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College? Oh, yeah...that.}

Friday, October 7, 2011 | 5:59 PM | 3 comment

This week was a bit of a rollercoaster, Internet.

First off, being a Senior, as you can imagine I've been getting an influx of brochures and letters from colleges, and ones from all over the place. At first it was only a few, and now it's at least 3 or 4 different ones a week.

And not only that, but I've also been needled and prodded by my parents for the past few months too, understandably. After all, they are paying for it. But I suppose I wasn't quite prepared for all of it at once.

College has been something I've been stressing about since the end of Junior year. I keep thinking over and over about how I would handle living in dorms, going from just myself in my little schoolroom to literally thousands of other students around me at once, and college life in general. Every time I'd get a new college brochure, I would bite back a grimace and these thoughts would arise again.

But I hadn't said anything about it to really anybody, I'd just kept it inside with everything else.

Until this Monday.

That day, I had just finally finished going over what I'd write for my Oedipus Rex essay. It was one that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself for, considering it was my first official essay for my AP class. And it didn't help that I've had ginormous writer's block for the past month and a half. Along with that, I'd been thinking a lot about the whole Jazz thing (I'll make a separate entry for this, promise) and that's been weighing heavy on me. And ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I had literally gotten no sleep the night before thanks to my period cramps, of which I was on the third day of (which, I've learned from the past, is my most moody day).

All of these together do not a happy Sarah make.

So I'd basically woken up early, eaten breakfast, and sat down to work, perfectly okay. (Well not 'perfectly', but certainly okay compared to how I ended up later.) Getting two lessons done and out of the way pretty sufficiently, I decide to listen to some music while I write my essay, since I always do my best writing when I listen to music.

So I go to my favorite music streaming site and lo and behold, I start playing Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. When I get in my writing mood, I get very serious and even emotional. And Set Fire to the Rain made me flat-out cry the first time I heard it.

Listening to the (amazingly written, emotionally sang) lyrics of this song, I start thinking about love and relationships. (Sound familiar?)

And I think to myself, 'god, if something like love is so beautiful, how can it cause someone--anyone--so much pain?'

I start thinking about everything that can go wrong in relationships. Someone cheats, someone falls out of love, both fall out of love, someone dies. And I just think, why the hell would someone put themselves through that kind of misery?

Sure, everyone says there's always good with the bad, that it's all worth it. But is it really?

So. I'm thinking about stuff like this, feeling my mood dip to ridiculous lows, while listening to this heartbreaking song on repeat. And then before I realize it, it's been an hour that I'm sitting there, just thinking about this. I stare at the clock, knowing full well that I'm wasting precious work time, but I cannot stop thinking about this. It's like my mind is stuck on it.

Soon, I go from thinking about relationships to how I've never been in one, and how much I'm beginning to detest the idea of being in one. I wonder if I'll become one of those toxic girls that break up with the guys they're with just because they're afraid of commitment, and afraid of being hurt. I wonder if I'll become one of those unmarried swingers in my 40's, still running from commitment, running and hiding from the possibility of marriage and then divorce; crying and screaming and fighting with the one I used to love. I wonder about these women that I saw on this TV special once, ones that stayed a swinger their whole lives and into their 80's and ended up never having their own children and grandchildren all because they were afraid of being loved.

And I start to cry. Nothing hardcore, but I legitimately tear up, because that train of thoughts made me so overwhelmingly sad that I literally hurt inside.

And before I knew it, soon it had been another hour I'd sat there doing nothing. I turned Adele off, wiping the tears off my face, feeling absolutely ridiculous. I needed to do an essay, and I was sitting there crying for no reason.
So I straightened up. And I stared at that blank white Word document for at least fifteen minutes, trying to make words come out, staring at that short little dash waiting for my typed words, watching it blink on and off, on and off. I flipped through the pages of my copy of Oedipus Rex and stared at the ones I'd put post-its on.

And then...nothing. I could not even think of where to begin. My brain felt like melted chocolate. I was so tired my muscles felt like jelly, I was growing increasingly frustrated, and now because of my Adele-intense-thinking-session, I was sad.

And. I just started crying.

Not even the tearing up like last time, I'm talking full-on, hands covering face crying. Those tears just poured out of my eyes like they'd built up in there. And I threw down my copy of Oedipus Rex and stormed out of the room, because everything in that moment was so overwhelming that I had to get away.

I went downstairs to where my mom was, as she'd just gotten home an hour before, and I just stood there blubbering while she tried to ask me what was wrong, getting answers like "I...(hiccup)I just....(sob)....I CAN'T(sniff hic)....(sob)" And since she'd known about my lack of sleep the night before, she tried telling me to go take a nap, with which I answered "(sob) but it's too hooooot (WAIL HIC SOB)", which she then replied that I could sleep in her and dad's room, because it's infinitely cooler than my room and my office for some reason. She also told me I could take a sick day, so I could just rest for the rest of the day.

So I promptly went back upstairs to my parents' room, spread out a blanket on top of it, and proceeded to weep some more.

I was too upset to even go to sleep, even though I was exhausted, so I just laid there and cried over everything. Over love, over my stupid freaking essay, over Jazz, over college, over change, over money problems, over my self esteem, over everything.

I just basically had a meltdown of epic proportions.

After 3 hours of just laying there and crying and crying and crying my eyes out, my mom finally came in, pretty bewildered that I was still crying. And I told her about everything that was eating me up inside, because I had to tell someone, or I'd explode (or my tear ducts would rupture, whichever came first).

I told her about I felt like I couldn't write anything. I told her about how I felt at that moment like my confidence had dropped through the basement. I told her about how I'm scared of relationships. I told her how scared I was about college, because I am. And I didn't realize how terrified I was until I started sobbing even harder after I told her.

I'll be honest. I'm scared of leaving the security of my school room for learning, being surrounded by complete strangers after 1. knowing everyone at my old private school and 2. after just having to be home for school, without other people's drama and judgments. I'm scared of having a roommate and living in a dorm with communal bathrooms, meaning, my 2 hours for washing my hair alone? Gone. Goodbye long hair, goodbye privacy.

I'm scared of leaving my dog, who has epileptic seizures and means the absolute world to me, and how when I go to college, I won't see her as much, and when I finish college she'll be old, and I won't be able to play with her anymore.

I'm scared of leaving my younger cousins who I love to death, especially the youngest of them, who is almost one and a half, but who might not remember me if I'm never at home anymore.

I'm so scared of college.

I hate change. And college will be the biggest change of my life so far.

So I told my mom this. And you know what she said? "Why don't you just take some time off before college?"

Had I even thought about this possibility? No. I'd heard about kids taking a semester or year off before, but I never thought it was an option for me. All my cousins on my dad's side of the family all graduated high school with honors, all went to Ivy League universities. I just assumed this standard was expected of me, too.

But as soon as she brought it up, so easily and simply, the knot in my stomach began to loosen.

We started talking about it even more, and I realized that it's what I think is best for me. Not just because of my anxiety, but my situation in general.

Think about it. I've been homeschooled for three years now. When I'm not out with Best Friend Rose, or shopping with Mom, I'm sitting at home, due to not having a license/car or a job. And not only that, but I have pretty bad anxiety when faced with even the smallest change. Throwing me straight into not only a completely new environment, but a completely new environment with thousands of strangers, and even living with a stranger? Holy hell. I'd probably go into shock.

But if I took a year off before going to University, perhaps taking some classes at a community college, finding a part time job, and finally getting my license, the transition might be a little easier to handle when I do leave.

I don't plan on never going to University, ever. I know that I'll need to go, and the sooner I can, the better. I don't plan on waiting 20 or 30 years to go to college like some people. But I feel like this will take some pressure and stress off of me in general. My parents are completely understanding about it, and even a little relieved and proud of me that I'm making this decision for myself and not just doing something because that's the way everyone else is going.

So, that's just it, Internet. I'm going to take a break before college. How long it'll be, I haven't quite decided, but this is what is best for me. I know people won't get it, and they'll probably judge me for it, but they can just deal. It's my future career after all, not theirs.

So after me and mom talked about this, I finally stopped crying, and my face was so puffy that I looked like an elderly woman. And we talked some about Jazz, and then some about love, and then my stomach had finally settled enough that I wanted to eat dinner.

And then I went to bed early and felt loads better in the morning.

I'm telling you, Internet, that was one doozy of a day. I don't remember ever crying that hard in my recent memory, even when I was nervous about meeting Drew. But sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

The rest of the week went much better, and I finally (and successfully!!) finished my essay, but most of all I feel most satisfied about making this decision. It was an important one, and I'm glad I made it now rather than later.

In other news, no football games lately. There was supposed to be one tonight, but it was canceled. There hasn't been one for a month now, and I couldn't tell you why. Huh. But Homecoming is Oct 15, and I forsure plan on going. More on that soon!

Here's to being being more emotionally stable after breakdowns.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: college, life, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, senior year

present me past me

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."

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