There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
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Labels: best friend rose, health, letters, rose, secrets

All right, Internet.

Getting back into the swing of things, let's talk about some things that I haven't talked about in a while (or just touched on briefly). Since we have so much to catch up on, I'm going to split all these updates into separate entries over the next week or so, so I don't end up with one giant update post the size of Webster's English dictionary.

First things first: Rose. (Formerly Best Friend Rose.)

As I briefly mentioned before, we don't speak anymore. Or, more accurately, I don't speak to her anymore.

She's reached out to me several times on Facebook (albeit shallowly--it's never been anything more than something to the effect of "Hope you're well, I miss you!" and maybe a compliment if she's commenting on a picture), and the most I've done is liked the comment or post.

The last time I responded to something she sent me was last year, on the 4th of July, when she texted me for the first time in 7 months to ask if I wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival, just me and her.

It would've been the first time we'd gone together since the wonderful summer of 2011, when we'd gone twice (once in costume) and obsessively got feather extensions.

It felt significant, because it was her first real attempt to hang out with me since the time we hung out after the disaster that was my 20th birthday. I politely declined, because the day she suggested was when we would have out-of-state relatives here, but suggested that maybe we could do something else another time soon, and I would let her know when I was free. She replied, saying she'd wait for when I was free.

For me to even offer to hang out some other time was huge, because before this, I had basically made up my mind to never see her again. But a conversation I'd had with Kenneth on our date had somewhat inspired me. I'd told him about the situation I had with her, and how long we had been friends.

He'd suggested to me that I try to talk with her and explain why I felt so upset with her--and he'd told me that it's hard to reconcile with people, especially after you've been hurt, but sometimes those people that you go to school with will end up being some of your closest friends later on in life. There was a lot of truth in what he said, and needless to say, that conversation made me wonder if maybe breaking away from Rose was a mistake. And when Rose texted me not too long after that date, I wondered if it was some sort of sign that maybe I should talk to her face to face.

On the day that she originally suggested we hang out, she ended up going to the Renaissance Festival anyway, with another girl named Sarah that she worked with, as if I needed anything else to make me feel lousy.

It took me a long time to muster up the courage, but two and a half weeks later, I texted her first, asking her if she maybe wanted to have lunch later on that week (just to give me a few days to prepare emotionally for what would probably make or break our reconcile).

I received no response.

After wondering if maybe she'd gotten a new phone and cleared her contacts, I checked her Facebook to see if she'd mentioned anything like that happening. Nope. She still had the same number. I checked my phone, double checking to see that the message had really been sent. It had.

I don't know why, but this blow was just...devastating.

In a way, I couldn't help but feel like she was trying to punish me. For not immediately saying yes to her original plan to hang out, and for not talking to her. Because that's something that she used to do to me, and it made me miserable.

This was the last effort I was putting in to rescue our friendship from the shambles it had crumbled into, after months of anger and sadness and loss, the last hope that I had to get my best friend back. And it went completely ignored, not even dignified with a reply.

After this, I knew that I couldn't afford suffering through any more heartbreak caused by this person who used to be like a sister to me. This was the final straw. After this, I stopped trying altogether. After this, I knew that living a life without her in it in the future would make me a happier and stronger person.

A few months after this happened, a weird period of time passed where she and her sisters and mom started liking and commenting on everything I posted on Facebook. Her mom even posted this really old picture of me and Rose on my wall for Throwback Thursday, from freshman year of high school (which immediately horrified me because I was making a duck face and my hair looked awful and I didn't know what good makeup looked like yet and UGH). This sort of thing probably would have worked on Past Sarah, who was insecure and craved any sort of positive attention at all, even if it was just stupid likes on Facebook.

But not me now. If anything, it just weirded me out and confused me. In these comments, they all acted as if everything was normal and we were all still close. That's the exact sort of phony shit that I cannot stand, from anybody. And they just kept doing it.

The only ones I'd respond to would be from one of her sisters and her mom, because to be honest I have no issue with them. They didn't do anything to me, and they were there for me like my own family at times, so I can't bring myself to avoid them still.

As for Rose...the likes and comments have slowed down some, but she's persisted. I think she's finally understood that I'm angry at her and that she's probably lost me for good this time.

She broke up with Holly* earlier this year, and from what I could tell from passive-aggressive status updates, it wasn't an amicable split. Though, if you ask me, it never seemed like much of a healthy relationship to begin with.

Her dad eventually found out about them, by the way, and it wasn't pretty. And by that I mean he went totally nutso. I mean batshit Bible-thumping crazy. I only heard about this through my dad who talked to her mom sometime towards the end of last year, but apparently her dad went ballistic when he first found out, then for months afterwards refused to speak with her. The only form of communication he ever had with her was sending daily Bible verses and telling her how she was going to hell for being bi.

Yeah. Awful. And totally freaking insane. I don't even know if they've talked recently, or made up, but despite the situation between us, I felt bad for her. And I lost even more respect for her dad. If I ever see him again, it'll be too soon.

Also, she's a bartender now. Dropped out of college. Made a new bar-going friend who apparently has a taste for sexist and racist jokes (as I discovered upon taking a glance at her Facebook). Still is a terrible judge of character, I see.

The more days go by, the less I recognize her, and the less I miss her. The person I miss is who she was in the past, someone she can probably never be again. I don't blame her for changing, because hell, we all change. But it seems that the way she's changed and the way I've changed have completely destroyed everything we once had in common as friends. Clearing the air may be possible, but I don't think friendship is possible anymore.

I've written a letter to her to air all of my feelings out (like the ones I've written to Jazz and Ricky Bobby, twice now). I'm going to post it here after I make some edits to make it sound less...bitter and angry. Even though I kind of still am. But there are parts of the letter that are petty, so I could stand to fix it up a bit.

I may or may not send it to her, although what I've learned in the past (from sending Jazz's letter to her) is that sometimes airing out and spilling everything you feel at once doesn't always go over so well, and can get messy.

Which is the same reason that I've, for now, decided not to send Ricky Bobby the new letter.

I talked about it with a friend of mine (who has way more boy experience than me), and she strongly suggested that I don't send it. She said that guys take even the smallest emotions from girls and blow them way out of proportion, so if I unloaded all of that on him in one emotional letter, he would probably think I was crazy, and it probably wouldn't give me closure at all. And after thinking about it, I realized that she was right. I was so riled up with emotion from writing the letter that I think I didn't even stop to consider what consequences might actually come from it. I'm really glad that I decided to talk about it with someone first, because I could have really made a mistake.

I've still been thinking about everything, but my worries and regrets have eased a little since writing the letter and getting it all off my chest. It hasn't completely gone away, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

So, okay! That's all I have to offer for this update.

First update entry down, at least one more to go! In the next one, I intend on talking about what I did for my birthday this year (but it wasn't all that fun, so don't get too excited).

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: best friend rose, facebook problems, growing up, kenneth, rose, updates

Internet!!

So. I wasn't quite sure where to start with writing about all the things that have changed since I last wrote. I mean just...a lot of things have changed. A lot.

First things first...I live in a new house.

Yup. We moved. ONCE AGAIN. And this time, it's in a house with just me, my mom, and my dad (and dog). You might recall that I've lived with my grandma and young cousins for...well, as long as I've had this blog. Since the 8th grade. Basically my grandma moved into us to help us pay rent, because we could barely afford ours and she could barely afford hers, and it would be much easier for all of us if we lived together.

But after a while the dynamic in the house shifted--soon my grandma refused to help pay rent and the utility bill, and the pressure was on my parents to pay all of it. So as you can imagine, that actually made our financial situation worse. We have been very very tight on money, barely living paycheck to paycheck, for years now.

And aside from money, none of us had been very happy with living together for the past year or so. There had always kind of been tension, especially between my mom and my grandma (my dad's mother), but in 2013 it came to a head multiple times. Someone was always arguing or yelling at each other, or my cousins were always getting into mischief, leaving us to clean after them. And worst of all, for me, was that my grandma was always inviting people we didn't know over to our house without telling us. There had been many a time when a stranger would come over and I'd be in my pajamas in the living room, bed hair and all. Not only humiliating but also annoying when said stranger comes over again, sees me again but in daytime clothes, and would say, "Oh, you got dressed today!"

So around Christmas time, when we discovered that we would have to move soon because the landlord wanted to sell the house, I confronted Mom about possibly moving into separate houses now, and she could not agree more with me. So that led to both of us confronting Dad about it, and then him confronting Grandma, and well...here we are.

It took some convincing on her end, however. Until she realized that she wanted her own house again too, haha. Then we helped her find a house, and we found our new house. And it all worked out!

And here's the most hilarious part of it...we moved next door to our old house. HAHA. Literally one house over.

We were having such a hard time trying to find a place, and then we found out that the house next door was up for rent, so we looked...and it was perfect. Funny how stuff like that works out, isn't it?

SO. The new house. Just a two story, a main floor and a basement. And the entire basement is mine. Main/living space, my bedroom, my own bathroom with a door right to it from my room, and a WALK IN CLOSET.

I've never in my life had a bathroom connected to my bedroom, or a walk in closet. And as it's in the basement, it's quiet, and just as cool as I like it to be in my room. In all honesty, it's the best room I've ever had, and that includes the room I had in middle school where I had my own deck outside.

The only downside: the bugs. Inevitable for any basement, I think. We've been trying our best to keep them away, although there have been some pretty bad incidents (one includes a giant spider on the toilet paper in the bathroom, which I accidentally touched when it fell INTO MY HAND. Will never look at toilet paper the same way. Scarred for life.)  but we're working on it.

But the pros far outweigh the cons, and my stress levels have gone down significantly since moving. I think they have for all of us, even my grandma and cousins. And when we miss each other, we visit each other's houses for a few hours, and then we go home. To separate houses. And live peacefully how we want. Such a relief, I cannot even tell you.

So since we've moved to the new house, we've been very busy trying to get everything organized and looking presentable (or somewhat presentable) and my main area down here only has a folding chair, 3 bookshelves, and a TV in it, lol. But babysteps! We'll get it together eventually.

Aside from the house, some other things have changed for me as well.

• Me and Rose do not speak anymore, aside from the occasional Instagram comment or Facebook comment she leaves me. Which I'll sometimes respond to. 
• Me and Jazz don't speak anymore either, except for the time in January when I helped her out at her salon school by being a hair model (where I made the mistake of letting her chop off WAY too much of it, ack!) She was supposed to graduate her salon school in March, and I'm assuming she still did, but getting caught up with moving and my birthday, I didn't hear about it. She also somewhat recently deleted her Facebook, and as I only have her number now, I don't know what she's up to these days. Kinda sad about that, because she was the only person aside from family that lived here that really acted like she cared about me, but what can you do. 
•  Turned 21 (notice the change in the blog title!!!) in March, and I've since been enjoying an occasional drink here and there. My first alcoholic drink, on my birthday at the restaurant we went to, was a glass of Sangria, which I enjoyed so much that I drank my mom's afterwards as well. Got a little tipsy, and got my first hangover the day afterwards (hit me like a ton of bricks, good lord). I've also learned I enjoy mixed drinks, that I should not mix alcohols and that I should stay away from margaritas for a while because tequila is the devil. (Learned that two weeks ago at a Mexican restaurant, drank all of my Sangria and then thought it was a brilliant idea to drink the rest of my mom's margarita right afterwards. Threw it all up in the restaurant bathroom literally 5 minutes after finishing it. Not my brightest moment. But it tasted like a slushie! I thought I'd be fine!) So yeah, still learning. I didn't have any experience drinking in high school like most people so it might take me a while to get used to it and build up my tolerance.
• Started a diet. Now, before anything else, I want to clarify: I'm not doing it to lose weight. I've been eating a crap ton of fast food and other processed food the past 5 months or so, and I need to detox. I'd started feeling truly awful and so unhealthy because of it, so I decided to start a reasonable diet. I started this diet, the paleo diet, at the beginning of this month, so it's literally super recent. Some days I really enjoy it, others I want to put my fist through a window and then eat an entire block of cheese. But thankfully, I gave myself Saturday and Sunday to eat all the junk I want, and during my diet days I allow myself greek yogurt and hummus because I would miss them way too much.

Labels: birthday, change, firsts, health, jazz, job stuff, rose, shenanigans

Hey Internet!

So I've been wanting to write this entry ever since I wrote my last one, but to be totally honest, I wasn't completely sure how to go about it. Especially considering the nature of the last entry, to be frank I needed to mull things over in my mind after I wrote it. Writing all of that out was kind of like...finalizing things for me. Like writing it out helped me straighten out all of my thoughts about it and helped clear my mind. You know?

So anyway, after writing about that, it made a few other things even clearer to me. Going through this thing with Rose has really made me consider this thought: What are 'true friends'?

First off, let me start here: Twitter.

I've had my twitter account since...shoot. How long? Since...January 2009. Yep. Jan 2009. And it's weird because when I first made my account, I rarely ever tweeted. Ever. And then maybe after 4 months of having it, I just picked it up. And I've been addicted ever since.

For about a year, I used it like every other normal, everyday person uses Twitter. Tweet about TV, tweet about food, tweet about movies, etc etc. And then, some time after that first year, I found fandom. Refer here.

Tokio Hotel was really my first fandom on Twitter. Then, I'd started talking to other fans around my age, and also other other people my age in general. Especially considering I'd first started online school around then, being able to talk to other people my age during my boring workweeks was something that was really great for me. Even when I was unable to meet my friends from my old school and hang out with them, my friends on Twitter were always there. All I had to do was log in to talk to someone when I was lonely. I think I'll always appreciate that.

Then, at some point, I started taking it even more seriously. Refer here.And here. Okay, maybe that was even a bit too seriously. But, hey. I was a sixteen year old. He was a hot guy on the Internet. Can ya blame me, really? (But seriously, looking back on it, I only ever talked to him on Twitter. So really, for all I know, he could have been Catfishing me. Ah, to be young and naive.)

So, yes. I have a long standing history with Twitter. (If you can call 4 years long.)

But what's interesting is: the past 2 years, it's become and even bigger part of my life. During my junior and senior years especially, after finding out about k-pop around April 2010, I spent even more of my time on Twitter. Junior year of HS was intense, and my relationships with the kids that I'd gone to my old school with and begun to get even more distant.

As more and more people from my old school moved on, I began to move on too, and I started to turn more to the Internet for my social interaction.

I mean...when you think about it, it makes sense. There I was, a kid in online school with not a lot of friends--therefore I turned to the Internet for friends, just like I had school on the Internet. Not so ridiculous, right? It honestly makes sense.

And the more I took it seriously, the more I took measures to make sure the people I was talking to really were real people (not that it was a term back then, but basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't being Catfished.) So I started adding these people on Facebook. And exchanging phone numbers. And by then, if I was totally positive that I could trust them, asking for addresses and sending cards and letters and getting them back.

So by then, they weren't just 'Twitter friends'. They were just...my friends. Long distance friends, maybe. Pen pals. But friends none the less.

And so going back to my previous entry for a second: After Rose had treated me that way on my birthday, it really put things into perspective for me. My other friends, my long distance friends that I talk to every single day, had made sure to tell me Happy Birthday. A few of them sent me cards in the mail. A few of them texted me right at midnight. A few of them posted on my Facebook wall. Some of them did all three. They did all of this without even having met me face to face, and without me even having to ask. They did it because they're my friends, and they knew it would make me happy.

Rose, who lives here, did none of that. Yes, she did go see a movie with me, but the day quickly turned into a date that I tagged along on. And she never texted me happy birthday, never called me, never posted a birthday message on my Wall, never even once TOLD me--TO MY FACE--Happy Birthday. Not once. And besides that day as an example, she talks to me maybe once a month--maybe twice if I'm lucky. This was the person I called my best friend.

This is why I was so upset by what Rose did. I think that maybe, after being treated that way by her for so long, I'd just gotten used to it over the years. But after seeing what kind of friends I could--and do--have, I realized that I deserve better.

I've never understood why people think that having online friends is weird. People have online (romantic) relationships all the time. (Even though I've definitely decided to avoid this for good now bc of reasons (coughcoughcoughDREWcoughcoughcough)) Also imo, online dating has lost most of its stigma that it had in the past and it's not even a weird thing now. So why is it so weird to some people that people make friends online too?

For introverted people like me, and especially people who were born in the modern age, it'd only make sense that a lot of our social interactions would be using technology. And meeting people this way is easier for me, because since I don't get out a lot (as sad as that is to admit, but I'm fully aware of it and accept it at this point lol) it's a good way for me to find people I can relate to. ESPECIALLY since where I live, my interests aren't very common interests, and it's hard to find people that I have stuff in common with.

But these girls...they've been there for me. Even though they're not physically there, they're there to talk when I need someone to talk to. When I'm upset, or just need to vent, they're there for me and I'm there for them too. When I need to laugh, they always make me laugh.

I've been hesitant to really talk about it here because I know how it sounds from the outside--it sounds weird. I know it does. And tons of people really honestly don't get the concept of people meeting friends and more online. But hey--look at all the questions I got about online high school. People thought that was weird too, and they didn't get it either, but it's okay.

We're friends. Even if we've never met before, it doesn't mean we're not real friends.

And I feel sorry for people that believe you can't make friends on the Internet, because even though there are some real assholes on the Internet, there are some wonderful, wonderful people--that live thousands of miles away--that I never would have known if it weren't for the Internet.

BUT. HERE'S THE THING. HERE'S THE BEST PART.

I get to meet some of them. At the end of this month. In California. Face to face.

Some of them I've only known for about a year or two...some of them I've talked to for years. YEARS. And I'm finally meeting them. Just a few weeks from now.

I'll go into detail about it in another entry because this is already getting long, and I don't want to leave anything out. But yes. It's happening.

Expect me to be blogging about this trip for a while, because it's a lot to wrap my mind around, and I need to collect my thoughts about it. But...yeah. Me. Hopeless Romantic. Sarah. Going out of state. Something I haven't done in 13 years.

And I'm going to finally--finally--hang out with friends.

Counting down the days.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: best friend rose, fandom ish, friends, rose, twitter

Well, Internet. Little while no see, again! First things first: Finally updated the blog title. Because as of March 29, this anonymous blogger is officially 20 years old.

20. I'm 20. I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD.

It doesn't make sense to me even when I say it out loud to myself again and again. I'm twenty? Me? But.....what?

I mean, for me, when I was a teenager I hardly felt like I was actually a teenager. So now I'm a twenty something. God.......what? WHAT? I STILL FEEL 14 YEARS OLD INTERNALLY. HOW AM I TWENTY.

Of course I know that age is just a number but seeing it just freaks me out, ahahaha. And in the grand scheme of things, 20 is actually quite young. In the grand scheme of things, in terms of adult years, I'm still more like a kid. And hey, I still can't legally drink alcohol. So I'm not fully grown up yet, hahah.

I don't know. I don't think I'm old or anything, because I know I'm not. I'll start freaking out about getting old when I hit 40.

But it's strange. Technically this is no longer a teen blog anymore. That's weird, right? Wow.

Well, speaking of my blog, my 5 year blogoversary was a good few weeks ago, on May 24! I've had this blog for five years. The entire later half of my teenage years. That's pretty long. I'm sorry I didn't create an entry for it on the day of it, I'm still trying to figure out how to balance out all of my hobbies with being healthy, lmao. I'm working on it, though!
Anyway, those of you that have continued to read my blog, thank you so much. I honestly appreciate it. What first started out as something I made to keep my emotions straight and to keep myself sane, it has become a place where I can truly be myself. Thank you for tolerating my crazy. I love you.

So, you guys are probably wonder what the title of this post means. Let's get to that, shall we?

First, let's talk about my birthday. I'm sort of irked that I didn't write about this earlier, but I think that now that I'm writing about it much much later, I'm more rational about it after the fact. Had I written this the day after my birthday, however, I think it would have been super emo and angry, lol.

BUT BUT BUT before my birthday, a few weeks before in fact, something big happened.

Best Friend Rose came over for the first time in.....gosh, I don't even know. It had been at least a month and a half since I'd last seen her. Which I understood, because she'd been super busy with her job as a hostess at a restaurant and with school which was burying her alive. She seemed really stressed, so I didn't want to nag her about not being able to hang out. But finally, she came over for a bit, although she couldn't sleep over because she had work later that night.

We were watching TV and catching up a little bit on what had been going on the past few weeks. I got up and said I had to get something to eat because I was starving, and then suddenly she got really serious and said she had to tell me something important when I got back from getting some food.

I was immediately curious about what it could be, because I hadn't seen Rose look so serious in a long time. In fact, she's rarely so serious. She even looked a little nervous. So I said okay, left and got some food, settled back down on the bed and told her 'shoot'.

She was even more nervous now, so she took in a deep, shaky breath and came out with it. She said she had started seeing somebody.

And her name was Holly*.

I paused for a good 3 seconds before it sunk in. It was just a good few seconds of shock. "Oh," I said. ".....Oh!"

Now Internet, here's why I was shocked: Rose has never once shown any interest like that towards girls before. Like.....ever. I mean, showed in interest at all. No sexual interest, no emotional interest, not even any attraction, from what I can remember. If there had been examples of this in the past, this probably wouldn't have come as much of a shock to me.

Nevertheless, after getting over my momentary shock, I asked how they met. Rose started telling me about her, about how Holly had shown interest in her first and treated her amazingly, and about how Rose really really liked her for her personality. She did mention that she isn't attracted to her sexually, and how if they were ever intimate she wasn't sure if she would be used to it. So I do wonder about that, but honestly, she seems really happy.

I told her as long as she's being treated right, and she's happy, then I'm happy for her and I support her. After I told her that, she started crying. I can imagine it was really hard to tell me all that, especially considering the way she grew up.

She was raised in a very very strict Protestant family, and while Rose told me that she told her sisters and her mom already, and they were very supportive of her, she still hasn't told her dad. Which I completely understand.

Her parents got divorced while we were in middle school, and while I like her dad......how should I say this.....he's controlling. While I think he considers himself strict, it's more that he's a bit controlling and a bit of a misogynist. Growing up, he never hesitated to tell Rose, her sister, and his wife when they were 'getting fat', or other similar criticisms to that. He was very strict religiously, as well. He forbade his daughters from watching shows and movies that were what he called 'ungodly'. Made sure they never wore low cut shirts or shorts or mini skirts; (if I'm remembering this one correctly) if things were written on their clothes, they had to be Bible quotes. I kid you not.

So..........yeah. As you can imagine, telling her dad would be a complete and utter disaster. I honestly feel like he'd end up doing something crazy, like disowning her, or some crazy shit like that. Which is really sad, but you know how some people are. And he's just one of those people.

So I completely understand keeping this from her father. In fact I think it's the wise thing to do, tbh. And I'm happy that her sisters and mother are super supportive and happy for her, as well. Shows the kind of people they are, I think.

So yeah! Shocking, yes. I never expected Rose to be bi, like ever. (She says she still likes guys too, by the way. Holly just happens to be the first girl she's ever liked.) But I felt honored that she trusted me enough to tell me, and I'm glad that she's happy. I don't think she's ever been this happy in a relationship with a guy, which says something I think.

But while this is all well and good, we come back to the original topic.......my birthday.

Weeks before my birthday, I asked Rose if we could do something on my birthday. This idea meant a lot to me, considering the fact that my 19th birthday had been very lonely and somewhat disappointing. (Refer here.) I told her I just wanted to have a nice day and spend some time with my best friend, since I hadn't gotten to last year. We decided on seeing a movie and going to lunch afterwards, since she (awesomely!) had that day off. I was excited about doing something fun for a change on my birthday, as I hadn't done something with her on my birthday since my 18th birthday. I even kept reminder her of it, telling her not to make plans. And as the day drew closer, the more and more excited I got that I actually had birthday plans.

Then the day of my birthday came.

The day started out with me waking up somewhat late (whoops) but seeing my birthday card and birthday money from my parents (they had to go to work early) getting texts and tweets from my k-pop friends saying Happy Birthday (I'll breach this subject in another entry). And seeing them all put me in such a good mood, and I was in a breezy mood all throughout getting ready. I picked a super super cute outfit, did my makeup all pretty, and about the same time I finished getting ready, Rose and her sister arrived to pick me up.

Her sister dropped us off at the theater, and we were already late to the movie so there wasn't much catching up done at all as we power-walked into the theater just as the movie's opening credits were playing. (We saw Oz, by the way. I kind of hated it, but this isn't a movie review so ANYWAY)

Sometime during the movie, Rose leaned over and whispered that her sister couldn't pick us back up again as she'd said, so Holly was going to instead.

All I could do was whisper back, "Okay," and hope the movie wouldn't end too soon.

However, when the movie ended, and we both went to the bathroom, I asked to clarify, "Is Holly having lunch with us?"

"Yeah," she said. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. "Why?"

Immediate unease and slight annoyance. So, she had just invited her to my birthday lunch? Without asking me first? All righty, then. "Oh. I was just asking."

At my stiff tone, she glanced at me again. "It's okay, isn't it?"

This question annoyed me even more, tbh. On the one hand, the way she had said the question had made it sound like it wasn't a question. Like she just expected me to be cool with it even the hadn't even asked me about it. On the other hand, I didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter. It wasn't like I could just say no, because this situation 1. felt like a set up just so I could meet her girlfriend and 2. felt like a true test of my 'support', which I didn't think was exactly fair. But what could I do about it? Say no and walk home?

"Yeah, sure." was all I said.

Now, let me clarify here: I wasn't uneasy and annoyed that she wanted me to meet her girlfriend. No, no no. Far from it. I told Rose I wanted to meet Holly before, and I really meant it. Of course I wanted to meet the person that was making my best friend happy. The reason I was uneasy and annoyed was because of the following reasons:

• No one else would be there. And I fucking hate being a third wheel. With every fiber of my being. Especially when Rose is involved because I'm sorry but whenever Rose is dating someone, they're always super PDA-y and nauseating and there's nothing I hate more than couples like that all up in my face, to be quite honest.
• I'm really horrible with meeting new people, and before meeting new people, I like to kind of prepare myself so I don't come off as a standoffish bitch because of my shyness.
• It was my birthday and all I had wanted was to spend some 1 on 1 time with my best friend and catch up and talk like old times. That was all I wanted, especially after my terrible last birthday. And now that was ruined. 

So, it went pretty awful. As soon as Holly arrived, they went off into their own world and Rose pretty much ignored me the entire time. When we went to lunch, Holly paid for all three of us, which I really honestly did appreciate, but right after that it was back to me being invisible. And I did try to talk to Rose, believe me, it's not like I just sat there and went "PAY ATTENTION TO ME", or anything like that. But every attempt was futile. So I pretty much sat there miserable and picked at my food and texted my other friends while they were practically on each other's laps and kissed and talked about inside jokes.

Finally when it was over, I gave Holly directions to my house, and when I got there Rose walked me to my door, I stiffly hugged her goodbye, and when I got inside my mom was home. I basically ate the rest of my food from the restaurant, told her how horribly things went, and then cried because of how angry I was.

Later that day, after going out to dinner with my family and having a much better time compared to lunch, I quickly logged onto Facebook to reply to and like the birthday posts on my wall. And it wasn't until then I realized that I'd never gotten any birthday messages from Rose. Not one Facebook post, not one text. Not even when she had greeted me that morning in person.

Not one.

And I realized something. Something that I'm honestly shocked took me so long to figure out.

There have been times that Rose has been good to me, even great to me, and our friendship was really strong. But there have also been times (that have been increasing the past year or so) when she's, honest to God, treated me like shit. This was one of those times.

And honestly? Every other person in my life that has seen how she treats me has told me this. My parents have said this to me many times. Johnny used to say this time me all the time. Jazz has told this to me multiple times over the years, the most recent time being the day we both got in the car accident last year (look here). It's what I cried about in the middle of Panda Express, because that day, for the first time, I'd realized that she was right.

So fast forwarding back to my birthday this year, after realizing that she hadn't even told me Happy Birthday at all, I felt sorry for myself. I really honestly just felt sorry for myself. Had I really been treated that way, by my own 'best friend', on my birthday? And I was just going to take it?

Of course I was going to take it, I thought. Because I always had. I was always Sweet Sarah. The Sarah that never got mad. The Sarah that was always understanding. The Sarah that always got stepped all over because people could get away with it.

And if you'll recall, this isn't the first time I've felt this way. (Refer to this whole entry.) And I'm just...really really really fucking sick of feeling like this.

I need new friends. I need friends that won't make fun of the things I like and friends that actually want to talk to me and friends I have stuff in common with and friends that won't treat me like shit. Which I have found, by the way. They just don't live here. (Again, I'll write about this in another entry sometime soon, hopefully.)

I'm sort of torn at this point because...well. It's not good timing.

I've seen Rose once since my birthday, and I told her that I was upset about my birthday and why I was upset. And I made sure to make it abundantly clear that no, it wasn't because I didn't want to meet Holly. That was why I was hesitant to tell her in the first place, because I thought she would immediately assume I wasn't supporting her relationship. I reiterated multiple times that that wasn't it, and I didn't want her to think it was.
But I still told her how much I hated being a third wheel, and how uncomfortable it made me to be one, and it didn't matter that it was me being a third wheel with Rose there because being a third wheel makes me super super super uncomfortable and nervous, regardless of who's involved.

I always was with her boyfriends before, which was why I never hung out with her alone while she was around any of them, only with other people there as well, and her being with a girl now doesn't change that fact at all. It's just part of my personality that I can't explain and that hasn't changed since Middle School, and I'll probably always feel skiddish being alone around couples. That's just how I am, and I've accepted it.

However, when I told her, she seemed to understand, but still seemed to approach it from a 'So, how can we fix this aspect of you?' angle instead of just accepting it. But at least I told her, that was what I had to do, and I felt a little better about it after I got it off my chest. Also, she said, sort of unsympathetically, that she hadn't meant to make me feel that way, and apologized (sort of half-heartedly). I still don't think she really gets why I was upset, but there. It's done now at least.

I'm just......really tired of this. I don't know if it was a combination of what happened on my birthday with the realization that she walks all over me, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. Again, this is really bad timing, and I'm torn because I don't want her thinking that I'm distancing myself from her because of her new relationship. And I can imagine she's probably going through a lot emotionally right now, because of these new changes.

But on the other hand, I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of trying to be there for someone who is never there for me. Tired of being ignored for weeks at a time. I call her my best friend, but is she? Is she really? Because I can count on one hand more people I'm closer to right now than her.

I think it just happened gradually, and I'm only really starting to notice it now. As of late, I feel like I can't talk to her like I used to, because we have nothing in common anymore. We used to talk about reading and books and movies and manga and concerts and boys.
She doesn't read at all anymore. She doesn't like movie marathon nights and sleepovers anymore. She just wants to party and get drunk and go to bars all the time when she's not working. She hates 'anything asian', as she calls it; she used to watch anime and read manga with me all the time, and now she has this prejudice attitude towards anything remotely from Asia, even says she doesn't like Asian people which....doesn't fly with me for many reasons. (One being that Asian pop culture is like...my whole life basically? And another being that saying you don't like an entire race of people is entirely ignorant and borderline racist and completely not okay to say at all.) We don't even like the same music anymore.

By the way, did I mention Holly is 25 and has a 3 year old? Oh. Yeah. I left that important fact out. She's a mom. And Rose is completely gung-ho about becoming a step-mother figure already. At age 19. She already spends all of her time with this kid, and they're all basically a family already. Which is something else I can't really relate to.

I mean, if she's happy, that's good. I'm glad she's happy. But at this point it's like....it's like we're not even at the same point of our lives anymore. And I've hung out with her four times in the past six months. I just...don't even know who she is anymore.

We're still friends. Of course we're still friends. We've known each other since we were 4 years old. We'll probably always be friends.

But best friends? ...............................No. I have to be realistic about this. We're not best friends. Not right now. Maybe we will again someday, but not now. Maybe not for a while.

I know this happens. I'm mature enough to realize that people grow apart after High School. It happens to everybody. It's not this huge disaster, it's just a part of growing up. Plus, considering all the time we spent together in High School, and in Middle School before that, and in Elementary School before that, it's just time. I think it was only a matter of time before we'd start to grow apart, and it just so happens to be now. But I think this will be good for me.

Because to be perfectly honest, she was a huge part of my childhood. And I'll cherish the memories that we have already had, and they're wonderful memories. But it's time for me to grow up now.

I need to learn about who I am without her. I need to make new friends that I didn't grow up with. I need to find out who I am. And maybe that will be without her for a while.

And that's okay.

We'll probably still hang out every once in a while like it is now, but the other day I was thinking about this. I realized how all throughout online school I basically...relied on her to have a life outside of schoolwork. Whether I left the house or not, whether I did fun things or not, where all dependent on her. I basically revolved my whole life around whether she was free or not.

Do you realize how sad that is? No wonder I was practically miserable all the time.

SO, yes. Growing apart. But it's natural. And to honest...it's needed. And now it'll give me room to find other friends, and people that will actually be there for me as much as I'm there for them.

It's scary making new friends at my age, lmao. Now it's much more beyond just asking someone to push you on the swingset or sharing your chips with them at lunch. But I can do it. Life goes on after High School, you know.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: age, anniversary, best friend rose, birthday, friend issues, growing up, jazz, rose

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