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 "This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." 
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Big steps.}
Sunday, August 18, 2013 | 7:38 PM | 0Comment Hey, Internet. So. This trip. Ready to hear more details?  First of all, it's this week. It's snuck up on me so quickly, I remember when it was still a month and a half away, and now it's this week. I can't believe it. We're driving there, so we leave here on Wednesday morning, I believe. Then, we drive for two days until we reach Cali. We'll make it there (hopefully, if traffic allows) by noon Friday. Then we have the whole rest of that day to chill at our hotel and sleep and shower and stuff. Then the next day, Saturday, starts the reason we go there: the convention. I won't name the convention by name 1: for anonymity's sake, 2: I don't want to advertise for them and 3: it's the only convention of its kind and really if you're curious you could easy Google it. But yes, it's a kpop and Korean culture 2-day convention, and this is where I'm meeting (some of) my long distance friends at. And at the end of the second day of this convention is a kpop concert, my very very first kpop concert, and likely to be my very last because 1: it's very difficult to travel for these events, as they only happen in LA and NYC mostly, 2: it's very unlikely there will ever be one in my state as I'm right smack dab in the middle of the Midwest and the West Coast and my state doesn't even have a Koreatown or Chinatown or anything to the effect of that, and these things tend to only happen in areas with a high Asian population. Which is understandable. And 3: considering the expense this is costing us, and considering the last time I ever went on vacation was when I was 7 years old, unless things get a little better financially for us, there's just no way this will ever happen again. Sorry, here come more lists. The biggest reasons I wanted to go in the first place:
WHEW. That feels good to finally get that off of my chest. You don't know how long I've wanted to talk about #3 up there. A year, basically. I've felt like this for a year. And again, I apologize for the weirdness. I know it's weird, I fully and freely admit it is. And it's foolish. But it is what it is.
Plus, here's the thing: I'm 20 years old. I know I'm not old--hell no I'm not, and nowhere near it--but I'm not a teenager anymore. Which means my time for behavior/hobbies/interests like this is very limited now. It's still acceptable now; I'm college age, I'm not in the working world yet and not out on my own yet. I'm still really young--but only for so long. So I figure that if I want to pick any time to do this, it's now. I can't do shit like this anymore when I turn 27 lmfao, so I should just go all out and get it all out of my system now so I won't have the urge to when I'm old and it's inappropriate. ALSO, AN UPSIDE: my friends are all in their twenties too, so I won't feel like this: I'm actually the youngest out of all of them, so that's a comforting thought. Lmfao. SO. Yes. I'm super super excited for this convention/concert. For all I know, I might not get the chance to go to something like this ever ever again, so this is a privilege that I will never ever forget. Monday is basically our chilling day. We're just going to hang out all day. Our plans are to go shopping and then go to the beach, but we'll see how that holds up. I haven't been to the beach an even longer time, since I was 3, so that would be a surreal experience for me as well. Then, on Tuesday morning, we leave, and we'll make it home Thursday around noon. Here's the biggest thing of all, though: This is a very big deal to me. If I haven't made it clear, I have not been on a vacation with my family in a long time. The last time I went on one, again, I was 7 years old, and it was just with my mom--my dad couldn't come because he was working at home. And the past 2 years, I've barely left my house. I've gone on plenty of errands, yeah. I've gone to the movies, yeah. But compared to people who have school and jobs and leave every morning and come home every night? Yeah. I've barely left. So...this is a big step for me. I've become somewhat (not professionally diagnosed, btw) agoraphobic, not purposely, I've just...gotten used to being in my house. All the time. And unfortunately, having no car and no license, and considering the area I live in, there's been no way to really change this habit of mine. I tried getting a job, but we all saw how that turned out. And I applied for community college again for this fall, got accepted, decided a major, and I've even gotten all the way to looking at classes to sign up for, but unfortunately, because of money and the timing of this trip, it doesn't look like it will be possible this time either. So this trip....it means a lot to me. It's a big step for me. Leaving my house, and driving completely out of state, and meeting these girls that I've never even met in person before....it's a really really big step. Life changing, even. To me this is more than just a vacation. It's a turning point, one that I've needed for a while. It's a push in the right direction, a push to happiness. So I'm terrified. I'm excited, but absolutely terrified. Keep me in your thoughts, Internet. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me. This is something really scary for me and I'll need all the strength and courage I can get. Meanwhile, I've been preparing best I can. I've been exercising even more, taking even better of my skin, eating even better and healthier than usual. I redyed my hair (did I mention I dyed my hair fire engine red at the beginning of June? No? Well, there ya go.) and got it done, and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed either tomorrow or Tuesday. SO, even if I won't be totally and completely emotionally prepared for the trip, at least I'll look good, lol. If I don't get a chance to update before I leave for the trip, then expect a full on, novella length, Hopeless Romantic-rant style entry after I get back. I intend on writing about everything. EVERYTHING. Get ready. Wish me luck, Internet. I'll need it. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: california, fandom ish, friends, my michael, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, summer, trips I know you missed them...}
Thursday, August 30, 2012 | 12:22 AM | 0Comment  ...time for another...BULLETPOINT ENTRY!!!!!
So. Things are really looking up, aren't they? It'll take some adjusting, and I'll probably hate myself for jumping into all of this so suddenly for a while, and the first week I have both ballet and (hopefully) work, it'll probably give me figurative whiplash, but I'll get used to it eventually. I'm just...even before these things are happening, I'm just so happy. I haven't felt this excited about something in a while.
Hello, new life. I welcome you wholeheartedly.
xo Hopeless Romantic
Labels: ballet, best friend rose, bulletpoint entry, jazz, summer, updates, work The last night in this house.}
Sunday, July 1, 2012 | 12:02 AM | 0Comment  I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. I think it finally hit me how I'll never sleep here again after tonight, and how much I'll miss this place.I went through some hard stuff here, but it was also my haven at times. I'll miss how there's a ridiculous amount of vents in my bathroom, and so whenever we have the a/c on in the summertime it's like a refrigerator, and whenever we have on the heat in the winter, it's toasty warm. I'll miss how there's two sinks in there even through I only ever used one. I'll miss the almost pink, almost cream color that my walls have been painted ever since before we moved here. It's probably the only room I'll ever get with pink walls, and strangely, even though I never knew I wanted pink walls, I'll miss having them. I'll miss how this bedroom never failed to become a convector oven in the afternoon, summer, spring, winter or fall. Even when it was -10 outside, if the sun was out, it would be piping hot in there by afternoon. Don't ask me why I'll miss this, I really have no idea. Even though it was annoying, and it was unbearable sometimes, it was charming in a way. I'll miss air conditioning in general. (The new house doesn't have air conditioning. And my state is currently going through consistent late nineties heat. Dear god help us all.) I'll miss the fireplace downstairs, because you can see through it on both sides and it's really cool. I'll miss living across the street from Walgreens. The people that work there see us so often that they recognize us by face immediately and greet us, I'm surprised they don't know us by name. Believe it or not, I'll miss living right next to a busy street. I've gotten so used to the traffic noise that I'll probably have a hard time falling asleep without it for a while. I'll miss being not even a block away from a park. I'll miss walking through my neighborhood through the many winding paths that weave between people's backyards. I discovered it with Jazz when we were feeling adventurous maybe two years ago, and since then, regrettably, I've only walked through it a few times. I wish I had done it more often, it was so peaceful and nice. The only problem with it was that you could see straight into people's backyards, and sometimes dogs would bark at you. (One time, someone's HUGE white dog got so wound up barking at us and jumping at the fence that me and Jazz thought he was going to leap over the fence, so we turned back around and ran, lol.) That's something that my new neighborhood doesn't have, and it's a bigger neighborhood and not as safe, so that's kind of too bad. I'll miss the cozy layout of this house. The new one is bigger, which is much better for us, but I will miss the snug feel of this one. Last, but not least, I'll miss the virtual sound-proofness of this room. I swear, I would do anything up here with my door closed (play my music as loud as the volume will possibly go, scream at the top of my lungs, laugh loudly, etc) and nobody else in the house could hear. The new house, I'm not so sure. I guess we'll see? As I've been packing up my bedroom, and my old school office, it's hitting me more and more that this stage in my life has come to an end, and a new one is starting. Even though it's hard, I'll always have the memories made in this house, and nothing can ever replace those. So, this is goodbye. But with goodbyes, other doors can be opened. Let's see where this one leads. xo Hopeless Romantic June 14th, a.k.a. the day my life changed again.}
Monday, June 25, 2012 | 3:36 PM | 0Comment Wow, internet. Where to begin? This'll be another long one, so bear with me guys.  By the way, yes. It's me. Just me. Don't worry, I won't be writing anymore articles on here, it's just that I felt like I really had to write that, to maybe help those out there starting online school that are as totally clueless like I had been. I know I would have loved any sort of advice, or reassurance, about it.ANYWAY. Wow. I can't believe it's taken me over a week to write this. Tbh I think that up until now I was still so freaked out and dazed about everything, and I don't think I would have been able to collect my thoughts adequately enough. I'm still a little dazed about it, though. Sometimes when I think back on it, it just feels like a dream, sometimes vivid, sometimes fuzzier. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So. June 14th, 2012. I type it out like that because I don't think I'll forget this day for a long, long time. The day started out oddly. I remember specifically waking up and just being cranky. This generally happens when I go to bed in the wee hours of the early morning, which I'm sure I did, because summertime and all. Even if I go to bed at like 4 but sleep until like 11 or 12, I'm still horribly cranky. I'm not sure why, but there ya go. So, I wake up at like 12ish, I'm pissy, and maybe 15 minutes after that, my mom knocks on my door. When I answer, 'Yeah?' I'm sitting up in bed, literally still waking up and in my pajamas. And my mom, says in a loud whisper, "Jazz is here." Now, this bewilders me. Not only because to me, it's still the morning, but also because the last time I saw Jazz, it was at her graduation. Let me tell you, it was weird going to my old school's graduation. I think that was my final realization that it really was my old school. I looked at that graduating class, saw some kids that I'd know since I was four or five years old, and realized that I wasn't graduating with them. Up until then, I'd always called it 'my old school' and acknowledged that it was something not in my life anymore, but I think a small part of me (even if it was the most microscopic of the microscopic) still actually believed that I still belonged there. I mean, the friends I met there are basically still my social circle. And like I said, some of those people I've known since I was a really tiny person, like Best Friend Rose, so it's almost as if...as if I've never known anything else. My whole life growing up was that school. For public schools, it's different. You go to a public elementary school for 5-6 years (if you don't switch schools all the time), and then you leave. And then you go to a public middle school for 3 years, and again, if you don't switch schools, you go to school with those people for 3 years. And then you leave. And then same goes for the 4 years of high school. But for me, from when I was 4 years old to when I left at 16, that place...was my entire childhood. And I think I'd had such a hard time letting go of that place because it was like letting go of my childhood, and letting go of all the memories I'd had there. My life revolved around that place for so long that part of me still felt attached. But when I saw my fellow classmates graduate, it's like that door finally closed. Seeing that they were all graduating, all the kids I grew up with, and moving on from that school, I could finally let go. It's like the attachment that I had to that place has released. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I thought if there was any graduation I cried rivers at (besides my own, lol) it would be Best Friend Rosie's and Jazz's and all my old classmates. But I didn't. Not at all. Not even afterwards. Instead I almost just felt this...relief. It sounds awful, I know. And hell, I didn't even go there anymore, so it shouldn't have mattered anyway. But I was relieved, and I didn't know if it was more for me or for them. But one thing I know I was relieved about was this: although there were the select few kids still going there that I'd gone to elementary school with, the rest, I couldn't wait to never see them again. Which is normal to feel, I'm sure. Because as much as I'd liked some of the people that went there, others I couldn't wait to get away from. Adios, bitches. See you at the 20 year reunion. ANYWAY, THAT WASN'T EVEN MY POINT. June 14th, right. Lol. Sorry! My point was that when I saw Jazz at her graduation, it was...awkward at best. Considering before that, the last time we talked was before my birthday, which I was kinda upset about because she had not even wished me a happy birthday. Not once. Not even a birthday text. So that whole time we hadn't talked, even though I'd tried to text her. I thought I'd done something to piss her off, BUT, as it turned out, she'd been texting my old number for the whole two months we hadn't talked, and though that I was mad at her. Purely a mis-communication. So, after mom told me to hurry up and get ready because I had a guest downstairs, she shut the door and left me to scurry around my room, flustered and confused because I hate it when people show up unannounced and I was also still trying to remember my own name. Eventually I figured out how to put some sweats on and I ventured downstairs, a bit wary. When I came into the living room, though, immediately Jazz explained to me what happened with the texting thing, also adding that she'd dropped her phone in the toilet and lost half of her contact information, which explains why she was texting my old number. So after that I was less wary, but still cranky, which is why when Jazz asked if I wanted to go out for lunch, I almost immediately turned it down. Jazz asked why not, and I really couldn't come up with more of an excuse other than 'because I just woke up' and 'because I look like crap'. Jazz countered all of my excuses, and then my mom joined in, making it two against one and clearly I lost. I went upstairs to shower after that, put together the cutest outfit I could for the weather (it was blazing hot, but I hadn't shaved my legs, haha. So white jeans it was!) and put my wet hair in a ponytail and put mascara on and sucked it up as we left the house and got into Jazz's car. I was still pretty prickly as we drove away, but then as we talked and as we pulled into the Panda Express parking lot, I was feeling a little brighter. We walked into the restaurant (and this random guy said hi to us from his car for some reason, idk.) and got some food, and then I was in a much better mood. We talked about a lot of stuff, basically just catching up on everything we'd missed the past few months, and when she asked how I'd been doing, I decided to just be honest and come clean about everything I'd been feeling and going through the past few months, and I mean everything. Like everything I've been whining about on here for months, lol. And then out of nowhere, we started talking about Rosie, and for some reason I started crying. In the middle of Panda Express. Yeah. Super embarrassing. But Jazz just sat patiently and understandingly, not embarrassed in the slightest. (But what we talked about, I'll save for another entry.) So after I thoroughly embarrassed myself, and hardly ate any of my food, I got a takeaway box and we decided to go head to the bookstore to look around. After getting in the car, though, Jazz asked if I liked eclairs. I told her I had never had one, and she asked if I wanted to go by the bakery and try one. (But secretly, I know this is mostly just a ploy to get me to meet her boyfriend. I've seen her so little lately, he hasn't even come up on here, but they've been dating for a few months now. Online school kid like me, and he had gone to my old school before switching to online school. But I'd never actually met him before, since he went to my old school after I'd already left. She's been wanting me to meet him for a good while now, so I pretty much saw this coming, haha.) So I say sure, because who in their right mind would turn down a fresh pastry? NOT THIS GIRL. So we head over to this place, and it's a cute little locally owned Dutch bakery, and as soon as you walk in you're greeted by 3 little table and chair sets and the smell of baking sweets. Super cute. And then while we're waiting while a couple ahead of us orders what they want, Jazz and I looked at everything they have. There's the desserts, of course, but then they have a bunch of Dutch and German candy and snacks, too. Did I mention I want to go back there? Because I do. Badly. Then a guy who I assume to be her boyfriend, Dan*, comes out, and she greets him cheerfully. They exchange some cute couple-y banter, and then Jazz introduces us. He was slightly reserved, and tall, but seems very nice. It's not hard to see why Jazz would like this guy so much. After all that, Jazz asks for an eclair, and I actually go for the tiramasu. (I know I know, I copped out. But I LOVE TIRAMASU.) Then I also get two candy necklaces, because they're fifty cents each. I pay for both of our stuff, and after taking to Dan some more, we eat our desserts. My tiramasu was made in heaven and then fell through the clouds and down to Earth. I swear. That stuff was unearthly. And when Jazz couldn't finish the last bite of her eclair, I ate it, and it was pretty dang good too. (A little bit too rich for my taste, though. But still good.) So after finishing, and saying bye to Dan, we head over to Barnes and Noble. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for my wallet, I'd spent all of my money at the bakery (though to be fair I didn't have that much on me in the first place), so I couldn't buy anything while we were there. Because, hoo boy. Trust me. Did I want to buy things. I haven't been to the bookstore since my birthday (Yes! You heard right! Since my birthday. Don't know how I've survived this long tbh.) and I've accumulated quite a long 'to buy' book list. I almost had to physically restrain myself from stuffing books down my shirt and making a run for the doors, lol. While we were there, my dad called to ask me what I wanted for dinner from the place that my mom and dad were eating for their anniversary (yeah, incidentally this was their anniversary, too. 31st anniversary. My heroes.) and I told him as quietly as I could because people were glaring at me because apparently answering phone calls in Barnes and Noble is against the law. So yeah, they'd order for me and just bring it home in a box for me. Outback Steakhouse. (It was delicious, btw.) So when we were done at Barnes and Noble, and Jazz got a Father's Day gift for her dad, as well as a book I've been wanting for a good while (which I told her that she HAD to let me borrow asap!). And then we got back in the car, getting ready to head back to Jazz's house, where my parents would pick me up. I remember the drive back to her house very vividly. As we were leaving the Barnes and Noble parking lot, I very specifically remember saying, "This was a nice day, wasn't it? This was fun." and then Jazz agreeing with me enthusiastically, and then we both agreed to do it more often. A few songs came on the radio that we liked, and we turned it up louder and obnoxiously sang along, and as we sang it began to rain, and we pointed out each raindrop as it fell on the windshield, because we're 10 year olds. Then. We were driving down a very busy main road, and it was oddly backed up for a good while. We wondered why until we saw a few police cars and an ambulance stopped by a stalled car. I also remember Jazz very specifically saying, "Do you think they hit a pedestrian?" while we gazed out the windows at it. "I don't know," I said, staring. I couldn't see anyone hurt. "That's what it looks like to me," said Jazz. "Like they hit a pedestrian." Maybe 2 minutes later, it happened. We were literally 3 minutes from Jazz house, but still on the main road. Cars were still backed up, so we were going slightly slower than usual, and Jazz decides to get into the turning lane. We're going normal speed now, maybe 5 to 6 mph under the speed limit. In not even two blinks, it happens. For a split second I see this man darting through the cars in the lane next to ours. And then he LEAPS IN FRONT OF OUR CAR. It seriously happens before I can process what's happening, and even when I think on it now, I only remember certain details. I remember Jazz slamming on the breaks, but the immediate thought in my mind that we were going too fast and we wouldn't stop fast enough to avoid him. I remember covering my eyes with my hands because I knew it wasn't going to turn out well. I remember hearing him hit the car and crashing into the windshield, and the deafening sound of breaking glass. I remember Jazz screaming loudly and then hearing myself screaming too, although I don't remember even stopping to think to scream. It's like it just tore out of me automatically, as a basic primal response, because I've literally never been so scared in my life and for a few seconds I genuinely thought, "What if I die right now?" It was all over in a few seconds, but it felt like hours. For a moment or two Jazz and I just sat there going, "Oh my god, oh my god." Then Jazz shouts, "Is he okay??" And I shake my head and somehow say, "Go check, go check!" And I say somehow because at that moment I was in a huge daze, and I don't even know how I managed to formulate that response. So Jazz jumps from her seat and throws the door open and then spins around and yells, "Call 911!" And it takes me a second to realize that she's talking to me, because I've never been in a situation where I've had to call 911 before. So after she gets out, I just sit there for another few moments before realizing that I need to take out my phone now and call 911. I rummage through my purse for a good thirty seconds, almost panicking that I'd somehow lost my phone between then and Barnes and Noble, but I find it and then curse under my breath when I realize that the battery is low. I unlock the screen and stare at it some more, forgetting how it works all of a sudden, and then I remember and figure out how to dial the numbers with shaking hands. Then I forget to hit the talk button after dialing. And then I realize I've been sitting in the car this whole time, and I'm suddenly scared shitless of this car and I jump out of it and slam the door, almost not remembering to stay away from the traffic speeding by mere feet away from the car door. (After telling my parents about this later, my mom tells me I was in shock, but I really just felt like an idiot. We hit a man with our car, for all I knew his life DEPENDED on me, and I couldn't remember how to use my phone to call 911.) I walk to the other side of the car where I see Jazz knelt next to the man, who's laying down on the concrete median and bleeding from his head, and there are at least five or six other people there gathered around them both looking concerned. There was also other people stopped in their cars and looking on gape-mouthed in the lane next to ours and on the other side of the median. I briefly notice other random details--one of the guy's shoes right in front of me on the ground, along with his broken sunglasses, his other shoe a good fifteen feet away, and a chunk of his long hair stuck on the jagged edges of the windshield. Meanwhile I was still trying to figure out how my phone worked. Eventually I successfully dialed it, and it was ringing, but by now there were 3 other people around me, including Jazz, that were on the line with operators already, and the line just kept ringing and ringing and because I wasn't in my right mind I got frustrated and hung up before anybody answered. Not smart, I know. Because in the following hour they kept trying to call me back, but I ignored all their calls. Also stupid. But I felt so worthless at that moment because it had taken me so long and Jazz was counting on me and I'd failed. And I also had the irrational fear that when they did pick up, I would have no clue what to say, because I couldn't think straight. Still pretty disappointed in myself for this, honestly. But I was just so freaked out. So everyone was standing around the guy and he was groaning in pain(we found out later that he's my age, 19 years old), and there were two men, one in an Air Force uniform and one in a dress shirt and pants (business man?) stabilizing him and talking to him until the paramedics got there. Among the others there was a woman, and younger boy, maybe 13 or so, that looked like her son, and then another man that I can't even remember the face of. Again, they were all gathered around him, along with Jazz, and I was literally standing six feet away with my hands covering my mouth, frozen. I swear I didn't do this on purpose, or consciously, it was just like I couldn't even make myself move. Adrenaline was still rushing through me and my heart was pounding and I was so scared. For him, for what just happened, and in general. I don't think I've been this scared in my life. Police came much quicker than I'd expected, but they had literally been just yards away at the other accident, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. Then after the police came, the firemen and ambulance came all at once, only I don't even remember hearing their sirens coming, it was like they just appeared. I think it was around this time when it finally hit me and Jazz, because Jazz started to freak out. Up until then, she'd been surprisingly calm and collected and had handled it really well, but then she started to cry and hyperventilate. All I could do was try to soothe her and give her lots of hugs, and actually the other people there were trying to comfort her too, all telling her there was no way she could have seen him, even though they were complete strangers. I told her I'd call her dad for her because she couldn't bring herself to do it, and suddenly I could remember how to use my phone again, and I was the calm one. It took a few numbers, but I got a hold of him and told him in the calmest voice I could manage that we'd been in an accident and that the other person was hurt, but we were both home. Thankfully, he was home at the time, and it took him five minutes to get there. After he got there and began comforting Jazz, I called my dad, and told him that me and Jazz would be a little late getting to her house because something happened, but that we were both okay and not to worry. I didn't tell him right off the bat that I'd been in an accident because I know them so well and I KNOW they would have been worried sick and would have dropped everything to get to me, anniversary or not, but I would have felt awful for scaring them like that, especially after such a nice anniversary dinner. I figured it would just be better to tell them in person so that they could see that I was fine, that Jazz was fine, and that everything was okay. (They thanked me for this later, because my dad said, as I'd predicted, that they would have really freaked out if I told them over the phone.) Everything else after that happened in a blur. The paramedics took the guy away in an ambulance, and then most of the other people left except for the mother and her son. (I wish I'd gotten the chance to thank the others, though, they were so nice to us.) A very handsome fireman asked us some questions (not even exaggerating. He looked like a model posing in a firemen costume in a calendar, not like an actual fireman.), and then a policeman asked us some questions after that. Another few firemen took Jazz's blood pressure, and then Jazz's brother and his wife showed up. After that, we filled out some forms, and the policeman took some measurements of the scene, and the firemen left while waving at us. Then the mom and her son left after filling out witness forms, giving us both kind words of encouragement. And then it was all over, and then we left to Jazz's house. Me and Jazz and Jazz's sister in law all rode in Jazz's dad's car, while her brother drove her car. Needless to say, when my parents saw Jazz's car drive up with a shattered windshield, they were shocked, but I explained everything right away so they didn't have time to freak out. Since then, we've found out that the guy we hit is fine. Just got a deep cut on the back of his head and some bruises on his legs, which is actually a miracle, because he could be dead right now. I'm still amazed at this. It could have been so much worse. As soon as we'd hit him, I was sure he'd be dead, but he isn't, and with no broken bones to top it all off. You don't see that everyday, and I'm really so glad he's okay. (Also, weird fact--this guy named Brad* that Jazz and I went to school with and were in a band with very briefly, he has his own band now, and this kid--this kid that we hit--is the bassist in his band. I KNOW. What are the odds? Small world, really small world.) Looking back, I still can't believe it happened. It was probably the scariest thing that I've ever been though. But, in a weird sort of way, I'm glad I went through it. Because that was first ever car accident, and it was Jazz's first car accident since getting her license. And I'm glad we were there for each other for this. You know, before this day, I was unsure about where our friendship was going, and I was positive that we'd never be as close as we were before. But after June 14th, I'm sure of it: we'll be friends for life. I think this day was a sign that of that, and this whole thing made us even closer than before. Also in a weird sort of way, I think it was fate. It sounds crazy, I know, but I mean, think about it. What if we had stayed in Barnes and Noble longer? What if we'd never gone to the bakery? What if we'd just stopped at Panda Express and then I went back home? Where would our friendship be? Would it be exactly like it had been before all of this happened? Maybe it was a coincidence, but it was just the coincidence that our friendship needed. Despite all the crap we'd gone through our senior year, I for sure know it now: Jazz and I are meant to be friends. And this is going to sound so screwed up and weird, so let me try and say this in the best way possible: Even this accident was awful, and I'll probably never see a pedestrian run across a busy street again without freaking out, also in a way, I'm glad it happened. Because it was my reality check. For me it was just another reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how quickly it can change, and why that's why I can't live my life waiting around anymore. (A.k.a., the past three school years.) If I sit around waiting for things to happen, I end up sitting around and wasting my time, time I could have used doing something great. This sounds dramatic, but I've had to consider this: What if that accident had been much worse? What if everyone involved had been seriously injured, or worse? We're lucky that Jazz and I weren't, not to mention there was not a scratch on us. And even luckier that the guy wasn't seriously injured, or even dead. It's a privilege for all of us to be alive right now. If I had gone having lived my life they way it's been...... I can't even finish that sentence. The thought itself horrifies me. No more waiting. No more being afraid to try. No more living in my room day after day. I'm so tired of this. It's time to change. It's time to live. For a few days after this had happened, I was still freaked out, and I was super sore, so I took it easy for a few days and got my rest. But now I'm okay. I was mostly concerned about Jazz, considering she was the one driving, and considering her past and all (for the record, her mom died in a car accident when she was 11) I was worried about how she'd take it, and for a while she was pretty upset, but I think she's doing all right, now. As far as I know, anyway. But I'm still worried, not gonna lie. Jazz tends to bottle things up when something's bothering her, so maybe I'll see when I see her in person next. In the meantime, it's taking smaller steps to change for me. We found a great house, and it looks like that's the one we'll be moving to. We need to be out of this house by next Sunday, so this'll be the last week in this house. I'm excited about the new house, but I'm also still pretty sad about leaving this one. I just need to cherish my last days in this house as best I can. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: jazz, life, scary stuff, summer When it rains, it pours.}
Thursday, May 31, 2012 | 3:38 PM | 0Comment  But sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?Internet, even though I just graduated two weeks ago, there's already lots of changes happening. For one thing, we're moving. Yup. Moving to a new house. It's interesting, because when my mom told me, I wasn't all that surprised. For the past month, I've had the distinct feeling that something was going on that everyone wasn't telling me, probably for the sake of me not being more stressed than I already was. Plus, I don't exactly have a good record of handling moving well. (Look to this entry and this one.) So, I'm sure they were pretty worried about my reaction. But when she told me, my exact reaction was 'Oh'. I know! It was...weird. I felt a little disappointed. After all, we had spent 3 years here. A good amount of my high school years was spent here. And the last 3 years of high school, good or not, my whole life was this place. This is the place where I grew as a person. And for that, I'll always love this house. But it was also the place where I have harbored some serious emotional baggage. It's the place I first started to realize who my true friends are in my life, and where my priorities should lie. It's the place where I realized that not everyone will be there for you. It's the place where I learned, unfortunately at times, what it's like to be alone for too long. I love this house. I do. It has its flaws (like how the back of it is RIGHT next to a busy street, and we can clearly see the Walgreens across the street from the kitchen window, the backwards door handle on the door of the downstairs bathroom, and the way my room turns into an oven in the afternoon because of poor wall insulation, and the way my bathroom door won't close and lock if it's raining), but they're flaws I've grown to love. I love how the park is just five houses away, and I can walk to it whenever I want. I love how there's a Walgreens and 7-11 right nearby if I feel like making a junk food run. And I'll always love this house for the beautiful memories I've had here. But, honestly? I'll be happy if I never have to come back to it. Maybe that's selfish, but I've just had so many hard times here, and I can't help but associate those with this house now. I can't explain it, but it sort of feels like even when I move on in my life, if we were to stay here, those same feelings of depression and loneliness would stay too. And I don't want that. I feel like this move will be a good chance for me to start over. Officially. I'm not 'homeschooled Sarah' anymore. I've graduated. I'm moving on. And I think that moving houses would really help with that. These past few years have made me start to crave change. And where I used to dread change and push it away, now, as I've gotten older, I've started to embrace it. Maybe that's a part of growing up too. So, there's that. My parents haven't really been upfront about how much time we have left in this house, but I'm getting the gist that the owner wants us out, and soon, because he wants to sell it. When I mentioned in passing about ordering something online with my graduation money, my dad said I should probably wait until we move. When I asked him if we would be out of the house before even the two weeks that it takes to ship this item, he said yes. Sounds pretty soon to me. I should probably start packing, haha. Something else that's changing this summer are my interests. (Not kpop, lol. Pretty sure that's here to stay for a good while!) But something I wanted to start this summer was dance lessons. I know, I KNOW. Wait, it gets better!! I was thinking of taking beginner adult ballet lessons. .......Okay, you can stop laughing hysterically now. No, seriously! I've been considering taking some sort of lessons for a while now, like dance or Taekwondo, but I think that ballet would be the best option for me, and for various reasons. For one: I'm out of shape. Like, reaaaaaally out of shape. And before you say anything, I'm not calling myself fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just...severely out of shape. For reals. Like, I think spending all this time inside, not just for the past few months, but the past few years, made my muscles disintegrate. I'm just skin and bones, and in between them are squishy jello-y parts that I think used to be my muscles. I get easily winded going up stairs, and I get sore from even just walking around all day. (Like, the day after my graduation? There were parts of me sore that I didn't know even existed. And that was just from WALKING AROUND.) Also, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, and when I leaned on my leg weird, I threw my knee out. I kid you not. Seriously, my health is terrible right now. So, I need to work on getting in shape again, because I know being as inactive as I am right now, and being as young as I am, is dangerous. And since I'm not even a little bit athletic (the thought of me being on a soccer or a basketball team makes me laugh a little. I mean really, I just started thinking about it just now, and I burst out laughing. I'm laughing now as I type this.), I think dance might be the better option for me. Another reason I want to sign up for lessons is that I'm uncoordinated. Really. I'm so bad at.....moving. In general. I trip over air at least once a day. I'm constantly dropping things and constantly off balance. And on top of that, when I'm in public and I feel uncomfortable or awkward, it worsens tenfold. Which makes my awkwardness worse. Which makes my general confidence and self esteem worsen as well. So, I think taking ballet lessons would help with my coordination, my balance, and my confidence too, considering I would have to learn routines and dance in front of my teacher and the other people in my class each lesson. It'll be difficult at first, for sure, and maybe the first few lessons I'll feel like quitting, but I think it will be really good for me in the long run. And if it isn't? Nothing lost, except for a little bit of cash. Plus, I'd get to keep the cute leotard, tights, and slippers. The past few years, after quitting volleyball right after middle school, I'd been thinking I needed a new hobby. So maybe, just maybe, this could fit me well. I could really love it. And if not? Then at least I tried and can say I did it! So after we move, I might get to sign up for that. I already found a dance studio I want to take them at, and for a reasonable price, so I'm excited for that! Two more things I might be doing this summer: a part-time job and therapy. I know, a part-time job is a given, since I've been saying that every summer since the ninth grade, lol. But therapy is definitely a must. As you could probably tell from reading this entry, and previous entries from the past few months in general, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional roller coasters this year. Not just 2012 so far, but this past school year. It was pretty difficult, and I know that things could have been much worse, which I'm thankful for, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it. I talk to my parents about it, and they are always there for me and I love them for it, but I also feel like I might need some professional help, lest I keep them harbored inside of me to create deeper problems later in life. This past winter, my mom had mentioned to me a few times that she thinks I may have depression, and I think she might be right. I don't want to be over paranoid about it, but bipolar disorder runs in her side of the family, and so I feel like I shouldn't completely rule that out. To just be sure that it was personal problems I was going through the past year, and not serious health problems, therapy is something that I want to do as well. The past few months, although I've had fun times, in the background, I've just...felt sad. Not like 'oh, woe is me, I have problems! My life sucks!' or anything like that, just...sad. I haven't really openly acknowledged it until now because acknowledging it would have made it real. Because even when I tried to be okay, deep down inside I knew I wasn't. And I still sort of feel that way. That isn't normal. And I've had a few periods in my life where I've felt that way. So, I just want to get this sorted out. And I want to feel genuinely happy again. Right now, I feel better. I feel much better than I have for months now that school's over. But I know that there's things inside of me that I still need to fix. So that I can feel myself. I know it won't happen right away, but in the long run, it'll be worth it. Because I'm tired of feeling anxious, of feeling insecure all the time. I just want to be me again. The next few months will be full of change, tons of it, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for my life to go in this new direction. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: ballet, change, life, summer, therapy Trains and Goodbyes.}
Wednesday, August 17, 2011 | 7:37 PM | 1Comment  Internet, the trip was, in a word, AWESOME.
The resort we went to was in a little ski town in the mountains, and let me just say, it was gorgeous up there. Absolutely gorgeous. And when I say it was in the mountains, it was way way in the mountains. Due to traffic and an added pit stop (at Starbucks for the bathroom, and at McD's for fries because we were all STARVING.), it took about 3 hours to drive there. But every second up there was amazing. I'd never been to that part of my state before, and it was great to be able to see how beautiful it was up there. We were so high up, that the very highest mountain peaks there still had snow on the their tops. Which, of course, meant that it was much cooler than I was used to this time of year, and stupid me, I only packed one hoodie and one long pair of pants (the pants being white. White. Don't ask me please, I have no idea.) So while I was up there, I bought this pair of large fleece men's pajama pants from a thrift store (it was called Thrift Store. Gotta love small towns!) They're black and white, and they have fly fishing patterns all over them, including compasses and fish and a guy holding a net, and they're ugly, but I love them for the reason that I'll always look at them and remember Best Friend Rose's 18th birthday trip. Everybody up there is super athletic. Super super athletic. Almost everyone rides bicycles, and it's like the county-wide dress code is Nike and Adidas. And I do not recall seeing anyone even a little bit remotely overweight up there. None. It's like they all came out of the womb with 5% body fat. We all stood out with our 'city clothes', and I guess our regular muscle mass index, and there were people staring at us all the time, but part of me liked it, because they were strangers, and we were strangers to them, and we could have been anything we wanted. Anything at all. It felt good. We stayed in a condo, and me and BFR and I shared a room. It was a nice little condo, with cable and WiFi and a nice back porch with a great view. ...However, it was also directly next to a train track. So, every hour, it would chug on by, honking a honk that echoed throughout the entire area. Which is kind of cute at first. Until you're trying to sleep at 3am and all of a sudden there's a wake-the-dead honk splitting your eardrums. I swear, the entire first night we stayed, I got no sleep whatsoever. Every time the train would pass, I would have a near full blown panic attack because I wouldn't even hear it approaching that clearly until all of a sudden there would be this "CHOOOOOOOOO CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and I would jump about half a foot off of my bed. And not only THAT, but also on that first night, there was a friendly neighborhood bear searching for some food to eat in our dumpster. Only I didn't know it was a bear. Because the first thought you have when you hear a violent clanking and banging somewhere nearby at 3:30am is that a ghost/burglar/serial killer is coming to kill you. So I was laying there wide awake in a strange bed, my heart pounding hard in my chest, terrorized by this train, and terrorized by this bear/ghost/burglar/killer. The end result was me getting 1 hour of actual sleep and getting out of bed as soon as the sun came up. The other nights were better, though. I ended up sleeping with my iPod earbuds in my ears, and they worked decidedly well as earplugs. All day Saturday, we were riding the alpine slides (SO fun), playing mini golf, running through a maze, and jumping on one of those bungee trampoline things. Rosie and her nephew Adam (reference point) rode one of those round-spinning-defy gravity thingers, but I preferred to watch them shriek inside it and then laugh at them both when they came out all cross-eyed and cross-legged. We also, incidentally, spent some time at the on-site hospital they had. It turned out, on our first ride down the alpine slide, Best Friend Rose's mom went way too fast, somehow wiped out and ended up dislocating her pinkie and breaking her ring finger. We were all shocked, because apparently it's difficult to get an injury on this particular ride, but somehow she'd managed to. We all felt terrible for her, but she was a trooper and spent the rest of the day with us all with a partial cast and sling. The trip had its sad moments too, however. Very shortly before this trip, Best Friend Rose's oldest sister, Ashley (reference point) had decided that she was going to move to Texas. Soon. As in, she told everyone on Friday and then she was leaving on Monday soon. And granted, she's lived here all her life with Adam, so this came as a huge surprise. 
So, seeing as she had to move down there soon to get Adam to his new school, which started on Tuesday, they had to leave early, on Sunday, instead of Monday like us. Sunday was an emotional day for everyone. Basically, from breakfast on, it was nonstop tears. Even from me, which surprised me, because even though I've felt close to Ashley and Adam, I didn't really think I'd cry. But after we all started talking about them leaving, like actually leaving, it hit me that they weren't just my best friend's family members, they were like my family too. And that I would miss them. A lot. When it was time for them to leave, at first Adam refused to leave with his mom, begging not to leave, crying. Have you ever seen a 10 year old boy cry? I don't recommend it. Because it's heartbreaking. Truly heartbreaking. So we all said our goodbyes by their car, all of us still crying. I tried very hard to hold it together, because I felt like I didn't deserve to be so sad. After all, I was close to them, but for Rosie, that was her family. Adam is practically her world. I've never seen her love any child like she loves Adam. And Rosie's mom was losing a daughter and a grandson. But I could hardly look either of them in the face as I hugged them and said goodbye, because it hit me that I really was saying goodbye. And if there was anything I learned about this trip, Internet, it was that I'm awful at goodbyes. After they left, the three of us settled in the condo living room and watched chick flicks for the rest of the day. And it was just what the doctor ordered. The last day, it mostly consisted of running around and packing everything up, making sure to clean this and clean that. And I took pictures of everything, because I had finally grown fond of everything, and I wanted to make sure I didn't forget it. I even wanted to take a picture of the train by the end, but ironically, the one time I wanted to hear and see it again, it didn't show up. So after all was said and done, we drove home, and left that small ski town behind. It was a short trip, but it was great. I don't regret any second of it, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to end my summer. And thanks to it, I can add a few more items to my list of firsts from this summer:
Goodbye, Summer 2011. You were good to me. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: firsts, goodbyes, summer, trips Jazz/Happenings/Sleeping Problems, etc.}
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 | 6:48 PM | 0Comment  GREETINGS.
Here's some updates for you. The whole thing with Jazz was...okay. I mean, it wasn't awful or terrible, but it wasn't particularly great either. Like I said last entry, at the beginning, it was so weird between us. Before when we'd hang out, everything was comfortable and we always had a blast. This time, though, we were strangely quiet and mostly just watched TV at the beginning. And when we did talk, there was certain look on her face that made me feel like she was silently uninterested. Jazz has been hanging out with other people since the beginning of Junior year, and it shows. You know how sometimes the people you hang out with the most tend rub off on you? Well, the girl that Kaylee has been hanging out with (another Sarah, incidentally) is apparently her 'best friend' now. It was peculiar to me, considering how Jazz tended to go on and on about she hated this Sarah and thought she was insane, but in a year's time, they became best friends. But you never know who you can become friends with, I suppose. So, after we finally started to warm up to each other again, little things she did started to get on my nerves a bit. Like for one, we'd be sitting down and watching something, and then she'd suddenly get up and leave. Ten minutes later, I'd go downstairs and find her striking up a conversation with my parents. My parents. I understand that she likes my parents and all, and this would've been perfectly fine had she done it once. Well, she didn't. She did it FOUR TIMES. The first time was fine, but the rest gave me the impression that she thought I was boring. That my parents were better company than me. And throughout the night, people kept calling her, and not only did she answer all of these calls, but she would proceed to talk to these people for maybe 15-20 minutes at a time. I would get it if they were extremely important calls, but they were 3 of the same people, calling her over and over again, asking to hang out. They knew she was at my house, but they kept offering to come and pick her up to go hang out. To hell with me, I guess. This really grinded my gears. Then, there was the whole outdoor movie thing. We were supposed to go to this parking lot/lawn chair/outdoor movie thing with Best Friend Rose, mostly because I'm crap at planning and I accidentally planned to go to the movie thing and having Jazz come over at the same time. So, after I told Rosie about how I screwed up, she suggested that I bring Jazz to the movie thing and Jazz could just sleep over at my house afterwards. SHE suggested it! Not me! But when I told Jazz about it, she agreed, but didn't seem enthusiastic about it. So when the time comes for us to start getting ready so we can leave, Jazz looks outside and comments that it looks like it's going to rain. I look outside. Just some dark clouds, but we hadn't heard any thunder or anything. "Yeah," I say, and shrug. "But we should be okay." Because even if it rained at my house, it wouldn't have rained at the park where the movie is. Then, for the next ten minutes, Jazz keeps going on and on about the weather and the weather. So finally, I look up the weather. There was a rainstorm warning, but not for the part of down where the park is. So we would be okay. I tell Jazz. The storm, she moans, the storm. My mom pipes in with her complaining. Great. I text Rosie and ask if the movie coordination people are cancelling. She says they never cancel, says that one week it was pouring cats and dogs and the movie still went on. I tell Jazz that they aren't cancelling. "Can't we just go another time?" She asks. "I just really don't want to go anymore. I don't want to be there if it's raining." I'm somewhat disappointed, but what can I do? Drag her there? If she didn't want to go, she didn't want to go. I wasn't going to force her. So I tell her we can just watch movies at home, and then I text Rosie to tell her we can't make it. Her reaction is a bit unexpected. Me: Well now Jazz says she doesn't wanna go. Rosie: Well too bad. Me: Just because of the weather. But, what can you do. Rosie: It's (enter state here). It'll pass in like 10 minutes. Me: I know, right? It's just rain. And it's not even raining right now. Rosie: So you're not coming. And around this time, Rosie directly texts Jazz to ask her why we're not coming. This is obviously not going well. Me: No, because Jazz doesn't want to. Kind of annoyed, but oh well. Rosie: Well idk why you let her. Whoa whoa whoa, HOLD UP NOW, wait a second! How is this my fault now?! Me: Well it's not like I can force her to go if she doesn't wanna be in the rain. Plus, my parents listen to her too, and they're our ride. So. Pretty much no choice here. (How was this reasoning so irrational?!) At this time, Jazz told her why we weren't coming, and Rosie told her it wasn't even raining. Then, Jazz proceeded to respond with, 'Chill dude.' Oh. Oh. Oh snap. If I know anything about Rosie, (and trust me, I know EVERYTHING about her) I know that you NEVER tell her to calm down or she'll rip out your jugular with her bare hands. Even if you think you should tell her to calm down, you just don't do it. You're as good as dead if you tell her that. When Jazz told me she sent that, I mentally did a big giant facepalm. Almost immediately, I got this text: "Hahahaha she just told me, 'chill dude'. Wow." I could almost feel the rage tangibly coming through my phone's screen. I just sent, "Ugh, I'm sorry. This backfired. :(" and told Jazz to leave it alone. I wanted to wash my hands of it before it escalated any more. If I learned one thing from that whole experience it was that Best Friend Rose and Jazz just do not mix. I mean, it was somewhat like that before, but holy shit. I feel like if I ever locked them in a room together they would tear each other apart like fighting chickens. But the big problem is Jazz's attitude towards Rosie. Bad weather? Please. Internet, it didn't rain. Not once. Not even a little bit. And every time I would ask her if that was really why she didn't really want to go, she would get quiet. I get not liking someone. I totally get it. But to go out of your way to completely avoid them, even in events where you should maybe just grin and bear it? A bit childish, if you ask me. I recall talking to Jazz once about Rosie, and I asked her why she didn't like her. "She just seems conceited," she said. "And she acts like she hates me." My jaw dropped open. "She's definitely not conceited," I told her. "And she totally loves you!" Rosie is the complete and utter opposite of conceited. She's one of those annoyingly oblivious beautiful people that you'll say "You are SO gorgeous" to every single day and they still don't see it. And Rosie has NO PROBLEM with Jazz at all (until now, that is). This whole Rosie vs. Jazz thing? All in Jazz's head. Completely and totally. She's basically creating it where it never even existed in the first place, and it's so unnecessary. And Rosie's even told me that she liked Jazz, on countless occasions. And I've told this to Jazz on countless occasions. But part of me thinks that it's more than just that. Jazz has always been friends with more guys than girls, and I just have this feeling that she might have a complex with girly girls. And I get that, I do. When I was going through my middle school tomboy phase, and I only wore graphic t-shirts, baggy bermuda shorts, huge hoodies, and skater shoes (even though I didn't skateboard, although I did wear a lot of surf and skate brands. Poseur to the extreme.) I hated all the pretty girls in my school. I hated how they looked pretty in anything, and I hated how much attention they got from guys. But looking back, I only hated them because I was jealous. My self esteem was at its lowest at that time, and I felt like the ugly duckling whenever I was near them, so I avoided them whenever I could. In the sixth grade, I would come home every day and cry my eyes out. I hated school because everyday I had to see the pretty popular girls and see how ugly I was compared to them. So during this time, I basically became one of the boys. I hung out with the guys, started acting like them and talking like them, and guys liked talking to me because I was cool. I was chill. And being like this was comfortable for me. But at the end of the day the pretty girls were still the ones that got their attention. To this day, I still have some trouble identifying with my more feminine side every once in a while. Acting girly and pretty scared the crap out of me, mostly just because I didn't know how. There was a time when I wouldn't touch anything with flowers or lace on it with a ten foot pole, but I wear them all the time now. I'm more comfortable with expressing my femininity, and I'm happy I can. I'd even say that now I feel pretty. But sometimes I'll still see other gorgeous girls and I feel immediately inferior. Even though I'm much more confident in myself now, I'll probably always feel that jealous inferiority when I see confident, pretty girls because of that time in my life. And as for Jazz, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. When she was over, I remember telling her how I wore dresses more often in the summer (and I do, I have 8 sundresses just for super hot weather!) and she acted strangely, if not a bit weird-ed out. Then she said, "Ew, Sarah! Don't become one of those." I didn't answer, I was too offended to for a few seconds. What's so wrong with wearing dresses if I want to? I don't see any problem with it. Maybe Jazz thinks I'm becoming the type of girl she hates. And I really hope that I'm wrong, I really hope that I can give Jazz the benefit of the doubt and that she wouldn't judge me just for changing up my wardrobe. But at the moment, I don't know if I can. And it makes me sad. So. Besides that long, long night, I've been doing other stuff with Best Friend Rose. Together over the past few weeks we've gone to The Renaissance Fair again (this time we dressed in costumes! 80% more fun, trust me.) got more feather extensions, went to an actual drive-in movie with fresh pizzeria pizza and saw a double feature; Crazy Stupid Love (SUCH a cute movie. Loved it.) and Deathly Hallows pt. 2 (AGAIN--and I bawled my eyes out, AGAIN.), actually went to the park outdoor movie thing (Toy Story 3, and I cried again during THIS ONE TOO.), and I've been sleeping over at her house almost as often as I've slept at my own. AND, on Friday, we leave to a resort in the northern part of our state for the whole weekend for her birthday. Mind you, this is the first trip I've taken since I went to a fancy hotel with my parents in the next city over for a night in the 8th grade. Therefore, this is a BIG DEAL. I'm super excited for it, and it'll be a great way to see off my summer. (I start late next week. Despair.) I'll let you know how it goes! xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: fun stuff woohoo, jazz, life, near catastrophes, summer Summer Fun and Weddings}
Sunday, July 17, 2011 | 9:26 PM | 0Comment  Internet! It's been a while, hmm?Since the last time I updated, I've been living my summer to the fullest as possible. (Well, the fullest for me, at least.) I've made it a point to try new things this summer, even if they were really small new things. Things that I've done so far include:
One other thing I've done this summer was go to an old classmate's wedding. She isn't in my grade, she graduated 2010. She's 19, and I went to her wedding. Internet, I'm telling you. It was so surreal. I've known this girl since the summer after I was in the 5th grade. Pretty long. And I went to her wedding. Her and her (now) husband have been together for 4 years. I'd always see them in the school hallways together, in fact, I can never remember them apart, ever. Of course, as you can imagine, I was a bit skeptical when I first heard about the wedding. I mean, how many 19 year olds do you see getting married and having their marriage last? But it wasn't until I saw her walk down the aisle in that wedding dress that it really hit me that she loved this man enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him. Best Friend Rose and I cried like babies during that ceremony. I never cry at weddings, never. But hell, from the moment she walked out in her dress, we started crying. There was one moment during that wedding, one image from the ceremony that will probably be imprinted in my memory for a very long time: after lighting a unity candle together, this woman was singing a beautiful song for them, and they just stood together by the candle, facing each other and holding hands; gazing at each other with this look of pure joy that immediately made me burst into a new round of tears. Because if I could ever claim to have ever witnessed what young love looks like, real pure young love, that was it. The sight of it raised goosebumps on my skin, and it's something that I hope I never ever forget. It's crazy to think that I'm starting to get old enough now for people I know around my age starting to get married. Some are having kids too, but that's a whole other story. Well, in other news, I'm over Drew. Completely. Thank you guys for your comments and emails regarding everything, I really appreciated them, even though I didn't get to reply to all of them. I really was thisclose to confronting him about it, to asking him straight up, 'Look, did you like me or not? And if you did, why did you lose interest so fast?' But after thinking about it, I'd probably rather just look at what his actions told me instead. Also, after getting impatient with him before, asking him any kind of serious question at all at this point would most likely scare him off for good (not that I'd really mind either way, considering we're not talking anymore, but I don't need him telling his friends about the psycho he almost liked/dated.) Plus, Drew doesn't seem to like confrontation very much. Wouldn't want him to pee his pants in fright, now would we? (Yes we would.) Anyhow, I've already moved on, and it doesn't bother me so much anymore. That was that, and it's over now. It feels good to bounce back from something like this so quickly. Maybe it was because I didn't quite like him just yet, even though I was sure I was starting to. Maybe resolution #8 wasn't so useless after all. And as disappointing this whole deal turned out to be, I did learn from it. If anything, I can thank Drew for my first date, and for letting me remember what it's like to be excited about a boy again. I had begun to forget, it had been so long. Even if it didn't turn into anything, at least I had the experience at all. I'm ready to accomplish more this summer, Internet. Are you ready for this? xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: drew, love, summer, weddings Drew: A One-man Disappearing Act; Part 2/The Final Act}
Tuesday, June 28, 2011 | 7:36 PM | 3Comment  So, Internet.A few hours after the last entry, by that point, I had pretty much just had it, so I texted Drew. I had basically prepared myself for the worst, mostly because of his sudden weird and distant behavior. So, in my mind, things were most likely already finished. But I text him anyway. And the whole conversation goes slowly downhill with every passing message. It goes like this: Me: So, feeling any better? Oh-ho-kay. Well where do I start? Do I start with how he was so obviously uninterested in talking to me? Or should I start with how I practically had to dig for a compliment and he ended up insulting me instead? This is exactly why I don't think our little 'meeting' was a date at all. He hardly ever flirted with me before meeting me, and whenever he did it was usually just a ';)'. Which sometimes doesn't even count as flirting, in my opinion. And the one compliment he gave me before we met? That I looked like a chipmunk. Because of my cheeks. He claimed he didn't mean for it to be mean. Oh, really? Well I've only had a complex about my cheeks since the 6th grade, so thank you so much for that. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but it did bother me. A lot. And so after our 'meeting', he completely stopped initiating conversation. I mean, completely. I simply don't get how if he apparently liked my personality before we met (he had to have at least liked my personality, or else he wouldn't have wanted to meet me. At all.) how it could have gone so sour after meeting me face-to-face for the first time. I mean, my logic here: boy likes personality = boy likes appearance. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? Am I insane here for assuming?? And god forbid I actually be nervous meeting someone that I might like for the first time. This isn't like people who already know each other for a while going out for a date. This was my first time meeting him, ever. Why wouldn't I be nervous? CAN I JUST SAY: yes, I am awkward around new people. It can take me a while to warm up to people when I first meet them. Sometimes I don't know what to say to them, or how to start a conversation. But after I warm up to people, I'm just fine. I can act 100% myself, and I'm perfectly comfortable. Being shy is something that I've been consciously working on for a while. And so for someone--someone I don't even really know, in fact--to say that I was awkward, after only meeting me once for two hours, it was like a slap in the face. Plus, the 'awkward homeschooler' stereotype is something that very much irks me, which is why it bothered me even more. And it wasn't like he particularly did anything to make me comfortable with him. The whole time, he was either standing by me silently and staring at me with his hands in his pockets, walking off to go sit somewhere, or muttering something so quiet that sometimes I'd have to ask him to repeat himself. Hell, just the fact that he talked like Michael Cera could have been enough for me to throw back in his face. But did I do that? No. Because I knew he would most likely act differently once he opened up. I was willing to wait and see when that happened to really determine his personality. And it really really bothers me that he's not giving me that chance. That he either saw my awkwardness, my freaking chipmunk cheeks, or something else he didn't like that made him decide that talking to me wasn't even worth it anymore. So. Needless to say, I'm not texting him again. These past few days, I've just been trying to get over my anger about it all. I'm mostly over it now, but it still annoys me when I think about it. I had begun to like Drew because of his maturity and his general non-judgmental attitude about things, but I suppose that non-judgmental attitude of his didn't include my demeanor. But, hey. I'm not going to trip over someone that wasn't even that into me. I'd rather be involved with someone that likes me, and I mean really likes me, for me. All of me. So, Drew was a pretty big waste of my time. But at least I got a first date out of it. (I'll call it that, it makes me feel better.) And I can add that to my list of firsts this summer. Here's to more firsts to come! xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: drew, summer, well thats the end of that |
