There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Hey, Internet. So. This trip. Ready to hear more details?

First of all, it's this week. It's snuck up on me so quickly, I remember when it was still a month and a half away, and now it's this week. I can't believe it.

We're driving there, so we leave here on Wednesday morning, I believe. Then, we drive for two days until we reach Cali. We'll make it there (hopefully, if traffic allows) by noon Friday. Then we have the whole rest of that day to chill at our hotel and sleep and shower and stuff.

Then the next day, Saturday, starts the reason we go there: the convention. I won't name the convention by name 1: for anonymity's sake, 2: I don't want to advertise for them and 3: it's the only convention of its kind and really if you're curious you could easy Google it. But yes, it's a kpop and Korean culture 2-day convention, and this is where I'm meeting (some of) my long distance friends at.

And at the end of the second day of this convention is a kpop concert, my very very first kpop concert, and likely to be my very last because 1: it's very difficult to travel for these events, as they only happen in LA and NYC mostly, 2: it's very unlikely there will ever be one in my state as I'm right smack dab in the middle of the Midwest and the West Coast and my state doesn't even have a Koreatown or Chinatown or anything to the effect of that, and these things tend to only happen in areas with a high Asian population. Which is understandable. And 3: considering the expense this is costing us, and considering the last time I ever went on vacation was when I was 7 years old, unless things get a little better financially for us, there's just no way this will ever happen again.

Sorry, here come more lists. The biggest reasons I wanted to go in the first place:

1. My friends. Obviously. I'm totally excited and scared shitless to meet them. Part of me is scared that it will be a disaster, just like my date/hangout/whateverthehellthatcrapwas with Drew turned out to be. Part of me is scared that they'll think I was way cooler online than I am in real life. Part of me is scared that it'll just feel like I'm hanging out with strangers all day. In a way, it will be like I will be. But I'm not. Because I've talked to some of these girls for years, and we have a lot in common. So for all the things that I may not know about them, I will know the things we have in common and that we've known each other for a while. And that we're already friends. Shouldn't that be enough? I'm hoping it is. And I hope they like who they meet in person. ALSO, I warned them that I'll probably cry when I see them. Because that's totally likely, tbh. 
2. My favorite group. Also won't name them by name, just because I know you guys reading this most likely don't even listen to kpop anyway LMAO. So I won't bother! However: this group made their debut in April of 2012, and I have been following them closely and supporting them every step of the way. This in particular is very special to me, because I have never felt so emotionally attached and close to a band before. Especially with a kpop group. I admit, Tokio Hotel came really close, and I have felt attached to other kpop groups before. But to follow a group and to be a fan of a group from the very first day? That's never happened for me before. And I've been a fan before. But never a fan like this. You when people talk about bands they love, saying this band changed their life? Yeah. This is this band for me. And because this band is a kpop group, I never ever ever thought I would ever get the chance to see them in person, to see them in the flesh. And then, bam. They were the first artist announced for the lineup of this concert/convention. And at this point in time, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My dad recently started bringing home more money because he got a promotion, and my parents were already planning a trip to Georgia this summer when I brought up the convention. And my dad, who loves California, and who was unable to travel out of state in the past, just recently became able to travel just last month. See what I mean? Perfect timing.
3. My favorite...band member. From my favorite group. (WARNING: The weirdness levels here are off the chart. Believe me, this is something I rarely ever talk about, along with my long distance friends, because I realize how out there it is. However, since I've always been honest on here, I'm commited to that honesty. So if fan behavior freaks you out, be warned.) Basically...my Gerard Way. My John Lennon or Paul McCartney. My Michael Jackson. My Curt Kobain. Whomever you want to compare him to. The person who inspires me to be a better person every single day. The person I admire, worry about, and fall for all over again on a daily basis. The person that quite literally makes me believe that I am capable of loving someone, in whatever form that love may be. I don't know his whole personality of course, because obviously I don't know him personally, and I know he's not perfect, but that doesn't matter to me. What I feel about him is complicated, because I don't entirely know what it is myself. I could call him my celebrity crush, but that feels so lacking and shallow, to be quite honest. It's more than just that. When I'm sad, or I feel empty and lonely, I think about him, and watch interviews with him and watch videos of him performing, and it instantly makes me happy again and I forget why I was sad in the first place. When I feel unmotivated and lazy, I think about how hard he works every single day and how he never just gives up even when he's sick or injured and always gives his best, and it makes me want to give my best too. I've never met him, and I probably never will, and I will never ever know him the way all of his loved ones do, but that's okay. I've accepted that. But it still won't change the way he makes me feel. Just the fact that someone like him exists in this entire world is enough for me. Just seeing him smile is enough. And...I'm going to see him. In real life. This person, who means almost the whole world to me, who I had accepted long ago that I would never get to see in the flesh because he's famous and lives in Korea. But he's coming here. And I'm going to see him. I won't meet him, because the tier of the ticket I bought doesn't come with meet and greet passes for the artists (90 dollar ticket, btw. Most stressful experience ever buying that thing on Ticketmaster.), but that's okay too. Because I'll see him with my own eyes, and that alone means the entire world to me. This whole trip could suck, and it wouldn't matter, because I will have seen him. Something I never thought I would get to do.

Plus, here's the thing: I'm 20 years old. I know I'm not old--hell no I'm not, and nowhere near it--but I'm not a teenager anymore. Which means my time for behavior/hobbies/interests like this is very limited now. It's still acceptable now; I'm college age, I'm not in the working world yet and not out on my own yet. I'm still really young--but only for so long.

So I figure that if I want to pick any time to do this, it's now. I can't do shit like this anymore when I turn 27 lmfao, so I should just go all out and get it all out of my system now so I won't have the urge to when I'm old and it's inappropriate.

ALSO, AN UPSIDE: my friends are all in their twenties too, so I won't feel like this:

I'm actually the youngest out of all of them, so that's a comforting thought. Lmfao.

SO. Yes. I'm super super excited for this convention/concert. For all I know, I might not get the chance to go to something like this ever ever again, so this is a privilege that I will never ever forget.

Monday is basically our chilling day. We're just going to hang out all day. Our plans are to go shopping and then go to the beach, but we'll see how that holds up. I haven't been to the beach an even longer time, since I was 3, so that would be a surreal experience for me as well.

Then, on Tuesday morning, we leave, and we'll make it home Thursday around noon.

Here's the biggest thing of all, though: This is a very big deal to me. If I haven't made it clear, I have not been on a vacation with my family in a long time. The last time I went on one, again, I was 7 years old, and it was just with my mom--my dad couldn't come because he was working at home. And the past 2 years, I've barely left my house. I've gone on plenty of errands, yeah. I've gone to the movies, yeah. But compared to people who have school and jobs and leave every morning and come home every night? Yeah. I've barely left. So...this is a big step for me.

I've become somewhat (not professionally diagnosed, btw) agoraphobic, not purposely, I've just...gotten used to being in my house. All the time. And unfortunately, having no car and no license, and considering the area I live in, there's been no way to really change this habit of mine. I tried getting a job, but we all saw how that turned out. And I applied for community college again for this fall, got accepted, decided a major, and I've even gotten all the way to looking at classes to sign up for, but unfortunately, because of money and the timing of this trip, it doesn't look like it will be possible this time either.

So this trip....it means a lot to me. It's a big step for me. Leaving my house, and driving completely out of state, and meeting these girls that I've never even met in person before....it's a really really big step. Life changing, even. To me this is more than just a vacation. It's a turning point, one that I've needed for a while. It's a push in the right direction, a push to happiness.

So I'm terrified. I'm excited, but absolutely terrified.

Keep me in your thoughts, Internet. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me. This is something really scary for me and I'll need all the strength and courage I can get.

Meanwhile, I've been preparing best I can. I've been exercising even more, taking even better of my skin, eating even better and healthier than usual. I redyed my hair (did I mention I dyed my hair fire engine red at the beginning of June? No? Well, there ya go.) and got it done, and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed either tomorrow or Tuesday. SO, even if I won't be totally and completely emotionally prepared for the trip, at least I'll look good, lol.

If I don't get a chance to update before I leave for the trip, then expect a full on, novella length, Hopeless Romantic-rant style entry after I get back. I intend on writing about everything. EVERYTHING. Get ready.

Wish me luck, Internet. I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: california, fandom ish, friends, my michael, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, summer, trips

Hey Internet!

So I've been wanting to write this entry ever since I wrote my last one, but to be totally honest, I wasn't completely sure how to go about it. Especially considering the nature of the last entry, to be frank I needed to mull things over in my mind after I wrote it. Writing all of that out was kind of like...finalizing things for me. Like writing it out helped me straighten out all of my thoughts about it and helped clear my mind. You know?

So anyway, after writing about that, it made a few other things even clearer to me. Going through this thing with Rose has really made me consider this thought: What are 'true friends'?

First off, let me start here: Twitter.

I've had my twitter account since...shoot. How long? Since...January 2009. Yep. Jan 2009. And it's weird because when I first made my account, I rarely ever tweeted. Ever. And then maybe after 4 months of having it, I just picked it up. And I've been addicted ever since.

For about a year, I used it like every other normal, everyday person uses Twitter. Tweet about TV, tweet about food, tweet about movies, etc etc. And then, some time after that first year, I found fandom. Refer here.

Tokio Hotel was really my first fandom on Twitter. Then, I'd started talking to other fans around my age, and also other other people my age in general. Especially considering I'd first started online school around then, being able to talk to other people my age during my boring workweeks was something that was really great for me. Even when I was unable to meet my friends from my old school and hang out with them, my friends on Twitter were always there. All I had to do was log in to talk to someone when I was lonely. I think I'll always appreciate that.

Then, at some point, I started taking it even more seriously. Refer here.And here. Okay, maybe that was even a bit too seriously. But, hey. I was a sixteen year old. He was a hot guy on the Internet. Can ya blame me, really? (But seriously, looking back on it, I only ever talked to him on Twitter. So really, for all I know, he could have been Catfishing me. Ah, to be young and naive.)

So, yes. I have a long standing history with Twitter. (If you can call 4 years long.)

But what's interesting is: the past 2 years, it's become and even bigger part of my life. During my junior and senior years especially, after finding out about k-pop around April 2010, I spent even more of my time on Twitter. Junior year of HS was intense, and my relationships with the kids that I'd gone to my old school with and begun to get even more distant.

As more and more people from my old school moved on, I began to move on too, and I started to turn more to the Internet for my social interaction.

I mean...when you think about it, it makes sense. There I was, a kid in online school with not a lot of friends--therefore I turned to the Internet for friends, just like I had school on the Internet. Not so ridiculous, right? It honestly makes sense.

And the more I took it seriously, the more I took measures to make sure the people I was talking to really were real people (not that it was a term back then, but basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't being Catfished.) So I started adding these people on Facebook. And exchanging phone numbers. And by then, if I was totally positive that I could trust them, asking for addresses and sending cards and letters and getting them back.

So by then, they weren't just 'Twitter friends'. They were just...my friends. Long distance friends, maybe. Pen pals. But friends none the less.

And so going back to my previous entry for a second: After Rose had treated me that way on my birthday, it really put things into perspective for me. My other friends, my long distance friends that I talk to every single day, had made sure to tell me Happy Birthday. A few of them sent me cards in the mail. A few of them texted me right at midnight. A few of them posted on my Facebook wall. Some of them did all three. They did all of this without even having met me face to face, and without me even having to ask. They did it because they're my friends, and they knew it would make me happy.

Rose, who lives here, did none of that. Yes, she did go see a movie with me, but the day quickly turned into a date that I tagged along on. And she never texted me happy birthday, never called me, never posted a birthday message on my Wall, never even once TOLD me--TO MY FACE--Happy Birthday. Not once. And besides that day as an example, she talks to me maybe once a month--maybe twice if I'm lucky. This was the person I called my best friend.

This is why I was so upset by what Rose did. I think that maybe, after being treated that way by her for so long, I'd just gotten used to it over the years. But after seeing what kind of friends I could--and do--have, I realized that I deserve better.

I've never understood why people think that having online friends is weird. People have online (romantic) relationships all the time. (Even though I've definitely decided to avoid this for good now bc of reasons (coughcoughcoughDREWcoughcoughcough)) Also imo, online dating has lost most of its stigma that it had in the past and it's not even a weird thing now. So why is it so weird to some people that people make friends online too?

For introverted people like me, and especially people who were born in the modern age, it'd only make sense that a lot of our social interactions would be using technology. And meeting people this way is easier for me, because since I don't get out a lot (as sad as that is to admit, but I'm fully aware of it and accept it at this point lol) it's a good way for me to find people I can relate to. ESPECIALLY since where I live, my interests aren't very common interests, and it's hard to find people that I have stuff in common with.

But these girls...they've been there for me. Even though they're not physically there, they're there to talk when I need someone to talk to. When I'm upset, or just need to vent, they're there for me and I'm there for them too. When I need to laugh, they always make me laugh.

I've been hesitant to really talk about it here because I know how it sounds from the outside--it sounds weird. I know it does. And tons of people really honestly don't get the concept of people meeting friends and more online. But hey--look at all the questions I got about online high school. People thought that was weird too, and they didn't get it either, but it's okay.

We're friends. Even if we've never met before, it doesn't mean we're not real friends.

And I feel sorry for people that believe you can't make friends on the Internet, because even though there are some real assholes on the Internet, there are some wonderful, wonderful people--that live thousands of miles away--that I never would have known if it weren't for the Internet.

BUT. HERE'S THE THING. HERE'S THE BEST PART.

I get to meet some of them. At the end of this month. In California. Face to face.

Some of them I've only known for about a year or two...some of them I've talked to for years. YEARS. And I'm finally meeting them. Just a few weeks from now.

I'll go into detail about it in another entry because this is already getting long, and I don't want to leave anything out. But yes. It's happening.

Expect me to be blogging about this trip for a while, because it's a lot to wrap my mind around, and I need to collect my thoughts about it. But...yeah. Me. Hopeless Romantic. Sarah. Going out of state. Something I haven't done in 13 years.

And I'm going to finally--finally--hang out with friends.

Counting down the days.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: best friend rose, fandom ish, friends, rose, twitter

present me past me