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Back to Progress.}
Saturday, August 31, 2013 | 5:42 PM | 2Comment

Hey, Internet.

So, first things first, I want to apologize if I worried you guys with that last entry. I was feeling emotionally charged while I wrote it (hence the numerous typos and errors) and I wrote it on impulse on my phone. Plus, needless to say, I was upset, and I needed to rant. I really appreciate all of your encouraging words, and your concern. Thank you. I'm so sorry if I worried you guys!

SIGH. So. I think I should offer a little more explanation after the fact other than just "ugh i'm such a loser mY LIFE IS OVER JHSFDJHFSD". So here goes.

Basically, this is what happened: Less than a week before we were set to leave, somebody in the IRS or someplace like that (I'm still iffy on the details of taxes and all that stuff) found a huge, unpaid sum from years back that my dad forgot to pay, and decided "HEY, now would be the perfect time to take money from this guy!" so they took $600~ from my dad's paycheck.
Mind you, we are not well off financially at all, and my dad had worked double his hours just so we could get the money to go on our trip from that paycheck.

That $600~ was our hotel money, along with most of our gas money to get us there. All gone. And the time that we were set to leave for the trip, would be right before my dad was to get his next paycheck, which would not be on time, and even if it was on time, it would not be nearly enough.

So, yeah. No money,  no trip. And that was that.

The day that I wrote my last entry, Monday, was the day my dad had told me. I had spent two hours before that picking out clothes for the trip. 8 tops, 7 bottoms, including shorts and skirts. My bathing suit for the beach. A cardigan, just in case. I hadn't decided on my shoes yet, but as it turns out, that was for the best anyway. And, lazy ass that I am, I hadn't even started packing yet. Which was also good in the end I guess.

Yeah. I was...well, devastated. I told all my friends that night too, and they were just as upset as I was. They offered me encouraging words as well, which didn't help but I still appreciated them none the less. And then I logged off and lapsed into a sad, teary, catatonic coma for three days.

Granted, the next morning I started my period lol, so then at least I had an excuse to lie in bed and cry and be miserable for a few days. When I wasn't crying, sleeping or zoning out, I watched movies. That's all I really remember, which is kind of unsettling, but that's how I usually spend my periods anyway, minus the complete misery. I didn't even touch the Internet, which is also unsettling.

But eventually, by Thursday, I was feeling slightly better physically and emotionally, so I got up and tried to function as a normal human being again. I got back on Twitter as usual, reassuring my friends that I was okay, because they were worried when I didn't come online for 3 days straight (a true rarity for me).

The days of the convention and the concert, I spent it like I had spent them last year, on the Internet, waiting for live updates from my friends that were there. I think I actually handled it pretty well, to be honest. I think the mourning period was necessary for me, and in the end I still wanted to be happy for my friends that got to go. So other than the occasional, moderate pangs of jealousy that hit me every once in a while, which I kept to myself, I did okay.

I think the hardest part for me was knowing that above all, my favorite band, that at some point I thought I was going to get to see, was finally in the same country as me, something that rarely ever happens for foreign groups like this.
And they were still thousands of miles away from me, and there was nothing I could possibly do to see them. Before, when they're in Korea or China and I can't see them, it really sucks but it's not like there's anything I can do about it anyway. But when they're here? In America? And going to see them is more reasonable? And when I was doing to see them, had the ticket to go see them, and it was taken from me? Yeah. That's pure and utter shit.

Especially when it was my favorite. My Michael. Michael isn't his name, but I'm going to call him My Michael because when I described him I called him my Michael Jackson, and he loves and idolizes Michael Jackson, so I'm going to call him that. My Michael was here. He was here, and I swore that I would do anything to see him. Bought a ticket, for a concert in California, to try and get the chance to see him. And then it blew up in my face.

You know, I kept thinking, in the time leading up to the trip, that I wouldn't even need to talk to him. I just wanted to see him, once. Once in my lifetime. To see him once, in the flesh, would be enough for me. I would never need to talk to him or touch him or anything. If I could just see this person that I love so much, it would be enough. I would never even need to see him again. I would have been content with just that.

Also, I never touched on this before, but much much earlier this year, in January, I bought him a birthday present. I swear to God, I did. I'm a member of one of his Korean fansites, and this fansite was organizing a birthday event where people could send gifts and letters to the leader of this fansite and she would deliver them to his company's building all together on his birthday in one giant supergift. Korean fans are srs bsns, man. They're like a corporation, I'm telling you.

So yeah. I bought him a gift. Nothing extravagant or fancy or expensive, just something small I could afford. I found two cool handmade graphic t-shirts on Etsy for less than $20, with two cool designs that I thought he would like, and in his favorite colors. Then, I hand wrote a short but sweet fan letter, in Korean (which took me forEVER to translate correctly with the help of my friend who's semi-fluent, then took another millennium to practice writing the characters at least 20 times each just so I could get them right) and put it in the package too, and then sent it with love to Korea.

My fan gift, along with my labor-of-love letter, never made it to Korea. I don't know what happened to it. I tracked the package, and it showed it leaving America via Los Angeles, and then after that, ziltch. Nada. You can't track foreign packages going to Korea once it leaves your country, apparently. So it never arrived. Maybe it fell off of the airplane and fell into the ocean, where a shark ate it. WHO KNOWS.

But yeah. At this point I'm just like, WELL, JESUS. Maybe I'm never meant to ever make any form of contact with this man. Just, ever. The universe, fate, stars, what have you, clearly want to keep this from happening. Fan gift? NOPE. UNACCEPTABLE. Concert ticket? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Sigh. So, that's another reason I was so upset. But hey. At least now I know never to try to send a package to Korea again.

There are a few things I'm relieved to have avoided last weekend, however.

Apparently the convention was a disaster. This year was the second year of this convention running, ever, so yeah, they still had some kinks to work out. Last year I remember hearing it was DREADFUL, and unfortunately, I haven't heard much different this year. For instance, people that paid for the most expensive tickets, the tickets with meet and greet passes, artist autograph session passes, etc etc etc, essentially didn't get any of that. They got special access to getting a pass to sit in the audience during a Q&A session, and a red carpet thingy, and that's it. They canceled the meet and greet, and they canceled the signing thing and instead gave the audience already-signed slips of paper. So they paid hundreds of dollars for a ticket where they basically didn't get what they paid for. Ahem.

At least I didn't fork out the money for one of those tickets, but I feel bad for those who did. Aside from getting first row at the concert, they were ripped off. Most people who I've talked to who went said the convention was terribad. Hearing stuff like this, it made me almost...relieved. And I think all of this is what helped ease my earlier upset and jealousy. From what I heard, I didn't miss much. Which is a relief.

The only thing I'm still pretty jealous of was the concert. I heard that was the best part, and that it was amazing. And from the fan videos I've seen from it, I'd have to agree. BUT, if I had gone to the concert, I would have missed something else great going on that night-- THE NSYNC REUNION PERFORMANCE. Yes, it was like 2 seconds. I DON'T CARE. It made my whole night. NSYNC is basically the reason I'm still in love with boybands, at age 20. I still listen to their Celebrity album on a weekly basis. It is that serious.

SO. If I had missed that reunion, I would have been pretty upset. Even if it was for my favorite band now. And that completely made me forget I had been missing the concert, for at least an hour. How NSYNC can still manage to make me so happy, even ten years later, is beyond me. I felt like I was 10 again.

Sorry, getting off topic again. ANYWAY.

In retrospect, I guess I dodged a few bullets. And maybe it was better that I never went. Also on the brighter side, I sold my ticket to someone else that had the means to go, so I hope they had a good time (at the concert, anyway.) And with the money I got back from my ticket, I bought something that I've been wanting for a while. So there you go. With every door that closes, another opens, silver lining, and so on and so forth.

Even though I lost this opportunity, and also the opportunity to start community college this fall, I'm looking towards other opportunities. I'm starting my job search again, and I'm looking at a local scrapbooking store that might be a nice place to work. I'm submitting my application next week, so we'll see.

Also, my parents have felt so guilty about the trip falling through, that they sat me down and promised me--promised--that the next available kpop concert I want to go to, they'll definitely let me go, and that they're going to help me start saving up immediately.

That's another reason for the job search--money. Because this last minute money issue thing isn't happening again, not if I can help it, and I certainly can. And if this scrapbook store doesn't hire me, I'll search elsewhere.

From big steps to new steps. That's what everyone has to do at some point, right? I can't give up. I won't give up. I can do this.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

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Big steps.}
Sunday, August 18, 2013 | 7:38 PM | 0Comment

Hey, Internet. So. This trip. Ready to hear more details?

First of all, it's this week. It's snuck up on me so quickly, I remember when it was still a month and a half away, and now it's this week. I can't believe it.

We're driving there, so we leave here on Wednesday morning, I believe. Then, we drive for two days until we reach Cali. We'll make it there (hopefully, if traffic allows) by noon Friday. Then we have the whole rest of that day to chill at our hotel and sleep and shower and stuff.

Then the next day, Saturday, starts the reason we go there: the convention. I won't name the convention by name 1: for anonymity's sake, 2: I don't want to advertise for them and 3: it's the only convention of its kind and really if you're curious you could easy Google it. But yes, it's a kpop and Korean culture 2-day convention, and this is where I'm meeting (some of) my long distance friends at.

And at the end of the second day of this convention is a kpop concert, my very very first kpop concert, and likely to be my very last because 1: it's very difficult to travel for these events, as they only happen in LA and NYC mostly, 2: it's very unlikely there will ever be one in my state as I'm right smack dab in the middle of the Midwest and the West Coast and my state doesn't even have a Koreatown or Chinatown or anything to the effect of that, and these things tend to only happen in areas with a high Asian population. Which is understandable. And 3: considering the expense this is costing us, and considering the last time I ever went on vacation was when I was 7 years old, unless things get a little better financially for us, there's just no way this will ever happen again.

Sorry, here come more lists. The biggest reasons I wanted to go in the first place:

  1. My friends. Obviously. I'm totally excited and scared shitless to meet them. Part of me is scared that it will be a disaster, just like my date/hangout/whateverthehellthatcrapwas with Drew turned out to be. Part of me is scared that they'll think I was way cooler online than I am in real life. Part of me is scared that it'll just feel like I'm hanging out with strangers all day. In a way, it will be like I will be. But I'm not. Because I've talked to some of these girls for years, and we have a lot in common. So for all the things that I may not know about them, I will know the things we have in common and that we've known each other for a while. And that we're already friends. Shouldn't that be enough? I'm hoping it is. And I hope they like who they meet in person. ALSO, I warned them that I'll probably cry when I see them. Because that's totally likely, tbh. 
  2. My favorite group. Also won't name them by name, just because I know you guys reading this most likely don't even listen to kpop anyway LMAO. So I won't bother! However: this group made their debut in April of 2012, and I have been following them closely and supporting them every step of the way. This in particular is very special to me, because I have never felt so emotionally attached and close to a band before. Especially with a kpop group. I admit, Tokio Hotel came really close, and I have felt attached to other kpop groups before. But to follow a group and to be a fan of a group from the very first day? That's never happened for me before. And I've been a fan before. But never a fan like this. You when people talk about bands they love, saying this band changed their life? Yeah. This is this band for me. And because this band is a kpop group, I never ever ever thought I would ever get the chance to see them in person, to see them in the flesh. And then, bam. They were the first artist announced for the lineup of this concert/convention. And at this point in time, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My dad recently started bringing home more money because he got a promotion, and my parents were already planning a trip to Georgia this summer when I brought up the convention. And my dad, who loves California, and who was unable to travel out of state in the past, just recently became able to travel just last month. See what I mean? Perfect timing.
  3. My favorite...band member. From my favorite group. (WARNING: The weirdness levels here are off the chart. Believe me, this is something I rarely ever talk about, along with my long distance friends, because I realize how out there it is. However, since I've always been honest on here, I'm commited to that honesty. So if fan behavior freaks you out, be warned.) Basically...my Gerard Way. My John Lennon or Paul McCartney. My Michael Jackson. My Curt Kobain. Whomever you want to compare him to. The person who inspires me to be a better person every single day. The person I admire, worry about, and fall for all over again on a daily basis. The person that quite literally makes me believe that I am capable of loving someone, in whatever form that love may be. I don't know his whole personality of course, because obviously I don't know him personally, and I know he's not perfect, but that doesn't matter to me. What I feel about him is complicated, because I don't entirely know what it is myself. I could call him my celebrity crush, but that feels so lacking and shallow, to be quite honest. It's more than just that. When I'm sad, or I feel empty and lonely, I think about him, and watch interviews with him and watch videos of him performing, and it instantly makes me happy again and I forget why I was sad in the first place. When I feel unmotivated and lazy, I think about how hard he works every single day and how he never just gives up even when he's sick or injured and always gives his best, and it makes me want to give my best too. I've never met him, and I probably never will, and I will never ever know him the way all of his loved ones do, but that's okay. I've accepted that. But it still won't change the way he makes me feel. Just the fact that someone like him exists in this entire world is enough for me. Just seeing him smile is enough. And...I'm going to see him. In real life. This person, who means almost the whole world to me, who I had accepted long ago that I would never get to see in the flesh because he's famous and lives in Korea. But he's coming here. And I'm going to see him. I won't meet him, because the tier of the ticket I bought doesn't come with meet and greet passes for the artists (90 dollar ticket, btw. Most stressful experience ever buying that thing on Ticketmaster.), but that's okay too. Because I'll see him with my own eyes, and that alone means the entire world to me. This whole trip could suck, and it wouldn't matter, because I will have seen him. Something I never thought I would get to do.
WHEW. That feels good to finally get that off of my chest. You don't know how long I've wanted to talk about #3 up there. A year, basically. I've felt like this for a year. And again, I apologize for the weirdness. I know it's weird, I fully and freely admit it is. And it's foolish. But it is what it is. 


Plus, here's the thing: I'm 20 years old. I know I'm not old--hell no I'm not, and nowhere near it--but I'm not a teenager anymore. Which means my time for behavior/hobbies/interests like this is very limited now. It's still acceptable now; I'm college age, I'm not in the working world yet and not out on my own yet. I'm still really young--but only for so long.

So I figure that if I want to pick any time to do this, it's now. I can't do shit like this anymore when I turn 27 lmfao, so I should just go all out and get it all out of my system now so I won't have the urge to when I'm old and it's inappropriate.

ALSO, AN UPSIDE: my friends are all in their twenties too, so I won't feel like this:

I'm actually the youngest out of all of them, so that's a comforting thought. Lmfao.

SO. Yes. I'm super super excited for this convention/concert. For all I know, I might not get the chance to go to something like this ever ever again, so this is a privilege that I will never ever forget.

Monday is basically our chilling day. We're just going to hang out all day. Our plans are to go shopping and then go to the beach, but we'll see how that holds up. I haven't been to the beach an even longer time, since I was 3, so that would be a surreal experience for me as well.

Then, on Tuesday morning, we leave, and we'll make it home Thursday around noon.

Here's the biggest thing of all, though: This is a very big deal to me. If I haven't made it clear, I have not been on a vacation with my family in a long time. The last time I went on one, again, I was 7 years old, and it was just with my mom--my dad couldn't come because he was working at home. And the past 2 years, I've barely left my house. I've gone on plenty of errands, yeah. I've gone to the movies, yeah. But compared to people who have school and jobs and leave every morning and come home every night? Yeah. I've barely left. So...this is a big step for me.

I've become somewhat (not professionally diagnosed, btw) agoraphobic, not purposely, I've just...gotten used to being in my house. All the time. And unfortunately, having no car and no license, and considering the area I live in, there's been no way to really change this habit of mine. I tried getting a job, but we all saw how that turned out. And I applied for community college again for this fall, got accepted, decided a major, and I've even gotten all the way to looking at classes to sign up for, but unfortunately, because of money and the timing of this trip, it doesn't look like it will be possible this time either.

So this trip....it means a lot to me. It's a big step for me. Leaving my house, and driving completely out of state, and meeting these girls that I've never even met in person before....it's a really really big step. Life changing, even. To me this is more than just a vacation. It's a turning point, one that I've needed for a while. It's a push in the right direction, a push to happiness.

So I'm terrified. I'm excited, but absolutely terrified.

Keep me in your thoughts, Internet. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me. This is something really scary for me and I'll need all the strength and courage I can get.

Meanwhile, I've been preparing best I can. I've been exercising even more, taking even better of my skin, eating even better and healthier than usual. I redyed my hair (did I mention I dyed my hair fire engine red at the beginning of June? No? Well, there ya go.) and got it done, and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed either tomorrow or Tuesday. SO, even if I won't be totally and completely emotionally prepared for the trip, at least I'll look good, lol.

If I don't get a chance to update before I leave for the trip, then expect a full on, novella length, Hopeless Romantic-rant style entry after I get back. I intend on writing about everything. EVERYTHING. Get ready.

Wish me luck, Internet. I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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