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 "This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." 
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letter to rose. (secret #10)}
Thursday, May 28, 2015 | 9:27 PM | 0Comment
Dear Rose,
Hi. It’s been a while.
You’re probably wondering why I’ve written this letter to
you after not talking to you or seeing you for so long. The truth is, I have a
lot of things I want to get off of my chest. For a long time, I was upset. But
I’ve never been good at speaking my feelings out loud, so I thought this letter
was the best way to express myself.
I’m sure that you’ve been wondering why I stopped talking to
you.
Let me tell you something. In 2012, a friend of mine passed
away in a car accident. Since that happened, from the end of 2012 and
throughout 2013, I struggled with severe depression. I rarely left the house. I also began having regular panic attacks and showed
other symptoms of an anxiety disorder.
I have improved since then, but I still struggle with these
things every single day. I still have panic attacks. There are times I still
struggle to get out of bed and do normal things like bathing. I still struggle
to leave my house for things as simple as going to class or running an errand.
Surprised? This isn’t something I’m comfortable talking
about with most people, and struggling with mental illness is not easy to talk about.
At the worst of my symptoms, I felt abnormal, embarrassed, and scared all the
time. I just needed someone to be there for me to talk to and to lean on. And
for the first time, you weren’t there for me.
I know you were always there for me when my dad went away,
and when I was in online school, and that means a lot to me still. Nothing will
erase what you did for me back then, and how I’ll always be grateful for that.
But my 20th birthday forced me to reevaluate some things and take a
closer look at our friendship.
I’ll always cherish all of our good memories, like how we
would play at summer day camp, play dress up and Barbies, having intense
discussions about books, endless sleepovers, our Harry Potter marathons and
laughing at stuff online. Those times will always be close to my heart.
But other times, it seemed like it was so easy for you to
forget about me. You’ve always been able to make friends easily, I’ve always
envied you for that. Everyone liked you, and you’ve always had plenty of people
to fall back on. You didn’t have to worry about going places without me, or
having to be on your own.
I think that’s partly what set the dynamic in our friendship
for years. I always needed you more than you needed me. I was this weak,
fragile little mouse that needed someone braver to lead me. Back then, codependency
was all I knew. So seeing that you didn’t need me, or care about me as much as
I cared about you, broke me.
I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how what happened
on my 20th birthday devastated me. At that point in time, I was
still grappling with the loss of my friend, and I thought that you were the
last person that was there for me in some way. But after that day I realized
that maybe you didn’t really care about me at all.
As I continued to struggle with my depression and anxiety,
without even the slightest indication that you wondered about how I was doing,
or even thought of me at all, this further cemented my wounded feelings. When
my mom went to the hospital in late 2013, and I heard not one word from you, I
finally realized that we weren’t even friends anymore. I didn’t understand how
someone who used to be like family to me could throw me away so easily.
Was it so easy for you? I know that new relationships can be
fresh and exciting, and it’s easy to get distracted. But I didn’t even exist to
you anymore. I wasn’t even worth texting or getting coffee with. When other
people made plans with you, they were a priority, and our plans were constantly
cancelled by you, or blown off, or turned into a date for me to tag along on.
Had I become too boring for you? Too weird? Or did you do this because you knew
I wouldn’t say anything, and you could get away with it?
Was I that easy to take advantage of, or was I just
insignificant? Our friendship was everything to me, and I needed you in my
life. Yet you couldn’t even spare me a phone call.
Our friendship had suddenly become something unhealthy, and
it made me sad more than it made me happy. And I’d finally found some other
friends that made me feel happy and made me feel like being myself was okay. So,
for the sake of my well-being and happiness, I had to distance myself from you.
Something I do have to apologize for is not being able to be
there for you. I know this part of your life has been really difficult and
confusing for you. I know you’ve been struggling, too. I’m sorry for what you’ve
been through. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But you can only be there so much
for someone who doesn’t care about you in return.
That’s not to say that different people’s personal problems
should be compared in any way, I just mean that after a certain amount of time,
if it’s one person giving and giving and giving support, eventually they get
tired. And I was tired of not feeling appreciated or important to you.
To be honest, I do miss you. Distancing myself from you was
maybe one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. For months, I cried every
day. Every time something important happened to me, I wanted so badly to tell
you, but then the thought occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t care.
But in the past couple of years, I’ve grown a lot. And being
dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me isn’t enough for me anymore. I’ve
been trying in every way to be healthier, and happier, and not having unhealthy
relationships in my life is part of that. I still care about you, and still
want the best for you. But I’m trying to take care of myself now. And if being
friends with you isn’t a part of that, then I have to continue to move on.
I wrote this letter because for a long time, I thought
staying silent was better. I didn’t want things to escalate into a giant
blowout in case you didn’t like what I had to say, because that’s not how I wanted
things to end. But then I kept thinking about my friend that died at just 23
years of age, and wondered if there were things she never got to tell people. Things
that she just kept inside of her until her life was taken from her. If there’s
anything I’ve learned the most, it’s that you never know what could happen
tomorrow. I didn’t want to regret never saying any of this to you.
Regardless of what’s happened, and what may happen in the
future, I want you to know that I might never have another best friend like you
ever again. You deserve the best in your life, and I hope you always remember
that. Life is cruel to all of us, but we all deserve true happiness and
fulfillment. Never stop fighting for it.
xo Hopeless Romantic
Labels: best friend rose, health, letters, rose, secrets lifestyle changes.}
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 | 9:46 PM | 0Comment Internet!! So. I wasn't quite sure where to start with writing about all the things that have changed since I last wrote. I mean just...a lot of things have changed. A lot. First things first...I live in a new house. Yup. We moved. ONCE AGAIN. And this time, it's in a house with just me, my mom, and my dad (and dog). You might recall that I've lived with my grandma and young cousins for...well, as long as I've had this blog. Since the 8th grade. Basically my grandma moved into us to help us pay rent, because we could barely afford ours and she could barely afford hers, and it would be much easier for all of us if we lived together. But after a while the dynamic in the house shifted--soon my grandma refused to help pay rent and the utility bill, and the pressure was on my parents to pay all of it. So as you can imagine, that actually made our financial situation worse. We have been very very tight on money, barely living paycheck to paycheck, for years now. And aside from money, none of us had been very happy with living together for the past year or so. There had always kind of been tension, especially between my mom and my grandma (my dad's mother), but in 2013 it came to a head multiple times. Someone was always arguing or yelling at each other, or my cousins were always getting into mischief, leaving us to clean after them. And worst of all, for me, was that my grandma was always inviting people we didn't know over to our house without telling us. There had been many a time when a stranger would come over and I'd be in my pajamas in the living room, bed hair and all. Not only humiliating but also annoying when said stranger comes over again, sees me again but in daytime clothes, and would say, "Oh, you got dressed today!" So around Christmas time, when we discovered that we would have to move soon because the landlord wanted to sell the house, I confronted Mom about possibly moving into separate houses now, and she could not agree more with me. So that led to both of us confronting Dad about it, and then him confronting Grandma, and well...here we are. It took some convincing on her end, however. Until she realized that she wanted her own house again too, haha. Then we helped her find a house, and we found our new house. And it all worked out! And here's the most hilarious part of it...we moved next door to our old house. HAHA. Literally one house over. We were having such a hard time trying to find a place, and then we found out that the house next door was up for rent, so we looked...and it was perfect. Funny how stuff like that works out, isn't it? SO. The new house. Just a two story, a main floor and a basement. And the entire basement is mine. Main/living space, my bedroom, my own bathroom with a door right to it from my room, and a WALK IN CLOSET. I've never in my life had a bathroom connected to my bedroom, or a walk in closet. And as it's in the basement, it's quiet, and just as cool as I like it to be in my room. In all honesty, it's the best room I've ever had, and that includes the room I had in middle school where I had my own deck outside. The only downside: the bugs. Inevitable for any basement, I think. We've been trying our best to keep them away, although there have been some pretty bad incidents (one includes a giant spider on the toilet paper in the bathroom, which I accidentally touched when it fell INTO MY HAND. Will never look at toilet paper the same way. Scarred for life.) but we're working on it. But the pros far outweigh the cons, and my stress levels have gone down significantly since moving. I think they have for all of us, even my grandma and cousins. And when we miss each other, we visit each other's houses for a few hours, and then we go home. To separate houses. And live peacefully how we want. Such a relief, I cannot even tell you. So since we've moved to the new house, we've been very busy trying to get everything organized and looking presentable (or somewhat presentable) and my main area down here only has a folding chair, 3 bookshelves, and a TV in it, lol. But babysteps! We'll get it together eventually. Aside from the house, some other things have changed for me as well.
So. Some interesting changes there, right?
As for the job issue: still an issue. As of my last entry, I applied for 7 jobs. I was hired for none of them. Quite amazing, actually. At this point, if I keep going like this, I could set a world record or something.
However, there are two more that I want to apply for, and one that's been offered to me. If the 2 I apply for don't hire me, then I'll probably take the one that was offered, which was from my dad's friend to be a dog/house sitter for him. Not too bad. At least I would get paid.
Also, I intend on starting registration for school as soon as possible. I miss school. I miss it so much. I miss being a student, I miss regularly doing something with my time. I miss learning things in class. I miss having miniature goals for myself. I miss having at least a determinable future. School provides that.
And I'm anxious to start towards my theater major. I'm so excited to try new things, and take new classes, and just...do things. I miss that.
So I have to take a placement test, I'm thinking within the next few weeks. As soon as possible. Then I meet with a counselor to help me choose classes. Then I sign up for classes. Then I apply for financial aid. And then it happens. Then I start school.
I can't even put into words how ready I am. I might feel a little less enthusiastic once I start really getting a good amount of homework, but at least I'll be doing something. I've seen the alternative now, and I didn't like it. I'm ready now. So ready.
And the biggest, most recent change of all...I'm not ready to write about yet.
It deserves its own, probably long and ranting, entry. And I need a little more time to think it over. Because, hoo boy. Emphasis on 'boy'.
xo Hopeless Romantic
Labels: birthday, change, firsts, health, jazz, job stuff, rose, shenanigans On Self-Image and Being Healthy.}
Sunday, March 24, 2013 | 10:50 PM | 0Comment  Basically, I've been...normalizing. In an almost self-rehab process. Let me explain. This is the first time I'm talking so frankly about this, and it's sort of difficult, so bear with me. In online school, and even before online school, I had a serious problem. My self esteem was...rock bottom. I mean, just terrible. And I admit, my self esteem rose considerably after I started online school, because it caused me to become more independent and much MUCH less reliant on others around me. I'll always be grateful for that. However, in middle school, my self esteem was absolutely ravaged. I think on the outside, I always seemed normal, and no one would probably expect it, but my self esteem was so low. I was...self harming. The way I was self harming wasn't the way people normally think of self harm. I wasn't cutting. I wasn't contemplating suicide. I didn't have an eating disorder. But I wasn't taking care of myself in the following ways: I wasn't bathing daily, sometimes I'd wait 3 days between showers. I wasn't brushing my teeth. Ever. At all. I wasn't washing my face. Ever. I wasn't taking care of my hair--repeatedly frying it with heat so it would be perfectly straight so it would look naturally straight. I wasn't drinking, and if I drank something, it was soda. And that's it. And in addition to these things, I hated everything about my appearance. I hated the color of my skin. I hated the shape of my nose. I hated my hair. I hated my appearance because I wasn't Caucasian. I hated that I didn't have light eyes like my white friends. I hated that I didn't have straight hair like my white friends. I hated that I stood out. I wanted to look like everyone else at school. And because I hated how I looked so much, I didn't bother taking care of myself. Basically, I think that I never thought I was worth it. That taking care of appearances was for pretty girls, and for me, I wasn't pretty, and that was the best my appearance was going to get, so why even bother at all? This is very hard for me to write. I think it's so hard because this is something I've only come to realize within the past 6 months or so. I think I never wanted to accept it before, like this was something everyone did and it was how everyone felt about themselves and it was normal. And that's whats scary about it, because it wasn't normal. Far from it. Nobody should ever hate themselves so much. Nobody. And I did. For a very long time. For so long that it felt normal and right. So. Once I realized this, I realized that I had to change. I had to. Because I couldn't go on living like that. Before, I wondered why I was so unhappy and I thought I needed therapy or something else new in my life to make me happy. But, that wasn't what I needed. I think the unhappiness came from living that way for so long. So, the week January started, I decided to change. First, I began exercising every day, with no skipping. A small amount, but you have to start somewhere, right? After the first week, and being extremely sore after just a week of 15 minutes of exercise daily, it disturbed me to realize how out of shape I am. But having the 3 years of online school where I had no physical exercise whatsoever, it makes sense. I'm still working on building up my endurance, and I'm still at a low level, but I'm getting a lot better at it. I feel a lot stronger than I did before. Second, I started taking a shower every day. Even on the rare days that I don't exercise (usually due to my period since I feel like crap), showering is still a non-negotiable, every day thing. I'm so much cleaner than I used to be, and my skin is a lot healthier and softer, understandably. Also, I started taking much better care of my teeth. Third, I began washing and exfoliating my face after every shower. I wash with a Neutrogena face wash and I exfoliate with my own sugar and honey scrub. The skin on my face has improved so much over 3 months, it's insane. It's funny, because before this, I had just assumed that I was just one of those people with severe acne and scars and I always would be. Now, my skin is almost completely clear with just a few spots here and there, and glowing. Just from washing and exfoliating every day. It's sort of funny, but it also pisses me off, because I think about all the wasted years I spent burying my skin under layers upon layers of makeup, thinking nothing would help my skin, when really just taking care of it would have done more for it than any makeup would have. Fouth, I stopped drinking soda for good and am just drinking water, 100% juice, and tea now. Also, I've been eating better and eating less fast food. I've tried changing like this before, but it's going to be permanent now. I won't be abusing myself anymore. Not even when I'm sad, or I'm tired and I don't feel like getting up and taking care of myself. Never again. I lost too many years treating myself like that, and I can't ever do that to myself again. I owe it to myself to treat myself better. In addition to all of this, I've been interacting with people more and spending less time alone, including weekly driving lessons with my Auntie, whose been so patient with me during our lessons. So. Do I feel better these days? Absolutely. I feel like even just 3 months has made a world of difference in how I felt before. I'm much happier. I still have some ways to go--Rome wasn't built in a day. It's a day-to-day process. I've had some setbacks, but after that, I get back up and keep going. My goal right now? Normality. Real normality, not the unhealthy normal I'd grown used to. I think about this process as rehab. A self-rehab, almost. Self-therapy. No one can do this for me but myself, and it's about time that I do, don't you think? So, that's what I've been doing. I haven't quite found the perfect balance of self-care and play (blogging) quite yet, but I'm working on it. Right now, I'm just trying to get the hang of this whole health thing. And I won't give up this time. I owe myself this. xo Hopeless Romantic Labels: health, self-esteem, therapy |
