There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
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Internet, how was your Christmas? (Or Kwanzaa? Or Festivus? Or Winter Solstice? Or Hanukkah, which is still happening currently?)

As for me, my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was super low key.

Due to a cold going around, my dad got sick and spent both days in bed. And the day after, my mom caught it, too. I, however, am upping my vitamin intake, drinking green tea religiously, keeping my hands sanitized, and hoping for the best. (I haven't had a cold since 2012 and do not intend changing that.)

So Christmas was mostly spent watching movies and eating, which is what I like to do during my holidays anyway. AND we got a surprise snow overnight! (And I got an IOU for my bed. Still getting it, but it'll probably be early next month instead. Nothing wrong with late gifts!)

But what I want to touch on is the days before Christmas.



So, Internet, I'm sure you could guess this from the tone of my last entry: I decided to message Brennan after all.

Dun dun dun.

Honestly, you guys, my guilt and curiosity was driving me crazy. I decided to go through with this because I finally realized that the regret I felt from not clearing things up between us was greater than any regrets I might have if he ignored me or dismissed my apology. (Because I knew that if he did, I would deserve it, and also there would be no more question of if he really resented me or not.)

So, the day before Christmas Eve Eve, I knew I had to do it, and as soon as possible.

I opened up the memos app on my phone and, after typing up what I hoped was an innocent enough seeming short opener (of the 'Could we talk?' variety, just to give him the option of ignoring me without inundating him with an unsolicited paragraph apology after not talking to him for ages. Not only would that be rude, but also probably pathetic.), then I crafted my apology.

I did my best to make it genuine and made sure that I owned up to my mistakes. I made sure that he knew that I knew what I did was mean spirited and that nothing he did warranted such treatment by me at all. I said that all this time I felt awful about how I had treated him. I also told him that if he wanted me to leave him alone again after this then I would, and that I wouldn't blame him.
Carefully, I also decided to tell him about my anxiety, and that I was dealing with a particularly potent onslaught of it at the time, and it contributed to my treatment of him as well.

After all of this was typed up into a lengthy paragraph, it was the moment of truth.



I opened up Instagram. An old DM thread from literally 2 years ago was there--I had sent him a surprise selfie, and he'd called me cutie and said that I'd brightened his day. Enter sad sigh here.

I resent that I have to do this way, through DM like I has freaking J*cob or something. I still have mighty contempt for that dude, but in this case, I felt some sympathy for him. Sending a DM that might not be received well is super nerve wracking. (But that's where my sympathy for him ends.)

I sent my opener to him, then immediately locked my phone, and left it to charge in another room for an hour and a half.

Unfortunately for me, I'd had a coffee earlier that day, so my anxiousness was off the charts for at least an hour. Skittering heart, shaking hands, churning stomach, nausea, the whole 9 yards.

After that hour and a half was up, I made myself go check my phone. It was now fully charged--but no response from Brennan. I opened up the message, and it said that it had been read.

Swallowing the immediate hurt I felt, I nodded, accepting this like a big girl. I tried to go out on a limb and it had been shot down. This happened to people all the time, and I would have to accept it. I mean, it didn't happen to me all the time, but that's just because I rarely take risks. But whatever, I told myself. Shake it off. At least you tried. And I was never entitled to a response from him anyway. This was what I deserved for acting like such a bitch before.

After I gave myself this internet pep talk, I glanced down at my phone one last time...and there was a new notification in my notification bar. I dragged down the preview.

IT WAS A RESPONSE FROM BRENNAN.



Crap. Crappity crap shit shitty crap!!

Immediate fear. Oh God. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?!

After I stop panicking and staring at the notification, I force myself to just open the damn message already. It opens.

His response isn't cold, like I had expected. It seemed surprised, for sure, but friendly. He told me (since I suppose he assumed I didn't know) that he had a girlfriend, so as long what I had to tell him was platonic, then it was perfectly fine.

I didn't know what to make of this--I don't know if he thought I was going to send this giant declaration of love or what, but I decided to err on the side of doubt and assume he was just trying to be extra careful. (I assumed he also had told his girlfriend I had messaged him, and that was why it took him a bit to respond. Because yes, Internet. He's just that decent. And I'm a fucking idiot.)

I told him I'd already known he does, and that it was nothing like that. Then I copied and pasted my whole apology, sent it, then sent my phone down and immediately left the room to take an impromptu middle-of-the-day shower. Random, yes. But it helped calm me down and clear my head.

After I got out, feeling much calmer now that I'd gotten the apology out of the way, I picked up my phone to read his response.

He was kind, Internet. Much kinder than I ever thought I deserved.



First he said that he had never had anything against me, and that he had just figured that when I disappeared that I wasn't interested in him, considering how we had met. He also said he hadn't been upset at me for it. He also went on to say that he had no idea about struggles with anxiety, and that he wishes I had told him all this sooner if I felt so awful about it all this time.

Immensely relieved, I respond, saying I would have told him all of this sooner, but I had been positive that he probably hated me and didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then I thanked him for accepting my apology.

He said that of course he didn't hate me, saying that was ridiculous. Then he asked if it was okay if he asked me how the anxiety affected me. He added that he really couldn't tell at all when we'd been talking, and wondered in what ways it affected me.

Before I go on, Internet, let me make something clear.

For a long time, I had wondered how he would've reacted to me telling him about my anxiety. So in this instance, I decided that it couldn't hurt to tell him finally. Anxiety contributes to the way I handle things in a very large, constantly present way. There are things that I do in my everyday life that confuse and worry people who don't know about my disorder, which is one thing I hate about it. It affects how I perceive others and how others perceive me so often, and it's frustrating.

Most of the time I'm very uncomfortable with telling people about it. In fact, I have told very, very few people about it. Not only is it a taboo to talk about mental illness for a lot of people, but many people are also unfairly prejudice and judgmental about it when they usually understand little to none about it.

Similarly, most people are flippant about things like anxiety and depression. It's written off as if it's just a 'mindset' that you can change if you just look at the world differently, when that's not the case at all. They don't understand that it's just something that happens to your brain and you can't control it.

So, all that being said: Brennan's supportive and understanding reaction was a big deal to me. A very big deal.



He continued asking respectfully about it, such as what my triggers were, and what kind of treatment I was going to start in January, since I'd mentioned it. No one, besides my closest friends, had ever been so...considerate of this before. And had talked to me about it like it mattered. Ever.

After a couple of days, as the holidays were in full swing and we got busy, the conversation faded out. And to be honest, I was glad it did. Not because I didn't like talking to him again. Not that reason at all.

It's just that after that conversation with him--about something that I had kept very deeply hidden inside me for no one else to see, for a very long time--I realized that I like Brennan.

I realized that I do like Brennan, and that I wasn't just spurned because he had gotten a girlfriend after I had ignored him. I was jealous of his girlfriend. Because I want to be his girlfriend.

I realized that Brennan is the first person I've had feelings for since R*cky B*bby.

And that, therefore, that makes this a very big deal.



So when we talked, and he spoke so kindly and sensitively to me, my heart sunk. It made me sad because I realized who I had thrown away just because I was unsure and afraid.

I know he has a girlfriend. I know that likely won't change anytime soon, because as nice as this girl seems, she would be an idiot to let go of him. But it doesn't change my feelings about him, especially since now I'm aware that they're there and I can't ignore them anymore.

I'm definitely not going to act on this, Internet. I won't do anything that would hurt him. And his girlfriend is a nice girl, and she doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I won't get between them. I'll continue staying far away, keeping my feelings completely to myself.

But if--and that's a big if--things change next year, so help me, I will make it known to Brennan that I want him.

And if--another big if--I get another chance with him, I won't throw him away again.

I know, this is horrible timing. Isn't it? But that seems to be my thing, in all honesty. I am just really, really good at having bad timing. For everything.

I'm also really good at wanting things--people, jobs, school, clothes, makeup--that I can't have. I guess I just really live for the pain of wanting and yearning. I crave that shit. Messed up, I know. But I guess it takes me truly yearning for something for me to realize how wonderful it is.



That is definitely something I need to work on in 2017.

And anyway, I don't regret apologizing to him, not at all. I'm quite relieved that I did it. I'm relieved that he knows now that I don't hate him, and that I know that he doesn't hate me, and that the air is clear. The question, now, is whether or not I can deal with what I discovered in the process of clearing the air between us. I guess we'll see with time.

Moving right along.

Speaking of 2017, here's a list of things I want to accomplish during the new year:

1. Therapy. Number one, by far. Miraculously, one good thing that happened during this horrible year was my family gaining health insurance after 8 years of not having it. As you can imagine, in 8 years, you can accumulate several health problems. But one huge thing, one thing I cannot put off any longer, is starting CBT therapy for my anxiety. It's miraculous that I've even gone this far without it, but unfortunately it's not something I can do on my own anymore. I know that I need some outside help, and now that we have insurance, it's finally within my reach to get it. 
2. Wake up earlier. I swear, this was also one of my resolutions for 2013. But you know what? It worked. For someone who loves sleep, getting up earlier in the morning really improves my mood and productivity during the day. So this is something I need to start doing again. I'm still not a morning person, and perhaps will never be, but with my new Keurig, that part might be a little easier.
3. Get knee treated. Hey, remember when I said I injured my knee last February? Well, it's still injured. In fact, it's pretty messed up. I still can't walk without my brace on at all, and my muscles in my thigh above the knee have pretty much shriveled down to nothing. In addition to all that, from walking with a limp for almost a whole year, my hips have started developing problems too. SUPER fun. So, before I get all my other numerous health problems dealt with, this is definitely number 1. I'm honestly just hoping at this point that I won't need surgery.
4. Possible online college. I know, I know. I've said a million times that I would never do online school again. But you know, at this point, I'm pretty sure this is my only option. Considering my glaring continued lack of money, and my growing knee and hip problems, going to college on a campus just isn't possible for me at this moment in time. So if I have to do school this way, then I'll do it. I've done it before, I can do it again.
5. Keep up with all of my writing works in progress. My novel for November this year was a success, as well as the new draft of one of my old stories that I worked on in July. I have lots of stories to work on next year, and I intend to dedicate as much time as I can to them. Researching, editing, revising, all that jazz. And now that I finally bit the bullet and downloaded Scrivener, I can do all that a little easier.

Labels: brennan, christmas 2016, new year, resolutions, scary stuff

Hey, Internet! Belated Happy Holidays!

I hope all of you guys had magical (or if not magical, at least decent?) holidays this month. You deserve it after the helluva year you've had.

As for me, Christmas this year was peaceful.

Financially, things have still been tight, as the
y have been all year this year. So instead of exchanging presents this year, my folks and I decided to have good food and good company for Christmas instead.

Delicious food, annual homemade cookies (which we decorated), good movies, and for me, a brand new tradition: I found an amazing mulled wine recipe and made it in the crock pot. Holy freakin' crap. Amazing. SO GOOD. I had to restrain myself from drinking all of it on my own, lest I subject myself to a merry Christmas hangover.

But before the holiday actually came, I found myself...in a slight dilemma.

Nothing too major, nothing even that big of a deal. But for me, it was pretty embarrassing.

You see, there's this phenomena that happens at this time of year that I like to call the Christmas Crazies.

I only more recently came up with this name for it, but I've written about it before. See this entry "Dodged that bullet."

Christmas couples, Christmas crazies, whatever you want to call it...it's a phenom. A phenom that I hate. And yet it affects me all the same.

Around this time of year, I get this inexplicable yearning. 

I don't know if it's the mushy corny cheesy Hallmark holiday movies I watch every year on an infinite loop (probably a huge contributing factor, not going to lie), or if it's my favorite classic Christmas songs which happen to be romantic in nature (All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)), or if it's the cold weather making me want to snuggle up in my pajamas with someone.

But man. Without fail. I get more sentimental, definitely. But I also yearn. For who? Anybody? I don't know. But the older I get, it's gotten worse.

Last year, unfortunately, I got the Yearnings for R*cky B*bby. (Censored because I promised I'd stop blogging about him. Hah.) But all of my nostalgia craze was just starting this time last year, so that was why. Also last year, I had my first and last date with Brennan after months of resisting meeting him in person at all. It's safe to say the Christmas Yearnings had gotten to me, and that was why I had decided to say yes to a snowy Christmas Eve Eve coffee date.

This year, I got them for...I don't know. Everybody?

I'm telling you Internet. The Christmas Crazies this year were on steroids. One minute I was feeling relaxed and unworried about any and all boys, the next minute I was talking to 4--LITERALLY 4--different guys from Tinder at once. 3 days before Christmas.

And before you guys get all Judgey McJudger at me, this is unheard of for me. When I do start talking to a guy, I just talk to that guy and that guy only. This is to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

However, this time I just...I don't know, guys. I think I had a nervous breakdown, or something. Or maybe the romance in the air had me a little overwhelmed and I got a bit right-swipe happy.

Either way, I got four new matches 3 days before Christmas, and all 4 of them started talking to me at once.

Deciding that I was in the mood to talk to some people, I answered them all. And my dilemma began.

Thankfully, conversations with two of them tapered off after two hours or so. But the other two persisted into the next day.

1 of them asked me out right off the bat from the first day we talked, which was a red flag for me. I told him that I was busy, but I would think about it and talk to him later. So the next day, we began talking some more, and conversation was nice, so I was seriously considering maybe hanging out with him sometime.

As we talked that day, he followed me on Instagram (my IG is connected to my Tinder profile). Seeing that he did, I went to follow him back, His account was private, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. I sent a follow request and went about my day, still talking to him casually.

He accepted my request about 30 mins later, so I went to look at his Instagram. I noticed a lot of travel pictures, which was cool. But then I noticed something peculiar--the pictures I saw of him throughout his feed looked NOTHING like the pictures he had on Tinder.

I even scrolled down to the bottom of his Instagram feed--the oldest pictures were from three years ago, and yet the pictures of him from then still weren't anything like his Tinder pictures.

At first I was positive this guy was a Catfish, so I got all prepared to tell him off. Then when I went back to his Tinder profile once more, I realized--the pictures on his Tinder were of him, but they were years old. Like, way older than three years old. Possibly 5 years or more. College pictures, and he very clearly was long out of college (27 years old).

And our conversation was getting increasingly creepy. He kept making sexual remarks, kept asking sexual questions, and began persisting over and over again that we should date.

Obviously, I was way creeped out at this point. So I decided to let him down easy, block him on both apps, and get the heck out of that situation.

Predictably, he took it badly, even though I had calmly made an excuse about not having the time to date anybody at the moment. I was fortunate enough not to have him call me names or harass me further than the typical 'Well, why not? Why are you even on here, then?' And then thankfully he did me the favor of blocking me on both apps instead of me having to do it.

So, yeah. Yikes.

If anything, all that experience did was remind me why I hate Tinder in the first place. I haven't been back on since.

As for the other guy, he was nice enough, at least compared to that other guy. Cute too, but way out of my league. (He plays college basketball, and he's been on ESPN. Why did he even want to talk to me in the first place? No idea.) We exchanged Snapchat usernames, snapped back and forth for 2 days (just face snaps, nothing crazy), and then stopped talking but have been passively watching each other's snap stories ever since. Ah, romance.

(He's never gonna talk to me again.)

So, in conclusion: the Christmas Crazies got to me again this year. But at least I didn't go any terrible dates, especially not with that one wacko. Two conversations were enough for me.

IN OTHER NEWS: 2016. Coming up fast as hell.

And for me, big changes are coming with the New Year.

The biggest and most important change: a job. I GOT ONE. TECHNICALLY.

After all that job applying for years, and yielding no results, I decided to do this differently. Take a different approach. Because obviously what I was doing was not working at all for me, and you know. Definition of insanity and all that.

So, I decided to do some research on modern ways to make money. And I stumbled upon this article about just that. Some things it listed were becoming an Uber driver, becoming a nanny or babysitter, and then--once I spotted it, it felt like I struck gold--becoming a pet sitter.

DING DING DING.

An important thing about me, internet: I love animals. I love animals so, so much. I connect with animals. Especially pets. Especially dogs. And so when I found a website specifically dedicated to finding dog sitters, I immediately went to their application page to become a sitter. And after a little work filling it out, getting a testimonial from a family member written for my profile, and getting a background check done, I was cleared. My application was approved.

Y'all. I have a job.

LET ME REPEAT. I HAVE A JOB.

Sure, it's a self employment job. But it's run through this website, and involves self promotion. I can do that. Hell, I'm a Millenial. I was born for the age of social media.

It'll take a lot of hard work, and a lot of cute messy pups to watch, but I can do it. I've pet sat before, and it was easy and fun. (Plus, an option like this makes way more sense for me than babysitting. Kids are too much for me to handle on my own at the moment. I prefer furbabies.)

So...come January, I'll be starting as soon as I possibly can. I'll start promoting this week, and hopefully come the first week of January, I'll have my first customer.

I'm anxious to start, because I have a very important trip to save up for in February. Said trip would probably be life changing, and be a turning point for my life. (But more on that later!)

And after that event, I would continue to work so I could save up money to go back to college, and some other very VERY important things as well that would make my 2016 a turning point in my life.

These are more than just my same old resolutions for New Years. I'm going to make absolute sure that 2016 will be a very different year for me. But in a good way. In a great way. It's in my hands. It's my life. I have to make it happen. Nobody is stopping me but me.

Change that I've needed for a long time is coming.



Internet, let's hope this self-push coming at me fast in 2016 is just what I needed to do for myself. (And let's hope that those Christmas Crazies stay away from me next year.)

Once again, Happy Holidays to all of you, and Happy New Year! See you all next year! (Ugh, I know, I'm sorry. Why did I make that joke? Why?! I'll show myself out.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: brennan, change, christmas 2015, christmas crazies, new year, resolutions, tinder

This is SUPER late (as are all of my other holiday things this year, including my cards...what do you mean Christmas has already ended?? Are you sure?? It can't be!!) so my apologies for that.

But I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and that 2015 will be lovely to each and every one of you.

2014 was a difficult year on one hand, but on the other hand, I made some pretty big accomplishments, school being one of them. If there's nothing else I'm proud of myself for from 2014, it's going back to school.

I'm also quite proud of myself for putting on my brave pants and going on 2 dates, which was 2 more than in 2013 or 2012, hahaha. So yes, big accomplishment for me as well!

And I'm proud of myself for getting my sense of style together and gaining (just a little bit) more confidence than I had in 2013. I attribute this to some positive lifestyle changes lately (moving into a quieter environment, dieting during the summer and exercising regularly, going back to a regular social environment i.e. school). All of them together made me feel less like an alien, less like some recluse that had no life at all. I feel more normal now, and much less anxious and sad than I used to be. And that is such a big accomplishment in itself that I couldn't ask for more, tbh.

But for 2015, these are my resolutions:

1. Get a part time job. This is the biggest next step for me. I'd definitely want it to be part time, so that I could balance everything else, but having my own money (besides having give or take about 20 bucks normally) would just be...INDESCRIBABLE. I think at this point in my life, it would make things a lot easier for me. I'd have money to buy things for school, and just regular everyday things that I need, and wouldn't have to rely on other people for them (which I hate). I want to get this accomplished for sure.
2. Continue part time school to the best of my ability. A part time school schedule has been working so well for me, so I'm going to continue that. Also, I won't try to be perfect at it and worry about being perfect, I'm just going to do my best.
3. Continue to take good care of myself, including what I've been doing with my new skincare routine, my hair care routine (of course), and as soon as spring comes, eating better again for the warmer months and exercise regularly again. It worked so well for me last summer that I'd like to do it again this year! 

Hopefully these things combined will help me build even more self confidence in the new year. May 2015 be the Year of Confidence for me and for all of you guys!

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: 2015, christmas 2014, new year, resolutions

2012. Interesting year, wasn't it? Brought me some changes, and some challenges. But don't they all?

Looking back on this year, there are some things that happened I'm very proud of. (Getting out of AP Literature alive, deciding on giving myself a very much needed break after HS before starting College, graduating High School in one piece, making a bank account, getting out of our old house, voting for the first time.)

There's also some things that happened that I'm still uneasy about, and things that sadden me a little. (Our family friend Uncle passing away, me finishing online school with no friends from that program, an Internet friend of mine passing away, my dad's one day incarceration in August, not being able to find a job.)

As I get older, I've tended to notice the negative things more. Why is that? I know things will never be perfect, they can't be. That's just how life is. But when I was a kid, I didn't notice as much. Or they didn't bother me as much. Why has that changed?

It shouldn't have to be that way. Really, it shouldn't. Is it really so hard to just be happy?

If I spend my present being sad, all I'll have to look back on is sadness. Sometimes, yeah, it can't be helped. Everyone has their off days. But what about when there's no reason to be sad? When life isn't flawless down to the last detail, but the little flaws are tolerable because there's all sorts of other wonderful things there that shouldn't be taken for granted?

In 2013, I pledge to be happy. Not every day, not every second of the day. But I will find one thing, just one, that will make me happy. Once a day. I'll make sure to laugh once a day, too.

Because those little things, like happiness, and health, and being able to laugh and listen to beautiful music and watch a wonderful movie and tell someone how much you care about them might be taken away in an instant. I'll try not to take anything for granted, because when you think about it--I mean really, truly, think about it--everything is a gift. I'll try to recognize that this year, and to hold everything I have dear.

I genuinely hope you guys will do the same.

Hello 2013. Please be good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: 2013, new year, resolutions

Really quick, sort of obligatory entry here, sorry guys. I know I've been off of here for a good month, but I promise I'll give a proper update on things soon! I have a lot to talk about.

I hope that all of you had an amazing holiday, and I wish you all a fabulous and bombastic 2013! (Ahahaha, I said bombastic. Snickering at myself.) I love you all!

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: christmas 2012, new year

Well. 2011 was a helluva year, wasn't it?

For you, it meant a year of firsts, and also one of some hardship.

First of all, there was Drew. Your first...um. Date? Yeah, let's call him that. The boy you went on your first date with. And even though the date goes well according to your experience (which admittedly isn't saying much at all), Drew stops texting you.

In fact, he stops showing any sign of interest, at all. But it's okay, because you bounced back from it quick, and you end up learning from it. The whole Drew situation was basically the first time a boy had shown any interest in you for a while, and it was a good lesson.

It showed you that, yes, there will be boys out there that will show you interest, so there's no need to stress about it. Everyday out there, there is some guy interested in some girl. It really happens. Always. And one of these days, you'll see it happen again for you. You won't see it coming, and you can't force it, but it will happen. Just wait. When it does, you'll realize you had nothing to worry about.

Also in 2011, you had a Summer full of fun and awesomeness, and it will probably be a Summer you'll remember for a while. What can get better than that?

Unfortunately, you had quite a few hard times this year, too.

The realization of the end of high school began to close in on you, and you started to panic. You started to panic about the huge changes coming your way. Applying for college. Going to college. Leaving home. Getting a job.

Change is scary. I know, I get it. But there's no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. In your mind, the future is huge and dark and terrifying. But guess what? When it actually happens, it probably won't be nearly as bad as you anticipated. You always worry. About everything. Always making anthills into mountains. Why?

Some huge education trials did their number on you this year, too. There was that huge final situation at the end of your Junior year, and then there was the first semester of your Senior year, when you got behind in your AP class. You know why these things happened in the first place?

You.

You always put pressure on yourself. Always trying to be perfect, always pressuring yourself to be flawless, and in the end it destroys your resolve. You shut down. A monumental wave of fear envelopes you, keeps you from doing anything at all, drowns you in a pool of self-loathing. Why are you so afraid to fail? It's okay to fail. Even the very best at what they do have failed.

You don't have to be perfect, Sarah. It's okay.

So, let's promise each other this: 2012 will be the year of action.

Action to actually start loving yourself all the time, instead of when it's easy to. Action to bring to pass what you want instead of just wishing for it. Action to do what you're afraid to do, because standing around and worrying about it will just bring you more pain in the end. Action to do your best, whatever that may be, not to be perfect.

2011 was tough. Some of it did quite a number on you. But get up, brush the dust off your clothes. Take a deep breath. Breathe out. It's a new year, a new start. Don't make last year's mistakes again. Start over. And together, we'll kick some ass.

Let's do this.

xo Hopeless Romantic (aka 2012 era Sarah!)

Labels: 2012, letters, new year, resolutions

Well, Internet. 2010 was an interesting year.

Thinking back, there was was a lot of Ricky Bobby (before and after he moved back), fun times, not-so-fun times, and a lot of fangirling (being both a Tokio Hotel fan and a member of various k-pop group fandoms is hard work, I'm telling you.)

I also think of growth when I think of 2010. I changed a lot, for the better. There were some tough spots, but altogether, 2010 was so worth it. It's hard to believe it's just over.

So, I'm going to do what I didn't do last year. I'm actually going to write my resolutions for 2011, right here right now. I don't know why, Internet, but I swear I have this overwhelming feeling about 2011. I feel like it's going to be big, and in a really good way. I'm not going to have a rut of a life anymore, I swear it, and I'm so ready for it.
Are you ready for this? Stay with me here, Internet. Some of these aren't your normal everyday resolutions, but trust me when I say that I wouldn't put them here if I wasn't at least going to try.

1. Get out of the house every week. (Me and my parents made a pact, that they would try to at least get me out once a week. Last year this time, I hardly ever left the house, and I couldn't help but get a little claustrophobic. I'll make sure that won't happen.)
2. Stop being awkward. Like, now. (I was plenty awkward with people before the whole online-school thing, but now, it's like it magnified. It's not too bad, but sometimes I get this weird-sounding nervous laugh, or I'll mix up words, or I'll say something out loud, and I think, 'What the hell did I just say?' I'm really not as witty as I sound over type, Internatz. Believe it.)
3. Better hygiene. (Not that I'm terrible at hygiene now, but I'm talking about all the extra stuff, like flossing twice a day and keeping my nails neat and all that jazz. And more hygiene=more attractive! Yay!)
4. Finish my current book. (What?! Out of nowhere?! Silly internet. I've written plenty of stories before this one, but this one just feels...different. I have a really good feeling about it. Pretty vague, I know, but stay with me.)
5. Join a critique group. (One on one of those writing forums or writing websites, and it's for after I finish my story, of course. Because...)
6. Get a literary agent. (WHOA, WHOA. Okay. I know this is insane, and foolish and naive and etcetera, etcetera. I know!! BUT. I've given this a lot of thought and research. I haven't exactly gone into how important writing is to me on here, but trust me when I say it's pretty much my life. It's the only thing I can really look at and say, 'Wow, I'm actually good at that.' It's the only thing that I feel like will always be a part of me. And I know what you're thinking. 'Why now? Why not wait until you're out of college, until you really know what you want? You're just a kid!' And I can't deny that that makes much more sense. But there's a reason I'm in online school right now, instead of normal school. And there's a reason why I haven't had a boyfriend yet. My life couldn't be more open to this opportunity than it is now. During college, it would be even harder to pursue, due to classes and what have you. And after college, who knows what else could stand in-between me and my dream? What if I meet someone by then, and get married and start a family? When would I have the time then? Maybe this is fate's way of telling me to go for it, now. Why not? I know it won't be easy. It sure as all won't. I'll get discouraged and want to quit and I'll cry and get rejected 492483 times. But I don't care. I owe it to myself to try. And at least that way, I won't have any regrets of not trying at all.)
7. Do my best in school. (I know, it's random that I'd put this one after such a strange resolution as the last one. But I want this one every year, so why not this year too?)
8. And the last, most simple one: Protect my heart. (Now that the whole Ricky Bobby thing has finally and officially kicked the bucket, knowing myself, I'll be looking around again, since it's in my nature for some reason. But since I'm taking this new direction in my life, I might be really busy with all the other stuff going on. And I won't have time for a boyfriend, and I suspect that at that point, I probably won't even want one! But if another guy happens to catch my eye this year, I'm going to be cautious. I won't make myself too vulnerable, I won't get my hopes up. And if the guys worth it, he'll be able/willing to break through all that.)

So here's a toast to 2011, Internet. Here's to (good) change, more improvements, and (hopefully) achievements.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: 2011, life, new year, resolutions

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