately, I've been okay. And you know what? That's more than enough.

I finally got out of AP Literature. Considering the recent events, I didn't end up finishing all the coursework, like I'd wanted. But, by the due date, I just didn't see the point.

Especially since the two research papers--which by that point, I had five days to do--were 900 points combined or something crazy like that, and it required all this crazy insane college-level stuff that I'm positive I could barely handle doing in two weeks, let alone less than one. And by then, even if by some miracle I DID finish them, I probably wouldn't have had time to do the final exam, and I would've failed anyway. So. I just decided, you know what? I screwed up royally. And at this point, I really can't do anything to salvage my grade in this class. So I'm done.

And I called my counselor and explained to her what happened, every single detail, and she totally understood. And she signed me right up for the other semester of Honors English. Even got my old English teacher on the line to give me some words of encouragement (he said I was a rock star--I knew I always liked him!)

So I've already started both semesters at the same time, and you know what? I LOVE IT. In fact, I'm happier with my classes right now than I've been all year. I feel like I look forward to English class again, just like before. And it's such a relief.

SO. Needless to say I'm feeling much better as of late. No stress migraines. No lack of sleep. No stress rash. I'm okay.

Lately, I haven't gotten to see much of Jazz or Best Friend Rose but we've all been pretty dang busy. I've only seen Jazz once since Christmas, but she stopped by after school one day and we chatted a little, so that was nice.

I've seen Rose twice though, once to see Beauty and The Beast in 3D (always flawless, tbh.) and the other to have "coffee" and I put quotes because every time we go to "coffee" we just sit and talk at Starbucks and drink nothing because we're both broke. But it was time together nevertheless, and that's always welcomed.

Right now, I'm just getting back into the routine of regular everyday stuff (which was at first hard to do with all the residual AP stress and all). I always forget how much I hate finals until I get back to normal everyday lessons and realize how much I missed them.

Today it snowed, which is actually my favorite type of weather, over sun and wind and rain. I swear. I love the cold. I love it. It hasn't snowed here since a huge storm a few days before Christmas, and I've missed it.

And when it started to snow today, which was probably the calmest day I've had in quite a while, it kind of felt like a sign, like everything would be okay. And it will. And sometimes it's hard to see that that's true, but in the end, things do get better.

And even if they're not better right away, with some time, they will be.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, school, senior year

Loss. (Secret #7.)}

Tuesday, January 17, 2012 | 5:15 PM | 0 comment

Internet, don't you just hate when life comes and bites you in the ass?

As I type this, my dinner is sitting beside me, untouched. I can't bring myself to eat it. I can't even look at it.

Today was officially my last day of Winter Break (discounting all the days I did my finals on). I'd basically spent all day watching movies and being lazy. Pretty good day, right? Well.

Ten minutes ago, my dad came into my room telling me that dinner's ready. My dad's one of those people that you can immediately tell when something's wrong, you can see it written all over them. At first he just looked down at the floor. And then when my dad started to cry, I felt this unbelievable dread wash over me, because nothing in the world is worse than seeing your parents cry.

I immediately asked him what happened. I'll tell you what he told me, but first let me tell you some background.

Ever since I was 5 years old, I've gotten my hair chemically straightened. Seeing as I'm black, my hair's curly, and to make it easier to manage, my mom started taking me to a small local salon to chemically straighten it. So, every three months or so for the past 13 years, I've gone back to get it touched up.

The people who run this salon are actually a couple that have known my parents for years. Since way before they had me. And considering how long they've known our family, and how long we've known them, they're some of our closest family friends. I've always called them Uncle and Aunt. Sometimes I even forget that I'm not really related to them. But even if we're not blood related, we're family.

I still remember going when I was very young. Uncle had a booster seat that they put in the swivel chair, and they had bought it just for me. And whenever Uncle rinsed my hair after shampooing it, he would tell me to tell him if the water was too hot. And he never tugged my hair too much when he got the tangles out.

Two weeks ago, the day after Christmas in fact, we'd found out that Uncle had went to the doctor.

As of then, I had just seen him only a few days before. I'd been there to get my hair done so it would look nice for Christmas. I remember very vividly that he looked gaunt. Uncle's a tall man, very tall, and he'd always been pretty slender, but never to the point where he looked unhealthy. But when I saw him this time, it almost looked as if there was only skin pulled tightly over the bones. His cheekbones protruded, and there were heavy shadows under his eyes. I was sort of taken aback as soon as I saw him, and immediately, I'd wondered if something was wrong. I don't think I'd ever seen someone that looked so ill in person before.

The day after Christmas, we found out that he had cancer.

At that time, we didn't know what kind of cancer, or what stage it was in, so we could only cross our fingers that it wouldn't be so bad. After all, my mom had breast cancer, but it was caught so early that she was able to recover.

Well.

When dad came in my room tonight, he told me that Uncle has 48 hours to live.

I've been crying for the past hour, and the tears are still running down my face. And you know, what gets me the most is that this isn't the first time this has happened in the past month.

I didn't write about it, because it's still something that's very shocking to me even now, but I guess now I'm forced to come to terms with it.

Since we've moved into this house, we've lived next door to this family. These two women had an eight year old son, and he was from one of the women's previous marriages. They were all very nice, and my grandma even watched their son after school every day, because he happened to go to the same school as my 8 year old cousin. So they would carpool together, and they were good buds. Also, my dad had become reasonably close friends with one of the women, and they would talk sometimes when she would come to pick up her son.

The past few months, this couple was having some marital problems, and as the one close to my dad had told him, her partner sometimes had a bit of a drinking problem, and that was part of the reason they fought. Over Thanksgiving break, her partner even kicked her out of the house for a few days, that's how badly they fought. Incidentally, since she had nowhere to stay, she actually stayed over at our house for a few days. Her son was in Chicago with her ex-husband, so it was just her. We felt bad because we don't have a guest room, but she seemed willing to sleep on our inflatable mattress in the living room.

After Thanksgiving, their fights got progressively worse, and there was one particular incident when the police were called; police cars and an ambulance were directly by our house and everything. After this fight happened, this woman was basically kicked out of her house again, and her wife warned that she had a month to pack up and take her son and leave. As you could probably guess, this put enormous pressure on this woman. She basically had no place to go with her son and she was being broken up with. My dad offered her help again, and told her that if there was anything we could do, just call.

On Christmas Day, our neighbor's wife rang our doorbell.

My dad answered it, and then he stepped outside to talk to her. Afterwards, he had told us that she looked so lost, so small. She told him that her wife had died.

A few days earlier that week, she herself had gone to get hand surgery at a small hand surgery clinic. She had to have someone to drive her there and back, and, not having anyone else to ask, she asked her wife to do it, even though that was the same person she was kicking out of her house soon. Her partner agreed to, and so she waited in the waiting room as the surgery was performed.

Stay with me, here. Best Friend Rose's stepmom, 'Penny', works at this surgery center. And apparently, this is how Rosie heard about this. Yes, really. You can't make this stuff up.

As this woman was waiting in the waiting room, something happened. I'm still not sure what happened, but apparently she passed out. Then, she stopped breathing. Penny was in the waiting room at the time, and she was performing CPR, trying her absolute best to resuscitate her. My neighbor was never revived. And her partner had seen the whole thing, standing in the doorway and watching in horror.

She was young still. Only 36.

We still don't know exactly what went wrong. A week ago, we saw her paragraph in the paper's obituary section. As for her partner, we haven't heard from her or seen her since my grandma went to her funeral. And as for her son, he was in Chicago at the time of her death, and from now on, he'll be living with his father.

Can I tell you something, Internet? A secret that has haunted me deep down, as long as I can remember? Something that I've never told anybody, ever?

There is nothing on this planet that terrifies more more than death.

I'm sure there's not many people alive right now that welcome death. I'm sure this sort of fear is very common, and in fact, normal. But I swear to God, there is nothing else I can think of that horrifies me and shakes me straight to my core.

There's times when I lie awake at night thinking about it, thinking about the horror of the moment when a life is gone from this Earth and nothing is the same. Just one second. That's all it takes for a life to end and countless lives around it to be changed forever. I've laid in bed with tears falling down my face at even the thought of it.

Every time this sort of tragedy even touches the outer edges of my life, it almost makes me sick. My mind immediately goes to the ones I love. I think, what about my grandparents? My aunts, uncles? My cousins? My best friends? Whoever my future husband will be? God forbid, my parents? What if these people, these people that are so vital to me like oxygen or water or food, disappeared forever? The thought that one day, all of them could be gone...I can't even tell you the feeling I get. Words cannot articulate. It makes me want to throw up, to scream in agony. I can't live without them, but one day, I'll have to. And just thinking about it tears me to shreds.

And that's why I try to never think about it. And most of the time I don't. But every once in a while I do, and then I can't stop. Just yesterday, I was thinking about my grandfather's death. I still cry thinking about how I always told him I'd go fishing with him, but in the end, I never did.

I think that's what's scariest about death; once it happens, all the promises are left in the air and the goodbyes final, and it's too late to go back.

Uncle is in the hospital right now, and he was too weak to even talk to my dad on the phone.

I hate funerals, but it would be a dishonor not to go to Uncle's. He was a part of my life, a part of my family, and knowing that I'll never get to say goodbye and to tell him that I love him is the hardest part. The last time I saw him, I promised him that I would invite him to my high school graduation. He won't get to see me graduate now. In fact, he won't get to see his own grandchildren graduate.

He's a wonderful man. I just hate knowing that he'll leave this Earth without knowing that I feel that way. It's just so horrible. It actually kills me. I feel sick.

I don't know if I'll be able to do my school work tomorrow. I just don't know. I know that it'll give me a sick day on the very first day of second semester, but to be honest, I really don't care. I just need some time to deal with this.

Just to put it out there, I might not update for at least a week or two. I hope you guys can understand. I just need some time.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, secrets, senior year, tragedy

Small Miracles.}

Monday, January 16, 2012 | 4:12 PM | 0 comment

Internet! Guess what!

Not only has my school life improved by 50% since the last time I wrote, but also, my stress rash is gone! YES. NO MORE ITCHY.

So basically, late last week, I found out from my counselor that my AP class doesn't actually end until the 26th, which gives me WAY more time to catch up! It doesn't guarantee that I'll finish, but still, I'll have more time to try! YES AGAIN.

Also late last week, I finally took my Stats final after days of super hard studying. And in the end, I got..................

...........A 92 FREAKIN' PERCENT.

OKAY. May I remind you that I've never in my life ever gotten a 92% on ANY Math test. EVER. So this is a HUGE FREAKIN' DEAL.

I still don't quite understand how it happened, even though I did study forever for it, but wow. If there was any time I believed in small miracles in school, this is one of them. I'm still in shock, but it has reduced my stress levels by about 70%. I'm SO relieved.

Now that I've finally gotten past this (mostly) I can afford to have a life outside of school again. Whew.

So, let's talk about English Teacher. And OKCupid.

So, I did end up messaging English Teacher back, per Best Friend Rose's request. (Actually, it was more like she forced me to. My fault. I showed her his pictures, and she was hooked. She said she'd be all over him if she were me. Oy.) Due to my skiddishness, and the fact that I'd freaked myself out over the whole teacher thing, Rosie had to type my response for me (allowing that I approved it first, of course). Basically, it said something like 'Yeah, sure, I'm always up for a chat! And thank you, that's a huge compliment!'

After that, he said something about how everyone should compliment everyone more often, and that everyone would be happier. Then I agreed with him, and then he said to ask him anything, that he'd be up to answer it. (Questions of that nature confound me every time. What does 'anything' mean? What's your favorite color? Or, what's the meaning of the universe? Or maybe, how many toes do you have?)

After asking for ideas from Rosie (I was stuck again. Facepalm.), she suggested that I ask about how he started teaching. So I did. His reply was basically, 'Long story. Are you ready for this?' I said something like, 'Oh boy, haha. Ready!'

His reply was practically a mini-novel, starting at how he hated school as a teen and then by chance, he was given the opportunity to teach an English class to non-Native English speakers by his college. After that, he studied for a bit overseas, and the rest was history.

I admit, it was a very cool story, although long, and I told him thanks for telling me all that, and wow, he seemed to really love teaching. I told him I admired his passion for it, and that I've actually considered going after teaching once or twice, but that I didn't think I'd make a good teacher.

And he said (as best I can remember), 'You know what? At one point, you couldn't walk. You couldn't dress yourself. You couldn't feed yourself. But you learned how to. Humans teach and learn all the time. There is not one thing on this Earth you can't be taught to do.'

Smart dude, right? I was pretty impressed. I told him thank you for telling me that, that I needed to hear it.

He said you're welcome, and you're a sweetheart for reading all that. (Not even going to lie, my entire face turned red at that part. I know he meant it in a completely harmless way, but dammit. You can't be so hot and call me that and expect me not to react that way!!)

So by now, it was the day before Christmas Eve. I was texting Best Friend Rose, and she casually brings up that, HEY, our friend Jezebelle also has an OKC, and English Teacher messaged her too!

Um. What.

I found out that he didn't flirt with her or anything, just asked her if she'd ever considered studying overseas, but it still slightly pissed me off, to be quite honest. (To clear things up, I LOVE Jezebelle, so it's not like I hate her and I was pissed that he even talked to her at all. So not like that. It's just that since the 8th grade I've seen guys fall all over Jeze all the time--understandably, because she's gorgeous--so, I'll be the first to admit that I was probably a teeny bit jealous. It was nothing to even be jealous about, so I won't even justify it.)

So even though she didn't respond to him, I decided, okay, time to wrap this up. I realized at this point that he probably didn't see me as anything other than a prospective student anyhow(because earlier he'd casually mentioned he'd taught people that were my age--huge red flag), and I'd had enough lectures (although they were insightful).

So, on Christmas Eve, I just said, 'No problem, it was my pleasure!' and that I hoped he would have a great holiday. He replied that he hoped I would too, and that was the end of that.

Part of me wishes I'd continued to talk to him, but it was for the best. Even if he saw me that way anyway, and even if I decided I didn't have an issue with his age, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. So long, English Teacher. It's been fun.

In other news, last night I got a message from a 29 year old.

..........Am I jailbait, or? I mean, technically I'm legal, so I can't be jailbait, but still. About a month ago, I even got two--count 'em, two--31 year olds messaging me. THIRTY FREAKIN' ONE. ALMOST TWICE MY AGE. WHAT IS GOING ON??

I also kind of find it ironic that the 29 year old was very interested (Greeted me with 'Hey you little devil you'. I kid you not.) and I don't necessarily reciprocate, and yet the smoking hot 25 year old teacher was only interested in teaching me life lessons while I was working hard to suppress inappropriate comments, like about how his smile was like the light of a full moon shining through a patch of clouds at midnight. (IDK. HE'S JUST...HE'S HOT. LEAVE ME BE. My hormones, okay?)

So, you know. Oh well. There will be other hot guys.

In the meantime, I need to get back to work on this catch up AP stuff. There's two papers that are collectively 800 points, so I need to get them done most of all. If I can manage to do that and pass the semester final, I might actually have a chance at this. And if worse comes to worst, I can ask for an extension, too. So, here we go!

By the way, first big update post with no microscopic font. My eyes feel better already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: English Teacher, okcupid, school, senior year

School, school, and uh. Oh yeah. SCHOOL.}

Monday, January 9, 2012 | 10:50 AM | 2 comment

Internet, right now, I'm in the midst of my final exam week. (Yeah, after my Winter break. I know. Weird online school thing, I guess.)

Also, I'm in the midst of trying to catch up with my AP Lit lessons by the end of this week, aka the official end of the First Semester, which is never gonna happen, tbqh. Here's how that basically happened:

So. The day I started AP Lit, I immediately began panicking about it. The DAY OF. And it was because the first day of the class, we had to read the class expectations and requirements. And I flipped out. Something inside me just knew right away that I had gotten in over my head. This was the first AP class I've ever taken, and I had expected it to be harder. I just didn't realize how much harder.

But I continued the lessons. Some of it I didn't like, but some of it I surprisingly did like. I liked that all of my fellow classmates sounded smart, like me, and that I didn't have to dumb myself down for class discussions. (Virtual discussions, pretty cool. They're sort of like little forums, people make their own individual 'topics' and then everyone goes into the different topics and...well. Discusses. Pretty fun, actually. And considering I've been visiting online forums since the 2nd grade, I really liked it.) I also liked--at first--the slightly more challenging nature of the topics covered and discussed.

But. By the time I'd started our Odyssey unit, I was done for. This was like, what, our third unit? But I was already sick of all of it. The two units we'd already gone through, we had already had a few essay assignments, and each and every time, I would worry myself sick over them. I was constantly thinking of how I was in an advanced class now, and that the same old crap I wrote for my old English classes wouldn't cut it.

My emotional breakdown in October should've been my turning point. I should have realized then that I'd reached my breaking point. I should have done something then.

I was constantly worrying about HOW I could write better, WHEN can I finish this, WHAT will my teacher think if I fail, etc etc etc. So by the Odyssey unit, I just...shut down.

I completely just...stopped. Everything. It was like my mind had overloaded, and I couldn't stand to read anything. I didn't even want to look at books. I couldn't write, I physically couldn't write. I couldn't write anything. That's why when you look past on my past entries before December, they're basically nothing. The end of October, and all through November, I was stuck. Forcing myself to write then was like cutting a vein open. It was painful.

And it's not like I've never gotten writer's block before. I have, and plenty of times. But this time it was terrifying because I needed to write for school, for this class, and I just...I couldn't. It felt like if I started typing, I'd throw up or black out or have a panic attack, or something. It was literally like I hated writing all of a sudden. And that's never happened to me before.

So when Winter Break finally came, and I began to come to my senses again, I realized what I'd done. I was half a semester late in my class, and it was entirely, 100% my fault. I'd let my fear get to me, and I couldn't even function.

After my last final, I'm going to do some more catch up work. I'd already done some last week, but it wasn't that much, compared to the amount left. The thing that sucks the most about AP is the workload. I only have 13 lessons to catch up on, but dammit. Each lesson has nearly about a week's worth of work for each one, not to mention the two research papers ahead of me. Two research papers in a week. Mhmm, yeah. That'll work out just peachy.

I'm not a quitter, but I like to think that I'm a realist. I'm not going to finish this work in time. And even if I did finish all the work by Friday at 10PM, I would still have the final left. And if I didn't even do the final, I would fail anyway, and all of my hard work would have been for nothing. So honestly, I don't see the point.

I won't give up yet. I'm still going to do my best to catch up, but if I fail, at least I'll know I tried.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen. I let myself down immensely, and not only that, but I feel like I've let everyone else down, too. I even sent a long apology email to my teacher, because I felt I needed to let her know that I take full responsibility for my failing her class, and that I needed to apologize for wasting her time. She accepted my apology with grace and even let me know she was sorry that I was struggling, and encouraged me not to give up just yet. Such a nice lady. Crazy to think that I was scared of her for four months.

If I'd just asked for help earlier, I'm sure she would've done her best to help me then. Why did I resort to running?

It was a shitty thing that I did, especially for my Senior Year, but I suppose it wouldn't be High School if I didn't royally fuck something up once a year. (Profane sentence is profane.)

But I intend on making up for it. I plan on switching out of AP and getting into English 12 instead. Then, I'll take two semesters of English 12 at the same time so I can make up for the credit I failed to get for AP. Crazy, yes, but I've done crazier. Plus, I almost can guarantee that two semesters of workload for English 12 at the same time will still be easier than AP Lit. Seriously. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. I just want to enjoy English class again.

So, speaking of finals, I'm finishing up reviewing for my last one as we speak. My Stats final. And I've come to this conclusion.

My math teacher sucks.

I've actually had him for a teacher 3 times consecutively. I had him during Sophomore year for semester one of Geometry. Then, I had him for semester one of Algebra II. First semester of Geometry? Failed. They switched teachers for me the second time around of semester one Geometry, this time a nice lady teacher. Passed with a B.

First semester of Algebra II? Passed, but barely, and I mean barely. Completely bombed the whole semester up until the final, stayed up three nights in a row studying hard to pass the final, and my final exam grade saved my whole grade. I had another teacher for semester two again, and did swimmingly until that whole exam fiasco that went down.

Anyway, in summary: Other teachers + me + Math = Pass. This teacher + me + Math = Fail. Epically.

Maybe it's just because his teaching methods don't mesh well with the way I learn. Maybe it's something else. But I was just not destined to be in this man's math classes. Period.

It's too bad. He seems like a nice guy, in fact he was the teacher that worked out that Algebra II final retake much earlier this year, and I think I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. But his classes? Hmm. I don't know, I just don't know.

This semester I have a C in Stats so far, which means that if I bomb this final I'll have to do the whole double-semester thing with another class if I want to graduate in June. Which would suck ass, obviously. And so would not graduating. That too.

So. As you could probably guess, all of this has put monumental stress on me. Last Wednesday, I even developed a rash all over me. My mom (a nurse) figured out that it's not from allergies, and it's not from a virus. It's a stress rash. Like my body is physically rejecting all of this pressure. Not cool.

Dammit. Nobody ever told me Senior year would be this difficult. Perhaps this is my reaction to Senioritis? I'm getting the sinking feeling that this week will be the week from hell.

In other news, Feli! I saw your comment, and I'd be happy to write a bit about that. After reading all of this post thus far, you probably get that I'm not the best person to ask this (lol) but, here we go anyway!

How do I focus on my classwork/homework? Mostly, I just have to sit my deriere into my chair in the morning, shake the sleep off, and do it. I realized that I have to make a conscious effort to focus, or I won't. Like, if I just sit there and stare at the screen and wait for the focus to come to me, it won't. And I usually if I'm waiting for the focus, I start focusing on something else.

Like daydreaming. Oh, dear God. I'm one of those people that would just lay around living in their own head, if they could. I could think of every scenario in the world, just sitting and staring for hours. The world is so interesting in there. I could just live in my fantasies and dream worlds and never have to face the real world. This is why I write, because my over-active imagination leaks into my real world too easily if I don't. It's how I keep myself sane, basically.

Anywho, I just have to make myself focus. And usually with the harder subjects, it's definitely much harder. Usually what I'll do is I'll read out loud. Reading out loud helps my reading comprehension when I learn things. I'm telling you. Reading comprehension = easier learning. I promise. And then, when that doesn't work, that usually means that I need a break.

Leave the room for like fifteen minutes, go do a quick 15 minute workout, or go fix a healthy snack. I know it sounds like I'm promoting weight loss or something, haha, but I swear it really does help! Once I eat healthier again (I lapse out of it every once in a while, who doesn't?), and I start working out (not even going to the gym! I hate gyms. I just do these little 10 minute video workouts on my workout mat, so easy. Go Youtube 10 minute workout videos, so many of them! And even when I feel like I don't have time for that, instead I jog in place for a while, or do some sit ups, or run up and down the stairs, etc.) it helps my head be clearer. I'm not even an athletic person--at all, really--but whenever I live healthier, I feel so much better, and when I'm healthier, schoolwork always seems easier to me.

So, my advice to you: just sit down, clear your head, and read aloud. And when it becomes too much, take a quick yoga break, or Cheerio break, or whatever. Take a deep break, and work through it one step at a time. I know sometimes hard work seems impossible, but just chill. Take your time. And if you need help with something, please. I beg of you. Don't wait until you're absolutely buried under stress and fear, like I did. Ask for help. Ask your teacher, or a good friend, or even a parent. I know how it feels to feel inferior because you don't understand something. I handled it the wrong way. Trust me. Ask for help.

And then when you're finished with it all, you can do this: http://youtu.be/MdN0NXgjsn8

Hope I helped a little bit!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be re-applying my calamine lotion and studying for this final that I absolutely cannot fail. Ahem.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: mistakes, procrastinating sarah, school, senior year, senioritis

OKCupid Update}

Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2 comment

So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."

Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

Labels: 100th entry, drew, English Teacher, okcupid, online dating, senior year

And three thousand years later...}

| 10:00 AM | 0 comment

...she updates.

Interneeeeet. Can you guess who's so relieved to be on Winter Break? Uh. THIS GIRL.

Due to some catching up I had to do in Science due to some technical problem (I couldn't do Science lessons for about 2 weeks straight for some reason, and then when they finally decided to fix it, it was the very last week before break. For an entire three days, I breathed and ate nothing but Nuclear Reactions.) and this hellish last-minute application for a scholarship I had to complete (my school nominated me, which was awesome, but my counselor didn't tell me until two weeks before the whole thing was due--which also included, I didn't realize until the second to last day, writen recommendations from two non-relatives. Not awesome.) But in the end, it all worked out, and these first few days of my break, I've just been taking it easy, something I clearly couldn't do in the past month or so of school.

And not to mention that because of my super-lax senior schedule, second semester doesn't start for me until January 18th. That's AN ENTIRE MONTH OFF. Yessssss.

I feel like this break was well earned, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

Here's some good news for you!

Since the last time I updated, Jazz has been over to my house four times to hang out. The first time was admittedly, a little weird still, but then by the last time she was here, about three days ago in fact, things were totally and completely back to normal. We were talking and laughing and being weirdos just like old times, and let me tell you, internet. It was a great feeling.

I'm grateful that everything's cool now, because I'd honestly I'd begun thinking that maybe I'd screwed things up. But as it turns out, me speaking up actually helped. It just took a while to get there, is all.
This has really taught me that it's okay to stick up for myself.
For a long while, I was too afraid to do just that, because I was more worried that people would think I was a bitch rather than worrying for about myself and how I'm being treated. But now that I've grown into myself a bit more, I've kind of stopped worrying what people think about me. I've stopped worrying about always trying to please everyone else, because I realized that I just need to be me. What anyone else thinks about me is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that I'm me, and that I'll always be me.

So, it was a hard lesson, but one that in the end I'm glad that I learned.

In other news, the past few days, I've been trying to make up for the lack of free time that I had before break. I've been writing like crazy (finally found some relief from the giant bought of writer's block I had) and reading like my life depended on it. I've also been doing some holiday stuff to celebrate the time of the year......hah. Understatement of the year.
You know me, Internet. Christmas cheesiness left and right. I've been watching all the Christmas specials and movies that I possibly can, been making cookies and listening to Christmas songs every second I can. I love my Christmas cheesiness.

Earlier this month, I decorated the tree with my younger cousins, and me and my mom gave them each these cute little ornaments we found at a store. The youngest got the Cars ornament (that little boy LOVES Cars, I swear), the second youngest got Dora, and the oldest got a Spongebob one. The youngest were so excited that they got their very own ornament that we couldn't calm them down for a few hours afterwards. It made me wonder if they'd ever had something like that before, their own ornaments on their own Christmas tree, but something tells me that they haven't. (To catch my drift, check out this entry from last Christmas.) Me and my mom agreed to include them in as many of our Christmas traditions as we could, and so far, they've really loved it, and so have we. It's almost as if we're seeing Christmas as new again, from brand new eyes. It's beautiful, truly.

So, I've been doing as many holiday things as I can possibly fit into my time. You should see my room, completely decked out in garland and candy canes and lights and SPARKLES. I also wanted to go see Santa at the mall, but unfortunately, it looks like I won't get to. (What?! I'm a teenager still! I'm still young! It'd be weirder if I went in my 20's, or something!)

I can't believe as of now, it's only four days until Christmas. This entire month flew by. It feels like I should still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers right now. (Which, by the way, was great. And as for leftovers this year, they were gone faster then they usually go. I guess that's what happens when you have 8 people in one house.)

Lately, things financially have been especially tight, so I'm not expecting much under the tree this year. But to be completely honest, I've passed that stage in my life where I want as many gifts for Christmas as possible. I'm old enough to realize now that just being with my family and having the things we already have is enough. I have a wonderful family, a home, a bed to sleep in, and great friends. I really couldn't ask for anything better than that.

(Told you I love Christmas cheese.)

In other other news, Best Friend Rose spent the night last night, and on the floor, she's still sleeping like the dead. Considering it's still before noon, I have the feeling I'll be entertaining myself for a while longer. Sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: christmas 2011, jazz, school, senior year

Jazz's visit.}

Friday, November 18, 2011 | 6:11 PM | 0 comment

Sigh. Okay.

Before I start, putting this off was the worst idea ever. Ever. My memory of it would have been slightly lacking even a few days later, but this is ridiculous. But, believe it or not, procrastinating has been my number one hobby lately. It's getting bad, honestly.

Okay.

So the day Jazz was to come over, recall that she sent me a text in the morning asking if I'd be home. I replied yes, and why was she asking? She simply replied that she was coming over so we could talk. (Said. Not asked. Which would be fine with me, normally, if it weren't for the situation we were currently in, which made it sort of weird.)

So what could I say? No? I was the one who wanted to talk in the first place, so of course I said yes.

I asked if she could come by a little later, though (considering I'd just woken up and was not currently in the mood to have a deep, even friendship changing conversation. In fact, in the morning, I'm not up to any form of conversation that asks of me more than 5 words/grunts.).

At first, she asked me why she couldn't just come by right then, and I told her I was busy that morning, which was actually true because I had a few things I had to do, including a homework assignment that day and had wanted to do it earlier in the day anyhow. And at first she seemed resistant, but I stood my ground because I had stuff to do.

And to be honest, it was sort of rude of her to just assume I could move all of my previous plans for the day aside just so I could talk to her. As much as I wanted to talk this through, I wasn't going to get rid of my plans for the day just for her.

So in the end, she finally said she could come later. Right after that, I texted Best Friend Rose and told her (and we talked about how out of the blue this was) and came right onto here to tell you guys.

As much as it bewildered me, part of me was relieved because now all of this could be done and over with soon. On the other hand, I hate confrontation, so I was nervous.

After I finished my homework assignment (and if you're wondering, yes, people in online school still get homework, especially in AP classes), I went to wash my hair because it really needed it and also I didn't want to look/smell like a zoo animal when Jazz came over. So I jumped in the shower to wash it, and an hour and a half later I got out. (OKAY. In my defense, I deep condition it every time I wash it, so that's the only reason it took so long! And while the deep conditioner is in, I get out of the shower for a while, and then get back in later to rinse it out, so it's not like I look like a pruny wrinkly 90 year old woman when I finish, haha. JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.)

While I was combing my hair and putting on lotion and all that, I heard noises outside the bathroom door. I assumed it was just my mom doing something or my dog messing around, but lo and behold I get a knock on my door, followed by my mom yelling to me that Jazz was there.

Which sucked, actually, because not only was she way early but I had also gone in there without a change of clothes.

Unsure of what to do, I decided to finish detangling my hair first, because if I waited until later, my hair would be one giant tumbleweed. About 15 minutes later, though, I was already finished, and still all taken off guard.

I was so nervous, Internet. To be honest, I didn't know what I'd expect on the other side of that door. I didn't know if this would be awkward, if she would act stiff and cold towards me, I didn't know how this would go. At all. And it was scary.

But finally, I turned the door knob and went into my room...

...Only to find it empty. Hah.

I went over to my parent's room and asked Mom if Jazz was still there, and she said that Jazz had told her that she had to go run some errands and that she'd come back soon.

Surprised, but relieved, I went back into my room and took that time to change into some fresh clothes. When I glanced at my phone, I saw these texts from Jazz.

"I'll be back at 3:45 ish" and "Sry I just need to run a few errands and I didnt wanna rush u. I tried to say bye but you couldn't hear me"

So I replied and said it was fine, and that I'd see her at 3:45. I got something to eat and listened to some music to calm my nerves a little, and before I knew it, 3:45 rolled around, and she was freakishly on time.

As soon as she got back, my mom let her in, and she came straight upstairs to my room. I'd left the door open, so she just walked in. I tried to feign nonchalance and look up casually from my laptop.

"Hi," I said, my tone even.

"Hey," she said, though she stared at the floor. She seemed really uncomfortable, but that reassured me somehow. "So, let's talk about this."

"Yeah," I said. She started to sit on my bed, but I had purposely clear the clutter in my chair for her to sit in, so I gestured over to the chair openly and tried to say, "Have a seat?" lightly, but somehow instead it sounded like something a campy super villain says to the person entering their lair while stroking a hairless cat. I mentally face-palmed.

She went to go sit down in the chair wordlessly, and started. "Okay. Well, I feel like you have alot you want to say, so go ahead."

I shook my head slowly and shrugged. "No, not really. I've already told you everything I wanted to say in that message, so no." I wonder what she expected me to say. That I hope someone would shave her head in her sleep, or that she would get a flat tire? I really felt like she thought I was more angry than I really was.

She seemed surprised, but nodded.

Now, DAMMIT, this is where my memory starts to fail, because I can't remember the specifics of the conversation anymore.

But basically, at this point she told me that she wishes that I would've said something from the very beginning that something was bothering me, so she could've done something about it, and I definitely agreed with her. I wished I had too, because then I don't think I would've been so angry about it. But the reason I had waited so long to talk to her about everything was because I was afraid it would all blow up, which in a way, it did. I told her that, and she didn't say anything really, just nodded.

So then we talked about I just felt like she stopped caring about me as a friend, and that I was hurt when she stopped hanging out with me and talking to me on a regular basis. She said she had no idea that I felt that way, absolutely none, and that she feels bad about that.

We talked about how I didn't like how she thought of me as a recluse, because my life was different now. I told her how different it was, in fact. I told her how I was healthier now, because I get to eat healthier and actually exercise; something I never did when I was in brick and mortar (sorry, homeschooler term, lulz.).

And I told her how actually being healthier made me happier, and that I have countless hobbies and tons of awesome things that I never got to do before. I told her that yes, I do actually leave the house on a normal basis now, believe it or not, and that Sophomore year was just a exceptionally bad year for me. (Bad to the point where my mom thinks that I may have even had depression for a little bit, something that only got better when I actually started being part of life and enjoying it again.)

Talking about this made me so overwhelmed that I started crying, because I wanted her to know how happy I was. That school was great for me academically, but personally, leaving that school was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I didn't tell her this, but just thinking of how back then despite getting to see my friends, I still dreaded going to school everyday, made me overwhelmed. I made some great friends at that school, and I could never regret that, but I was afraid of everyone else.

Afraid of what they thought of me. Afraid what they thought of what I said, what I wore, what my hair looked like.

I would have never admitted it, but my self esteem was absolutely non-existent. And I tried so hard to make everyone like me. I needed everyone to like me. Everyone at that freaking private school held my entire self-worth, and it terrified me, turned me into this empty shell of a person.

Leaving that school has given me such strength, such confidence that I've never had before, and she just doesn't get it. She thinks leaving that school took away my life, but instead it gave me one.

So I was telling her how happy I was now, all while bawling my eyes out, which probably told her otherwise, but oh well. Because I poured my heart out. So, if she didn't believe me then, then maybe she'll never believe me.

Anyway, after I calmed down, we talked about how we need to communicate more/better. I told her that no talking for 3 months straight is a hell no, because it tripped me out, and I thought she didn't even want to talk to me anymore.

She said she doesn't do it on purpose, just gets busy, but said she'll work on it. She also told me to remind her when she's being distant, and I said I would.

We also talked about how she totally supports my writing and my ambition to be published, and doesn't know where I got that she was skeptical about it. I admitted that on my part, I might have added that in the heat of the moment without really thinking about it first.

Next we talked about how she stopped telling me about her life, and how it made me feel closed off from her and shut out of her life in general. She said she stopped telling me stuff because she felt like she was making me sad with stories from school.

Sad? Sad?!

I told her she shouldn't assume that I didn't want to hear about, that of course I did because I was her friend and that I would have wanted know if she had a freakin' hangnail, and that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to protect my feelings. I also added that I stopped telling her stuff because since she stopped telling me stuff, I just assumed she didn't want to talk about our lives anymore, or that I wasn't welcome to anymore.

She admitted she should have, and then we both promised to stop assuming things about each other, because it obviously doesn't lead to good things. We even laughed about it.

Shortly after that, she had to leave (something about football practice, since she's the football manager) and so we hugged (briefly) and as she left we were both left with a positive feeling.

So since then, things have been a little better. Not perfect, or necessarily good, but better. We've talked twice, both were pretty good conversations, and she invited me to the movies tonight, but unfortunately I couldn't go because of being busy and exhaustion (long story). It's not back to the way it was yet, and I don't expect it to be soon, but it'll get there eventually.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, though, I learned something quite interesting about Jazz from Best Friend Rose yesterday. Actually, two.

1. She fought with another very close friend of hers, just last week. I was pretty close with him too when I still went to their school. Turns out he sent her a message, and essentially said the same exact thing I told her in mine: that he felt like she was making no effort to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Crazy, right? I don't know if maybe seeing me confront her gave him the courage to confront her too, but who knows. He asked if they could talk about it, and talk things through. However, things didn't exactly go as well as things did between her and I. Apparently the two met for coffee, and as they started talking, things were going well at first, but by the end Jazz was screaming at him that he was accusing her of things that were unwarranted and stormed out of the coffee shop. He was adamant that he didn't know how things went so badly, and it really shook him. Rosie said he looked like he'd been crying when he told her. He even said he never wanted to talk to her again. I wasn't there myself, but from what I've heard about it all, he did not deserve that. All I know is, if this is the second time in a row this has happened to Jazz in the past few months. Hopefully she'll start to get it soon, but I'm starting to get the feeling she probably won't.

2. Apparently Jazz chews. Which is a pretty nasty habit to begin with, but on top of that, the Jazz I knew looked down on even cigarette smokes. She was that person that would cringe at people standing outside restaurants smoking. She was also that person that, in fact, scolded Johnny endlessly for smoking cigarettes. She called him an idiot daily for smoking. And that's exactly why it bothers me. It's not even the fact alone that she's chewing, even though it is a disgusting habit. It's just the fact that she used to insult and demonize smokers left and right, and then turns right around and starts chewing, when she insisted time and time again that she would never smoke or use drugs or anything of that nature. It's hypocritical, and it's not the Jazz I knew. At all.

I don't know what will happen with Jazz, but at this point I'm not even sure I want to know. As much as I want to be close with Jazz again, I'm not even sure I know her anymore.

But I won't jump to any conclusions yet. I'll give it some time. We'll see.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: jazz, senior year

present me past me

♡

"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."

Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
Leave me a message here, or email me here. ♥

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A High School girl no longer.}

Sunday, May 20, 2012 | 4:56 PM | 0Comment

Internet.

Labels: graduation, high school, life, school, senior year

And One Week Later...}

Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0Comment

Labels: life, school, senior year, senioritis

For the next week}

Saturday, May 5, 2012 | 8:17 PM | 0Comment

Labels: school, senior year

My College Plans.}

Monday, April 9, 2012 | 10:50 AM | 0Comment

Labels: college, senior year, senioritis

Moving On.}

| 9:05 AM | 0Comment

Labels: age, life, senior year

Updates Updates.}

Friday, March 16, 2012 | 3:05 PM | 0Comment

For a while around the beginning of February, I got super lazy and lost motivation to do my school work--which, you know. Seems to happen to me alot. Yeah. Not good. So then I became behind.
Around that time, I got my first message about graduation. GRADUATION. I KNOW. IT'S ACTUALLY REAL. GAH. Got my cap and gown order form and everything. And it finally hit me that I really am a senior in high school. A senior that's going to graduate and be done with High School for the rest of my life. Holy geez.
We also got an official all-seniors-have-all-of-your-classes-done date. May 11. Oh. OH. OH WOW.
Valentine's Day, I rented like 7 movies and got a bunch of junk food (including a few of my favorites: Tiramasu ice cream and jalapeno chips. YES.) and watched movies all day. Pretty normal Valentine's Day activities for me. Also, Sucker Punch was a really good idea to watch. It was my first time watching it. The whole time I watched it, I was basically like, 'Wow, this is bad. Awesomely bad.' But by the end? Loved it. LOVED IT. I can't explain it, I really can't. It's now one of my favorite movies.
Two days after Valentine's Day, got sick. Bad sick. In fact, I'm finally over it now, but it's taken this long. It was so bad that a lot of my old asthma problems started to come back a little, which I haven't had trouble with in YEARS. We didn't even have any old rescue inhalers that I could use, so basically I just had to suffer through it. 'Twas baaaad. And over the course of my cold, I got my period. Triple whammy. When I had all of that combined, it was the worst week ever.
So then. Once I started getting better, by now I was even more behind in schoolwork. I'd tried to do some work while I was still really sick, since I knew I was so behind, but between cold medicine making me sleepy and falling asleep from exhaustion from not sleeping the night before didn't bode well. PLUS, it didn't help that while I was sick, my school decided to fix all the senior's lesson schedules so that we would all finish by May 11. Which would have been dandy if I wasn't already behind. So now my schedule's all screwy, and where before I might have had 5 or 6 lessons per day, I now have 9 or 10 per day, usually meaning that I have about 2 lessons from each subject for each day. Yeah. Exactly.
SO. The last two weeks, I've been trying my best to catch up with all my make up work. It hasn't been easy, but I've made some progress. And I'm not too worried, because if worst comes to worst, I can work on some during my spring break (the week of the 25th). Which sucks for me, but hey. At least I'd get ahead. BUT NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY.
Oh yeah, my birthday. That's this month. Huh. Time flies.
Anyway, as long as I work my ass off until May 11th, I'm pretty positive I can get it all done. I'm not super behind by now anyway, because like I said, I've been making progress. Even with two semesters of English to get done at the same time, I've done pretty well. Especially considering my teacher was kind enough to let me skip over the research paper this semester, probably since he knows how busy I am. So, you know. Awesome.
On another note, I've been talking to this new guy on OKC.
Well, I was. Until I got sick. Then I couldn't be bothered to log into OKCupid to answer a dumb email because I was too busy dying and being miserable, okay.
Okay, it wasn't dumb, I don't think. I don't know, I still haven't read it yet. Hahaha. He was pretty nice, but it was just idle conversation basically. I kind of felt like pressured to talk to him anyway because he actually first contacted me around October or so, and after I replied to him once or twice, I stopped replying. This conversation was the product of him messaging me again around late January. I finally replied to him this time because I felt bad, it seemed like he really wanted to talk to me. And as it goes, I don't reply to a lot of messages on there anymore, because like I said in an earlier entry, I've been pretty much disenchanted with the whole online dating scene and I've come to realize it doesn't work well for me.
But anyhow, I replied to him, and we'd been talking on and off for about two weeks. He's a gamer, works for the Air Force, and likes to go shooting and hiking. He's a nice dude, really, but I just really have no interest in dating right now. Like, none. Absolutely none at all. Honestly, I'd rather drink 2 gallons of milk than start dating someone right now. (And for the record, I hate milk. Deplore it. I'm not lactose intolerant, but the slightest wiff of it makes me immediately nausious. I can't even watch people drink it. Ugh, just typing this is grossing me out.) I'm just so busy and so involved with other things that I can't even think about meeting someone that I might have interest in dating.
Hell, even if Ryan Gosling showed up at my doorstep right now and got down on one knee with a green Ring Pop, asked me to be his lover, and then joined me in a rendition of 'Wannabe' complete with Scary Spice and Baby Spice outfits, I would still say no. Also, that would be really weird.
POINT BEING: I cannot date or even THINK of dating right now. My sanity is at stake, here.
In other news, me and Best Friend Rose are okay now. For now, anyway. I just got tired of being pissed, I don't hold grudges very well. Plus, the season finale of the Bachelor was on, and we had to talk about it. Yes, I know it's scripted. Yes, it's really ridiculous and cheesy, I know. It's entertaining. I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
Also, I don't know about the whole Ricky Bobby thing still. Still driving me crazy. Trying to forget, though.
Off subject sorry, but the door to my school office is so thin and I can hear every freaking noise in the house when it's closed and it's driving me crazy lately. Like, right now, my mom is having a sneezing fit and she sneezes really loudly and every time she does it scares the crap out of me and I jump and then I keyboard smash all over the place. Jafjkafjkls.
So yeah, Rosie wanted to go to a school play tonight but I'm so shackled up to my desk right now, finishing work, that I'm not even sure I can go. Sunlight? What's...what's that? Is it a food? ....Outdoors? What? Is that a country? What is the outside world?
Plus, I have to wash my hair, because it's really really nasty and dirty, but I don't even think I have time for THAT. SCHOOL IS RUINING ME AND REVERTING ME INTO A CAVE(WO)MAN.
Frankenstein is a good book.
I have no one to see The Hunger Games movie with, because none of my friends have read it. Sob.
I got my new Big Bang album in the mail two days ago. It's glorious. Been playing it nonstop. A CD with a HUGE honkin' metal case with full size poster and high-res photobook and stickers, all for $20, including shipping? KOREA. I LOVE YOU.
Too much capslock in this entry.

Wow, long bulletpoint entry. But hopefully you got the POINT. Hah. Hah. The POINT.

...I'm stalling. Going back to work now. *drags ball and chain back to desk*

xo Hopeless Romantic

(Font's back to normal but now it's spaced all weird. UGH. Blogger, what's up?)

(EDIT: Fixed the spacing. Whew.)

Labels: bulletpoint entry, fandom ish, okcupid, school, senior year

Colds and Other Illnesses.}

Saturday, March 3, 2012 | 1:53 PM | 0Comment

INTERNATZ.

BUT. During that whole conversation, after telling her that I didn't feel up to going out and that she should go anyway, Rosie says this:

"Well I feel bad, I don't want you to be upset with me :/ Ricky Bobby says he hasn't seen you in years and wants to see you!"

Uh huh. Yeah. Check out that bombshell.

And it's not like thinking about him is a normal, everyday thing for me anymore. But that one day was an exception. And I thought about him all. Freaking. Day.

I swear. And then yesterday, I get this news. It's...very unnerving.

I mean...first off, how does Rosie even know about this? Does she talk to him regularly, or something? And how did I not know about that?

This is so weird, because I haven't written about him on here in almost a year. And now this.

And if she cancels on me again this time, I will sprint all the way to her new house during the night and replace her shampoo and conditioner with Nair. Swear to God.

Ugh. WHAT IS THIS.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: crap, ricky bobby, senior year

Snow.}

Thursday, February 2, 2012 | 12:16 PM | 0Comment