There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
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Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.

• I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
• I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
• Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
• I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
• After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)

Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder

Hey Internet!

Yes, I am alive. After my big writing challenge month, I needed some time to unwind and let the soreness leave my hands. (Seriously, I wrote 50,000 words in a month. My hands were SCREAMING.)

So! To keep things a little simpler, let me utilize some bullet points to let you know what's been going on lately.

I:

• Finished the writing challenge successfully, with 50,000 words accomplished
• Felt super jazzed and excited, then a little dumbfounded for a couple days after I finished--kinda like, "Welp. I finished this big giant thing, What now?"
• Began editing the first draft I wrote
• Thought about Jazz's wedding a little more, realized her and her hubs have been having weekend grillouts in their backyard that I knew nothing about and wasn't invited to. Oh.
• Began saving up money for my first official piece of furniture in my main/living room, which will enable me to finally use that room more than I have for the year and a half I've been in this house. (A futon. Next will be a microwave. Movie/k-drama nights will be upgraded by 1000. Can you say a comfy seat curled up with blanket, some popcorn, hot cocoa, or bowl ramen? And in my own living room! Woo!)
• Also started thinking more about the Brennan thing, then started...feeling...bad? Yep. And a little sad.
• Got some bad news about school and had to deal with the emotional aftermath.

Labels: brennan, college, disappointment, fear, jazz, okcupid, social media

Internet. The day I had been so nervously waiting upon with mixed feelings has finally happened.

The closer this day has gotten, the faster the days seemed to go.

As (some of) you might know, I've been participating in the summer edition of NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month). Which means that every day of July, I've been writing my ass off. At the end of July, I will hopefully have a completed full first draft of a story on my hands, which will make the second full, novel-length story I have completed just this year. (WOW.)

So far this month, I've been typing away at my laptop. And between all that typing and plotting and such, I've been thinking about this wedding.

Earlier this month, Jazz has visited twice. Once as a just-dropping-in kinda thing, and another the next week to give my mom a haircut (she's an officially liscensed hair stylist now. So proud of her.) The two visits put some things to rest that I'd been worried about the past couple of months.

The first one: she's definitely not moving. Her and her fiancee (now husband, but I'll get to that in a second, whew!) have bought their first house and have moved in already, and are getting things together in their new house. She even mentioned that after the wedding, we could hang out more. Which meant a LOT.

And the second one: She told me that I was the only person from our old school that she invited to the wedding. The ONLY ONE. She didn't even invite Colbie, who she's drifted away from the past couple of years and then permanently cut herself off from early this year when the aforementioned girl got MARRIED two months after calling off another wedding with a completely different guy, which she had originally asked Jazz to be a part of and made her buy an expensive bridesmaid's dress and everything, yikes. (I hadn't even known Colbie had gotten married! Me and Jazz were pretty tight with her in middle school, and she and Jazz were even closer in high school, so it's totally crazy that she would treat Jazz that way. The girl is nutso.)

Anyway, that told me that she really did value me as a friend, and that I wasn't just some obligation, or something. My worries about being left behind were put to rest.

The day she cut my mom's hair was her birthday. She came in the morning, and I wasn't feeling too hot (monthly gift), but I had written her a handwritten birthday letter.

Basically, the summarized gist of it (because I didn't keep record of exactly what I said, and dammit I should have) said, "Your 21st year will probably be the most important year of your life so far. There will be a lot of changes in your life this year, but I'm certain that if anyone can handle them, you can. Some changes I may not be able to relate to, but that doesn't matter. You're still my friend. I know that I don't act like it sometimes, but our friendship is important to me. I'm trying my best to work on that, though. I hope that no matter what changes we both go through, we'll still be here for each other and remember how important our friendship is. Happy Birthday. See you at your wedding!"

It was basically the simplified version of how I've been feeling, but she seemed to really love it. I hope she did.

So, back to the big day!!

In the days leading up to it, I took extra good care of my skin and hair, wanting to look good for pictures that might come back to haunt me in 10 years (HAH). That morning, I got up extra early to shave my legs, check the results of the sleeping mask I wore as I slept to get plump, flawless glowing skin (a great success!), do my makeup and hair, and I wore the pink dress that I got at that boutique downtown for my birthday.

Me and my parents headed over to the venue, which was a gorgeous, outdoor garden, with gazebos, fountains, statues, flowers, string lights, butterflies and lush green trees. The whole place was straight out of a fairytale book. They offered guests water and coffee upon entering, along with cute pamphlets for the wedding that had a crossword puzzle on the back with facts about the bride and groom.

After talking to Jazz's father (and giving him a hug of course), who was jittery but happy, we went to go find seats.

Determining which angle I would get the best pictures from (after Jazz told me her wedding would have an official hashtag for Instagram, I told her "I'm gonna Instagram this wedding like it's my job."), we sat. After a while of waiting, (and swatting flies with my pamphlet) it was time.

Her sister (her only bridesmaid) walked down the aisle, the groomsman came down the aisle, and then the music for the Jazz started as she came out in her beautiful white dress.

It's kind of strange, I didn't cry that much. Before, I was positive that I would be a wreck during the entire thing, but I wasn't. I only teared up once during the entire ceremony. My mom cried more than me, actually. Thinking back, aside from snapping pictures of all the important moments--her dad walking her down the aisle, her and her husband standing at the podium together holding hands, their first kiss together as man and wife--the whole thing feels like a dream.

I watched in a daze, half wondering if I was imagining the whole thing. In fact, looking back now, I'm crying more.

Even during the brunch reception, seeing them sign the certificate didn't make me cry. I didn't even cry during their first dance, although I enjoyed it and got a perfect, 15 second instavideo of it. (They danced to We Found Love by Ed Sheeran.) I didn't cry during the toasts, either.

It just hadn't hit me, I think. I can be that way with big life events, I'm learning--when something big happens, it doesn't fully hit me until much later. I watched one of the best friends I've ever had get married. I went to her wedding. Jazz has a husband now.

Speaking of their first dance, during it, I got a special surprise.

After taking my short instavid, I was standing there watching them dance when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Sarah?"

Turning, I was facing my middle school nurse, Mrs. R*.

Some background here: Mrs. R was not just the middle school nurse. To me and Jazz, and several other girls at the school, she was a counselor. She was a friend. Our middle school years were our most tumultuous, and when things got really bad, we went to the nurse's office. Not just when we were sick, or when we were injured or didn't feel good. We went there for emotional counseling. Friend drama? Mrs. R had advice. Boy troubles? Mrs. R always had boy advice. Trouble at home? Mrs. R had advice and a shoulder to cry on.

She's probably the single reason that I made it through middle school in one piece. She's the reason I made it through all my Ricky Bobby troubles in the eighth grade, plus all of my other troubles. (I talked to her about him all the time. I remember right around when I realized how much I liked him, I was in her office one day during lunch, and I told her, verbatim, "Mrs. R, I just...I like him so so much. What am I gonna do?")

So, as you can imagine, seeing her was an enormous welcome surprise. I hugged her and squealed (she's shorter than me. Me, who's shorter than everybody.) and we talked for a little bit. She asked how I'm doing, and even though that's always an awkward question for me to answer (because I never know how to answer it. How am I doing, anyway? Am I good? Am I not? And why would I say if I wasn't?) I told her I was doing all right, and that I've been taking things one day at a time. I asked how she was doing, and she told me she doesn't work at the school anymore, and just works part time now. We talked for a little more, and then I told her that me and my parents were just about to leave, but that it was so nice to see her again (Looking back, I think I kind of seemed like I was in a rush to leave, and I feel bad about that. Damn social deficiencies.)

Talking to her again for the first time since middle school really was the cherry on top of an already nice day.

Before leaving, I went over to Jazz to give her a hug and say congratulations again (the first time was earlier in the reception, where I also forced her to take a selfie with me HAH), telling her goodbye and that I love her and that I kept my promise to post to Instagram with her hashtag. (Can you believe I was the only one at that wedding that used the hashtag? THE ONLY ONE. I saw lots of phones out at that wedding, how was I the only one?? But from the looks of it, my pics were the best ones--my brand new phone's high res. camera, crystal clear zoom and cute filters? Pfffft. No question, mine were definitely the best.)

Walking out of that fairytale wedding was just as surreal as walking into it.

I'm still in a daze about it all, although it may be finally hitting me now, somewhat. Seeing Jazz update her relationship status on Facebook may be part of it (from 'in a relationship' to 'married'. Whoa.). When she changes her last name there, it may hit me even more. When I got to their house for the first time, my head just might explode.

One thing for sure, though, is that I feel so grateful that I was able to be even a small part of this major event in her life.

After seeing them together, and seeing how happy she was, I can't believe I ever even questioned her choice. I can see now that this was a good decision, and that they're made for each other. Sometimes I'm such a cynic that it's hard for me to believe that other people could actually be happy together, and genuinely want to spend their whole lives together.

Maybe it's hard for me to believe sometimes because I haven't experienced a relationship at all, let alone that kind of love. I have no idea what that feels like. But seeing Jazz get married, I think I finally have a teeny little hope somewhere inside of me that someday, I could be lucky enough to.

This Hopeless Romantic has gained back some of the romantic inside of her after this wedding.

Congratulations, Jazz. All the best to you and your new husband. As you step forward in this new phase of your life, I'll be here, cheering you on, for as long as I possibly can.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: adulthood, babies and marriage?!?, blast from the past, growing up, jazz, weddings

Internet!

Here comes the second part of my rambling update where I talk about ordinary things that happened in excruciating detail!

So first. My birthday. My odd, exhausting but also mostly uneventful 22nd birthday.

Now. I had planned what I wanted to do on my birthday months in advance. Not down to the very smallest detail of course, but I'm a meticulous person. I like lists, I like organization (except for in some places in my room), and I very much like planning far far ahead. I planned from the beginning that I wanted, during the day on my birthday, to go shopping at some fun stores. Then, for later on in the evening, I wanted to eat at a yummy restaurant and have yummy wine with family and at least my one friend (since Jazz and I weren't really talking around the time of my birthday last year.) and have a generally nice day.

Well. That...didn't exactly happen.

The way things tend to go wrong when you need them to go right, that is what happened on this day. I mean...pretty much everything went wrong. It would've been hilarious if it were on a sitcom and it weren't my life.

One important detail--in my family, we have one car. Let me repeat. One car. As we have had issues with several times before. When your family can only afford one car, let me tell you, it creates lots of problems. For instance, if one family member works full time (my dad) and needs the car pretty much 80% of the time, then going out and getting activities done while they're hogging the car is pretty much impossible (and since we live in the suburbs, walking to places is time consuming and would be like trekking to Mordor and back).

We had arranged ahead with my dad to let us drop him off at work, borrow the car for the day, and go shopping like I had planned. And said plans got pretty much beaten to a pulp and thrown in the trash. As our plans got pushed back, pushed back, and pushed back, and I had begun to lose hope in them even coming around at all, I started to get ready anyway.

The night before, I put my hair up in sock curlers--which I'd done at least 20 times for nights before school, and it had always turned out adorable and neat and super easy to take out and make my hair look like I'd spent 2 hours working on it. Imagine my horror when I take them out of my hair and--lo and behold--my hair turns out AWFUL. Just the frizziest, matted, greasiest-looking mess you could ever imagine.

I had seldom ever had hair as terrible as this before in my life. And it was my BIRTHDAY.

So, a frustrated, frizzy mess, I went upstairs to my mom to complain, all like, "LOOK AT MY HAIR!" And so as she calms me down, she suggests that I use heat (something I rarely do these days anymore) to fix the problem. Reluctantly, I agree, because at that point there was nothing else I could do to fix it.

So I go back down to my basement, go to my bathroom, and as I try to comb through the knots, it seemingly makes the frizziness worse. And I look at the clock and realize how much of my birthday has gone by, and that it's almost dinner time, and I was trying to salvage my hair. Then I start to panic.

Not just any old panic, however. Nope. I just had to pick my birthday to have my first panic attack in a while.

Yup. I hyperventilate. My heart feels like it's trying to beat its' way out of my ribcage. I get dizzy. I sit down on the bathroom floor. I begin to sob hysterically.

Even though part of me knows it's ridiculous and really freaking sad that I'm having a panic attack on my birthday of all days, as always, it's not something I can help. I sit there and try to fix my breathing and cry and think of how it's so fucking sad that I was turning 22 and I couldn't even get out of the house of my own choice on my birthday.

20 minutes later, the attack subsided and I pulled myself together. I flat ironed my hair, did my makeup decently enough but not the way I'd planned to do it originally because I didn't have time now, put on my birthday outfit (a cute black birthday dress I'd bought a month before, my black platform combat boots, and pink Minnie Mouse ears--but I forgot my sweater, and it was windy and chilly outside) and finally it was time to leave.

Throughout all of this mess was also the restaurant mess. My dad failed to tell me before this day that the restaurant I had chosen was too expensive, so I literally had to pull some other restaurant off the top of my head to go to instead. (Red Robin. Yeah. Not so exciting. But my only requirements at this point were 1. food that I liked and 2. alcohol. Which they have. And I needed, especially the second one, after the day I'd had.) And then I had to keep texting Jazz to let her know of all these changes and reschedulings.

I felt awful for putting through all of this, especially the day of, and when it was getting near the time to meet her at the restaurant, I could tell she was getting exasperated and I wondered if she still wanted to come at all--a thought which upset me even more because after not having a friend with me there to celebrate my 21st birthday, having a friend with me on my 22nd birthday meant a lot more than I realized. As soon as we arrived at the restaurant (after making a quick run to a store downtown to get a dress I'd seen there a week earlier, which will be the dress I wear to Jazz's wedding btw) I apologized profusely, telling her that I was embarrassed and would understand if she didn't want to be there.

She took it all in stride, though, and the dinner went mostly okay, especially after I began drinking my sangria and all the edginess and upset melted off.

As we finished dinner, I asked Jazz if she wanted to come over and have some cake, and she agreed. I rode with her in her car on the way over, and during the ride, I vented to her about the woes of that day--excepting the attack I'd had. She doesn't know that I struggle with them, and it's not something I tell people about easily. (I even refrained from writing about them on here for a while. I'll save that for another entry, though.) She understood why I was frustrated, and said I didn't have to apologize. And at that moment, I was so relieved she was there.

When we arrived at our house, we sliced into my delicious birthday cake (chocolate, with light pink and white frosting, strawberry halves on the sides, and 'Happy 22nd Birthday, Sarah!' written in red frosting). We chatted for a bit about different things, planned to go to our favorite pottery painting place soon, and then she left.

Thus was my odd, exhausting but mostly uneventful 22nd birthday.

Thinking about it now just exhausted me mentally all over again, and I'd rather not think about it any more, to be honest. Thank God it's over, Hah.

So now here comes the last big part I need to update on: Jazz.

About a week or a week and a half after my weird birthday, Jazz picked me up and we zipped on over to our hole-in-the-wall cute pottery painting place. She introduced me to the place, and going there is the most relaxing, peaceful experience. (Except for the country music the owner plays. But hey, it's not my business.) If I could, I would spend all my time between there and the library and my favorite bubble tea cafe.

So I painted a cool bowl-mug type thing, and she made a glass jewelry necklace type thing, and enjoyed each other's company without feeling like we need to talk, which I've always liked about Jazz.

Afterwards we drove by Starbucks so I could get a panini and a frappe, because I hadn't eaten and I was starved (also, in a weird moment, inside the cafe, I thought for a moment that I saw Rose there out of the corner of my eye--I'm pretty sure it wasn't her, but it was pretty weird). Then she had a customer's appointment to get to, so she dropped me off back home. It was an overall fun day.

The thing I need to talk about though is this: the wedding.

The impending date seems like it's coming faster and faster. Now it's in approximately a month, when it seems like they just got engaged yesterday. They sent out invitations already, with a prim and neat engagement photo on the inside of it.

On the day we hung out, she confided in me that after the wedding, they might move out-of-state for a job opportunity for her now-fiancee-but-soon-to-be-husband.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy for Jazz. I am. It really seems like she's found something real, and I'm happy for her.

But there's a teeny, tiny, very self centered and selfish part of me that feels like marriage might just force us to grow further apart than we already have. That my last friend here in town is going to have this whole new big married life without me in it, and she'll forget all about me.

So feeling this way, that's probably why the littlest things have bothered me lately--like her not following me back on Instagram when I've been following her for 2 whole months now, and her posts on Facebook about wedding planning and her and her fiancee signing a lease for a house together. Not going to lie, seeing those posts makes me feel...strange.

It's selfish, I know. It has nothing to do with me. It's not my business. She's starting a whole new life now, and it's not that I expect her to stay the same just for me.

But the further into my 20's I get, the more I feel like this big, clueless kid whose old friends are all growing up at the speed of light and my old life is breaking down and fading away faster than I could have ever imagined it would have.

It's scary, you guys. It's scary, uncertain, and it's left me feeling alone and like I've accomplished nothing.

But it's not my place to place those feelings on her. I have to be the happy, supportive friend. Because that's what she needs me to be now.

Maybe she will forget about me. Maybe we will drift further apart. But I don't want to be the bitter bitch who ruined her special day.

I will be here for her as long as she needs me to be.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: babies and marriage?!?, birthday, bitterness, growing up, jazz, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, updates

Internet!!

So. I wasn't quite sure where to start with writing about all the things that have changed since I last wrote. I mean just...a lot of things have changed. A lot.

First things first...I live in a new house.

Yup. We moved. ONCE AGAIN. And this time, it's in a house with just me, my mom, and my dad (and dog). You might recall that I've lived with my grandma and young cousins for...well, as long as I've had this blog. Since the 8th grade. Basically my grandma moved into us to help us pay rent, because we could barely afford ours and she could barely afford hers, and it would be much easier for all of us if we lived together.

But after a while the dynamic in the house shifted--soon my grandma refused to help pay rent and the utility bill, and the pressure was on my parents to pay all of it. So as you can imagine, that actually made our financial situation worse. We have been very very tight on money, barely living paycheck to paycheck, for years now.

And aside from money, none of us had been very happy with living together for the past year or so. There had always kind of been tension, especially between my mom and my grandma (my dad's mother), but in 2013 it came to a head multiple times. Someone was always arguing or yelling at each other, or my cousins were always getting into mischief, leaving us to clean after them. And worst of all, for me, was that my grandma was always inviting people we didn't know over to our house without telling us. There had been many a time when a stranger would come over and I'd be in my pajamas in the living room, bed hair and all. Not only humiliating but also annoying when said stranger comes over again, sees me again but in daytime clothes, and would say, "Oh, you got dressed today!"

So around Christmas time, when we discovered that we would have to move soon because the landlord wanted to sell the house, I confronted Mom about possibly moving into separate houses now, and she could not agree more with me. So that led to both of us confronting Dad about it, and then him confronting Grandma, and well...here we are.

It took some convincing on her end, however. Until she realized that she wanted her own house again too, haha. Then we helped her find a house, and we found our new house. And it all worked out!

And here's the most hilarious part of it...we moved next door to our old house. HAHA. Literally one house over.

We were having such a hard time trying to find a place, and then we found out that the house next door was up for rent, so we looked...and it was perfect. Funny how stuff like that works out, isn't it?

SO. The new house. Just a two story, a main floor and a basement. And the entire basement is mine. Main/living space, my bedroom, my own bathroom with a door right to it from my room, and a WALK IN CLOSET.

I've never in my life had a bathroom connected to my bedroom, or a walk in closet. And as it's in the basement, it's quiet, and just as cool as I like it to be in my room. In all honesty, it's the best room I've ever had, and that includes the room I had in middle school where I had my own deck outside.

The only downside: the bugs. Inevitable for any basement, I think. We've been trying our best to keep them away, although there have been some pretty bad incidents (one includes a giant spider on the toilet paper in the bathroom, which I accidentally touched when it fell INTO MY HAND. Will never look at toilet paper the same way. Scarred for life.)  but we're working on it.

But the pros far outweigh the cons, and my stress levels have gone down significantly since moving. I think they have for all of us, even my grandma and cousins. And when we miss each other, we visit each other's houses for a few hours, and then we go home. To separate houses. And live peacefully how we want. Such a relief, I cannot even tell you.

So since we've moved to the new house, we've been very busy trying to get everything organized and looking presentable (or somewhat presentable) and my main area down here only has a folding chair, 3 bookshelves, and a TV in it, lol. But babysteps! We'll get it together eventually.

Aside from the house, some other things have changed for me as well.

• Me and Rose do not speak anymore, aside from the occasional Instagram comment or Facebook comment she leaves me. Which I'll sometimes respond to. 
• Me and Jazz don't speak anymore either, except for the time in January when I helped her out at her salon school by being a hair model (where I made the mistake of letting her chop off WAY too much of it, ack!) She was supposed to graduate her salon school in March, and I'm assuming she still did, but getting caught up with moving and my birthday, I didn't hear about it. She also somewhat recently deleted her Facebook, and as I only have her number now, I don't know what she's up to these days. Kinda sad about that, because she was the only person aside from family that lived here that really acted like she cared about me, but what can you do. 
•  Turned 21 (notice the change in the blog title!!!) in March, and I've since been enjoying an occasional drink here and there. My first alcoholic drink, on my birthday at the restaurant we went to, was a glass of Sangria, which I enjoyed so much that I drank my mom's afterwards as well. Got a little tipsy, and got my first hangover the day afterwards (hit me like a ton of bricks, good lord). I've also learned I enjoy mixed drinks, that I should not mix alcohols and that I should stay away from margaritas for a while because tequila is the devil. (Learned that two weeks ago at a Mexican restaurant, drank all of my Sangria and then thought it was a brilliant idea to drink the rest of my mom's margarita right afterwards. Threw it all up in the restaurant bathroom literally 5 minutes after finishing it. Not my brightest moment. But it tasted like a slushie! I thought I'd be fine!) So yeah, still learning. I didn't have any experience drinking in high school like most people so it might take me a while to get used to it and build up my tolerance.
• Started a diet. Now, before anything else, I want to clarify: I'm not doing it to lose weight. I've been eating a crap ton of fast food and other processed food the past 5 months or so, and I need to detox. I'd started feeling truly awful and so unhealthy because of it, so I decided to start a reasonable diet. I started this diet, the paleo diet, at the beginning of this month, so it's literally super recent. Some days I really enjoy it, others I want to put my fist through a window and then eat an entire block of cheese. But thankfully, I gave myself Saturday and Sunday to eat all the junk I want, and during my diet days I allow myself greek yogurt and hummus because I would miss them way too much.

Labels: birthday, change, firsts, health, jazz, job stuff, rose, shenanigans

Well, Internet. Little while no see, again! First things first: Finally updated the blog title. Because as of March 29, this anonymous blogger is officially 20 years old.

20. I'm 20. I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD.

It doesn't make sense to me even when I say it out loud to myself again and again. I'm twenty? Me? But.....what?

I mean, for me, when I was a teenager I hardly felt like I was actually a teenager. So now I'm a twenty something. God.......what? WHAT? I STILL FEEL 14 YEARS OLD INTERNALLY. HOW AM I TWENTY.

Of course I know that age is just a number but seeing it just freaks me out, ahahaha. And in the grand scheme of things, 20 is actually quite young. In the grand scheme of things, in terms of adult years, I'm still more like a kid. And hey, I still can't legally drink alcohol. So I'm not fully grown up yet, hahah.

I don't know. I don't think I'm old or anything, because I know I'm not. I'll start freaking out about getting old when I hit 40.

But it's strange. Technically this is no longer a teen blog anymore. That's weird, right? Wow.

Well, speaking of my blog, my 5 year blogoversary was a good few weeks ago, on May 24! I've had this blog for five years. The entire later half of my teenage years. That's pretty long. I'm sorry I didn't create an entry for it on the day of it, I'm still trying to figure out how to balance out all of my hobbies with being healthy, lmao. I'm working on it, though!
Anyway, those of you that have continued to read my blog, thank you so much. I honestly appreciate it. What first started out as something I made to keep my emotions straight and to keep myself sane, it has become a place where I can truly be myself. Thank you for tolerating my crazy. I love you.

So, you guys are probably wonder what the title of this post means. Let's get to that, shall we?

First, let's talk about my birthday. I'm sort of irked that I didn't write about this earlier, but I think that now that I'm writing about it much much later, I'm more rational about it after the fact. Had I written this the day after my birthday, however, I think it would have been super emo and angry, lol.

BUT BUT BUT before my birthday, a few weeks before in fact, something big happened.

Best Friend Rose came over for the first time in.....gosh, I don't even know. It had been at least a month and a half since I'd last seen her. Which I understood, because she'd been super busy with her job as a hostess at a restaurant and with school which was burying her alive. She seemed really stressed, so I didn't want to nag her about not being able to hang out. But finally, she came over for a bit, although she couldn't sleep over because she had work later that night.

We were watching TV and catching up a little bit on what had been going on the past few weeks. I got up and said I had to get something to eat because I was starving, and then suddenly she got really serious and said she had to tell me something important when I got back from getting some food.

I was immediately curious about what it could be, because I hadn't seen Rose look so serious in a long time. In fact, she's rarely so serious. She even looked a little nervous. So I said okay, left and got some food, settled back down on the bed and told her 'shoot'.

She was even more nervous now, so she took in a deep, shaky breath and came out with it. She said she had started seeing somebody.

And her name was Holly*.

I paused for a good 3 seconds before it sunk in. It was just a good few seconds of shock. "Oh," I said. ".....Oh!"

Now Internet, here's why I was shocked: Rose has never once shown any interest like that towards girls before. Like.....ever. I mean, showed in interest at all. No sexual interest, no emotional interest, not even any attraction, from what I can remember. If there had been examples of this in the past, this probably wouldn't have come as much of a shock to me.

Nevertheless, after getting over my momentary shock, I asked how they met. Rose started telling me about her, about how Holly had shown interest in her first and treated her amazingly, and about how Rose really really liked her for her personality. She did mention that she isn't attracted to her sexually, and how if they were ever intimate she wasn't sure if she would be used to it. So I do wonder about that, but honestly, she seems really happy.

I told her as long as she's being treated right, and she's happy, then I'm happy for her and I support her. After I told her that, she started crying. I can imagine it was really hard to tell me all that, especially considering the way she grew up.

She was raised in a very very strict Protestant family, and while Rose told me that she told her sisters and her mom already, and they were very supportive of her, she still hasn't told her dad. Which I completely understand.

Her parents got divorced while we were in middle school, and while I like her dad......how should I say this.....he's controlling. While I think he considers himself strict, it's more that he's a bit controlling and a bit of a misogynist. Growing up, he never hesitated to tell Rose, her sister, and his wife when they were 'getting fat', or other similar criticisms to that. He was very strict religiously, as well. He forbade his daughters from watching shows and movies that were what he called 'ungodly'. Made sure they never wore low cut shirts or shorts or mini skirts; (if I'm remembering this one correctly) if things were written on their clothes, they had to be Bible quotes. I kid you not.

So..........yeah. As you can imagine, telling her dad would be a complete and utter disaster. I honestly feel like he'd end up doing something crazy, like disowning her, or some crazy shit like that. Which is really sad, but you know how some people are. And he's just one of those people.

So I completely understand keeping this from her father. In fact I think it's the wise thing to do, tbh. And I'm happy that her sisters and mother are super supportive and happy for her, as well. Shows the kind of people they are, I think.

So yeah! Shocking, yes. I never expected Rose to be bi, like ever. (She says she still likes guys too, by the way. Holly just happens to be the first girl she's ever liked.) But I felt honored that she trusted me enough to tell me, and I'm glad that she's happy. I don't think she's ever been this happy in a relationship with a guy, which says something I think.

But while this is all well and good, we come back to the original topic.......my birthday.

Weeks before my birthday, I asked Rose if we could do something on my birthday. This idea meant a lot to me, considering the fact that my 19th birthday had been very lonely and somewhat disappointing. (Refer here.) I told her I just wanted to have a nice day and spend some time with my best friend, since I hadn't gotten to last year. We decided on seeing a movie and going to lunch afterwards, since she (awesomely!) had that day off. I was excited about doing something fun for a change on my birthday, as I hadn't done something with her on my birthday since my 18th birthday. I even kept reminder her of it, telling her not to make plans. And as the day drew closer, the more and more excited I got that I actually had birthday plans.

Then the day of my birthday came.

The day started out with me waking up somewhat late (whoops) but seeing my birthday card and birthday money from my parents (they had to go to work early) getting texts and tweets from my k-pop friends saying Happy Birthday (I'll breach this subject in another entry). And seeing them all put me in such a good mood, and I was in a breezy mood all throughout getting ready. I picked a super super cute outfit, did my makeup all pretty, and about the same time I finished getting ready, Rose and her sister arrived to pick me up.

Her sister dropped us off at the theater, and we were already late to the movie so there wasn't much catching up done at all as we power-walked into the theater just as the movie's opening credits were playing. (We saw Oz, by the way. I kind of hated it, but this isn't a movie review so ANYWAY)

Sometime during the movie, Rose leaned over and whispered that her sister couldn't pick us back up again as she'd said, so Holly was going to instead.

All I could do was whisper back, "Okay," and hope the movie wouldn't end too soon.

However, when the movie ended, and we both went to the bathroom, I asked to clarify, "Is Holly having lunch with us?"

"Yeah," she said. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. "Why?"

Immediate unease and slight annoyance. So, she had just invited her to my birthday lunch? Without asking me first? All righty, then. "Oh. I was just asking."

At my stiff tone, she glanced at me again. "It's okay, isn't it?"

This question annoyed me even more, tbh. On the one hand, the way she had said the question had made it sound like it wasn't a question. Like she just expected me to be cool with it even the hadn't even asked me about it. On the other hand, I didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter. It wasn't like I could just say no, because this situation 1. felt like a set up just so I could meet her girlfriend and 2. felt like a true test of my 'support', which I didn't think was exactly fair. But what could I do about it? Say no and walk home?

"Yeah, sure." was all I said.

Now, let me clarify here: I wasn't uneasy and annoyed that she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. No, no no. Far from it. I told Rose I wanted to meet Holly before, and I really meant it. Of course I wanted to meet the person that was making my best friend happy. The reason I was uneasy and annoyed was because of the following reasons:

• No one else would be there. And I fucking hate being a third wheel. With every fiber of my being. Especially when Rose is involved because I'm sorry but whenever Rose is dating someone, they're always super PDA-y and nauseating and there's nothing I hate more than couples like that all up in my face, to be quite honest.
• I'm really horrible with meeting new people, and before meeting new people, I like to kind of prepare myself so I don't come off as a standoffish bitch because of my shyness.
• It was my birthday and all I had wanted was to spend some 1 on 1 time with my best friend and catch up and talk like old times. That was all I wanted, especially after my terrible last birthday. And now that was ruined. 

So, it went pretty awful. As soon as Holly arrived, they went off into their own world and Rose pretty much ignored me the entire time. When we went to lunch, Holly paid for all three of us, which I really honestly did appreciate, but right after that it was back to me being invisible. And I did try to talk to Rose, believe me, it's not like I just sat there and went "PAY ATTENTION TO ME", or anything like that. But every attempt was futile. So I pretty much sat there miserable and picked at my food and texted my other friends while they were practically on each other's laps and kissed and talked about inside jokes.

Finally when it was over, I gave Holly directions to my house, and when I got there Rose walked me to my door, I stiffly hugged her goodbye, and when I got inside my mom was home. I basically ate the rest of my food from the restaurant, told her how horribly things went, and then cried because of how angry I was.

Later that day, after going out to dinner with my family and having a much better time compared to lunch, I quickly logged onto Facebook to reply to and like the birthday posts on my wall. And it wasn't until then I realized that I'd never gotten any birthday messages from Rose. Not one Facebook post, not one text. Not even when she had greeted me that morning in person.

Not one.

And I realized something. Something that I'm honestly shocked took me so long to figure out.

There have been times that Rose has been good to me, even great to me, and our friendship was really strong. But there have also been times (that have been increasing the past year or so) when she's, honest to God, treated me like shit. This was one of those times.

And honestly? Every other person in my life that has seen how she treats me has told me this. My parents have said this to me many times. Johnny used to say this time me all the time. Jazz has told this to me multiple times over the years, the most recent time being the day we both got in the car accident last year (look here). It's what I cried about in the middle of Panda Express, because that day, for the first time, I'd realized that she was right.

So fast forwarding back to my birthday this year, after realizing that she hadn't even told me Happy Birthday at all, I felt sorry for myself. I really honestly just felt sorry for myself. Had I really been treated that way, by my own 'best friend', on my birthday? And I was just going to take it?

Of course I was going to take it, I thought. Because I always had. I was always Sweet Sarah. The Sarah that never got mad. The Sarah that was always understanding. The Sarah that always got stepped all over because people could get away with it.

And if you'll recall, this isn't the first time I've felt this way. (Refer to this whole entry.) And I'm just...really really really fucking sick of feeling like this.

I need new friends. I need friends that won't make fun of the things I like and friends that actually want to talk to me and friends I have stuff in common with and friends that won't treat me like shit. Which I have found, by the way. They just don't live here. (Again, I'll write about this in another entry sometime soon, hopefully.)

I'm sort of torn at this point because...well. It's not good timing.

I've seen Rose once since my birthday, and I told her that I was upset about my birthday and why I was upset. And I made sure to make it abundantly clear that no, it wasn't because I didn't want to meet Holly. That was why I was hesitant to tell her in the first place, because I thought she would immediately assume I wasn't supporting her relationship. I reiterated multiple times that that wasn't it, and I didn't want her to think it was.
But I still told her how much I hated being a third wheel, and how uncomfortable it made me to be one, and it didn't matter that it was me being a third wheel with Rose there because being a third wheel makes me super super super uncomfortable and nervous, regardless of who's involved.

I always was with her boyfriends before, which was why I never hung out with her alone while she was around any of them, only with other people there as well, and her being with a girl now doesn't change that fact at all. It's just part of my personality that I can't explain and that hasn't changed since Middle School, and I'll probably always feel skiddish being alone around couples. That's just how I am, and I've accepted it.

However, when I told her, she seemed to understand, but still seemed to approach it from a 'So, how can we fix this aspect of you?' angle instead of just accepting it. But at least I told her, that was what I had to do, and I felt a little better about it after I got it off my chest. Also, she said, sort of unsympathetically, that she hadn't meant to make me feel that way, and apologized (sort of half-heartedly). I still don't think she really gets why I was upset, but there. It's done now at least.

I'm just......really tired of this. I don't know if it was a combination of what happened on my birthday with the realization that she walks all over me, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. Again, this is really bad timing, and I'm torn because I don't want her thinking that I'm distancing myself from her because of her new relationship. And I can imagine she's probably going through a lot emotionally right now, because of these new changes.

But on the other hand, I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of trying to be there for someone who is never there for me. Tired of being ignored for weeks at a time. I call her my best friend, but is she? Is she really? Because I can count on one hand more people I'm closer to right now than her.

I think it just happened gradually, and I'm only really starting to notice it now. As of late, I feel like I can't talk to her like I used to, because we have nothing in common anymore. We used to talk about reading and books and movies and manga and concerts and boys.
She doesn't read at all anymore. She doesn't like movie marathon nights and sleepovers anymore. She just wants to party and get drunk and go to bars all the time when she's not working. She hates 'anything asian', as she calls it; she used to watch anime and read manga with me all the time, and now she has this prejudice attitude towards anything remotely from Asia, even says she doesn't like Asian people which....doesn't fly with me for many reasons. (One being that Asian pop culture is like...my whole life basically? And another being that saying you don't like an entire race of people is entirely ignorant and borderline racist and completely not okay to say at all.) We don't even like the same music anymore.

By the way, did I mention Holly is 25 and has a 3 year old? Oh. Yeah. I left that important fact out. She's a mom. And Rose is completely gung-ho about becoming a step-mother figure already. At age 19. She already spends all of her time with this kid, and they're all basically a family already. Which is something else I can't really relate to.

I mean, if she's happy, that's good. I'm glad she's happy. But at this point it's like....it's like we're not even at the same point of our lives anymore. And I've hung out with her four times in the past six months. I just...don't even know who she is anymore.

We're still friends. Of course we're still friends. We've known each other since we were 4 years old. We'll probably always be friends.

But best friends? ...............................No. I have to be realistic about this. We're not best friends. Not right now. Maybe we will again someday, but not now. Maybe not for a while.

I know this happens. I'm mature enough to realize that people grow apart after High School. It happens to everybody. It's not this huge disaster, it's just a part of growing up. Plus, considering all the time we spent together in High School, and in Middle School before that, and in Elementary School before that, it's just time. I think it was only a matter of time before we'd start to grow apart, and it just so happens to be now. But I think this will be good for me.

Because to be perfectly honest, she was a huge part of my childhood. And I'll cherish the memories that we have already had, and they're wonderful memories. But it's time for me to grow up now.

I need to learn about who I am without her. I need to make new friends that I didn't grow up with. I need to find out who I am. And maybe that will be without her for a while.

And that's okay.

We'll probably still hang out every once in a while like it is now, but the other day I was thinking about this. I realized how all throughout online school I basically...relied on her to have a life outside of schoolwork. Whether I left the house or not, whether I did fun things or not, where all dependent on her. I basically revolved my whole life around whether she was free or not.

Do you realize how sad that is? No wonder I was practically miserable all the time.

SO, yes. Growing apart. But it's natural. And to honest...it's needed. And now it'll give me room to find other friends, and people that will actually be there for me as much as I'm there for them.

It's scary making new friends at my age, lmao. Now it's much more beyond just asking someone to push you on the swingset or sharing your chips with them at lunch. But I can do it. Life goes on after High School, you know.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: age, anniversary, best friend rose, birthday, friend issues, growing up, jazz, rose

...time for another...

BULLETPOINT ENTRY!!!!!

• Kay. First things first: BFR's birthday. It wasn't nearly as awkward as I'd anticipated, and honestly I think that sometimes things are so much more awkward in my imagination then they actually are. (I need a label for my mind that reads: WARNING - Objects in the future may be less terrifying then they appear. trolol *bricked*) Jerry is much nicer than I remembered, although we did have some awkward moments, though that's just because we've never been particularly in the same circles before and basically barely know each other. But other than that, it was a fun time. And the restaurant was really fun and had great food, I really don't know what the hell I was talking about before. Maybe I was confusing it with a different place? Hahaha. It was about 60 miles away from our city, but I rode in Jerry's car with Rose up there, and it was pretty fun, aside from Siri giving us the wrong directions about 3 times and getting us lost a little (although Jerry's car has a broken window in the back that won't close, and me being me I sat in the seat right next to it. Afterwards my hair looked like Ke$ha's after going through a tornado.). After dinner, Rosie jokingly suggested we go clubbing in one of the high-end inner city clubs, and I imagine that because of the look of horror on my face was so obvious that she didn't even bother bringing it up again, haha. I feel kind of bad about that, but honestly? Me in the club? In my long, bohemian maxi dress and my 14-year-old-esque face with my 11-year-old-stature? No way I'd be let in. No freaking way. And plus even if I was let in, I'd probably have a mental breakdown, or get eaten alive by regular club goers. Gulp.
• Due to some pretty intense persuasion (along with some may-or-may-not-be-rhetorical threats) from Best Friend Rose, she convinced me to reactivate my Facebook. Sigh. Yup. Well, what can I say? I lasted 10 months without a Facebook. I lasted more than some people, at least. But I decided that I shouldn't have to suffer and therefore decided on impulse to delete more than 200 people off of my friends list, only leaving people that I actually talk to, really like, appreciate, and family members. It was like freeing myself from shackles. I only have 44 friends now, but considering they're all people I love having in my life, that's all I need.
• Speaking of friends, Jazz is sort of getting on my nerves again. It's not at the point where I don't want to be her friend (you know, like all that drama last time) but it's just little things lately. Like how she's spending every waking hour with her boyfriend and honestly never stops talking about him. Ever. Which I find annoying, regardless of who it is. And I'm not just nit picking here. A few weeks ago, she decided to introduce him to my parents. So unannounced, she randomly shows up at my house with him. Yup. Just strolls on in with her bf to introduce him to MY PARENTS. Don't get me wrong, he is a cool dude, and I like him, but COME ON. And not only that, but a week ago, she brought him over again to try to sell me and my parents this vacation club membership--Which, not gonna lie here. That kinda pissed me off. Because if she had any idea of the kind of summer I had, she would realize that my family doesn't even have the money right now to send me community college (but more on that in a minute). We're still recovering finances from moving last month, so much so that we're currently living paycheck to paycheck. Where the hell would we get the money to blow on vacations?? My family has been in debt for the last decade or so, and I haven't been on a vacation since I was 7. I get her intent was good, and I get that she's just doing what the job requires (she works for this vacation company), but I just think it was a little inconsiderate. Anyway, that's that. Perhaps a tiny break from Jazz will do us some good for now.
• Last week was particularly hellish, and I'll write a separate entry for it because holy wow. Not to worry though, things are much much better now because:
• IMPORTANT THINGS COMING UP: Ballet lessons. AND POSSIBLY A JOB. And then college in the spring.
• We found this great little dance studio that only has lessons for $48 bucks a month, so we're currently scraping together money for my first month and my dance gear. But we're signing me up this weekend, and then it's official. I'll officially be taking ballet lessons. First lesson is next Friday. SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA. 
• AND AND AND. This Friday, I have my first job interview ever. EVER. It's for the pet store that's in the shopping center literally right behind our house, and they sell organic pet food and offer pet grooming. You guys have no idea how excited I am to work at this place. A few weeks ago, almost a month ago in fact, I'd walked in and asked if they were hiring. The owner told me that they weren't at the moment, but handed me a business card and told me to email her my resume and she'd contact me if there was an opening. I emailed it to her, and literally a few days ago, she emailed me back telling me they may have an opening and asked if I could come in for an interview! SO, we scheduled my interview for this Friday at 3:00pm. Guys. GUYS. I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW. A. JOB. INTERVIEW. ME. GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NECESSARY INCESSANT EXCLAMATION POINTS AND CAPSLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
• So I've definitely 100% decided on starting college in the Spring instead of this month, if that wasn't obvious, considering I haven't even written about school and August is nearly over, haha. But do to financial reasons, and also personal reasons, I decided it would be best to start in Spring 2013. Which  gives me the break I had somewhat originally intended myself to have in the first place. It gives my family more time to get together the funds necessary for school, and I'll have some experience with a job before starting school. I think it'll be a great experience for me this way. I have to say, though, it's so weird seeing all the back-to-school commericals and thinking they apply to me...then realizing they don't. At least not right now. This is the first time in 12+ years that I haven't had to start school in August. Not gonna lie, it's pretty awesome. And I'd better not forget how awesome it feels, because I won't experience this again until I finish college, lol.

Labels: ballet, best friend rose, bulletpoint entry, jazz, summer, updates, work

Wow, internet. Where to begin?

This'll be another long one, so bear with me guys.

By the way, yes. It's me. Just me. Don't worry, I won't be writing anymore articles on here, it's just that I felt like I really had to write that, to maybe help those out there starting online school that are as totally clueless like I had been. I know I would have loved any sort of advice, or reassurance, about it.

ANYWAY. Wow. I can't believe it's taken me over a week to write this.

Tbh I think that up until now I was still so freaked out and dazed about everything, and I don't think I would have been able to collect my thoughts adequately enough. I'm still a little dazed about it, though. Sometimes when I think back on it, it just feels like a dream, sometimes vivid, sometimes fuzzier. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

So. June 14th, 2012. I type it out like that because I don't think I'll forget this day for a long, long time.

The day started out oddly. I remember specifically waking up and just being cranky. This generally happens when I go to bed in the wee hours of the early morning, which I'm sure I did, because summertime and all. Even if I go to bed at like 4 but sleep until like 11 or 12, I'm still horribly cranky. I'm not sure why, but there ya go.

So, I wake up at like 12ish, I'm pissy, and maybe 15 minutes after that, my mom knocks on my door. When I answer, 'Yeah?' I'm sitting up in bed, literally still waking up and in my pajamas. And my mom, says in a loud whisper, "Jazz is here."

Now, this bewilders me. Not only because to me, it's still the morning, but also because the last time I saw Jazz, it was at her graduation.

Let me tell you, it was weird going to my old school's graduation. I think that was my final realization that it really was my old school. I looked at that graduating class, saw some kids that I'd know since I was four or five years old, and realized that I wasn't graduating with them.
Up until then, I'd always called it 'my old school' and acknowledged that it was something not in my life anymore, but I think a small part of me (even if it was the most microscopic of the microscopic) still actually believed that I still belonged there. I mean, the friends I met there are basically still my social circle. And like I said, some of those people I've known since I was a really tiny person, like Best Friend Rose, so it's almost as if...as if I've never known anything else. My whole life growing up was that school.


For public schools, it's different. You go to a public elementary school for 5-6 years (if you don't switch schools all the time), and then you leave. And then you go to a public middle school for 3 years, and again, if you don't switch schools, you go to school with those people for 3 years. And then you leave. And then same goes for the 4 years of high school. But for me, from when I was 4 years old to when I left at 16, that place...was my entire childhood. 
And I think I'd had such a hard time letting go of that place because it was like letting go of my childhood, and letting go of all the memories I'd had there. My life revolved around that place for so long that part of me still felt attached.

But when I saw my fellow classmates graduate, it's like that door finally closed. Seeing that they were all graduating, all the kids I grew up with, and moving on from that school, I could finally let go. It's like the attachment that I had to that place has released.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I thought if there was any graduation I cried rivers at (besides my own, lol) it would be Best Friend Rosie's and Jazz's and all my old classmates. But I didn't. Not at all. Not even afterwards. Instead I almost just felt this...relief. It sounds awful, I know. And hell, I didn't even go there anymore, so it shouldn't have mattered anyway. But I was relieved, and I didn't know if it was more for me or for them. But one thing I know I was relieved about was this: although there were the select few kids still going there that I'd gone to elementary school with, the rest, I couldn't wait to never see them again. Which is normal to feel, I'm sure. Because as much as I'd liked some of the people that went there, others I couldn't wait to get away from. Adios, bitches. See you at the 20 year reunion.

ANYWAY, THAT WASN'T EVEN MY POINT. June 14th, right. Lol. Sorry!

My point was that when I saw Jazz at her graduation, it was...awkward at best. Considering before that, the last time we talked was before my birthday, which I was kinda upset about because she had not even wished me a happy birthday. Not once. Not even a birthday text. So that whole time we hadn't talked, even though I'd tried to text her. I thought I'd done something to piss her off, BUT, as it turned out, she'd been texting my old number for the whole two months we hadn't talked, and though that I was mad at her. Purely a mis-communication.

So, after mom told me to hurry up and get ready because I had a guest downstairs, she shut the door and left me to scurry around my room, flustered and confused because I hate it when people show up unannounced and I was also still trying to remember my own name. Eventually I figured out how to put some sweats on and I ventured downstairs, a bit wary. When I came into the living room, though, immediately Jazz explained to me what happened with the texting thing, also adding that she'd dropped her phone in the toilet and lost half of her contact information, which explains why she was texting my old number.

So after that I was less wary, but still cranky, which is why when Jazz asked if I wanted to go out for lunch, I almost immediately turned it down. Jazz asked why not, and I really couldn't come up with more of an excuse other than 'because I just woke up' and 'because I look like crap'. Jazz countered all of my excuses, and then my mom joined in, making it two against one and clearly I lost.

I went upstairs to shower after that, put together the cutest outfit I could for the weather (it was blazing hot, but I hadn't shaved my legs, haha. So white jeans it was!) and put my wet hair in a ponytail and put mascara on and sucked it up as we left the house and got into Jazz's car.

I was still pretty prickly as we drove away, but then as we talked and as we pulled into the Panda Express parking lot, I was feeling a little brighter. We walked into the restaurant (and this random guy said hi to us from his car for some reason, idk.) and got some food, and then I was in a much better mood.

We talked about a lot of stuff, basically just catching up on everything we'd missed the past few months, and when she asked how I'd been doing, I decided to just be honest and come clean about everything I'd been feeling and going through the past few months, and I mean everything. Like everything I've been whining about on here for months, lol. And then out of nowhere, we started talking about Rosie, and for some reason I started crying. In the middle of Panda Express. Yeah. Super embarrassing. But Jazz just sat patiently and understandingly, not embarrassed in the slightest. (But what we talked about, I'll save for another entry.)

So after I thoroughly embarrassed myself, and hardly ate any of my food, I got a takeaway box and we decided to go head to the bookstore to look around. After getting in the car, though, Jazz asked if I liked eclairs. I told her I had never had one, and she asked if I wanted to go by the bakery and try one. (But secretly, I know this is mostly just a ploy to get me to meet her boyfriend. I've seen her so little lately, he hasn't even come up on here, but they've been dating for a few months now. Online school kid like me, and he had gone to my old school before switching to online school. But I'd never actually met him before, since he went to my old school after I'd already left. She's been wanting me to meet him for a good while now, so I pretty much saw this coming, haha.) So I say sure, because who in their right mind would turn down a fresh pastry? NOT THIS GIRL.

So we head over to this place, and it's a cute little locally owned Dutch bakery, and as soon as you walk in you're greeted by 3 little table and chair sets and the smell of baking sweets. Super cute. And then while we're waiting while a couple ahead of us orders what they want, Jazz and I looked at everything they have. There's the desserts, of course, but then they have a bunch of Dutch and German candy and snacks, too. Did I mention I want to go back there? Because I do. Badly.

Then a guy who I assume to be her boyfriend, Dan*, comes out, and she greets him cheerfully. They exchange some cute couple-y banter, and then Jazz introduces us. He was slightly reserved, and tall, but seems very nice. It's not hard to see why Jazz would like this guy so much.

After all that, Jazz asks for an eclair, and I actually go for the tiramasu. (I know I know, I copped out. But I LOVE TIRAMASU.) Then I also get two candy necklaces, because they're fifty cents each. I pay for both of our stuff, and after taking to Dan some more, we eat our desserts. My tiramasu was made in heaven and then fell through the clouds and down to Earth. I swear. That stuff was unearthly. And when Jazz couldn't finish the last bite of her eclair, I ate it, and it was pretty dang good too. (A little bit too rich for my taste, though. But still good.)

So after finishing, and saying bye to Dan, we head over to Barnes and Noble. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for my wallet, I'd spent all of my money at the bakery (though to be fair I didn't have that much on me in the first place), so I couldn't buy anything while we were there. Because, hoo boy. Trust me. Did I want to buy things. I haven't been to the bookstore since my birthday (Yes! You heard right! Since my birthday. Don't know how I've survived this long tbh.) and I've accumulated quite a long 'to buy' book list. I almost had to physically restrain myself from stuffing books down my shirt and making a run for the doors, lol.

While we were there, my dad called to ask me what I wanted for dinner from the place that my mom and dad were eating for their anniversary (yeah, incidentally this was their anniversary, too. 31st anniversary. My heroes.) and I told him as quietly as I could because people were glaring at me because apparently answering phone calls in Barnes and Noble is against the law. So yeah, they'd order for me and just bring it home in a box for me. Outback Steakhouse. (It was delicious, btw.)

So when we were done at Barnes and Noble, and Jazz got a Father's Day gift for her dad, as well as a book I've been wanting for a good while (which I told her that she HAD to let me borrow asap!). And then we got back in the car, getting ready to head back to Jazz's house, where my parents would pick me up.

I remember the drive back to her house very vividly. As we were leaving the Barnes and Noble parking lot, I very specifically remember saying, "This was a nice day, wasn't it? This was fun." and then Jazz agreeing with me enthusiastically, and then we both agreed to do it more often. A few songs came on the radio that we liked, and we turned it up louder and obnoxiously sang along, and as we sang it began to rain, and we pointed out each raindrop as it fell on the windshield, because we're 10 year olds.

Then.

We were driving down a very busy main road, and it was oddly backed up for a good while. We wondered why until we saw a few police cars and an ambulance stopped by a stalled car. I also remember Jazz very specifically saying, "Do you think they hit a pedestrian?" while we gazed out the windows at it.

"I don't know," I said, staring. I couldn't see anyone hurt.

"That's what it looks like to me," said Jazz. "Like they hit a pedestrian."

Maybe 2 minutes later, it happened. We were literally 3 minutes from Jazz house, but still on the main road. Cars were still backed up, so we were going slightly slower than usual, and Jazz decides to get into the turning lane. We're going normal speed now, maybe 5 to 6 mph under the speed limit.

In not even two blinks, it happens.

For a split second I see this man darting through the cars in the lane next to ours. And then he LEAPS IN FRONT OF OUR CAR.

It seriously happens before I can process what's happening, and even when I think on it now, I only remember certain details.

I remember Jazz slamming on the breaks, but the immediate thought in my mind that we were going too fast and we wouldn't stop fast enough to avoid him.

I remember covering my eyes with my hands because I knew it wasn't going to turn out well.

I remember hearing him hit the car and crashing into the windshield, and the deafening sound of breaking glass.

I remember Jazz screaming loudly and then hearing myself screaming too, although I don't remember even stopping to think to scream. It's like it just tore out of me automatically, as a basic primal response, because I've literally never been so scared in my life and for a few seconds I genuinely thought, "What if I die right now?"

It was all over in a few seconds, but it felt like hours. For a moment or two Jazz and I just sat there going, "Oh my god, oh my god."

Then Jazz shouts, "Is he okay??"

And I shake my head and somehow say, "Go check, go check!" And I say somehow because at that moment I was in a huge daze, and I don't even know how I managed to formulate that response.

So Jazz jumps from her seat and throws the door open and then spins around and yells, "Call 911!" And it takes me a second to realize that she's talking to me, because I've never been in a situation where I've had to call 911 before. So after she gets out, I just sit there for another few moments before realizing that I need to take out my phone now and call 911.

I rummage through my purse for a good thirty seconds, almost panicking that I'd somehow lost my phone between then and Barnes and Noble, but I find it and then curse under my breath when I realize that the battery is low. I unlock the screen and stare at it some more, forgetting how it works all of a sudden, and then I remember and figure out how to dial the numbers with shaking hands. Then I forget to hit the talk button after dialing. And then I realize I've been sitting in the car this whole time, and I'm suddenly scared shitless of this car and I jump out of it and slam the door, almost not remembering to stay away from the traffic speeding by mere feet away from the car door.

(After telling my parents about this later, my mom tells me I was in shock, but I really just felt like an idiot. We hit a man with our car, for all I knew his life DEPENDED on me, and I couldn't remember how to use my phone to call 911.)

I walk to the other side of the car where I see Jazz knelt next to the man, who's laying down on the concrete median and bleeding from his head, and there are at least five or six other people there gathered around them both looking concerned. There was also other people stopped in their cars and looking on gape-mouthed in the lane next to ours and on the other side of the median. I briefly notice other random details--one of the guy's shoes right in front of me on the ground, along with his broken sunglasses, his other shoe a good fifteen feet away, and a chunk of his long hair stuck on the jagged edges of the windshield.

Meanwhile I was still trying to figure out how my phone worked. Eventually I successfully dialed it, and it was ringing, but by now there were 3 other people around me, including Jazz, that were on the line with operators already, and the line just kept ringing and ringing and because I wasn't in my right mind I got frustrated and hung up before anybody answered. Not smart, I know. Because in the following hour they kept trying to call me back, but I ignored all their calls. Also stupid. But I felt so worthless at that moment because it had taken me so long and Jazz was counting on me and I'd failed. And I also had the irrational fear that when they did pick up, I would have no clue what to say, because I couldn't think straight. Still pretty disappointed in myself for this, honestly. But I was just so freaked out.

So everyone was standing around the guy and he was groaning in pain(we found out later that he's my age, 19 years old), and there were two men, one in an Air Force uniform and one in a dress shirt and pants (business man?) stabilizing him and talking to him until the paramedics got there. Among the others there was a woman, and younger boy, maybe 13 or so, that looked like her son, and then another man that I can't even remember the face of. Again, they were all gathered around him, along with Jazz, and I was literally standing six feet away with my hands covering my mouth, frozen.

I swear I didn't do this on purpose, or consciously, it was just like I couldn't even make myself move. Adrenaline was still rushing through me and my heart was pounding and I was so scared. For him, for what just happened, and in general. I don't think I've been this scared in my life.

Police came much quicker than I'd expected, but they had literally been just yards away at the other accident, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. Then after the police came, the firemen and ambulance came all at once, only I don't even remember hearing their sirens coming, it was like they just appeared. I think it was around this time when it finally hit me and Jazz, because Jazz started to freak out. Up until then, she'd been surprisingly calm and collected and had handled it really well, but then she started to cry and hyperventilate. All I could do was try to soothe her and give her lots of hugs, and actually the other people there were trying to comfort her too, all telling her there was no way she could have seen him, even though they were complete strangers.

I told her I'd call her dad for her because she couldn't bring herself to do it, and suddenly I could remember how to use my phone again, and I was the calm one. It took a few numbers, but I got a hold of him and told him in the calmest voice I could manage that we'd been in an accident and that the other person was hurt, but we were both home. Thankfully, he was home at the time, and it took him five minutes to get there. After he got there and began comforting Jazz, I called my dad, and told him that me and Jazz would be a little late getting to her house because something happened, but that we were both okay and not to worry.

I didn't tell him right off the bat that I'd been in an accident because I know them so well and I KNOW they would have been worried sick and would have dropped everything to get to me, anniversary or not, but I would have felt awful for scaring them like that, especially after such a nice anniversary dinner. I figured it would just be better to tell them in person so that they could see that I was fine, that Jazz was fine, and that everything was okay. (They thanked me for this later, because my dad said, as I'd predicted, that they would have really freaked out if I told them over the phone.)

Everything else after that happened in a blur. The paramedics took the guy away in an ambulance, and then most of the other people left except for the mother and her son. (I wish I'd gotten the chance to thank the others, though, they were so nice to us.) A very handsome fireman asked us some questions (not even exaggerating. He looked like a model posing in a firemen costume in a calendar, not like an actual fireman.), and then a policeman asked us some questions after that. Another few firemen took Jazz's blood pressure, and then Jazz's brother and his wife showed up. After that, we filled out some forms, and the policeman took some measurements of the scene, and the firemen left while waving at us. Then the mom and her son left after  filling out witness forms, giving us both kind words of encouragement. And then it was all over, and then we left to Jazz's house.

Me and Jazz and Jazz's sister in law all rode in Jazz's dad's car, while her brother drove her car. Needless to say, when my parents saw Jazz's car drive up with a shattered windshield, they were shocked, but I explained everything right away so they didn't have time to freak out.

Since then, we've found out that the guy we hit is fine. Just got a deep cut on the back of his head and some bruises on his legs, which is actually a miracle, because he could be dead right now. I'm still amazed at this. It could have been so much worse. As soon as we'd hit him, I was sure he'd be dead, but he isn't, and with no broken bones to top it all off. You don't see that everyday, and I'm really so glad he's okay. (Also, weird fact--this guy named Brad* that Jazz and I went to school with and were in a band with very briefly, he has his own band now, and this kid--this kid that we hit--is the bassist in his band. I KNOW. What are the odds? Small world, really small world.)

Looking back, I still can't believe it happened. It was probably the scariest thing that I've ever been though. But, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad I went through it. Because that was first ever car accident, and it was Jazz's first car accident since getting her license. And I'm glad we were there for each other for this.

You know, before this day, I was unsure about where our friendship was going, and I was positive that we'd never be as close as we were before. But after June 14th, I'm sure of it: we'll be friends for life. I think this day was a sign that of that, and this whole thing made us even closer than before.

Also in a weird sort of way, I think it was fate. It sounds crazy, I know, but I mean, think about it. What if we had stayed in Barnes and Noble longer? What if we'd never gone to the bakery? What if we'd just stopped at Panda Express and then I went back home? Where would our friendship be? Would it be exactly like it had been before all of this happened?

Maybe it was a coincidence, but it was just the coincidence that our friendship needed. Despite all the crap we'd gone through our senior year, I for sure know it now: Jazz and I are meant to be friends.

And this is going to sound so screwed up and weird, so let me try and say this in the best way possible: Even this accident was awful, and I'll probably never see a pedestrian run across a busy street again without freaking out, also in a way, I'm glad it happened. Because it was my reality check.

For me it was just another reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how quickly it can change, and why that's why I can't live my life waiting around anymore. (A.k.a., the past three school years.) If I sit around waiting for things to happen, I end up sitting around and wasting my time, time I could have used doing something great. This sounds dramatic, but I've had to consider this: What if that accident had been much worse? What if everyone involved had been seriously injured, or worse? We're lucky that Jazz and I weren't, not to mention there was not a scratch on us. And even luckier that the guy wasn't seriously injured, or even dead.

It's a privilege for all of us to be alive right now. If I had gone having lived my life they way it's been......

I can't even finish that sentence. The thought itself horrifies me.

No more waiting.


No more being afraid to try.


No more living in my room day after day. 


I'm so tired of this. It's time to change. It's time to live.

For a few days after this had happened, I was still freaked out, and I was super sore, so I took it easy for a few days and got my rest. But now I'm okay.
I was mostly concerned about Jazz, considering she was the one driving, and considering her past and all (for  the record, her mom died in a car accident when she was 11) I was worried about how she'd take it, and for a while she was pretty upset, but I think she's doing all right, now. As far as I know, anyway. But I'm still worried, not gonna lie. Jazz tends to bottle things up when something's bothering her, so maybe I'll see when I see her in person next.

In the meantime, it's taking smaller steps to change for me. We found a great house, and it looks like that's the one we'll be moving to. We need to be out of this house by next Sunday, so this'll be the last week in this house. I'm excited about the new house, but I'm also still pretty sad about leaving this one.

I just need to cherish my last days in this house as best I can.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: jazz, life, scary stuff, summer

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