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Hey Internatz. Guess what I didn't go to tonight?

That's right. Homecoming.

Due to a chain of unfortunate timing and planning, I was unable to get a ticket, therefore not being able to go. (I spent a good few days pissed off at Best Friend Rose for it, but by now I've gotten over it.) Kinda disappointed, but today I got a shopping trip, pizza dinner and a family movie night to make up for it. Beats spending a night with my best friend and 200 something other people that I barely know or sorta like. And I hadn't gotten a new dress this year, anyway.

It's been an interesting few days. For one, you know that letter to Jazz from last entry? Well...here's the thing. I sent it to her.

Mind you, I only sent it after sitting down and editing it to sound generously less...angry. And accusing. Because I know that problems never get solved when both sides or one side is spewing angry accusations. But I still kept the main idea, still kept enough so that I felt like I was getting my point across.

It started off with me asking if I could be honest (hence the 'Can I be honest?'), her saying "yes?", and me telling her I've been avoiding her, because I was upset with her. And when she asked why, I told her there was so much that I didn't even know where to begin (just like in the original letter). And she said, 'How about the beginning? I seriously had no idea'.

And I sent the whole rest in a Facebook message, just to get it out there and done with, so she could know all at once.

I'm sure this overwhelmed her, but I'm just glad that she knows everything now. It feels like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, because this whole schpeal had been nagging at me for months now. I'm just glad it's out there now, it's a relief.

After a whole day after I'd sent the whole thing, I still had no reply. I admit, it was making me anxious. So I said, "...So? Do you have anything to say?" I felt like she was writing off my personal feelings as attacks and was ignoring it. Plus, Rosie told me that Jazz had actually talked to her about it, saying that 'it had come out of nowhere' and that 'she didn't even know what to say'.

Admittedly it was pretty out of nowhere, but it annoyed me that she hadn't even bothered to reply. And on top of that, Jazz told Rosie directly that 'she never talked about her behind her back' and that she 'totally loves her', therefore making me the bad guy who's apparently making shit up, which made me even more angry.

So anyhow, after I sent that, today I got a reply from her back, saying: 'nope. I need process time.'

Which I somewhat get, because it could probably be a lot to process when she thought everything was peachy keen. But I just wish she'd talk this out with me now, just so we could work it out and everything would be okay again.

I know it seems hasty of me, but I really do hate conflict. It makes this huge knot in my stomach, makes me queasy. I hate it.

And as much as I needed to tell her all of this, I just want us to be close again. I didn't want this huge confrontation, but I just want us to be comfortable again. That's all I want.

So I told her, "Okay. Just let me know when you're ready to talk."

And I hate thinking about how it might be awhile until she can talk to me. I don't want it to take awhile. But I realize that it might. And if that's what it takes to fix our friendship again, then I'm okay with that. I just want my best friend back.

In the meantime, I'll stay away from Facebook (as I've done a lot lately, contemplating deleting it, actually. Cannot stand it these days, I swear. More than half of those people in my Friends List I haven't talked to for three or more years anyway) and I'll focus on school. Especially AP, which has been whooping my ass lately (curse you, Homer! And The Odyssey in general!).

This'll be sorted out soon. I just have to give it time and patience.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: jazz, senior year

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