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 "This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." 
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Thursday, October 15, 2015 | 10:48 PM | 0Comment Internet!! Happy belated October!  It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys? As for me, things have been pretty good. BULLETPOINT TIME.
So other than being up to all those things, I finally went to have coffee with Jazz two weeks ago. (After many unsuccessful tries.)
As you could imagine, after all that weirdness between us for weeks, I was a little worried about the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect, if she would be annoyed with me the whole time, or vice versa. But ahead of time, I'd decided that I was going to confront her in some way. Not in an aggressive, accusatory way of course, because that's not my style anyway.
After she picked me up and we drove to a nearby Starbucks, and we had talked for a while comfortably like everything was normal, I finally, tentatively brought it up.
Opting to first ask the question I had been wondering for a while, and after telling her to be totally honest with me, I asked her, "Do you genuinely like hanging out with me? Be honest. I really want to know."
After considering it for a moment, she said easily, "Yeah, of course I do. Why?"
I was a little relieved, but I continued, "I just wonder if you do sometimes. Sometimes I'm not sure. Like...I don't want you to feel like you have to, you know?"
She nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But don't worry, if I didn't like hanging out with you I would just say so. You know me." And then she smiled. There was the Jazz I knew.
Hearing her say that was a huge relief to me. Jazz and I have (especially in recent years) been brutally honest with each other, and both of us have tried to be as open as we can with each other. This was something I tried my best to do with this coffee chat, and she did the same for me. It was a huge load off my shoulders, for sure.
Honestly, the whole parties-for-couples-only-and-no-singles thing still bothers me, but I've decided to let it go for now. Besides, if I ever brought it up to Jazz, she'd probably feel bad and invite me--which I would inevitably hate, because you guys KNOW how much I hate parties, hahaha.
So really, it doesn't make that much sense for me to be upset over it. And it helps a bit that Jazz mentioned inviting me to dinner sometime at the new house, so at least now I know she's not actively trying to block me from her life, or something.
Backing up a bit, way before I confronted her about the weirdness, I had asked her about her new life.
Turns out, married life is different from what Jazz was expecting.
I had expected her to feel that way, to be honest, considering everything my mom told me about her first year of marriage to my dad. (After their first year of marriage, my parents were separated for a few months--like totally living in different places away from each other. After those months, though, they decided to move back in with each other and work it out--and they've been together ever since, 35 years this year.) And from what I can tell, Jazz had expected some difficulty, but I don't think she had expected this much.
She confided in me that getting used to her new life was proving more difficult than expected. She said she thought it would just be like living with someone she really liked, but it's turned into much more than that.
Stuff like constantly cooking and making meals for 2, making lunches for her husband for when he goes to work (he can't cook even a little, apparently), doing constant cleaning and laundry straightening up has become a part of her everyday. In addition, the "we" part of her life is new--having to plan everything they do with him as a unit, not being able to do everything separately anymore.
She also said that her husband needs a lot of reassurance--he's always been that way, she said, but it's been even more than usual lately. And she said that his personality is much more dependent than she had realized. (Picture the look of barely restrained horror in my eyes as she said that. Clingy = my worst nightmare.)
Also, one of her other friends, who is older (40ish?) and who she met through her husband's old boss, is apparently really dependent and needs constant attention as well, so that's something else Jazz has been dealing with lately. With all of this going on, no wonder she hadn't had time to hang out with me.
About the big change of lifestyle, I told her that she'll probably get used to all the changes with time. "It'll feel like second nature soon. Just give it some time to settle," I said to her.
She'd nodded in agreement, a slightly worn look on her face.
Among the topics of conversation, our ex-classmates came up as well.
Guess how many more people from our old school are now engaged or married?
5.
Yep. Seriously, is there something in the water here or something? What the hell is going on?????????
Two of them are a pair that have been together since the 9th grade, and I gotta say, I'm happy for them. They're cute as heck. They're like Troy and Gabriela come to life. (A sweet, smart girl, and the tall popular basketball player. You can't make this stuff up.) Engaged. And totally made for each other. The high school match of everyone's dreams.
Another two who got engaged have been together since high school too--and the guy? I had a huge crush on him in the 3rd and 6th grade.
In the 3rd grade, I teased him because I had no clue how to express my feelings properly. I'd pinch him hard on the arm and then run away cackling because I got to touch him, and I'd stick my foot out to trip him and then apologize later because I'd feel bad.
In the 6th grade, he was the first boy to ever reject me, and consequently the first boy to ever make me cry in the girl's bathroom. I swore I was in love with him, and even though he was half a foot shorter than me, I didn't care. (It wasn't love after all. But he has blue eyes you could fall into and never come out of--I still stand by this. I do not, however, stand by the embarrassing short stories I'd written about how we would get together in our 20's and fall in love. Soooo embarrassing.)
Crazy for me to think that he'll be getting married. (The girl I don't know well, she was two grades below us. She was the younger sister of someone in our grade, and I may have accidentally freaked her out once? Oops?) I'm happy for him, of course. I hope everything works out for them.
The last of the 5? Johnny.
He got married.
Johnny...is married. What.
Yeah. And I'd had no idea until Jazz had told me. He literally got married 3 weeks ago.
One thing I haven't talked about on here yet is what I've recently (this year) found out about Johnny. I've long since realized that Johnny has issues. Drug issues, personality issues, etcetera.
But one thing I hadn't known about Johnny this entire time was the fact that he's abusive.
A few months ago, Jazz had told me, for the first time, that during their friendship and very, very brief relationship (look here, here and here) Johnny was physically abusive towards her. He beat her up. And this whole time, she'd never said anything for fear of what people would say to her.
When she said this to me, I was shocked, to say the very least. To my very core.
Even though I'm nowhere near friends with Johnny anymore, I had never really imagined that he would be capable of such a thing. But that's what family and friends sometimes say who are close to abusers (or worse, rapists), right? They never think it could be true, that they could be capable of something so disgusting. And to even for one second suspect that Jazz could've been lying would be unspeakably awful.
Honestly, having the realization that the only close guy friend that I've ever had in my whole life is physically violent was devastating. I couldn't believe I had misjudged him so severely. Towards me, Johnny'd had his mean moments. Moments when I had genuinely thought that he was a terrible person. On the flip side, though, sometimes I have flashbacks of the good times. Talking on the phone with him, texting for hours, helping him shop for new clothes at the mall, trying a cinematic, running jump hug with him in the hallway at school, him warming up my hands at football games when I was cold.
But just because someone can be sweet and fun sometimes, it doesn't mean that they can't be capable of cruelty and violence.
Johnny is a filthy, lowlife abuser. And now he's married.
I don't know who that girl is that he married, but...God. I feel sorry for her. I hope she's okay. And I hope that she'll be okay. I really, honestly do.
I can't imagine how it must feel for Jazz to hear about her abusive ex getting married, especially just months after her own wedding. Must be weird as hell. And surreal.
The three of us were best friends in the 9th grade. I still have a picture of the three of us at freshman homecoming. My, how quickly time changes things.
Despite some of the topics we'd talked about, the coffee date between Jazz and I ended on good note, driving with the windows down in her mini cooper back to my house.
Seeing my ex-classmates morphing into their adult selves continues to be a weird, wildly confusing time for me.
Aside from being busy and watching these changes unfolding from afar, I've been--once again--getting sucked in by Tinder.
It's worth noting that I still haven't deleted my OkCupid account yet. The thought of logging in again and addressing the 17 messages I haven't replied to fills me with such despair that I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Ugh.
So, in the meantime, I've redownloaded Tinder for the 4th time. (Oy.)
Honestly though, if I had to compare the two: I like Tinder better. Why? Because in getting to choose who I swipe right on (which is very, very selectively) I am also, in turn, choosing who gets to message me.
Essentially, on Tinder I'm only getting messaged by the guys that I would want to talk to. So I don't have to deal with a mass of "Hey. What up?" messages that fill me with misery.
I haven't met anyone in person yet, and I'm not sure I would want to anyway. I'm not really interested in going on dates at the moment, so that's why.
But I absolutely don't object to having a nice conversation with some cute guys, texting them and whatnot. It's kinda fun, and at least that way I get some practice talking to guys so I don't get too awkward with them again. (Okay, I'm still awkward with them. But at least I'm less awkward with them than I used to be!)
If I start talking to someone and I think meeting in person would be fun? Sure, I'd do it.
But I'd have to talk to them a lot beforehand and get somewhat comfortable with talking to them, like I did with Kenneth and Brennan. Both of them were totally cool with that, and it helped me be less apprehensive when the time came to meet them. So that's pretty important to me.
Also, I haven't met anyone this time that I've had that much interest in. (Also hey, isn't that new 'Super Like' feature kinda weird? The only people who 'super like' me are in their thirties. What's up with that?)
Most of my matches haven't tried talking to me, and I'm not sure if that means they want me to message first, but I don't really care either way, so.
As the weather gets colder, I'll be having more decorating to do, more kdramas to binge watch and more jobs to apply for. Also, I might be either Louise from Bob's Burgers or Left Eye for Halloween.
Let's hope Tinder doesn't get me swept up in a whirlwind of stress this time, shall we?
xo Hopeless Romantic
Labels: babies and marriage?!?, change, growing up, halloween, jazz, johnny, life, online dating, tinder |
