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Letter to Jazz. (Secret #6.)}

Wednesday, October 12, 2011 | 3:54 PM | 2 comment

Hey Jazz, can I be honest?

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’ve been avoiding you. Because I’m kind of upset with you, actually.

There are so many things that have gone on the past few months that have stacked up, that I don’t even know where to begin.

Here's one. I don’t appreciate the way you talk to me. It really bothers me when you say things like, ‘let’s get you out of the house’ and ‘we need to get you out dude’. I know we used to joke about that during sophomore year, and back then it was funny, but now it’s not. Now I find it pretty patronizing, to be honest. I used to joke like that during sophomore year because it was true and I was still getting used to online school, but I’m happy now. Maybe if you talked to me more often, you’d know that it’s different now.

I’ve learned how to balance my school and everything else, and I live normally, not like some hermit you sometimes make me out to be. I’m perfectly fine with the way my life is now, and you should accept that.

I know it might not make sense to you because you’re always busy with stuff for school and hanging out with people and stuff, but that’s what makes you happy. Not me. You’ve got to understand that I’ve grown to love my life the way it is, along with my everyday school life and being inside my own skin, and when I hear you say things like that to me or about me it really offends me.

Honestly, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and I don’t appreciate being treated like a socially retarded 12 year old. I’m happy hanging out with you, at least I used to be. But I hate it when you say things like that. I want you to want to hang out with me because you want to, not because you feel like you owe me a field trip out of the house. That makes me feel like your obligation, not your friend.

I also don’t appreciate the way you talk about Best Friend Rose around me. I really haven’t said this until now, I know, but I just need to say it. I get that you don’t like her, and even though I have no idea why you don’t, I’ll leave it at that. But don’t talk crap about her around me. Please. She’s my best friend, didn’t you realize that it would bother me? I know you think she’s this awful person, but try to understand. I’ve been best friends with her for almost 14 years now. Since preschool. And while you’re my friend too, I really can’t stand it when you talk about her to me like she’s this mustache twirling villain. I get that you don’t like her. But that’s your business. Don’t involve me in it. Plain and simple. And for the record? Best Friend Rose had no problems whatsoever with you before, and I know you find that hard to believe, but she didn't. She really liked you. And I would've known if she had felt otherwise, because she tells me everything. Now the only problem she has with you is the way you've been treating me. Just so you know.

Something else that’s been bothering me happened a long time ago, and I should’ve said something about it then, but I didn’t. Remember the day before New Year’s Eve, when you spent the night, and there was that huge blizzard? You had been invited to a New Year’s party at someone else’s house, but you were worried about driving in the storm, so I offered that you could just stay another night if you really were concerned about driving all the way across town in the snow.

We entertained the idea, so much to the point where I was under the impression that you really were going to stay for New Year’s Eve, and I was excited. I was really happy because I never really get to do fun things for New Year’s, considering my parents never stay up until midnight on New Year’s and Rosie was on a trip, just like she had the year before, so we couldn’t do anything together either. So after we started talking about the stuff we could do until midnight, maybe a half an hour passed.

And then you left.

No apology, no excuses, you just left. And pretty quickly, too. Jazz, I would have completely understood if you just wanted to leave and go to that party, which I’m sure you did. But you could have at least told me to my face. I’m a big girl. I would have understood.

Even if you had said, “Sorry, I have to go to this party, bye!” it would have been much better. But you entertained the idea of staying over, and even got excited with me. It would have been much easier to handle if you hadn’t humored me like you really wanted to stay, just to leave hurriedly a half an hour later.

Nobody’s ever done that to me before. It really hurt my feelings. I was honestly so hurt that I cried. I thought that maybe I’d get to be with one of my closest friends for New Year’s, and that I wouldn’t have to be by myself, sitting in my room, watching the ball drop on TV, but I was. I was alone on New Year's Eve, and I cried myself to sleep.

And it felt like maybe I only had one best friend, not two.

And the time I told you that I was very serious about taking writing seriously, and I even wanted to get published? You were doubtful. I could see it in your eyes that you really didn't believe that I could get published, that I was good enough to be published. And honestly? I know that. Of course I know that. But I was telling you expecting to get some support, knowing that I'll get skepticism and doubt from everyone else, but the least I was expecting was to get it from you.

You know, these days it just really feels like you don’t give two craps about me anymore. You used to let me know what was going on in your life, talk to me about stuff that was bothering you. We used to talk for hours, and I liked that. And I used to talk about my stuff with you and I felt like you cared, but lately I don’t. Even when I told you about Drew the last time you slept over, I thought maybe you’d be happy for me for having my first date ever. Or that maybe you’d be more sympathetic when I told you that it didn’t work out. But it didn’t seem like you cared at all. You seemed kind of bored listening to my problems, actually.

It looked like you would have rather left with Nate* and (the other)Sarah to go do whatever, instead of hanging out with me and actually talking with me for the first time in 8 months. I guess maybe I'm too boring for you now.

The thing that gets me the most is that you slowly drifted away from me, and I get the feeling that it's mostly because I don't go to your school anymore. And that's the exact thing that we both promised wouldn't happen.
To sum it all up, I just don’t even feel like I’m your friend anymore. And that really makes me sad, but I just don't feel like you care either way. And that makes me even sadder.

Your Ex-Best Friend Who Has Apparently Already Been Forgotten,

Sarah

(xo Hopeless Romantic)

Labels: jazz, letters, life, secrets

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."

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