♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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letter to rose. (secret #10)}
Thursday, May 28, 2015 | 9:27 PM | 0Comment

Dear Rose,

Hi. It’s been a while.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve written this letter to you after not talking to you or seeing you for so long. The truth is, I have a lot of things I want to get off of my chest. For a long time, I was upset. But I’ve never been good at speaking my feelings out loud, so I thought this letter was the best way to express myself.

I’m sure that you’ve been wondering why I stopped talking to you.

Let me tell you something. In 2012, a friend of mine passed away in a car accident. Since that happened, from the end of 2012 and throughout 2013, I struggled with severe depression. I rarely left the house. I also began having regular panic attacks and showed other symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

I have improved since then, but I still struggle with these things every single day. I still have panic attacks. There are times I still struggle to get out of bed and do normal things like bathing. I still struggle to leave my house for things as simple as going to class or running an errand.

Surprised? This isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with most people, and struggling with mental illness is not easy to talk about. At the worst of my symptoms, I felt abnormal, embarrassed, and scared all the time. I just needed someone to be there for me to talk to and to lean on. And for the first time, you weren’t there for me.

I know you were always there for me when my dad went away, and when I was in online school, and that means a lot to me still. Nothing will erase what you did for me back then, and how I’ll always be grateful for that. But my 20th birthday forced me to reevaluate some things and take a closer look at our friendship.

I’ll always cherish all of our good memories, like how we would play at summer day camp, play dress up and Barbies, having intense discussions about books, endless sleepovers, our Harry Potter marathons and laughing at stuff online. Those times will always be close to my heart.

But other times, it seemed like it was so easy for you to forget about me. You’ve always been able to make friends easily, I’ve always envied you for that. Everyone liked you, and you’ve always had plenty of people to fall back on. You didn’t have to worry about going places without me, or having to be on your own.

I think that’s partly what set the dynamic in our friendship for years. I always needed you more than you needed me. I was this weak, fragile little mouse that needed someone braver to lead me. Back then, codependency was all I knew. So seeing that you didn’t need me, or care about me as much as I cared about you, broke me.

I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how what happened on my 20th birthday devastated me. At that point in time, I was still grappling with the loss of my friend, and I thought that you were the last person that was there for me in some way. But after that day I realized that maybe you didn’t really care about me at all.

As I continued to struggle with my depression and anxiety, without even the slightest indication that you wondered about how I was doing, or even thought of me at all, this further cemented my wounded feelings. When my mom went to the hospital in late 2013, and I heard not one word from you, I finally realized that we weren’t even friends anymore. I didn’t understand how someone who used to be like family to me could throw me away so easily.

Was it so easy for you? I know that new relationships can be fresh and exciting, and it’s easy to get distracted. But I didn’t even exist to you anymore. I wasn’t even worth texting or getting coffee with. When other people made plans with you, they were a priority, and our plans were constantly cancelled by you, or blown off, or turned into a date for me to tag along on. Had I become too boring for you? Too weird? Or did you do this because you knew I wouldn’t say anything, and you could get away with it?

Was I that easy to take advantage of, or was I just insignificant? Our friendship was everything to me, and I needed you in my life. Yet you couldn’t even spare me a phone call.

Our friendship had suddenly become something unhealthy, and it made me sad more than it made me happy. And I’d finally found some other friends that made me feel happy and made me feel like being myself was okay. So, for the sake of my well-being and happiness, I had to distance myself from you.

Something I do have to apologize for is not being able to be there for you. I know this part of your life has been really difficult and confusing for you. I know you’ve been struggling, too. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But you can only be there so much for someone who doesn’t care about you in return.

That’s not to say that different people’s personal problems should be compared in any way, I just mean that after a certain amount of time, if it’s one person giving and giving and giving support, eventually they get tired. And I was tired of not feeling appreciated or important to you.

To be honest, I do miss you. Distancing myself from you was maybe one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. For months, I cried every day. Every time something important happened to me, I wanted so badly to tell you, but then the thought occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t care.

But in the past couple of years, I’ve grown a lot. And being dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me isn’t enough for me anymore. I’ve been trying in every way to be healthier, and happier, and not having unhealthy relationships in my life is part of that. I still care about you, and still want the best for you. But I’m trying to take care of myself now. And if being friends with you isn’t a part of that, then I have to continue to move on.

I wrote this letter because for a long time, I thought staying silent was better. I didn’t want things to escalate into a giant blowout in case you didn’t like what I had to say, because that’s not how I wanted things to end. But then I kept thinking about my friend that died at just 23 years of age, and wondered if there were things she never got to tell people. Things that she just kept inside of her until her life was taken from her. If there’s anything I’ve learned the most, it’s that you never know what could happen tomorrow. I didn’t want to regret never saying any of this to you.

Regardless of what’s happened, and what may happen in the future, I want you to know that I might never have another best friend like you ever again. You deserve the best in your life, and I hope you always remember that. Life is cruel to all of us, but we all deserve true happiness and fulfillment. Never stop fighting for it.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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letter to ricky bobby: 2015 edition. (secret #9)}
Wednesday, May 13, 2015 | 11:19 PM | 0Comment

Dear Ricky Bobby,

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I want to say that I hope you've been okay. Life can really be cruel sometimes, but I hope that it's been mostly kind to you, and that all of the good outweighs the bad.

You may be wondering why I wrote this letter to you after not speaking to or even seeing you for so long. I'm not good at expressing myself face to face, and I'm a better speaker in writing, so this is the easiest way for me to say important things. I have a few apologies to make to you. In truth, I should have written this letter years ago, but I was so caught up in the lies I told myself that I couldn't admit to what was true.
I'm gonna try not to sound overly formal with this whole letter, but that's kinda hard for me at times. Also, a lot of this has been building up inside of me for the past few months now, so I kind of have a lot to say.

None of this is easy for me to talk about at all, but I think it's important that I do. Don't feel pressured to reply to this, you really don't have to. I'll be honest and say that this letter is mostly for me to get stuff off my chest. So no worries, ok?

I've been thinking about some things over the past half year or so, while trying to be honest with myself, and I've realized a thing or two.

Firstly, I'm sorry that I never told you, to your face, that I was in love with you. You heard from plenty of other people, hell, from every other person in the world besides me. And that wasn't fair of me. So many things got misconstrued that way, and I believe that my feelings for you were interpreted wrongly sometimes. You weren't just some crush to me, Ricky Bobby, and you deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that they're special to somebody. I'm sorry I never mustered up the courage to tell you, even when I really, really wanted to. Like when you were moving away and I was saying goodbye to you, and like when you came back and we were alone one or two times and I had all the opportunity to.

Second, I'm sorry I was afraid. Back in the 8th grade, I had super low self esteem. In high school, it improved slightly, but I was still insecure and really afraid of rejection. I was still growing as a person in a lot of ways, and I don't think that I was ready to go out with anybody then.

And when you moved back, I realized that I still had feelings for you. After trying a whole 2 years to forget about you and move on, that terrified me. It terrified me even more that we hung out at those football games and my feelings were stronger than ever. I was hoping that when you moved back, I would show you that I was over you and you weren't a big deal to me anymore, and that's not what happened. I was scared of the direction things maybe might have been heading in(or probably might not have been, to this day I'm still not completely sure either way. I never really could figure you out, and I mean that as a compliment.) and I knew that in the future, if you were to show any sort of interest in me in return, I wouldn't have been able to hide my feelings anymore, which meant that I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry I was so prideful.

So, I kind of pushed you and Johnny away. I avoided you, hoping that if I pretended that you didn't exist and pretended that you meant nothing to me, it would be easier to move on. For this immaturity, I'm also sorry.

It sort of worked for a little while. That is, until I logged onto Facebook one day, saw that you were dating someone, got super jealous and blocked you. Really sorry for that. It was bitchy, I know. But I figured you wouldn't notice, and to be fair, I don't think you did. Even if you didn't, though, I still feel guilty about it. But after you had been blocked for a while, it was easier to keep you off my mind. It also helped the jealousy stay away. For a long while, it felt like I really had moved on.

But eventually, my immaturity came back and bit me in the ass. I only just recently got the courage to unblock you and add you as a friend again. I'm over my blocking phase on Facebook now, so there'll be no more blocking now, I promise.

I lied to myself for a long time about my feelings for you. I think the seriousness of my feelings scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with those kinds of feelings, and confront them in a healthy way, and so I pushed them away. In the end, that only hurt me more, and now I'm left with these residual regrets years later. I'll probably always regret the way I handled things between us, and that's why I've written this.

I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to be more honest with myself than I was in the past. It's a little hard, but it's been helping me realize some things about my past and about myself. I think coming to terms with things in my life will partly come with being honest with myself and with others, and being less of a goddamn coward. Haha. I'm still working on it, but I'm doing pretty okay so far.

One last thing I want to say is that at some point, you meant a whole lot to me. It's hard to explain why when I don't even know why myself. You were the first guy I ever had really strong feelings for. I know you didn't realize it, but for me, my 8th grade year was hell. Even just waking up in the morning every day was hard, but seeing you everyday at school made it just a little bit easier. It gave me a reason to show up at school and smile and keep trying. For that, thank you. Regardless of how old I get, I'll never forget that. I hope you don't forget that either.

Because this letter is getting to be too long, I guess I'll end it here. I felt like I couldn't go my entire life without saying any of those things to you, I think I owed it to both of us to say it all. Hope it didn't weird you out.

I wish you happiness and love and health and everything that you deserve.

Always,

Sarah

((Sequel entry to this original dramatic emo entry.))

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Dear 2011 era Sarah:}
Sunday, January 1, 2012 | 9:20 PM | 3Comment

Well. 2011 was a helluva year, wasn't it?

For you, it meant a year of firsts, and also one of some hardship.

First of all, there was Drew. Your first...um. Date? Yeah, let's call him that. The boy you went on your first date with. And even though the date goes well according to your experience (which admittedly isn't saying much at all), Drew stops texting you.

In fact, he stops showing any sign of interest, at all. But it's okay, because you bounced back from it quick, and you end up learning from it. The whole Drew situation was basically the first time a boy had shown any interest in you for a while, and it was a good lesson.

It showed you that, yes, there will be boys out there that will show you interest, so there's no need to stress about it. Everyday out there, there is some guy interested in some girl. It really happens. Always. And one of these days, you'll see it happen again for you. You won't see it coming, and you can't force it, but it will happen. Just wait. When it does, you'll realize you had nothing to worry about.

Also in 2011, you had a Summer full of fun and awesomeness, and it will probably be a Summer you'll remember for a while. What can get better than that?

Unfortunately, you had quite a few hard times this year, too.

The realization of the end of high school began to close in on you, and you started to panic. You started to panic about the huge changes coming your way. Applying for college. Going to college. Leaving home. Getting a job.

Change is scary. I know, I get it. But there's no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. In your mind, the future is huge and dark and terrifying. But guess what? When it actually happens, it probably won't be nearly as bad as you anticipated. You always worry. About everything. Always making anthills into mountains. Why?

Some huge education trials did their number on you this year, too. There was that huge final situation at the end of your Junior year, and then there was the first semester of your Senior year, when you got behind in your AP class. You know why these things happened in the first place?

You.

You always put pressure on yourself. Always trying to be perfect, always pressuring yourself to be flawless, and in the end it destroys your resolve. You shut down. A monumental wave of fear envelopes you, keeps you from doing anything at all, drowns you in a pool of self-loathing. Why are you so afraid to fail? It's okay to fail. Even the very best at what they do have failed.

You don't have to be perfect, Sarah. It's okay.

So, let's promise each other this: 2012 will be the year of action.

Action to actually start loving yourself all the time, instead of when it's easy to. Action to bring to pass what you want instead of just wishing for it. Action to do what you're afraid to do, because standing around and worrying about it will just bring you more pain in the end. Action to do your best, whatever that may be, not to be perfect.

2011 was tough. Some of it did quite a number on you. But get up, brush the dust off your clothes. Take a deep breath. Breathe out. It's a new year, a new start. Don't make last year's mistakes again. Start over. And together, we'll kick some ass.

Let's do this.

xo Hopeless Romantic (aka 2012 era Sarah!)

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Letter to Jazz. (Secret #6.)}
Wednesday, October 12, 2011 | 3:54 PM | 2Comment

Hey Jazz, can I be honest?

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’ve been avoiding you. Because I’m kind of upset with you, actually.

There are so many things that have gone on the past few months that have stacked up, that I don’t even know where to begin.

Here's one. I don’t appreciate the way you talk to me. It really bothers me when you say things like, ‘let’s get you out of the house’ and ‘we need to get you out dude’. I know we used to joke about that during sophomore year, and back then it was funny, but now it’s not. Now I find it pretty patronizing, to be honest. I used to joke like that during sophomore year because it was true and I was still getting used to online school, but I’m happy now. Maybe if you talked to me more often, you’d know that it’s different now.

I’ve learned how to balance my school and everything else, and I live normally, not like some hermit you sometimes make me out to be. I’m perfectly fine with the way my life is now, and you should accept that.

I know it might not make sense to you because you’re always busy with stuff for school and hanging out with people and stuff, but that’s what makes you happy. Not me. You’ve got to understand that I’ve grown to love my life the way it is, along with my everyday school life and being inside my own skin, and when I hear you say things like that to me or about me it really offends me.

Honestly, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and I don’t appreciate being treated like a socially retarded 12 year old. I’m happy hanging out with you, at least I used to be. But I hate it when you say things like that. I want you to want to hang out with me because you want to, not because you feel like you owe me a field trip out of the house. That makes me feel like your obligation, not your friend.

I also don’t appreciate the way you talk about Best Friend Rose around me. I really haven’t said this until now, I know, but I just need to say it. I get that you don’t like her, and even though I have no idea why you don’t, I’ll leave it at that. But don’t talk crap about her around me. Please. She’s my best friend, didn’t you realize that it would bother me? I know you think she’s this awful person, but try to understand. I’ve been best friends with her for almost 14 years now. Since preschool. And while you’re my friend too, I really can’t stand it when you talk about her to me like she’s this mustache twirling villain. I get that you don’t like her. But that’s your business. Don’t involve me in it. Plain and simple. And for the record? Best Friend Rose had no problems whatsoever with you before, and I know you find that hard to believe, but she didn't. She really liked you. And I would've known if she had felt otherwise, because she tells me everything. Now the only problem she has with you is the way you've been treating me. Just so you know.

Something else that’s been bothering me happened a long time ago, and I should’ve said something about it then, but I didn’t. Remember the day before New Year’s Eve, when you spent the night, and there was that huge blizzard? You had been invited to a New Year’s party at someone else’s house, but you were worried about driving in the storm, so I offered that you could just stay another night if you really were concerned about driving all the way across town in the snow.

We entertained the idea, so much to the point where I was under the impression that you really were going to stay for New Year’s Eve, and I was excited. I was really happy because I never really get to do fun things for New Year’s, considering my parents never stay up until midnight on New Year’s and Rosie was on a trip, just like she had the year before, so we couldn’t do anything together either. So after we started talking about the stuff we could do until midnight, maybe a half an hour passed.

And then you left.

No apology, no excuses, you just left. And pretty quickly, too. Jazz, I would have completely understood if you just wanted to leave and go to that party, which I’m sure you did. But you could have at least told me to my face. I’m a big girl. I would have understood.

Even if you had said, “Sorry, I have to go to this party, bye!” it would have been much better. But you entertained the idea of staying over, and even got excited with me. It would have been much easier to handle if you hadn’t humored me like you really wanted to stay, just to leave hurriedly a half an hour later.

Nobody’s ever done that to me before. It really hurt my feelings. I was honestly so hurt that I cried. I thought that maybe I’d get to be with one of my closest friends for New Year’s, and that I wouldn’t have to be by myself, sitting in my room, watching the ball drop on TV, but I was. I was alone on New Year's Eve, and I cried myself to sleep.

And it felt like maybe I only had one best friend, not two.

And the time I told you that I was very serious about taking writing seriously, and I even wanted to get published? You were doubtful. I could see it in your eyes that you really didn't believe that I could get published, that I was good enough to be published. And honestly? I know that. Of course I know that. But I was telling you expecting to get some support, knowing that I'll get skepticism and doubt from everyone else, but the least I was expecting was to get it from you.

You know, these days it just really feels like you don’t give two craps about me anymore. You used to let me know what was going on in your life, talk to me about stuff that was bothering you. We used to talk for hours, and I liked that. And I used to talk about my stuff with you and I felt like you cared, but lately I don’t. Even when I told you about Drew the last time you slept over, I thought maybe you’d be happy for me for having my first date ever. Or that maybe you’d be more sympathetic when I told you that it didn’t work out. But it didn’t seem like you cared at all. You seemed kind of bored listening to my problems, actually.

It looked like you would have rather left with Nate* and (the other)Sarah to go do whatever, instead of hanging out with me and actually talking with me for the first time in 8 months. I guess maybe I'm too boring for you now.

The thing that gets me the most is that you slowly drifted away from me, and I get the feeling that it's mostly because I don't go to your school anymore. And that's the exact thing that we both promised wouldn't happen.
To sum it all up, I just don’t even feel like I’m your friend anymore. And that really makes me sad, but I just don't feel like you care either way. And that makes me even sadder.

Your Ex-Best Friend Who Has Apparently Already Been Forgotten,

Sarah

(xo Hopeless Romantic)

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