♡

Gotta love crime dramas and personal progress.}

Sunday, July 11, 2010 | 4:45 PM | 1 comment

Hey, Internet. How's your summer been so far?

I can honestly say that mine has been great.
I finally finished that summer class at the end of June (I passed!) and now I finally feel like I'm on my summer vacation, like it should be.

I've been spending my days writing, reading, and watching crime dramas (I'm really into those now. I used to hate them, but now I'm addicted! Faves right now are NCIS, CSI:Miami and Criminal Minds). I've also been taking walks to the park pretty much every other day, going to the movies, going shopping with Mom, and taking driving lessons in parking lots, thanks to Dad. This is a pretty huge difference compared to my reclusive school year, and I'm very, very happy with it.

Things have been especially great since my epiphany last entry. I finally feel like I'm content with who I am, and there's truly no better feeling.

I've been hanging out with Best Friend Rose as often as I can (which isn't very often, BFR is strangely popular in comparison to me. It's quite hilarious, actually.) and Jazz has been on a trip to Europe with an international music group the past 4 weeks. She just got back yesterday, but I've been letting her get over her jet lag before we have any sleepovers or anything.

Now, I can imagine you thinking, 'So, where's the Ricky Bobby update?'

Well, here it is: nothing.

Well, okay, not nothing. But considering the amount of dread I was feeling about him two entries ago, this is pretty much nothing.

Ricky Bobby's birthday was 4 days ago. On my Facebook homepage, the notification of his birthday was up in the right-hand corner all day.

All day.

There were numerous birthday wishes on his wall, a select few from people from my old school that were courteous, but not personal, so it didn't seem like they'd talked to him in a while. And God, let me tell you, Internet, I was tempted. A lot.

BUT. There were also two other birthdays that day too, and each were people from school that I hadn't talked to in a while. So, I made a point to comment on those people's walls and wish them happy birthday, but not Ricky Bobby. And I knew he'd probably see it because he's FB friends with both.

I wanted him to. I wanted him to see that I was the one to avoid him this time, not the other way around. I wanted him to see that just because I added him as a friend on Facebook, it doesn't mean I still like him. I wanted him to see that I've moved on.

And it felt good.

I've realized that if I see him, I see him, but if I don't, then I don't. I've thought about this for a little while now.

And last night, I had this dream. I dreamed that I was somewhere, I don't remember where, but it looked like I was on a tour of some type. I was apparently there with some friends, but I got separated from them at one point, so after that, I was by myself. There were a lot of other people my age on this tour, in fact, there were all teenagers there, but I kind of kept to myself. Then, the tour group was taking a rest, and we stopped at what looked like a food court.

I sat at table, and unbeknownst to me, Rick Bobby and and a friend were sitting at the next table. I didn't notice him at first, but then I glanced in his direction and I saw him.

A wave of unease washed over me, especially seeing that his friend was a girl and they were alone. I looked away quickly, knowing that in the angle I was sitting, he would eventually see me. I didn't know what to do.
Suddenly, I felt his eyes on me, and I refused to look at him. I didn't want to look like the desperate idiot and approach him first. His friend said something I couldn't hear, and he laughed. I risked a glance at him laughing, and his green eyes crinkled just like I remember.

As casually as I could, I picked up my purse and stood, saying to myself it was to go find my friends, when really I just wanted to get away from Ricky Bobby and his date. I'd walked past his table when I heard a 'hey' from behind me. I turned, and Ricky Bobby was still sitting at his table, but he was looking at me, smiling. He was holding my cell phone out to me. I don't know how the hell it got all the way over there, but this is a dream, so who cares, right?

"You dropped this," he said, and his eyes still had this taunting way about them, the way he used to look at me, because he knew I liked him.

I walked over to him, trying to look as unshaken and uncaring as I could, and I resisted the temptation to beam back. I would not warm up to him. I owed myself this. I grinned tightly. "Thanks," I said, and reached for my phone carefully so our hands wouldn't touch, but he purposefully reached up further so that they would.

I took in a deep, shaky breath and turned to walk away, when he said, "How have you been?"

I turned awkwardly, not having expected any small talk whatsoever. "Um. I've been pretty decent. What about you?"

He looked at me for a few extra seconds before he replied, "Good." This time, his smile didn't reach his eyes.

I nodded slowly, and then glanced over at his date, whom I was guessing now that really wasn't a date, since she was watching us with no trace of agitation. I looked at Ricky Bobby again, and he was watching me so intently, I had to look at my feet.

Now unfortunately, this next part mostly faded from my mind, but all I remember is that I warmed up slightly to him and we were bantering back and forth about something. Then, the tour leader person said that we were moving on, and everyone started to stand up from their tables. I looked back at RB and smiled, then walked away.

Later, I still hadn't found my friends. We stopped somewhere else, and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned, and RB was there again.

"Oh," I said, then looked around for his gal pal. "Where's your date?"

He shook his head, looking like he cared less. "She's up there. But she's just someone I met here. Besides, I wanted to talk to you."

I suppressed the urge to snort and looked at him seriously. "Why?"

He looked at me steadily, and his face was devoid of any humor. "Sarah." He started. I blinked, and suddenly, his face had turned to someone else's. I don't know who the face belonged to, I didn't recognize it, and I still don't. It was a completely different person. "Please. Just say the word, and let's end this weirdness. I miss you. I want you."

Something released inside me, and apparently, this was all I needed to hear. And then I pinned the mystery guy to the wall and kissed him like I'd been holding it in for years, in front of everyone. (Cause that sounds SO like me, right?)

So, that's pretty much it. I thought about it for a while this morning, and I think I know what it means. I think it means that, subconsciously, I want to be on good terms with Ricky Bobby again, but I don't want him romantically, as symbolized by the face change.

But, I'm no dream interpreter, so I don't know.

But all I know is that I'm proud of myself for not giving in and talking to him on Facebook. Besides, I know that he wouldn't of replied anyway, because he does that. I saved myself a lot of unnecessary crap. Restraint for the win.

Let's hope I keep it that way, yes?

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby, summer

I get it now.}

Thursday, July 1, 2010 | 11:14 PM | 0 comment

This will be a short one, Internet, but I needed to post this.

Today, I had this epiphany. One that seems so obvious, and one that I should've had a long time ago. But it just hit me.

Lately, I've been obsessively thinking about being someone else and when I'm going to become something I'm not.

"When I get my bangs cut and when I dye my hair black, I'll be happier and more confident."
"When I get a six pack, I'll feel better about myself."
"When I buy this brand of mascara, I'll be able to feel more like myself."

When I do this, when I do that, when this happens, only THEN will I feel okay. That's what I kept thinking.

I keep thinking, tomorrow I'll be better. Tomorrow, I'll do this better. A month from now, my hair will be longer and I'll feel prettier.

But I'm not going to be anyone else but who I am. Right now.

I've spent plenty of time figuring out who I am, and the girl I am isn't going to be revealed suddenly someday, bursting out of me like I've been in some sort of cocoon.

My appearance will vary and change over the years, sometimes subtly and somethings drastically, and so will my taste in music and TV and movies and books. I'll age and go through life experiences that will throw me for a loop and will make me wiser. But I'll still be me.

And no one can take that away from me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, summer

present me past me

♡

"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."

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